race issues...3yo

[Mary-Beth]

Please help me with a comment my 3 yo dd (dd1) made recently...

My dh has light brown skin & I have light skin. Our dd1 has very similiar coloring to her dad. Our dd2 has skin like mine....we have many friends with different skin colors and we have several friends with differences within the family, like us. Just some background, to help you understand.

Okay...the other day we were driving in the car at sunset and it became dark. The first stars were coming out so we made a wish on the star. We've done this before and I've noticed my dd1 always wishes for something she has so she can say, "My wish came true!" Well on this night she made a wish- and I forget what it was- something like I wish I had a tree in my yard- and I said, "yeah! we do have a tree in our yard so your wish came true!" Then she said, "My wishes always come true." And I asked, "why do you think that is?" and she said, "because I have light skin." I didn't really know what to say becasue I was shocked. I asked, "How does your skin color have to do with your wishes coming true?" and she didn't seem to understand the question and just repeated, "because I have light skin my wishes always come true."

What do I say? I want to explore this with her some more. She has darker skin than me or her sister so I wonder if this is a concern for her??? I know she knows but it's as if she doesn't with her comment.

[MamaTaraX]

Maybe just ask her straight out "Did you make a wish for light brown skin?" I don't think children have skin issues like adults do. She might just think it's a pretty color. I woudln't let it bother me too much.

Namaste, Tara
mama to Doodle (7), Butterfly (2), and Rythm (due at home 1/06)

[~Quse~]

I have tan skin like my dad does and my sisters are both very fair like my mom. When I was young, probably around 4, I remember standing in line at a department store and observing a black family. I turned to my mom and asked her when we were going to turn black, because I had already started :LOL ...my mom thought I was crazy! Not exactly the same thing as your story but just an example that little kids can come up with some pretty funky, and harmless, ideas.

[mamachandi]

my 3 year old dd says she has pink skin and her friend (who is african american) has brown skin, the raccon we saw has black skin etc.-I am not sure why but she has said this many times. I think it is just her observing differences. I think if its not an issue in your house then its probably very innocent (watch what you guys listen to on the radio/tv etc though because what might seem like just people talking-they pick things up this way). Its funny though when my older dd (now 11 ) was 5 she asked the same question as the other poster "when is our skin going to turn dark daddy?" :LOL

[4evermom]

Do you think anyone might have mentioned in front of her that she (or someone else) was lucky to have fair skin?

[Leatherette]

Maybe she got the idea from "Princess" stuff, or a friend who is into it? Don't get me started on those Disney princesses.....

My son was at least three when he thought that we all started out with dark skin like his little sister, and then got lighter as we got older. He would say things like, "When I was a baby, my skin was brown (like little sister's)", and once asked when his sister was going to be older and "look like me". Now I am pretty sure he understands that he will always be the color he is, and his sister will always be the color she is.

And sometimes they just say off the wall things that will never be explainable by adult logic. I wouldn't stress over it unless there are more, similar commments.

L.

[Mary-Beth]

Thanks for your replies...I couldn't find where my post went so I thought it was deleted or something...glad it's here.

MamaTarax, she didn't wish for light or dark skin...she said her wishes come true becasue she has light skin.

Anyway, we don't watch any tv and I don't listen or listen to any radio. We listen to music cd's from our muisc class, and other kids music. So I feel I can rule out that exposure. To my knowledge no one has said or implied anything about it being nice to have fair skin. The dark skinned friends and family we have in our lives at this point, all are living very comfortably so I can't imagine she could see them struggling and associate it with skin color. We don't do any Disney in our house- basically no princess stories-- except some other kids we play with talk about being a princess, etc. so she knows to some extent the idea. She's seen the princesses on their shirts and on their bikes, etc. Kids are exposed to so much even when they don't watch tv.

A lot of people comment on her skin..."look how tan you are!" and "where'd you get that beautiful tan in the middle of winter!" I've never been totally comfortable with people calling her skin color a tan...but the comments are always "positive" in nature...???

