Anybody else not feel like they *should*

[Jennifer Z]

This is a wanted pregnancy. However, I can not seem to get very excited about it. I have no desire to pull out my baby clothes, I am not that interested in diaper shopping (thank goodness I have a friend making me some diapers because trying to decide what to get would be more than I could handle right now), and most days, most of the day, I just feel yucky.

With my first pregnancy it was everything I could do NOT to go on shopping trips for the new baby, this one I am not even sure if I WANT to go on a shopping trip. I haven't even tried to go find my old baby clothes yet, and when my neighbor gave me some of her stuff (her babe is 4 months or so, so she gave me her 'just outgrew' newborn stuff) I was more happy that I wouldn't have to deal with shopping than actually getting to have little baby things around. I don't know the gender, but I don't really care. If I have a girl, she is going to be dressed in boy clothes because I just don't feel like finding girly things. I can act like I am just being frugal all I want, but most of the time I am more apathetic than frugal.

If it weren't for the ticker on my xanga blog, I wouldn't even know how far along I was. (I put it there for that purpose...people would ask me and I wouldn't have a clue, this way I have a reminder)

I finally stopped throwing up about a week or two ago, but I still feel sick to my stomach most of the time and am on the verge of gagging much of the day.

Today my 3 year old had a fever and for the first time ever, didn't want to nurse when he felt bad. He hasn't nursed for a few days now. It hurts when he nurses, but it makes me feel sort of sad that he isn't as interested. I know that isn't logical and that it is totally an appropriate time for him to wean, but my heart is sad that part of our relationship might be ending.

Instead of giggly and excited, I am tired and apathetic. After all my years of infertility, I feel like I should just be so grateful and happy...this is what I dreamed of, but I am so not there right now.

[Persephone]

*Hugs* I understand how you feel. I wasn't feeling all excited until recently, and I still don't feel like I've really bonded with my child. The good news is that during birth, there are hormones that help you fall in love with your child. Breastfeeding makes them too. So if you have a natural childbirth and breastfeed, your body will be pumping out love hormones all over the place. I think you'll find you'll have a hard time not falling in love then. :)

A couple other things to consider: You have a child now, which you didn't last time you were pregnant. That first child takes a lot of attention away from your pregnancy. Being tired doesn't help. That's ok, it's really common with second pregnancies. Another thing, is just from your tone, you sound a bit depressed. Postpsrtum depression is a lot more well known, but there is such a thing as antepartum depression. Just do a google search. If that's what it is, please tell someone who loves you, and make sure they listen. Because depression isn't something to mess around with. *Hugs* to you. I can feel the tiredness and distress coming through your post. I hope you feel better soon.

[Wugmama]

It is totally hard to get excited about a baby when you are feeling crappy, isn't it? I can relate to that. I only just recently started to have days where I don't feel nauseated, but on those days I have heartburn - can't win! I also have a 3 year old and haven't yet taken out her baby clothes to sort or wash either.

Just remember, there is no "right" way to feel. And we still have 4 months to go to get ready!

Hang in there!
Tracy :hug

[because]

:hug Ditto the PPs.

I think feeling crappy and tired also makes it a little overwhelming to think of having to care for two kids (and a newborn at that!) so maybe you're acting/feeling in a way that keeps you from thinking about that. Pregnancy is such a weird time hormonally, physically, emotionally, etc. for us. It really will be different after the birth. Yay for oxytocin and prolactin!! :)

[Willowrose]

HUGS to you. It is very hard to feel excited when you aren't feeling well or have some added stress in your life. It also may be hormonal.
You have a lot to deal with right now. That is hard. Don't beat yourself up about it. You will get past this and you will bond and enjoy this baby.

[Jennifer Z]

You know, I think it is somewhat situational too. My 3 yo is running a fever. He hardly ever gets sick, so I don't deal with it well.

I am also not looking forward to the birth itself. My last birth was very traumatic and those early weeks were a haze of pain and complications. I am having a scheduled c-section this time and I know it will be a lot better than last time, but I have so many bad associations with birth and my pregnancy is bringing them to the surface. Every time I try to process it, I start bawling. I want to be healed for that birth by the time I hit this one, but I feel like it is getting worse instead of better.

Maybe I will feel better when I don't feel so sick.

[Persephone]

Maybe this birth will help you heal from that birth. Sometimes, the birth itself is a healing process. I'm really sorry you had such a bad birth experience. It really hurts to hear that, whenever someone says it. :( I really hope you can find healing. This is my first baby, but Birthing from Within has really helped me over some of my issues around birth. Have you read it?