Did AP come naturally to you?

[mamakay]

This is sort of a spinoff of the "AP is on it's way out" thread.
I wasn't AP'd at all as far as I know, but I really went into mommy-auto-pilot when ds was born. I had no idea what AP was till he was almost one, but I ended up being AP (for the most part) without ever knowing the name of my parenting method.

I *had* read child development books, and heard about attachment theory, etc.
And although I thought the "What to Expect" books sounded reasonable enough, I vowed while I was pregnant to just go with my gut and not just do what books said was best.

What about you all? Do you think being raised mainstream hindered your AP instincts? Why do you think AP comes easier to some people?

[starlein26]

oops i hit submit twice. :duh
see below.

[starlein26]

i like your question "Why do you think AP comes easier to some people?"
i personally think that any parent who practices ap is very introspective (or they were lucky enough to be raised ap). they have analyzed their upbringing, seeing the good and definitely the bad, in a way that the mainstream hasn't. i think that parents who choose more mainstream methods probably use denial as their coping mechanism. they choose not to see the link between who they are as adults and how their parents raised them, thus they parent the way they were parented almost accidently, simply due to a lack of deep thought. parents who choose ap, a more intimate and challenging style know that their children will benefit because they know what destroyed them and what worked.

does that make any sense?

[jaye]

In my late teens and 20s, the only people I knew having children were my sisters and a few friends who were all AP - although I didn't learn that term until after I had my first. Breastfeeding, slings, co-sleeping, no circ, etc was the norm. We all knew my mother hadn't breastfed but the reason was always "it was discouraged in those days" (50's and early 60's). Now I realize how lucky I was to have such cool older sisters!

[johub]

My oldest dd was 10 before I Ever heard the words Attachment Parenting.
But I was always one of those people. Some people are dog people, some people are cat people. I have always been a baby person.
Even as a kid I would talk to babies at the grocery store go help them stop their tears, and I played in homes with babies rather than kids my age.
When I had my oldest daughter I couldnt afford books. I did not have a single one, so all I had was my experience and my gut.
I never heard of a sling, but I had a Gerry tummy pack (way before the Baby Bjorn days) and I would wear her while I shopped, and I would push the groceries home in the stroller while I held her.
The sound of a baby crying has always been agonizingly painful to me, even as a child. There is no way I would ever have been able to let a baby cry if there was something I could do to stop it.
I breastfed because I was poor, and that's what they're for.
I thought I "invented" cosleeping (had never heard the term either) when I realized what a miracle nursing lying down was.
As a single mom I slept with my dd for most of her first 8 years.
I wasnt a perfect mama.
I weaned her too early because I had to start working, and she cried the whole time. (in hindsight I might have found another solution if I had looked further, but I had never heard of LLL either)
For years I just did what made life easier. I called myself a "lazy" parent.
Now I know that there are very good reasons why these solutions worked best and it is not laziness at all.

joline

[trmpetplaya]

I could never raise a child in the detached way. I was lucky enough to be breastfed (and see my mother breastfeed my siblings) and my parents kept us in a bassinet by their bed for at least 6 months though that's about where the AP ended. I'm not much into making bottles when there's already food heated to the perfect temperature that's almost free made to order. I'm not much into getting up out of a nice warm bed in the middle of the night to pick up a baby who is lonely and frustrated because I couldn't get there sooner. I'm also really not into strollers and not being able to walk up stairs and getting the wheels stuck :irked:

I could go on and on about that...

love and peace. :wave

[Leatherette]

I was doing AP things before I ever heard of the term. I had a sling because they sold them where I did prenatal yoga, and I thought it seemed much cozier and more portable than a stroller. Co-sleeping just happened. Breastfeeding was difficult for me, but I really wanted to stick it out, and did. I could never listen to a baby cry and not respond. The tougher part for me is some of the finer points of gentle discipline. I wish I had the patience to always respond gracefully, as the zen earthmother I aspire to be.

I was not raised AP in any way. I spent a lot of time with babysitters while my parents partied, and was at the recieving end of a lot of shaming discipline and silent treatments (and only a little spanking).

