need to tell my story

[momlove]

:( I just miscarried last week at 12 1/2 weeks and I need to tell about it. This is only my second post. I'm sorry it's so long, please bear with me. I have 2 young children (4 & 2) and while pregnant with each I was planning the next. Both my previous pregancies were easy and uneventful. I don't even have any "symtoms" (I hate that word, anyone know of a better word?) when I'm pregnant. This third pregnancy was a surprise but very much wanted on my part. I had very light bleeding at 8 weeks for about a week. Since I had heard that some women do have periods when they are pregnant I wasn't too worried. Normally I wait to tell anyone about the pregnancy until my 4th month. Unfortunately, I didn't follow my own advice this time. At 11 weeks when I started light bleeding again I knew in my heart that something was wrong but hoped against hope. I went to my doctor and at 12 weeks he couldn't find a heartbeat. I had an ultrasound 5 days later. delayed because of the holiday weekend. It was the longest 5 days of my life!

The ultrasound tech was visibly pregnant. She didn't let me see the screen but I could see a bit of it. After quite awhile she stopped and then said she was going to do a vaginal ultrasound. I said because she couldn't find the baby and she said it was still early. When she was performing the vaginal ultrasound someone came in to view it. I knew then that my worst fears were confirmed. When it was over I siad to the tech that she didn't find the baby did she. She said she wasn't allowed to tell me and that I had to contact my doctor for the results. I left and went and cried in my car. :bawl :bawl :bawl My kids were with a babysitter for the first time ever and I knew I had a few hours to myself. I went home and waited to call my doctor for the results. My doctor said he was sorry but they found no heartbeat or fetal movement. I asked what do I do now? He said I could wait and see if I passed the baby naturally or he could do a D & C in 2 days. I scheduled the D & C. I asked the babysitter if she could watch my kids again and told her what was going on. The next day I decided that I didn't want the D&C and cancelled hoping my body would do it naturally. The next day I kept the babysitter so I could have some time to myself and sort through some of my feelings. While my kids were at the babysitter, my body very gently released my tiny baby. I was surprised that it happened so quickly and easily. My body has always been very kind to me. I too wanted to see my baby. As I held my tiny baby in my hands I knew from all the books I've read that my baby had died very early on, before 8 weeks. So for 5 weeks or so I had been dreaming about our new child when he or she was already gone from our lives. I found myself apologizing over and over to this tiny little being. I told it that I would have taken very good care of it.

I waited many years to start a family and they have brought me more joy, love and a sense of purpose than I have ever known. This third child would have completed my family. I am 37 years old and I don't know if there will be time to have another and my husband is not thrilled with the idea as financially this is not a good time. Sadness is with me always. :(

Now, I am trying to figure out how to make my young children understand. My 4yr son has asked every day since about the baby and why it was no longer in my tummy. He feels sadness and confusion. My daughter knows that there's no longer a baby in Mommy's tummy but is too young to understand and I am grateful. I wish I hadn't told them so soon. I never wanted to cause them pain or sadness especially so young. If you have been through this with young ones can you tell me how it went for your family?

If you have read all of this I thank you for your time. I needed to put this out there.

[mimi_n_tre]

Hi momlove,
I have lost two in the last year, one at 8 weeks and one this past weekend at 23 weeks. My son, Trevor, is now 5 and when I lost the first one, my son wondered where his little brother was. He has lost quite a few of his close family members in the last two years, so I told him that his little brother is in heaven now. After waiting quite awhile to tell him again that he would be expecting a little brother again, I had learned once again that I wouldn't be bringing this one home either. This one only had about 2 months to go, as I was 29 week and thought everything was fine. So I told him again that his little brother, Jase, was in heaven. Since I gave birth at the hospital, my son now thinks that heaven is at the hospital, and we are waiting for the hospital ( actually the mortuary) to see if we can see Jase again. Yesterday, he said to me " why is he in heaven, heaven is everywhere." I guess to some extent he is right. You never really know who or what or when it will happen. He seems like he is doing okay though.
A lot of people I know don't want to tell their children about dying at such a young age, but I figure everyone is going to do it sometime or another. It may be hard for him to understand now, but maybe it will be easier on him when he grows a little older. The only thing I have really said to him about his brothers is that maybe next year he will have another brother. I hope so. Right now I'm still debating on letting Trevor go to the mortuary with me if I get to see Jase again. I'm tending towards yes but that day has not come yet.
There are others around that have had their bad experiences with their first child and my heart goes out to them. If my son wasn't around I don't know how I would be. As it is, my son gets a pillow for me to put behind my back, and hugs me and tells me not to cry. I love him so much, but the world would be so much better if it was really perfect.

Hope everything goes okay for you, momlove.
--- Mary

[William's Mom]

Sending you hugs and love.

:hug

[discokitty]

(((hugs)))

[momlove]

Thank you so much to everyone for your replies. It's good that here :rocks is a place we can share and send good thoughts to others in need. We all need all the love and support we can give to each other.