Maybe it is just one of those comments that kids make...but it is very important to me - and to our family- that my kids have healthy ideas about who they are and how they relate to other poeple. So I don't want to just dismiss a comment like this- but I don't want to freak out over it either.

I'm going to watch and see if this is an issue that continues to come up.

Thanks for all your ideas and comfort...if anyone has any more thoughts keep it coming!

[Nurturing Mama]

I would ask her more questions about her statement that her wishes come true because she has light skin. That might help you get a better idea whether or not it is just one of those strange things that kids come up with, or if it really is an issue for her. I might say things like, "So and so also has light skin, I wonder if her wishes always come true? What about (person with dark skin), will her wishes come true? Have you talked to anybody else about wishes coming true?"

Hopefully it's just one of those silly things that kids come up with.


Carrie

[meemee]

mary-beth my dd just turned 3 and for the past months she has said some really bizarre, crazy or 'negative' things. and i have scratched my head trying to figure out where she is getting it from and i have just let it go because i have found she does not necessarily mean what she says. which is why ur dd repeated the sentence back when u asked her. when my dd says something i take the sentence literally. and many times it makes sense many times it doesnt. so i let it go as long it is not a repeatition.

like when my dd first started identifying people. she would comment on the colour of hair. friend with black hair, grandma with white hair. then one day she looked down at our clasped hands and said 'mommy your hands are brown, mine is white'. and i agreed and flipped our hands over and said but look our palms are almost the same colour. many concepts are difficult to figure out at their age - like race, death. if they say i am going to shoot you and kill you dead which my dd said last night (i ignored it) she had no clue what she was saying. she probably picked it up from preschool.

one thing i have learnt is to just answer her question or validate her comment. nothing more. i try my best not to read more. yes my skin colour is brown. mama, niara's gfather has dark brown skin. yes he does.

i have also noticed they try to make connections - some which have no meaning to you but in her world made sense.

i think the issue of racism, prejudice is not from within. it is something she would pick up from you. so for right now dont think of it as that. you know u r doing the right thing. she is just making observations. probably in the next few weeks she may say something which might give u a clue.

[bec]

I know when my older daughter turned three, she started noticing skin color. She calls me and my DH pink, her friend that is hispanic brown, etc. She's just cataloguing, as best I can tell.

I know that she was (and still is) trying to get a sense of logic and cause and effect to her world. Trying to understand the rules for things. This hasn't come out in the race or skin color context that you mentioned, but is more gender focused. She's very concerned about bathrooms right now and wants to know whether it is a boy or a girl bathroom. We were passing a record store and saw a man walk in. We weren't going to that store and passed it by (there were only girls in our group today). She stated, "That store is for boys only." I corrected her, and said, "No, that is for people that want to by music." She was just trying to put order and logic to why a man might walk in there, and we (women) wouldn't. I wonder if your daughter is doing the same thing, but with skin color as the focus? Maybe because there is a variety of skin tones in her immediate family?


Bec

[luv my 2 sweeties]

Given that she's only 3, and you don't suspect that she's "picking up" a negative racial attitude anywhere, I'd say let it go for now. I have bi-racial children, so I understand your concern. That kind of comment would have me scratching my head as well. But unless I could come up with a "reason" that she might be saying that in the way an *adult* hears it (as a race issue), I would leave it alone lest I *make* it an issue, kwim? As Bec suggested, it could be something as simple as a false correlation in her head. Kids do start noticing skin differences around this age. Maybe she noticed her skin color around the same time that she had a wish "come true". Voila -- she thinks one is related to the other. Kids do stuff like this all the time. Very soon the theory gets disproven and they drop it or revise it to be closer to reality.

If she alludes to this belief again, I would handle it matter-of-factly. "Actually, Honey, when you make a wish it doesn't matter what your skin looks like. Everyone makes wishes, and sometimes they come true and sometimes they don't. It doesn't matter what color their skin is, or how tall they are, or whether they are a boy or a girl." That's what *I* would say -- other people might handle it differently. With such a young child, I prefer to stick to the issue at hand (skin color influencing wishes), and save serious "race talk" for when they get older. :)

[Girl In The Fire]

I think it was probaly one of those weird things 3 year olds say, and they say alot of odd things... I wonder if 3 year olds are even aware that skin color can make a person "different". We live in a very ethnicly diverse area people of every race and of every color live here. She has grown up here and always seen people of all skin colors, she has never asked or commented on anyone's skin color and doesnt seem to know there is any difference.

