sadness all around

[Denise K]

I'm having a lot of sadness right now. The hurricane is just overwhelming me. I don't know anyone there, and I listen to very little news coverage. What I do encounter devastates me. I feel like if I start crying I won't ever stop. I think the miscarriage grief is rushing in again, after an easier month....a friend who has lost a lot of familly members in her life said once that with every loss she felt like she had to go back and grieve all the other losses too, again. I read about the kids and babies and moms down south and I am just overwhelmed--and struggling as usual with needing to pin down what exactly each piece of sadness is for. I hate the confusedness of it. I'm trying to be with the sadness but it is scary, I don't want to be depressed again. I need a hug and all my friends seem to be gone for the weekend.... Anyway....I wondered if others are feeling this way. And needed to say it somewhere it might be understood. Thanks.

[nydiagonz]

:Hug Hang in there mama, :sunshine days will find you soon.

[JuicyPakwan]

I am totally with you on this. It is so horrifying and heartrending to be watching these images and be unable to physically help them. And giving what little money we can to our church charity seems miserably insufficient. I only can pray for them and donate whate we can. I have begun to stop watching the news again as it is so upsetting.

[KYCat]

I have been feeling the same way!!
The only silver lining that I can find from losing Finn is that I empathize much more strongly with other people's sadness. RIght now however, there just seems like WAAAY too much. I feel like somehow I never realized how so much of the planet is dealing with sadness all of the time. I want to be supportive to people but it feels like I feel it too strongly now and I could suffocate from the sadness.
A teacher at my son's school lost her adult son unexpectedly, 1000 die in Iraq, the cemetery where Finn is buried was set up for another baby funeral, hurricane Katrina strands and kills so many. Life is just soo sad and scary now. I feel like there's nothing that I can count on. It's been 5 1/2 weeks since we lost Finn but instead of getting better the last couple of weeks have been worse. People have been nice, but there's nothing they can do or say I just want my son. (I'm not trying to hijack anything, but that felt so good to write.) As Denise said, it feels like if I start to cry or yell in anguish it would likely consume me and I would never stop.
I've always tried to keep up with current events, but I suddenly understand people who never watch the news. I've always been a happy, cup is half full kind of person, but lately I too am overwhelmed. How does the world go on with so much sadness??????????

[Denise K]

Thanks.

You know, right after I said that about "if I start to cry I will never stop," I heard it and remembered that I've said it before. And each time I have felt that way, the only way out is through. I took a long walk with a friend last night, and talked about it, and how complex and hard-to-define all the sadness is and how that scares me....putting it into words helped. This morning in church I just cried all the time, and sat with a friend afterwards and cried together. And it's easier to bear. This is how the world goes on with so much sadness, I really believe: we keep listening to each other, crying together, doing what we can together. Dumping our wallets in the donation boxes for the south, and walking a couple of miles talking about where it all hits home.

Thanks for being part of my circle. This forum is here for me when my physical-presence friends are asleep or gone, and that has been so helpful this last 10 months.

[butterfly_mom]

Hearing the news about the hurricane is terrible. I lost my daughter at 39 weeks and 6 days on 27 August 2005. It's been rough. On Labor Day my husband and I went to one of the shelters in San Antonio. We volunteered with the Red Cross and took care of infants. There was an 11-day old baby boy named Keith whose mother left him in the infant day care. I cared for him all day. I changed his diaper and gave him his pacifier. I even rocked him to sleep. He helped me get onto a path of healing, weird as it may sound. It upset me to know his mother wasn't there for him. It upset me to see how everyone was sleeping on cots and just trying to understand it all. There is tragedy all around us no matter what it is. But just like them and we can overcome but we will never forget.

[De-lovely]

Though I havent lost a child-I am OVERWHELMED by these precious babies here on MDC lately-and I am so sorry to the mamas posting here as I had never extended condolences to you-I literally feel like my emotions are backing up.I cry a little each day, for the MDC babies and their mamas and papas and then the war and those women and children, soldiers dying-AFRICA!-(((sobbing now))) and their AIDS epidemic....Hurricane Katrina and those precious children dislocated and missing from their mamas or those that have passed away and maybe their mama still doesnt know and is praying for their safe return.It is nearly too much to handle and I just thank you all for being so willing to talk and share and never forget these little lives (the big ones too!) I am am rambling at this point but I just want you all to know I think of you and your losses and it buries itself deep in my soul......Really you all in the PBL forum have taught me things way beyond birth loss.Love to you all! :love

[fire_lady]

:hug for you mama.
Losing is a sad part of life.
Just hang on....

[Denise K]

:hug Butterflymama. It is so good to be able to give. It is healing. I feel so distant, giving money, though I know it's needed--I would rather take someone's hand and meet their eyes and be with them in person as I help. I spend time every week holding a friend's 4 month old baby--we were pregnant together. It feels so good and right to be able to love this child, and it feels so sad to not be holding my own child... the balance shifts. But I know what you mean about that healing. I think it is partly having so much love all ready, and finding some place where that love can be expressed.

Doing meditation again, wishing peace, healing, freedom for all those who suffer. I believe that this is something real I can do. It at least is better than focusing on my anxiety for those who suffer.

[luckymama]

here's a :hug for you, mama. i was feeling exactly the way you are describing, and i've been crying off and on for days (this morning was particularly tough for some reason). i've been wandering message boards trying to figure out where to post and what really i would want to post anyway, and then i found yours. i have a july baby as you do, only mine was born in 2003, and i had a m/c on 11.15.04, just as you. i couldn't not pass all these similarities by without posting to you and making sure you know you are not alone.

i agree, too, about wanting to hold a hand rather than give money. i know the money is needed, but every day i fight the urge to load up my van with everything i can fit and head into some area affected by the hurricane because i know i will find people who have immediate need for whatever i bring.

hug the babies and people you can hug, accept the cyber hugs you find. be well, mama.

[Denise K]

I just wanted to tell you all what I have been doing today. I made a dozen little flannel cats--stuffed dolls, about 6 inches high--and I'm going to include them with the supplies we're contributing to the Pastors For Peace truck that wil be coming through here tomorrow heading south. It was intimidating to decide to do such a project amid everything (I'm not that great of a seamstress), and with such a short deadline--but I needed to send some of my heart, not just the portable bassinet and the baby clothes and sheets. Now I can imagine some kids and babies having something soft to hold onto. Maybe I'll make some more, and see if there's another chance to send them. It helps to be quiet and do something with my hands.

[BumbleBena]

:hug That is such a sweet thing to do, Mama. It's a wonderful thing for you to provide a comfort to a child who may have lost everything else in the world.