L.

[onthemove]

thankfully I have my best friend to thank for being ap. she grew up with no mom(chose booze and left when she was 3) and she was determined to be the best mom to her children. she is ap and her children are amazing kids and I know her style of parenting and being so in tune with them is why they are so amazing. it really is about doing what comes naturally.

[Llyra]

Certain aspects of AP came naturally. As a matter of fact, until I started reading parenting books/websites I had no idea that there was any such thing as CIO sleep training, for instance, and I just took it for granted that babies should be held as much as possible. And co-sleeping was just one of many options for me, not a controversial thing at all. Those are the things I was raised with. My mom and grandma both believed in holding babies and responding quickly to their needs.

There was no babywearing in my family till I started it, but it just seemed like the natural extension of holding a lot, so that was pretty easy too.

The aspects that did not come naturally were, interestingly, the ones that are less common in my family. Breastfeeding is not something many people in my family had done, and I struggled with it myself. I had very little support for what I was doing. My cousin who nursed her toddler was treated like the family freak for doing it.

So I really do think that we tend naturally to emulate the kind of parenting that we've seen. How our own parents did things, and how other parents we lived close to did things, tend to be our natural impulses with our own children. To do things differently tends to be an effort, something we have to be conscious about.

[dharmamama]

To be honest, I thought it did until I came to MDC and discovered that some people are a lot more inflexible in what they consider to be good parenting. I always parent with certain principles in mind but am flexible in my approach, whereas here I have found people who seem to parent with a list of AP rules in mind and who have preconceived ideas about how to handle things. So, while I think AP came naturally to me, others would probably say I am not AP at all! :LOL

Namaste!

[lilylove]

There were a few different influences that led me to AP, my sis, my mom(she wasn't really very AP then, but is now :) ), a gift suscription to Mothering mag. But I know that the reason, that I followed the advice and ended up parenting this way is because it feels right. I don't think I could have been the kind of parent who does CIO, spanking, and so on. I certainly recieved enough advise urging me to go the other way "just let her cry", "you're spoiling her by holding her so much" :blah But in the end the AP way felt right, so I guess it was there all along. As for why a person is or becomes AP, well maybe it's trust in themselves/thier babies, maybe they see parenting in a different light. Or maybe they have just had the good fortune to have stumbled on to a path that led them here. I do think some people parent in a more mainstreamish way, because they just don't know that there is another way :(

I have often wondered if the more researchy, and the more likely a person is to think outside the box, and think for themselves (as opposed to being spoonfed bad info), if that is the kind of person that is more likely to be the AP kind of parent.

[raleigh_mom]

I said came naturally. It was very much what was in my heart.

However, it was not what was common in my community. The difference for me was: education, education, education.... (and support).

By that, I mean I was super lucky after DD1 was born to become part of a mom's group sponsored by the hospital where she was born in Atlanta. The group was run by a nurse turned mom's educator/lactation consultant who believed very much in AP. Without her information, encouragement, and support, I don't know if I could have kept it up.

[Lucky]

I feel like I was AP before I knew what AP was.
Luckily, I was invited to join a playgroup where other moms were AP. i think that without support, I may have been swayed to be more mainstream. Society makes AP seem weird, IMO. AP feels natural to me.

[sweetest]

Luckily Im the type of person who researches everything to death, so as I read more while I was pg, the more AP I became. But I had to "unlearn" a lot. I knew I was going to breastfeed, my mom was a LLL leader in the early 80s, but the rest of it was foreign to me. My mom is one of those in the "brestfeeding but not AP" category (she cded because my parents were poor :LOL )

Especially in the area of gentle disipline I have to be very aware of not doing what my parents did. AP is getting harder for me as dd gets older :o

[Little_Ladybug]

I chose "for the most part". It came pretty natural, but don't get me wrong, I had those moments (mostly at 3am :LOL ) where I thought I could possibly be be "spoiling" her. But I'm glad I let my instincts take control, I have a beautiful, smart, and happy daughter today!

