World of Warcraft Dads - HELP!

[KnitterMama]

DH and I need some serious help ... he is a gaming freak, but just cannot seem to find a balance between his gaming and our home/family. It really feels like he's ignoring us sometimes ... and the darn game takes precedence over practically everything else (because he "can't" get-up and leave in the middle of an instance for example).

How do you all do it? I know DH needs his Warcrack, and I want to support his hobbies, but I also would like to hang-out with my hubby once in a while! He gets home, goes straight for the comp, gets up goes straight for the comp ... hey, I do similar things to check-out MDC, but I don't spend HOURS doing it at a time, and I get can get up in the middle, be interrupted, pay attention to other things etc.

:help I think he may listen to other gamers. :help

[MeghansDad]

Well this is certainly a tough spot for all and I can fully understand how addictive these games can be. Im not for or against them, but i would consider myself an online gamer.

Im sure there is a good balance between his playtime with WoW and the family, he just needs to find it. If he enjoys his time playing and thats his vent then its all good but on the other hand he really should spend time with you and the youngin'. He doesnt have to give it up. Its not all or nothing and thats the biggest part of it. the game will still be there and waiting when his time to play comes around. Its a balance but its one that is easily done but it is up to him to make the correct choice on what time it is.

One the other hand, maybe if there was a mutual interest in the game it would be time you share but the game is not for everyone and i can fully understand that.

It will work out ;)

[CherryBomb]

Dh and I are both gamers and we both play WoW. Have you told him what you've said here? That you don't mind him playing, you'd just like him to cut back? Maybe you can ask if he spends time with the family first, then plays?

Good luck, even though I also play (as much as the kiddos and household duties permit!) I can get frustrated when dh goes through a "must play WoW 24-7" period!

[Mama2RMM]

My husband was an avid EQ player, and switched to WoW when Rachel was born because you CAN get up and leave at pretty much anytime. With graveyards, bonus experience the longer you stay logged off, and joining a small guild he has been able to avoid addiction. He's taken about 9 months to get to Level 60. I would say he plays less than an hour per night, if I had to guess. It's not a problem at all for us.

I guess my point was that I don't see why your husband feels like he can't leave in the midst of something when you need help. Granted, I've only played an hour total, but it seems like a very forgiving game to the casual player, no?

Another thing that worked well for us was doing PS2 games because you really can stop at anytime, and you aren't even playing against people. The long-standing rule in our house has been that gaming is okay unless there is something else to do with the family - seems to work pretty well for us.

[mamabohl]

d

[Pandora114]

I have an acronym for it

WOWW World Of Warcraft Widows.

Me and my DH play City of Heroes/Villans *when it comes out* we never play when DD is awake though.

what *I* Would do is this: Tell him to cut back or you'll Unsub/Uninstall then nuke the farking CD. Because if he's acting like a child by not being able to excersise moderation, then you will step in and do it for him.

Act like a kid, be treated like one. That's the way it works in this house anyway.

[quidditchmom]

Shhh, or my dp might hear. He hasn't discovered WoW...yet.

He plays games too, ALOT. I frequently hear "I'm fighting for my life, here!" when I try to initiate a conversation.

This has been going on for years, and all that keeps me going is that I've realized that it comes and goes. There are times when I wonder how many days it's been since he's eaten or slept (he's actually stopped working because of a game before!) and there are times when he goes for weeks without playing.

It's hard, I pick my battles. Absolutely no games with severed limbs flying across the screen when the kids are awake. But if he feels the need to stay up until 4am playing because of this, I bite my tongue.

As for spending time together, we don't do it too much. Sometimes I'll get a 'guy' movie and pop it in for myself without saying anything. He'll usually get off and come sit with me on the couch. Sometimes I ask if he wants to play chess (even though I hate it and lose to him in mo more than 5 moves!! :LOL ) because that's something he enjoys and while I'm "studying" the board we chat a bit.

Good luck working things out.

[Pandora114]

by the way the whole "Act like a kid be treated like one" goes both ways.

He acts like a kid I treat him like one
I act like a kid he treats me like one

Total equal opportunity stuff. LOL

I'm glad we are both geeks and share the same intrests though.

[KnitterMama]

wow I could've written your post. word for word. No help though, he's said he would cut back many times, agreed to no playing while the boys are awake...it never works out. He plays anywhere from 5-12 hours a day and i hate him for it.
:Hug

That's how it's worked-out here too ... he's said a zillion times he'd do this or that, but never does. I don't hate him for it, but I am really upset by it. What's worse is when I do insist on him leaving the game he'll say things like "wifey getting agro, gotta go" like asking him to get offline is me acting like a jerk. :irked: He says he plays instead of sleeping so he can get his time in, but what that amounts to is him staying up until 5am and then sleeping all day ... and then getting-up and gaming again until he has to get ready for work.

I really want my hubby to have time to himself to enjoy his hobbies ... but it's like our domestic life revolves around this :censored game. I can't do my online classes because DH is in the middle of something, I have to take DS with me everywhere because DH "just started this thing ... it'll be maybe an hour and a half", can't get real cleaning done for the same reason. I always have to wait for the game. And those hour and a halfs, they're almost never actually an hour and a half ... usually at least two hours when he says that and more often three or more.

My personal obsession is :knit . Can you imagine what his reaction would be if I refused to participate in domestic tasks "until I get this sleeve done"? He'd throw a fit.

Ugh. :help

[KnitterMama]

I have an acronym for it

WOWW World Of Warcraft Widows.

:rotflmao
I have threatened DH many times that I would invade his WoW forums to announce a new online support groups called WoWidows! :LOL

[mamabohl]

d

[Pandora114]

It would be a VERY slow forum because the widows wouldn't be able to get online very often :LOL

[Pandora114]

As I said, sit him down and tell him if he continues to ACT Like a child instead of an adult you will start TREATING him like a child instead of an adult. Which means, Abuse of Privledge means Privledge taken away. At least he has fair warning.

It works here in this house.

One time I overspent the clothing budget for DD, so my DH said "Well you abused the privledge I'm taking it away for a few months" *I get an allowance every month since I"m a SAHM*

He abused his gaming privledges, I deleted them and hid the CD's. He asked WTF? I told him he abused the privledge of playing his games, and ignored me and DD, so I delted them and Won't let him have the CD's till he spends one whole week hanging out with DD and I.

We all discussed this ahead of time. Act like a child get treated like one.

[KnitterMama]

It would be a VERY slow forum because the widows wouldn't be able to get online very often :LOL
:LOL

[KnitterMama]

As I said, sit him down and tell him if he continues to ACT Like a child instead of an adult you will start TREATING him like a child instead of an adult. Which means, Abuse of Privledge means Privledge taken away. At least he has fair warning.

It works here in this house.

One time I overspent the clothing budget for DD, so my DH said "Well you abused the privledge I'm taking it away for a few months" *I get an allowance every month since I"m a SAHM*

He abused his gaming privledges, I deleted them and hid the CD's. He asked WTF? I told him he abused the privledge of playing his games, and ignored me and DD, so I delted them and Won't let him have the CD's till he spends one whole week hanging out with DD and I.

We all discussed this ahead of time. Act like a child get treated like one.
I wonder if there is a way to do this without deleting the character? If I deleted DH's primary character, that'd be grounds for divorce. :LOL

Seriously, though ... he'd probably never forgive me for it. Understandably too ... if I spent close to a year on a knitting project and DH threw it away I'd probably freak. :shrug

[KnitterMama]

:nak I think I've got it ... maybe we can change the password on DH's account log-in, and I'll be the only one who knows it until he gets to the point where he can moderate himself.

now to just get DH to agree :mischief

[Pandora114]

Acctually there is. See the character is saved to the main server. Uninstalling the game engine from your computer will NOT delete his character.

You uninstall the game from the PC, but the toon will still be alive.

But TALK to him about it first. Give him fair warning that if he doesn't learn how to moderate himself that you will do it for him.

[LoveChild421]

Hi my name is Jen and I'm a WOWwidow! :LOL I swear, I'm fed up with it- it's really sad. it has taken a huge toll on our relationship- he works nights which doesn't give us much time anyway- and instead of going to bed after an hour or so when he gets home from work he stays up for hours and plays Warcrack- I've told him many times he could wake me up and we could GIO :wink at 6:00am no less- but what does he do? nope he doesn't wake me up- he plays warcrack! Then when it's time for us to hang out on his nights off he goes to take a "nap" and stays asleep until I'm dog tired and ready to go to bed- then he gets up for a marathon session of warcrack. He makes excuses just like an alcoholic for his behavior- saying "well I just can't sleep when I get home so I play Warcraft (like I've said get me up and we'll hang out) and "I had to take a nap now Jen I'm just sooo tired" (when it's obvious he's just doing it so he can stay up late with his WoW buddies)

It has led to umm..how shall I say...finding attention elsewhere :firedevil

[KnitterMama]

So ... thinking it would be helpful for our situation, I had DH read the thread, and this is his response:


hey there! Ok well it might seems like and addiction to play WOW, but I grown up with computers and I do play games since I was 7 (23 years ago).

Unfortunatly the game itself after reaching the level cap (lvl60) demands at least 2 hours for any kind of fun you can have. Its the game system itself but not something that I am doing on purpose. the games hardest Instances (Dungeon runs) requires 40 ppl to get togheter on the computer and stay togheter till the instance is done. Most ppl are working and coming home at regular hours. I do not have that Luxury unfortunatly. My only off days are mondays and wednesdays. I can't join any of theese 40 ppl instances even if I wanted to. Only wednedsdays as a guild we organize one instance that starts at 7.pm and takes 3 hours. Now if I were playing some other games it wuld be a lot easier to leave the game when something is needed. but WOW has its reputation and when you start to do somethin like leaveing ppl in the middle of something, with time your reputation will go down and you won't be able to get any groups together to finish some quests. Well at that point I might as well can delete my character or start a new one :)

Also, I work between 4.30 pm to midnight and even later. I work weekdays and weekends. My wife has class 4 days a week, I come home late I play wow for an hour, fall a sleep, wake up when my wife wokes up, Take care of our baby boy till she comes back, get ready and go to work. Now my schedule is like this. We are not in good financial condition eiither so we don't have really the luxury of goin out and doin somethin. When I come home my wife is mostly sleeping and I don't feel like waking her up just to have some good time, unless she is awake and willling to have some good time.



