Feel like I'm breaking my daughter

[fiddledebi]

Apologies in advance for a pretty self-punishing post...

I have a 3 year old daughter and a 5 week old daughter. My 3 year old was the most wonderful, easy-going, delightful child on earth until the last two weeks. While she is thrilled to have a sister, and loves to kiss her, talk to her, try to make her feel better when she cries, etc., she has become SO difficult with her dad and I. I knew something would change with her when the baby came, but this is just breaking my heart.

Example: she was 95% potty trained when dd2 arrived. I knew there would be setbacks, but this is bizarre -- she won't go to the potty when reminded, won't discuss it rationally like she used to (i.e., if you go now, you won't have to stop playing with your friend to go later OR if you don't go, you'll probably pee in your underpants and that's no fun, etc.), and throws an absolute fit when we even discuss it. We've tried suggesting she call her grandmother each night she stays dry all day, we've tried just letting her pee in her pants, we've tried natural consequences (you can't sit on the couch which could stain until you've used the potty), all of it is just met with tantrums. Which brings me to the other thing...

Tantrums. She never EVER had them before. Ever. I had no idea what to do when she started a few weeks ago. They are so sad...she sobs and cries and becomes totally irrational, insisting on things that make no sense (like, for example, NO mommy, this is NOT our house...or NO, I'm NOT yelling and crying). It breaks my heart. It's difficult for me, yes, but mostly I know that she must be feeling just terrible to act that way, yelling and spitting and crying and running away to hide under a table. I've tried to make time just with her and I since the baby arrived, and to include her in baby care (which she loves), but she is still just floundering, and it makes me want to fall apart myself.

This little girl is my sweetheart, somewhere under there -- where did she go? Will she come back? What can I do to help her? We still have mostly the same life we did before -- going to the park, napping together, eating the same things, etc. We just bring dd2 with us, and there's a bit more of me on the couch unable to move (nursing), but never ignoring dd1. I feel like having a baby has ruined my dd1's life. I look in her eyes and see so much struggle and tumult. It's eating me up inside.

Other 2nd (or more) time mamas -- how did this play out for you? PLEASE tell me your first children returned to their previous personalities eventually. I miss my little girl!

[Linda on the move]

We went through this and my older DD did eventually return to her previous personality.

My older DD had been a very easy child but after her sister was born it was really awful for awhile. When I was nursing her sister, she would lay just out of my reach and tanturm the whole time. She would wake up in the middle night the screaming (night terrors). It was heart breaking.

I really don't remember how long it lasted, and I'm sure it is different for different kids. She did eventually adjust and she and her little sister get along great. I think you are doing the right things but that it just takes time.

[moonshine]

Having a new sibling in the house can certainly be difficult for some kids, but I just want to say that some of her behavior could just be normal for a 3 yr old. I felt that I didn't "need" any discipline tactics or further understanding of age-appropriate behavior until DD1 was over 3. And then there were times that were just AWFUL. We are slowly coming out of it now. (She's 3.8.)

And of us, our reserves were tapped a bunch more with 2 than with 1, so maybe stuff that wouldn't have been so awful with just one, was quite bad with 2.

It all does get better. :hug

[LoveBeads]

Everything that you described is what my DD started doing at 3 -- and she is an only child!

Gee, I'm sure I was helpful! :LOL

[Mommiska]

I think you are describing very typical 3 year old behaviour - probably exacerbated by the arrival of a new baby.

Both of my daughters went through a stage very similar to the one you describe when they were 3 years old - and both were much younger when there was a new baby in the house (dd1 was 19 months old when dd2 was born; dd2 was 2 years, 4 months when ds was born).

Hang in there - it does get better. I remember at one point holding dd1 while she sobbed about nothing I could figure out - I looked over her head at dh, crying myself, and just saying over and over again, 'I don't know what to do'.

DD1 is now a reasonably well-adjusted 6 year old. :)

It sounds like you are doing a good job meeting your daughter's needs. It's hard to be 3 and it's hard to have a new baby in the house. She'll get there - I promise!

[delicious]

i agree, i think it's common when you have a new baby. it for sure happened with us. i think the key is to keep on ap'ing, keep on loving, meeting her needs and she will adjust. we had a ROUGH time with dd for a while but we did the best we could and she seems to have come out ok. :)

congratulations on the new babe! good luck! :)

[Doodlebugsmom]

FWIW, my dd was two years and 4 months when ds was born. She never skipped a beat. She turned three last Feb., and the months since then have gotten increasingly harder. Where is my sweet little girl? I've heard that things start getting better at about 4.

