pjabslenz
09-11-2005, 02:55 PM
My name is Janetann & I have been "lurking" in the P&BL boards since 31 July, when I began spotting during my 3rd pregnancy. Before sharing my experience, I would first like to thank everyone for sharing your experiences, your kind words and offering your support. I have shed tears while reading your experiences & found so much comfort and peace here that I can't begin to thank you enough. Also, I would like to add that I am so sorry for all of your losses & that anyone has to walk this journey. May each of you find the peace, comfort and support you deserve as you embark on this path of healing.
We found out this summer that we were expecting baby #3. We were shocked but excited! Now mind you, we know it only takes one time but we figured we'd be pregnant in or around October(our lucky month). Despite our shock, we were thrilled to be pregnant and began sharing our news with friends and family, dreaming what life with 3 kids would be like, and realizing my dream of a homebirth could be a reality. Life was grand and we couldn't be more blessed.
Thinking back, I knew in my mind that something wasn't right but was hopeful that this time around things would be different. You see, I've had two healthy, full term pregnancies and I had no reason to suspect that this one would be different. I had morning sickness, from 6-12 weeks with both of my pregnancies. With my first pregnancy, my ds, I suffered mild nausea and could control it with snacks and "grazing through the first trimester." With my second pregnancy, my dd, I had horrible morning sickness and threw up at least 4 times a day. I tried everything possible and couldn't get a handle on the vomiting or nausea. When I reached the 6 week mark with this pregnancy I didn't have any sickness or fatigue. My only pregnancy symptoms were my missed period and tender breasts. Once I found out I was pregnant I focused on packing in the high nutrient foods and was hopeful that the extra nutrients were helping to curb any morning sickness. I often commented to my dh that I didn't feel pregnant this time and was pleased that I was feeling so great.
This brings me to the week I will never forget. It was Sunday, 31 July, when I began spotting. I remember feeling worried and nervous for myself and our baby but was also hopeful because I knew spotting was common during the first trimester. I even have an aunt who spotted during her pregnancy and carried her baby to term so this was reassuring for me. I calmly told dh and my sister, decided to do my own research online and email my friend and midwife(from my 1st pregnancy). I felt confident that I needed to rest, watch for warning signs and just let things happen naturally. I knew in my heart that if I was losing the pregnancy and couldn't control what was happening to my body, I needed to stay home!
By Tuesday morning, I was still spotting and had been experiencing mild cramping. I still felt confident about staying home but decided to call our PCM to give them a heads up. With our busy summer, I never did sign on with a midwife so I was stuck with our PCM. The nurse suggested I come in for a blood test to check my HCG levels, so I scheduled it for Wednesday morning. By Wednesday afternoon the results confirmed what I already knew was happening. My HCG levels were in the 1200's. With a normal, healthy 8w pregnancy my levels should have been much higher. The nurse informed me that the doctor needed to compare my levels and was requesting another blood draw for Friday morning. I declined and told her I already know I'm losing the pregnancy and feel confident just waiting for my body to do everything naturally. IMO, she tried to instill some fear and informed me how important it is to be certain my levels return to 0. She mentioned that I could hemorrhage, get an infection and if my levels weren't 0 I would need a D&C. I thanked her for her concern and support and told her I would be sure to contact them if I experienced any problems. I had consulted with my midwife friend, felt confident I was doing the right thing and knew everything would be alright.
TMI
On Wednesday evening, my cramping/contractions became more uncomfortable. I took 2 pain pills and decided to rest. At 3:30am, on 4 August, I awoke to a warm gush and knew immediately that I needed to get to the toilet. While waiting for our baby to pass I had done lots of praying. I prayed that I needed to see our baby and for me those prayers were answered. When I got to the toilet, I pulled my pants down and noticed a tiny sac resting on my pad. I gently placed our baby on some tissue and tended to my own needs. I noticed a thin stream of blood just pouring out of me but I wasn't frightened. I felt such a sense of peace. I called out to dh to get me some new underwear and clothes and let him know I passed our baby. Once I was changed, dh and I examined our baby. I carefully placed the sac in a snack bag and placed it in our freezer. Early Friday morning, almost 24 hours after passing our baby, I passed the placenta. I carefully examined it and froze it also.
Dh and I plan to have a private memorial for our baby. We have thought long and hard as to where we should bury our baby and have decided to take our little sac back to Pittsburgh, PA and bury it at my Gramma's grave. I feel a strong need to give our baby back to the earth and feel such a sense of peace by burying it close to my Gramma. For us, dh is in the military so we move often and we need to know our baby is in a place that we can visit if needed.
Three days after my mc, my 6y/o and 2y/o were curious about the baby. I answered all questions as honestly as possible and gave them the opportunity to examine our baby and my placenta. The experience was very healing for all and I can honestly say, not many people have such an opportunity.
After examining our sac and from the information I have researched, I feel confident our baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. I didn't hand our sac over to the PCM for further testing and feel I don't need to know why. I feel very fortunate that my mc happened quickly and that I didn't experience any problems. I have 2 healthy children and pray that we can have more but I know we are richly blessed. I am a strong woman and I will be okay but I also have to remember that it is okay for me to grieve the loss of our baby. I find it odd that family & friends just expect that I will be okay, want me to get over it and some didn't even acknowledge our loss. To me this is more painful than talking about our baby and the loss we experienced. I know in my heart our spirit baby is waiting for the right time to join our family.
