In Laws & my kids issue - long

[BurnsideMommy]

In-laws are coming this weekend to help my bil move from our rental home to college (he worked for us this summer). They didn't call DH or I to say they were coming - they told BIL though, and are staying at a hotel. I'm very apprehensive about this visit because of not only how MIL acts to me, the kids, but how she'll take the new pregnancy news. background:

They were here about 2 weeks ago to take SIL (13) to the state fair and came into town to see another BIL's new (first!) girlfriend (DH has 4 brothers). They had never met before, and stayed at the new girlfriend's parents house, before they even told us they were coming to town.

When they got to town, they informed us that everyone was having dinner meeting up at 9pm and we needed to be there. I was sick (suspected stomach flu turned into morning sickness), and it was insanely late for the boys and short notice (we were all in PJ's already), so DH said we couldn't. Older BIL said no prob we'd move dinner to after church on Sunday so we could go. MIL didn't like this and said they'd do dinner that night anyways since they'd leave right after church to go home (5 hour drive). Apparently they pissed & moaned about us at dinner.

Next day we were told we were supposed to go 30 mins away to the state fair with them. I said to MIL that we had tickets to a football game at 3pm that we'd had since May. She then asked to talk to BIL. :( They looked online (I don't know where, since the official site had the right times), and saw that the game started at 6pm!? Thought I'd lied to get away from them. It honestly started at 3pm. They were rude to us all weekend about it. Even when they realized we didn't lie.

MIL threw a fit about going out for lunch after church - they went to a different church than us. We had no idea when their church ended and which service they went to. FIL said to wait for their call about what/if we'd do lunch. I said (after DH agreed to this), that it was ridiculous to do that since when we got out of church at 10:30 the kids would be hungry - they were. I said I didn't want to wait until like 1pm to eat. But we had to. So we go home, starve & wait. FIL calls at 12:50 and tells us to meet downtown at 1pm for lunch! We couldn't get there that fast, but we're coming. They didn't even have reservations and we had 15 people for lunch on a Sunday - yikes. 20 minutes later they call us 2-3 times and pester us why we're not there yet! They haven't even sat down yet. We get there and wait 20 minutes to be seated. MIL then proceeds to let Hunter run around the grass in brand new white socks (wet, muddy grass). Then feeds them stuff at lunch that we'd said no to. Hardly talks to us, but does what she wants with the kids.

Almost every visit with them is some drama like this. I've tried to limit contact with them, but they've been coming here so much this summer (2-3 times/month). It's stressful on me & Dh, and the boys always have to do everything she wants, otherwise she'll go behind my back to do what she wants & get her way. I've been super sick with this third pregnancy (9 weeks), and don't have the energy to deal with her right now, but I have no choice. Thankfully they're not staying here, but I don't feel like figuring out why she's mad at us now. She's just stressful period. I like things orderly and timely, which she decides to fly by the seat of her pants on her schedule, not telling anyone uuntil the last second.

The worst part is, both times we told her I was pg, she was so rude about it. The first time she was almost judgemental as if I'd done something wrong and was not ready for a baby! She has 6 kids, started at 22 and kids were 18 months apart for the first 3.

With Hunter we decided to tell everyone over Thanksgiving. MIL's parents were there and so happy for us. Grandma even made comments to MIL about how she should be happy. MIL didn't say one thing and had a mean look on her face. She didn't mention the pregnancy again until about a month before Hunter arrived.

Then when we were at the brunch a few weeks ago, BIL's girflfriends family (complicated, huh), joked about how I sounded pregnant more than stomach flu, and were all 'oh wouldn't that be a blessing' and sweet about it. MIL glared at me the entire time and said nothing.

