Milkymommi
09-05-2005, 01:14 AM
VERY LONG, sorry... I need this. This is also slightly graphic in nature so please be forewarned.I hope this is ok here.
Well... this is all still such a shock to me. However, I feel like I need to share this now or it may never come out :( It's all still so fresh in my mind and I don't want to leave anything out so here it goes...
DH and I found out that we were expecting our 4th baby after a trip to Canada in July. It was unexpected though very welcomed! We had been planning to ttc in December or so anyway and we knew that we were "dancing in the danger zone" while we were in CA anyway iykwim? Needless to say I wasn't shocked to find I was pg.
We went along like normal sharing with friends and family... afterall I've never been able to hold that kind of news in. Everyone was so excited for us as were we. Our kiddos were going through the roof!!!
I have to say that I never once had the fear that Ive had with my other pregnancies this time that I would miscarry. I've never lost a babe but somehow I still feared it, but not this time. I had such peace, I can't explain that. Everything seemed wonderful. Sore breasts, dizziness and suuuuuuper tired. The only thing that never came was morning sickness and I must admit that it bothered me the more time that went by that I didn't get sick. I know that people say there's not alot to that but for some reason it struck me strange. I ended up passing it off as a blessing and that was that.
We began planning for our homebirth and had our first visit with our midwife who was coincidentally just 6 weeks ahead of me in her preggy state. We talked for hours of our thoughts and headed off to our family vacation with plans to schedule our first prenatal visit at our return when I would be about 10 weeks along.
While on vacation I had a strange episode of horrible cramping that made me feel like I was falling apart. It brought me to tears and scared me to death however we finished out our vacation uneventfully. That episode never left me... I felt something was not right.
When we returned home I noticed that I was a bit more uncomfortable than usual as far as cramps go. Nothing crazy but definately more than what I would expect from stretching cramps. One afternoon I noticed a tinge of brown on the TP after using the bathroom and I thought my worst fears were coming true. After that day I had it a few more times, and again the day after that. Because it never pregressed into anything, Ihoped for the best. I figured I had low hcg and was having some spotting due to being around the time when I would have normally been getting my period. Only problem is that it was the 2nd one I missed and I thought that was odd.
I headed out one afternoon to grocery shop and stopped to have lunch with my kids at my mothers resturaunt. After eating I went to the bathroom because of course I had to pee millions of times a day and why should today be any different. Well it was, there was red streaked TP today. I imediately got scared because from everything I had been reading that was not a good sign. I told my mom and headed straight to my friends house so I wouldn't be alone. DH was out of town and not coming home until that evening. I didn't want to scare him since I wasn't clear yet as to what was happening. I stayed there for a while and the bleeding got more signifigant but never enough to even touch the pad... just some spotting type stuff but surely blood :(
I did end up calling DH just before going home and he was on his way there already thankfully. That day I went home and spent the evening scared. DH ended up stopping at the midwife's house an hour from home to pick up some tinctures for me to help in case of just a threatened miscarriage, cramping etc. I started having some very uncomfortable cramps but still no flow of blood. I remained extremely hopefull though I knew in my heart I was losing my baby. Some of my girlfriends came over including 2 of the older mamas in my church and prayed with me. It was very comforting to have them there and to feel their positivity surrounding me.
The next day I woke to find that the bleeding had not continued into the night! It seemed as though I had nothing happen and all the cramps had sopped! This, I thought, was a great sign. Just a little while later, I started to bleed again the same as the day before. I knew for sure something was terribly wrong and decided I needed to know for sure so we headed out for some blood work at the hospital. I hated the idea of being there even if I was losing the baby because I wanted to do it peacefully at home but there was this hope still driving me to go and find out if maybe...just maybe my hormones were fine and this was all a freak thing.
I spent 4 hours in the nasty hospital waiting room with my loving DH waiting for a stupid bed. No one cared... naturally that I was pregnant since your pregnancy isn't considered "viable" until 20 weeks and so I sat as if I had a boo boo that needed a bandaid. My labor started there. I began contracting every 2 minutes on the dot and experiencing what were the strangest emotions I have ever had. It was all so surreal, and it still is. I made a few trips to the bathroom because of course it was much more comfortable to sit on the toilet and labor than be in the waiting room. I only wish I could have dragged Jamie in there with me so I wasn't alone. I kept waiting for the bleeding to get worse as it still hadn't started to flow at all, just spotting. My last trip to the BR and it began to come a little bit. I knew the baby would come soon but I was still hopefull.