[Mothernature]

...
Especially in the area of gentle disipline I have to be very aware of not doing what my parents did. AP is getting harder for me as dd gets older :o


I also felt like I was AP before I had a name for it. It sort of fell into my lap so to speak. I met a midwife when I was thinking about TTC and once you start making those kinds of choices the rest seems like a logical next step.

The transition to gentle discipline has been a bit more challenging for me. I've read and read discipline books, but I really have a poor example from my family of origin and struggle to keep my cool.

[prmom]

I did not know what parenting style I was until I started researching things that I was doing. It apparently had a name and it was AP. I felt less ap once I visited mothering b/c I did not do cloth diapers, organic, and some other stuff like that. I naturally coslept and breastfed and did a lot of other ap stuff just because it came naturally. I remember attending a church and they were doing a session on ezzo before I knew what it was and watching a video and thinking it was all wrong. I was pregnant at the time and couldn't believe people would actually take this stuff seriously. At that time I was coming from a developmental perspective.

I am glad for MDC b/c for the most part I have learned ways to do what I want to do as a parent better. My basic feeling on parenting is to do what comes naturally. Of course not everything comes naturally for me here, but I do appreciate a community where I can go to for suggestions and support.

[soulsistah]

I didn't know that the way my mom had raised us was considered AP, until I started talking to other mommas about my hopes and dreams for my own son. :LOL They were like "Oh you're into AP! Thats interesting" :LOL I guess it came naturally, but I'm also finding it's a day by day, experiance by experiance to raise this adorable little man........Funny thing people immediately say "Oh he's gonna be a momma's boy or he'll be clingy or whatever" and me and my sibs came out very independent with realistic views and expectations of my mom.

[sunshinegal]

Well, I had older sisters that were having babies when I was a teenager and I saw firsthand how the things go bad from the beginning. At that point in my life I was also asking Why? to just about everything so that including their parenting. I saw how people can be so habitually selfish and not put their kids needs first. I saw how their need to look "normal" was more important than loving their own kids. I vowed never to be that way. I vowed that if I just followed my gut feelings things just couldn't go wrong. And so far, they haven't :D

[avivaelona]

I said it came naturally, but honestly I have no idea what natural would have been. I certainly wasn't raised AP and in most ways I'm not crunchy, and I'm not a naturally AP type person. I lost my first baby though and it made it monumentally hard to be seperated at all from my second born, and we were blessed with a second born who is more on the clingy side so I never really made a choice to be AP and I really don't have any strong belief in all of its principals, its just what works for us in practice. I sometimes say that I'm not AP, I'm just neurotic.

I DID make a choice to use gentle discipline, I was raised with hitting and yelling and it wasn't an effective parenting technique for me and I vowed years ago that I wouldn't hit my kids if I could help it, then I worked for years in a classroom and daycare setting with young children and I found that the more GD ways were just far more effective in the long run. GD doesn't come naturally to me at all, I wasn't raised with it, but years of practice have helped me use it more naturally.

Interesting poll.

[sparkprincess]

I chose the second option.

I WISH I could say it came totally naturally to me, but alas, it did not.

For me, my instincts told me to nurse, cuddle, hold, my baby, but I started out motherhood by stiffling those insticts.

Luckily, a good friend gave me a gentle nudge. I started researching and didn't stop! I "gave in" to my instincts and couldn't be happier!

I have often wondered if the more researchy, and the more likely a person is to think outside the box, and think for themselves (as opposed to being spoonfed bad info), if that is the kind of person that is more likely to be the AP kind of parent.

I have wondered this too! I'm a research type of person and am totally into learning and trying new things. I have friends who are the complete opposite and they are total sheeple. They think I'm a hippie or something! :innocent

[MeghansDad]

i was changin diapers and caring for the baby right away and i havent let up any since moment one. So yes, AP is for me

[famousmockngbrd]

Well, the *desire* to AP came easily, but actually doing it sometimes is hard. Like when you have been carrying your DC around for several hours, and your back and arms are sore. Or it's 4:30 AM and you are being simultaneously pummeled by several DC's knees and elbows. Or you have to NIP and people look at you funny.

I'd say AP comes naturally to me but parenting in general is kind of hard.

