Working Mothers

[rockergirrl]

I am a mother to a 14 month old and I work part time. I breastfeed and practice AP. I love Mothering magazine and the discussion boards on the website. Despite wishing I could stay home full time right now it is just not my reality. I would love to rant and rave with other working mothers about the challenges we face with child care issues, work/family balance, guilt etc.

So my first issue is with my day care center. My son just transfered up to the toddler room and I have been having so many issues since his move. The caregivers have not been giving him the food I send him with every day. I mean come on - It is bad enough to have to put him in day care I only hope that he gets love and good food while he is there. The other issue is that he has gotten bitten three times the past three weeks. I am not angry with the child or the parents. In fact I fully support keeping this child there and working with them. It makes me sad to see my child get hurt. I think this issue is a reminder for me that I do not feel good about having him in daycare and it makes me feel a bit guilty that he is there getting hurt.

So there are my two issues of the week. I would love to hear back from anyone who can relate or maybe has their own issues they are struggling with. I don't think I am the only working mom on these message boards and I would love to hear from more.

[MamaSoleil]

Hi! NO, you are not the only working mom...I'm at work right now!;)
I struggled with childcare, until quite recently...I've only been working since January...and have gone thru 3 different day cares, before settling on a private child care giver, she sometimes has another little boy, but mostly, it's just her and Soleil.
Personally, I like this, because Soleil has a home away from home, they do errands together, bake together, play together, they go to the toy library...it's only a couple of dollars extra/day too.
It was really difficult for me, but I now feel really good about it, especially when Soleil told me about the baking...cause I'm not a baking kind of person...and they also make their own playdoh every couple of days...
Oh, and this woman has 3 daughters, 7, 9, 11, they come home at 315 from school, and Soleil LOVES older kids, so she's in heaven...
Alright...I would definitely say something about the food...the only thing, is, they may have difficulty with that if the other toddlers want the same food too...
And as far as the biting thing, I would just ask how the situation in handled...
It is really hard to feel comfortable with someone else caring for your child, and My advice to you, is if you're not comfortable, then keep looking...
Peace.,

mamasoleil

[somemama]

I'm a working (outside the home) mom, too! I'll post more later.

[indiegirl]

Another working mama.

What I want to know is: will the guilt ever go away??? I find myself feeling guilty every single day for taking V to daycare--even though we have found a great place and she LOVES it.

My other concern is that after giving of myself all day to my students, I often find I have a hard time having enough energy for Violet--I am also 31 weeks pregnant so I'm *sure* that has something to do with it. Even though I am very happy to see her, sometimes the nights drag on because I am so tired. Dh is in a show right now, so I am on my own.

As far as the food is concerned: either they don't know how important it is to you or there is some problem with having it around the other kids (I am assuming that the daycare provides food and you don't want him eating it). In either case, they need to know how you feel. Perhaps it is as simple as a misunderstanding.

As for the biting: I really admire your take on the whole thing--ie, the biter and family are not terrible people and the biter should stay in the daycare. My dd was a terrible biter. It is a hard thing for all involved. At Violets old daycare (she's on her second after being expelled for biting at the other one), they lead me to believe that all of the parents were pissed at me and Violet--which wasn't the case. They didn't deal with it well at all and I left feeling so terrible. Perhaps a talk with the parents of the biter would help you both. It must be hard to be in your shoes.

Unfortunately, nothing we tried really worked. DD just had to grow out of it.

Any ideas on what we should do for V's daycare provider?

Anyone want to share how much they pay for daycare? I can't believe how much it is a month. Dh is quitting his job and becoming a bartender after Zoe is born because it does not make financial sense to have them both in daycare full time. I am so excited for him to be a SAHD!!

[MamaSoleil]

I pay 33$/day...luckily, we don't always need outside help, as dh goes thru spells where he is at home (he's a carpenter, and there isn't much going on right now)...I almost want to tell him to permenantly stay home...cause I make more money...but then I'm scared I would resent him!!!:rolleyes:

Indiegirl, I'm newly pg, the tiredness hasn't fully kicked in yet...but I hear what you are saying...My job is shift work, I get it all over with in 4 days, then I have 4 days off...I love this schedule, I'm going to attempt to homeschool too...

[ufogirl]

Hi everyone ~

I feel fortunate to have been a sahm for about 14 months, and I wish I could still, but as I am sure you all know the need for a supplemental income made it kind of necessary to work.. :(
I do feel lucky that we don't have to send Phineas to daycare, or a sitter's (That would take all of my income anyway, thus defeating the purpose!).. dh works days, and I work evenings, so usually about a half hour after he gets home I am out the door.. This does make me sad though too, because we rarely get any family time. :crying
I think that this works best for us though, because I like it that Phineas is always with one of us. I have noticed that since I started working they have bonded a lot more, which is great to see! :D It is so nice to call home when I am at work and hear all the fun things they are doing together! Makes me wish I was there though..
I have been working more hours lately because of Christmas time (I work at a discount retail store) and I am hoping to go back to just 4 days a week or so after the holidays..
We are going to homeschool too. I am hoping sometime in the near-ish future to go to school myself for computer programming and/or web design so eventually I can earn an income from (or mostly from) home.

rockergirrl ~ I have no advice, but I really hope you are able to get something worked out with your daycare center, that must be such a tough situation for you, I can't imagine.. (((hugs for you)))
:hug

[Corriander]

Hi!

It's nice to see this thread. I also work parttime and I have to confess that I have NEVER felt guilty about it! My first child was happiest being held, 24 hours a day, which I was happy to do. But after a few weeks I felt like a symbiont more than a parent. I was lucky to find a reasonably priced daycare with an older woman who was happy to hold Claudia all morning. So I knew she was getting the care she needed and I got to go to the bathroom by myself.

I now have 2 kids and since September work at their pre-school. I am very happy with this situation because my kids' tuition is free, I have many social outlets with other teachers, my kids' love their school, and I get to drop in on their classes often to check in with them - something I could never do at my old job, even though I only worked 4 blocks away from the school before.

rockergirrl:
About the bitting... my son has several times bitten others - so embarrassing - and the way that it was eventually nipped in the bud was that the teachers watched him like a hawk to see what was triggering the behaviour. I don't want to knock your daycare (or make you feel more guilt over it), but if your child is still being bitten then the caregivers may not be watching close enough.

And I would definately find out what's up with the food situation. Maybe you could ask how to make it more convenient for to remember your son's food.

[indiegirl]

Originally posted by Corriander
About the bitting... my son has several times bitten others - so embarrassing - and the way that it was eventually nipped in the bud was that the teachers watched him like a hawk to see what was triggering the behaviour. I don't want to knock your daycare (or make you feel more guilt over it), but if your child is still being bitten then the caregivers may not be watching close enough.


ITA. With Violet's old daycare, there were only four kids on her side (the toddler side). The daycare is privately run but is on the grounds of the high school where I teach. Even with four kids, the teacher said she couldn't do anything to stop V's biting--and this was with three assistants so the kids were one-on-one most of the time. I didn't buy it and pulled V when she got a two-week warning. I think V was biting cause she disliked the woman and never really bonded with her--and didn't like the environment. This was her way of telling me.

BTW, the biting stopped right away after pulling her from daycare. We didn't put her into another daycare for several months, but she was around lots of other kids and her cousins and didn't try to bite them at all.

and I wanted to answer my own question: we pay $28 a day. I can't believe how expensive good care is. I don't mind paying it with just one kid, but there is no way we could afford sending two kids there. It would be over $1000 a month.

[somemama]

Should we lobby for a "Working Mother" board?

I hear ya' on the guilt and on being tired!!

[mamarosa]

Do those of you that work ever feel like you are missing out on your kids growing up? I was at home w/ ds for a full year, doing nothing but parenting. Then I started taking one University class per semester. Gradually I filled up more and more time with various projects. But with dd, just three weeks old, I've already taken her to three meetings of the campus community radio station of which I'm President of the BOD. Part of me is considering taking on a management position instead, which would take even more time. I could bring my daughter, but then, do I really want her crawling around the grubby radio station while I work? And will I be too distracted to really be there for her? As the position is volunteer, I sometimes think I'm crazy to bother. But then another part of me sees the work needing doing and feels obligated. Plus it would be great experience.
I do plan on having a career other than parenting one day.

I guess as I probably won't have any more kids, I sometimes feel like dd will grow up so fast and I'll never experience baby again. I get all sentimental and want to put my life on hold to just stare into her face. :love But then another part of me is just moving forward with things I started before she was born.

hmmm... life.

[indiegirl]

Originally posted by mamajulie
Should we lobby for a "Working Mother" board?

I hear ya' on the guilt and on being tired!!

YES YES YES. But if we do that, we should also lobby for a SAHM board so that no one can claim we are exclusive.

[Maribel]

Originally posted by indiegirl


YES YES YES. But if we do that, we should also lobby for a SAHM board so that no one can claim we are exclusive.
I second!

Another working mom here. I'm lucky enough to have a huge family, so daycare has never been an issue for us. We are often watching each other's kids. Right now my sister in law is watching my son. Luckily, she's somewhat AP, but doesn't really know it. She's always apologizing for "holding" my son too much!

As far as the biting....I agree with everyone here, there should be something triggering the biting. A closer look is definately in order. My nephew was a biter and my SIL nipped it right away by observing he was jealous of the new kids in the home. She did what she needed to reassure him and it stopped. Another one of my nieces was a biter and when she went to my SIL's for daycare, she addressed it with her mom as trying to find out what would trigger it. As it was, the mom was scolding my niece and that made her always defensive. SIL helped out mom to gently talk to toddler rather than scold and all was fixed.

Food.....either she provides sufficient food, or she gives yours. I'm not sure what up here, but definately an issue I'd address. From what SIL tells me, she has to follow a guide of what to serve her kids.....like healthy snacks, a balanced meal, etc. Not sure if this is because she's licensed. Is yours? Even if she weren't, she needs to feed the child. I have strict guidelines for SIL on what to give DS, and she follows them. She's not doing it just because she's my SIL because I've seen her do it for other kids she's watched and are not family.

[comet]

Me, too. Will write more later.

[busybusymomma]

I work part-time too. I have to say I would have never returned to work if she didn't stay with my mom. I just couldn't handle the added stress of worrying about daycare.

I am tired when I get off work. My job requires a lot of standing and moving around and by day's end I'm bushed... then I have to make dinner and spend time with dh (who is on third shift) and dd.