Now that was the game issue, but thats not why I play WOW. Our life does have its own problems as many married couples. While my wife might believe that every problem we have is because the games I play, there is more than that and I am not willing to talk about things here on the forums.

Some husbands likes to go out, get drunk, some likes watching Nascar, NFL for hours on tv, some likes to spend hours for working on their cars. I spend my time with playing wow. I wish our solution was only as easy as me quiting playing games but its not. Before blaming or getting upset please try to think trough what else might be wrong? Just a suggestion


Thanks

[Pandora114]

Tell your husband, I totally understand where he's coming from In relation to the whole game scenario. I play City of Heroes, so does my hubby *we can't play at the same time obviously because we can only have one person logged to an acct at any given time, but, Yeah we have mish's that require many people to go into and take a very very long time to get through. *Remembers how many hours she's whiled away being primary healer for Frostfire mish and Atta Mish..shudder*

But he really should sit down and talk with you about the reasons he chooses to escape. He admitted to it. He uses it as a form of escapsim, not as a form of entertainment.

I am a gamer freak, Have been since I was FIVE. Old Commodore 64 *sigh* Same as my hubby. We are both game freaks, we almost have heated battles over wanting to play a console game on the big screen TV LOL.

But we only do it as entertainment, not to escape our problems. DH USED to use it to escape, before we got married, *You know, war does some screwed up stuff to your head* but now, it's entertainment.

So, yeah I am a gamer. I love vid games. I can sit down and play any Final Fantasy game for hours, And for some funny reason, I can interact with my 2yo while playing lol. I read to her what the characters are saying in the dialogues. If I'm playing a totally immersive game, I make sure my family's needs are tended to before getting involved.

I still stand by my advice, tell your wife the reason why you feel you have to escape. What is so crappy in your life right now that you need to lose yourself in a virtual World?

Oh yeah, if you are on the same server as the Druid Azmordain, tell him that Sybil Nightside wants to talk to him LOL

[LoveChild421]

I still stand by my advice, tell your wife the reason why you feel you have to escape. What is so crappy in your life right now that you need to lose yourself in a virtual World?


exactly. I mean what's more important- leveling in some imaginary world or having a satisfying, healthy relationship in real life?

[Pandora114]

ok, my thoughoughly gamer hubby sais this:

"You gotta find out what's making your hubby unhappy if he uses video games to escape. Like if he's playing an hour or two here and there, and spending time with you, that's cool, but if he's totally ignoring you, your kid, and everything around him for hours upon hours on end, there's something seriously wrong that needs to be adressed"

His words..not mine.

BTW, this is coming from a man who has BTDT IRT vid games

[Mama2RMM]

I have to say that I really disagree with uninstalling / deleting / changing a password. It's going to cause more friction in the long run and it's bound to cause resentment towards you and possibly towards other family members. I *know* I would be pissed off if my husband deleted all my photography bookmarks and files.

The honest answer, that I only skirted around in my earlier post, is that someone is only going to stop doing something of their own will. You may do something to temporarily end the behavior, but complete change has to come from the person with the behavior.

It took a lot of heart to heart talks, time, and patience for my husband to see my side of the coin. I honestly believe that he curbed his gaming out of his own desire to spend more time with Rach and I, and not out of guilt placed on him by a nagging wife unhappy with his hobby.

I may be the unpopular voice here, but I know that this works without anger and resentment. It took some time, but it's been well worth it in the long run for us all to be happy.

[rdl2k5]

My wife is posting in this thread and it's correct. I am a video gamer. It's what I've done for as long as I can remember. I just love it. I played Everquest for 3-4 years and was in one of the guilds/groups that played together every night for hours on end. I really enjoyed it. I had alot of fun doing it. My wife even played with me for a couple of years. There is a definite "I can't get up from this" feeling at times. You feel it, you sense it. But let me tell you, when you finally say "Enough is enough" Nobody that you are "leaving" cares. All of those instance groups, the raids, the groups that count on you and need you, they all dissapear in the blink of an eye.

When I quit EQ, I did it cold turkey. My wife had complained about it for a while and deep down I knew she was right. I quit during an argument, but the argument wasn't the reason I quit if that makes sense? It was one of those things where it was like 'FINE ILL JUST QUIT" I uninstalled it and I really didn't look back. At the time it seemed like a "guilt" thing but it really wasn't. It was just time to move on from playing games that much.

The day I quit, I was in one of the "top guilds" around and I was one of those people everybody counted on and "Oh no what will they do without me" The surprising news? My email/aim/phone. I never was contacted. I was a very well "liked" person and you would expect all those people would want to keep on communicating. They didn't, and I really didn't care. It's just a stupid video game. (big picture) I still love gaming, I still play them a lot. But they're just stupid video games. Play them, put them down, it's just a game..

I stayed away from WOW for a while because I was fearful I would do the same thing. I finally bought it and I started playing in the middle of the nights when our daughter would wake up for the most part and fall asleep in the carrier or during other down times around the house. I did get to level 60 and I still play almost every day but I rarely/never? neglect any household or family duties. I certainly don't play long stretches. An hour or two off and on is the most I'll do.

The only thing that I ask is that the "Give me a few more minutes" rule, and my promise is that I honor that as well. If I have somthing that is really going to take 10 more minutes, I ask for it. (I'm talking about 10 more minutes before we start a movie or whatever) Bath time, change time, kid needs play time are immediate things, but I really respect those times anyways and don't put myself in the situation where I have to make the decision. Bath time is at 6:30. Why would I be in the middle of something I "can't stop" at that time?

The instance runs in WOW, they are a lot of fun. I've done maybe 10-20 since I started playing. On each one I made it very clear "I'm very unrealiable, I may have to leave" Some people say that's cool, some people pick someone else. The guild I'm in is a family guild where everybody knows i have a family and that if they don't want an unreliable situation, just don't ask me. But they do ask, and we go play together. They are very respectful of the fact that I as well as other people have personal lives.

My recommendation is not to try to use the "It's just a stupid game" thing against someone. People have to realize that for themselves. I'm not saying that people shouldn't play them. I do, I love them. Find out where they fit into what your situation is and go from that. I know that I can't be in a high end raiding guild, I don't even try to make that a goal of mine or something I desire to do.

I have no advice, it only changes when you choose for it to change. I've been there, I've done it. It's a lot of fun but after being on the other side of the spectrum, you _CAN_ get up from an instance run, you can walk away. Some respect for a "Give me 10 more minutes" (10 real minutes) is fair.

I know this is long, but some of you seem to be having some serious issues with it and I'm the "guy" in this and I've been in the chair you're husbands/partners are sitting in. You can't beat the gamer out of them no matter what you do. You can work the frequency out of it though. This weekend, my wife is going out of town to her mom's house and she said to me "Are you sure you won't be bored..." After I finish up the yard work and make sure the house is clean, I'm sure I'll have a long gaming session. I'm so unaccustomed to doing this now that normally I look forward to "oh boy all day of gaming" and then a couple of hours in I have to get up and do something else.

I guess the only advice I could give is to keep presenting enjoyable situations. Let's go to dinner, let's watch a movie together, let's go for a walk, let's go to Best Buy.. If it's always "COME HELP WITH THIS DAMN KID!" I can imagine it would be resentful.

(I would agree with Pandora's husbands comments as well...)

[Starflower]

I have to say that I really disagree with uninstalling / deleting / changing a password. It's going to cause more friction in the long run and it's bound to cause resentment towards you and possibly towards other family members. I *know* I would be pissed off if my husband deleted all my photography bookmarks and files.

The honest answer, that I only skirted around in my earlier post, is that someone is only going to stop doing something of their own will. You may do something to temporarily end the behavior, but complete change has to come from the person with the behavior.

It took a lot of heart to heart talks, time, and patience for my husband to see my side of the coin. I honestly believe that he curbed his gaming out of his own desire to spend more time with Rach and I, and not out of guilt placed on him by a nagging wife unhappy with his hobby.

I may be the unpopular voice here, but I know that this works without anger and resentment. It took some time, but it's been well worth it in the long run for us all to be happy.


:yeah:

And :thumb rdl2k5 - you really said what needed to be said in a way all parties can understand.

I'll direct my DH to this thread tonight after he's home from work so he can add his viewpoint as well. :)

I don't play WoW but I don't mind that DH does. I try to give him uninterrupted game time - we shoot for at least twice a week - usually T & Th and then he'll often game on Saturdays if we're not doing something else. But he also makes sure I get a break. And he does spend time with DD. If our family life is needing attention and it doesn't work out for him to play WoW, it's no big deal. He usually tries to play when another friend of ours (in another city) is on so they make "dates" which I respect as long as I know about it before hand and I am not having a crisis with DD. And we do the "ten more minutes" rule, too. (Ten real minutes - so true but had to :LOL )

Another thing that helps us keep things in perspective is setting time limits - DH will say he'll be offline in 2 hours, or by a certain time - and then he sets the alarm on his PDA to remind him to get off the computer. This gives him a chance to finish up what he's doing online and then come and join me IRL.

Mostly, for us, I'd say we just communicate well. Not just about gaming but we talk to each other a lot. Admittedly, it's often about what DD did today or how Dh's work is going, but it does help keep us connected in our relationship. DH is also very affectionate so most of the time, if he wants to play WoW, I don't feel threatened by it. If I feel like he's been neglecting our family in favor of the computer, we talk about it and work out a compromise.