[~member~]

"My wishes always come true." And I asked, "why do you think that is?" and she said, "because I have light skin." I didn't really know what to say becasue I was shocked. I asked, "How does your skin color have to do with your wishes coming true?" and she didn't seem to understand the question and just repeated, "because I have light skin my wishes always come true."

What do I say? I want to explore this with her some more. She has darker skin than me or her sister so I wonder if this is a concern for her??? I know she knows but it's as if she doesn't with her comment.
It is about that age when children learn about white privilege. It doesn't mean that the parents did anything wrong, but that she noticed that ppl with lighter skin have their wishes come true. Or that ppl with darker skin, do not, which is why she would always wish for something that is always there so she doesn't have to fear that she is different or not valued because her skin color is not lighter.

[Raven]

It is about that age when children learn about white privilege.

I am going to disagree with this. It seems like a rather broad assumption to make.

I live in South Africa where racism is HUGE. We are currently healing from the darkness of Apartheid and even though we are taking huge leaps forward, there are still issues that will take many, many generations to solve.

My oldest daughter is now 5. We live in a suburb that is mostly white but she goes to a school that has many different races and cultures. Her two best friends are both Xhosa and have very dark skin. Another friend is Muslim and also has darker skin that she does. You would think that by your definition she would be observing major sociological differences and discovering "white privelege". Not once has she made a comment or asked a question that would lead to this conclusion. Yes she has commented and asked questions about why people look different - but in the same curious vein as she would ask me why I have black hair and her father has blonde hair or why she has blue eyes and why I have green eyes.

Not everything boils down to race. Young children are pure and non-discriminating - until taught otherwise.

[~member~]

Not everything boils down to race. Young children are pure and non-discriminating - until taught otherwise.
That is where the problem lies. Very few parents actively teach their children white privilege, they pick it up from society. Not even television or media, but in how the people in their everyday life react in subtle ways.
Children are extremely intelligent and see and hear everything, even if they don't comprehend it, it is still ingrained into their minds. Every subtle movement, unspoken word, the lack of a simple touch, they see all of that.
They hear their friends stories, life experiences, they hear their parents and the adults around them and the way they speak, the subtle, unsaid messages.

[octobermom]

I think shes just making a three year old comment :shrug Not meant to have any racial links.

Deanna

[Raven]

That is where the problem lies. Very few parents actively teach their children white privilege, they pick it up from society. Not even television or media, but in how the people in their everyday life react in subtle ways.
Children are extremely intelligent and see and hear everything, even if they don't comprehend it, it is still ingrained into their minds. Every subtle movement, unspoken word, the lack of a simple touch, they see all of that.
They hear their friends stories, life experiences, they hear their parents and the adults around them and the way they speak, the subtle, unsaid messages.

Okay, I see where you are coming from. At the same time though, I still believe that your comment was rather generalising. I dont think there is a specific age at which children become aware of white privelege. No-one can make that claim - especially in a case like this where we do not know the dynamics of the OP's family.

[~member~]

Okay, I see where you are coming from. At the same time though, I still believe that your comment was rather generalising. I dont think there is a specific age at which children become aware of white privelege. No-one can make that claim - especially in a case like this where we do not know the dynamics of the OP's family.
Of course it was generalized as I do not know the OP.
I did not tout it as fact, but offered up my thoughts on what might be happening so the mother could see all sides. She stated in her title, race issues, so obviously some little bell inside of her was ringing and announcing that it might be race related.
I think it is awesome that she listened to her inner self and is willing to look at all options before making a decision. That is IMO good parenting. She did not immediately jump on her child about race issues but was looking for answers on how to be the best parent for her child and find out if it is a problem or not.

She did not ask for solutions, just thoughts, so that is what I offered.