:hug,
Janetann
Aidan 7/25/99
Adison 7/21/03
^i^ 8/4/05
We found out this summer that we were expecting baby #3. We were shocked but excited! Now mind you, we know it only takes one time but we figured we'd be pregnant in or around October(our lucky month). Despite our shock, we were thrilled to be pregnant and began sharing our news with friends and family, dreaming what life with 3 kids would be like, and realizing my dream of a homebirth could be a reality. Life was grand and we couldn't be more blessed.
Thinking back, I knew in my mind that something wasn't right but was hopeful that this time around things would be different. You see, I've had two healthy, full term pregnancies and I had no reason to suspect that this one would be different. I had morning sickness, from 6-12 weeks with both of my pregnancies. With my first pregnancy, my ds, I suffered mild nausea and could control it with snacks and "grazing through the first trimester." With my second pregnancy, my dd, I had horrible morning sickness and threw up at least 4 times a day. I tried everything possible and couldn't get a handle on the vomiting or nausea. When I reached the 6 week mark with this pregnancy I didn't have any sickness or fatigue. My only pregnancy symptoms were my missed period and tender breasts. Once I found out I was pregnant I focused on packing in the high nutrient foods and was hopeful that the extra nutrients were helping to curb any morning sickness. I often commented to my dh that I didn't feel pregnant this time and was pleased that I was feeling so great.
This brings me to the week I will never forget. It was Sunday, 31 July, when I began spotting. I remember feeling worried and nervous for myself and our baby but was also hopeful because I knew spotting was common during the first trimester. I even have an aunt who spotted during her pregnancy and carried her baby to term so this was reassuring for me. I calmly told dh and my sister, decided to do my own research online and email my friend and midwife(from my 1st pregnancy). I felt confident that I needed to rest, watch for warning signs and just let things happen naturally. I knew in my heart that if I was losing the pregnancy and couldn't control what was happening to my body, I needed to stay home!
By Tuesday morning, I was still spotting and had been experiencing mild cramping. I still felt confident about staying home but decided to call our PCM to give them a heads up. With our busy summer, I never did sign on with a midwife so I was stuck with our PCM. The nurse suggested I come in for a blood test to check my HCG levels, so I scheduled it for Wednesday morning. By Wednesday afternoon the results confirmed what I already knew was happening. My HCG levels were in the 1200's. With a normal, healthy 8w pregnancy my levels should have been much higher. The nurse informed me that the doctor needed to compare my levels and was requesting another blood draw for Friday morning. I declined and told her I already know I'm losing the pregnancy and feel confident just waiting for my body to do everything naturally. IMO, she tried to instill some fear and informed me how important it is to be certain my levels return to 0. She mentioned that I could hemorrhage, get an infection and if my levels weren't 0 I would need a D&C. I thanked her for her concern and support and told her I would be sure to contact them if I experienced any problems. I had consulted with my midwife friend, felt confident I was doing the right thing and knew everything would be alright.
TMI
On Wednesday evening, my cramping/contractions became more uncomfortable. I took 2 pain pills and decided to rest. At 3:30am, on 4 August, I awoke to a warm gush and knew immediately that I needed to get to the toilet. While waiting for our baby to pass I had done lots of praying. I prayed that I needed to see our baby and for me those prayers were answered. When I got to the toilet, I pulled my pants down and noticed a tiny sac resting on my pad. I gently placed our baby on some tissue and tended to my own needs. I noticed a thin stream of blood just pouring out of me but I wasn't frightened. I felt such a sense of peace. I called out to dh to get me some new underwear and clothes and let him know I passed our baby. Once I was changed, dh and I examined our baby. I carefully placed the sac in a snack bag and placed it in our freezer. Early Friday morning, almost 24 hours after passing our baby, I passed the placenta. I carefully examined it and froze it also.
Dh and I plan to have a private memorial for our baby. We have thought long and hard as to where we should bury our baby and have decided to take our little sac back to Pittsburgh, PA and bury it at my Gramma's grave. I feel a strong need to give our baby back to the earth and feel such a sense of peace by burying it close to my Gramma. For us, dh is in the military so we move often and we need to know our baby is in a place that we can visit if needed.
Three days after my mc, my 6y/o and 2y/o were curious about the baby. I answered all questions as honestly as possible and gave them the opportunity to examine our baby and my placenta. The experience was very healing for all and I can honestly say, not many people have such an opportunity.
After examining our sac and from the information I have researched, I feel confident our baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. I didn't hand our sac over to the PCM for further testing and feel I don't need to know why. I feel very fortunate that my mc happened quickly and that I didn't experience any problems. I have 2 healthy children and pray that we can have more but I know we are richly blessed. I am a strong woman and I will be okay but I also have to remember that it is okay for me to grieve the loss of our baby. I find it odd that family & friends just expect that I will be okay, want me to get over it and some didn't even acknowledge our loss. To me this is more painful than talking about our baby and the loss we experienced. I know in my heart our spirit baby is waiting for the right time to join our family.
:hug,
Janetann
Aidan 7/25/99
Adison 7/21/03
^i^ 8/4/05