pregnancy after loss II

[emmaline]

today I feel a bit too good - no early morning vomit session, ate breakfast, burst of energy had me vacuum the whole house, ate lunch, still feeling OK, bit queasy making dinner for the kids, nowhere like the last few weeks:( :crying :bawl

I know it's OK to feel better, I'm 11 weeks...

seeing the OB on Thursday

freaking out here

[XM]

Oh, emmaline (((hugs)))

I am sorry you are freaking out... I have to say I was freaking out too, before my first visit. You still sound sicker then I was at 11 weeks, if that's any comfort to you...

Ugh, thursday seems so far away! I know you are not doing u/s... is doppler okay for you? I know in an 'ideal' situation, no one would need technology during a pregnancy, but I am with OceanMomma on this one... to me it's worth it to have the reassurance instead of me losing my mind and having no appetite from being so worried. But that is just me, and you do need to do what *feels* right for you and this baby. If you do fetoscope, when can you hear the heartbeat, is'nt it like 18 weeks?

I wish I had someting comforting to say.

XM

[emmaline]

doppler is OK by me - it's not that I'm anti-technology, it's the u/s that might show things I don't want to know about that I'm avoiding

thursday is too far off, I'm going to see if any of the docs in my my local doc's practice have a doppler, some of them do prenatal care

[emmaline]

OK I asked for it, I got it - I went into dh's room, got a serious whif of garlic, yes I've still got a strong visceral reaction to that, everything must be alright:D

[OceanMomma]

{{{Hugs}}} Emmaline. Maybe you need to keep a few cloves of garlic in strategic places so you can have a snort when you're worried :LOL Personally, I just have to think whether I would like a cup of tea, I'm not game enough to do the garlic thing.

I also think this is the most difficult time for us. The nausea is starting to wear off & we can't yet feel the baby moving properly.

If you do go get them to listen to the baby on the doppler, remember that sometimes they can't find the heart beat before 12 weeks when it is really there. Or so I have been told by many mws I've asked.

[emmaline]

strategic garlic snorting:eek

poor dh it's hard for him not to take it personally - hugs are just tolerable, kisses no way, even picking up his clothes from the laundry basket I get a garlic blast, he swears he's avoiding it so I reckon his body must have felt the loss and started to manufacture garlic ;)

roll on baby-kicks in the liver and bouncing on the bladder, the in-between phase is tough

[Jacque Savageau]

I agree, the first trimester is hardest becouse we don't have a lot of physical evidence that things are ok.

strategic garlic snorting :scratch - sounds a bit rash to me! Though, I may have considered it at one time :LOL

Let us know if you decide on the doppler - funny how little things really can calm our worried minds.

Hugs to all you mamma's pregnant after a loss - I'm here, listening and careing.

[emmaline]

well now I know garlic snorting works I just may resort to it sometimes:D

it makes a huge difference to me to know there's a mama-crew out there on our team, thanks ladies :love

[XM]

You should carry a clove of garlic on you in a vial... kind of like the smelling salts for fainting spells of yore... ;)

By the way, when we were at the grocery store the other day, we saw Vegemite. Can you ladies carrying July babies that will come next winter tell me what that stuff is about? Did'nt one of you have a fondness for it?

[OceanMomma]

It was Emmaline who had the thing going on with vegemite. I'm still off bread so it's no go for me. Vegemite is like yeast extract with vege extracts as well. Except if I remember correctly the Ozzie stuff actually has vege extract in & ours just has vege flavouring. You kinda have to grow up with it I think. Then within the vegemite camp you have big divides as to which one is the best as you also get other types of yeast extract spreads - like Marmite - which is vastly different here to the one you get in England which we can get but it's called "our mate". I think I've got about 3 or 4 different types of vegemite type things in the house to cover all bases ;)

I'm not even going to comment on the thought of carrying a vial of garlic essence around with me - euww!! Actually I was reading something like the I'm pregnant or the health & healing forum the other day & this woman was suggesting to someone who was pg with flu to take what was essentially garlic tea as she'd had ti when she was pg. I couldn't believe it. I thought the aversion to garlic was common to all pg women. Live & learn eh? If I could work out how to do a poll, I'd post one in the I'm pg forum to find out.

[emmaline]

ha ha XM - reverse smelling salts:D

when I get to 1000 posts I'll become "strategic garlic snorter", this really tickles my funnybone

OM is correct about vegemite. It was originally made from the sludge left over from brewing beer - I've heard it still is - but there are numerous types about. I grew uo with Marmite but went over to Vegemite in my shared-household days, as everyone I knew preferrred it. At the moment it is one of my major sources of nutrition - and it does require toast AND butter under it to be anywhere near edible. Very salty but chockful of B vitamins. Looks like axle-grease.

Must have another piece... mmmm....

edited to add : garlic tea in pregnancy - oh my goodness :gross

[Jacque Savageau]

To us Americans, Vegimite sounds like eating dirt! Yikes! But the, my family ate 'Red Soppy':eek

A few months back JW enlightened us on Vegimite which she clamims to eat off the spoon like Peanut Butter - I don't know?

I would think that would turn your tummy in pregnancy.

Glad you ladies are feeling well right now. Keep taking care of yourselves and keep hydrated!

Is it still hot and muggy over there? It's cold and DRY over here. Below 0 and we're expecting an ice storm this evening. The ice storms usually leave the trees gleeming like glass - it's quite beautiful, but very dangerous.

Much Gentleness~

Jacque

[XM]

Jacque, what is 'red soppy'? Or am I going to wish I had'nt asked?

Ladies, I don't want to sound judgemental but that sounds really, really gross. Beer sludge that's really salty and looks like axle grease? Now, I have only thrown up once this pregnancy, but if I was eating that stuff I would probably spew every day. At least it has nutrients! Ironically, I loooove garlic and it makes me so sad for you two to read that garlic makes you so ill!

I read that it is Tibetan lore that if a mother craves spicy food she is carrying a girl, and if she craves bland food she is carrying a boy. Any thoughts on this? With Xiola I could not get enough Mexican food, and this time I have been more into comfort food.... and even though I have not been spewing I have definitely been more sick this time then with Xiola... sometimes I think, 'If I could only just puke and be done with it, I'd feel better...'

XM

[emmaline]

yes I know Vegemite sounds awful but it's a real comfort food for most aussies, and think of those B vitamins:) no way could I eat it off a spoon though

not sure I want to be enlightened about red soppy either - but as a kid I did love fried sheeps brains :gross NOT on my comfort food list now!!!

bland food certainly was my passion with both my boys, especially last time, my idea of a yummy dinner was some mashed spuds followed by vanilla custard, I'll reserve judgement for this time till a bit later - but ds2 is adamant we're having a girl

[XM]

So (other then 'Red Soppy') is there any food we seem to love here in the States that you guys think is abhorrent?

[emmaline]

tell me a few and I'll give you a reading on the gross-out scale!

[XM]

Hmmm, well, that's tricky because all the good food here we got from other countries. In Seattle, we like to get fish and chips and chowder at Ivar's, burgers at Dick's (local chain), pizza and caesar salads from Romio's, and gyros from the Gyro-cery. We also love Lombardi's when we want to really splurge... they have chicken parmesan to die for... and you will gag, but they roast whole cloves of garlic and serve it to you with crusty bread, you squeeze the garlic out of the cloves and smear it on your bread...

It's heavenly, I tell you.

This reminds me of a conversation a girlfriend and I had once, about how cheese was so delicious and wonderful and part of so many of our favorite foods that we felt sorry for people who were lactose intolerant and could not indulge in cheese without becoming ill... I feel bad for you guys because garlic makes you sick but it makes me so happy. Do you like it when you're not pregnant, or do you just dislike it worse when you are with child?

Ironicaly, the food at the Space Needle sucks!

XM

[OceanMomma]

I hate to say it but all that food gets the thumbs down on the gag rating for me.

Normally I love garlic too, but when pg, I can't touch the stuff. Same with tea & coffee & anything soy.

[Jacque Savageau]

You sure you want to know what 'Red Soppy' is? I'm warning you, it's gross...

You make some wonderful biscuits and thich rich gravy (sounds good so far). Then you stick a raw chicken liver in the middle. It kind of melts in the gravey making a 'red stain' and you take your biscuit and 'sop' it up - yummy? I think not!

Sorry preg. ladies - hope I didn't barf you all out!

With Amanda I craved spicey foods ALL the time. With ds I craved veggies? couldn't get enough spinach. With dd2 I could barely eat anything, but would gag down some oatmeal on occassion. Guess that dosn't help the theory much?

Mom's family is from the back hills of Kentucy they basically mix dead animals and fat for meals (blah).

Dad's family is from Czech. and Bopcha (grandma) made killer stuffed cabbage and these awsome biscuit cookies with plumbs or poppy seeds inside. Oh, and the Pirogies, ahhhh, the Pirogies...

In the Detroit area we have a lot of Beans and Cornbread places - Collard Greens with Baccon Fat oh and Chiterlings (cow intestine inside out - deep fried or cooked in baccon fat). Oh, makes me ill to think of!

Lot's of ethnic foods here. We have a blast going to cool places and trying new things.

Well ladies, wishing you all gentle nausia,

Jacque

[emmaline]

XM - pretty much gagsville here too - at the moment :)

garlic I used to love but after my first preg I never got back the same taste for it and so I do usually use it often, but not a lot at once

roasted garlic cloves are different from fried etc- like roasted onions you get the sweetness - normally on the yum list

tea I must have one big strong cup in the morning, but coffee and soy are out

how are you otherwise OM?

[OceanMomma]

Still pretty queasy altho' I managed to eat some lentils the other day. This is my personal neurotic danger time so I'm hanging in there really.

Let us know how your visit to the OB goes tomorrow.

Trying not to think about what red soppy is :bolt

[emmaline]

oh no I cross posted with jacque - but now I know all - red soppy gets a full gross out award as do chitterlings, how hideous

wouldn't it be good if we could hibernate thru the danger times OM? we'd need some ice storms or snow drifts though (fat chance, we're looking at 40C for this coming saturday), curl up and sleep till, oh 5 or 6 months??

impressive that you could eat lentils:) I ate three red kidney beans a couple of days ago

[OceanMomma]

you brave woman! i'm not sure as i'm quite up to whole pulses yet. the lentils were red split lentils. I was making dd her fave dinner, which is red lentil bolognese - minus the garlic & onions - & the lentils were boiling away. they actually smelt nice so i decided to try some.

i stuffed up today & had some liquorice allsorts when i was out shopping so have been feeling rather sick ever since. back to cornies & organic plums & nectarines for me i think.

edited to add: you're having a summer, how lucky is that! we have literally had about 3 sunny days that were stiflingly hot & humid that i managed to spend mainly in traffic jams as well. then it's been overcast & rainy & muggy ever since. apparently we've had the coldest november in 24 years. i'm guessing december will not be much better :(

[emmaline]

not much to say about OB visit, BP a bit up (not too much), she didn't think it would be helpful to look for heartbeat with doppler today though she said my uterus is a good size:)

I feel crappy enough to be convinced I'm still on track:D

edited to add : I believe summer is vastly overrated and by all accounts we are heading for a whopper extra dry bushfire extravaganza:( :( , we will be trying to get away for a little trip up into the mountains for some cool fresh air

OM did you move house yet??

