I lost my Butterfly

[butterfly_mom]

On August 27th 2005 I found out my little girl did not have a heartbeat. A piece of me died that day. She was 8lbs 7.1 oz and healthy. That day started out like any other day. I was 39 weeks and 6 days. I was cleaning (serious nesting stage) and waiting for my husband to come home from class. I started getting contractions and became excited because I would soon see my little girl Bailee Elise. My son was excited too. We waited two hours before going to the hospital just as the midwife had instructed us to do so. We dropped my 3 1/2 year old off with some friends and drove to the hospital. We were so excited. We were going to the hospital to have our Bailee and bring her home. We were excited parents. When we arrived that is when the nightmare began. The RN on the Labor and Delivery floor began to check me in. She started out by looking for the baby's heartbeat but couldn't find it. She called in a doc with a portable ultrasound machine but couldn't find it. By that time I was nervous, scared, and crying. I was moved into the next room so they could use the "better" machine. I can still hear the doctors talking to each other telling each other that they couldn't see a heartbeat and that the baby wasn't moving. I was crying hoping and praying for a miracle. After about 8 minutes the doctors turned to me and my husband and said "we're sorry, but your daughter doesn't have a heartbeat. She didn't make it". I was devastated. I cried like I had never cried before. I wanted a c-section immediately so they could save her. They said there was nothing that they could do. I hurt so much. I went through a vaginal delivery knowing that I would not hear the cry of a newborn who wanted to be comforted by the person whose voice she heard everyday. I was hoping and praying that the doctors were wrong. I was praying for a miracle. I kept asking God, and I still do today, why he did this to me. I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. Why did he rob me of this precious life, my little Bailee!!?? She was delivered at 11:21pm. I dont think I had ever been in a room that was so quiet. The nurses took her, cleaned her, and brought her back so I could my baby girl. She was so beautiful and looked so peaceful. I was supposed to take my baby home. I was supposed to have an achy back and achy arms. I was supposed to have 4 hours of sleep a night. I feel like I was robbed. We had her room ready for her. Everything she was going to need was ready and waiting for her. I know God has a plan for us and I know he does things for a reason. There are times where I am beginning to accept this and his plan for my husband and I and there are times where I dont want to accept this. I am so sad and feel so empty inside. A big piece of me died that day. It has been almost two weeks since this happened. I've met a handful of people that have had m/c or stillbirths. I wonder how they managed to live through it and life their life to the fullest. I wonder how they picked up the pieces and moved on, but not forgetting their child. I miss Bailee's kicks and hiccups. She moved so much. The docs say she had been gone for about 12hours by the time she was born. There was an infection of the placenta, cord, and fluid. I am still waiting for other tests to come back from the lab. I just don't understand. My husband took it really hard and tells me he thinks about that day when given time to think. But he has accepted what has happened as God's will. His grief is different from mine. When the doctors asked me when I last felt Bailee move, I began blaming myself for this incident. If only I had counted fetal movements more, I would've been able to save my daughter and I wouldn't be typing this up today. But the doctors tell us there was nothing we could've done to have prevented this or save our little Bailee. I still can't help but blame myself. This has been really hard for me but both my husband and son have been there for me to make me smile and laugh. Its hard going out in public and seeing mothers/fathers with their little girls. Sometimes I start crying wishing I would wake up from this horrible nightmare. Bailee's service was beautiful. Her theme room was butterflies. Before the service began a butterfly flew into our tent. It circled around Bailee, my husband and I, and everyone in the tent. It then landed on the border of the tent and opened and closed its wings for a good minute. It circled around Bailee one more time and flew off into the woods. As soon as I saw that Butterfly, I knew that was my baby. I know she is in heaven with loved ones and I know she is safe and peaceful. All of this has been so hard.

Mother of Ethan 3 1/2yrs :love :heartbeat and Bailee Elise (stillborn on 27/8/05) :heartbeat :babygirl:

[Debstmomy]

Dear Bailee's Mama,
I am so so sorry that you know this pain. It is the worse pain in the whole wide world. I am sad to say, I know your pain. I was right where you are in June of this year. I can only say that I am here for you. I will walk this journey with you. I do not have a whole lot of advise because, I am still new to this pain. They say it gets better, & I have to believe that it is true. There are days that are better than some, that is for sure.
Your baby knew only love. Your baby never knew pain. She never knew fear. I take comfort in that, & I hope you do to.
Try to release your guilt. There was nothing you could have done, that is true, but sometimes those are empty words. I understand. What I find is better, if you had known. If you had known you had an infection, if you had known your baby was in trouble, in a mini second you would have changed everything. You would have done ANYTHING to help your precious baby Bailee. But you did not know. You had no idea, so there was nothing you could do.
I welcome you to this sisterhood. One that no one wants to join. It is an exclusive club, and no one wants to be here. But we are & we will hold each others hand & support each other as we walk in this journey of grief.
There are many wise women on these boards. Look up our posts. You are not alone in your grief. Losing a child is the worse pain in the world, but together we can get through. We can each take a little bit of each others pain & carry it for awhile.
Hugs to you Baliees Mom. You are loved.

[nepenthesea]

I just saw this post in the new posts and had to respond. I am so sorry for your loss, mama :Hug ...

Sorry for you, too, Debstmomy :(

[IansMommy]

I am in tears for you. :Hug :candle
May your soul have peace every time you see a butterfly.

[De-lovely]

:Hug I can not say I know your pain but I am keeping you and your precious Bailee in my prayers..................Be gentle with yourself mama.

[Erin_82]

I'm very sorry for what happened. it is beautiful that the butterfly came though. i also believe it was your daughter.
i know nothing i could say would help, but i am sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you.
whenever i see a butterfuly i'll think of Bailee now.

[Breathless Wonder]

I'm very sorry. :(

[liseux]

I am so sorry about your precious Bailee. Thank you for telling us about her and thank you for sharing the story of the butterfly. That was beautiful. As a fellow bereaved mom, I can tell you that stories like that give me so much hope about our children. I absolutely believe that was your daughter.

Its been 3 years for me and although life has changed permanently I do have fun and am able to enjoy life again. You will too, even though it feels so bad right now. Just let yourself feel it, cry when you need to, this time is so hard, its so new. I am thinking about you and praying for some peace for your family. :hug

[diamond lil]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Everytime you see a butterfly hovering near a fragrant bloom, you'll know your daughter is nearby.

[butterfly_mom]

This pain that I feel is unbearable. Women that i've met who have had this happen to them tell me life will be different. But it will never be the same. My husband tells me to stop blaming myself. I can't help it sometimes. If I had known that my Bailee was in danger, I would've kicked my motherly instincts into gear. But I didn't know. I fight with myself everyday knowing this. I know my daughter felt love. I find comfort in knowing that and knowing she didn't feel pain. Her soul is with God, in heaven. Today was a little rough. Even though my son was playing and the tv was on and my husband and mom were talking, the house was still so silent. It was quiet. Each day is a little easier to wake up to, but not so much. I am here for you too Debstmomy. This is a hard journey. It is tough but you've made it this far. I soon will too. Hugs to you.

[starbaby69]

I am so very sorry :hug

In March, I went through a very similar situation as you. I was 41 weeks,and went to the hospital for my scheduled induction only to find out that my daughter had died. I have no words of wisdom for you, but I do want to tell you that you and your dh WILL survive this. If you ever want to talk more, please feel free to PM me.