[moma justice]

i was pretty much APed as a baby by my momma, who was part of aback to the land/hippy tribe of other pretty AP mommas...my mom wore me much more than the other babies b/c i SCREAMED if she did not have me in her arms...
cd, bf, all that was part of it too
unfortunately my mom was convinced that co-sleeping would certainly KILL your baby, so we were all in the crib
*I* hated this as a baby and ended up with her either rocking me for hours all night in the rocking chair, my dad walking the floor with me all night, or me just CIO in my crib....they only did it when they felt sleep deprived...too bad they did not understand that EVERYONE can sleep if baby gets to sleep beside her moma...

so yes AP came very naturally for me....i still feel like an animal mother after 2 years of it.
but on a side note, my only other sister who has kids is not very AP
she does not really co-sleep, does not cloth diaper, does not baby wear (even though her babies were high needs and i offered her a sling...) does not really GD, DOES breast feed but weans around a year, infact her babies are in day care adn they watch a LOT of tv at home ( A LOT!!!!! always on)

she loves her kids and is not a BAD mom, but not really AP.
so how does that happen?

[mamakay]

i was changin diapers and caring for the baby right away and i havent let up any since moment one. So yes, AP is for me
Wow!
I never imagined a dad would respond on this thread!
Here's a story:
When we brought ds home from the hospital, I was still assuming we'd do all the mainstream stuff and eventually use CIO. On the second day of ds's born life, dh said "You know, the first time he cries himself to sleep, his spirit's broken. Let's not ever let that happen, ok?".
And it was like something inside of me fundamentally shifted.
I was dreading CIO while I was pregnant, and dh, who'd never read a word on parenting, just "got it".
Then, a few months ago, I was watching a National Geographic special on, I think it was, Brazilian pigmy natives, and I noticed that all the men carried the toddlers in slings!
I really think much of AP can come just as easily to dads as it can to moms...
Lol...now I'm inspired to do a spinoff poll about men. :)

[annakiss]

I voted definitely, but I was raised AP so maybe I'm not the group you're asking... I didn't know the term AP for quite awhile. One day I was watching TV and heard about it on A Baby Story of all places and turned to DH and said, "Hey! That's what we do! We attachment parent!" I was pretty excited about having a lable. I've gotten well over that excitement as the lable seems to scare the straights. :eyesroll Since coming to MDC I learned there was a whole lot more I could be doing (and lemme tell you, I did alot already).

[artgoddess]

I chose "For the Most Part" but I might have qualified for naturally. I did so many AP things on instinct before I realy knew what it was. I cried and fretted over vaccines more than anyone I knew, but I did go against my better judgement and let DS get the early ones at his baby well check ups. But then I learned more about on MDC and felt more confident and "natural" following my gut and have since stopped vaxing.
Same wht the sling vs. stroller. I hated the darned stroller, and the Bjourn was okay, but DS was plastered in one position in front of me, and I could never get the hange of nursing in the Bjourn. Once I found out more about slings I was so much more at ease and happier.

[meemee]

doing all the typical ap thing came naturally to me. BUT i needed help with GD. not to yell. to really understand thru books and classes i took that she was a baby and not a miniature adult. so i chose the second option.

[Sharlla]

I was raised by a mainstream family but my motherly insticts kicked in when I had my son. i never knew what AP was and was told by so many people to circ when I didn't want to (I didn't listen to them)

[USAmma]

Yes, during the early months with Abi it was easy to be AP. Then she hit toddler years with a bang and it was very hard sometimes to be patient, listen, and other AP things. I made a lot of mistakes with her. She was my first, very spirited, and I had the imprinted memories of my own very non-AP childhood to fall back on. It was hard to fight those demons. I found myself want to say and do what was done to me. The more I do it, the better I get at ignoring them, though.

[Destinye]

Yes, during the early months with Abi it was easy to be AP. Then she hit toddler years with a bang and it was very hard sometimes to be patient, listen, and other AP things. I made a lot of mistakes with her. She was my first, very spirited, and I had the imprinted memories of my own very non-AP childhood to fall back on. It was hard to fight those demons. I found myself want to say and do what was done to me. The more I do it, the better I get at ignoring them, though.