[OceanMomma]

So it sounded like all went well. What a wierd thing to say tho' about it not being helpful to look for the heartbeat. Most medical people can't wait to get at you with some technology.

Nope we haven't moved yet. We're off on Jan 7th. I'm going to my last acupuncture appointment tomorrow & then that's it with anyone who can vaguely tell me the baby is OK until the 13th Jan at least :eek

I can't remember if I told you or not but I found myself a mw down south. She used to be an exclusively homebirth mw & lives about 3 or 4 miles further out on the peninsula than us.

[MossbackMeadow]

OM - I've been wondering where you are - how you're doing. Emmaline - good to see your name up again. I feel like you two are my special friends this time around.

Ahhh - here I am in northwest Ohio - home of some serious farm food, although I haven't had much of an appetite - especially for sweets or meat. I'm craving salty -- especially Mexican food. ANd those little oranges called Clementines - I'm eating them like candy.

Some regional favorites - shredded chicken sandwiches, corn casserole, roast beef and gravy, bratwurst, mashed potatoes, pies, homemade ice cream. All healthy stuff, lol.

Right now I've got a batch of super garlic/onion/cayenne pepper chicken noodle soup on the stove. I have the worst headcold - I'm just miserable. The itchy nose, watery eyes, drippy nose, powerful sneeze stage ( and wetting my pants!) is going on forever. I'm taking low doses of echinacea and vit. c - not really enough to do me any good - I'm afraid to take anything, really.

But the family is all home, the woodstove is blazing here in our little log house, the Christmas tree is up, and life is good.




:)

[MossbackMeadow]

Emma - I can't believe she would not attempt to find a heartbeat! I heard mine at 11 weeks, very low , after about 20 minutes of trying. I went in and said to the mw " look for a heartbeat, and don't stop until you find it!" DH was there for a little bit, but she couldn't find it while he was there. I got up and emptied bladder and then , there it was. The most beautiful sound.
It is great that your uterus and good sized and you are so sick. Surely it couldn't be all mental!

Waiting to feel some real confirming kicks,
M.

[emmaline]

I think she would have tried if I'd really pushed the point but I was over my "oh god where's the nausea?" horrors of earlier in the week

life does sound good mossy(not the head cold :( ), esp the woodstove and log cabin bit! mexican food I could not touch at the moment but I had an excellent Japanese feed last week, sushi (no raw fish!) and udon noodles with the most flavoursome clear soup and several types of mushrooms and seaweeds, and tofu

I'm having trouble with bone-deep fatigue in the late afternoon and evening - last night I collapsed into bed in tears at 9 pm, wondering how on earth I'm going to do the hard yards over summer, poor little ds2 climbed in and burst into tears also, took ages to get him calm enough to say how worried he was about me :bawl so this morning while I'm up and about, we're going to make shortbread

and we brought in and decorated the tree:) I love doing that

[Jacque Savageau]

Glad you ladies are doing well - OM & XM - You must check in! We're thinking about you! (I'm a mom, I worry)

The soup sounds amazing! I'm in Michigan, so I may have to drive down for a bowl lol! Get the fire burning and the tree trimed! I'll bring my robe and fuzzy slippers - ok?

emmaline, my weekness is Sushi! I LIVED on it during ds's pregnancy - all veggie of course;) and Udon noodles - girl, we can go out to eat ANY TIME! Of course, you're not a 2-6 hour car drive away like MITB:(

Poor ds, it really does break your heart when you're feeling so lousy and your child has to bear it too. I had cronic kidney infections with dd and ds was only 2. Dh was working and going to school and never home. I remember several times laying on the floor at the hospital Maternity ward crying in pain while ds stroked my hair and said "it's ok mommy":crying broke my heart.

The good news is, he's now 7 (8 tomorrow, but I won't go there yet;) ) and he wasn't damaged for life. In fact, he's very loving and protective of me. Just keep re-assuring him that mommy is ok, and will be ok, she's just haveing a hard time and sometimes things hurt - but that you're OK. You may even want to have him get you a glass of water or something. This way he feels like he's helping and has some control.

You're all in my thoughts. Everything sounds very reassuring and for that I'm glad.

[OceanMomma]

I'm still here. Thank you for asking & caring :love I've just got back from some xmas shopping over town. A total nightmare in the heat, traffic & fumes with my ropey BMW with a leaky radiator. Thankfully it didn't overheat. I think it doesn't leak half so much as dh claims it does. Once I've recovered I've gotta go to the mall to get some more stuff - argh!!!!

I just been out in the sun in the backyard with Saffron cracking macadamia nuts for the panforte. I cracked the nuts & she ate them. Hopefully there will be some left :)

No tree yet. Dh is a real bah humbug when it comes to things like that. I've got a couple in pots in the garden I may be able to resurrect.

Still feeling sick on & off. Feeling decidedly freaked tho' as well. Just had the "you must think positive talk" off dh on the phone.

I couldn't eat any of the food you mentioned. I did manage to cook & eat a whole meal the other night.

[emmaline]

panforte - yum yum - a few years ago I made a huge quantity and shipped blocks off to all my relatives around the country - when one of my younger brothers opened his ( a heavy block wrapped in lots of aluminium foil) he thought I had sent him a kilo of hashish :LOL

can you eat nuts OM? I'm still craving them, trying to stick mostly to almonds but macadamias are just irresistable

I have trouble with the think positive talk - I do as much "letting go" as I can but sometimes just have to give in to the dark thoughts, they are there and will bubble out

I've just organised several days after Christmas on top of a mountain about 3 hrs drive away, it's in a ski resort village and is very quiet over summer - might even snow, it does occasionally in summer up there, but wouldn't be a patch on Ohio or Michigan! but still very exciting

and finally HAPPY BIRTHDAY to jacque's ds :love

[Jacque Savageau]

OM - good to here from you! What is panforte? If it's made with macadamia nuts - COUNT ME IN!!! Mmmmm I love nuts!

As for the 'think positive' stuff. I totally understand. It was so infuriating when someone would go into that during my sub-pregnancies. Or the "be thankful you did get preg." Or "you're so young, you can have a ton of kids". ARRGGHHH!

You all know how much importance I place on feelings. I do want you to think and feel positive. However, when the dark feelings are there - you're right, they MUST come out!

From what I'm observing, you women are moving through this transition very well. You're going to be scared - no doubt about it! It's like getting in a car accident. You'll get behind the wheel again, but you'll be shaken.

So many people are afraid of the dark emotions. They think a smile and flirty word will make us feel all warm and fuzzy. I do wish more people would allow those around them to just feel. We'd all be so much healthier!

Have you ever just ragged or cried to a friend and had them listen? You tend to work out your own fears - just because they LET you.

Keep feeling ladies. You're all amazing, strong women! You dared to take a chance again.

Gently,

Jacque

[OceanMomma]

Here's the link to the recipe I sort of used

http://www.abc.net.au/outback/stories/s440486.htm

I forgot to write a shopping list before I went out so I forgot the walnuts & ended up using macadamias & almonds & hazelnuts. I didn't toast any of them first. I omitted the sugar altogether. Used organic fair traded cocoa & chocolate ( 100g instead of 60g ). Used probably double the honey. For the dried fruit I used raisins, currants, chopped up figs & glace cherries.

Everyone I know seems to want to give me advice based on what they would do or want me to do or inflict their ideal actions onto me :( So I tend not to bother talking to them about it.

Not sure about being strong. I think you have no choice with this. It is not gonna disappear in a puff of smoke whatever the outcome.

[MossbackMeadow]

OM - Those fruits and nuts sound so good.
Ms Mom - the other night I was at a party and the outfit I was wearing made my tummy look about 6 mos. I am still trying"in the closet," with this -- haven't told many - people started coming up and saying "Oh - you're expecting . . . . " It was uncomfortable. I felt sheepish, wary, not confident. These were just acquaintences that don't know me or my mcs, but I want to respond with , " well, let's wait and see . . . " This week with Christmas I will be seeing my parents and inlaws - they don't know yet. We need to tell them before they hear it from someone else I guess, but for some reason it all feels so tentative. I have even joked darkly with my husband, " What if this pregnancy is psychosomatic? Do I want this so bad that I could be one of those women that fakes a pregnancy, gains some weight, and kidnaps a newborn???? Sick!

I see you two are still having the gags. I quit that about a week ago. Should that worry me? I'm in limbo -- can't feel baby moving, but I did hear that reassuring heartbeat. Sometimes my uterus has a twige - like a baby braxton hicks contraction ( I normally have lots of those all along), or a growing and stretching. I wish I had kept better journals with my other pregnancies. I haven't been this pregnant for 7 years - I've forgotten the details.
MM, 12.5 weeks

[Jacque Savageau]

OM - the panforte sounds DEVINE! I'm going to make some next week - thank you!

It really hurts when others have 'advice' for you. It's as if you're an idiot who can't make decisions for yourself. OM you're an intelegent woman and you're doing everything right! :hug

MM - So sorry about the party. That must have been difficult not being prepaired. It's so hard, you want people to be happy for you, but you feel so torn too.

I'll be thinking of you at Christmas. Yes, do tell the family before you arrive. You may even want to ask them to keep it low key - not ignore it - just keep it low key and simple. Explain that you're having a hard time and this is what you need from them.

Glad eveyone is doing well, I'm still waiting for XM to check in.

[emmaline]

Christmas morning here, kids still asleep.

Lats night I felt my womb, round and firm poking up above my pubic bone ( no it wasn't my bladder!) wow, what a buzz.

mossy - hang in there with the relatives, tell them what you need. Phantom pregnancy??? I don't think so, you sound way too well-earthed (is that a word?)

OM - "It is not gonna disappear in a puff of smoke whatever the outcome" yes you are so right, we just have to keep going and live through whatever comes up, "strong" or not.

XM - are you OK? no news is good news right?

jacque - your posts are like a warm hug every time

:love to everyone

e:down :hippie

[XM]

No news means that my treacherous computer had a meltdown and is in the shop. Sorry to have worried you guys, this has been a busy week and this is the first chance I have had to use a computer and check in. Trust me, I could never just 'lurk', my mouth is way too big for me to go a week without chiming in on something! I have just not had the 'puter or the time to rent one for an hour to check in. Hoping to have the computer back soon, but don't worry if it's a while before you hear from me again.

Been feeling pretty good, have been feeling the baby kick more and more the last few weeks and Mike even got to feel it the other night. But I still keep forgetting that I am pregnant and then I wonder why the hell I am so tired and achey and cranky... poor Mike for having to put up with me. I told him that next time it is his turn to be pregnant, now if science could only catch up to my threat... I hate to have a crappy attitude about it but I am getting a little tired of being pregnant right about now! Next one's on him.

