Emotional Rollercoaster

[pjabslenz]

On 4 September, exactly one month after passing our baby, I got my period. I had estimated the week it would arrive and it came exactly mid week. My body is like clock work and I know that physically, I am back to normal. I was expecting my period but not the wave of emotions that came along with it. They hit me hard!

In the time since my mc I have been irritable, impatient, snippy with my children and isolating myself. I don't want to be out in public, go to church, talk to family and I've even started avoiding friends. I hate that people expect me to be okay. I feel like I am screaming inside but have no one to lean on. My dh has been great! He's been so caring and concerned, pitching in more with our children and there when I need him. The problem is he's one that expects me to be okay and doesn't understand why I'm not. When he's asking if I'm okay.....I'm lying to myself and him and telling him I am okay instead of facing my feelings head on. I'm tired of wearing a mask!

I also realize having my period is a good sign because we can start trying again. However, I am hesitant to be pregnant so soon & I will continue to give myself time to heal emotionally but if I should become pregnant again before we plan it.......a baby would be welcomed with excitement, loving hearts & open arms.

Thanks for listening,
Janetann

[mimi_n_tre]

Hi Janetann,
Don't you hate it when no one replies. I know, I'm still waiting for a reply on one of mine, about my husband also.
So anyways, it's been five days since mine and I know how you feel. I guess you can say I'm kindof on the rag too. I've pretty much isolated myself at home and another manager at work has called me three times now, and I really don't want to talk to her. I said I would work this weekend but the owner took me off and said he'd work, and I now don't really think I want to go next week either since the mortuary still hasn't called and probably won't until next week.
I have a good reason too why I don't want to go out. People are so ignorant. I had to go to the dentist today and was supposed to get an approval from my doctor to say that I could have a filling done, due to the fact that the shot of anesthesia that they give you can cause contractions. Well, nevertheless, I had a stillborn on Saturday and really wanted to get my filling done since I have braces and they needed to get it filled before they could do any more work.
So I go in and the secretary lady asks me if I had my approval. I said I'm not anymore. So she makes me write down that I am no longer pregnant. Next, the receptionist in the back calls and says that for the "doctor's" purpose she needs to know why I am no longer pregnant. Did I terminate the pregnancy,? etc... I told her, without looking at her of course, that he was stillborn on Saturday. So she writes down that and sends me to wait again. I get called back and another girl comes up to me and asks, " We just need to know if you're still pregnant?" I got so pissed. I turned the other way and said "I already told the other lady and it should be in there that he was stillborn." So she walked out quickly, and another lady comes in and say " sorry for your loss, and sorry we asked you twice about your baby." That was it, I didn't want to but I started to cry. Ugh. I hate some people, just let it alone already.
Sorry, had to vent a little. So I'm happy that you're thinking of trying once again. Just think you might have a little one to hold this time next year. Hopefully we both will.
Much love to you and your family.
-----Mary

[pumpkinseed]

Hi Janetann,
I just wanted to say that I am sorry you lost your baby and that you are going through this. The emotional rollercoster is a hard one to be on. Just take all the time you need-truth be told you will never be "over it"-you will carry it with you every day-but those days will get better-and you will eventually want to get back out into the world. People can say the dumbest things to you. Just ignore them. I found that when people were asking me how I was doing-I started being truthful. I would tell them -not very well-I dont think that is what they wanted to hear-but it made me feel better. I didnt want a pity party-just acknowledgement of my feelings and my baby. This is not something to sweep under the rug and move on-not an illness for you to get over, it was your baby. Try to talk with your husband about how you are feeling. I know that was very hard for me as well-because I found it hard to put my feelings into words. Maybe if you tried to write your feelings down first-so that you would have words to use with him so that he could understand? He might never "know" your pain, but maybe he can understand it.
Big hugs to you and may you find your peace.
Roxanne

[pjabslenz]

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. It has been crazy and I am about tired of this rollercoaster ride. I feel like I am driving myself crazy and I know it is affecting my dh and kiddos. That's what I hate the most. It does help knowing that the feelings I am having are common.

Pumpkinseed you are right. I have started being honest with family and friends when they ask how I am and I find the same to be true. Most don't want to know the truth....they'd rather hear "I'm Okay" and go about their business. When I am truthful and let them know how I am honestly feeling, I am faced with the awkward silence, end of conversations, no replies to emails, etc. I realize most don't know what to say and they aren't sure how to respond but there have been a handful of family & friends that have listened, comforted and supported me when I share my feelings truthfully. Overall, the support & comfort I have received here is something I never imagined.

I am sorry for your losses.

:hug
Janetann