I'll be a sahm after March I hope... for now I just do the best I can. My job is for financial reasons, not a career! :rolleyes:

[Indigomama]

I totally relate! First the guilt is absolutely horrible. The funny thing is I run to work, and then absolutely sprint to pick the munchkin up. I've been at home (went absolutely crazy), worked part time (went absolutely crazy), full time (went absolutely crazy), and now am part time at work/part time at home (and still going crazy). And it's so unfair that dh feels guilty about having ds in day care, but he's not feeling guilty that he's working. He feels guilty cause I'm working. ARGHHGHHGHGH!!!!(*&(%F*%(*&)(


It's hard to balance what you think is the best for your family, yourself, and your child. Sometimes they don't always agree.

Can I just ask where those who get good home care actually find providers? I've looked so hard, it makes me exhausted just thinking about it. I have ds in a day care, and while I'm fairly happy with the care he receives, I would prefer him to be in a more low key home.

We actually went through a whole biting fiasco about two months ago at ds's day care. It was horrible. In two weeks, ds was bitten six times!!!! Thankfully, they addressed it, as it had obviously gotten way out of control. It's a tricky issue as it's not always possible to prevent a child from biting another child. However, there are things they can do to help like minimizing free play time, keeping the kids broken up into smaller groups with more one on one activities, maybe new toys in the room. It was really simple things ( as well as other individual items with the biters) my day care did that really helped just break up the whole pattern. I'd be sure to express your concern and talk to them about what they think may be precipitating this or what they're going to do to address it.

And the whole food thing: Honestly that would really steam me, but make sure you're really clear about what you want. I know I was caught in that as I can be pretty mousy sometimes, and it wasn't clear to the providers; hence Max was served food/drink I didn't want him to have. They should however, be the UTMOST respectful of your choices.
If it's an issue of your ds wanting what everybody else has, maybe just try mimicking their menu with more wholesome alternatives? I know we had some of these issues with ds, as he wants what everybody else wants. He's done this from day 1.. never ate "baby food." Don't know why I thought it'd be any different in day care. He's only 2 and the effects of Peer pressure... YIKES!

Also, if you don't think the transition is going smoothly, maybe he's not ready to move to the toddler room? They often transition kids based more on availability, so don't be afraid to speak up.

There are just so many issues I now want to start spewing on... we definitely need a board!

[ebaby]

Wow! I can't believe I stumbled onto this post. I am a working momma of one ds! He is exclusively bfing. (No bottles ever)
I am blessed enough to be able to leave work and go to nurse on my full days now @ 3 times and in my half days (3.5 hrs) I nurse just as I leave him and as soon as I get home. I could not do it if wasn't for my husband and a great sitter/in home day care provider. She has 3 of her own (10weeks, 2 yrs, 3+yrs) and one other 4 yr old girl. Plus a drop in or two once or twice a week. She is really good. THe older 3-4yr olds do crafts, play outide when it is not freezing, and they all read books several times per day. NO TV. Nap times are different and it is not all that uncommon for her to be rocking and snuggling my little guy when I run up to nurse.
We had a curve ball a few weeks ago though. My dh got laid off. We could not pull baby completely from day care because we would lose our spot and when he goes back to work we would be out of luck. But she is willing to work with us. So we are going half time with her. She just had a vacation Thanksgiving plus one week and ds and dh hung out the entire time. It was so nice to run home from the office to my own house and nurse and snack and throw in a load of laundry etc. I felt connected to my home like I haven't felt since I went back to work. I was amazed at how well baby and Daddy did together. Prior I have always been the primary parent. He nurses, I sling him etc. It has also helped pass this time for dh. He really likes to work and needs to for lots of reasons. Hopefully he will find something after Jan 1.

I think you just have to be very specific with your provider. What is OK and what is not. This is your child afterall. If they don't want to play by your rules look elsewhere. How about someone in your church? or Moms group?

Either waay good luck!

K: BabyE's Momma

[onehipmomma]

I just posted a big huge reply, and it got lost. I hate that :(

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I would love to see a working moms board here. I think that it is needed as working and practicing AP present a unique set of challenges.

:hippie Christina

[HollyBearsMom]

So great to see this post!!

I am a fulltime WOHM and I can relate to all you. The guilt, the constant second-guessing myself (Am I doing the right thing? Should we completely trade down on everything so I can stay at home? Is it better to have to work and be close to family or to move to a cheaper area and be far away?). However a big piece of me loves my job, feels what I am gaining personally from it will only benefit my son and my husband...

We have a lovely woman who comes to our home everyday. She is in her late 50's, was with one family for 10 years and another for 5. She still is in contact with those children (now all pre teen and teenagers) and they write her and send her cards. She also has 1 grandchild and 2 more on the way. She is extremely nurturing and very "AP" in her own way. We pay her $12 hour plus 2 weeks paid vacation, 8 paid sick days and all major holidays. We also paid for her CPR re-certification and last year a big bonus plus she’ll get another this year-end.

We went thru an agency. I interviewed about 5 women. My nanny was the first I interviewed and I just knew she was right. But I still went ahead and interviewed them all just to be sure. The thing I loved best about the agency was they did all the background checks. I still followed up on all her references but it was so much easier than having to do the criminal, driving, and financial checks myself.

What I love the most about having someone in our home is that our son is completely on his own schedule. I never have to wake him up early or rush around getting breakfast and things organized. There is no long drive home with a tired and hungry child. When I get home it is just bonding time. I control the food he eats which is especially important to me. He gets total one on one attention and that was great when he was just a wee one! Of course there is also the huge benefit of his rarely being sick. Of course that will change once he get to school!

The thing I like least about it is the lack of real social interaction. He doesn't have a lot of "friends" and the only play groups in my area are organized by SAHM's who are not receptive to having an non-parent take part. I live in an area of predominantly SAHM's. And frankly we can't afford gymboree, etc on top of our nanny. While my nanny is very nurturing she is not the type to get down and rollaround on the floor with him! We are trying to find enough WOHM’s in our area who would be willing to have a Saturday playgroup, so far I have only one within a 15 mile radius. Or find a way to balance our finances so we could afford a paid one like gymboree, tumbletots or kindermusic once a week.

Wow! I didn’t mean to jabber on like this! I would love to see SAHM and WOHM sections on the boards. My only reservations would be the perpetuation of the “Mommy Wars”. I have all ready seen a lot of that on these boards and it really makes me upset and sad. As every child is different so is every family situation and I hate to see people pass judgement one way or another.

[Lucky Charm]

I would love to see a "working Mom's" board!

So often a WOHM/WAHM posts a concern for other working moms to offer advice, and the SAHM's put there own thoughts in and often times makes the WOHM/WAHM feel guilty with their bashing *you cant be AP, you work! *. mothers have enough to deal with without the added bull. Staying at home doesnt make you a better mother, and neither does working. either you are good, or you arent. my sister in law has been home for 16 yrs, and both her kids are total mental midgets, my niece being a little sleeze and smokes heroin, and my nephew being a complete emotional and intellectual midget. she is a perfect example of what not to do. and yet, i have seen examples on the other side...WOHM kids who are left to their own devices, sometimes only find disaster.

I work parttime out of the home as an ER nurse. i love it, and i dont feel guilty for a second. i often work at night when everyone is asleep, and am home and available all day to my three kids. i sleep when my little guy is in nursery school, or when my teenager comes home from school, i rest. About the guilt, i dont think there is a mom alive that hasnt felt that way, be it SAHM or WOHM. i think it comes with the territory. Alot of it, i feel, is felt because of conflicting and ambivalent feelings. meaning, if you really want to be at home and cant, you feel guilty, if you are at home and want to work, you might feel guilty. if you are *happy* with either choice you might feel guilty!

I had a biting incident when my middle chilkd was at great grandmas. my cousins little girl was terribly jealous of my infant son, and would bite him visciously. i wanted to kill her. here he was in his little seat, minding his own business, and my cousins 2 year old would bite him all over his neck and chest, drawing blood. i finally called my cousin and told her. it was tense, but i couldnt allow it to happen. my poor grandma, who was never without my babe in her arms felt awful. my cousins child also had a specch delay, i fell adding to her frustration. it finally stopped, but man, was i pissed. i wouldnt be as graceful as you!!

right now, i am not using childcare. i do not count the 2 1/2 hrs 3x a week as daycare. 4 years ago when the sh*t hit the fan for us financially, we used child care 2 days a week, every other week, for a toltal of 4 days a month. it cost me $80 per day. But tis woman was amazing, onky had my child, her 4 year old and another toddler. she always had nicholas in her arms, adn even used a sling! i loved her so, and i slept peacefully for the 5 hours baby nick was in her care. ultimately, we sold our too expensive home, and moved to CO where i didnt have to work nearly as much. i am now in school full time (one night a week) with the hopes of becoming a Family Nurse Practitioner (FNP).

any time you want to vent, go ahead! i am here along with all the other devoted, loving and thoughtful working moms!!!

:coffee

[gretasmommy]

What a great thread! I'd love to see a working mom's board!
I work outside of the home full time (4 days per week, approx 12 hrs per day), and I both love it and hate it. I, too, feel a bit guilty about my time away from dd, although I know my career helps to make me a better person. It's really all about finding a balance. We are fortunate that we have family locally to care for dd while dh and I are both at work. When we were planning our family, we approached my sister about taking care of our child-to-be and offered to pay her what she was taking home at the time. This has worked out well for us. We thought about daycare but our schedules would have made it difficult to have found one flexible enough. DD also gets to spend most of her time in her own home, sleeps in her own crib, and plays with her own toys while we are not with her . . . this does help to lessen the guilt I feel a bit. I have found that the best solutions to the daycare dilemma, outside of family care, are the in-home daycares. Most towns have childcare agencies that have lists of all of the registered in-home daycares. Good luck!
Andrea
mommy to Greta 3-14-02

[Indigo73]

I was quickly reading through the posts and noticed that there was another Mom out there with a hubby that stays home often with the kiddo.

I have a wonderfully flexible job and actually took my ds to work with me for a while (6 months or so), but once he got more vocal and squirmy we started looking into daycare options in the area. Once we finally found one that clicked, my husband lost his job. After the intial angst, my husband and I sat down and ripped our budget apart again. He wanted to stay home with Ryne. That was 3 months ago.

Although he is job hunting again, as we just fell into a new house, he is determined to work 2nd or 3rd shift so that he can still spend his day with Ryne.

Ask you hubby what he wants, you may be surprised and he might just want to stay home. :thumb

[mac's mom]

I work FT. I'm (finally) ok with my 3.5 year old going to daycare 3 days /week, but it's hard to be away from my one year old. My husband works pt an evening shift, so we do the switch-a-roo like lots of you.