Yesterday I went to see a friend of mine who had a home birth over the weekend and delivered twins. Get this... her girl was 8lb 2oz, and her boy was 8lb 10oz!!! Those are the biggest twins that I have heard of! She was eating 150g protein a day and a gallon of water and took them to 40 weeks and had a 12 hour labor! I met her midwife and am going to meet with her again this friday, so I am pretty excited about that.

I agree with the advice thing, it's like if you really think that I am that incredibly stupid then maybe you should walk me home so I don't get my incredibly stupid arse hit by a car. Please!! Oh well... people say incredibly stupid things when they have no idea what to say. If only they could just opt to keep their mouths shut instead...

What is up with our sigs getting jacked? Man, I am off for one week and everything just goes to hell... I want my sig back!!

XM

[Jacque Savageau]

XM - thanks for checking in! I can sleep better tonight:wink . I actually wasn't worried about you - I had a calm sence that everything was well. I just needed to hear your 'voice'.

I remember being upset several times when I was pregnant with ds. I had just been pregnant, givin birth and here I was again - swollen, achy back, crampy, moody - and still, NO BABY! It just didn't seem fair! Sending you hugs and hoping you're feeling better.

emmaline, it must feel so nice to be able to 'feel' proof that you're body is doing this right. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your family.

A happy and gentle holiday to all of you!

Jacque

[emmaline]

hi XM! yay for feeling kicks :sunshine , yuck for feeling tired and cranky :crap

amazing story of your friends twins!! what a woman

hope your puter problems are soon sorted :nut

seen the new smilies? :tiptoe

[MossbackMeadow]

Welcome back XM - it always seems like such a long time until dh can feel the kicks from the outside. I am in awe of the set of twins. I can't imagine eating 150 g of protein a day. Even 80 seems hard sometimes, doesn't it? That is a really wonderful testament to what the general population doesn't seem to know. that birth is normal and nutrition really does count.

Well, both dh's parents and my parents were here for dinner yesterday. No one said anything about my tummy. I had on overalls. They must think I ate too many Christmas cookies. We still didn't tell them!!!!!!!!!
Not joking here, my tummy looks like one of those child size basketballs. Every night when I get undressed I say, "holy crap," and my dh just laughs. If I look like this now at the start of week 14, what am I going to look like in May?????:eek
I'm not real tall, 5'4", and this is baby #4, but still . . .. .

Did you get a lot of snow in the Motor City MsMom? We have 6-8 inches and may head out for a sledding expedition this afternoon.
Merry Christmas everyone.

[seagan]

Hiya, gals. Thought I'd check in here, as I know you'd understand my wild mix of emotions right now: I tested positive last night (Christmas!) and I'm terrified. The joy and acceptance keeps trying to peep out here and there but then it gets tackled by the fear. (It barely let me post this!)

I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks in mid-October (I was a "May Mama" with you, XM) and am so worried this will be a repeat experience. We had planned to wait until March to start TTC again, but, well...deep down we wanted to try sooner, fear be damned (or so I thougtht).

Anyway, I knew this group would understand. Trying to be hopeful, happy, but accepting of the fear and worry, too.

Thanks for listening,
darcy

[MossbackMeadow]

Hi Darcy,
Yes, I think you have found a place where people understand exactly how you're feeling. My most recent miscarriage was in early Sept., also at 9 weeks, and somehow I found myself pregnant again the next month.
I don't really have any advice for you. I know the fear of checking for blood every time you visit the bathroom. This little forum has helped me because at least I have people to talk to about pregnancy symptoms, since we're trying to lie low around here. Just take good care of yourself, try to stay busy with other things, and enjoy each day that you are carrying this little life.
Here's hoping you'll soon find yourself at 12 -plus weeks, and breathing a little easier.

Praise God from whom all newly conceived blessings flow!:baby

[emmaline]

hi darcy - congratulations! and I'm glad you joined us here, we do get that wild mix of emotions very well, feel free to share whatever comes up for you

how are you physically? I remember conceiving three times in one year, finally when my first ds was born I was just so energised because I wasn't pregnant or in recovery from m/c I felt reborn myself! pleases take care of yourself amidst all the ups and downs of this rollercoaster ride we're on



MM - you didn't tell and no one asked??? with a basketball under overalls?? did the families know about your m/cs? if so I can understand they might be loathe to ask - I would never ask if someone's pregnant - but if one of my SILs showed up in overalls with a basketball-belly.... well I might gently wonder

my SIL badly wanted to talk openly about my pregnancy, she's so excited, so I finally managed to get dh to tell his father (dh hates these sorts of conversations but I decided it was a perfect son-father experience they had to have!!), so now the families are all in the loop. FIL said nothing to me! even when SIL made a toast to the newest family member, don't know what that's about

my old stretch marks are turning purple - that's OK, it is my favourite colour:)

[Jacque Savageau]

Originally posted by emmaline
my old stretch marks are turning purple - that's OK, it is my favourite colour:)

Now that's a good attitude! I actually like my stretch marks. They tell quite a story!.

Darcy, a warm welcome to the pregnancy after loss thread. We're actually mulling around a forum dedicated to this subject. It's such a mix of happiness and fear when we find ourselves pregnant again. It's like being in an open field in a hail storm.

As Emmaline said, feel free to talk about what ever you need here. So many of us have gone (or are going through) this and the support and acceptance of feelings is overwhelming.

When pregnant after a loss we feel so conflicted. We don't want to complain about feeling tired or nautious because we feel so thankfull to be pregnant again. Just remember, you're feelings are the one thing you truly own and you have every right to them.

Take good care of yourself now. Drink LOTS of water, eat small healthy meals throughout the day. Rest when you can and as emmaline said - keep busy.

Gently,

Jacque

[MossbackMeadow]

<<you didn't tell and no one asked??? with a basketball under overalls?? did the families know about your m/cs? if so I can understand <<

Yes - that's right! They probably thought it was my overalls. The family doesn't know about the mcs. I don't know - I just feel private about things. It's like announcing, "uh, Brad and I had sex again, " and I'm sure they wouldn't understand how I feel about the mcs. DH just doesn't want to tell them - he says we're the ones it brings joy to, and they'll find out soon enough. My parents are of the "2 children is enough" variety -- they acted angry when i told them about #3, so we are thinking why should we ruin our little happiness bubble. And in a way, I think my parents have other things on their minds ( other family problems), and that's why they didn't notice. And, I think part of it that we are homebirthers and that makes them mad. If they know I've had 3 mcs, they'll bug me about going to the doctor. They'll bug me about being old ( I'm almost 37 - elderly grand multipara, you know!) THey'll bug me about my hippy midwife. I realize this makes my parents sound like mean petty people, which they're really not, they are sweet and mildmannered, but they are medically oriented. So, I procrastinate. Maybe it's the Puritan in me!

On the other hand, Dh's parents had 5 children - they will be happy. I'm sure it will come out tomorrow when we have Christmas with his family.

If you get tired of my rambling, feel free to use delete key!
:wink

[Jacque Savageau]

Originally posted by MossbackMeadow
[BIf you get tired of my rambling, feel free to use delete key!
:wink [/B]

Never! Ramble away that's why this thread exists!

Sorry, I ment to comment about you in my last post (then I got interupted by dd:rolleyes: ).

I think you have to do what's comfortable for you. If keeping it to yourself feels right for you - do it.

It's nice that you understand and accpet your family so much. Many people cannot get past that sort of thing. You also don't allow them to dictate their opinions upon you - good for you.

I didn't tell dh's family untill I was 7 months:eek I just couldn't face their usual un-enthusiastic reaction.

Enjoy your bubble of happiness:love

[MossbackMeadow]

MsMom wrote:<<<I didn't tell dh's family untill I was 7 months I just couldn't face their usual un-enthusiastic reaction.
<<


LOL!
:LOL :rotflmao

[OceanMomma]

:LOL we didn't tell dh's family about Saffron until I was 20 weeks. She asked him if I'd just found out :rotflmao

With the current baby, he's just not said anything. No doubt anyone who has seen me is gossiping maliciously how I've let myself go now I'm married & I've produced a baby related to him :eek No wonder he hasn't told them!

Dropped by the mws today for my abuse of technology ;) I was feeling very freaked, despite feeling spewy still, as I've had some real horrid pains & it's that 14 week nasty danger time for me. Thankfully we found the babe's heart beat good & strong & even heard her kicking.

Welcome Darcy! Congrats! Hang in there & relax. Do as we say not as we do ;) Feel free to come & talk to us here any time you like, however silly you feel. This is what I love about the ladies here. They understand. I know I'm being neurotic but I still need to get my feeling out & have them understood

[seagan]

Thank you all so much for your warm words of welcome, wisdom and support. It feels so good, and has helped me relax so much already.

Another thing that is really helping me, in ways I can't even identify yet, is a bit of advice someone on the "Aug/Sept Mamas" thread passed on, which is to enjoy the time I do have with this babe, even now. That has really helped me slow down and be more "present" with the pregnancy as it is RIGHT NOW, not as it might become, or just in a pure waiting mode for the relative "safety" of the 12-week mark.

It's also helped me appreciate what else is going in my life right now -- the precious time I have with my wonderful (and always-changing!) 29-month old DS, and my terrific marriage. And it's helped me pace myself a bit more; with a full-time job and breastfeeding my toddler, I'm easily overwhelmed (and worried) by how I'll keep myself and this baby healthy and nourished. But taking things more day by day (or even hour by hour) helps there, too.

Which is not to say I'm not still scared! I am, and probably will continue to be. But I'm feeling that anxiety in a different way, at least for now.

So thank you, thank you, my friends. I feel very lucky to be here.

peace,
darcy

[Jacque Savageau]

Darcy, I think EVERY woman is scared to some extent during pregnancy. I'm glad you're bringing things into perspective. That is SO true! You need to rejoyce in every moment this soul has graced you. Not always an easy task is it?

We can't make the pregnancy go any faster. I think this is actually a good thing. It gives us time to work out our fears and anxiety.

OM - do as we say not as we do:eek You make me laugh! Trust me, all of you women are approaching this in a very healthy way. Fears are normal and sometimes laughing beats crying.

MM - just goes to show, ya gotta do what feels right! We used to joke about calling from the hospital and telling them they had a new grandchild :LOL Yes, we got WALLOPED with show. 6 Inches in 1 hour! I went to Wallgreens at midnight for some Orange Juice - no snow - 15 min. later I walked out and it was a blizzard! I had to scrape the car! I live on block from Wallgreens and I couldn't find my street - I drove over the curb:eek Funny thing is, the weather channel kept saying 'light fluries throughout Michigan' and we already had 6 inches!

I know XM is still having computer issues, but, I look forward to an update!