You will remain in my thoughts mama.

:candle Bailee

Love, Nikki

[rn]

I am so sorry you have to walk this most difficult path with us. It is the worst thing ever.

go easy on yourself, Your sweet baby girl knows how much you love her.

she is only love.

[egoldber]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my baby girl in April and I too have struggled with tremendous guilt. I think that working through that guilt is a natural part of the grieving process. It will get better, but it takes a long time.

Be gentle with yourself. :hug

[Stinkerbell]

You are in my thoughts and prayers, ButterflyMom. I'm so, so sorry.

[BumbleBena]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. :hug

Thank you for sharing the story about the butterfly, it's so beautiful.

:candle Bailey Elise :candle

[butterfly_mom]

Thank you to all. Your kind words are helpful. But I feel as though everyone around me has moved on. I feel like I am the only one grieving. My husband tells me we have to move on. We have our lives in front of us with our 3 1/2 year old and many more children and of course Bailee's memory. I know we do. But I feel alone because I feel like I am the only one who grieves. I'm so sad. I feel rushed to get through the mourning and grief. Has anyone felt this way? I had to print a picture of Bailee from the hospital for myself. I needed a picture to keep with me always. She was so beautiful and peaceful. I still don't understand what happened. I haven't heard from the doctors yet. But we plan to have more children as soon as the doctors tell me it is okay. I'm scared. Has anyone felt this way?

[Debstmomy]

Thank you to all. Your kind words are helpful. But I feel as though everyone around me has moved on. I feel like I am the only one grieving. My husband tells me we have to move on. We have our lives in front of us with our 3 1/2 year old and many more children and of course Bailee's memory. I know we do. But I feel alone because I feel like I am the only one who grieves. I'm so sad. I feel rushed to get through the mourning and grief. Has anyone felt this way? I had to print a picture of Bailee from the hospital for myself. I needed a picture to keep with me always. She was so beautiful and peaceful. I still don't understand what happened. I haven't heard from the doctors yet. But we plan to have more children as soon as the doctors tell me it is okay. I'm scared. Has anyone felt this way?


aww Mama. You are not alone in your grief. All of us that have lost our babies are grieving. It is ok to grieve. I tell all I am not moving on, but if I am lucky I will get through. I hope you are reading past posts on this board. There are many wise women here that have experienced just what you have, losing a full term baby. A child. I get so frustrated when the "world" tell you to "move on". Do I hurt less because my baby did not breathe??? No I do not. I hurt & I hurt badly & I need to mourn the loss of my child, for however long that will take. I think someone has posted links to organizations that support women through this. I hope you look into them. Keep coming here. Post as often as you want. You are not alone. Be gently on yourself Mama. Much Love.

[nydiagonz]

Buterfly mom,

:hug I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You are not alone. There are many of us here who have had our babies die in our arms, or in our tummies. It is not your fault. I know it is a hard pill to swallow, but we just do not have control over what is going to happen. We are here for you. Again, I am so sorry mama.

[PortraitPixie]

:hug :candle

[butterfly_mom]

I think today was the first day my hubbie and I got frustrated with each other. I think mainly him. I told him I felt alone and that it seemed as though everyone around me had accepted and moved on. It bothered him that I said that. So he was frustrated. I try to write in a journal when I need to, try to get my emotions out on paper so i'm not such a downer in the house. But I can't help it, i'm sad. I cried last night and this morning. I was keeping her nursery door open but now I need to keep it closed. I did laugh today but I dont think I can ever move on but like Debstmomy said, we will get through it. I know I will get through this. I know I will smile and really and truly laugh and be happy again soon but not today or tomorrow. I hate to hear "move on" especially from my husband. It seems like if we do, we're forgetting Bailee. I keep saying that name, Bailee Elise. It is such a beautiful name. I just can't shake the nightmare from my head. I can't shake the events that happened. It just doesn't seem real. Just like that I was pregnant and now i'm not and I don't have a baby in my arms. I try to believe that this was god's will....his doing. God needed a perfect little soul in heaven with him and Bailee was one that he needed. I try to tell myself that Bailee's mission in life was to live in my tummy for 39 weeks and 6 days. Perhaps her mission was to save me too for the infection that took her was soon working its way on me that night. Whatever it was, whatever she was meant to do all i know is that I love her so much and always will. I know one day we will be together forever in heaven. My mission is to lead a good life so that I may go to heaven and be with her, my darling sweet beautiful little girl Bailee. I love you Bailee, my sweet butterfly.

-Lyz-

[annettemarie]

I am so very sorry.

[butterfly_mom]

Thank you.

[bobacat]

You need to give yourself time and permission to grieve. Please don't let anyone make you feel like you need to "get over it." You JUST lost your baby. You are entitled to all of these feelings. They are normal. I lost my baby in December at 25 weeks and it was months before I felt even a little like myself again. I want to pass on two links to you that might give you a little bit of peace:

Who Gets In Your Bucket
http://www.webhealing.com/cgi-bin/child.pl?noframes%3Bread=45063

The After Loss Credo
http://www.tiffincompassionatefriends.org/Poems%20for%20Web%20Site/THE%20AFTER%20LOSS%20CREDO.htm

Hugs,
Roxanne

[Debstmomy]

Butterfly Mom, I PM you.
I also want you to know, the differences you & your Dh have, I have (am) going through. Moms & Dads grieve totally differently. To us Mamas, our babies were more real. We knew them physically. We knew their likes & dislikes. Daddies, do not have those connections before they are born. They are waiting for those connections for after. Yes they feel kicks, & see movement but it is not the same!!! For my Dh, he has told me he never had the connection to Alexa that I have. So it seems eaiser for him to "move on". In the beginning I had to tell my dh, I NEED him to talk about her with me. I need him to say her name over & over again. He did it, not sure that he "got it" but he does it.
Anyway, this is "normal". I hate that word, normal. Nothing is normal anymore, is it? But soon, you will realize this is your new normal. & eventually, it will be ok. Someday.
Hugs & Love

[sophmama]

I am very sorry for your loss. :hug

[coleslaw]

I am so sorry for your loss. It just devistates me every time I hear another family going through this.

Regarding your dh, you will find that you both grieve differently, but I can't imagine he is not grieveing. Maybe he doesn't even know he is grieving, or maybe he is acting however way he is acting to be strong for you. I know my dh until very recently thought he was in charge of "making" me happy, so he felt defeated and like a failure when I got upset.

And maybe the two of you could talk about "getting through" instead of "moving on"? You will never "move on".