Finally we got a room and laid down and labored. The bleeding had started and I was hurting and so confused. Poor dh didn't know what to do. They decided to move me to an OB room in emergency so I would be more comfy. Before doing that I made one last trip to the bathroom and found myself a mess. Hope this isn't tmi but I can't help it. I was bleeding heavily and I just knew that I knew it was happening. I just nevr thought it would be me.
In the OB room the DR. who was very sweet examined me and had blood work done. During the exam he gently shared with us that my cervix was indeed open, I was passing some small clots and he suspected I was miscarrying. He also shared shortly after that my hcg was at 890 when it needed to be at least 10,000 where I was 9 1/2 weeks.They offered me morphine but I declined because I just wanted to go home.
Before leaving, the hospital sent in a nurse to discharge me and to my shock she was 9 months pregnant. My sweet dh, out of not knowing what else to do, asked her how far along she was and she answered " 5 weeks left, that's why they sent the other nurse in here to do your exam." :eek DH says "oh because they didn't want to upset my wife?" Nurse " Oh yeah or vise versa... you know with me being all emotional at this stage" :eek I think my heart stopped with that. I thought I was halucinating or something.
We got out of there and went home. Our friends were here with their kids watching my kids all day while we were gone. The same mama who's house I went to 1st. She has been friends with my dh since they were in dipes and I caught 2 of her babies- we're very close. I was glad to see them when we got there, it was very comforting.
Upon arriving I immediately needed to use the bathroom since I was still contracting. Strangely enough the bleeding had slowed and the Dr told me not to expect to see anything since the baby probably never progressed past a blighted ovum. I just knew in my heart that that wasn't true so I asked God for a miracle... to see my baby. When I got to the BR, I felt a small but distinct urge to push and ever so gently I felt my little baby fall from my body far too soon. I picked up a red sack and knew what lay inside but I was too afraid to do anything but look in amazement. I called for my dh and then for my friend.
*** WARNING*** this may be tmi for some
Without being too graphic I want to share the next part of my story because it is a huge part of healling and closure for me. I hope this isn't against the rules or anything.
We decided to open the sack to see what was inside. I don't know what I was prepared to see but I wanted to see, to connect with my baby in any way I could. She was so real and I needed to validate that feeing. Needless to say we did just that. With DH present, the very mama who babies I had the privilage of catching during her unassisted homebirth helped to reveal my baby to me while I held the little sack in my hands. What we found was most incredible! I still can't believe what happened even now! MY baby was there, perfect and tiny. Her little water bag was totally intact inside the sack that looked like placenta or something. We just peeled it ever so gently away and there she was! It was amazing! I've never seen something so awesome in my life. A tiny baby floating in her water at 9 weeks gestation. I saw her little hands and feet, arms,legs, eyes and mouth...even her umbilical cord could be seen! We saw everything. I couldn't even cry, it was so awesome.
Not to sound wierd or anything but we even videotaped it so we'd have a vision of her forever. I couldn't bare to not have that moment last and go back whenever I wanted.
While all this was happening, our other best friends showed up to check on us not knowing what had happened. We decided to hold a ceremony together surrounded by our friends for our little one. My dh picked a special spot in our garden and him and the guys lit candles and prepared the area for our angel. We all joined together and gave her back to the earth by each taking a handful of earth and filling the hole.
It was such a prophetic sign to me to each fill the hole. I felt it was the beginning of the healing process I knew I was beginning. We were surrounded by the people we love dearly and all were touched deeply, we were all moved indescribably. We are purchasing a burning bush to plant in the place where we gave her back.
Of course she was a bit too small to identify the sex however I feel I know because of a very spiritual experience I had right after we burried her. I saw a vision in my mind of a pregnant woman and thought these things. When a woman is pregnant in the early months she just has to believe what is happening inside of her. She can't feel it, she can't see it ( by natural means) she can only have faith in the fact that there is life growing in her womb. If a woman loses that baby in the early months, she also has to believe there was a baby because (most of the time) she never sees. She has faith that there was a baby though her arms are empty and her eyes never saw. Faith is to believe without seeing but somehow I was aloud to SEE faith. I was aloud to see something that most never see with their own eyes, I witnessed faith. When I said these things out loud to my dh and friends suddenly I was hit with a warm sensation and I heard a voice tell me in my heart "and her name is Faith" I knew the voice to be God's.
So on September 1st Faith came into our lives.
My heart is grieving and I'm so confused but I know I'm gonna be ok, I just don't know when.
If you got this far THANK YOU for giving your time to my story. MDC is a place I have often sought refuge, support and comfort along with many other things so I know it was a good decision to share. It just seems so easy here.