I do get resentful that he has more time with the kids, but it's what we've got to do. I make more $$$ so it just makes sense. Luckily, the baby was able to come to work with me until she was about 6 mos and now dh brings her here to nurse 1 or 2/day. We, too are struggling with the "where to live" question. Right now, we live very close, but it's very expensive. We're thinking about moving this summer--to someplace less expensive, but farther away--so no more day nursing. Any insights about the tradeoffs?

On the daycare question...it is so hard. We have a wonderful, wonderful place for Mac. It's one woman in her home with 4 toddlers. She feeds them veggie organic foods, no TV, outside everyday, crafts, lots of imaginative play, etc.... We absolutely couldn't ask for anything more--and it's still hard to drive away from there. That's just what being a mother is about, I think.

I think it's so very important to find a place/person you feel comfortable with. There was a short time when I didn't like the care situation for Mac and it made it all sooooo much worse! I figured that if I didn't like it, he probably didn't like it--so got him out ASAP! We were all much better off. It really is a matter of respecting yourself and your instincts about what's right for your child and your family!

Working...I do feel guilty sometimes. But, my children need food and clothing, etc. and I'm best equipped to provide that for them. I'm also teh best equipped to provide breastmilk and nurturing (my dh might take exception to that but I do beleive it). I try to beleive that I'm fortunate to have so many capabilities!!! I juggle them all as best I can and know that my children are cared for in many ways.

[Starfire]

I love being the working parent! My ds is now 6 and goes to kindergarten full-time so full-time daycare is not an issue right now, or at least till summer. But I am due in April with #2 and my Dp will stay home with it (not sure if boy or girl) He did the daycare last summer for my ds and saved tons of money!

I am trying to get him to back to school for the next four years, cause then we would not have to worry about summer care. With three kids (my ds, his dd (who he just got custody of), and the new one) day care a week is almost $500. I told him unless he got a great job, that pays more than that after taxes, it doesn't make sense to work full time, just get seasonal work for winter or go to school.

I think he likes the fact of me telling him not to work, but we also do not watch TV in my house, we have one to watch movies on if kids are good, but no TV watching. i love it though it makes him take the kids out and about, and he normally takes the school release days off to take the kids to the zoo, library, coffee houses. We also found a stay at home dads gathering, but he was to shy to talk to them.

We'll see in April hoe things pan out. DP is working 3/4 time now to save for the new baby, and if for some reason he keeps this job I know I can bring baby onto work for the first 6-9 months. There is only four of us in the office/company. But I can't think of leaving it with some one I do not know!!

With my ds I stayed home for a year, went to school and my mom brought him every day to nurse at lunch, and then when I worked days my sister worked nights, and we nursed each others kids. Now she lives three hours away, and my mom is to craby because she takes care of my yonger sis's kids (who doesn't work, doesn't attend school, and thinks my mom is so unfair to charge her rent) Ok sorry for the long vent.

I love reading others stories. Shows I am not the only one out there who works, and not nessesarly does it because we have to, but some us do enjoy the time away.

[StillForest]

I'm working/doing grad school about 30 hours a week. I was in the middle of my program when I got pg and cannot drop out/take time out at this point. I do love the work that I do--but would also love to be a SAHM. The guilt is just awful! I feel so torn and am always trying to give DD as much of a SAHM experience as I possibly can.

I actually have an exceptionally good situation. My MIL does childcare for DD and two other boys who are close to her age. DD loves the two boys---all of their faces light up when she arrives. My major challenge is difficult communication with MIL, who doesn't speak English. My Chinese isn't great. But I'm thrilled that DD is being raised bilingual... I don't always agree with MIL and her approaches to discipline etc... but she adores DD and generally seems to be very good with the children. But I so want to be home with DD...

I too would love a board for WOHM's! Unfortunately have to get back to work. More later! Thanks for starting this thread.

[mammastar]

Right now, I'm a full-time law student. I had dd the first day of my second year (3 year program) and kept going at a 60% courseload, worked full-time this past summer, and am back up to 100% courses again. This has been the hardest semester so far in terms of workload, and I'm so glad it's almost over! (One more exam and one paper to go! Woohoo!)

Dh has stayed home with dd from the start: I'm so blessed in that way. He was laid off when I was 9 mos pg, and decided to take a parental leave. If you qualify for employment insurance in Canada, dads can take it for the full 12 months if mom doesn't qualify, or else mom and dad can share it. I didn't qualify for a paid mat leave, as a student, so he still got cheques for a year, caring for babelet! Fairly early on, we had an epiphany and realized how much better we would both feel (and babelet too) if we just continued to prioritize dh being in the home while she was young, even after the benefits ran out. He's great at it, and I can see how much she gets out of it.

When I was pg, we looked at some daycares and I had her waitlisted at the ones I liked (I was only about 4 mos pg, but I was thinking ahead!). They were all group care spots, and now I actually think that if I were to need full-time daycare, I would prefer more of a 'home' situation, where she can be baking, going to the library and the grocery store. She really loves being out and about, so I don't think just being in the 'baby room' or the 'toddler room' all day in group care would suit her. Originally I had not even considered a home daycare, having experienced the really lousy one that my younger step-daughter's mom stuck her in (sedentary care provider who rarely got out of her lazyboy in front of a giant tv, hot dogs and grilled cheese all round, and one kid she hated who spent every day in the playpen: no wonder I thought home daycares were horrible! ) If we ever do part-time care, I would consider a group atmosphere though, because she's also very social.

So far as a student I've been lucky since I've been able to spend lots of time with dd, be home daytimes sometimes etc. Next September, I start 'real' work full-time, and we're moving to a new city, so I'm very apprehensive. I hope I still get to spend time with my beautiful girl! What do you working mommies do to spend time with your little ones?

Sorry for the length...

[Hannah]

Me too!
I did everything I could to keep dd with me the first year of her life, including bringing her to work with me and running a small home childcare. Now I work part-time while she stays at her grandma's. Grandma also takes care of a couple of other kids. We only have to pay 30 bucks a week for 20 hours, then I work 8 hours on Sat and dd stays w/DH.
I have a suggestion for you concerning childcare. In my opinion in home care can be the best. If you find a good mom your baby will get one on one care, especially the nice grandmotherly types. They will also remember to carry out your requests. You may want to look for a home daycare with a small number of children.

[MamaSoleil]

I think a WOHM would be a great thing to have...any issues that come up could go in there!!!

:thumb

[indiegirl]

Ok, I just posted a message on the Questions and Suggestions board and posted a link to this thread.

Let's see what happens!

[*~*SewHappyNow*~*]

As it is this is really the only way that makes sense for us. The amount of money I can bring home in 30 hours a week while still keeping my benefits is far greater than anything my DH could earn full time if I stayed home. Hopefully I will only have to work 3 days a week, which will be great. Dh has always been the more domesticly oriented of us. He cooks, cleans, laundry, you name it. Of course when dd is here and I work less, I hope to share the responsibilites as evenly as possible.

We don't want our child to have to go to day care for at least the first year of her life and DH seems to think this is a fine arrangment. When dd gets to be 1 or 2 years old perhaps DH will go back to school and use the daycare there. My mother has also offered to quit her part time job and take care of dd. I hate to see her do that, because she loves her job, but I can tell she wouldn't miss it too much (she's so thrilled to be a grandmother, which was something she never even told me she wanted to be). I'm so grateful to have such supportive people in my family :throb

[Cynthia Mosher]

Someone else beat you to the request and as I told her - start a thread and prove it's need by keeping it active on the forum. The thread has been started. So keep it active! :D

[MamaSoleil]

Where is the forum??? I can't find it, or am I blind???:confused:

[*~*SewHappyNow*~*]

Cynthia means keep this thread active on this forum, I think, and we may get our own forum. That's how I understood it.

[MamaSoleil]

oh :blush

[riot718]

so THIS is where all the WOHM-SAHDs are. WOW.

i have been lurking since before my now 5 month old was born (on and off). i will go do a proper introduction in a few minutes but wanted to say hello since this is a topic near and dear to my heart.

i work full time outside the home. i went back to work when the baby was 11 weeks old (i am a pumping machine and generally get as much pride out of 8 ounces). i don't consider us AP parents necessarily but we do what's right for our baby - much of which happens to fit that philosophy.

my husband was laid off when i got pregnant. he looked for work for a while and then took consulting gigs. about 2 months before dd arrived, he stopped looking because we looked at finances, emotional abilities, and our individual strengths and weaknesses and determined that i would stay at work and he would stay at home. he is now home with her all day. starting 1/11, he will be teaching classes at night.

i am a BIG proponent of flexibility in determining parenting roles and if one person is going to be the primary caregiver, that it be determined by each's abilities.

i will probably post a bit more now. just wanted to jump in on this because i was so pleased to see other moms in my situation. it has been tough - with the ideas we have, many moms tell me i can't work and parent the way i want to, and everyone else assumes that dads can't be wonderful AP child raising geniuses...

thank you so much for starting this!!! :thumb

[somemama]

I work FT--I would love to be able to work PT!

I pump at work and actually read Mothering while I do--it helps me transition to thinking about parenting!

[indiegirl]

So after my maternity leave, dh will be staying home with both kids all day. I know he is prone to laziness when at home (geesh, so am I) and I want to help him make the transition from working full time to sah full time a good one--

Anyone want to talk about how their dh's handled this and share ideas for fun things with toddlers and newborns. Also, how do I bring up the topic of "now-that-you-are-home-full-time-can-you-keep-the-house-clean"

[nuggetsmom]

HI

I aven't read all the posts because I too am at work and I need to get to it. Good Grief, the guilt! It is terrible. What is worse is that I feel guilty for being tired and needing a little time for myself. GO figure, I give 24/7 and I feel bad if I need to take a 30 minute break.....
And the daycare costs are skyhigh around here. We pay $950 a month, but the big daycare centers charge $1500! Of course they have to live here too, but it is depressing. ANd the guilt that I just don't see myself as a SAHM. I don't think I actually can do. Or what if I lose my patience, I lose sleep over it, becuase I should be more patient when I am with DD.
I don't feel too guilty when I drop DD off, becuase she is greeted with hugs and kisses and doesn't even look back at me. SHe runs inside and is ready to play! Happy to see me at the end of the day, so that makes me happy too. It's not as if she would rather live at the daycare (I don't think so anyway)
OK, work

The only negative of a working mothers board would be that it would be another board that I would read while not working...
:)

[Starfire]

Originally posted by indiegirl
Also, how do I bring up the topic of "now-that-you-are-home-full-time-can-you-keep-the-house-clean"

For me I said just that. You are home full time so you need to help out more, a lot more! A month went by and nothing changed, so we sat down and had a talk about how unfair it is that I work full time and pay all the bills, and feed everyone, and....