[butterfly_mom]

Just when I thought waking up was getting easier, it's getting a little harder. I wake up and hear silence. It's been three weeks since I last heard her heartbeat and two weeks since this all happened. I think i've worked through some of the guilt but then new guilt appears. I had my membranes stripped at around 37 weeks because I was 4 centimeters. I wonder if I should've said no and let my body tell me when it was ready to deliver. Perhaps that is how the infection started, because maybe the membranes were weakened. I passed a lot of mucus that week and maybe that was a sign. I dont know, sorry to be so graphic. I think I should've gone to the L&D to get checked out, but I didn't. I know I passed my mucus plug so I thought everything else was normal. Her movements slowed down a week later, I think, she was always moving so much. I think back to the week of her passing, and I should've gone to the hospital. It wasn't like her but I thought it was normal being that I was soon on my EDD. I guess I was wrong. So much goes through my mind. Last night I read a posting. The person who wrote it said that she believed that when a baby passes on before they are born, their soul waits for it to be born to the same parents. I'd like to believe that but maybe her soul completed it's mission in life. I will just have to wait for my soul to complete it's mission in life to see her again. But that posting comforted me somewhat. Tomorrow I have my two week check up. Bailee would've been having hers too.... I have to go back to where the nightmare first started. I'm going to ask when I can get pregnant again. I could never and would never replace Bailee Elise with another baby but it would feel good to bring a baby home because that is what I was supposed to do in the beginning.....I guess for me that would help with healing....I wonder if i'm moving too fast....My first pregnancy was healthy and a normal pregnancy with zero problems to include morning sickness. I was 19 at the time. Bailee had me on a rollercoaster from the beginning with morning sickness and everything under the sun. I'd hate to think that my body is slowly slowing down. I want to have more children. I've got two now. One on earth with me and one in heaven with God and her loved ones. I've got to be positive and strong but it's hard when i'm at my weakest.......thank you all for your kind words and inspiration....
-lyz-

[liam's mom]

i'm so sorry, mama...so, so very sorry. :hug

[coralsmom]

butterfly_mom,
first i am so sorry to hear about you losing your precious beautiful daughter, bailee. i read your post and your experience was so so similiar to mine, and that was almost six months ago, we lost our beautiful coral rose. i was 41 weeks, 5 days. we were told the same thing, she had died 12 hours previous to her birth- about the same time my labor started. let me tell you that i think about coral and that day every day since she was born. my mind races and spins with thoughts about why she died- we don't have a clue- what i could have done, maybe this, maybe that, over and over again. i wrote on this forum a lot during the first weeks after she died, and the support i recieved and still recieve is sometimes the only thing that gets me from morning to night... if you want you can read that thread- the words of support pertain to you, too... my partner grieves differently. whatever you do, just allow yourself whatever you need to do to greive in a healthy way. if you need to talk about the same question over and over, do it... if you need to obsess, obsess... there is no other way to do it- you just have to feel all the pain, don't run from it or cover it up. this is the worst time of my life so far- and i hope losing coral will be the end of that sort of misery for me. i often wonder what i did to derserve this experience... a past life led badly? sins of my youth? cursed? to lose my infant daughter who i loved so greatly, it is the most hollowing emotional turmoil i could imagine experiencing... but really there is no way of ever knowing why this happened- to you, to me, to our babies. every question doesn't get an answer. this is one of the things i have come to know. coral lived 292 days inside my body- she was beloved on this earth. my mother and i were talking about her life recently, and the question of what it meant to live came up. why do some people live charmed lives, long and healthy, and others suffer, some children are born perfect and grow healthy, and some children are born with terminal illness, or lifelong health issues... what is the common link in these lives? what does it mean to live? the answer we settled on was to feel loved. bailee felt your love pulsing through her placenta. and coral knew the same love from me. in this way, their lives, even so short as they were, made their time here just as important and pertinant as yours or mine. there time with us was just so small! this is what is so unfair and sad for you and me, all of us who have lost our babies. but remember that bailee's days with you meant everything it means to live on this world. you loved her, she knew it, and that is the miracle of life. everyday i go to coral's spot in the cemetary to be with her. believe me the thought never leaves me how unfair this expression of my mothering is- other moms get to raise their children... i tend to my daughter's grave. but it is all i can do, and i will always do it, because i still have to express my love for her life... she is with me all the time. i carry her picture with me, and i look at it many times each day... she is so exquisite!! i know you feel the same way about bailee... i am so sorry for your family's loss. please know you are in my thoughts... coralsmom :hug

[butterfly_mom]

coralsmom,
thank you for your kind words. I will look for your post to read. You're right....I think about that day....all the time.....today was actually a good day....I smiled and laughed. I carry Bailee's picture with me. I look at it. I smile. I go into her room and smell the lavender scent. I hurt deep inside. I feel guilty sometimes laughing and smiling. I can't understand why some women have their children and don't even care about them. Then women like us prepare to have children...children we are going to love dearly...and then it seems like in a split second they are taken away from us. Life can be so cruel sometimes. I love my Bailee Elise so much. I love to hear her name outloud. Me and my dh grieve so differently. He tries to be positive for me and be strong so i'm not so sad. Life will forever be different...for you and me and those who have lost their precious gift from god....their children...

[butterfly_mom]

Today is Monday the 12th. I last heard Bailee's heartbeat on the 22nd of August. I woke up this morning to a really empty house. My husband went back to work and Ethan went back to daycare, both after two weeks. I've decided to leave the military when I get pregnant again. I need to stay home and raise my children rather than a daycare. My son Ethan grew up in a daycare. You only get one chance to raise your children.

I have to go back to L&D today for my two week check up. I can't shake it from my mind that Bailee would be having hers too. My dh will be there with me today, at first he wasn't but I was relieved to hear that he was. I couldn't sleep last night. I guess because I had to go back to the hospital today.

I had a bad dream last night and a wonderful beautiful dream too. The bad dream, i'll sum it up, I was at the hospital and the docs told me that something was wrong with me that passed onto Bailee (the infection) and I had to wait 20 months until I could conceive again. That scared the hell out of me. The other dream I was in the nursery for Bailee. I was changing Bailee's diaper!!! She was cooing and drooling and making baby noises. It seemed so real. I was talking baby talk to her and loving her like a mother loves her baby daughter. That is the first dream i've had since this whole thing happened. I sometimes find myself sitting in the nursery built for Bailee holding the blanket I picked to bring her home in and her cap. Rocking it back and forth as if it were her. I know it's not her and sadly her scent is slowly drifting away from the cap. But I can remember the smooth slick dark brown hair her cap covered. She smelled so much like a baby, she had that baby scent. Oh god how I miss her so much. I long for the physical Bailee Elise but I know her soul is at rest, peacefully in heaven where she belongs...What baby could ask for more?

[butterfly_mom]

I met with the doc today. It was just to check up on us and to see how we were doing. I cried...I had gone to the wrong floor, I went back to L&D when I didn't need to. I thought that was where I needed to go. Silly me.

The docs still dont know what happened to Bailee and it is quite a possibility that we wont know. So far all the tests are coming back negative and the placenta was normal. It is unreal. The doc said it could be that when Bailee moved she may have pinched her cord which caused her to pass away. That in turn caused the amniotic fluid to become infected, or vice versa. They dont know which came first. We may never know. It kills me to know that. It just doesn't make any sense. Why is life so cruel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is like a big tease sometimes!!!!!!!!! I'm so mad!!!!!!! I still feel like I could have prevented this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bailee, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Debstmomy]

Awww Butterfly Mom. This is the worse pain in the whole wide world, and I am so sorry that you have to feel this. I really am. I am in tears with you right now. You are so not alone!!!
I too will never know why my Alexa had to leave. There was no real reason for it, and that is really really hard.
Why I try to do, is hold my self gently in my own hands. I am fragile & I know it. Try to do the same. It helps.
I am glad you keeping coming here. It helps not only you but me too.
Take Care mama. We are here for you, to help hold you up & hold you softly in our arms. :hugs

[butterfly_mom]