I'll be hanging around :(
Well... this is all still such a shock to me. However, I feel like I need to share this now or it may never come out :( It's all still so fresh in my mind and I don't want to leave anything out so here it goes...
DH and I found out that we were expecting our 4th baby after a trip to Canada in July. It was unexpected though very welcomed! We had been planning to ttc in December or so anyway and we knew that we were "dancing in the danger zone" while we were in CA anyway iykwim? Needless to say I wasn't shocked to find I was pg.
We went along like normal sharing with friends and family... afterall I've never been able to hold that kind of news in. Everyone was so excited for us as were we. Our kiddos were going through the roof!!!
I have to say that I never once had the fear that Ive had with my other pregnancies this time that I would miscarry. I've never lost a babe but somehow I still feared it, but not this time. I had such peace, I can't explain that. Everything seemed wonderful. Sore breasts, dizziness and suuuuuuper tired. The only thing that never came was morning sickness and I must admit that it bothered me the more time that went by that I didn't get sick. I know that people say there's not alot to that but for some reason it struck me strange. I ended up passing it off as a blessing and that was that.
We began planning for our homebirth and had our first visit with our midwife who was coincidentally just 6 weeks ahead of me in her preggy state. We talked for hours of our thoughts and headed off to our family vacation with plans to schedule our first prenatal visit at our return when I would be about 10 weeks along.
While on vacation I had a strange episode of horrible cramping that made me feel like I was falling apart. It brought me to tears and scared me to death however we finished out our vacation uneventfully. That episode never left me... I felt something was not right.
When we returned home I noticed that I was a bit more uncomfortable than usual as far as cramps go. Nothing crazy but definately more than what I would expect from stretching cramps. One afternoon I noticed a tinge of brown on the TP after using the bathroom and I thought my worst fears were coming true. After that day I had it a few more times, and again the day after that. Because it never pregressed into anything, Ihoped for the best. I figured I had low hcg and was having some spotting due to being around the time when I would have normally been getting my period. Only problem is that it was the 2nd one I missed and I thought that was odd.
I headed out one afternoon to grocery shop and stopped to have lunch with my kids at my mothers resturaunt. After eating I went to the bathroom because of course I had to pee millions of times a day and why should today be any different. Well it was, there was red streaked TP today. I imediately got scared because from everything I had been reading that was not a good sign. I told my mom and headed straight to my friends house so I wouldn't be alone. DH was out of town and not coming home until that evening. I didn't want to scare him since I wasn't clear yet as to what was happening. I stayed there for a while and the bleeding got more signifigant but never enough to even touch the pad... just some spotting type stuff but surely blood :(
I did end up calling DH just before going home and he was on his way there already thankfully. That day I went home and spent the evening scared. DH ended up stopping at the midwife's house an hour from home to pick up some tinctures for me to help in case of just a threatened miscarriage, cramping etc. I started having some very uncomfortable cramps but still no flow of blood. I remained extremely hopefull though I knew in my heart I was losing my baby. Some of my girlfriends came over including 2 of the older mamas in my church and prayed with me. It was very comforting to have them there and to feel their positivity surrounding me.
The next day I woke to find that the bleeding had not continued into the night! It seemed as though I had nothing happen and all the cramps had sopped! This, I thought, was a great sign. Just a little while later, I started to bleed again the same as the day before. I knew for sure something was terribly wrong and decided I needed to know for sure so we headed out for some blood work at the hospital. I hated the idea of being there even if I was losing the baby because I wanted to do it peacefully at home but there was this hope still driving me to go and find out if maybe...just maybe my hormones were fine and this was all a freak thing.
I spent 4 hours in the nasty hospital waiting room with my loving DH waiting for a stupid bed. No one cared... naturally that I was pregnant since your pregnancy isn't considered "viable" until 20 weeks and so I sat as if I had a boo boo that needed a bandaid. My labor started there. I began contracting every 2 minutes on the dot and experiencing what were the strangest emotions I have ever had. It was all so surreal, and it still is. I made a few trips to the bathroom because of course it was much more comfortable to sit on the toilet and labor than be in the waiting room. I only wish I could have dragged Jamie in there with me so I wasn't alone. I kept waiting for the bleeding to get worse as it still hadn't started to flow at all, just spotting. My last trip to the BR and it began to come a little bit. I knew the baby would come soon but I was still hopefull.