I can NOT tell her I'm pregnant again. I'm already terrified about her visit this weekend (my house is a bomb since I barf everytime I move). House cleaners aren't coming till Tuesday (DH was sweet and said we could pay for cleaners since I feel like crap). She's so judgemental about everything and likes to be in control. I hate every visit when she's here. She's either rude as hell, or fakey nice but talks behind my back. Even if we try to keep the pregnancy a secret, the visit will be stressful on me when my body is already worn thin. If we tell her I'm sick & pregnant, she'll offer to take off with the kids to let me rest. She doesn't listen to what I say to do for the kids because 'she raised her kids fine her way', so instead of resting I'd be worried. She'd take off god knows where, not tell us when she's coming back, feed them crap food, stain their clothes, and probably be short with them (Austin says she's mean to him, and she is very hostile when he's not acting like a perfect gentleman!).

What in the heck do i do? Cutting them off is not an option. DH wants to keep contact with them. We bicker a lot about how his family treats me. He usually sees the problems, but says he can't do anything about it cause his mom is stubborn & won't change. I don't want to spend thee weekend crying because I'm pregnant or can't do anything right.

I know we're just gonna go through this crap more often now that BIL will be going to school 20 minutes from here. We'll be in charge of lending him our vehicle when he needs to drive home to them, or give him a ride when we go there for thanksgiving. We'll get pressured into driving there for Christmas so he can go home. They use him to get their way with us. It's happened all summer since he got here. I get super carsick on the drive to their home and I can't sit long while pregnant, yet they refuse to spend holidays at our home, when we've offered.

Things are already bad, and I just see them getting worse. I need something to change, but I don't know how or what. DH often thinks I'm over reacting until I'm right, but at that point after the situation has blown up - who cares. It's prevention that I need with these people.

I've tried just letting MIL do her own thing and closing my eyes, but that gets ugly too for other long reasons.

I'm so confused, hurt and stressed out everytime they come. Any suggestions?

Sorry to rant on and on....I'm lonely & overwhelmed today so venting here helps a lot.

[marybethorama]

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice right now but they sound just like my in-laws!

{{{{}}}}} to you. I know what it's like.

Your dh sounds just like mine too. It's so frustrating.

[Throkmorton]

*hugs*
I think we hve the same in-laws.
I am also very sick, and last time they offered to take DS off my hands so I could get some rest I said "No thanks. I don't want to deal with sugar-buzzed, sleep deprived 3 year old. if you actually want to help, the vacuum is in the utility toom, and the toilet brush is under the sink"

She left. She was mad at me for a couple days but I am so beyong caring with these hormones that I am ok with her never phoning.

Remeber, the magical word is "No."
"No, we can't make it to your house for Xmas. I get really car sick and the kids have colds" "no, we already have plans at Thanksgiving" "No, you can't be at the birth. We are not having any guests until x weeks after baby is born"

Or just send your DH alone. i have been known to do that. It is totally passive-agressive to just say "well, gee, I would love to come, but I am sick" while thinking"I am too sick of you to look at your smelly face" but who cares. We haven't been written out of the will yet.

[Peony]

I have not so friendly IL's (although they currently are talking to us :irked: ), I've learned that I can't take it personal, it is hard to do. If I really can't do it, like in your case of being sick, then I'd won't go, I'm not afraid to send DH alone to see them, dd stays with me though. ;) I also learned that I have to put my foot down, we do not travel for holidays period, if they want to see us well they have a car. It's a hard situtation, remember you have to take care of yourself and your family first, sometimes feelings do get hurt, it happens in life. :)

[johub]