All the women here have been so wonderful. I keep repeating myself. I'm comforted to know that all Bailee felt was love and didn't feel an ounce of pain. The doc said to wait at least two cycles before we TTC. I feel like I failed my mission in bringing a baby home and all I want to do is fulfill that mission. Does this sound weird? Maybe it is the military in me talking. I miss my Bailee Elise soooo damn much!!! She was within my reach...I was grasping on to her hand and like that she was gone. Debstmomy, your blog really helps me....thank you for sharing

[Mariposa]

:hugs

[laralou]

I'm so sorry. I don't think you need to move on at all. You knew her in a way that no one else on this earth did, just like coralsmom said, coral lived 292 days inside my body- she was beloved on this earth. Bailee Elise lived with you for 9 months, she was a part of you. :hug

[makeuptalk]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I thought losing my baby 2 weeks ago at 17 weeks was hard but it was nothing compared to yours. I believe that God had other plans for you and your daughter just like he did for us and our daughter. I had my check-up yesterday and everything was fine too. The doctor told me to wait 2 cycles but we are not going to. Since God took the baby away from us he will put one back inside of me when it's time. I also believe that my body will conceive when it's ready. I want my husband and I share intimacy without having to worry about trying or not trying for a baby. That's the only way I can move on from my experince. If it's meant to be it will happen. I thank God for my 4 1/2 year old and for his health and I focus my energy on him. That has helped me get through this experience also. Maria Shriver said something once that stuck with me I can't remember the exact words but it was something like "hard things in life don't mean the life is over just that the life is altered". I swear by that statement. Your life goes on but your life has been altered just like you have been altered after what you went through feeling like you lost a piece of yourself. It's perfectly normal to feel that way. I know my miscarriage experience has changed me as a person and as a mother. I look at life differently now. They say God only gives you what you can handle. It seems to be true although it doesn't feel like that at the time it happens.

[berkeleyp]

:hug

[Debstmomy]

Butterfly Mom, how are you doing??

[JennInSeattle]

This series helps me, I've listened to it twice through and I feel like I could listen to it 2 more times!

It's by www.hopefortheheart.org and it's a series on grief.. it's real and talks to real moms in grief and of course it's from a Christian perspective.

Just scroll down, they were aired from 9/5/05-9/9/05 and are called Grief Recovery: Living at Peace with Loss
http://www.oneplace.com/Ministries/Hope_for_the_Heart/Archives.asp

In them she quotes Psalm 139:16 and Job 14:5 both have really really helped me.

They are just 15 minute segments so I really encourage you to listen to them (and they are free of course). :hug

[butterfly_mom]

Wow...it's been a while since i've posted here. My sister-n-law was in town. She kept me pretty busy, in ways it was good and in others it wasn't. I have been trying to keep myself busy so I dont sink into thinking so much. I made my son "Nemo" cushion covers for his bay window. I actually enjoyed that. My husband and I took his sister to a shopping center,which we weren't ready for, and I couldn't help but cry because of all the women I saw with babies. There were so many around me...we were surrounded. I miss my Bailee. I say goodnight to her everynight. Has anyone heard about October 15th as being the national day of rememberance? I'm sure you all have. I see the doctor who delivered my sweet Bailee Elise on Friday for a postpartum check up. I'm glad it will be at a different hospital. I've kept Bailee's bedroom door closed not because I dont want to see it but because it hurts. I sit in there sometimes before I go to sleep. It hurts. Its unbelievable....I can't believe that this has happened to me. Would I have escaped this if we had children earlier?? I sometimes wonder....How can my life, our life go on without my sweet little Bailee Elise. I dont like to say/hear "life will go on"....I know it is forever changed...and it is without my Bailee....im so sad....

www.october15th.com

[Debstmomy]

Hi Mama! Thinking of all of us.

I don't know if I have the right words right now. I will post soon, though.

Hugs & love!

Oh, yes I do know about Oct 15th. I have purchased their memorial sticker to my Alexa & have it on my Van. I should take a pic, now that I think about it!
I want to plan a little something in my community. I just need to think of what.
Hugs & Love.

[KYCat]

Oh Butterfly mom, I somehow just found your thread. My heart goes out to you. This all does reallly suck. I'm so sorry.
After I have a good day or two there are some awful ones. I just hope that this time between spaces out. We too would like to try again, but I can't even imagine how stressful that pregnancy would be. I guess only time will tell. I'm glad that you have Bailee's picture.
Be gentle with yourself.
:hug :hug
Cathy

[butterfly_mom]

I'm so sad. Angry. Confused. I want answers but all I can get is that she passed away due to an infection. I get one thing from one doctor and a different thing from another. I think I will stick to the one from the delivery room. She wants to run more tests on me....crap. What next!!!!!!!

I love you Bailee Elise!!!

[Debstmomy]

The search for answers is daunting, isn't it? I hope you find some peace.
Hugs & Love

[butterfly_mom]

It drives me crazy. I want to know, then I dont. When I do I get angry at the world and ask why my daughter was taken from me so quickly...But my baby didn't feel pain. She just went to sleep due to sepsis. Dammnit!!! Why!! Life is so fragile.

Life can take anyone by surprise even those who think they are invisible to life's cruelties. I thought I was invisible. I never thought this would happen to me. I've heard every family has it's tragedy. Why this for my family? Why? I need to stop asking why. Stop it!!

My dh tells me I can't cry everytime I see a little girl, baby, etc... I hate it when he says "can't cry". I know he means well but those aren't the right words. My mother-n-law told me last night to look at the glass half full. When i see little girls with their mommies, or babies in strollers, she said tell yourself that you will be there soon, again. Tell yourself you will have many children but certainly no one can replace Bailee.

I'd like to think that Bailee will come back to me. Reincarnated. Is that stupid to think? I'd like to share my sweet Bailee Elise with you all but I dont know how to post pictures. I can't find the option. She was really beautiful. I know she is with me always and forever. But she isn't here physically. I know she is safe and sound in heaven with her loved ones. But she isn't here with me. I would've taken such wonderful care of her. Because i'm lost in sadness I feel like i'm ignoring my 3yr old. I dont know if I am. I'm grateful for him. He is a miracle. Every child is a miracle. I try to be strong for him and happy for him. I force myself. Is that wrong? Im not ready to laugh and smile. I'm not ready to be surrounded by happiness. Will that every change for me?

So much is going on through my head. So much reminds me of my Bailee. Everything does. How will i deal with going back to work? I just want to crawl into a small little cave and stay there. I try to avoid public places and people. I shouldn't because I will have to face it eventually. I want to tell everyone what happened to me. Just the other day I was in a jewlery store and the salesclerk asked if I was interested in a child's ID bracelet (was looking for one for my dh to engrave Bailee's name on it). Long story short she asked how old Bailee was when she passed away. I told her she was stillborn. That was the first time that happened to me and that is why I try to avoid public. What's even worse is seeing people who knew you were pg but dont know what happened and even worse than that is seeing people who know what happened but don't say anything about it.

So the doctors want me to get some more blood tests done in a couple weeks. Dr. McCullough is the one seeing me. She is very nice and has been really supportive in all of this. She delivered Bailee. She said we can start ttc once the tests come back okay. It looks like December probably. I will be labeled high risk, which is a comfort but I dont think anything will be comforting until a baby is born healthy again. I'm scared and nervous and i'm not even pregnant yet. I thought i was a little paranoid (in a good way) but i'm really going to be paranoid this time around.

I hope and pray for a healthy baby again. Is it wrong to want a girl again??? That is such a wrong thing to think. I should be grateful for a healthy baby boy or girl. What is wrong with me????!!!! The mind can be such an evil thing at times.