So after two weeks and still nothing got done, I went on strike! I didn't cook, I didn't clean, I didn't give spending money for their outings, Nothing! That lasted three days and I came home to a cleaner house than ever! Now all I do is cook, because DP has no clue how.

But he works part-time till baby comes, our other kids are in school full time till summer, and we sit and talk on how hard it is going to be for him to clean and care for a newborn. And I just reasure him that if a mom can do it so can he. We have also found two stay at home dad groups, and have been looking up play groups for him to check out! :D

[somemama]

Well, my dh isn't home full-time, but we usually work opposite shifts, so he's often home when I'm not.

If I tell him he "should" clean, then he gets really upset about that.

But if I approach it as, "I really need your help keeping things clean....." then he's much more willing to accept that and actually do things!

I also have to ask for specifics, "Could you please vacuum today while I'm gone? That would really help me out."

And things don't get done as much as either of us would like. Oh well.

[riot718]

I ask for specifics too. I have a long commute and take the baby as soon as I get home so he gets time to do stuff alone. I think it's only fair. If I were staying at home, I would make sure the baby didn't crawl through filth, he should too...

I also try and phrase it in the best interest of the baby and really only focus on the things that directly effect her. Like. "Now that she's nearly crawling, we've got to make sure we're getting all the cat hair up off the rugs and out of the corners." and "Gee, that tower of magazines is sure to fall on her head once she can pull herself up to the table..."

Passive I guess, but it works better than saying "I wish you would clean better..."

[onediaperinmama]

oops, sorry... post-post remorse :crying

[racermom]

Great thread. I am surprised to find all these working moms here because sometimes it seems that most of the moms here are SAHMs which can really make you feel bad. I work three days a week from 8.00 - 4.00 pm and I love my job. I wouldn't go so far saying it turns me into a better person but I feel definitely more well-balanced than I did when I was not working. Somebody said it before that there is no right and wrong and as every child is different so is every family. I think with the lacking support for families in this country mothers will have to face the dilemma of SAHM or being at work and not there for your child. After my ds was born I went back to work full time and dh, than still in school, took care of ds which also made me feel bad. I wanted to be there for him but unfortunately I was the money maker. 3 years later I decided that I wanted to spend more time with my kids and I worked hard to create a part-time position for me. I found a good day care place for my daughter. They fed her the milk I pumped and feed only organic food to the children. Dh and I feel both good about the place and dd seems happy too. I think it is really important to feel GOOD about the place. It's a long day for the kids and you want them to be in good care. As for the biting I wouldn't be so patient. If this would continue I guess I would ask to expel the biter or I would find another place for my child. We pay $1600 for 2 children. I know it's outragous!

[rockergirrl]

Wow I am so excited to see all the replies this thread is getting. I had put in a request for a forum on this topic and was told to start a thread first to see how active it would become. Thanks for all the posts. Let's try to keep this going.

to answer an earlier question - I pay $45 a day. SO expensive. I don't know how we afford it.

It makes me feel so much better to hear from everyone who can relate to what I am going through. I also think it is wonderful to hear from the working moms who DO like to work. There is nothing wrong with that at all and they should not be made to feel guilty either. I think sometimes it is expected that only SAHMs can be the best parents. Good parents come in all shapes, sizes and working situations. Since this website and magazine is about Mothering - I say we honor them all.


Out of all the jobs I have ever had being a parent is the hardest and best. I get so sick of my coworkers who call me a slacker and say I have two days off a week. HUH! They don't have children of course and I tell them that it is much easier to be in our office sitting at a computer all day than it is to be chasing my toddler around all day long. I tell them "at least you can go to the bathroom by yourself and take a lunch break by yourself" The company I work for is still very childless and not that family friendly so I run into so many issues there as well.

[pamann]

Hi, I work full time for money, I'm a single mother and knew
before i got pregnant that i would need to work.
I made chooses I'm responsible for my life and making it good.
guilt serves no purpose, if I'm not doing what you should
be, what I need to do, I do something different. I
use my freedom and my power and am so pleased to have both.

That said i wish the university if work for was more family friendly,
That the daycare afflicted with the school wasn't so extremely
expensive and on the very far side of campus, i must drive.
I'm lucky to have a manager that allows me flexibility to nurse at lunch.

[rockergirrl]

you are so right pamann about guilt


If we are feeling guilty all of the time - are we leaving room for feeling good and happy and sending possitive messages to our little ones?

guilt is normal and ok to feel - we just need to remember to not let it take over our lives.

[mammastar]

Moonbucket,

Oh my goodness, no wonder you're exhausted!! It sounds like you and your dh are working so hard. I understand a bit of what you mean about working from home being a special challenge: I had a position this summer where I had the flexibility to do a lot of the work from home if I wanted. If I did it at the workplace, it was from 8-4:30, and I missed my babelet, especially since she was a 5-5:30 pm bedtime babe! So working from home seemed great, and I got to feel like I was 'around' the whole time. But suddenly my 81/2 hour shift took about 12 hours to do, because I was going back and forth, and I think I also overcompensated some for working at home by actually doing more, so they wouldn't think I was a slacker! And that was just working from home with a finite, assigned workload, so it sounds like you really have your work cut out for you (although, you know, you're probably doing a better job of being there for your son than you realize through your exhaustion).

I understand you need to put in a lot of hours to pay off your initial investment. Is there anywhere you can simplify, to give yourself some of the time with your family that you seem to sense you all need? Financially and organizationally, could you manage to set aside some time? I noticed that you're also busy with church stuff on Sundays -- is it possible to cut back? I have no idea what your thoughts are on the subject, or the details of your involvement, so I don't want to offend. My stepdaughter asked her dad once why he didn't go to church much. He's a lapsed Italian Catholic, and it's a bit complex, particularly since she was very keen on catechism at the time, but he explained that once he had children he felt so blessed to have them in his life that it was important to him to have the time to spend with them, and that became the more important way to honour the blessings in his life than to attend services regularly. So perhaps you could cut back on some church commitments in order to honour the blessing of creation in your own life by spending the time you crave with your son?

Kudos to you for all your hard work and your care and love for your son!

[Ocean]

I, too, am very happy to see this thread so active! I had been regularly reading Mothering on my lunch breaks, but almost totally stopped after reading so many hurtful anti-working mother posts. I have read many posts by SAHMs who say that it is a choice and that if you have to work it is only because you have made bad choices in life. As many of you on this thread have demonstrated, that is not usually true.

I work about 45 hours per week as a lawyer, but unfortuntely I'm going to have to seriously increase my hours. I tried for about a year to find a part time job, or even a 40 hour per week job close to my home, but those jobs just don't exist much in my field. My dh was laid off when I was 8 months pregnant, so he is a SAHD by circumstance. He has been doing some contract work to help make ends meet while keeping dd out of day care, but things are slow right now, which puts a lot of pressure on me.

It's very hard to balance housework and child care with dh. He's with her for 11 hours a day without me, so he really needs some relief when I get home. We pretty much evenly split childcare evenly when I get home until I go to bed. The I am up with dd at night, who is usually up every hour or so, even at one year old. DH cooks and does dishes during the week, but we split other housework 50-50. When we both worked full time before I was pregnant, I did about 80% of the housework, so this is a big improvement, but not what I would really call equal considering how much I work outside the home.

The hardest thing for me is that I feel like no one really understands. I am the only woman attorney in my office with children, and all of the men attorneys with children have wives that do basically all the childcare are housework, so I feel like people don't understand that I'm having trouble getting as much work done as the men even though I have these additional responsibilities. I have to somehow find time to make up the lost hours from pumping and taking my daughter to doctor appointments, etc. I would love to be a SAHM, but that's not realistic right now. I'm glad hear from other WOHMs who are struggling with similar issues.

[Marlena]

I hear you, Ocean! I'm also an attorney, and I used to bill well over 200 hours per month before dd was born. But there's no chance I could do that now (and be a responsible parent, that is). Fortunately, I was able to make the switch to academe, which allows me to have more reasonable hours, but it also came with a pay cut. Law is SUCH a parenting-unfriendly environment!! It's no shock that so few women associates and partners have children in comparison with their male peers. Dunno if you read the book _I Don't KNow How She Does It_ (don't, if you haven't), but the main character, Kate (an investment banker) makes up non child related excuses to cover up the real, child-related issues for her absence/tardiness/what have you. That rang true for me, too.

It also sounds like your dh could be doing more of the domestic tasks (cleaning, etc.), given the present division of labor. I hope you're able to negotiate something more in that regard. My dh also works (more hours than I do), so I shoulder more of the cleaning tasks (and also take care of dd from when I get home through the night and then in the morning till our childcare person arrives).

[TupeloHoney]

I, too, work full-time outside the home. I really don't feel guilty, but that is because she is always with family. We are fortunate enough not to have to rely on daycare. I work early and get off work about 3ish and dh works late afternoon and doesn't have to be in until 1p. We just have a babysitter for about 3 hours in the afternoon and it is either one of dd's two grandmothers or one of my aunts. It works great and she gets to have weekly interaction with her relatives.

I am expecting #2 in about 10 weeks and I have a feeling that things may get a little more complicated. I am hoping to be able to cut back on my hours after my 12 week leave, but don't know if finances will allow.....

[melissam528]

I too am a working mom. I am here now, infact. My son is 4 months old. I was only able to take the allotted 3 months of maternity leave because of our financial situation. It was soooooo hard finding child care for my son, especially at his young age. I went with a nanny/babysitter who comes to my home. I pay her $200/week, and it is totally worth it. She is wonderful with my baby and not having to drop him off anywhere in the morning is a real time saver.

My biggest problem has been continuing to breastfeed while working full-time. I pump at work, but only manage to get about 1/2 of what he needs during the day while I am gone. I stored up a supply of milk while I was out on maternity leave, but the amount is now dwindling. I am taking tons of Fenugree and Blessed Thistle.
Any suggestions of anything else I can do to help increase the volume of what I pump?

As for the daycare problems... I highly recommend that you look into a nanny.

Concerned working mom...

[asherah]

I work outside the home full time.. and I guess I feel guilty because I like it.. I figure I must be a terrible mom for actually enjoying my time out in the world alone.

Our daycare situation is a house of cards... my husband and I stagger our schedules.. MIL helps out one day a week and my unemployed best friend helps out one day a week. If one of them can't make it, we have to scramble.. and I know one day my friend will get a real job. I don't know what we will do then. Probably DH will SAH until we figure something else out.

