School Issues

[ParisAnne]

I posted this on the school age board too, but I wanted to get as much imput as possible.

On the way home I was asking my dd, Payton, almost 4, if there was anyone else she wanted to invite to her party from school. She was telling me about two of the boys she liked at school. She mentioned Reed and I asked her what she and Reed do at school and she said ‘Reed likes the pretend he has a knife and says ‘I’m going to cut you’re head off’”

What?! I mean I don’t think I’m being overly protective to not want my dd playing with kids who already, at 4, are playing so violently. This is her second year in this Montessori school (she mentioned other violent stuff too, like Batman killing the bad guys) I feel rather stuff in this situation. I love her school, but not so much a lot of the kids there, and the yuppy families they come from. I know boys are different and she’ll always run in to ones who like to play like this. But am I wrong for wanting to surround her with kids from families that have beliefs more like ours?

I’ve recently started up an Eco-friendly housecleaning business. So I feel like if I left this school it would ruin my chances of getting cleaning jobs (already have two) If I had to bring her with me too often I’d have to waste time on the job worrying about what she was touching. We’d originally wanted to do something more like co-op schooling as we don’t plan on putting her in public school, but we fell in love with this Montessori school when looking at various ones in our area. I’m used to being able to leave her there when I need to, and I REALLY appreciate having some time to myself.

Ug, I don’t know what to do right now and would appreciate advice from people with more experience.

[alegna]

Honestly? Since she seems to like him it could just be a goofy kid thing. When I taught 3-6 year olds they all had their own quirks. A comment like that might not have had a scary or violent meaning to a little kid. In your shoes I might tell my dd that I don't like to talk about hurting people.

-Angela

[maya44]

Honestly? Since she seems to like him it could just be a goofy kid thing. When I taught 3-6 year olds they all had their own quirks. A comment like that might not have had a scary or violent meaning to a little kid. In your shoes I might tell my dd that I don't like to talk about hurting people.

-Angela


ITA!!!!

[cmb123]

Honestly, you will run into this where ever you go. Unless you homeschool AND never leave the house. Keep open discussions with her, tell her how you feel about certain things, and trust her to make good choices. That is the best any of us can do.
Unless you start to notice something "up" with her, I wouldn't worry (although I can understand the panic you feel when your "baby" who is barely of the breast, is talking about such things!)

[dharmamama]

I remember when I was young, the popular phrase was, "I was so mad I could have killed him/her." I remember my mom telling me she didn't like for me to say that and having long talks with me about how violence is not the answer to anger. I always kinda felt like :scratch because I never had any intention of killing anyone, nor was I really angry enough to want to kill anyone. It was just what we said. And I was young ... like K-2nd grade.

If my sweet little babies ever said anything like that, I don't think I would be able to refrain from :jaw and then giving them the same lecture and sounding like my mom, and I think they would probably react the same way I did. It's all different from the mom's perspective.

I wholeheartedly believe that language shapes our perception and our reality. I also believe that it takes more than just language to mold someone. My kids are not exposed to violence. I think language is just one thing in a whole synergistic mix that can create something bad.

So, maybe mention to your daughter that that type of language makes you uncomfortable and then just chalk it up to kids being kids. Even the nice ones say shocking things sometimes.

Namaste!

[meemee]

in our case the shoe is on teh other foot. my dd has started talk like that ever since our cat miscarried. i dont think that has anything to do with upbringing or style of parenting. i think it has a lot to do with the child's imagination. and my dd has started questioning death and afterlife too.

that kind of talk is usually more common amongst boys. my dd is certainly more of a tomboy.

i have talked to my dd to figure out what she means and she has no clue about the seriousness of it. she thinks like in the story she told me yesterday that kill is like hibernation (i infered that about the polar bear in an igloo). u r out of action for a while but then u get up and get going.

i dont tell her anything. i explained it one time and left it at that. she is the type who rescues spiders (even though she is scared of them) and flies on brooms to put them out of the house.

[cmb123]

that kind of talk is usually more common amongst boys. my dd is certainly more of a tomboy.



Maybe, maybe not. I think more people "expect" it from boys, and don't get as shocked, or bother to do anything about it, because it's part of some sort of gender stereotype. "Boys will be boys."