[coralsmom]

first, what is sepsis? i ask because we had a casual, (yet totally capable and caring) cnm, and i live in a small town, the hospital was very 'small town', not a lot of technical terms flying around surrounding coral's death... i never asked how it would have been for her... the idea that she just fell asleep... very comforting... my grief counselor told us that when her son died at age 25- he was senselessly murdered in a different city... she had to know each and every detail, minute by minute, of the time he spent from the moment he was shot to the moment he died, where he was, when he arrived at the hospital, who attended to him, who saw what, how, when, why... everything about his death... when she told me this, i felt better about my incesssant need to know what happened to our daughter... even though we will never know. as a mother, i want to know all of the moments of her life and death...

when coral died, my father said a few days later that this was by far the worst tragedy that has happened to our family. it cut through me to know that this tragic event fell upon me... (not that i would ever wish this upon my siblings or my extended family... or anyone for that matter!)
'why me' is a question that brings two emotions... first, i feel selfish. coral was the one who died!.. she is the one who doesn't get to see me, her father, her life, the world, and on and on. i still get to live and breath, to taste, see, walk, think, enjoy, laugh, cry, feel. our counselor gets a little impatient with this selfish feeling. she says it isn't selfish, it is a normal, healthy feeling to ask 'why me?' this really sucks, and it isn't self pity, it is just my mind reacting to the tragedy in a very normal, questioning way. i have to be careful not to bring on guilt in association to this selfish feeling- definately don't need that on top of everything else! and then i'll feel angry... and anger is a good feeling to have during the grieving process. you have every right to be angry at anything and everything for the death of bailee elise. i have a hard time feeling angry... so when i have a glimmer of it, i hang on tight, so i can process some of this grief. the other day i ran into a woman who had recently had a baby. she complained of having to be induced and how crappy that was... while she was holding her sweet healthy bright-eyed baby boy. later on i got so angry at her. how could she stand there and tell me how much it sucked to be induced- when my baby died during labor??? the thing is- she just didn't, couldn't, understand... and thruthfully, i was really not looking forward to having to be induced as my edd came and went, and if coral lived, i probably would have stood there and complained about it too. whatever. it did make me angry though!!

it sounds like your husband and your mil are trying to make you feel better, because they care about you and don't want you to be suffering so. it's hard to see the ones we love suffer. we say things to try to make it better. the thing is, no words make it better. i think that on some levels, its good to try and be positive and see half-full imagery, but you can't help but feel terrible on so many other different levels, and there is no half-full, just a huge hole, not even half empty, but way below that, into the negative area. my mom said she saw a baby the other day who would have been coral's age. she wondered to herself 'how many babies am i going to see until i won't cry?'... and then, 'well, it's silly to think just a few and then it should be better. so i'll give myself a reasonable number... maybe 856 babies (some random number) until i wont cry'. this enabled her to feel her grief, to be as sad as she needed to be when she saw a baby, until time itself let her know that she didn't need to cry for coral. you need to feel your grief, let it flow through you, and to suppress it is to delay it. please let your sadness and anger and tears and questions live now- some people wait years and years to grieve a loss. embracing the grief now is a healing. i think in the end, it is healthier for you and your family to let the feelings flow freely. but it sounds like the intention of your mil and your husband comes from a place of love and caring for you... but you need to hurt and cry and focus on bailee's loss. she is your daughter, and she requires your love and longing and loss.

i'm sorry if this is so long, but i really relate to where you are right now. after coral died, going back into my little world was so hard. when we drove through town, people would look at us and i knew they knew- i imagined their conversations as we drove away, and it was so too much to deal with so soon after coral's death. no one really understood how we felt, and i knew it. some woman tried saying comforting things, but to me they sounded rude and just wrong. the worst things anyone could have said were actually said... my job requires me to deal with the public, my community, and i had no choice but to put on my work-face and deal with each day, one day at a time. but beneath that face i was crumbling. i still can't believe sometimes that i have to work during my grieving. it is surreal. i am lucky in that coral is buried not a 3 minute drive from our restaurant, and i can center myself every morning with her at the cemetary. this enables me to face each day- this time i spend with her somehow carries her with me so i don't feel so alone when i have to smile and wave and deal with my regular life, which didn't stop even though coral died.

when we found out we were having a baby, we chose not to know the sex of the baby until he/she was born. having a daughter is such a wonderful feeling. after coral was born, i went and bought her a little dress. just one dress. i wonder, too, if we are lucky enough to have another baby if i actually hope for a boy or a girl. i'd like to do all of the things i fantasize doing with my daughter now... helping her put a dress on... brushing her long curly hair... i don't know, girly things- even though i am not a girly girl myself! but i guess if we had a son, coral would stay special in that way... we have so much unisex yellow and green baby stuff! I keep the nursery door open. i think this is different for each family who has this kind of loss. i go in there every once in a while. it's hard, because it is a place of hope and sadness both.

you are in my thoughts, and i wish you so much peace and clarity in this time of grief. :Hug

[merpk]

:grouphug

[butterfly_mom]

Coralsmom,
Your words are very comforting. Everyone's words of support have been very comforting. I've been trying to keep myself busy lately. Whether it is working on a 1000 piece puzzle or taking my mom somewhere. By keeping busy I dont think about that horrible day. I start to think about Bailee Elise and all I can remember is the doctor telling me she was gone. It hurts a lot. I feel as though i'm pushing her aside and I feel terrible. I haven't even looked at her pictures yet since I last saw them 2 1/2 weeks ago. I don't dislike women who are pregnant or even those who have their babies, little girls especially. It is just a reminder that I dont have my Bailee. It saddens me a whole lot. I feel like I will be sad forever. I feel guilty laughing and smiling and having a great time. My grief counselor said that when I feel like that again to say "I miss you Bailee" because it is not guilt, it is just missing my daughter. I miss her a whole lot. More than words can say. I'd love to hold her again. But What I dont like is hearing pregnant women complain about their pregnancy "side effects". I took mine for granted with Bailee and I can never have that morning sickness that I had with her again for she was unique and so was my pregnancy with her.

Coral i'm glad you are able to be with your daughter every morning. I haven't been to Bailee's gravesite since the funeral. That was a month ago. I'm scared...of what I dont know. I feel like a coward. I tell myself I will look at her pictures, I will think about her today then I dont look at her pictures and I dont think about her as often as I'd like to. I then feel horrible. I see baby clothes and little baby girls and I think wow, this is real. I was pregnant for 9 months and now I have nothing to show for it. That makes me angry but it was God's will. Whether I like it or not. Perhaps she was here to save me because sepsis is a blood infection that makes the body work in overdrive trying to kill an infection of some sort, whatever it is. Sepsis can cause maternal death (if I remember correctly from my research). I need to stop researching because I am only hurting myself more trying to understand. It may be that it is not for me to understand. The only thing I can understand is that God has a plan for everyone and that was her plan. It is just unreal. I have lived that day, 27 August, for 23 years and on the 23rd year of my life God decides it was time for my daughter to leave this earth to be with him. I talk to Bailee every morning on my morning walk (trying to get back into shape). I say goodnight to her too. The doctor said we could ttc after some blood tests come back from the lab. I'm waiting for her sec. to call and schedule an appointment.