Gently with hugs,

Jacque

[magdala]

Been off the computer-land for a while and so glad to find this post here upon return!
OceanMamma -it is so wonderful to find you here - I hope your pregnancy continues to run it's beautiful if nauseating course! Your words of wisdom were so helpful this spring thru my m/c (I was logged in as 'magda') and I have been thrilled to find so many of us moved to the I'm Pregnant boards this fall!

Ms.Mom- a definite HUGE vote goes out for a forum on PAL ( preg.aft.loss.)- I've found myself not quite at home on the I'm Pregnant boards and it's sometimes(often) too painful to return here to the loss boards-even though I've made it to week 27(!!!!) I still have constant nightmares of losing my baby, fear problems with the baby, etc. I suppose my subconcious is still trying to process things- especially because the reality of this coming babe is all anyone else notices!
The original due date was difficult too- Dec.1st- and although I feel soooo blessed to be pregnant again , a part of me feels that I have been pregnant long enough- and still 3 more months- is it elephants who gestate for over a year? It's been pretty exhausting, but I feel guilty seeming too tired out since I also know how lucky I am to be pregnant! Complex feelings!
An interesting syncronicity- this baby's due date (March 28) is the same day we tested positive for 1st pregnancy last year!
The universe works in mysterious ways.
Anyone else run down from prolonged hormonal shifts due to m/c? Anything help? I guess today's kind of a blue day here in the rain. I'll go count my blessings- love and strength to you all, magdala

[OceanMomma]

Hi Magdala! Pleased to hear from you again :love :rotflmao about the elephants. I used to feel like that when I was pg with Saffron. It took me virtually 18 months of being pg to have her. I spent about 6 1/2 months in between ( in 2 hits of 6 weeks & 5 months ) not being pg but I was either recovering from losing my last babe I'd lost or concentrating on becoming pg again so it felt like I was pg forever. I even used to joke with people that I wasn't really pg, I had some eating disorder that made me this shape & I was pretending to be pg so no one noticed ;) Won't be long & your new babe will be here :) & you won't be feeling so much like an elephant anymore.

I think the whole physical process of having a m/c or losing a baby is enuf to run anyone down. Once you throw the mental side of things in, yes it is bound to have an effect. I went to acupuncture & more acupuncture & then even more acupuncture to help me. I tried to eat healthfully & drink lots of fluid & have a calm peaceful life when I was not pg. When I'm pg, the dread nausea strikes & most of the nutrition & fluid stuff goes out of the window. I have purposefully avoided people I feel have a negative effect on me. Other than that, rest as much as you can. & maybe do something creative to help make you feel more connected to the universe & your baby.

Edited to add that I have a really beautiful recipe for a nourishing prenatal tea. It helps to have a special time of the day when you can centre & connect with your babe & drink a cup of norishing tea.

[XM]

Yes, I have my computer back. But now I am sick as a dog (I have never seen a parrot be sick so I am gonna go with what I know) so if I am not coherent that's why. It's just a head cold but my IQ is currently that of broccoli because with all the snot in my head my brains are being compressed.

Darcy, I do remember you from the May Mamas thread. And I am so sorry that you lost your little one. While I love all the ladies here, it's not exactly a club I would wish for anyone to join.

I can also associate with the elephant comment! I was pregnant with Xiola for 41 weeks and then concieved Spawn almost exactly 5 months after she was born. So counting the ttc period because it was so baby-obsessed, I will have been doing the gestating gig for ust over 2 years... just for one baby! I try not to think about that though, because it really makes me feel cheated.

I am glad that it takes 40 weeks to make a baby, though, because we have needed every minute of it to get ready for our second child. I am already 21 1/2 weeks and it seems like it was just yesterday that we concieved... those first few months really dragged, though!

Oh and OM, I started having a lot of ligament cramps around 14 weeks, some of them pretty sharp... and sometimes I even have Braxton-Hicks strong enough to make me pause. I have to constantly remind myself that this is all normal... of course, nothing about being pregnant seems all that normal when it's happening to you ;)

XM

[emmaline]

just dropping in very quickly to wish everyone the best for 2003 - I'll be out of town and offline till the end of the week - pats for all the swelling bellies, hugs for all the mamas :love :love

e:down

[SpiralWoman]

hi ladies~
mind if a new person barges in? Glad I found this thread, bcz I've been feeling a bit confused. I know some of you already, some I don't, so here's who I am: I am 19-almost-20 weeks pregnant, 35 yrs old. Had a miscarraige 5 and a half years ago now, & TTC off & on since then. After starting in with the infertility docs about this time last year, we got pregnant in August after our 1st cycle on clomid and a simple timed insemination with DH's swimmers.

I have been avoiding coming over here to P&BL bcz it seemed to trigger some of my fears & I felt inappropriate, being pregnant & listening in to other people's not being pregnant. I was also scared it was feeding my over-stimulated paranoid brain. However, "PAL" seems exactly right for me. Even though my MC is over 5 yrs ago, the extended infertility issue really feels like a continuous loss & I think it really adds to the stress & pressure of wanting/ needing everything to be ok with this baby.

I'm really glad you all are here. I had been feeling really wierded out that I wasn't "out-growing" my fears now that I am almost half-way there. It isn't helping that I haven't felt a definite kick yet from the little one, but I am starting out quite overweight & have heard that can be a hindrance to early feelings. My sister said she didn't recognize her 1st moving until she was about 5 & a half months. Last appt HB was strong & everything looked very good, so I actually feel guilty when I get worried & stressed like I am tonite.

Anyway, that's me for now. Most of the time I am upbeat & happy & starting to be more convinced this is really happening. I think crying & stressing can be interpreted as a good sign, my hormones certainly are surging!
take care all, Maria

[OceanMomma]

Have fun outta town Emmaline :down

Welcome SpiralWoman! I have always loved your username. I know what you mean about being wierded out about not outgrowing your fears. It's bizarre isn't it. It's like your rational logical brain tells you one thing & then there's this neurotic, outta control woman in your head babbling away in the background who just won't go away.

Infertility, especially long term infertility, is just so mentally & physically debilitating that I think when we do finally get pg, we appreciate just how fragile & lucky we are. I think you lose a whole heap of confidence in your body as well. So a lot more fears creep in that normally wouldn't.

Don't worry too much about not feeling the kicking yet. I have read that first ones take far longer to notice. 23 - 24 weeks is not out of the ordinary. You're may even be feeling the baby now just you're not realising it's the baby. Early kicks feel a lot like gas bubbles in your gut.

[seagan]

Maria/SpiralWoman! I'm so glad you joined us -- I've been thinking about you so much and wondering, wondering. I've hesitated to PM you because I thought you may have needed a break from that sort of connection, but I sure have been tempted!

Anyway, thanks for checking in and I hope you feel that little one soon. Oh, and I second the point that those early movements often feel more like burps or bubbles or tiny somersaults than "kicks." More circular than angular, if that makes any sense!

Up here in balmy Minnesota I'm doing well -- the nausea and lightheadedness are pretty noticeable now, as is a distinct sense of something growing within. Sometimes when I awake in the middle of the night, or lay down to rest, it's like I can feel the heightened rush of blood and hormones and extra life running through my veins. Cool and intense!

And here's a boob question, of all things: does anybody know if one breast can react differently to pregnancy if it's not being nursed as much as the other? DS favors one over the other (pretty much ignoring the left), and I swear I have two different phenomena happening in each, with the non-nursed breast exhibiting more of the traditional pregnancy symptoms and the nursed one pretty much feeling the same as always. Am I (or my boobs, anyway) nuts?

Hope everyone is doing well. This is such a great group of women. Happy 2003 to all!

darcy

[XM]

Maria, you are hardly barging in! Besides, it is a reality of this forum that while some mamas who have had losses choose to post, some just feel more comfortable reading what is here and get comfort from that. I know there are many ladies on MDC who have had losses that I don't see post here. That's okay, too. You have to do what is right for you.

Also, I don't think there *is* any 'outgrowing' one's fears per se. Each stage of my pregnancy I have felt different about in relation to my loss. It's just part of the process of working through the grief and getting ready to welcome the new baby.

I also think that infertility counts as a loss in its own way. And there is no statute of limitations for grief. Yes, your miscarriage was several years ago, but you will still remember her (a little girl you named Angie, right?) when you are 80-something and have grandchildren. And of course that event has an effect on how you are feeling about this pregnancy.

Try not to worry about kicks, my guess is that you are probably feeling it a little and just don't realize it as the baby... in both of my pregnancies, I felt fluttering for about a month and dismissed it as my infamous pregnancy gas until the baby got big enough to really whack me and then I realized that I had been feeling the baby for a while. I am pretty voluptous myself, and both times I felt the definitive kick around 20 weeks. So it should be any time now. Remember too that the baby sleeps in utero about 90%-95% of the time at this point so it's not going to be active all the time once you do get that kick.

And Darcy, I don't think you or your boobs are nuts! If one boob is seeing more action then the other, then what you are experiencing would only make sense.

OceanMomma, does New Zealand really look like it does in the LoTR movies? We saw Two Towers twice last week and all I can say is I *really* want to visit New Zealand now and just backpack across the countryside. How beautiful. Also, did you decide what to do about your baby's tree when you move?

And Jacque, I vote not only for a Pregnancy After Loss forum, but perhaps also a TTC After Loss/Infertility. I felt kind of bad about 'graduating' from the TTC forum after a month (we had been trying longer but I was in the closet about it) when there were those who had been trying so much longer then I and are still there...

Magdala, good to see you back. I remember you from this spring and I always wonder how people are doing when they have'nt been around...

XM

[OceanMomma]

In the DVD for the 1sr LoTR movie they had a bit about where they filmed it & how they chose the locations. A lot of them are in the south island. We're moving to the south island next week - yay!

I've not seen the second movie, but the first one I recognised the scenery. I even spotted some possum damage in the bush. Yes New Zealand is a beautiful country. I knew a few ppl in England who hiked across the country, then had to go home & got very depressed.

Still in the throes of the tree drama. Dh went for an exhumation & reckoned he couldn't find anything. I just think he looked in the wrong spot. Latest plan is to dig up the whole tree so we shall see....

As for me, well I'm unreasonably worried. It's now 14 1/2 weeks, exactly when I lost the one before Saffron. I'm hardly feeling sick now & I just can't see a baby at the end of all this. I can't see a nasty baby loss either. I just feel in limbo.

[XM]

OM, if it's any comfort to you, 14 weeks is when my nausea faded... and there is no reason when it comes to worry. It just is. Like I said, I have been vascillating between complete serenity that this baby will be healthy and perfect and fear that something will go wrong and I will be denied this child as well.

But mostly I feel a peace with this child that I did not have when I was pregnant with Xiola. I had felt it in my bones from the very beginning that we were going to lose her. I just don't feel that way this time, with this baby...

I am with you on the limbo thing, while I 'feel' that this baby will stay it's hard to beleive that I will have it in my arms next spring (fall for you). What a weird thing to have to deal with, as if being pregnant itself was'nt demanding enough...