Thus far, we've only had one real incident where one of DH's gaming incidents got in the way of our real life. We discussed it afterward and I think we see eye to eye on it.

[KnitterMama]

Thanks for the feedback ... I especially appreciate the very clear and helpful advice from the hubby people. It really does help me to understand.

This has taken a very interesting turn, as I have made a the connection between DH's gaming and his stress level. He has an anxiety disorder, and large amounts of stress really make him freak big time. The other day he was about to freak because he was really stressed-out, and instead of being pissed at him for acting like a jerk I delved deeper and pushed it a little and finally found out he really needed to decompress. I said "screw it" to my online classes, took our DS, and told him to go play his games for a while.

He was way happier after that. He does use it as an escape, but I can't say I mind that aspect much. We are in a very difficult situation financially, which stresses DH out maximally ... makes him act like a jerk when he doesn't mean to (I'm the same way). It is my impression that his gaming is his preferred coping mechanism for dealing with stress, which we have a lot of. I knit, he games. I'm learning.

Gotta go ... library. :D

[BuddhaBuddy]

Starflower's DH here...

I was a bit nervous when I read the title of the thread she directed me to. :) She is VERY good to me...

I've been gaming since the Timex Sinclair 1000 (1980), but I've only been playing WoW for about 4 months.

Swimmin_mama, it sounds from his reply like your DH has a different view of his gaming habits than you do. You say that he is gaming every morning and every day after work, each time for hours. He says he might game for an hour before going to bed. It sounds like there is a lot of "rhetoric" flying around, and some real numbers need to be arrived at.

Really, he is saying he needs X number of hours for "downtime", which to me is the ability to temporarily cast aside responsibilities and just enjoy life however you like to enjoy it. Everyone needs that. It is only fair that you have the same as well, though. Just try not to get too picky about it, and don't forget "us time". The only issue we have had with this philosophy is that I've been accused of only being "nice" because I wanted game time. That may or may not be true. You will never know, sweetheart... :wink ... but I was nice BEFORE WoW, too... :kiss

Personally, I think it is unrealistic to think you can game every day when you have an infant/toddler, but every family must reach it's own balance. Gaming should NOT take precidence over scheduled commitments, though. If your classes take place at a certain time, he needs to go read a book or something. If you have assignment deadlines, he needs to be aware of them, so he knows when you are more likely to need the PC.

Normal questing on WoW is very "casual gamer" friendly, but doing instances (which is all there is once you hit level 60) is not so much. I don't have any l60 toons, but I can imagine how difficult it can be to organize a 40-person raid. I don't think it is unfair for him to want to have three hours a week of uninterrupted "ME time", again, as long as you get the same. He may choose to stay at home and game, you may choose to go to the park and read a book. But if he is home, it is really tempting to say "the baby's driving me nuts, HELP!" However, make sure you follow the golden rule: "Interrupt others as you would have them interrupt you."

His statements about reputation are true, but not particularly valid. If he states up front (as another dad does) that there is a chance that he could be "called into duty", then there is no reputation to loose. If this results in not being invited to raids, then he is in the wrong guild, and needs to find a family-friendly one. However, if the "Golden Rule" above is followed, then hopefully he won't have to drop out of a raid much.

Understanding that this is his way of coping I think is a key point. Starflower occasionally got miffed that I don't "go out and do things" more often, but not everyone is a "go hang out at the bar with the guys" kind of person. Even before WoW, gaming and reading were how I relaxed. It just so happens that now I don't have time for other games... :D

It might be good for him to develop another way to cope, as well, though. One that does not tie up a "shared resource" like the PC.

To the moms who's DHs say they are "getting agro" from the wife, that is worse than rude, I find it highly insulting. Whether they acknowledge it or not, they are basically saying that they are being attacked by something evil and need to beat the tar out of it. It probably seems cute to them, but it isn't.

Whew. That was a bit longer and more rambling than I thought it would be...

I think it all boils down to fairness and communication. Relationships need to be perceived as fair by all participants, or there will be trouble. That can be defined in VERY different ways. I know a guy who's wife takes care of the kids, shops, cooks, and still has a full time job, yet he comes home from work and goofs on the PC. Starflower would have me hanging from the light fixtures by my ()(), but it seems to work for them. Find what works for you, and talk about what is not working, but make sure you BOTH are getting what you need. You can't do this just once, either, especially with a :baby who's abilities and needs are changing day to day.

OK, I'm done. I swear, I'm not USUALLY this stuffy and opinionated...

[bjorker]

Oh man. I can relate to this so much. Sooooooooo much.
I've tried so many different things, none of which has worked. I try to be understanding of the "down time" thing, and really it wouldn't be such an issue if he took initiative to clean or do anything besides make dinner (I'll admit that he does this far more often than I do, but that's partially because I am ALWAYS nursing our daughter to sleep by the time he's home and we can eat dinner together). Anyway. I'm going to come back to this thread and read more carefully when I have some more time and am a little more awake, but thanks to the OP for posting this.

One thing... my DH plays Dark Age of Camelot... not WoW, I'm suprised he's the only one? I only skimmed some of the posts so far, but is he playing an unpopular game or something? Hehe. I suppose that would figure :p

[rdl2k5]

DAOC isn't an unpopular game. It came out, Hmm 4-5 years ago? Games like that have a way of holding on to some of the crowd while some move away. Warcraft is just the "one to play right now' I played Everquest and that seems so far in the past right now, yet people still play it every day.

[Pandora114]

OH get this

I was playing City of Heroes the other night, and I was teamed up with a Husband and wife team. IRL They were married, they were gaming together, it was SOOOO SWEET! I go "Man it is bonus that you can affort two sep accounts! I think it's awesome that you game together!"

I told DH about it and he's like "Hon we can't afford two accounts right now but yeah it sounds nice :D"

I also said it was nice that for once I was teamed up with fellow adults. Most of the time it's like teenagers and younger kids playing. But it was nice to acctually team up with fellow parents. I"m part of a Supergroup *guild* lol

[Cullens_Girl]

Really, he is saying he needs X number of hours for "downtime", which to me is the ability to temporarily cast aside responsibilities and just enjoy life however you like to enjoy it. Everyone needs that. It is only fair that you have the same as well, though. Just try not to get too picky about it, and don't forget "us time". The only issue we have had with this philosophy is that I've been accused of only being "nice" because I wanted game time. That may or may not be true. You will never know, sweetheart... :wink ... but I was nice BEFORE WoW, too... :kiss

This is so true and this is why my DH plays WoW. It did get out of control for a while (but I was so focussed on my DS that I didn't notice) He was using it as a form of escape and relaxation - I wasn't there for him to vent to so he let out his steam on WoW.

His statements about reputation are true, but not particularly valid. If he states up front (as another dad does) that there is a chance that he could be "called into duty", then there is no reputation to loose. If this results in not being invited to raids, then he is in the wrong guild, and needs to find a family-friendly one.

Eventually he got his act together, quit one of the two guilds he was in and stayed in the smaller more family friendly guild. In the long run this works great.

We have a standing agreement that he doesn't play after work until DS goes to bed. Also he's willing to drop the game at any time if I decide that I want to play with him... :LOL

There are probably many reasons why he's escaping into this game and once you address those you can move on from there.

[wasabi]

I was also a WOWW. :LOL We had some real issues with it. He was playing from the second he got home with a brief break to eat and put DD to bed and then right back at it. On the weekends it was all day. We had to have a few really hard talks about it. In particular what was really annoying to me was when I would say something to him about it (in a nice calm way) he would just fire back "well what are we going to do if I stop playing?" I pointed out that we've been married five years and he's been playing Wow for only about 4 months so really there must be something we can do. Finally a few weeks ago I gave in and tried the game myself. I am by no means addicted but it is fun. Usually now we don't play until after the girls are in bed. Our computers are in separate places so we chat in game and over our phones while we're playing. Sometimes we play together and sometimes we play separately. I'm only L15 while he has two much higher characters and one he started to play with me so we mix it up. I don't want him to feel he always has to play with me. Anyway that's something to consider. Also playing the game myself now I know he exaggerated some things he told me he couldn't get away from and I understand not wanting to quit in the middle of something. So I do try to respect the 10 minutes more please requests but quash the 30 minutes more and he's been much better about it too. I'm jsut babbling I guess but I empathize truly.

[tripleaces]

Wow, and I thought I was an ancient gamer. I've been gaming for.. 15 years now, and my DH has been gaming probably almost as long. We met on a game, actually. We play games together all the time. I'm an awesome gamer, always the highest level, in the best guilds.. blah blah. Until I had a child, anyway. It was hard because while I quit gaming DH did not. It was a huge battle with us for a while, I resented him and was angry. Why should he get to play but I can't?! And he'd insist I could, but that meant ignoring DD to do so, or trying to watch her while we played. Ugh!

So we talked about it, I got a WoW account several months ago and played that at night after DD went to bed, and I also got 2-3 hours on the weekend to do a big instance. DH dropped all multiplayer games except for a MUD and went back to his single player games, so at least he could "pause". And then we both have sorta dropped gaming altogether. Maybe because he works too much now and I took up knitting. :LOL

Anyway, I don't have much to add, there've been some great responses here. But once a gamer always a gamer, I think. Sometimes I imagine life without a computer and how lovely it would be, but I know it'd never happen. All I can really strive for is to limit the exposure in my DD's life, because man, I sure don't want her life to be lived within the online worlds mine and so many of ours have been. Gaming is evil, imo. I never thought I'd say that, but I wish I had never got sucked in - talk about a huge waste of life. :(

[Pandora114]

lol Keja.

DH and I just worked out our City of Heroes schedule.

We each get an "Off Night" Where we do NOTHING but game. The other spouse takes care of the cub, the daily chores such as dishes and whatnot, and the other one spends time in the game.