But nowadays i'm okay. I'm trying to deal with this right now as best as I can and that is keeping busy. I love my daughter so much, I just wish she was with me. Everywhere I go I see someone pregnant or someone with a baby. I feel surrounded by them but how do I know that they were once in my shoes. I'll never know...I guess that is why I dont dislike those who have their babies. I could be hating someone who lost if I did.

[Debstmomy]

I am glad you gave us an update, Butterfly Mom. Wow, you month anniversary just past, I can not believe it. Time is passing by so fast. I am glad you are able to spend time with your mother. You are surrounded by love, & that is very important.
Hugs & Love to you!

[Patti Ann]

:hug I'm so sorry for you. Thanks for sharing Bailee with us. What a beautiful moment that must have been with the butterfly. I too have lost my Griffin at 35.5 weeks on Sept. 24th. I am newer at this journey than you are, but we are all here for you.

Patti

[butterfly_mom]

My thoughts are with you Patti Ann and your Son Griffin. I'm so sorry about your loss. It is hard but you can get through it.

I've finally figured out a way to share photos of my daughter Bailee Elise with everyone. The only thing is you have to create an account. It is with Walgreens.com. I hope this works.

http://photo.walgreens.com/share/p=47941128436929749/l=5853992/cobrandOid=1009

Debstmomy, Coralsmom how are you both doing? How are things? I go back to work next week. I'm a little nervous.

[Debstmomy]

Butterfly Mom, what a beautiful baby girl!! It amazes me how much they look like they are just sleeping..it really blows me away! She was a big baby girl too! How much did she weigh? She is truly precious & I loved your feet pictures. You were very creative in your photos, I like that.

I have had a rough few days. Another family member passed away this weekend. He was old & it was his time, but it still effects you, ya know? Put me in a huge funk.

Your DD is BEAUTIFUL!! Thank you for sharing her with me, I feel honored. Hugs & Love.

[butterfly_mom]

Hi Cristina. I'm glad you were able to view her photos. Wasn't she precious? I miss her so much. She weighed in at 8lbs 7.1oz. I was shocked to hear how much she weighed. She was a big girl. I miss her so much...i love her so much too. The nurses were actually the ones who took the photos. The hospital doesn't allow videotaping in the room so we really weren't prepared for photos. The staff had a camera so we are truly grateful for them.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss in your family. Although it was time for them to go, it still makes a person sad so I know what you mean. For me I feel yes It was their time...They lived their life...My daughter wont. She wont have her first scraped knee, or her first friend, first kiss, or her family. It kind of makes me jealous BUT it was her time to go. I'm selfish for thinking like that but I feel it is the truth.

My thoughts are with you. Big Hugs and Love!!

[Patti Ann]

The pictures are just beautiful. Thanks for sharing. I love sharing pictures of Griffin with anyone who wants to see them. Eventually I'll get mine online.

Hope you are doing alright.

Patti

[butterfly_mom]

Thanks Patti. I had a little emotional breakdown today. I guess it is built up from my mom leaving tomorrow morning, going to work (scared and nervous), trying to get by, and missing my dear daughter Bailee Elise. I thought I was doing well... But it is all part of the mourning process... I miss my daughter so much. After my mom leaves tomorrow, i'll be alone (well without an adult) for a couple hours until my husband comes home from school. We'll see how that goes.

For all of you here, just a question, after your loss, how long did it take for you to ttc or just be interested in sex? It's kind of a stupid question but I'm just wondering...

Right after Bailee's service we saw so many butterflies it was amazing. I don't think I had ever seen so many butterflies in my life. Now they have slowly disappeared. I see one every so often in my backyard or even when I go somewhere outdoors. It was like she was here with us at home. We were surrounded everyday for a long time with butterflies and now with them slowly disappearing, it feels like Bailee's spirit has finally gone home. She is in heaven with G-d and her loved ones BUT of course she is with me always and there when I need her.

I still can't bear to watch women on tv giving birth (shows on TLC) or even see commercials. It's weird. That bothers me a lot more than seeing a baby with her mom in public pass right by me. I feel like it is going to be hard for me for the rest of my life. Maybe over time it will be easier but I can forsee it being hard. Maybe it's just me but I need to let Bailee rest in peace. I need to stop asking what happened and why...I'm just making it worse on myself.

I see the doc next week for a postpartum checkup and final blood work. After that test comes back okay, we're cleared to try again. I'm going to be a nervous wreck whether we try again now or wait a year from now.

Our next obstacle is visiting her at the cemetary. We haven't spoken about that yet. I'd like to visit her soon...

Thank you all for letting me write how I feel and listening. Your words are comforting to me.

[Debstmomy]

Hello Butterfly Mom......

I will start with the sex, because life revolves around sex, right? WRONG!! It took awhile to have sex again. Almost 4 months. But then I started talking about this with a girlfriend. She has a 10 month old baby. It took her almost 5 months to start having sex again. It made me think, if my dd had lived, would I be having sex again already? Probably not. With my living children we waited about 4 months then as well. The difference now is, that I do not have a living baby as an excuse not to have sex. Does that make sense? So while the wait was troubling me, I have now realized it is probably normal. Normal because who really wants to have sex after having a baby, wether it was a live birth or a still birth??? Not me, & I think I am not the only one. I would suggest not to put that pressure on yourself, or your Dh. Remeber you are still very pp. Do what feels right for both you.

On the TTC, go over to that side of P & B L, there are some really good threads on that right now. For me, I have to wait due to c-sec until end of November.... 8 weeks to go!

I remember that first day alone. I was so nervous. It was a "first" I did not want to face. But I did, & now I love my time alone. It is my time for me to grieve or not....I hope you get to that space soon.

I am sorry you are seeing a decrease in butterflies. I think it is due to the seasons changing. They will come back. Hugs & Love, Cristina

[Mizelenius]

Butterfly Mom, I read this thread and had to :hug you. Your daughter is BEAUTIFUL. She looks so peaceful, like she just "knows" how much she is loved and wanted. The story of her service was absolutely amazing.

I know your husband is saying things that just don't help or even make sense. . .but when I saw his picture, the depths of his grief are unquestionable . . .he looks completely raw. Perhaps he thinks (not consciously) that not talking about it will just make the intolerable pain go away. :(

I am so, so, so very sorry. I will think of your precious Bailee Elise whenever I see a butterfly. My thoughts and prayers are with you. :hug

[mamacatsbaby]

I am in tears and felt I had to respond. butterfly mom your baby is beautiful. I was a wreck when my little nephew passed a couple of years ago. I cannot even imagine what you or any mama who has lost her baby could be going through. Much love and many blessings to you and any of you mamas that have had to go through this. You are all in my prayers. Please take good care of yourselves on your respective journeys. :Hug :1praying: :candle

[butterfly_mom]

Thank you for your kind words Elena. You're absolutely right about my husband. He doesn't talk much about it but when he does he's completely torn up. I talk about Bailee Elise as much as I can to him, with him and when I can sense he's not comfortable I stop. Thank you for the hugs...That means a lot to me.

Cristina, thank you for your words. I just have so much thinking and sorting going on in my head and on top of that missing my daughter and being sad. I wonder if I'll ever truly be happy again. I'm thankful for my little Ethan but when I start to talk to my husband about how much I miss her and how seeing other little girls is kind of a therapy for me (getting used to seeing them) he tells me "But we have Ethan here with us". I know he probably says it to help me feel a little better but I feel like he's thinking that i'm not appreciative of my son. As you may have noticed, i'm a little sensitive to certain things. All of this has been so much...