Finally we got a room and laid down and labored. The bleeding had started and I was hurting and so confused. Poor dh didn't know what to do. They decided to move me to an OB room in emergency so I would be more comfy. Before doing that I made one last trip to the bathroom and found myself a mess. Hope this isn't tmi but I can't help it. I was bleeding heavily and I just knew that I knew it was happening. I just nevr thought it would be me.
In the OB room the DR. who was very sweet examined me and had blood work done. During the exam he gently shared with us that my cervix was indeed open, I was passing some small clots and he suspected I was miscarrying. He also shared shortly after that my hcg was at 890 when it needed to be at least 10,000 where I was 9 1/2 weeks.They offered me morphine but I declined because I just wanted to go home.
Before leaving, the hospital sent in a nurse to discharge me and to my shock she was 9 months pregnant. My sweet dh, out of not knowing what else to do, asked her how far along she was and she answered " 5 weeks left, that's why they sent the other nurse in here to do your exam." :eek DH says "oh because they didn't want to upset my wife?" Nurse " Oh yeah or vise versa... you know with me being all emotional at this stage" :eek I think my heart stopped with that. I thought I was halucinating or something.
We got out of there and went home. Our friends were here with their kids watching my kids all day while we were gone. The same mama who's house I went to 1st. She has been friends with my dh since they were in dipes and I caught 2 of her babies- we're very close. I was glad to see them when we got there, it was very comforting.
Upon arriving I immediately needed to use the bathroom since I was still contracting. Strangely enough the bleeding had slowed and the Dr told me not to expect to see anything since the baby probably never progressed past a blighted ovum. I just knew in my heart that that wasn't true so I asked God for a miracle... to see my baby. When I got to the BR, I felt a small but distinct urge to push and ever so gently I felt my little baby fall from my body far too soon. I picked up a red sack and knew what lay inside but I was too afraid to do anything but look in amazement. I called for my dh and then for my friend.
*** WARNING*** this may be tmi for some
Without being too graphic I want to share the next part of my story because it is a huge part of healling and closure for me. I hope this isn't against the rules or anything.
We decided to open the sack to see what was inside. I don't know what I was prepared to see but I wanted to see, to connect with my baby in any way I could. She was so real and I needed to validate that feeing. Needless to say we did just that. With DH present, the very mama who babies I had the privilage of catching during her unassisted homebirth helped to reveal my baby to me while I held the little sack in my hands. What we found was most incredible! I still can't believe what happened even now! MY baby was there, perfect and tiny. Her little water bag was totally intact inside the sack that looked like placenta or something. We just peeled it ever so gently away and there she was! It was amazing! I've never seen something so awesome in my life. A tiny baby floating in her water at 9 weeks gestation. I saw her little hands and feet, arms,legs, eyes and mouth...even her umbilical cord could be seen! We saw everything. I couldn't even cry, it was so awesome.
Not to sound wierd or anything but we even videotaped it so we'd have a vision of her forever. I couldn't bare to not have that moment last and go back whenever I wanted.
While all this was happening, our other best friends showed up to check on us not knowing what had happened. We decided to hold a ceremony together surrounded by our friends for our little one. My dh picked a special spot in our garden and him and the guys lit candles and prepared the area for our angel. We all joined together and gave her back to the earth by each taking a handful of earth and filling the hole.
It was such a prophetic sign to me to each fill the hole. I felt it was the beginning of the healing process I knew I was beginning. We were surrounded by the people we love dearly and all were touched deeply, we were all moved indescribably. We are purchasing a burning bush to plant in the place where we gave her back.
Of course she was a bit too small to identify the sex however I feel I know because of a very spiritual experience I had right after we burried her. I saw a vision in my mind of a pregnant woman and thought these things. When a woman is pregnant in the early months she just has to believe what is happening inside of her. She can't feel it, she can't see it ( by natural means) she can only have faith in the fact that there is life growing in her womb. If a woman loses that baby in the early months, she also has to believe there was a baby because (most of the time) she never sees. She has faith that there was a baby though her arms are empty and her eyes never saw. Faith is to believe without seeing but somehow I was aloud to SEE faith. I was aloud to see something that most never see with their own eyes, I witnessed faith. When I said these things out loud to my dh and friends suddenly I was hit with a warm sensation and I heard a voice tell me in my heart "and her name is Faith" I knew the voice to be God's.
So on September 1st Faith came into our lives.
My heart is grieving and I'm so confused but I know I'm gonna be ok, I just don't know when.
If you got this far THANK YOU for giving your time to my story. MDC is a place I have often sought refuge, support and comfort along with many other things so I know it was a good decision to share. It just seems so easy here.
I'll be hanging around :(