I used to be really defensive about working.. saying I would SAH except that I am the primary earner... which I am. But I now realize I would not want to SAH full time. So now I am wrestling with whether that makes me a terrible mother.

I'd like to know how other people feel about balancing mothering with trying to still keep one's place/voice in the world. Is it really awful to want both? So many SAHMs here say it is....
But I still seem to need it. And I feel I am more fully engaged with DS when I am with him because I can renew myself at work...

[Marlena]

Originally posted by melissam528
I pump at work, but only manage to get about 1/2 of what he needs during the day while I am gone. I stored up a supply of milk while I was out on maternity leave, but the amount is now dwindling. I am taking tons of Fenugree and Blessed Thistle.
Any suggestions of anything else I can do to help increase the volume of what I pump?


Are you renting a hospital-grade pump? If not, I strongly recommend that you do. It does make all the difference.

Also, re nannies, they're great (that's what I use), but they're frequently very expensive, particularly if you follow all the tax rules.

[racermom]

I think a lot of ot depends on how parent friendly your work environment is. I guess I am really lucky. If my kids are sick
I can take a sick day or work from home, I can switch my workday and hours around as long as it doesn't get too crazy. On the other hand it must be really hard to work 45 or more hours a week with colleagues who don't have to deal with these issues.

Generally, I like what somebody wrote about guilt and how it doesn't serve anybody. I refuse to believe that SAHMs are the better mothers and sometimes it sounds to me that they are also a little resentful because it is tough being a full-time mom with no break. That doesn't mean that I don't find the time spent with my kids rewarding but it can be also hard.

[Quirky]

Melissa, there are a lot of threads in the breastfeeding - getting started and overcoming difficulties forum on pumping and increasing/maintaining supply. You'll probably find a lot of really good tips there.

Marlena and Ocean, I hear you on law being a parenting-unfriendly career! I have never regretted my decision to go into law (even with sky-high loans) until I had my son, and realized that even though I'd purposefully switched from full-time litigation to working for an environmental non-profit to cut down my hours and enable me to have more of a life, it's still not a job that lends itself to part-time work. My boss approved my request to work four days a week (with concomitant 20% paycut) yesterday, though, and I think that's probably the best I can do. With 45 minutes commuting each way, it's still going to be a long day away from my baby.

I start back to work on December 30 after 22 weeks off, and I'm so scared. I love my job, and I've worked really, really hard to get where I am, but I wish I didn't have to leave my son so soon. If only we lived in Sweden or France, and had a year off work guaranteed! I never thought I'd want to be a SAHM, and I don't want to be one long-term, but I'd love to be able to stay home until DS is one or so and then transition back gradually.

My husband is going to stay home for two months, using the rest of his Family and Medical Leave Act leave. I think he's pretty nervous, as he's never envisioned himself as the SAHD type - at least not for a baby, maybe for older kids. Then we're hoping to find a nanny that we can share with another family. We still have to find both a nanny and the family to share with....keeping my fingers crossed on both counts. I am just not enthralled with the idea of group daycare or family daycare, as my son is pretty high-needs and at least now needs/wants to be in arms all the time.

Anyone have any ideas on how to find and hire AP friendly nannies? Assuming that many will not have heard the term "AP" to describe this parenting style, what kinds of questions would you ask to find the right person?

edited to add: posted at the same time as racermom. I wish my workplace were family-friendly, but even as an environmental non-profit dedicated to conserving the oceans "for future generations," it's about the least family-friendly place imaginable! We have a policy *against* telecommuting, and no flextime policy. In fact, our employee manual sets core hours that you have to be there, or take leave - but if you work overtime, tough luck! No comp time or flex hours. Grrr. There are no other mothers with young kids there (even in an office of 50+ people) because they've all been driven away.

[Marlena]

Jane, dunno if this will be helpful to you, but our nanny's originally from Ghana, where breastfeeding, cosleeping and having lots of close contact with your children is (I understand) the norm. It was the nanny's personality that drew me to her, though - she seemed genuinely caring, and her references (and now my experience) confirmed this. We went through an agency, btw - it wasn't cheap, but it significantly took the hassle and stress out of an already stressful process. They did the background checks, criminal history checks and reference checks, lined up a slew of folks to interview all at once, etc. They'd worked with most of the nannies for years, and were knowledgeable about each. We called back only our present nanny for an interview at our home, and have been with her ever since.

[somemama]

Melissa,
A good pump matters....but it does not have to be hospital-grade, IMHO.

I like my Medela mini-electric, $80 at Target.

Here is a great link on milk supply:
http://www.drjaygordon.com/bf/galact.htm

and one on pumping:

http://www.drjaygordon.com/bf/worknursetips.htm

Make sure you're drinking LOTS of water!
(64--80 ounces a day).

[HollyBearsMom]

We have a very "AP" nanny in her own way. I think if I ever called her that to her face she would say "huh??". She is older than most nannies’ I interviewed (late 50's), raised 3 boys of her own and has one grandchild. I think that because she was a parent herself and had worked long term for other families she was more "naturally" AP.

First of all I was specific with my agency that I wanted only someone who had infant experience. Since I would be going back to work when my son was 3 1/2 months I wanted someone who was used to infants. Then, I asked very specific questions when I interviewed each one such as "what would you do if my son cried every time you tried to put him down?”, "what would you do if he was inconsolable?" "Have you ever had to take care of a colicky/high needs infant? What specifically did you do?". Another question I liked was "Tell me how you spend a typical day with an infant, a toddler, etc” Then I listened very closely- not so much to what she said but how she said it. I am a big believer in body language.

I also talked to her about my nursing/pumping and was she comfortable handling breast milk (a lot aren't!!) and if she was willing to prepare homemade baby food once he got older. I also asked her about willingness to read articles, magazines and books related to childcare. This was important to me, I wanted to make sure that she would be open and not defensive (as if I was questioning her abilities). Since I was a new Mom I wanted someone who wouldn't just take over and be controlling.

I think they more you talk with them (each interview was well over an hour) and you "test run" (invite them over to spend the afternoon with you) you will get a sense of whether they share your values. The bottom line is you may not be able to find someone who is 100% "AP" but my feeling was as long as the big things were covered: no CIO, ok w/ babywearing, breast feeding, no TV, lots of reading and out door activities, no junk food or smoking then I was happy. You are probably going to have a hard finding one who is fully open to cloth diapering (most will however agree to do it) and it will be almost impossible to find one who will EC.

One last note: Don’t assume anything! Just because one nanny cooks meals don’t assume yours will. Have a written contract spelling out everything i.e.: responsibilities, hours, pay vacations/holidays.

It took us a long time and many interviews to find the right one. But I can tell you that every day that leave for work and I watch her carry him to the window to wave “bye bye” as I drive away that I know in my heart is loved, safe and happy with her.

[Quirky]

wow, marlena and hollybear'smom, great advice! thanks!

[Viola]

Originally posted by asherah
I work outside the home full time.. and I guess I feel guilty because I like it.. I figure I must be a terrible mom for actually enjoying my time out in the world alone.

I don't think that is anything to feel guilty for at all.

But I now realize I would not want to SAH full time. So now I am wrestling with whether that makes me a terrible mother.

No, of course not. :) I know that there are a lot of dads that wouldn't want to be a full time SAH father and no one thinks they are bad fathers. There are so many feelings I have about child raising, and I feel like I'm either a bad person or a bad mother, but standing back and looking at the big picture, I feel like my child is clearly thriving and happy most of the time. There are still things I need to work on, though. Right now I don't work--my plan was to quit my job and stay home for the first year, but I didn't have a job worth going back to. I've thought about looking for one again, then I think maybe if I can somehow look at doing stuff around the house as "my job" then maybe I will feel more productive. But that never seems to work. I can't do what I feel that I need to do and find myself becoming depressed and frustrated. I even start to wonder if I had it to do all over again, would I have a child. Like Rockergirrl said, parenting is hard (which I don't think I ever truly comprehended until I had a child) and there was one day last week where I was wishing that I could just revert back to my old come home from work and have the rest of the day to myself.

I know that if I started working again, my husband would immediately hire the cleaning people to come once a week, though. He hates to clean, but he likes the house clean.

[teachma]

I'm brand-new to MDC, and I'm happy to find such a large group of employed mamas here. I am a full time elementary school teacher. I returned to work when my son, who's now 2, was 5 months old. He has been at the same home child care since that time, and we are all thrilled with it. We pay what I feel is a lot ($50 a day) but we do not have to pay for days our son doesn't attend. Since I am a teacher, I need not pay our provider during school vacations, when ds is at home with me. In the summer, he usually attends child care for 2 days each week, and I do private tutoring at clients' homes on those days. Lots of other children of my colleagues attend the same childcare as my son, as do several of my students and their siblings. It makes for a nice, close-knit community of people my son and I are comfortable with. He comes to my school with me each morning at 7:30, and he plays in my classroom until 8:15 while I do prep work, and at 8:15 we dash over to his care provider's home, which is 2 miles from where I work. It's a hectic, rushed morning (he eats breakfast in the staff lounge at my school!) but it works for us. I worked and pumped until ds was 10 months old, we are still nursing at 27 months, and ds spends half of each night cosleeping with my husband. I'm glad for the 2 week vacation I started at 12:25 today! I hope others of you employed mamas wil have lots of time off to rest, too!

[indiegirl]

Originally posted by teachma
I'm glad for the 2 week vacation I started at 12: 25 today! I hope others of you employed mamas wil have lots of time off to rest, too!

Here here! Mine started at 2: 15 today. All day I could feel a psychic stir among fellow school teachers-- it was like I could hear the collective yelps of joy all afternoon!

[somemama]

I'm also a teacher and SOOOOO glad for the break! It will go too fast, though! (And hopefully I'll actually manage to grade those essays I brought home with me!)

[attagirl]

i have a prolem maybe someone has experience with. My ds i s a little shy of four months old and has been staying with his grandmother or my soon to be ex-husband since i went back to work (for about two months now). Both my husband and my mother think that ap does not work with secondary caregivers, as my ds gets really upset when i am away and is easily consoled when i return. they think that cue-feeding and a lack of concrete schedule has led to a disorganized, spoiled baby (i know this is not true) who only wants his mommy, but they have both agreed to ap, for the most part ( although neither one will read any info on ap). my question is, how can i make it easier for both my baby and his caregivers? Should i try an imposed scdeule, or could it be that my baby is just very, very mommy-oriented. i dont really agree with strict scheduling but, i also dont want my little munchkin to scream for 6-8 hours while im away. any ideas?

