September 12th, my due date

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Tommorow will be my due date. I found out that we lost Therese on March23, I just can't believe so much time has pasted. To say the least it has been a very difficult time.

Not only the miscarriage, but on Aug. 5 I suffered from 2 grand mal seizures. Turns out I had a small bleed in my brain. They eventually sent me home from the hospital, where I had 2 more concurrent seizures that they couldn't stop till I got to the hospital, and to top it all of I dislocated my right shoulder during the seizures. But the worst part of that whole episode is that dh and I were going to ttc that night I had my first seizures, and now I am being counseled that I probably shouldn't take the risk of getting pregnant again.

I had been so excited about getting pregnant again. I already had out all my pregnancy books, had even started to be able to see baby clothes again without crying. Now, not only dealing with trying to make sure that everything is OK in my brain, being on antiseizure medication, getting different answers from each doctor, I am dealing with the prospect that I will not be having any other children, and now my due date :( . I am overwhelmed, and I want to rage at the world. I want my little girl. I should be either holding her in my arms or at least expecting her anytime now. Instead, all I have is her ultrasound picture, but of course I have the wonderful MRIs, and cat scans and xrays and eegs of my broken brain to get me by :bawl :hopmad I know it is immature and doesn't really matter, but it is NOT FAIR!!

[BumbleBena]

Catherine :hug

I'm so sorry. I'm also sorry I don't have any advice to offer, but I wanted to let you know that you and Therese are in my thoughts and prayers.

:candle Therese :candle

[coralsmom]

catherine,
i want you to know how much i am thinking of you today- we took a hike on a gorgeous windswept ocean path this afternoon, and the entire time i was thinking about coral, and then therese and you and your family came into my mind... how important she was and how wanted and loved she was... i am so sorry i had forgotten your due date. therese lives within my life...she is so real within my heart, as are you and chris and your boys.

you have had a world of terrible things happening all one on top of the other- and after reading your post, i just felt such an outpouring of love and support for you, especially in anticipation of tomorrow (also my sister's birthday, and my much loved doggie's birthday, sally...). please know that we are thinking of you. many, many hugs are being sent to you, catherine!!!

in regards to the ttc... my grief therapist pointed out to us last week that while we are ttc, we also should be open to the idea that we will be parents one day- whether it be from our efforts to concieve and birth, or the opening of our lives to an adopted child... at first when she said this i was upset- i want to be pregnant again, and i don't want to face any problems on top of what we are already experiencing...i don't know what the future holds for us in regards to ttc... so far, no luck... but we are ready now to be parents... coral's arrival in our lives taught us this- so if our child is coming from some different source other than my own womb, so be it- it is so complicated...

at this point in my grieving, i am so distracted, disjointed, foggy, and fragmented. i hope my words don't confuse.

take care catherine... :hug :hug :hug coralsmom

[egoldber]

:hug I'm so sorry. Anniversaries are so incredibly hard. And then being told not to TTC again must be like grieving all over again. I know that some days, looking forward to TTC again is all that holds me together.

:candle Therese

[coleslaw]

:hug mama It isn't fair - scream it as loud as you need to!

[Len]

I will be thinking of Therese today. I am very sorry you are going through so much right now. Please take care of yourself.

:candle Therese

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Thank you all so much. As usual you all bring me such comfort when things are bad. I hadn't really planned anything for today (although my mom asked what I would be doing to distract myself from today :LOL . I know she meant well, but I think it is hard for someone who hasn't been through this to really understand.)

What I have decided to do is to get an unfinished wooden box and decorate it, and put everything I have of Therese in there, all the cards, the ultrasound, and very importantly many of my posts about her and my misscariage, and some of the most beautiful and touching responses I've gotten from all of you. All of you here have been such an unbelievable support. Each and every word that you have written to me over the past few months have meant so much to me and helped pull me through. The posts I have made have ended up to be a journal through my grief, pain, anger, sadness, and joy.

I realize from reading them that although I am sad a raw right now, I have come a long way, and in some ways my Therese has become even more real to me over the months. She is no longer a thought or dream, but actually seems to be a presence in my life, always in the backround looking out for me and our family. She is my guardian angel.

Coralsmom-
You and coral are always in my thoughts. My dh asks about you often, knowing what a support you have been to me throughout this time. Many of the posts I am going to put into Therese's memorial are from you. Coral and Therese are so connected in my mind, that I cannot think of one without the other, so that is quite often! I know you will have a baby to hold in your arms and to grow with you someday, and I know that no matter how that baby comes to you, that baby will be incredibly lucky to have you as a mommy, and to have Coral to watch out for you all. Your words, as usual are not a bit confusing, but a welcome clarity at a time of quite a bit of chaos in my life. Thank you! :throb

[taradt]

Wishing you peace today Mama.
You have every right to be upset, Any Mama that losses a child has every right to scream, cry and gripe about how unfair it is :Hug

Thinking of you and Therese today

tara

[JLav]

:candle I'm thinking of you, Therese and your whole family today. :Hug

[Maderella]

Mama

I am thinking of you and your baby girl today. My due date is coming up, Sept 21st and I can feel the pain becoming closer to the surface again. I lost my Annie in May and found out that to try to get pregnant again would be possible but not encouraged.

There is a similarity to our situations. I hope your day today is spent with love around you. You are in my thoughts.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Maderella-
I am so sorry that anyone else has to go through this at all. Right now I am not only grieving my Therese, but the hope of having more children. Similar to you, I could get pregnant, and usually do at the drop of a hat, but have been advised by 2 doctors that the risk would be higher to me and therefore the baby, and with three healthy boys, is it really worth the risk. I so very want another baby, but as a mother just don't think I can take the risk of leaving my boys and dh without a mom and mother. On the other hand the neurosurgeon didn't seem to think it would be a problem, if my cerbral angiogram comes back clean. It makes me want to scream, so therefore I have to choose :( !

I have to say that today has brought a certain amount of peace to me. Finding and decorating the box to put all things Therese into with my dh was somewhat like having a funeral in a very strange way. I sobbed over each item I put in, but also smiled through the tears at knowing that she is still very much a part of our family. My 6 year old had me write a note to Therese to go into the box. It said, "I miss you Therese. I wish you were here. I love you." and the 4 yr old made two beautiful pictures to put in the box too. They each put a flower sticker on the box also, my 4 yr old picked a tiny flower out to put on the box because "Therese was very small in mommy's belly" :crying.

My dh was an equal partner in helping me decorate the box and even picked out many of the things we put on it :throb . I think sometimes even though he is much quieter about his grief, and probably is a bit further from it, I sometimes forget how he lost a baby girl too. I kept telling him as we were decorating the box and he was asking if he could put certain things on, "She was your daughter too, put whatever you want where you want it."

It turned out so pretty, flowers and butterflies, dragon flies, her name, and just because I know growing up in this family with 3 older brothers, she wouldn't have been too much of a girly girl, we put lady bugs, beetles,and caterpillars in amoungst the flowers :) . I know I will always feel her presence in every family picture, or when someone asks, "wow all boys, are you going to try for a girl?", because I already have one.