Will the tree be able to make the move okay? How big is it?

And what is your tea recipie?

XM

[OceanMomma]

With dd#1 I stopped feeling sick at 14 weeks too so I thought it was Ok with my fateful one too. I know what you mean about oscillating between the whole limbo thing & knowing it's all OK. I often question myself in either state so that's even more confusing.

The tea recipe is from Aviva Rohm's book. It's :

2 pts RRL
2 pts nettle
1 pt oastraw
1/2 pt alfalfa
1/2 pt rosehips
1/4 pt clover
1/4 pt spearmint leaf

The tree is a bit taller than me so probably somewhere between 5ft 7" & 6ft. I think it will survive if we look after it. They don't naturally grow in the south island, but bigger ones are more frost hardy than small ones. I'll plant it in our back block which is bush so it is protected a bit more. It is a forest tree after all.

[SpiralWoman]

Hi all~
thanks for the warm welcome, I am feeling much more stable today! I have decided that I am feeling the little one from time to time, Seagan's description of "circular" feelings made sense to me. I've decided that if it's below the belly button, it's the baby, if it's above the belly button & makes noise, its just my stomach growling :p What's funny is when I feel something it's gone so quick, I want to say, hey- do that again so I can really pay attention!

Anyway, hope you all have a wonderful new year & thanks again for being here, maria

[magdala]

Happy New Year to you all- may this year bring everyone here the joy of new life- , New Zealand sounds so beautiful OM- DH spent a wandering half a year there before we met and said he was looking for a bride there so he could stay! glad that didn't work out - but I've also wanted to see it's beauty myself. I'm in Santa Cruz and we have wonderful winter beaches here- driftwood piles up with the storms and people create the most magnificent structures and see-saws and bonfires out there- spent most of the new year's day feeling blessed by the ocean and it was even warm enough to give belly some good old sunny vit D:D . Then, after some fitfull nights of sleep with bad recurring baby-loss nightmares, I had the most beautiful dream of giving my baby a baby massage at the beach in the sand. I woke with some hope in my heart- may it extend out to all of you as well - take care, love, madgdala

[MossbackMeadow]

Magdala,
I hope you have lots more happy baby dreams. I've been having very vivid dreams, unrelated to babies. Mostly with a theme of frustration - trying to dial a tiny phone with big fingers, forgetting important things, encountering a series of locked doors, being in the boys locker room, etc. This makes me wake up grumpy.

Came out of the closet to mom and dad. Mom reacted quite well actually - giggled and said "that's good news." Dad, ever practical, said, "Now you'll have FOUR college educations to worry about." So, glad that's all out in the open.

Today is my 2nd born's 10th birthday. It was my best and fastest birth. She's such a neat girl, very capable and loving, and has this long white ponytail down to her butt. I'm tasting her cake right now!

Celebrated New Year's in typical Midwestern style, with football, mashed potatoes and homemade sauerkraut.

Hey Emmaline - we made it to 15 weeks!
I want to hear about everybody's tummies - how big are they, what are you wearing, etc.

MM

[kazmir]

Hi, I'm in my 6th week after losing my last pregnancy at 10 weeks. Its been a rough couple of weeks, we really didn't want to tell too many people this time around. Just our close family and friends for support. The holdiays make it hard to hide as I do like to imbibe in a good vino with dinner!

I lost the baby in August and we had already told alot of people since we were so excited and didn't think about the possibility of a m/c. So we are being more conservative this time. I have no m/s, but I never had it before. I do have very sore boobs, more so than the last time. I haven't called into my OB yet (just changing insurances) and I am putting it off until I'm sure she will hear a heartbeat at the first visit. Around 10 weeks right?

Thanks for the support and understanding here!

Robin

[MossbackMeadow]

Welcome Robin,
I understand your feeling private about your new pregnancy. We just told our families at 14-15 weeks. Hearing that heartbeat will be so special to you this time. I heard it at 11 weeks. My morning sickness doesn't kick in till about 7 weeks, so hang in there - there is still hope!
MM

[emmaline]

hi to all the "oldies" and welcome to the "newies" - seagan, spiralwoman, magdala and kazmir - congratulations on your pregnancies and I'm so glad you decided to drop in here because the support of these women, who all know just what we're feeling, is so valuable. I wish I'd had something like it when I was suffering in silence (mostly) with ds1 12 years ago. Now I can suffer in public and all these good women will come by and say the right things and it helps so much :grouphug

our trip to the mountains was very refreshing - dh and ds1 did plenty of challenging bushwalks and ds2 and I pottered about under the snowgums and looked for wombat burrows

we did have a major blip with ds1 eating a couple of pistachio nuts and needing an ambulance ride to the district hospital (after I'd shot him up with his Epipen) - he was not supposed to be allergic to them!!! well now we know better:(

belly is getting bigger, nausea is still there to leap up at me sometimes (reassuringly :) ), mostly I am just exhausted, utterly knackered

I had a dream while I was dozing next to ds1 in his hospital bed - I was visiting someone in a hospital (duh!) and a little girl about 2 was wandering around the ward with one of those drip feed tubes taped to her nose, so I knew she had some nutrition problem. She walked up to me very sweetly but confidently, as I was sitting in a chair, pulled up my shirt and began to bf!! I gently disengaged her saying "I know that's what you need but I'm not your mother" and she smiled angelically and wandered away. Interpretations anyone??

MM is it really 15 weeks? wow! is it a good sign that I've lost track already?

[kazmir]

I only have sore boobs, fatigue and peeing to go by. No m/s so thats good! I never had it with dd1. I guess I should call my dr. and make an appointment at about 10 weeks. She should be able to get a heartbeat by then and I will feel much better once I hear that. That was how I found out last time I was m/c, no heartbeat at my first OB appt at 10 weeks :( , my dh is coming with me this time for support :thumb.

I am looking for a good birthing book for support. I will be going for a VBAC and need to be well educated.... any suggestions?

Thanks

Robin

[MossbackMeadow]

Kazmir - glad you are still hanging with us!

I'm a radical birth book junkie. If I was having a vbac I would want to read The Silent Knife.

My other favorites are Immaculate Deception, Spiritual Midwifery, and for something that's toned down a little - A Season of Change by Suzanne Arms.
I think you will find a lot of vback info on the web too.

MM

[emmaline]

dear robin - here is a good site for vbac info

http://www.ican-online.org/

and you will find plenty of info and support at the VBAC forum

good to hear you're 7 weeks now, for me at that stage the days seemed to go very slowly...

e :down

[kaje62]

Hi I all it is nice to find this thread. I miscarried in March 2000. And delivered a gorgeous little boy March 2001 through a cesearean. I was so afraid the first 16 weeks. And even later beings I am a older mom. Don't know why but I am not nearly as afraid this time around. I am due at the beginning of August. I have no m/s, with dh I was so ill that I lost 20 pounds the first 20 weeks. I do get a little queasy with the prenatals and I am very tired and a bit irritable. I did have a dobbler ultrasound at 7 weeks and was able to hear the heartbeat so I feel pretty hopeful at this point. But definitely not out of the woods. Wishing you all the best.

[Jacque Savageau]

Just wanted to drop in and say hello. Glad you're all doing well. I've had some computer problums and havn't been on-line for over 24 hours (Yes, I'm having withdrawl).

This thread warms my heart.

Gently,

Jacque

[MossbackMeadow]

Dear Ms Mom,
I am still puzzling over your id that says you're Ozzie's big buddy, lol. Hmmmmmmm . . . . That's frightening. :rolleyes:

[seagan]

Hi, sweet and wise mamas. Just needing to check in with this group as I move through an unexpected wave of sadness and nervousness. What I thought would be a quick and easy trip to the midwife (just to confirm that this infernal itching is indeed a yeast infection and be reassured that I can treat it without risking anything with the pregnancy) turned out to trigger huge feelings of grief and sadness. I think it's because the last few times I was in that office, I was in the wake of the miscarriage and the associations I guess are just really strong.

I remember how I cried in there on my first visit after the miscarriage, realizing that I was "supposed" to have been there in just a couple weeks for my first official prenatal visit and hearing the heartbeat, and instead was there with a bleeding womb and a broken heart. I had felt so empty, so lost, and the grief was literally pouring out of my eyes.

Anyway, it emerged quite fresh again today, and now is making my heart race about whether this pregnancy will be OK. I'm only 7 weeks along, that m/c came at 9 weeks. Ugh.

Thanks for listening, gals. I hate to bring such a sad tone to the discussion, but I know you'd understand, too.

gratefully,
darcy

[kaje62]

Darcy you are in my thoughts. And your feelings are completely normal. I am in Minneapolis too. Email me kaje62@prodigy.net.

Take care.

[emmaline]

dear darcy

I think those waves of grief are so normal, there are many possible triggers and each one gives us a nudge back into the pain and sorrow that, in the early days or weeks or months, is never all that far from the surface

other major triggers for many of us are anniversaries, of due date, of loss date

getting past that 9 weeks will probably help - I have m/c 3 times at 8 weeks and give a big sigh of relief after that each time, though I never feel 100% safe with pregnancy, that just feels realistic to me

post whatever you want to - sad tone is entirely acceptable

:hug

[emmaline]

dear kaje62

sounds like this pregnancy is going well for you - losing 20lb last time would have been very dramatic

I had an early ultrasound with my pregnancy this time just to hear that heartbeat, it's so very reassuring isn't it?

here's hoping everything continues beautifully

[OceanMomma]

I just wanted to say I'm back after my big journey down South. Along with a few days offline coz Saffron broke my mouse so I had to get a new one.

Glad to see everyone doing so well.

My nausea has come back as I have no acupuncturist down here to make me better :( I *may* be feeling faint flutters of movements. Altho' I'm not sure. Some days I'm sure I've imagined everything & my belly is shrinking. I'm seeing my new mw next week. Today I'm 16 weeks & 1 day. Still very worried, once I can feel movement I think I will feel better. I keep expecting a gush of blood & the baby to fall out. My last loss was 16 weeks 3 days so this could have something to do with it.

The new house is so grotty. It's so smelly & dirty it's horrid, but we have made major inroads into the grime already. I'm off to get more cleaning materials when dd wakes up so we can do the kitchen cupboards. Dh already has a job & is at work today. The views are absolutely superb tho' I can see the whole way up & down the harbour & over to the hills & mountains the other side. Totally breathtaking.

[emmaline]

good to hear from you OM

oh for a view other than my neighbour's sewerage pipes! I'm green with envy, except about the grottiness :(

maybe your new mw will know a local acupuncturist for you?