[teachma]

IRT the concerns about her childcare voiced by attagirl, here's my experience with my now almost 2 1/2 year old. As I mentioned above, he's been in a home daycare since age 5 months. I practice AP and my care providers, because of the number of kids they care for, are not able to do so very easily. My child rather quickly (within 3 or 4 months) learned how to totally adapt to a feeding and napping schedule- at his care provider's home. Of course, he's still not on such a schedule with me, but he's been very adaptable for the 4 days a week at child care. And, there's been no negative impact from what I can see. He's an absolutely wonderful kid- exactly what I wouldv'e wished for, if not better. Many of these little ones are surprisingly flexible.

[comet]

Woohoo!!!! 3 weeks of vacation!

[Quirky]

So there are some teachers on this thread who are psyched about the vacation schedule, and some lawyers on this thread who (like me) don't think that the law is a family-friendly profession....

What does everyone do, and do you like it? Is it a family-friendly career choice? If you had to do it over, what would you do differently career-wise?

I'll start: I'm an attorney at an environmental non-profit called The Ocean Conservancy (http://www.oceanconservancy.org) I switched out of litigation a couple of years ago to get away from the overwhelming workload and travel. I love love love my job - the subject matter, the people I work with, etc. - but a) it's not a real family-friendly organization (we have a policy against telecommuting, for example) and b) it's not really work that's conducive to part-time, because when an issue is hot it's hot and can't be put down and picked up again later. My boss just approved my request to go to a 4 day a week schedule on a trial basis of four months, for when I go back to work on 12/30.

I love my job, and for a lawyer I think I have a great working environment and the work is really interesting (although the pay SUCKS). In hindsight, though, from a parenting perspective I'm wondering whether I should have chosen a different career or a different area within the law that would be more amenable to a flexible schedule, working half time, etc. I don't really know what that would be, I'm just really second-guessing my choices now that I have a baby whom I don't want to leave. :crying

[asherah]

I am a journalist.. and while my company is reasonably family friendly.. the profession certainly is not.

If there's a breaking story, I end up working all kinds of awful hours.
I'm in a job now where I don't get called in the middle of the night and put on a plane.. that used to happen.. and that means I am kind of mommy-tracked, which is actually fine with me.

But if there's a war with Iraq, for example, I will have be asked to work long nasty hours for an indefinite period of time, and I don't know what we will do.

Also, I have to deal with all kids of horrid, depressing information. And my skin is a lot thinner since I became a mom. I used to just shrug things off or even make jokes.. but now all I can think about is how these things are going to affect children. I stew over the kind of world our kids are living in. And it wreaks havoc on my ability to do my work sometimes.

I am the primary breadwinner, so I feel pretty stuck. I'd like to be in a more gentle profession, but I can't leave right now.

Luckily, I do have great, supportive bosses and co-workers, lots of vacation time.. and a good work environment. Lots of other parents to talk with.. and a company that really is more humane than most.

So I shouldn't complain.. but I do anyway. :)

[somemama]

There was a thread recently about what everyone does, career-wise, but I can't find it now.

I'm a teacher and it's great! (Not only for the time-schedule, but because I get to "mother" a lot of teenagers, too.)

But I wish I made more $$$$

[Marlena]

I"m a law school professor, specializing in health law issues.

I hear you, asherah, re being thinner-skinned now that one's a mama. Nothing used to phase me before dd was born; now, I find myself turning off the news or becoming quite upset when I hear reports of certain war crimes or other such issues, in particular.

[Betsy]

I'm a working mom too and feel that as long as I can stay on the balance beam, things are wonderful this way. We have an au pair so my two children get consistent care in our own home. Its not cheap, but I've never understood the need to get cheap childcare. As long as I'm paying less than I can earn, then its what I will do. My kids know my co-workers, they know about what I do, they're proud of my accomplishments, and they like to travel with me when they can. I work 4 days a week so that I can manage my responsibilities at home and at work.

Its always a balancing act though and that's the challenge. But most of life seems to be that way. Eat a balanced diet, balance work and play, etc. etc.

Of course I had to use a breast pump at work, and I have learned to turn off the alarm clock before the kids hear it since we co-sleep, but it works for us. And my 3.5 yo ds is still nursing at night.

So keep the balance in your life whether you work outside the home, or not.

[teachma]

Betsy, you are fortunate to have never understood the need for "cheap childcare." Many mamas have to make a decision on their child care based on affordability; not all of us have the luxury of being as selective as you've been! My child care is not "cheap" -- I think that word denotes not just low cost but poor quality-- but I have had to pass up the au pair and nanny arrangements due to financial restrictions. Around this part of the country, my teacher's salary is less than that of many of my students' nannies!

[busybusymomma]

Originally posted by teachma
Betsy, you are fortunate to have never understood the need for "cheap childcare." Many mamas have to make a decision on their child care based on affordability; not all of us have the luxury of being as selective as you've been! My child care is not "cheap" -- I think that word denotes not just low cost but poor quality-- but I have had to pass up the au pair and nanny arrangements due to financial restrictions. Around this part of the country, my teacher's salary is less than that of many of my students' nannies!

LOL What would you think if I told you I work for $8.39/hr and that actually helps our financial situation out? If dd wasn't staying with my mom (no charge) and I had to pay for daycare it wouldn't even be worth working unless I was full time and had benefits.

I'm quite sure your au pair makes more than dh and I will this year!

[rockergirrl]

I am an Internet Project Manager. I have been with the company for 6 1/2 years and they have been wonderful to work for. It is still a very young (age wise) company though and I have run into some problems since having a baby. They have been very supportive of me and have allowed me to keep my position but work just three days a week so for that I am very thankful. Most of the managers and directors are men and although they have children they also have wives who stay home. There are only a handful of female employees that are juggling both kids and their jobs. This year however there has been a baby boom with the female employees so I am hoping issues regarding part time/ flex time and family friendly policies will change. It was a struggle for me to be allowed to work part time but I am hoping that it will allow for others to do the same. It is the type of place though were people put in a lot of overtime and so it has been a struggle for me to have to leave every day at the same time to pick up DS. I still hear sly comments on my last day of the week that I am a slacker and have the next days off. I just ignore them now but they do get to me once in awhile.

[ebaby]

Just a note here. When I here comments about what a slacker I am, how I use to work so hard before ds, or how nice it must be nice to only work half days from the"peanut gallery" I use to let it go but now I respond with:
"my priorities are in balance and this lets me give my best to you while I am here and my best to my family while I am there. If more people would keep those two things in balance we would have a happier world!"
So far no one has disagreed with that.
I do affirmations each day that remind me I am in balance and all of the decisions I have made so far have gotten me exactly where I am.
We have to do what is right and lead by example, and always ask for what you want, may not get it the first hundred times but persistance pays off.
Regardless of how much someone makes, we all have so much in common. And I am thankful to have stumbled into this board!

K:BabyE'sMomma

[ebaby]

"When one door closes another one opens;
but we so often look so long
and so regretfully upon the closed door,
that we do not see the ones
which open for us."
- Alexander Graham Bell

[asherah]

Yeah, I get those little slacker comments too sometimes.

And what gets me is that we do all these reports on studies that show work-aholics are really not the best employees... people with healthy, happy balanced lives are!

UGH. We do all these reports on telecommuting, flex-time, job-sharing etc.. and yet its still all about "face time."

I'm GOOD at what I do. And I can do it faster than a lot of other people. I am NOT a slacker at work.. I am very focused and committed. The fact that I have a baby and a life that I am also committed to does NOT make me less valuable.

So much still needs to change in our work-culture!

[Lucky Charm]

I am an emergency room nurse.

I am back in school pursuing my degree with the hopes of becoming a nurse practitioner. I love being a nurse. i make good $$ i schedule myself. i work mostly weekends, but take today for instance. i will work a "princess shift" from 3p-7p for a friend who wants to leave early. i am home all day, i am still home for dinner and my teenager will watch her little brother while i am at work. i do the balancing act too, often working nights so i am at home during the day....this leads to severe sleep deprivation, often i am up 36 hrs in a row. but hey, a girls gotta do wat a girls gotta do. and after a stretch like that, with 3 kids a ahouse and 2 dogs,, it makes me seethe when my sah sil say shes "exhausted". i am so glad we have this forum!! now i have working moms who really understand the unique pressures and stressors we are under. unless you are doing it, its really hard to understand!!!

:hippie

[Betsy]

teachma

Ouch - sorry for making it sound like I'm rolling in dough and can't understand those that make small salaries. That couldn't be further from the truth. All I meant to say is that "cheap" and "childcare" are two words that don't go together any better than "cheap" and "true love" do.

Au pairs make $139.05 per 45-hour week.

[Alenushka]

I alway worked or went to school. I am very lucky becuase I can change how I work as my kids grow. I can work at home when the baby is asleep, freelance when the baby is older and is at home with dad or occasinal sitter, and now that kids are in school and pre school, I work part time outside (and sometime at home)
I never felt guilty about school or work. What for ? I love to study and I love to work and love my kids! MY kids beniffeted form developing close relationships with someone elce besides me. I made some money and I did not feel traped at home. I always enjoyed that I can make my onw money and not rely 100% on my husband. One never know what life will bring.... Extra money I made allowed me to pay for my kids swimming and music lessons. My younger son attends great pre school jut like his older brother.
MY hsuband and I cooperate. When he has slow weeks, he pick up more slack at home and I try to get more work and vs vs.
I grew up in Russia and almost all women returned to work after 1.5 year paid leave. Of course, in Russia people have close extended familie and it helps/
Unfortunately, my my died, but the Russia nanny we found was like grandma to us!
I cam ware of working mom stress ont he day I work outside my home. IT is importnat to ahve a day care provider you are absolutely happy with! It is importnat to be oprganized. I get up 15 minutes before kids and take my shower. Noght before all the lucnhes are made, breakfast table is laid out, cofeemaker mahcine is stocked. I use lalarm function in my Palm pilot to remind myself things like: sahring obejct for younger one, pizza moneyfor the older. I prefer to get up a little early so we all can have nice hot breakfas together. Night before I remind my kids that tomorrow is my work day and we need to work together int he morning. Whne I pick them up after work and we get home, they both get 30 minutes to do anything they want while I am making dinner. MAke a fort out pillows, watch Arthur, anything. I also understand that they will be certian amount of misbehaving in the evening because after whoel day at shcool, they are in the safe place, where they can let themsleves go.
P.S. I think is gymboree is overrated! There are lovely and afforadable swimming classes and movement classes for mothers and babies at your local YMCA or JCC!