You can do this!
It is a weekend and they are not even staying with you.
Play her game and dont let her get you down.
IF they want to see you on Friday, for example, they can see you at whatever time is best for you. "How about a 5pm dinner, we'll meet at x place" She doesnt like it, she doesnt have to show up.
THink about it. She is with other people bad talking you but most of the time you arent actually there to hear it because thankfully she is not staying with you and her plans dont fit your kids schedule. And if she is rude to you directly, you can leave (because she is not stayign with you)
You dont have to cut them out. But set yourself a limit to how much you will put up with and negotiate. And then dont go any further, and dont feel guilty about it. Heck dont even talk to her or argue with her about it. Your dh can say "sorry that time wont work for us, perhaps we can meet up tomorrow".
Have the visit, but as soon as it starts feeling unfriendly and uncomfortable, end it and go home.
You dont have to argue with her. You dont even have to answer to her if she asks why.
This is your dh's mother and it is his job to draw the line and to stand up for you. Give him the signal that means "I'm done, we're leaving" and do it before you feel terribly upset. And go. He can explain or not as he wants..
It sounds like this woman is controlling and a bit nuts and unkind. YOu are under no obligation to argue your point or convince her of your feelings. She isnt going to be convinced so dont waste your breath. Just see to it that your and your boys needs are met. If that means you show up at a restaurante 1 hour after your boys had lunch. SO what. If it means you have to refuse to meet when they arrange it for your boys naptime. SO be it.
My strongest recommendation is to keep them OUT of your home as much as possible so that you have a safe haven. Meet on neutral ground that you can leave from when necessary.
Good luck and stand strong. You will feel less stressed about these visits if you dont let her get to you and if you have dh on your team.
joline

[MsChatsAlot]

I agree that you can do this.

I'd suggest that you stand your ground on issues that are really important (like not going for dinner at 9 pm) and let everything else slide.

Let her comments and such roll off you. Think about how sad it is that for whatever reasons, she won't allow herself to be happy about another grandchild and won't allow herself to be happy and/or positive and really get to know you and your children.

People who act like her typically feel incredibly scared, out of control and ugly inside. It doesn't make that okay to treat people like dirt, but sometimes knowing that she feels insecure and crappy may helps you to deflect some of the anger and hurt you feel. What she feels about herself, she projects onto you and your family. It is all about her.

I realize that it doesn't always make it easier to take, but I think you've gotten some good suggestions here about sending your DH, saying no, etc.

You cannot change her, her thoughts, actions or behaviors, but you can change the way you are around her. You can change the way you act and react and that can make a huge difference. It takes work (especially with pregnancy hormones raging) but it can be done.

Good luck.

[Suzetta]

I read a pair of books by the same author. The first is "Emotional Blackmail", and the second is "Toxic Inlaws".

You must read them both. I am not suggesting this...

;) :heartbeat I am ordering you to. :heartbeat ;)

If you do a search on my name, you will see that I am dealing with some terrible parent issues. Reading these two books has really helped me feel empowered about my rights as both a daughter and a parent.

You cannot change your MIL, but you can learn how to deal with this stuff in a manner that will free you from your guilt and anger.

[CerridwenLorelei]

than an il problem!
He should be putting his foot down and standing up for you with them
I second toxic inlaws and will pm you a website too

NO WAY should it be up to you to provide bil with YOUR car that you guys pay for, insure and gas up to send him to mommy and daddy. They can buy him a bus ticket

Dh should be backing you up and protecting you and the kids from their antics and toxicity. Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to put up with them -would you let a friend treat you and your kids this way?
nope so family doesn't get passes too either

and if the bil is old enough to go to college then he is old enough to get himself home for visits/Christmas!!!


Ok you have to empty your PM box
:hug

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

You know how you set and enforce limits for toddlers? Just pretend your ILs are toddlers! Decide on what your limits are. Get buyoff from your DH. Make sure you are both on the same page, then just keep repeating yourself. "No, we can't do X. But we could do Y. You don't like Y? Well, call us if you change your mind." End of conversation. Or rather, repeat as necessary. You don't have to agree to play their game. If DH wants to, great, he can go on his own.

I would also say, though, that some things aren't worth setting limits on. If they only visit for a day or two at a time, does it really matter if your child's socks get wet and dirty? Or that he is eating food that you don't normally serve? A bit of departure from normal healthy eating really isn't going to kill him and fighting it just gets you stressed. I think ILs are really good examples of times when you pick your battles (again, note the parallel with toddlers).

As others have said, you CAN do this!