I wish I could help you feel better about keeping this baby
:crying but probably nothing but time - to get past this awful worrying time and to feel plenty of baby movement - will do that for you :hug :hug :hug

[magdala]

Kazmir- Artemis Speaks is a great book I borrowed from my mw, don't know if it's still in print but it focuses on VBACs and is wonderful for nutritional info as well- I loved reading it even though I have yet to ever give birth! Unfortunately my mw told me the author is now undergoing persecution in the courts over a birth she came out of retirement to do - the witchhunts continue, I suppose.
OM- hope today glides by uneventfully and that by tomorrow you are pg for 16 wks & 4 days!!!:)
As for painful memories, I also had to navigate around getting an ultrasound someplace other than the hospital I went to last time around- I had a scheduled appt there and started crying/generally freaking out and could not bring myself to go in.DH went and talked to the doctor at a clinic around the corner and explained things and I was able to get the u/s there instead. I would say these feelings are so real and valid- if they continue even finding a different care provider is understandable (unless you are in love with yours)- All love & health to you mamas-to-be

[kaje62]

Oh my gosh. We had a total scare today but everything is okay.

We went in for our prenatal and the midwife (Lisa Miles) could not find the heartbeat with the Doppler. As she was searching she asked us if we had picked out any names yet. I said, "I really want to wait until you find the heartbeat to answer your question." Then she said, "I think we should do an ultrasound, they could not find the heartbeat for me either when I was 10 weeks. I am sure you are fine. I have to go see another patient right now. Please wait here." So I sent Jerry and Charlie to the play area while I waited for 15 minutes.

She came back and we got Jerry and Charlie and went into the ultrasound room. She looked and said I am not finding what I am looking for, let's try a vaginal. She looked a few minutes and said, "I am not sure either way, there is no doctor in right now so I would like to send you next door to the hospital for an ultrasound." She then asked how far along I was when I miscarried and I said I really don't want to talk about that right now. How do I get next door?

After I got dressed she met me in the waiting area and said, they cannot get you in until 5:15 p.m. Of course I was a wreck, crying and all and Charlie was beginning to melt down also. I told her I could not wait that long. She said, "It is lunch time and there are no doctors here right now. But you can go over to ER but you should call your insurance first to make sure it will be covered. I looked at her and said, "What do you think is going on? She said, "Kathy I really do not think this pregnancy is viable." Jerry called my sister and I felt devastated.

We went over to ER (same room I went to when we had our miscarriage in 2000) It took about an hour to register, get stats etc. My blood pressure was way up. I waited and thought, How do I post this, how do I tell people? I was such a fool to be optimistic. And then they said, "we cannot get you an ultrasound until 5:15 but we can do a Doppler test." I said again, "I can't wait that long, this is too hard on me." While I was talking to them, the phone rang and they told me it was Lisa who wanted to talk to me. She said, "Kathy Dr. Harkness is here and will do an ultrasound now if you will come back over." When I got over there I was told Dr. Sari was going to do it now, (think I felt thrown around?)

Anyway I asked Jerry to play with Charlie while I went in. The doctor did the vaginal ultrasound and Lisa stayed in the room with us. The doctor tried for about 5 minutes and then said, "I am not finding the gestational sac or any sign of pregnancy." I said, "How can the sac just disappear? I have not bled or anything." And she said, "here is a flash of something but this is not what I am looking for. I need to just finish up the exam. I am sorry." All of a sudden she said, "Has anyone ever told you that you have an extremely tipped uterus? I said, "no." And she said, "well here is baby with a heart beating away." I started sobbing and she said, "Kathy you need to quit crying or I am going to hurt you with the wand." Needless to say, I could not quit crying so she took it out a few minutes while I let out some emotion. I think I was not a normal patient. Oh well. Anyway baby is okay. What a day. I am tired, relieved, completely drained and so grateful.

Thanks and love to you all.

By the way Jerry was a doll today, but gotta share a man's perspective, We were driving home and Jerry said, "We learned a lesson here. Let's not schedule appointments over the lunch hour anymore."


Magdala I pm'd you.

[MossbackMeadow]

Kathy Jo! I was on a an emotional roller coaster reading your post!
What a relief. :thumb I'm so happy you got your good news and so sorry you went thru that stress. Is there anything more invasive and annoying than an internal ultrasound wand? I don't think so.

Tomorrow I have visit #2 with mw - taking the kids so they can hear the heartbeat. Today is the first day I really felt large and awkward and really pregnant. I think half the problem is that my underwear is cutting me in half -- gotta get the bikinis in and out of the laundry. The other part of the problem is that my sciatic nerve is starting to bother me again. But hey! What's all this talk about problems! I prayed to be able to carry this new little life! I am excited. I just forgot how my body just seems to grow and change in amazing ways each day.

MM:love
mom to C-man - 9-15-90
Boobelly - 1-2-93
Doober - 6-2-96 ( those are nicknames - I'm not that nutty!)
3 mcs
and new project due July 1

[kaje62]

no there is nothing worse but try three vaginals in one day. one was my fault cuz she had to take it out so I could cry. you are so sweet. thank you and blessings to you and your little ones.

[XM]

I cannot imagine how terrified you must have been. And I cannot beleive how you were kept in suspense and tossed around like that. Heinous.

I do agree with your DH, though... :rolleyes: Is'nt it amazing how other people can be? Like, who cares if this woman needs to know if her baby is alive, *I'm* on my lunch break! Please!

XM

[emmaline]

kaje, what a truly awful day for you, thank heavens that little beating heart finally showed up :heartbeat

I think any "normal patient" would respond with plenty of emotion to such a relief after torture - any doctor doing fetal scans must be used to tears

I hope the rets of your pregnancy will be totally boring in comparison :love


my next OB appt is thursday - 16 weeks! I thought of bringing my ds1 to hear a heartbeat but have a few delicate subjects to discuss, so maybe next time

MM good to hear you're getting big and really pregnant!! me too, though sometimes I wish for a t-shirt saying "pregnant, not just fat"

e:down

[OceanMomma]

kaje that must have been so horrific. I'm so pleased it turned out OK in the end. You must be a nervous wreck after going thru that. Sending you lots of :hug & positive energy.

16 weeks Emmaline & MM. It doesn't seem that long does it & it also seems like forever? I'll be 17 weeks in 2 days. We're nearly half way there.

I met my midwife today for the first time. She is lovely. Thankfully after my last one. Piece of synchronicity. I had Saffron at home unassisted by accident. Whilst my midwife was here, just as she'd finished, she got a phone call from one of her ladies who'd just had her baby at home by accident so had to rush off. I've not met many women who this has happened to so I'm taking it as a good omen. My baby is fine. The heart is beating away & you can hear her kicking. Much to my relief.

& yes a T-shirt would be great now I've escaped from M-i-l aka she never to be told's neighbourhood. Altho' I'm too old & too tired these days to really care if people think I'm fat :p

[emmaline]

OM : nearly half-way??? the quick half! good to hear about your MW and the :heartbeat and movements :thumb

[Jacque Savageau]

Kathy-jo, I just wanted to add my hugs to you. Go ahead and cry again if you need to - release some of that tention - we don't want your blood pressure to go up again. Then make some nice herbal tea, put your feet up and try to relax - what a day - you poor thing.

I remember my first trasvaginal, the tech pulled out a box of condoms and I was TOTALLY freaked! It's very invasive. But, what an awsome picture you get!

Thinking about all of you and sending warm thoughts.

Gently,

Jacque

[MossbackMeadow]

Yes, Emma - I for sure want one of those shirts that says "pregnant not fat."

Before we told my dad, he said, " how can you exercise so much and still keep all that weight on?"

Yesterday a lady at church said, "So, I heard you're expecting?"
I said, "Yes, can't you tell?" smoothing my jumper over my tummy.
"Oh, you mean that's not just regular weight gain?"

Maybe I need a shirt that says, "JUST CALL ME LARDBUTT" :confused:

MM

[emmaline]

"regular weight gain"?? I suppose the last thing they're thinking is pregnancy :confused:

ds2 keeps ogling my much enlarged breasts, he has very fond memories of when they were "his" and often says "nice bosoms mum" :D

how is your family taking the news MM?

[MossbackMeadow]

My family is taking the news very well actually. Mom is giggly and acting like it's a first grandchild or something ( surprise). Dad, ever practical, said, "Now you have four college educations to pay for." Like he thought we could pay for one?????lol.

Just came from the mw. Measuring right at 16 cm. Kids are disappointed - they were hoping for big belly and twins). Everythingn as it should be. Heart still beating away. And according to her scale, I haven't gained any weight yet - how can that be. Her scale must weigh light. My belly can be thumped like a watermelon.

[emmaline]

formally requesting :grouphug please friends :( :(

my 16 week appt today brought a lovely little heartbeat via doppler AND a bp of 140/90, I feel like :bawl

I posted in "I'm pregnant" for info about taking calcium or magnesium and I've already had good info about Brewer diet....

mentally I've already raced ahead to hypertension meds and bedrest - I know that's catastrophising but I feel like I must be mad to think everything would be OK

[XM]

When I was at 23 weeks with Xiola, I had a BP of 140/90. I felt fine but my doc put me on a basic med to try to lower it. It never lowered it, but it never went up, either.

I weaned myself off the pills after Xiola was born because it made me sleepy and slow. I read a post here where a mama was saying how she had been taking flaxseed oil for the EFA's but it lowered her already low BP to the point that she actually passed out one day (I passed out once when my doc tried to raise my dose on the BP med). So I was thinking, hmmmmm....

I have been taking a 1000mg gelcap of Organic Flaxseed Oil 2x a day. This got my BP down to around 125/75, which the meds never did. It does'nt make you feel odd and the baby can use the EFA's anyway. Give it a try! It could'nt hurt.

XM

[emmaline]

that's very interesting XM, I never heard of flax seed oil in that context but it is worth a try - I badly want to avoid bp meds

[kazmir]

XM - Thanks for the info on Flax seed. I'm gonna pass it onto my mom, she's dealing with very high blood pressure and I am trying to get her to adjust her diet.

kaje62 - What an ordeal! I'm glad it came out okay and you handled it so well. I don't know what I would have done.

magdala - Thank you for the book referral. Is the author in Sebastopol? I think I read about her recently. I grew up there.

I'm at 8 weeks and feeling pretty good. I have a Dr. appt tomorrow with my Primary Dr. mostly to get a referral to my OB. I not sure what she will want to do tomorrow, my DH isn't coming and I want him there for the first sonagram.

Anyway, hope everyones doing well.

Robin

[XM]

Emmaline, please do try it! I was eating whole-foods on the Brewer diet, so I can't say that diet would have made much difference for me (and I know you are veggie and also eating well now that you're not spewing :D), but man that FSO is something else! It accomplished what the meds could not. I would love to hear from others who try it what kind of results they get. OceanMomma also had some great suggestions on your post about BP in 'I'm Pregnant' that I am going to try myself.

Kazmir~I would think that you won't have any sonograms till you see your OB... in my experience those appointments are seperate from the actual doc appointment but are just scheduled together, KWIM? So if they do mention doing one tomorrow you could probably reschedule it for later when your dh can come and they should be cool about it.