[Quirky]

Originally posted by Betsy

Au pairs make $139.05 per 45-hour week.

That's $3.09 an hour! :eek I guess they're not in it for the money.

[Betsy]

No, thats the beauty of it. They are in it for the cultural exchange, to develop relationships with Americans, to travel, to learn the language, to explore the world before choosing a career and many other wonderful reasons. I feel proud to share my AP style to others if for no other reason that to bust some of the myths about Americans that exist around the world. And our au pairs have not felt cheated or underpaid. In fact, they have said it has been one of the best years of their lives.

Other costs include room and board, but since we almost never eat out and I make all our meals, it is a nominal expense and we are fortunate to have a third bedroom in our home for the au pair.

[Starfire]

Originally posted by Betsy
Au pairs make $139.05 per 45-hour week.
Is that after taxes?

All the ads for Au Pairs here are for $245.oo per week.

I have thought of hiring one to live at my moms, she has an extra room. But i still can not afford even $150.00 per week.

Do you know if you can share them with another family?

[Marlena]

Having an au pair is much cheaper than hiring a nanny, but I don't know that I'd want an au pair taking care of an infant. As Betsy noted, au pairs are largely here for the cultural exchange; for many, if not most, providing inexpensive childcare is simply a means of financing the former. At least in group daycare there is usually at least one other person supervising someone who may be inexperienced. There's also a potentially larger measure of accountability. Although I'd be loathe to do either, I'd probably be more likely to have put dd in decent (operative word!) group daycare when she was an infant than to have entrusted her to an au pair. Betsy must be fortunate in having found good au pairs (and in having provided them with a great experience, too)!

[Betsy]

Marlena, You are right, an au pair cannot take care of an infant under three months of age. And the programs we've used require 200 hours of documented infant care before they will place an au pair. For older children, there is no 200-hour requirement, but some childcare is necessary to even apply for the program. These girls are not experts, but our first au pair took care of our 3 yo and 3mo and she did a fabulous job. Of course we did a lot of work to prepare her, ourselves, our house and our routine. But we look at childcare not as a process of "hiring" someone, but more like building a permanent long-lasting relationship. Even though au pairs are here for one year, our relationships continue. And the children don't feel like they've been "left" with someone.

Starfire, We pay $139.05 per week stipend and because we are part of an exchange program. It is not considered a salary, only a stipend. So no taxes or social securiity. In the future we will use a flexible spending account when my employer gets the program running so we can pay for childcare with pretax $.

The ad you saw specifying the $245 per week is including all the additional costs such as housing, food, car and program costs. You can spend a lot more on an au pair, or you can spend less. If we had access to public transportation, we could save a lot because we do provide access to a car for our au pair and so we have additional car insurance/maintenance costs. We drive a very old Volvo to keep the costs down.

I admit au pairs are not the answer for everyone. We have seen families where it just didn't work out. But others (including a neighbor family who adopted two boys with special needs) have had great success and have wonderful stories to tell.

[ebaby]

Hi everyone!
I am intersted in the au par exchange, (for dh will go back to work someday) So, where do I find out about it and how likely is it that someone would want to exchange to the middle of rural America?
Thanks
K: BabyE'sMomma

[EnviroBecca]

Just making sure this thread stays current. I expect to be a WOHM (if I can ever get pregnant!) and it's great to see all the advice and exchange of info instead of the "all problems could be solved if you would just quit your job" attitude I sometimes see from SAHMs on the boards. My mom worked not only outside the home, but on the road away from us for up to 3 weeks at a stretch, in my later childhood, and I think that was really GOOD for me in many ways!

[somemama]

For those of you who work and pump, do you have to pump on your days off, as well, or can you get enough milk for baby just by pumping at work?

[asherah]

I try to pump once on my days off just to keep a little reserve "bank."
But I don't really HAVE too.. it just makes me feel more secure. :)

[somemama]

Question for those of you who work full-time: Do you use cloth diapers? If so, how do you find the time for laundry?

[rockergirrl]

Originally posted by mamajulie
For those of you who work and pump, do you have to pump on your days off, as well, or can you get enough milk for baby just by pumping at work?


I never pumped on my days off unless I needed to for a sitter or something. I probably should have though because I would pump just enough for the next day. I just found that on my days off it was a break for me not to pump and just enjoy nursing. So for me it was worse pumping away on my work days and I looked forward to the days I didn't have to.

[peggy]

Sorry to interrupt, but I asked rockergirrl and I thought I'd pose it to all of you:

Would you like this thread moved to Finding Your Tribe? That is where we usually put ongoing threads where members would like to stay in touch on a regular basis. This thread is going beautifully and I would like to see it stay as a source of support to all of you..rather than fall to page two of Parenting Issues on a "busy" day.

Go check out Finding Your Tribe and let me know what you think.

http://mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?s=&forumid=7

peggy

[busybusymomma]

Originally posted by mamajulie
Question for those of you who work full-time: Do you use cloth diapers? If so, how do you find the time for laundry?

I cloth diaper! I average 30hr/wk, so it's not quite full-time. I have a really simple wash routine and we line dry, so it's no biggie.

You could easily buy enough diapers to wash every other day and just plan on washing diapers every other day after work. Hang dry all night and they'd be ready to go in the morning.

I have enough to go much longer (I might be diapering two for awhile) but I prefer to wash every other day so the diapers don't get too stinky (and don't have as long to stain either).

If you have any questions, I'd be glad to answer. I used to use sposies (until dd was 14mo) and don't find cd'ing any harder than buying sposies. I hate going to walmart and now I have one less reason to go there! I've saved SO much money and I've bought nice WAHM fitted diapers.

Michelle, Elana (23mo) and Jeremy ETA 04/25/03

[somemama]

Um, Peggy, you said perhaps we could get a Working Mother forum? Is that still a possibility?

BusyBusyMomma, I don't know how you do it! I do laundry after work every day--but it's towels, clothes, sheets, etc! I keep telling myself I wouldn't have the time for CD's. But the article in the current Mothering about cloth made me think about it again. Per diaper, how much $ would I have to spend?

And PS. I NEVER shop at Walmart anymore--not even for diapers!

[peggy]

We are not opening any new forums at this time. Cynthia usually suggests starting a thread in finding your tribe when a new forum is wanted to see how much interest is generated and if the thread stays active.

That's why I suggested putting it there.

It's fine here too..whatever you guys want.

peggy

[busybusymomma]

Originally posted by mamajulie
Um, Peggy, you said perhaps we could get a Working Mother forum? Is that still a possibility?

BusyBusyMomma, I don't know how you do it! I do laundry after work every day--but it's towels, clothes, sheets, etc! I keep telling myself I wouldn't have the time for CD's. But the article in the current Mothering about cloth made me think about it again. Per diaper, how much $ would I have to spend?

And PS. I NEVER shop at Walmart anymore--not even for diapers!

mamajulie- I'm really lucky. Dh does help me with laundry a bit, so it makes a difference. Thankfully I can save most laundry (except diapers) for the weekend.

The cost is completely up to you and how much you can/want to spend. I've purchased the pricier diapers and covers because I know my ds due in April will be using them all too.

The cheapest way to go is prefolds (http://store.naturalbabies.com/products/) . You have to pin or snappi them. You can also use a velcro wrap cover and you don't have to pin or snappi. This works best before baby is mobile, once they're mobile the diaper is likely to shift around inside the wrap if you don't pin or snappi.

Another route is fitteds. There's a huge assortment to choose from. You can get them with outer prints or without. WAHM or company made. Hemp, cotton, fleece, velour and more! :eek I prefer fitteds myself and most of my diapers are hemp/cotton. Fitteds are said to work better for those newborn bf poopies than prefolds do.

The most expensive route is AIO (all in ones). Unlike prefolds and fitteds, they do not require a cover or a wrap. I have a couple and they are nice for very quick changes. I use them for when dd is going to grammy's house.

Covers and wraps. There's a huge assortment here too. You can get covers that snap or wraps that close with velcro (which I personally despise). You can get them made from PUL, wool or fleece.

Whatever you decide to do, don't buy those Gerber diapers from the store. They won't absorb and they'll be a big disappointment!

If you're thinking of going for it, I would post at the Diapering board. Let us know what kind of diapers (prefolds, fitteds or AIO) and covers you're thinking of using and we'll all have lots of favorites and info to share! :D

[Serena]

I'm glad to see this thread and I think it certainly belongs in Parenting Issues, fwiw... I also would love to see a Working Mothers forum, but I wouldn't hold our breaths! IMO Mothering has for a long time needed to address the issue of working moms... just as the AP community at large thinks that the women's movement ignored or bashed SAHMs, so the AP community now ignores or bashes WOHMs. How silly and ironic.

I've been all of it... SAHM for the first six months, WOHM for the next three, then WAHM for the next four, then part-time WOHM for the next three, which brings us to... now! My part-time job is about to end and I'll be a WAHM once again, and looking forward to it.

I have to admit I have so many mixed feelings on this subject... I've always been a rabid defender of working moms, but my own careerist feminism took a real blow when I had a child. I saw that she thrived, blossomed, bloomed with happiness when we were together, when I wasn't working outside the home. Thanks to rent control I was able to indulge that feeling and quit my job to be with her. I'll never regret that. I love that she hasn't had to cry for me, see me always leaving (that stuff hurt when I was WOH), that I haven't had to deal with the daycare stuff or the nanny stuff. I figure I can always get career back but I can't always get her babyhood back.

That said, I realize not everyone wants to or has the choice to stay home or work from home, or even work part-time, and I hate all the bashing of working mamas! :crying Especially since AP offers SUCH great tools for working moms!!

Anyway, selfishly, I'm so much more tired when I'm working! There's so much less time for ME... none, in fact. I was either working or mommying, 100% of the time. Working from home is great because when she's with her dad, I can work but then go out and have lunch by myself, shop, see friends, whatever--I really miss that when I'm WOH.

[peggy]

I never said this forum wasn't the appropriate place for this thread. I suggested the Finding Your Tribe forum because that is where most ongoing threads are. Many members who have asked for a specific forum have started threads in FYT to see if they could generate interest . We have an older mom "tribe", a younger mom "tribe" a parents of special needs "tribe" and several others. This thread being about working mothers had nothing to do with me (or mothering) not giving "space" for working families. As a matter of fact, my goal was to be sure this thread stayed active and not lost in a busy forum like Parenting Issues.