We alternate, one night one spouse games while the other tends to the toddler and the household chores, the other nite we switch. It will work out wonderfully. But since I'm a SAHM, I could very well game during the day too heheheh but that means I ignore my toddler. which I won't. So I'll sit on the PS2 and play FF 7 to beat it in time for Advent Children's release *SET BACK TILL DECEMBER BOOOOOOOOO *

You want a gamer household? Just look at ours. EVERY Major game console, Xbox, PS2, Game Cube. TO every nintendo system ever made, from 8 bit to 64. We still need to find Vitural boy and the puke green screened gameboy.

*collection* He also has a DS.

We've been gamers forever. We met in grade 4, and *I* Got him addicted to gaming! We had a NES before he did, and he came to my house after school one day, and bam he was hooked. Then I showed him my SUPA 1337 Commodore 64 and the flight sim on it and he was soo hooked then too.

So I have no one to blame for my husbands video game addiction other than myself

[BuddhaBuddy]

OH get this

I was playing City of Heroes the other night, and I was teamed up with a Husband and wife team. IRL They were married, they were gaming together, it was SOOOO SWEET! I go "Man it is bonus that you can affort two sep accounts! I think it's awesome that you game together!"

Yes, the out-of-town friend that I play with also games with his wife. In fact, she is WAY more into it than he is. He lost interest for a while, and SHE started paying for his account!

It is always wonderful to game with other adults. I get really sick and tired of the gutter talk and the "l33t"-speak. My ignore list is a mile long, which makes it difficult to follow converstaions sometimes... :)

[OhMeOhMy]

Well, I don't have much to add to the PP, but I just wanted to say I hear your "pain". My SO loves the War Crack (I thought we were the only ones to call it that :LOL ) and has even gone as far as to get my two sons addicted. Ahhhhh, WoW and EQ . . . a mothers/wifes nightmare.

[mamabohl]

d

[rdl2k5]

In response to the question about the "talking to him about it" I agree to some extent about the comment earlier made "We have other problems too" My only response to this is, that can be a cop out for it all also. "Stop playing? WHy What are we doing to do?" That's a common one. I've used it. When you start playing games you stop having common things to do as often. This has taken a lot of work for me. For a while, we "forced ourselves" to hang out (notice the big quotes) By forced I mean, we went to the mall and just screwed around. Stop at a movie, grab some lunch, point at all the stuff in Williams Sonoma you can't afford, go into the gaming store and point at all the games that are coming out. It stops being so "forceD" once you do it and it's a pleasant atmosphere. If it's just "Get off that damn game and take the kid, clean the house, fix the ceiling fans." I can see where somebody would keep doing their own thing.

It took me going cold turkey with it for about a year to get my priorities straight. I'm now back to playing games and sometimes I play too long, but I've made enough ground rules for myself that I don't break. (notice that sentence, it's important. I made them for _myself_. I don't join raiding guilds, I don't agree to things I know can overlap with things our family needs.

And to the man who was saying "Your reputation on the server.." Don't play for a week and see how many times your phone rings or your email box shows an email. I've been there and done that.. Your reputation is gone in an instant no matter what you do. I recognize the pitfalls of WOW, I see that it has the potential to be bad news for me. I don't participate in those facets of it. If the way I'm able to play isn't sufficient, I'll go get another game with a pause button. There are just too many games out there that the only way to enjoy gaming is to play in High End Instances.

I'm not advocating stopping playing at all for anyone, I'm saying that there is a middle ground. Both sides have to take a step in for it to happen.

[Riot_Nerrrd]

As a PhD student living in Cleveland away from all my friends, WoW is the only way I can keep in contact with people who are in programs in Cincinnatti, Tallahassee, Columbus, and elsewhere. I don't go to the bars, dont watch sports--I spend all my time either teaching, working on my exams, or being a father and husband. WoW is literally the only social contact I have outside of school. I am reasonable, and only play for spurts when the kids are asleep a few times a week. If you fear being a WoWW, make a compromise: if your DH is still lvl'ing his char. have him agree to only play while the char. is rested--he earns experience better that way anyhow. If he is lvl 60 and only concerned with raiding have him pull back a bit. Molten Core and BlackWing Lair take a long time, are full of good loot, but don NOT have to be done EVERY week. And finally, remember: there are worse ways for him to spend his time.

First love: Annakiss
Second: Eurydice; server: Mal'Ganis, guild: Aftermath

[KnitterMama]

Ooohh I struggle with this continuously.

Now I'm at this place where (thanks to this thread) I'm understanding DH's reasons for playing ... I've gotten some good pointers here about how to better approach him while he's playing ... I really just can't get over the fact that for me it really feels like he's doing it far too much. I have come to realize that it is his coping mechanism for stress, and I back off a lot when I think he's stressed. But, I don't feel like he's done the same for me ya know? I think he's changed a lot of things, helps in the house some, works his cute behind off ... he deserves time to play around. I just can't get over the fact that I don't have any similar time ... and in fact, my *study* time is often totally nonexistent or compromised because of this game. Not play time, not time to relax - study time.

Honestly, some of what DH had to say earlier in this thread I just don't agree with. His gaming is not moderate at all, as the other adult living in our home it certainly doesn't feel like he makes an effort to spend time with us (the boy and me). He absolutely does wake-up and go straight for the game, and will stay there all day now. Today we all took a nap and he woke up literally 15 minutes before he had to leave for work. He didn't even talk to me before jumping on the computer and spending that time trying to kill some creature. I know he's stressed-out so I try to give him his space but the questions remain - when will he give me my space to be alone and relax? When will he spend time with us without acting like it's a chore? Why does he seem to prefer this game to his family?

DH can say what he will ... but I still feel like he's ignoring us. It's not about finances, it's not about time, it's not about household duties ... it's about just sitting around and being WITH your family, not being physically present and off in some fantasy world mentally. I don't want him to quit playing, but I certainly deserve more than I get from him right now. I understand that DH is stressed and has anxiety issues, but that is not an excuse for ignoring your wife. I feel completely ignored, totally lonely. I call my sisters on the phone and talk their ears off every day because I have no one to talk to. He's sitting right in the other room, but whenever I try to interact with him he either doesn't listen or asks me to get him a drink.

Sorry ... I'm frustrated about this today. I'm trying so hard to be understanding, but fact of the matter is I feel like crap.

Edited to add : I feel terrible about this because it makes me so mad at DH. This post came across pretty angry because that's how I'm feelin today ... I love DH very much and he is a good husband and wonderful father. Sometimes though, I really feel like he loves his computer more than me.

[rdl2k5]

My personal recommendation is to go down the path of "I really want to spend some time with you" and it not be in the house. Not "Come over to the couch and sit with us". Find something he wants to do or enjoys doing outside of the house and go do it with him. (Make it something you enjoy too of course). What is his #2 favorite activity outside of computer gaming? That's outside the house? Find a way to go do it! For me, I love going to movies in the theater. I love going to Best Buy and cruising around. You know what his second non "deal with the kid" thing is.

It's a step in the right direction. Do as you wish of course, but I wouldn't do the whole "I'm pissed off" routine. Ask him what time raids or whatever with his guild start that day and plan around it. It's in no way ideal. It's not how it should be, but it's a start. He comes home from work and sits down at the computer? Try to delay it with the "Let's cook together, let's go for pizza" He can still play when he gets home, etc. I'm trying to help you begin to break the habit. I know that most people are rolling their eyes saying "How stupid! He should just quit period!" Those in the situation know that it's not a thing that just fixes itself immediately.

If he is "raiding" from 6-12 pm. Then he's free from 8am-6 on the weekend. The other stuff people do is just "fluff"

The other question I do have.. WOW sort of took a lesson from EQ to where you could still compete in the High End stuff and not be on for 8-10 hours at a time. I have not done them, but I think I have read that Onyxia/BWL can be done in 2 hour sections. And you can only do it every 3-4 days I think. That doesn't mean he should only play twice a week for 2 hours. There is preparation involved and other parts to being in a guild like that. There are some new things out there, but WOW did a good job apparently of taking away the "all day every day" thing that EQ allowed for.

Distraction doesn't only work with children. It works with adults too. Don't try to distract him away from playing, but why not distract delays to the start of the evenings and that prevent "all weekend playing"

Just some thoughts.

[sugarbeth]

My husband is a big gamer, but he's not an ass about it. He does his share of the work around the house first, then plays when there's nothing else to be done, and the kids are playing contentedly or asleep. If he wants to do a big instanced mission, he clears it with me first, making sure there isn't some reason he can't commit to it. I don't think I've ever said "no". Usually there's a trade-off between us - ie. he gets tuesday night to dork around and I'll take care of the kids, then I get wednesday night to work on my ceramics and he takes care of the kids. He plays WoW for a month or two, then deactivates the account and works on his miniature hobby for a while, then picks up WoW again. It's no big deal to stop playing for a bit. That "reputation" line is a just an excuse. Nobody in the game will give a sh*t if you stop playing.

To be honest, swimmin_mama's husband sounds pretty immature (for 30? is that right?). The fact that he posts in the same abbreviated chat-speak that one uses to talk in-game speaks volumes about how much this game runs his life. His stress and financial problems could very well be a result of his gaming addiction. Maybe he should be spending all that gaming time looking for a better job?

It's not swimmin_mama's job to come up with pleasant alternative activities to lure him away from his game. He should be grown up enough to help take care of his family first, then game in his free time, without being asked/nagged.

Oh, and I game too. Not so much lately as I've been focused on other hobbies, but I've got my own CoH account waiting in the wings. ;)

[rdl2k5]

It's not swimmin_mama's job to come up with pleasant alternative activities to lure him away from his game. He should be grown up enough to help take care of his family first, then game in his free time, without being asked/nagged.

I agree, but it's not improving and she asked for help.

It's easy to be on the soapbox, but when it's real time situations going on, people want to be solvers, not watchers.

The answer isn't just "Let him do his thing until he's ready"

[be11ydancer]

OH get this

I was playing City of Heroes the other night, and I was teamed up with a Husband and wife team. IRL They were married, they were gaming together, it was SOOOO SWEET! I go "Man it is bonus that you can affort two sep accounts! I think it's awesome that you game together!"