Ooof- I just got kicked again... seems like it was just a few weeks ago that Spawn felt like tiny bubbles, and now the kicks are quite strong and rather well-aimed... I'm gonna be getting my a** kicked here pretty soon! 24 weeks... I can't beleive how fast this is all going and how soon this baby will be here... :eek We are moving to a smaller apartment at the beginning of next month and once we settle in I will be able to start nesting in earnest.

I told my mom, and she is rather excited about the new baby. We have yet to tell Mike's mom though, but she's a nut so I am trying to wait as long as possible to tell her (like, until the baby starts college). I would love *never* telling her but that makes me feel kind of selfish because she really does'nt have much going on in her life and took Xiola's death really hard (which I guess is her excuse for treating us so poorly afterwards). She and I do *not* get along (she blames me for Mike not being in her life as much, nevermind the fact that she *chose* to move 3 hours away) and I would rather never see her again, but it's not like she's not dangerous... just disrespectful , annoying, clingy, selfish, and immature :rolleyes: so I guess it could be worse...

XM

[Eman'smom]

Can I join in?

I took a test this morning and it was positive in 5 seconds seriously. I had a miscarriage just 5 weeks ago, dh and I both agreed to wait a month and then try again. I guess we won't be needed to wait. I'm scared to death, part of me is jumping for joy, but I just can't shake that horrible feeling.

I feel like the miscarriage robbed of the ability to enjoy being pregnant, also both with ds and with the miscarriage I *felt* pregnant very early on, I feel totally fine now, not tired, nauseous nothing, I'm totally freaked out.

We called the midwife and she was full of congrates and calming words, I'm going to go in for a blood test just because both dh and I can't believe it. She said if I ever want one she can schedule an early ultrasound to look for a sac or heartbeat depending on the time. She is really wonderful and when I talk to her I'm calm and reasurred but then I hang up and worry. With Ds we didn't hear the heartbeat until 14 weeks, I can't wait another 9 to get some good news.

I want to enjoy this new life but I'm so afraid it's going to leave me. I like what someone said about just enjoying the time I have with our new baby now.

I'm rambling I'm just not only in shock, so much for being careful but so happy and scared all at the same time.

How do I relax, does it ever get better, I keep thinking if I pass the miscarriage point, but will that be enough?

I'm glad you gals are here, it's nice to have a place where others understand

I'm also feeling very superstitious, with the pregnancy that ended last month I changed my sig right away to announce the news, now I feel like I'll jink it if I do.

[emmaline]

dear eman'smom

congratulations! and I'm very glad you came in to share with us

what you're describing, the joy, the fear , the shock, is so familiar to me, probably anyone coming here to post, so unless we're all weird it must be normal

I was just where you are last October, surprised to be pregnant after another loss, scared to death, took awhile longer to feel the joy, a wild emotional ride, now 16 weeks

you're right about feeling a bit easier once the "critical" time passes by, but many have shared here about feeling robbed of an innocence around pregnancy after experiencing loss, we know that there isn't always a happy ending and have to find ways to manage day by day

one thing that helped me this time was going for an early ultrasound at 8 weeks, seeing and hearing that little heartbeat was so important

sharing with a select few family and close friends who I knew would empathise was also important

and of course coming here to be with people who know exactly what I'm talking about

:hug to you and a gentle pat for your belly (hello baby!)

[Jacque Savageau]

Eman'smom, gentle hugs to you. The comming months will be filled with so many emotions - just like you're describing now. Pregnancy after a loss never easy.

I'm glad you came here to share and hope that you'll get the support you need. Keep yourself hydrated and try to eat healthy and get pleanty of rest. These things will keep you feeling your best and keep your emotions more in-check.

Congratulations to you and your family. I'm sending loving vibes of hope and happiness your way.

emaline, you worded that so beautifully! The emotions shared here are VERY intene. Some people may not understand, or want to gloss over these feelings. But, the fact is, we have them. Talking about them and exploring them helps us understand and better deal with our feelings.

Gentle hugs to all,

Jacque

[seagan]

Hi, everybody! Just wanted to check in and welcome Evan's Mom -- boy, do I know the feelings you describe so well, including the worry about "jinxing" things by doing stuff done during the lost pregnancy. I wrestle with that all the time, down to wondering if I should eat or drink the same things!

I'm at 8 weeks today and increasingly nervous as I near the 9-week mark, which is when I miscarried in the fall. Trying to be optimistic, and to "appreciate" the all-day nausea and late-day fatigue as good signs, but now I'm getting pretty sick of feeling those things, too -- talk about a no-win situation (however temporary!).

I've also been wrestling with this question of whether to ask for an early ultrasound. So many conflicting feelings here. On one hand, I yearn for the reassurance it might offer, and think, why not give that to myself (and DH)? On the other hand, I wonder if it would reassure me that way, and also what about if it brings bad news? Would I rather learn that I've lost this baby that way, and then have to wait for the m/c or decide about a D&C, or would it be better to learn that sad fact through the experience of the miscarriage itself? I'm just not sure.

A part of me says to let it alone, to let nature and my body work their course, to just accept the mystery and open-ended question of how long this pregnancy will last. So far, I'm going with that voice. It comes from a deep place, the same place that helped me accept the essential mystery of the earlier miscarriage (and other difficult mysteries of life, too!).

All that said, I really want to emphasize that this is just what feels right for ME, at this point in my life, for this particular pregnancy. I don't mean to say this is the right course for anyone else, or even for me in all cases -- and I'm not even absolutely certain it's right for me right now!

Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble. I'm doing a lot of that these days, when I'm not pursing my lips from queasiness or falling asleep!

darcy

[Eman'smom]

I went to the midwifes office today, they did a urine test, and just like the one at home, it was positive instantly. She then sent me for blood work, and I'll have a follow-up blood test Monday. I won't know todays result until Monday and it's making me so nervous.

Everyone at the office was congratulating me, the midwife said this is a new pregnancy, so I should enjoy it. I want to but I'm still really freaked out.

In "good" news I feel totally horible today, it's 7 and I'm ready for bed, I think I've eaten mashed potatos and pretzels today. It feels so wrong to feel upset about feeling bad, on the one hand I want to wallow and complain to dh, but on the other I have no right, this baby has managed to stick around 5 weeks (or 3 depending on how you count).

The midwife is willing to do an early ultrasound, I think I'm going to wait until 8-10 weeks, I have a tipped uterus, so seeing earlier would be hard, it took until 14 weeks just to hear ds's heartbeat, and I can't wait that long. I'd love to just "let" this pregnancy happen and enjoy it, maybe in a few months when I can feel the little guy or girl moving it will ease my mind.

Did anyone ever purchas an at home doppler? Did that help with easing your mind, I'm thinking if I heard the heart beat once a week until the movement really kicked in I'd feel better. This is so different than with ds, with him I wasn't intrested in testing not freaked out by not hearing the heartbeat. It's true, even though I'm so grateful to be pregnant I feel robbed of the joy I should be feeling.

[XM]

Eman'sMom... if you only want to hear the heartbeat once a week, maybe you can talk to your midwives about just letting you come in for a quick scan... the home dopplers are about $30 (for no FHT display) to $50 (for digital FHT display) to rent, several hunderd dollars to buy. I would think they would be willing to do that for you... most caretakers understand how pregnancy after a loss can be difficult at times and will try to do what they can to set you at ease.

I agree with all that has been said about losing the 'innocence' you had about pregnancy... however I do want to say to all of you that this pregnancy has been a lot easier then I feared... I am not worrying about this baby like I thought I would, although it is still hard sometimes. It really is a process, and we are shifting toward getting attached to this baby and looking forward to it's arrival.

25 weeks on monday... :eek what is that, 15 weeks to go?? Yikes!

I can't wait till I can nest in earnest after we move... I am itching to go through my stash and get it all ready to go. I am sewing some fleece diaper liners for a mama here who kicked me down an Isis breast pump, and there is another mama who has some newborn diaper wraps for me as well. We have 3 or 4 dozen PF's and soooo much other stuff... oh I cannot wait, my eyes are glazing over just thinking about it!

XM

[Eman'smom]

Yes the midwife would be more than willing to do a listen a week, however she is 80 miles away, and I just don't have the engery to make the journey that often (doing it late in pregnancy is enough)

[XM]

Originally posted by Eman'smom
...the midwife... is 80 miles away...

Hmmm... well I must have missed that part.

XM

[kaje62]

Eman'smom, hang in there and I think it is normal to feel a bit freaked out. Cry if you need to. And remember you can feel happy and sad at the same time.

[Eman'smom]

No you didn't miss it I didn't say anything about the distance the first time.

Today I'm feeling good and relaxed :)
I'm hoping it continues
I wish you all the best for happy healthy pregnancies

[seagan]

Greetings, kind mamas. As I get just days away from the point in this pregnancy where I lost the last one (9 wks, 2 days or so), my anxiety is really rising. Last night my dreams were filled with fear, and even during the day I find myself easily overrun with fearful thoughts that normally I wouldn't give two seconds to (like: what if DS is kidnapped by a sex offender as his daycare provider takes him to the park? I actually went into a near panic attack over this possibility yesterday!).

And then it feels like the nausea is diminishing -- which happened right before my m/c -- is that possible as early as 9 weeks?! I know sometimes women get relief even before the first trimester ends, but this seems early for that. Has anyone ever heard of it, though?

Arrggh, as you can see, I'm in a bit of a tizzy these days. I'm reminded of DS, now 2.5 years, lying down under the dining room table to avoid having his mittens put on and yelling out, "I'm freaking out!" (No idea where he got THAT, of course.)

Hope everyone else is well!

darcy

[emmaline]

((((((darcy))))))

I know how it feels to be so anxious around previous loss times, cautiously examining how you feel and wondering and fearing the worst will happen again

I had a terrible couple of days a while back when I didn't throw up first thing in the morning and had less nausea all day, then it returned with a vengeance, I hope yours does too - or just enough to keep this pregnancy feeling real and safe

take care :hug

[SpiralWoman]

hello all~
haven't been here in a while, so much going on. I'm so glad to hear reports of health from everyone, I am feeling good & baby is jumping & kicking a lot now, still gently, but so surprising! I am 23 wks tommorrow and starting to really experince being pg.

Emmaline, my bp had been up all 2002, esp my lower #, like 137/88. I figured it was from being in the RE's ofc whenever I had it taken & my general stress level being high. But it didn't go down after we got PG, so my MW suggested I cut out spicy foods & take garlic supplements. At my Jan appt it was 118/74, so that is pretty good! Just thought I'd let you know.

Glad you are here Eman'sMom. I was also frustrated @ not being able to "enjoy" my pregnancy the way I thought I should be. But, I was totally conflicted about how I felt, even though I had been begging to get pregnant for so long, actually being pg had me stressed to the max. I did get an U/S @ 8 wks and that was the beginning of convincing myself that this pregnancy is a different experience, not the same as my prev MC. I continued to worry even after the U/S though & didn't settle down much until I did hear the heartbeat @ 14 wks. I don't think I can do anything different or better & I have used as many calming tools as I can: positive visualizations, relaxtion, journaling, talking, etc, & still know that I will feel out of control sometimes. I have tried to be accepting & gentle with myself & even if no one else can understand it, I take the time for myself that I need.