You all seem to want it to stay here so here it shall stay...:D

peggy

[Greenfrogs]

Jumping in late, but just wanted to put my hand up as another working (single) mom.

Summary of my situation.

My son has been in daycare since he was 10 weeks old. The daycare is sponsered by my work and is great. Very supportive of AP ideas like breastfeeding and cloth diapering.
I pump at work for 8 months (pump bought by my department). Exclusively breastfeed for 4, but had to supplement with formula for about 2 month. My son was a big eater and pumping was not as productive as I would have hoped. I still however feel very good about it. The only problem I had with daycare was when my son move to the 2's. He started hitting his best friend. We tried everything, but nothing was helping him so I move him to another room. The hitting stopped immediately and he still plays with his best friend. I think there was one teacher that was ot very good and he didn't like (she is no longer at the daycare).


I have already started researching elementary schools with good afterschool programs and found one I think he would do well in.

Why do I work? I also felt the need to by finacially independent, so a good job is important to me.

[gretasmommy]

It is great to find a supportive environment for AP WOHM's. I went back to work when DD was just 9 weeks old. Fortunately, we are able to pay my sister to be DD's nanny. Yes, it is quite expensive, but as someone earlier said, as long as it is less than my salary we can afford it. There really isn't much left afterwards, but this works for us. Given the demands of our work schedules, we also need to have in-home child care. I am often out of the house well before 7 am and don't return until 9 pm at least one day per week.
There is a balance to be struck as a WOHM. I have been able to work a full week in 4 days, due to the long hours on those days, and I get 3 days per week at home with DD. She gets up quite early (5 am), so I am able to spend a little time with her before I leave in the mornings, and when I can I rush home to nurse her before bed. Hmmmmmm . . .this leaves very little time for me, as I am either a working person or a mommy, but that's okay for now. I didn't expect this would be easy!

Though I miss DD terribly when I am away ( I call at least 4 times each day to check in!), I do not regret my choice to have a career as well. It's important to me to show DD that she can find a balance between motherhood and a career someday, if she so chooses.

We consider ourselves fairly AP - CD, EBF, GD, no CIO, and we share our bed in the mornings. I plan to nurse DD until she weans herself, which I hope is quite a ways from now. I cannot imagine *not* nursing her, although I will not be sorry to pack away the pump for a bit! I pump every 3 hours while at work, and we have been able to give her only my milk so far. We also use cloth diapers, which are really no more difficult than disposables. In fact, I find them to be much easier. We wash them every night after DD goes to bed, then hang them to dry once we have finished dinner . . . and they are dry by morning when we then stuff them (fuzzi bunz)and put them in her drawer for the day.

Whew! Thanks for hanging in through this long reply!

Andrea
mommy to Greta 3/14/02

[rockergirrl]

I am leaving the move of this thread up to all of you. I told Peggy that I don't mind if it moves - I just want it to be in the right place where people can access it. If Finding your own tribe makes more sense than let's move.

[nuggetsmom]

I pumped three times a day till DD was 1. Then I stopped pumping at work because it was very tough for me to scheldule it and because she is not really into nursing anyway I would rahter leave early and spend time with her than spend it in the lactation room (or janitors closet with chair), I also had to pump on my days off to keep up enough milk for her and to get better milk supply. I think pumping didn't keep my supply up enough. I think that is very individual and if I didn't have to I wouldnt' have.

[oatmeal]

Just want to say, I guess I should be grateful my dd is almost 1 and I am raising her alone and somehow I haven't had to put her in daycare for a whole year. I have no idea how, it's been some cosmic kind of devine intervention, some unemployment benefits and some footwork doing a little childcare with her along - though in my city it's frowned upon. I rarely ran into another mom who was willing to let me babysit her child with my dd along. I plan to look for babysitting work again but fear I won't find a fmaily willing to have dd along for the ride. I did all the daycare research when I thought I'd be taking my office job back again and it was not very pleasant. I couldn't find a place that I could stomach leaving her in and they were at the least expensive $1000 a month in my area - which would completely defeat the purpose of my returning to work since I couldn't pay our rent and daycare at the same time. I don't know what the next year will bring, though I will definitely be a full time worker since there are no benefits anymore and I can't tell how long the cosmos will be blowing mysterious wind in our sails. No matter what comes up I'll laways be glad we had the first year together. And I hope she's not the one doing the biting when she gets with the other kids because she bites the dickens out of me now.

[somemama]

Well, we would know that it was in Finding Your Tribe, but new people looking at the boards may not know that, and so may have a harder time finding us. That's why I vote to leave it in Parenting.

But, perhaps occasionally we should start a new thread, like "Working Parents #2" etc. (So one thread doesn't get too long.)

And I also think that Dads shouldn't be relegated to just the Dads forum--they should feel free to post on this thread about their struggles with work/childcare, etc. also.

So dads, if you are reading this, post away!

[busybusymomma]

I think it fits in either place. I would have been more likely to find it here than finding your tribe myself.

I wouldn't have guessed there was a thread like this... I clicked on the link from the mothering email!

[funmum]

I work part time, though wish I didn't have to work at all. I don't feel guilty about leaving my son in a daycare because he loves it, or with our neighbour whom he loves very much. He's a very sociable little boy who thrives on company. It's me that misses him and wishes I didn't have to work so I could be with him instead.

As for biting, my son was and still is a terrible biter. I know this sounds strange that he loves company yet bites them! He was observed by a psychologist for a day at the daycare centre and she told us that she thought his biting was about wanting to join in or to express frustration about wanting or losing a toy to someone else. They have a behaviour management plan for biters and someone watches him closely in hourly shifts, and the incidence has decreased.

Aimee

[Betsy]

Peggy, sounds like a good idea. We sure do have lots of issues to help eachother out with...

[panda]

would "employed moms" be a more descriptive title? hate to be so picky, but I know some of my non-employed friends with kids feel slighted to be tagged as non-working.

[Betsy]

How about "Dual Career Tribe?"

Being an AP parent is an occupation, a career and a lot of work.

"Dual career" would apply to those moms and dads that also have regular hours dedicated to an additional occupation that takes them away from their parenting job (it could be volunteer work and not necessarily employment)

What do you think?

[Cynthia Mosher]

You might consider the well know "WOHM" title - Work Outside Home Mom. That gives us SAHM (stay at home mom), WAHM (work at home mom) and WOHM. And of course all the equivalents for dads - WOHD, SAHD, and WAHD. :D

[mingber]

I too am a WOHM full-time with 2 kids. There are now 6 pages of replies and I can't read them all - so I am just going to post instead.
I was home with DD for 18 months when she was born - then we moved to NJ and i had to get a full-time job. She went into day care part time at first - then full time. The center is wonderful and my DS is now there part time. My DH watches DS part time when he has days off (he usually works nights and weekends & I work 9-5 weekdays). Then my mom watches him part time. We pay about $55 per day for day care per child. EXPENSIVE! It costs me about $16,000 a year for them for daycare - my mother charges minimally too. Then I have to pack lunches and snacks.

Rockergirrl - 1. do you provide your childs lunches and snacks? I do and there is a NO SHARING POLICY at the center. The teachers adhere to it strickly because of allergies.
2. Bitting in a younger toddler room is very common (ages 15 months - 2 1/2 years). The kids can't really talk yet and don't know how to express themselves. They also are not always listened to so they bite for attention. It is very difficult to deal with from both prospectives (parent of bitter and parent of bitten child). I've been in both situations. Work with the center and communicate with the other parents. Does the center have a parents committe? Like a PTA? We do, and it makes a huge difference - I attend the monthly meetings and talking with the other parents really helps.

I did pump with DS from 6 weeks old to 8 months then I wouldn't let down anymore - I got tired of it too, so I stopped. He went onto formula. I needed my time back - that ended up being the only break for me during the day with no kids - so I took it as my time.

It's very difficult - I'm tired all the time - I get home at 6pm with the kids then have to make dinner and get them into bed - when does laundry get done? When do I clean - I don't, I hired a cleaning lady! I don't see the kids and when I do I am too tired and cranky to cope. I wish I could SAHM - but we can't afford it. Oh well - the grass is always greener on the other side.

[Ocean]

1. Cloth diapers. Yes we use cloth diapers, but we are fortunate enough to have a diaper service in our city, so we are blessed with fresh cloth diapers every week. DD is our first child, and I knew I wanted cloth diapers for environmental reasons, but considering that I had changed maybe five diapers in my entire life before dd, I didn't want to spend all the money to purchase cloth diapers in case I hated them. We've been happy with the service so we've stuck with it. I occasionally think about purchasing my own to save money, but I seem to perpetually have a few loads of clean laudry piled up in laundry baskets that I never have time to put away, so I stay with the convenience of the diaper service.

2. Pumping. I went back to work when dd was only 7 weeks old. I had a horrible time pumping. I pumped four times a day, yet some days I could only get a total of 6 ounces and sometimes I couldn't let down to the pump at all, despite having a expensive Medela pump in style. I even purchased a second one when I became convinced that my first one didn't work! We stuck with it and dd was exclusively fed BM for six months, and she has never had formula. She is now 12 months and I still pump 2x per day.

For all you other WOHMs, how long did you continue to pump?

[Jenifer]

As a teacher at a Montessori school for children ages 13 months to 3 years old, I understand your concerns. I'm sure it is difficult to find a program for young children that you trust and feel comfortable with.

Sadly, very few childcare centers have competent and trained adults working there. In our state (Washington), they only require ten hours of classes in order to work with infants and toddlers. I have spent years in training to work with these young children and have doula certification, BA, teaching certificate, and an M.Ed. I take my job seriously and try to offer the best possible environment I can for the children in my program.

Don't feel guilty about working and needing to put your child in care! Even if you stayed home with your child, it would be beneficial to introduce her to a stimulating community of children her age by the time she was one years old. In fact, most of the parents who send their children to our program do not even work!

It is important though that you find a child care center or school that you are happy with. Here is my advice:
1. Observe for an hour or two at the school.
2. Look for child sized furniture, beauty, cleanliness, space, light, warmth, trained consistent caregivers, good ratios, and opportunities for the child's independence.

In our particular school we have small low tables for the toddlers to set their own places at the table, eat together, and clear their own places. They may wash their own dishes, hands and brush their teeth with guidance from the adult. We have small toilets and wear cloth underwear (for toileting) starting at 13 months of age. There are low benches where the children sit to change their own clothing and put on their own shoes. The children do realistic and interesting activities that help their independence to grow. It is amazing to see what these young children can do!

You will find that it costs a little bit more to attend schools like these but your peace of mind and your child's happiness is worth it! Good luck.