I told DH about it and he's like "Hon we can't afford two accounts right now but yeah it sounds nice :D"

I also said it was nice that for once I was teamed up with fellow adults. Most of the time it's like teenagers and younger kids playing. But it was nice to acctually team up with fellow parents. I"m part of a Supergroup *guild* lol

I know of a married couple who game at the same time and they have two young children. They put the kids in a room with a gate at the door, some snacks in the room and leave them to their own. They ignore the crying and the diapers. All this so they can game together. Does not sound cool at all. Sounds neglectful and irresponsible. What will their kids remember about them when they get older? Probably not much. :(

[KnitterMama]

My husband is a big gamer, but he's not an ass about it. He does his share of the work around the house first, then plays when there's nothing else to be done, and the kids are playing contentedly or asleep. If he wants to do a big instanced mission, he clears it with me first, making sure there isn't some reason he can't commit to it. I don't think I've ever said "no". Usually there's a trade-off between us - ie. he gets tuesday night to dork around and I'll take care of the kids, then I get wednesday night to work on my ceramics and he takes care of the kids. He plays WoW for a month or two, then deactivates the account and works on his miniature hobby for a while, then picks up WoW again. It's no big deal to stop playing for a bit. That "reputation" line is a just an excuse. Nobody in the game will give a sh*t if you stop playing.

To be honest, swimmin_mama's husband sounds pretty immature (for 30? is that right?). The fact that he posts in the same abbreviated chat-speak that one uses to talk in-game speaks volumes about how much this game runs his life. His stress and financial problems could very well be a result of his gaming addiction. Maybe he should be spending all that gaming time looking for a better job?

It's not swimmin_mama's job to come up with pleasant alternative activities to lure him away from his game. He should be grown up enough to help take care of his family first, then game in his free time, without being asked/nagged.

THANK . YOU. !!!!!

You seem to really understand where I'm coming from here.

[pumpkinsmama]

DH switched recently from UO to warcraft. Ughhhhh. I was hoping he'd play it less... no dice.

What realllllly kills me though, is having to put up with conversations that revolve around WOW. I mean really, there is enough going on in the real world. The very last thing I want to hear is talk about how "I killed this or that monster" "It's so tough until you gain enough experience" etc. etc. You are talking about a friggin computer game!!!!! If it is too hard, don't play! You didn't kill any monsters, you clicked a mouse, the computer interpreted your actions and followed a set of code to determine what would show on your computer screen. It is not real! Not wanting to go to the store with your wife and child because you are battling a computer program just sucks!

Read a fantasy book, at least that will expand your vocabulary/enrich you in some way.

Ughhhh.... In UO he had this great house that he took care of and flowers that he watered every day for a week! In real life our house was falling apart and the plants dying because he was too busy playing UO to water the real plants!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not trying to hijack the thread...Sorry! I just happened across this and thought, wow. Someone who will understand!

[InfoisPower]

I understand the need to decompress. I understand the damn game is engaging and mentally stimulating.

However, I am so (expletive deleted) tired:
a) of being told "just wait a minute" when I'm the primary caregiver and "I" am responsible for the kids for the most part 24/7. Except for maybe 5 hours a week. :hopmad
b) that I 've specifically bought a timer at his request so dh can limit the amount of time he'll play but he won't use it.
c) when if I don't say anything and expect him to behave in an adult way he'll instead play all weekend.:cuss
d) that I'm expected to care about his stinkin' 'toon. :censored
e)that our children are ignored and come second in his life, at least that is how it appears to me. :angry

You do not want to know what else I think, as I will not utter them on a public board. :splat

Everquest is definitely an addiction.:bang

[aishy]

my husband plays wow. he quit for like 8 months but his uncle wanted him to play with him so he has gotten back into it. i kinda missed the music. haha. Seriously, it drives me nuts. However if I really need him he WILL get up and do whatever. And I mentioned this thread to him last night and let him know yes lately you have been playing TOO much (coming home & getting straight on, anytime he has to do something he gets it done quick then gets right back on, etc. Uhm hi, remember me, the woman you married sitting here alone all the time?!) so he said he'll work harder to get back to the balance he had for awhile. It is all about balance, but the stupid games are addicting and make it hard to maintain that balance. We've learned that if I can gently remind him myself and the boys need time too he can realize he is doing too much. Today he took them outside to play ball, he also completely cleaned up the backyard & used a carpet cleaner in my living room. I think he deserves to play tonight (besdies. I was sleeping up till a friend called a little while ago. lol)

aisling

[CherryBomb]

Ughhhh.... In UO he had this great house that he took care of and flowers that he watered every day for a week! In real life our house was falling apart and the plants dying because he was too busy playing UO to water the real plants!!!!!!!!!!!!



Buwhaha! :LOL


Dh played for like, 4 hours today, but I also made him clean the bathroom and do a bunch of other stuff :P I did my chores so I played for a couple hours tonight :)

[Pandora114]

Well today is DH's day to play City of Heroes. We now have City of Villains *PRE ORDER WOOO*

Tomorrow is my day to play *when DD is asleep I go on hardcore mish's when she's awake I just do outdoor hunting while DH isn't home*

BTW, IRT the couple that games together and neglects their kids, that's awful. I am perfectly capable of multitasking, gaming and taking care of my kid. If I team, I let them know off the bat that IRL, my child is up and about and that I WILL go AFK, probably at the worst possible moment to go tend to her needs. If they can't accept that, they boot me off the team *Usually Teens/kids do this, other adults/parents dont, they get it*

The couple I played with had a 3yo and a 5yo, and the mom kept going afk to tend to them. But I didn't care one whit. I love teaming with those two. The dad said "It's her turn to put the kids to bed" Sure it made the mish a little longer, but who cares. Their kids got tended to.

I guess City of Heroes is a totally diff game than WOW in the addictive quality. I'm able to do one or two mish's and log for the day....

[sapphire_chan]

The real solution to the problem of having a dp with a game addiction is to sit down and talk with them and have *them* figure out a solution. However, in extreme cases, there are two options :LOL : 1. with a surge protector on the machine you can use the "knowing which circuit breaker controls the outlet the computer is plugged into" method, or 2. without a surge protector try the "sitting the baby down in his lap and leaving the house" method. (By the way, if you don't think the baby would be safe if you did that, then disconnect all the computer cables and lock them away where dp won't look; it's time for serious intervention.)


CoH seems to be much more family friendly than WoW. Or maybe the people who play it are just more responsible? (Sorry, sorry, had to get in a jab and WoW. :p )

[KnitterMama]

To be honest, swimmin_mama's husband sounds pretty immature (for 30? is that right?). The fact that he posts in the same abbreviated chat-speak that one uses to talk in-game speaks volumes about how much this game runs his life.
I thought I should add that English is not DH's first language, it's his _third_ so sometimes the nuances of the language, and particularly of online language are lost on him.

Still looking for a WoW solution ... :crap

[pumpkinsmama]

Me too. I am considering marriage counseling. I just can't believe that I might have to drag him into marriage counseling over a friggin computer game. I can't believe I have to compete with a computer game for attention!

Luck to you, mama. If I find something that works, I'll let you know.

[rdl2k5]

..

[DarkHorseMama]

FWIW, both DH and I are gamers....he is more into it than I, overall. However, I'm the WoW player in the household. We both have level 60 characters (on Azgeroth ;) ) but he has mostly curtailed his playing and found other interests.

My BIL is a freak-addict and his marriage is truly in the final throes. Their arguments have now degenerated from "how to spend family time" to "who will get custody of the kids." :( But being able to see their marriage from the outside, it is obvious that his gaming is one issue in a big marital universe. The major issue is that he doesn't respect her requests to keep it in a tidy little (timed) box and she doesn't repect him for her feelings of being resentful and lonely. It mostly boils down to a lack of respect for the marital partner on BOTH sides. The gaming is a symptom, not the disease.

I can fully understand the addictive qualities of gaming, and it can be extremely addictive to certain people. Just like I can go out and have a social drink if I want to, alcoholics don't have that luxury (generally). We have a couple of friends who are social smokers and my cousin smokes exactly one cigarette a day. I can't do that, as a former-but-still-recovering smoker. If I started that one cigarette, down the road I'd go. :( Everyone picks their poison. :shrug

I think if the gaming can't be conscribed to a relatively tidy box, then it is an addictive issue that is impacting the marriage. While the gamer may not be able to see the overall impact of frustration, resentfulness and loneliness on behalf of their partner, neither do alcoholics/barflies or others who have similar addictions. It is only once someone gets out of the weight of the addiction can the see the negative impacts and not the presumed positive gains. Everyone has their struggles and demons and it IS nice to get lost in a game for a while where you can (literally!) beat them down. But, like any addiction, there are underlying issues that should ideally be addressed.

PS: An EQ player in Florida is directly responsible for the death of his own child through neglectful and dangerous actions while he was playing. I have little doubt that his addiction was the problem overall, not that he really wanted to lose his son. :(

[Pandora114]

Ok if anyone is a COH Player, You can find me, as Sybil Nightside on Guardian Server

LOL I'm a lv 17 Healer so I'm a pretty useful player to have with you ;)

[mamabohl]

d

[sapphire_chan]

Woo hoo! He's on the road to recovery! Let's hope it continues, and wish him luck on his next appropriately timed guild raid :thumb

[KnitterMama]

My newest strategy - we're trying to score a backgammon game off Freecycle. DH is apparently also backgammon-crazy :nut ...used to play in Turkey all the time. Should be interesting ...

[Dov]

I saw a guy playing WoW at school... yes, in class. It looks neato. Should I start playing it?