[meowmix]

My son was never jealous of his new siblings when they came along (he was 2 yrs when Rachael was born and 3.5 yrs when Ariel was born). BUT-- he did get tantrummier, whinier and just generally not able to handle situations as well. He acted up for his grandma, whom he is normally THRILLED to see, when she came up to help out when the baby was born. But he never showed direct jeaousy towards his sisters and was always gentle and loved on them. He regularly told me he loved his new baby sis and wanted more, heehee.

He returned to normal with a few months and things settled back into a routine.

I might also mention that when I was sleep deprived and spending alot of time caring for a newborn, things my son may have done BEFORE the baby came along I might not have noticed as much or been able to redirect/attend to before they happened. For example- I would have noticed a build up to a tantrum before it happened and so it never would have happened in the first place (he was tired or hungry so I met the need quicker). After baby was born, I didn't notice and respond to things as quickly because my attention was divided, I was exausted, and so meltdowns occured with my son occassionally. Did that make sense? :)

[nonconformnmom]

I feel your pain. My dd was 26 months old when her baby sister arrived. She handled the new baby just fine and all was well with the world, until the baby got to be about 5 months old. My theory is that's when the baby started getting a personality of her own and later, becoming mobile. The second she became mobile, my 2.5 year old started rebelling on the potty training. She had been doing well for about 4 months but almost overnight she decided to wet her pants every chance she got. This went on for around 4 months with no progress whatsoever.

A friend explained to me that my toddler was in desperate need of having something that she could control and potty training is one of the few ways a toddler can have control (food and sleep are two others). When I thought about that, I was able to accept it easier; I was even sort of proud of her for figuring out how to meet her own needs (strange as it sounds). I decided to drop all expectations as far as potty was concerned and just let her wear a diaper 24/7. She soon started wanting her diaper off to go pee, then back on again after. If I put underwear on her, she would wet them every time. So again, I let go and allowed her to wear her diaper and use the potty at will. It was a long process but now she is back to normal potty behavior.

I haven't experienced much in the way of tantrums, other than the usual 3 year old stuff. Hang in there!

[USAmma]

You could have described my 3yo when my baby was born, too. Except she had some horrid tantrums pre-baby, too. They just got worse and worse.

3 is a very hard age no matter what. It's one of those little secrets you don't discover until you have a 3yo. You are so focused on the 2's that when the 3's hit you are sent reeling.

Have faith. She's adjusting to so much. She's outgrowing babyhood but not yet a kid. She's not sure which one she wants right now (thus going back to diapers). She'll get it all figured out. 4 is a wonderful, wonderful age. Just giving you something to look forward to.

In the meantime find other outlets for your dd. Set out paints and play-doh every day for her. Let her take a long bath in the middle of the day so she can chill. Rock her after the baby is down for a nap. Try to take her out for ice cream or a walk in the park, just the two of you, at least once a week.

[Bearsmama]

Yes, this happened with us last year when DS#2 arrived. It broke my heart. And to be completely honest, and I probably shouldn't say this, but my DS#1 has been changed forever by the birth of #2. It's been over a year now, and we still have to remind him to be gentle, to be calm around DS#2 b/c he's smaller, etc. We've had a rough year. I think, though, that siblings ARE just SUPPOSED to be change the older child. It just happens. And I have faith that it will get better for you. But just take it day by day. It will get better. You're all trying to get to know each other in a different way now. :hug

[mommyofshmoo]

I'm right there with ya, with a three year old and a four week old.

The thing is that I flew home with the girls to spend 2 weeks with my family when dd#2 was 10 days old.

Before the trip my dd#1 was A MESS!!!!! She is a very sensitive and spirited kid- your description could have described her BEFORE the baby, after the baby she was a nightmare.

The trip was tough- with the extreme adjustment and being away from daddy (long story) and away from home. But it was nice to be with family and doing difgferent stuff.

Now that we are back, dd#1 is a lot better. Lots of the time I'd say she's about the same as she was before the birth, actually.

If you can, I'd say get the heck out opf dodge for a while- get out of your old routine and "the way things were." Have an adventure as a family. When you get home, maybe things will be better.

Good luck!

[fiddledebi]

Thank you, everyone. It's good to hear that this is common (I kind of figured it was) and that most people find it is temporary. I do adore this little girl so much...and I know that she's in there, still. She comes out a few times a day for a few minutes, but I dread transitions and any time I have to ask her to do something she hasn't thought of herself. :(

We're just muddling through. I hope she feels better soon. Thank you again!

[Suzetta]

Just keep loving your daughter, and keep explaining to her that the baby is just a baby, and also needs everybody's love. By encouraging her to "help" love the baby, you will build a strong relationship.

I think I would just switch to pullups or other training pants for a while, and not even discuss the potty issue.

Lastly, the birth of a baby sister has dramatically changed my dd--for the better. She has learned that she is not the center of the universe, but has also learned to love her sister. It just takes lots of loving support from mom and dad.