I am the same way, AP was totally natural with a new-born and infant even though she was high needs. With an extremely spirited toddler its hard! I hope it gets easier as I see the glimpses of how it is working in the sweet things she does when she is not throwing a fit because the wrong track of music is in the CD player, or I turned the faucet on in the bath to warm not freezing cold for her to play with, or she can't squish the cat or climb on the kitchen table, and that was just in the last hour!

[mamakay]

I am the same way, AP was totally natural with a new-born and infant even though she was high needs. With an extremely spirited toddler its hard! I hope it gets easier as I see the glimpses of how it is working in the sweet things she does when she is not throwing a fit because the wrong track of music is in the CD player, or I turned the faucet on in the bath to warm not freezing cold for her to play with, or she can't squish the cat or climb on the kitchen table, and that was just in the last hour!
Yeah...that's starting to happen to me, too.
(I have a thread over in GD about it, actually, asking for help).
My "sweet-mommy-auto-pilot" thingie isn't so strong anymore, and I find myself having to try *really* hard a lot of the time.

[edamommy]

I'm very happy to know that it came so naturally to so many of you! Lucky babies!! I WISH it did for me. I was raised in such a dysfunctional home. I had NO IDEA how to parent gently... only how to be selfish and demanding and I knew I didn't WANT to be that person. So, AP is work for me. I imagine that if I ever have another baby, it will feel more natural to me. But for now, it's not always easy.

[abac]

It comes naturally to me. We don't do all the "required" AP things, but to me AP is more about having respect for your child and following your instincts. When my baby cries, my instinct says to go pick him up and comfort him. I think all mothers have this instinct, some just choose to ignore it because they think that's what they're SUPPOSED to do.Why do you think AP comes easier to some people?I agree with starlein26:i personally think that any parent who practices ap is very introspective (or they were lucky enough to be raised ap). they have analyzed their upbringing, seeing the good and definitely the bad, in a way that the mainstream hasn't. i think that parents who choose more mainstream methods probably use denial as their coping mechanism.My sister and I could not be more different when it comes to parenting. For example, she hits her children, yells at them constantly and expects immediate compliance at all times. The reason I don't do these things is because I REMEMBER what it felt like to be treated that way as a child. I remember all of the fear and frustration I felt. I remember knowing that I was not being treated in a fair and loving way.
I think people who raise their children in a non-AP way are not empathizing with their children. They are not truly considering how their children FEEL, they are not seeing things from their child's POV.

[mamakay]

It comes naturally to me. We don't do all the "required" AP things, but to me AP is more about having respect for your child and following your instincts. When my baby cries, my instinct says to go pick him up and comfort him. I think all mothers have this instinct, some just choose to ignore it because they think that's what they're SUPPOSED to do.I agree with starlein26:My sister and I could not be more different when it comes to parenting. For example, she hits her children, yells at them constantly and expects immediate compliance at all times. The reason I don't do these things is because I REMEMBER what it felt like to be treated that way as a child. I remember all of the fear and frustration I felt. I remember knowing that I was not being treated in a fair and loving way.
I think people who raise their children in a non-AP way are not empathizing with their children. They are not truly considering how their children FEEL, they are not seeing things from their child's POV.

I definitely agree that that's true for a lot of us especially as they get older.
Did any of you make promises to yourselves when you were little about how you were going to treat your kids when you were the parent?
I remember sitting in my room, crying, and making very, very serious promises to myself about how I was going to treat my kids.
Did some people never go through that, or did they just forget?

And I'm still wondering how I got lucky enough to have such overwhelmingly strong maternal instincts in those early days, that set the trend for the future.
It was honestly like an overpowering biological drive to quickly respond to ds's cries when he was little, and to hold him close, etc.

[Lucky]

I remember knowing that I was not being treated in a fair and loving way.
I think people who raise their children in a non-AP way are not empathizing with their children. They are not truly considering how their children FEEL, they are not seeing things from their child's POV.


I think this exact same thing nearly everyday.