[mamabohl]

d

[TigerTail]

bjorker, i was a camelot widow. i hate that game intensely. back in the day, i even tried to play (what was it back then- magestorm? lol, we were in a girl power guild, dh was allowed to stay, & then we found out our fearless leader was a megalomaniacal 13 yr old boy in metaphorical drag, & it pissed out. oh, mem'ries.)

anyway, good luck. it has been an ugly issue here before & i am kind of glad to see it finally addressed here, beyond the 'why don't you want him to have fun?' angle. :( no one who has not lived with a totally addicted gamer can grok what it is like to try to care for children, live with someone constantly angry from lack of sleep, & watch the focus of their entire lives revolve around their game. the closest i can think of is when i lived with my dead alcoholic spouse- everything revolved around that next drink.

anyway, we have found a compromise, hopefully one that will last- online magic. it doesn't have that constant leveling/raiding thing firing his 'game' synapses, that turns it into an obsession, but still seems to satisfy enough of his gaming urges. we play some rpgs on playstation together, and that is fun (chrono trigger for some retro action right now, & we will replay ff7 before 'advent children' comes out in nov.)

i do not think unsubbing his game will help (he will just call & get it put back on- happens a lot, apparently.) and password protect his stuff. don't go there, you can't win that game.

good luck, anyone who is suffering. it is hard to live with an addiction (esp one where much of society glosses over the extent of its family-destroying power.) magic is my dh's nicotine patch. it ain't perfect, but it's doable. :)

susan

[patbra]

Just wanted to share my experience. I agree with the post about video games being an addiction. My husband plays wow from the moment he gets home till he absolutely has to get some sleep. Weekends are completely devoted to the game and if I try to interrupt it's a big argument. I have given him uninterrupted time for hours where I will shut the door and take care of my child so he can play his game. The truth is; it's never enough time. He always wants more,, there is always something very important to be done in the game world.

We are in marriage couseling because I believe he uses the game as a scape from our reality and it's so bad that I have left my house and we now live separately. I will not accept his behavior because while he scapes I'm working full time, cleaning, cooking, and taking care of my child.. I agree that he will only stop when he wants to. The more I ask the more it looks like I'm nagging.


My counselor tells me that it's an addiction, and I believe it.

Mu husband has told me many times that he doesn't drink, go to bars, smokes.. what's wrong with playing wow? Everything is ok with moderation however he needs to understand that it's an addiction at this time.

Like you I felt neglected and it seemed to me that his life revolved around the game. I had to schedule things around the game. If I wanted him to do anything with me and my son I had to ask way ahead of time so he would fit in his schedule.

I've tried to disconnect the computer and it just lead to an ugly argument.

I'm still trying to figure out my situation, but right now I'm happier by myself with my child. He is also still playing his game, and he tells me he is happy.

Good luck

[danibu98]

I let dh play so long as he slings one of the twins, preferably the fussier one. But i enjoy playing too. we dont play wow tho.

Daniellr

[Baelzharon]

I'm a gamer dad, and well we're gaming parents. We both played EQ1, then EQ2 and then WoW together. However we realized that there simply was no way we could take care of a newborn and play a MMORG. The only recourse is to quit cold turkey. Now this doesn't mean he has to quit games all together, so I recommend buying him a few single player games. This is what I do now because I can pause them, and walk away without any problem now. Take a look at these games and hopefully he can pick one or two out that might meet his gaming needs. Some of them can be multiplayer, but for the most part you don't have to dedicate 3-4+ hours at a time to play one.

Neverwinter Nights
Knights of the Old Republic (1 and 2)
Farcry
Black and White (1 or 2 or both)
Civilization (4 just came out this week)

We sometimes play a game of Diablo 2 together, just the two us for fun.

[cletus]

Yeah, I can admit it, it IS an addiction. I felt like $#!^ sometimes when I would notice the little tricks and games I was playing in my head to try and get more time in the game, and I wasn't even any good at it (no char over lvl 30 after months of play). I never had time to do any instances because I would play at night when DS was sleeping, but have to stop if he got up.

I have lots of other thiings I want to do with my time, more creative things, so I finally just let my sub run out. I bought another month this summer while school was out (I'm a teacher) and DW was pregnant, and I'm psyched to buy another one some time, but now I've noticed that after playing for only a month I don't like how I feel. Weird, I know, to admit that I don't like parts of it and can't wait to do it again!

Anyway, I could rant for a long time about it, about the bizarre undercurrents of sexism, classism, and racism therein (you "owned" me? wtf?), not to mention having to put up with legions upon legions of homophobic teenagers. I get enough of all that during the day. (did I mention I'm a teacher?) See, I said I could rant, and now look what I've done. end.

Turn the damn game off. Life is weird enough.

[Pandora114]

Umm

LEEEEEEEERROOOOOY

JEEENNKKEENNSSSSS

[mamabohl]

d

[Pandora114]

I don't get it. :bag:


Ask your husband if he's a player. Ask him to show you the WoW vid about Leeroy.

[~Nikki~]

Umm

LEEEEEEEERROOOOOY

JEEENNKKEENNSSSSS

:lol

DH and I are both WoW'ers. We started out playing EQ together, before kids. It was a situation of "If you can't beat them, join them." He was playing all the time, and it seemed like a good way to spend some time with him. We got addicted - big time. We would play for a weekend at a time, with no sleep. It was pretty bad for awhile. Anyway, when we got pregnant with our first, we quit cold-turkey (and made $3000 on our accounts :)).

WoW is a lot more casual, and a lot less addicting than EQ was. It IS easy to stop playing, despite what people might tell you. We play with a group of friends we've made over the years, and they are totally understanding if we have to log off in the middle of an instance, because a baby has woken up.

Also, DH and I have made a pact with eachother, that RL (real life) MUST come first. If I decide that I want to do something else, or if one of the kids wakes up from a nap, or in the middle of the night, we log off, regardless of what we're doing. It's a game. It's not going anywhere. There is nothing crucial about it. The quests and monsters will all be there the next time we want to play.

There is no excuse for someone to be ignoring their daily tasks, and their loved ones, for this game. I hope that you and your DH get this issue resolved. Sorry to hear that you're going through it. I have plenty of friends whose relationships have dissolved because of MMORPG's. It's a real problem, and needs to be addressed.

[Pandora114]

Glad someone got Leeroy hehehe

"It's not my fault man"

"At least I got chicken"

[abimommy]

Ok...um..I guess I could add input.

I have worked at a comic book/rpg/gaming network store for a long time. (yeah...posting from a T-1 rocked!)

I have seen how it affects relationships...I was there answering the phone and making them talk to their girlfriend or wife. I have even banned people for a day so they would go be with their partner.

Some guys just need escape.

Some guys have serious addiction problems and will do anything if they can just sit around all day playing games. (who wouldn't?) the ones with serious addictions...do they have friends outside of the game? Do they have any hobbies other than computer games?

I agree about timer and agreed on time.

Yeah, some missions take a few hours. I would try giving a night or two a week. My husband plays every Tuesdays. He was playing every Monday and Tuesday but he was also working late three nights a week so we had to cut it down some so I would stop griping about it (you are gone FIVE nights a week!! AAAHHH!!)

Believe me..I love gaming as much as any girl. I have not played much online gaming since Diablo (#1...sigh) I was just playing a TON and now that I have dd I don't want to develop new gaming addiction. *L

I think it would also be fair if your dh gave YOU alone time a night or two a week. (take comp though....game addictors tend to play while babysitting..*L)

:hug

I really hope it works out...but your dh does need to sit down and work out his pixel problem so he doesn't hurt his family.

[Cosmic Butterfly]

Before I had my daughter and met my husband I was a UO addict. I had great experiences in the game, but it was seriously a waste of time. Now that I am a mother I don't even bother. I do not need to imprint my child with the memory of mom zoned out on a computer in some illusionary world. Its not for her higher good. That is our family though, we do not even have a tv....

Reading some of these posts I can feel for the mothers out there that have a husband controlled by a game. It CAN be ADDICTIVE, and I can feel the CRAZY POSESSED game lust vibe from some of the posts! Nothing is more important than your physical body, and physical family. When you say I will play for 1 hour and half you need to follow through. You have a choice not to take your character on some long journey when you made a time commitment. And you know exactly what you are doing in the back of your mind when you have the option to get into a long situation. Tell your men who are pushing the gameworld/illusion too far to stop being selfish! If that doesnt work morph into a Ultra Dragon Mother monster and see if his level 60 can deal with that. :hammer :firedevil :demon :thumb ;)

PS: I also have a tip. The fighting, and magic is much more fun in RL. Perhaps see if DH would be interested in taking up a Kung Fu weapons class, or Tai Chi. Then he can pick up a REAL sword, get a good work out,destress,good self esteem, and move towards something very beneficial and physically tangible. Maybe even inspire the older kids, and teach them little moves. :wink


Love and Light

Cosmic

[Leanie]

I am so happy I found this forum. I thought that I was over reacting to my DH's addiction to Warcrack. It is the focus of his life. The kids and I are just secondary at best...he'll stop to eat and go to the bathroom, so I guess that puts us in somewhere around fifth place.

He's the guy who didn't go to work on a Tuesday, because the computer crashed and had someone come to the house to fix it (cost $250) so he could make the molten core run for that evening. This is the same guy that when I told him the Drs. found densities in both of my breast and I have to go back for another mamogram, he didn't stop playing the game! Fortunately the second screenings came back negative. He plays about 50 hours a week, not to mention has gotten our teenage daughter involved too.

Our relationship is ruined over this. We have NO relationship on any level, emotional, physical or spiritual. The impact hit me yesterday when I was digging thru some boxes looking for my kid's photos with Santa to put out as a display. I found some of our old 'love letters' and was faced with the reality that I don't feel anything for my DH. It's very depressing. The amazing thing is that he thinks we have a great marriage (his needs are met, none of mine are), when in reality we have nothing except for cohabitation...we don't even have sex anymore because he gaming until 1am most nights. I'm up at 4:30am most mornings so it just doesn't happen. We don't even talk about it (I've tried). And the only affair that he's having is with the keyboard between needing time for sleep and working 50+ hrs a week.