XM, glad things are going so nicely for you @ this point. I admire your ability to stay flexible with yourself, that is so important!

Of course, with every pre-natal appt I feel a burst of excitement, followed by creeping worries, then @ the next appt all is well & I am relieved again. I have recently been having a lot of hormone surges that I just get very tearful during. I have learned that I should not attribute it to stress or worry & try to fix it, but just let it be. We recently had another U/S @ 21 wks just to see baby & make sure all is well & it was very exciting, but not nearly as nice as feeling all these little bumps & bangs inside me!

Just the week before the U/S I was all a wreck, telling myself I must have post-traumatic stress disorder from the infertility, etc. Then I just felt "enough of this" & I reeled myself back in. I decided to make a full committment to my intention that the baby be whole & strong & the pregnancy healthy. Just stating this intention to the universe has proved very helpful to me. Before, I felt I was holding something back. I was protecting myself & wanting proof from the baby to make me feel better. Like "kick me more so I will be less worried." I just didn't feel good about myself. Now I feel more open & accepting of the baby & less needy of reassurance from this little creature that I want to be a provider to. I am accepting that I am the mama & I am the stable, dependable one that the little baby can rely on for comfort. I don't know if it makes any sense, but in my case I feel much better since I have accepted this role & the responsibility & vulnerability that goes with it. I hope that makes sense bcz it is difficult to explain.

Darcy- I am thinking of you! I hope you can take all the time you need for yourself to process whatever fears come up for you & let each day's passing heal them & move them away from you.

I continue to wish everyone health & blessings, Maria

[Jacque Savageau]

SW, I was just thinking about you and here you are! (I'm a mother, I worry).

I can really understand what your saying - it makes perfect sence. I to had years of infertility and lost my first child. When I was pregnant with ds I was terrified, but like you said, there was acceptance that happend. I think the shock wares off and your feelings are allowd to show through.

XM seems to have had a similar experience. I agree her acceptance to go through this with such peace and dignity is amazing :love

I can hear the excitement in your post about the kicks. What a reasuring feeling.

Keep taking care of yourself and feel free to share with us as things move along. Sometimes the fears creep up on us when we least expect it.

Keep us posted.

Gently,

Jacque

[emmaline]

good morning ladies!

it's good to see recent posts from darcy, spiralwoman and eman'smom - like jacque I start to worry when people don't show up occasionally

so I'd love to hear from OceanMomma, Mossback, XM, magdala, and kaje62 - I'll just presume in the menatime that life is busy and babies are ticking away in there :heartbeat

I posted on my "BP" thread about trying flaxseed oil and calcium and magnesium with good and immediate results - bp down to135/80 yesterday, so my catastrophic thoughts are under control for now yay!!! :thumb

this week is shaping up to be "interesting" concerning my other "babies" with ds2 starting school for the first time and ds1 going to a new secondary school - I think I'm way more anxious than they are, but that's another long story

I was reading back thru the earlier parts of this thread - it's wonderful to be able to eat beans and lentils again (still no garlic thankyou!!!) and dh and I shared a bottle of delicious nonalcoholic cabernet sauvignon last night to celebrate our 13th anniversary :love (he also gave me a bunch of purple orchids :love)

off to wake all the menfolks for a busy day - but I'll be thinking about all of you too

e :down

[kaje62]

Seagan how are you doing? I am just noticing you are in MPLS, me too. PM me if you would like to get together or chat.

SpiralWoman, I am so glad you are 21 weeks. You are going to be okay. I relate to your fears and your loss. I hope this does not add to your fear but I just read in my midwifery magazine, (Every Baby) that high doses of garlic, not garlic you eat. And I eat a ton can be harmful to baby. So I would check that out if I were you. I know you have not been doing it for two long so I am sure it is okay so far and trust me. I did a lot of things that I later learned can be harmful.

Hang in there everyone and thanks for asking about me Emmaline.

[XM]

Hi ladies!

This week has really flown... sorry if I have caused worry by not checking in! After having given up hope of finding a FT job, I actually started one last week... temp to perm at a major downtown firm and they have already requested my resume from my agency so that's very good. Like the job I missed out on earlier this month, it's close enough to where we live that Mike can bring Spawn to nurse at lunch, so that's great. So we've had our hands full this week but all is well. Baby is kicking (hard) and I am feeling pretty good myself. That's about it for now....

XM

[magdala]

Hello all- I'm such an unreliable 'poster' -I'll go a couple of days non-stop then not check in for a month!! Sorry if it's worrisome...I'm getting better, it's so nice feeling a responsibility to be present in this new community!;-))
It is wonderful to come back and see everyone here so far (and welcome to you new women!) is still pregnant. It is in my daily meditations that we should all remain that way! (Well, of course not for longer than 9 months!)
I'm coming up on 32 weeks and only just beginning to believe I might be a mommie at last. Bebe's measuring a couple weeks ahead too- it will be nice to complete this waiting period of uncertainty called pregancy, yet I know there is great wisdom in the ability to LET GO of outcome that all of us have had to experience- I know this is a resource that we will all be able to draw upon to make us better mothers.
Maria, your ability to turn all of these fears into strengths is inspiring- what a lovely way to empower yourself and your child!
May there be peace within and without in these crucial transformative times-

[Eman'smom]

Still here :D I'll hit 7 weeks tomorrow, still real early I know, but farther than last time.
I feel terrible, the fatique, food adversion, starvation, bloating, it's all here:) I have a really good feeling about this pregnancy, that said, today I'm having a worry until I'm sick day. I've had two blood tests with great HCG's and I was thinking I wouldn't "need" and ultrasound to calm my nerves, but I don't think that is going to happen, I'm going to try to hold off for a week or two to see if I can relax if not I'll call and get an appointment.

I feel so conflicted, I normally don't like interventions and messing with pregnancy but this time it seems like I want whatever I can get my hands on.

[SpiralWoman]

hi all~
nice to hear everybody feeling good- I have a little request for extra good thoughts/prayers these days- I am going to the MW tommorrow to have my 1 hr Gest. Diabetes screen done. I hope to pass with flying colors! Doing it a couple wks before she normally does bcz my urine had ketones in it 2 wks ago @ my last appt & the next day @ my US. She talked to her consulting doc & he said it could be an early sign of the GD. So I said let's just get it done then.

The MW feels it could just be that I am burning a little fat. I started the prgnancy @ 230 lbs & haven't gained but 2 lbs. I am trying to eat a bit more calories & making sure I am getting all my good stuff in. Read thru some of the Brewer Diet on line & I was not eating nearly that much. Ketones is not something most OBs ofcs look for in the urine, so it might just slip by unremarked in people of my size quite often for all we know.

So, I am not *too* keyed up about it, I am feeling pretty secure these days, but it may be a little of that good old denial working in my favor. Luckily I really enjoy my MW & going to see her is pleasant. It will actually be kind of nice to get an extra listen to the baby's heartbeat!

Here are my favorite affirmations I've been using lately:
Life is abundant.
Life is resilient.
My womb is a healthy place for my baby to grow & be nourished.
I am healthy & strong.

I do have 1 "worry" that pops up a bit, thought I'd mention it & see if anybody has any feedback- it's a bit embarrasing- I have a worry that I am leaking amniotic fluid! I think I'm a bit off the deep end, since all I have to base this on is damp panties @ the end of the day, but it is so differnt from the cervical mucous pattern that I had during my monthly cycle. Nothing thick & no signs of any type of vag infection, just damp to wet unders! Nothing drippy and my MW says all is well, but it's just enough to keep my bust brain busy, KWIM? Kind of embarrasing to be so paraniod! Thought this would be the right place to share it!

Hope everyone is feeling marvelous,
blessings, Maria

[Eman'smom]

Maria, I'll keep positive thoughts for you. Good Luck

[emmaline]

thanks for checking in ladies, good to hear all the latest

ds1 is longing for computer time so I have to be brief!

maria I hope this doesn't sound wacko but - how does the discharge smell?? could it be some leaking pee rather than mucus or amniotic fluid?


back soon...

[magdala]

spiralwoman- I have the same issue! Just got some pantyliners to help- mw says that more discharge (mine's also very fluid!) is totally common and will often increase right up to the due date. It does feel a little weird, though. I'm wondering what the keytones have to do with gest. diabetes - I'm also spilling some and my mw assumed I hadn't been eating enough- but I really think I have!I had said no to a g.d. screen in the past but maybe I should reconsider? Let us know how it turns out - love, jb

[SpiralWoman]

hey- thanks for the nice replies!
Magdala- I've been researching the ketones thing & the best info I've found so far is at plus-size-pregnancy.org, which is a link I got off the "I'm Pregnant" thread. The GD info even has a section specifically on ketones. I think my keytones were from not eating often enough & maybe not enough total calories. I am trying to keep better track of things now. Here's my basic understanding of the ketones-GD connection from what I read @ Plus size pregnancy:
When your cells access fat stores for energy, ketones are produced. You will burn fat for energy in a couple differnt situations: 1) low blood sugar caused by not enough calories, too long between meals, etc or 2) glucose in blood, but not accessible to the cells. It is insulin's job to make the glucose accessible to the cells.
Diabetics don't produce insulin correctly. Insulin is a master hormone that is like a key into the cells. During pregnancy our bodies (specifically the placenta) are producing hormones that inhibit insulin's effectiveness, so it will take more insulin production to regulate the blood glucose.
So, my conclusion is that if I am spilling ketones = burning fat for energy, bcz 1) either I am insulin resistant (eating plenty but blood glucose not available to cells) or 2) not eating enough/ often enough. With no excess sugar spilling in the urine, I would rather hope that I just wasn't eating enough @ the time of my last pee test. I have also recently thought that after all I learned while dealing with infertility treatments & now this, that I really missed my calling as an Endocrinologist, what do you think?:wink

Anyway, I will let you all know what the professionals have to say about it. I have been a little conflicted about doing the GD screen, but I'm sort of an info junkie so I figure the more data I have the better. I also read a good article by Henci Goer about why the whole GD testing thing is kind of crazy, it was very interesting. I am not sure what to expect from the screen results, but i am hoping that a "passing grade" will dismiss the whole issue. In the meantime, I am going to talk to MW about monitoring ketones @ home to help me make sure I am getting enough calories, etc. I had thought I was doing so good by NOT gaining any weight, but now I may need to rethink that policy to ensure I am getting in what baby needs!

Re: the damp panties, I do leak a little urine during some sneezes, etc, but that is pretty noticible. This other discharge is much more subtle, can't feel it happening, but very fluid. The actual volume must be negligible. My reasonable self knows I have nothing to worry about, thanks for the feedback!

blessings, Maria

[kaje62]

okay my undies don't get damp but I know I have more wetness than I did with Charlie