It went well with dropping my mom off at the bus station. I cried a little bit. I couldn't bare to be alone at home so I took my son to the zoo. We happened to be in the area. Even though I was by myself with my son, I was surrounded by people. I had a wonderful time with Ethan. Then my husband met up with us after his class. I'm just afraid to be alone, by myself. I need to get over that...I need to face my fears...It is just hard.

-Liz-

[butterfly_mom]

Unfortunately I feel pressured by my own husband. He tells me that I cannot be sad forever and not to cry every single time I see a baby girl and jokes about being intimate. And on top of that he thinks i'm crazy when I told him that I don't like the words "move on". What the heck does he mean? He doesn't help very much at times. I told him women grieve differently and take it a lot harder but he returned his comment as being defensive. Help!

Liz

[Debstmomy]

What really helped my Dh connect with me & where I am is a booklet called, A Fathers Grief by William H. Schatz. My dh devoured it when we got it from the hospital. If you would like, I can send it to you, just PM me.

Men & women grieve so differently. My dh is tired of me being sad, but then he realizes it is so much deeper for me than him. We Moms, knew the children we lost, they didn't. I remind him my Dh about that all the time. I also felt like he was waiting for me on the other side. I told him it will be a long wait. I am not going back to that person I was on 6/9/05, & if I am lucky a fraction of that person will return, eventually. I also tell him, I hate move on, & suggest that we/us, move through. We are moving through it.
Anyway this is getting all jarboled. PM me if you would like that pamphlet. Hugs & Love....
oh I also reccomend, Empty Cradle Broken Heart for you.....it was the best one I had read.

[Patti Ann]

Liz,

:grouphug Glad you had a wonderful time at the zoo. Also know that the butterflies will return with the nice weather. Your rememberance day sounds great. I missed the one in my area, but that sounds like a great idea to do with the family this Saturday. Hope you can find strength to make it to the cemetary. I've been 3 times since. Once with dh, once with the family, and once by myself. It has been helpful.

I think men grieve differently than women do. My dh is definitely upset about losing our son Griffin, but he just doesn't talk about it all the time like I would like to. A week and a half ago we were out to dinner without the kids and on the way home Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin came on the radio. We were both crying. The song was still on when we reached the garage and we both just sat in the car still listening. He had his head on my shoulder. So I do know he is deeply affected. I just think it is how he deals with things. He doesn't like to see me cry because it makes him sad too and he doesn't want to get sad, but for me crying helps. I'm sure your dh just doesn't want to see you so sad too.

As far as sex, everyone is different. We had sex on Friday. Just less than 2 weeks since Griffin's death. We have always resumed sex early after each of my deliveries. I like the closeness with dh. Not so much that I'm interested, but I like the bonding that goes with it.

Hope you are having a better day today.

Patti

[oceanstar]

I just want to write that you mamas will be in my prayers.

[butterfly_mom]

You all have been great to me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just haven't given myself the time to think. I think i'm going crazy over here. I miss my Bailee Elise so much. I go back to work tomorrow. I'm scared. I'm nervous. I met a woman on Saturday who lost her baby, Austin, at 6 1/2 months. Up until then, I had not met a woman in person who had gone through the same thing. She lost her son back in April. I hope to meet again with her soon.

Hugs to you all.

Liz

[crayon]

I am sending my love to you- I have never been in your shoes, but I do think my DH would act the same. When I say things like "I would just go crazy with out my kids" he says things like "great, make the rest of your life hell" and I tell him "It would be with out them"... He seems not to get it. Perhaps if he lived it it would be different, but I fear he would be the same. Maybe it is their way of dealing- a weird way I think, but perhaps their way. I can imagine your sadness. My heart breaks for you and every day you live without Bailee. Death is such a hard thing to process, and for everyone it is a different way. I do believe your husband is sad, and perhaps he is trying to help you by being "strong". But....

I send you an your family my love- it is very soon and I think your feelings are very very normal.

[butterfly_mom]

I met with the doc today. She told us she can't find the reason, the cause for the infection that took Bailee's life. It is a rare one because she has never heard of a bacteria acting as it did. This one acted fast instead of the usual couple of days. It's a shame. I need to let Bailee rest in peace and stop asking why and trying to understand. I need to come to terms with it but it is so hard. I miss you Bailee Elise.

I met another woman at work who lost her baby 9 years ago. I asked her how she got through it. She said it takes time but after 9 years I still have my moments. I also went back to work this week. It has been very hard. I've cried every day. I just feel alone and I think I figured it out. I feel like a stranger among those who are "happy"...I wouldn't want for anyone to feel my pain but I feel alone. Through all of this I've become attached to my husband. When I'm around him I feel safe, I feel "okay"...even after the complaining ive done. He's my protective shield and he's not with me at work. I've also run into people who didn't know what happened. One coworker asked me if I was counting my kicks during my pregnancy...That just brought my day down...I felt really guilty about counting the kicks...I ate too much...i ate feta cheese (i didn't know it wasn't good to eat), I went up and down the stairs....many things but the fetal kicks really did a number on me and when she asked, it just brought me down. It feels good to cry...it is just a big huge emotional release.

I'm thankful each and every day for my son Ethan. He's a blessing and i'm thankful...I miss my Bailee Elise so much and I think about her so much. We go out of town next week to see my family. I haven't seen them since Bailee passed away so we'll see how that goes....

Hugs and love to each of you!!!

-liz

[Patti Ann]

Liz,

I hope this week at work was better. I hope you have let go of some of that guilt. You were the best mama Bailee could have had. You loved her so much and she knows that. I hope dh is still being strong and that your visit with your family went well. Glad you are finding strength in Ethan. I have strength knowing that I have 3 other wonderful children who need their mother.

In the past week or so I have been at much more peace. I have stopped asking why. I will never know why. I miss Griffin so much and love him. I am so thankful for the 8 months I got to be with him, know him, and love him.

Wishing you peace and love.

patti

[butterfly_mom]

Hi Patti,

My visit with my family went well but it went fast. It was a little hard for me. I can say that I probably ruined the trip because I felt like crap the whole time. My dh drank our first night there and needless to say I got upset. I needed him there mentally and he wasn't. There were times when he would ask me to pretend that i'm enjoying myself so I wouldn't make him so depressed. I think my dh forgets sometimes... What do you think? It is the "firsts" that are getting me. It is the "we would've been..." This is horrible sometimes. I have gotten over the physical intimacy with my husband. I just can't let go and I dont know exactly what that is. I think is it the sadness? The thought of what happened? Asking why? I don't know. I have been reading books that are helpful and help me realize what I am feeling and thinking. I miss my daughter so much and right now life just feels like an eternity until I see her again. It hasn't even been two months yet and it feels like time has just gone by so slow.

I go back to work on Monday. A full week. Let's see how that goes. I'm surprisingly okay. Perhaps I have found peace but am not ready to recognize that I have. I have often felt that I have to feel this way so not to forget Bailee Elise, because I have to be like this. Not to desecrate who she was, her life, her memory. Will I ever get through this? With Halloween coming up I think about how we would've been taking Bailee trick-or-treating. She was going to be a pumpkin. Bailee, God give me the strength to live each day to its fullest....

I LOVE YOU BAILEE ELISE...