I am looking for a marriage counselor and hope that we are not too far gone for it to help. Sorry this is so depressing. I am just very tired of being the parent to everyone in the house.

Thanks for letting me vent. I have very few friends (we move alot) and I lost my best friend several years ago to BC, so I really have no one to talk to. The last thing I want to do is burden any new friendship by being an energy void (you know the kind of person I'm talking about).

Kids are up! Thanks for listening.
Leanie

[TigerTail]

i'm sorry, leanie. the most hope i can personally give you right now is that it comes and goes. :(

what a sad little tribe. (and i don't even have it worst, because my dh comes to sanity about once a year & swears off for awhile.)

it is very hard to see humor in any of it, but try not to let it eat you alive. with children, there is a reason to hang in there & try to make things better.

(i'd suggest counseling, but when my dh went he said the counselor said it was my problem, & that his relaxation of an evening was perfectly reasonable. yes, i'm sure any professional witnessing the depth of this addiction at its worst would say that. :eyesroll but it might be of use if you went, or if you went together.)

badgerbadgerbadgerbadger... (that was for you, abi :lol) was it you who showed me that wow link with the guy who freaking lost it when somebody stole his whatsit? god, post that thing & give these poor mamas a laugh. dh & i did roll over that one. if you can still laugh together there is always hope. and eff, that's funny (if in a way only us gamers/gamer widows/widowers- i know you're out there ;) 'cause i know some obsessed mamas irl- can entirely grok.)

susan

[mamabohl]

d

[KnitterMama]

I got that one! :lol

:bouncy what is it? what is it? :bouncy

[TigerTail]

http://badgerbadgerbadger.com/

i can't find that crazy wow guy anywhere; if anyone has the link, oh PLEEEEEAAAAZZZZE post it. (my dh may be able to find it when he gets home; being a camelot fiend, it's not like that or 'badger' would be *personal* or anything :lol)

susan

[KnitterMama]

Glad someone got Leeroy hehehe

"It's not my fault man"

"At least I got chicken"
Dude.

I WATCHED it and I still didn't get it. :lol

:shrug

[Pandora114]

no one *gets* Leeroy. Unless one *IS* A Leeroy.

Leeroy:

Someone who goes AFK during an important strategy session before a huge run into a huge agro area, then when he gets back, rushes right in and gets his entire team massacred.

Yes, even City of Heroes/Villains has their fair share of Leeroy's

The person behind the Leeroy Jenkins toon, was in this order: Smoking a joint, and then paying for some KFC Delivery. Or paying for KFC delivery and then smoking a joint who knows. I just know he was smoking a joint and eating KFC.

[KnitterMama]

Ohhhh I get it. :lol

I'll have to dazzle DH with my new WoW knowledge.

[KnitterMama]

My husband is a big gamer, but he's not an ass about it. He does his share of the work around the house first, then plays when there's nothing else to be done, and the kids are playing contentedly or asleep. If he wants to do a big instanced mission, he clears it with me first, making sure there isn't some reason he can't commit to it. I don't think I've ever said "no". Usually there's a trade-off between us - ie. he gets tuesday night to dork around and I'll take care of the kids, then I get wednesday night to work on my ceramics and he takes care of the kids. He plays WoW for a month or two, then deactivates the account and works on his miniature hobby for a while, then picks up WoW again. It's no big deal to stop playing for a bit. That "reputation" line is a just an excuse. Nobody in the game will give a sh*t if you stop playing.

To be honest, swimmin_mama's husband sounds pretty immature (for 30? is that right?). The fact that he posts in the same abbreviated chat-speak that one uses to talk in-game speaks volumes about how much this game runs his life. His stress and financial problems could very well be a result of his gaming addiction. Maybe he should be spending all that gaming time looking for a better job?

It's not swimmin_mama's job to come up with pleasant alternative activities to lure him away from his game. He should be grown up enough to help take care of his family first, then game in his free time, without being asked/nagged.

Oh, and I game too. Not so much lately as I've been focused on other hobbies, but I've got my own CoH account waiting in the wings. ;)


Hey there again,

Ok my wife is not here at the moment and I am using her account to answer. So I apologise before hand.

Also my english is my second language se be warned before hand for any grammar mistakes.

I read theese forums sometimes and today when I saw this response I just tought that I shouyld explain it a little more.

First off all I believe I took down my playing hours a little. I haven't been raiding in WOW for the last 5 weeks at all. Just get online with my main and talk with friends for 5 minutes thats it. Altough I have another character that I am working on but I don't play it as often as I used to play.

Meanwhile I am still playing after work when I come home. Mostly my wife and my son are a sleep. But nowadays I don't spend as much time as I used to. Also I guess thats because I don't play WOW when I come home. I've tried to change my hobbies. I mean I like reading or playing pool or watching movies, my life isn't just about gaming. Fridays and saturdays DW doesn't have school so I trying to go out with my collegues after work (I work from 4.30 pm to midnight- 5 days a week) to shoot some pool. I feel guilty about this actually because DW doesn't have the same chance to do what I do. I would feel a lot better if I was at home then going out spending 4-5$ for beer and pool.

I know my wife wants more attention from me. I've been trying to chance my habbit of gaming in one of my off days into a time well spend with DW and DS. I am doing this because in last couple months she changed a lot of things in her life. I am not saying this as she should had changed her life but there was a point that I couldn't handle it anymore. You may say thats because I am from a different culture but while I won't go into the details it is not about the culture.

Also a little detail about finding a different job. As you can see my english isn't perfect and there isn't any job out there that can provide enough money where I can pay for childcare while she is at school and while I am at a daytime job. Right know the job I have is the best for time wise. I take care of our DS while she is at school, she comes back I get ready and I go to work. Its a good deal since we have only one car. Now if anyone has a idea where to find a job that pays enough so I can pay my rent, utilities, day care, groceries please please please let me know because honestly either I am dumb to not see thoose opportunitys or just plain unlucky for living in a town that doesn't offer anything like that....

I know my wife probably didn't told you that my english is my second language, so in that case the comment about my chat style typing is forgiven...

I wish i could say more but i do no want to talk about problems we had/have in theese forums..

[TigerTail]

ot, but swimmingmama's dh, i just wanted to say that your command of english is spectacular. you are vastly more literate in your second language than a majority of native speakers. i had to look twice to see even minor spelling errors.

and i will keep you in my prayers regarding a better-paying job. i remember the struggles we had before a job in my dh's industry came to our city (well, we are still struggling now, but that is beside the point. :lol)

good luck, susan

[KnitterMama]

i :heartbeat my dh! he really has made a huge effort to cut-back on the gaming some, or to game at more appropriate times. things have been A LOT better around here for all of us. i'm so glad we were finally able to come up with a solution which works for everyone. dh did his first instance in a loooooooooong time last night.

on a side note, re: leroy :rotflmao i totally get it now. after the pp explained it i watched it a second time with dh and couldn't stifle the laughter even before it started playing :lol . dh went out for a smoke during a break in the instance last night and i couldn't resist gleefully yelling "LEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JEEEENNNKEEEEENSSS!!" as he rushed back into the computer room. :rotflmao

[Pandora114]

now you know the true magick of Leeroy.

It spans into the world of Paragon City and the Rogue Isles!

YES! there are Leeroys in City of Heroes/Villains.

I was going into a mission with me, scrapper, a blaster, and we were waiting on our tank. This was the Frost Fire mission, aka big mish, lotsa agro. The blaster was the tank's friend. he's like "Dude the tank is off smoking a joint" I promptly kick the tank from the team with the msg "I dont want a Leeroy, thanks anyway"

[2lilsweetfoxes]

Blizzard has installed a new feature for people in this situation wrt WOW: Parental Controls. You basically can block out times that the gaming addict can and cannot play. Go to www.worldofwarcraft.com. Follow the parental controls links. You will need the account user name and password. Oh, and you may need the security feature passcode. Be sneaky about getting it if you must. "Oh, I think I want to try playing a bit, see why you like it so much...etc...". You will also set a different passcode for the parental controls from the account password. Just don't give it to the gamer....HTH.

[Viola]

I guess my point was that I don't see why your husband feels like he can't leave in the midst of something when you need help.


He's probably doing a Molten Core run and Rag is almost down. Epic drops, baby!

Just kidding. My husband plays a lot and sometimes I get annoyed even though I also play. I guess I'm lucky he is reasonably sensitive and also that he plays on the laptop in the living room. If things get hairy enough, he has to pack it in because he doesn't find any pleasure in it at that point.

[mamabohl]

d

[Viola]

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer; too bad he has never cried.

[mamabohl]

d

[Ambrose]

so if this has been solved then i apologize.


My DH and I set Instance Run Nights. Friday nights are usually instance run nights (especially necisarry when you get up in the 50's/60 because it take foreeeeever to do a ZG or LBRS run if you got crappy people.)

He sets down to play at 8/9ish and I don't bother him so he can play and enjoy. The other times he's on if it's not enough to start anything significant it's catching the flight paths to the other areas. (those flight paths can be LOONG).

DH says it's like work. You have a scedule for work yes? Make a schedule for WoW

[Viola]

Ugh, I don't like ZG.

[kaylee18]

I'm a lifelong gamer too. I am also an ivy league graduate -- a physicist.

I am a gaming addict. In fact, gaming and other problems led me to leave graduate school before finishing my Ph.D. in Applied Physics. I consider heavy gaming at the expense of the rest of life’s pleasures to be a good sign of addiction.

While still at Caltech, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, much as you describe your husband as having. Any little thing that stressed me out would result in hours playing whatever video game I could get my hands on. I also played online poker obsessively and rarely went outside. (Luckily, my math skills permitted me to turn a small -- very small -- profit.)