[flapjack]

My youngest has been known to say this. (paraphrasing wildly.) He has no major psychological issues that anyone has picked up on, doesn't have guns, etc at home and is a normal well-adjusted kid with a tendency to talk before he thinks. A stern look or a "sorry, I didn't catch that. What did you say?" is normally all it takes.
Also, don't forget that there is a big difference between Isaac/ Reed and Batman/ the town sheriff/ Henry VIII / Robin Hood/ a pirate. Did Reed say that, or did Captain Hook?
Of course, you could always meet this little boy- see what you think? It sounds like he might be an imaginative little lad, though.

[mammastar2]

My daughter is 4, and death and killing have become much more prominent in her nattering and her imaginative play lately. She's very interested in what happens when we're dead - do we eat, do we walk, do we talk? She plays a lot with her stuffed toys and dolls, with running commentary about them being squished and being DEAD (much emphasis!) and then being better and then being DEAD (emphasis again!), over and over...It also comes up when she's talking about people, too.

It's a new concept and she's fascinated by it, although she's a very gentle, sweet kid. I don't associate her fascination with violence, just with trying to figure out a pretty big thing, and using her imagination to work through it. It may well be that some of the kids in your daughter's class are at the same stage, too.

[Magella]

Sooner or later, as someone else pointed out, your child will encounter this type of play unless you find a way to completely isolate her. I don't think it will harm her in any way. I believe that this kind of talk and play is very common, and often also helps children cope with some of their natural aggressive feelings-it lets them safely explore their aggressive feelings and to feel powerful. Sure, the "I'm going to cut your head off" comment is a little over the top and I find myself thinking this child must watch tv that's inappropriate for his age, which may explain his comment- maybe he's trying to work out what cutting someone's head off means or how he felt when he heard or saw whatever led to his knowing about cutting heads off. Talk of Batman or some other hero killing bad guys is very common kid stuff. Kids this age don't understand death and killing and violence the same way we do, and I don't think these kind of games mean they'll grow up to be violent people. They're just using play to work out their understanding of the world and their own feelings.

My son, who is as kind and sweet and gentle a person as you're likely to meet, loves to pretend he's a superhero "getting" or "killing" bad guys. A bad guy is not a person and is dead/gotten when he lays down-and I think that when kids play at killing or dying they're trying to work out their own understanding of death. My son likes to play at feeling powerful and heroic-this is exciting to a small child who is becoming aware of his relative smallness and powerlessness. This play does not lead him to be aggressive with his sisters or friends. It's just play. We talk a lot about how we don't hurt others and we don't pretend to kill people (this is why my son now "gets" bad guys instead of killing them), and we tell him that he can pretend what he wants as long as no one gets hurt and whoever he's playing with is having fun (as opposed to getting scared, annoyed, whatever). I have no worries about him growing up to be violent. These games just don't mean that to him. It's not about violence in his mind. He's not going to make his friends or sisters violent by playing these games around them. And I'm confident he'll outgrow it.

When my first child was reaching preschool age and met children who played these games, when she had questions or seemed upset by it or even just curious about it we talked first about how she felt about it and what she thought about it. Then we talked (as we often did) about how we are always gentle with others and how it's wrong to hurt others. We talked about how some kids like to play those games, but not because they like to hurt people-it's just pretend.

[flyingspaghettimama]

I would also like to suggest the book "Playful Parenting" by Laurence (?) Cohen, which addresses this issue. I was all worked up about it too. Kids at this age I think also start to be VERY aware of death, illness, hurt, and need to find a way to process it. You could use the opportunity to talk about how serious of a hurt that might be; and ask open-ended questions to her about being hurt, dying, etc. We haven't sheltered our daughter from some of the sad parts of life (impossible) so for us, the most important thing to stress is what is pretend and what is real; and how sad the real thing is. I personally don't like talk like this, so I say she can keep it in her room or with her friends where I can't hear it. Same with the potty talk (hasn't your daughter come home with THAT joy yet?).

I'm sure it's not the school - at most Montessori schools the teachers are extremely proactive about stopping such talk altogether and not allowing in toys (including violent ones) from home. However, when the teachers can't overhear their conversations, uh...yeah. All sorts of fascinating things come home. She doesn't watch TV shows yet knows all about Pokemon superpowers. Whatevah!

[meemee]

Maybe, maybe not. I think more people "expect" it from boys, and don't get as shocked, or bother to do anything about it, because it's part of some sort of gender stereotype. "Boys will be boys."

yes u r absolutely right.