-Liz

[coralsmom]

liz,
i wanted to share this quote with you. my grief therapist gave it to me, and she found it after her son died. its a little profound, but i find it helpful to me sometimes... (but sometimes i just ask 'why why why why why????') i think wondering 'why?' is a natural part of being a mother. if we didn't wonder why our babies died, what kind of mother's would we be? but living with the tragedy is the tricky part. you have ethan and your husband, and your lives will never be the same without bailee in them, but this is your time here, your life, and to live with tragedy without losing the spark in our lives is the tricky key, i think. i have my four amazing, loving dogs, and my partner (soon-to be-husband), and they are keeping me going. my dogs really can't grasp our loss, although i know they sense our sadness, and i owe it to them to continue living life they way i used to, before coral died... i loved life... i loved doing things, laughing, seeing people, making plans, thinking about all sorts of creative ideas, listening to music... i loved these things, and now they are what challenges me, because i feel terrible. to read your posts, i feel so connected to you when you express your love to bailee... it is so true, said with such longing and exasperation and sadness... i feel the same toward coral... i sing songs to her in my car on the way to the cemetary- all about how much her mommy loves her, over and over. i tell her every night how much i love her. losing our little babies, i will never understand it-

but here's the qoute before i go on and on...

'be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart...and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. and the point is to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps you will gradually without noticing it, live a long some distant day into the answer'
-rainer maria rilke

does this help? it helps me sometimes. my thoughts are with you. :hug coralsmom

[NiksMom]

I am so very very sorry for your loss.

[butterfly_mom]

What a beautiful quote Coralsmom. I kept reading it over and over again. Your words are comforting. Like you, I know I must live life for my son and dh. I owe it to them. I cannot let this take over my entire life. And when I say that I mean the whole idea of what happened and why. At times I accept and understand and at times I dont. I ask why. I can look at Bailee's pictures without crying now. But now I think about how I wished I could've held her longer. How I wish I could hold her now. I wonder what kind of laugh she would've had and what kind of cry. I wonder what her personality would have been like. And whether she would have slept through the whole night. I talk to her so much when I'm at home or in the car or at work. When I am by myself, I talk to my daughter. I so much want to share her with everyone but not everyone is comfortable with talking about a child who has passed away. It just seems as though it is not a part of our culture, but death really isn't a part of our everyday lives. If you think about it, we are never really prepared for death and when it happens it is a blow a major shock and after the funeral it is never spoken of again. And when it is people think that you, me, him, her have not moved on like a healthy person should. Isn't our world a confusing place at times?

Sometimes i just feel alone in my greiving. No one can possibly ever know how i am feeling right now unless you have gone through it. And where I am right now, I really dont know of anyone close to me who has gone through this that I can lean on for support. I feel like time is dragging me, as I am trying to stay in one place, as it goes on.

I paged my doctor yesterday from work about some blood tests. Big mistake. I broke down crying and had to go home to be comforted by my husband. The blood tests were for antiphospholipid syndrome. From my understanding women are more prone to having this than men are and is even higher when a woman is pregnant. From what it sounds like is that a blood clot may have lodged somewhere restricting blood flow and caused Bailee to pass away in turn causing an infection which made me septic. I dont understand why not every woman is treated as though they are high risk. Every pregnancy is delicate...Everything was fine with Ethan it was just with Bailee that this happened. I think sometimes I am in denial. But after speaking with her I did not want to hear that i'd be at a higher risk for miscarriages and stillbirths. She tried to comfort me by telling me that if I did indeed have antiphospholipid syndrome, it can be treated with apsirin and heparin along with non-stress tests later in the pregnancy. She told my dh that many women who have this give birth to healthy children. I know it isn't as major as other pregnancy dilemas but this is still very important. I just want for god to bless us this coming year. To give us a healthy pregnancy as we ttc. I feel so lost, lost in sadness. I have my days that are good and that are bad. I've already been told that I dont smile as much as I used to. How can I?

-Liz

[coralsmom]

liz,
i am sorry to hear your news form the doctor today. i know that there are other mom's here at mdc who are living with blood clotting disorders, and who are planning on ttc, and who are pregnant again, and who have already had successful pregnancies resulting with healthy babies! and there are online support groups, too... i know you just found out today but it may be helpful in the future...

it has been so helpful for me to know that other mom's of stillborn babies go through the same feelings that i do... sometimes i wonder if my friends in real life would think i was turning crazy because of what i do in my day, how much it revolves around coral sometimes... i start everyday with a visit to the cemetary, i talk out loud to her, i sleep with her blankets from the hospital, i look at her picture many times a day... and i know that you and other moms here do some of the same things... it is truely comforting. when i read how you relate to bailee, how much you love her, i have to smile because i feel and do the same things with coral rose. your words have given me so much peace... thank you liz :hug

[butterfly_mom]

It helps me to know that what I do, other moms do as well. I too think maybe people think i'm going crazy because I talk a lot about Bailee and like to show her picture. I look at her pictures and talk to her. I talk to my son about her. I am reluctantly, in a way, planning my sons 4th b-day party. At first we didn't want to do one but with advice from close friends this party is more for Ethan than it is for us. What do you think? But by doing all of this, it helps me feel at peace because by talking about her and doing these things, to me it keeps her alive, her memory never fades. And I never want my son to forget her and at the same time think he is now 2nd. With her blanket, cap, and flowers I plan to make a shadow box and hang it somewhere in my house. THose things are so sacred to me. I told my husband only he and i could touch what is hers.

When I try to find information about anitphospholipid syndrome, it just seems so negative. I haven't found any support groups. I know I will come across some. I think I may post.

Thanks for talking with me. It helps to talk and hear about what other mothers are going through. Like you it helps me feel at peace.

liz

[coralsmom]

liz,
i did a little google search and found the website www.hughes-syndrome.org, and in the 'patients' section, there are two online support groups listed... i'm sure there will be more.

i know how you feel when you say that you and your husband are the only ones who can touch her things. i was really ultra-protective of coral's things in the following weeks after her birth and death, but then i let go, but just a little! i think its because our baby's things are finite. they are irreplaceable, and priceless, so a lot of care has to go into making sure nothing happens to them. i didn't even want anyone to see her things... but then i realized that my parents needed to be coral's grandparents, and seeing her things helped them cope with her loss, and also to get to know her as she was. it was really hard though.

good luck with your son's birthday party. it will probably be hard to summon up the amount of 'happy' you would have had if none of this hadn't have happened, but it may be a chance to separate out a joyful time in your son's and your lives...

[butterfly_mom]

I haven't posted in a while.

I'm about 8 weeks pregnant now. I'm scared out of my mind!!! I fear the unknown. The shots that I am taking for antiphospholipid antibodies are going okay. I take aspirin once a day too. I go see my doc today. I found out last week that she is getting another assignment and wont be around to deliver this little one. I dont like talking in future tense, i'm scared i'll jinx what i have now.

i'm still not able to be in the same room as babies. At my son's religious class I had to walk out because a family brought their newborn twins and their older little girl was showing them off as would a proud sister. I saw that and I became angry not at them but what was stolen from me, my husband, and son. I started to cry so I had to leave the room. My son should be bragging too like that little girl. In public I cannot even look at families.

I feel so alone and empty without Bailee. I want to hold her again and smell her. I should be taking care of my 3-month old baby now.... But i'm not.. I still feel as though I could have prevented all of this. The guilt shows its face still.

I miss my Bailee Elise so much!!!!! I love you Bailee Elise!!!


-liz