The university psychiatrist placed me on Wellbutrin after I nearly failed out of the first half of my first quarter, but this did little to solve any problems. I felt a little better, but the drug actually made me even more nervous than I already had been. I decided I wasn't really depressive, and quit taking the drug. The nervousness went away, but things still got worse.

After having worked so hard to get straight A's as a freshman, after earning my degree in Applied Physics at the #3 (at the time) university in the U.S., and after finally being admitted to the university of my dreams for graduate school, I proceeded ditch classes in Quantum Mechanics, failed to do my Solid State Theory homework, and didn't read my assignments. I had little time to do lab work, but drank way too much caffeine (I strongly believe this was a major factor in what happened) and had plenty of time to chat about the most mundane things while folding and raising on Paradise Poker. I was constantly worried, knowing I needed to STOP PLAYING and get some serious work done.

After I packed my stuff and left graduate school for good, I continued to play games. My failure to finish school weighed very heavily on me, and ditching my responsibilities didn't help how I felt.

My wife and I moved to Hawaii, and around that time WoW was released. I bought the game the day it came out, and basically played non-stop (and I do mean that) until I hit level 60. I rarely did anything other than playing, thinking that since I had left school, I might as well get this gaming thing out of my system.

Lucky for me, my wife was, and still is, VERY understanding of my quirks and wanted to help me more than she wanted to be angry with me. She would get upset with me occasionally, but for the most part she just wanted to help.

After I hit level 60, I quit the game cold turkey. I wish I could say it was for good reasons -- that there were other things I needed to do and I knew it, or because the game was eating my life -- but the fact is, I got tired of waiting for PvP to be released, and it was hard to get into instances since everyone who was already 60 was tiring of doing them over and over. I quit about 3 days after the opening of the Dire Maul instance.

Soon after that, my wife discovered 5-HTP, and I have been taking it since then. It was recommended by someone online, and is OTC, and is a proven anti-depressant. It has changed much about my life in a short time.

After months of ignoring nearly everything I needed to do, and with the house in complete disarray, in just a few weeks I repaired the car, cleaned much of the house, did the shopping, paid the bills, sorted papers, put my things in order, regained my desire to go out, and on and on.

I can even play a game now and then and NOT stay on the computer for 16 hours straight. I still play for a few hours at a time, but nothing like I used to do. If I find myself falling back into gaming addiction even after being on 5-HTP, I'll just have to give up gaming for life and join "GA" or something...

I never considered myself to be depressed or addicted while in the midst of leveling my character or selling my latest find. I was never sad, never angry... I just "needed" to play "one more game" to detox, after which I was sure I would get up and "work on that projected I had been planning for the last 4 months."

If gaming has eaten into your life this substantially, if this sounds at all familiar, I urge you to seek professional care. At the very least, try taking 5-HTP for 4 weeks. It's pretty cheap (check Wal-Mart) and works very well in some people. (100mg 3x per day is what I take -- read the directions, I'm not a doctor, YMMV). At least look up how 5-HTP works on the net.

I saw some of my fondest life dreams trashed because of gaming addiction and problems with stress. I've come out on the other side, not too much worse for wear, in large part because of my wife. It's hard for me to imagine what life might have been like had I not had these problems to begin with, nor what would have happened if she had not intervened.

I know many gamers out there will read this and think, "I'M sure as hell not mental!" Let me REPEAT that I did NOT feel depressed, did not feel at all "down" in the way you would expect someone with a depressive or anxious disorder or to act or feel. I just felt like I needed to de-stress "a little bit more" and was always "around the corner" from doing what I needed to do.

If you are CERTAIN this is not a problem for you or your spouse, there ARE some things you can do in WoW to help limit playing.

1: Drop the guild. Just do it. /quildquit or whatever the command is. Those people "need you so much" that it's ruining the rest of your life. Just say, "thanks so much for all your help, and if I see you around I'd still love to play, but I can't afford to ruin my life for this game. Love y'all. /gquit". A large part of the belief that you NEED to play for any particular length of time or at a specific time is tied up with everyone in your guild begging you (or worse, expecting you!) to go with them on some run. Just get out of that environment, and you won't feel nearly so much pressure to perform. Despite what you may think, you CAN get into instances and join parties even when you aren't in a guild.

2: Tell your spouse your password, and get them to change it to something only they know. Then get them to log you in occasionally. You must agree not to hit or guilt said spouse into logging you on when there is other stuff to be done. It is imperative that the spouse not be too limiting, or this will backfire. Now you will only play when you both agree it's appropriate.

3: Take out your credit card and buy all the armor/items/gold you wish you had off of e-Bay. I know this sounds silly, but if you can afford it, why not? Everyone knows you have to run the same (*@#&% instance a million times to get that special piece. Why not pay 20$ and just get the darn thing? Would you pay $500 to get your life back? You will eliminate hundreds of hours of "have to play" time. Once you have all that stuff, you'll be amazed at how not important it is to do all that instance running. When you've finally realized there are other things to do other than play with virtual junk, sell your pimped out character for $800 to some millionare that doesn't want to play through to level 60.

4: Quit. If you're really not addicted, but the game is ruining your life, just quit.


I learned the hard way how serious gaming addiction can be. I will never be called "Doctor," nor have the chance to teach Physics to anyone at a major school. Luckily, my life's dream has always been more to work for myself and start my own inventing business than to do these things. My wife is very supportive of that, and even though I do not have a Ph.D., I still have a very good education. I even had a year at one of the best universities anywhere studying under some of the worlds most famous physicists.

I will consider myself fully healed when I can wear my Caltech sweater with pride and remember that I got in and went there for a while, even if severe problems with anxiety ruined my opportunity to get through the program.

Things have worked out well for me. I have all the tools I need, I have my ivy league education, I have my 5-HTP, I have my wife, and I have my future. But I lost about 4 years of my life to a problem I didn't even really realize or wanted to admit that I had.

There are better things in life than meeting stones. I hope your husband remembers this and chooses you and your family over virtual property that doesn't love you back very well.

[x,p]=i*hbar

Good luck.

[doula_mama]

First, I'll admit that I have not read EVERY response so if I am repeating anything I apologize (I got to page 3).

Both my DH and I play WoW...we play on our own and together at times and have a lot of fun with it. However, we have set guidelines as to when we can play. We have picked three nights of the week that we play after the kids are in bed (or sometimes while we are getting them to sleep: ie: nursing while playing) and on special days that we both agree on (like if we were gone two of our nights we might play a different night).

My DH is a lvl60 and wants me to mention that there are a lot of things to do other than "40 man raids" and many quests can only be done in a 5 man group even as a lvl60. Also, we have other toons at various lvls that we play when we have a smaller time period. We even have toons that are only for soloing.

Lastly, I understand that his reputation in his guild and the server is important to him...but it is a game. His reputation with his family should come first. My DH will often get off quick by saying "I need to work on my faction with my wife."

Good luck to you!

[rdl2k5]

I think when people say that there are only 40 man raids or raids in general, that this is an accurate statement. Sure, there are quests that need a 5 man group to do, and there is some solo content, but there's really not much point in any of it. Most of the upgrades are minor at best and essentially, you're just doing the content to kill time.

When you are raiding with a guild, you are attempting to outfit everyone in the guild so that later on you can conquer new tasks as a group. Guild raids typically aren't to outfit individuals, they are to make the guild as a whole better.

Spending 2-3 hours doing a 5 man quest to get a small upgrade has no real benefit. The equipment has very little benefit unless you are raiding.

I played a level 60 hunter and had a lot of fun with it. I did PVP in the battlegrounds for a long while and hit my limit for how high I could go. The only way to progress any further was to play nearly twice the amount I was playing or to do the higher level raids. I saw no point in simply maintaining my rank (which means nothing since the gear you get you keep) so I just walked into the computer room and deleted it without a second thought.

Since then, I've been playing Civ4 and AOE3. I'm having the most fun with Civ4 and while it draws you in and makes you stay up late, you can stand up at any time.

[WoodWorkerDad]

My wife told me about this thread a few days ago and asked that I come and give my advice since I'm in to gaming quite a bit and we've managed to work out a good agreement despite my addiction.

I'm glad that Swimmin and her dh have started to get on the same level with his gaming. It sounds like their communication is really improving. Improving Communication has been the best thing my wife and I have done to improve our marriage

I don't play games while our boy is awake, only when he is asleep or having quiet time with mom (he's done napping but still needs some down time every day). Even when they are having quiet time I still ask her if I can go play just to make sure it's ok.

Back in 2000 I was really heavy into Diablo 2, I know it's not a MMORPG, but for me it was addictive enough, there were days when I'd play online for 8 hours or more with my neighbor (single guy). My DW would come in and see how I was doing and pat the back of my head since that's all she could see.

That continued for nearly a year, at which point I found a Space based MMORPG that was still in it's beta stage and I signed up and got to play for free. I remember the intense desire I felt to play that game, how I wanted to play as much as I could, to level up and comete against the other people, this desire was so much more than I had ever felt with Diablo 2. I placed an order with EA to buy the full version when it was released. I rember tha anger and rage I felt when the game didn't show up on the first day it was public. I was furious! Day after day went by and I was getting angrier and angrier with EA that they would make me wait to play this online game. I got so mad I called EA to cancel the order, if they couldn't supply me with my crack fast enough then they wouldn't get my money.

A few days after that I woke up and looked back on the last week and thought, "What the hell was I doing? Getting mad over a game?". I was actually happy that they were so slow to ship it, it let me see how crazy I'd been. I also felt very guilty for ignoring my wife for so long, what a heel I'd been!!! Never again!

That experience was a real wake up call for me. After that I swore off playing any and all MMORPGs. I don't want to let my life get taken over by a game.

rdl2k5 is right, playing things like Civ4 and other single player games are just as fun, and I can hit 'ESC' and walk (or run) away if needed.

My DW also encourages me to do other thigns that I'm interested in. I've re-taken up my old hobby of wood working and I've been building usefull things for my son and wife. My little guy likes Thomas the Tank engine so I built him a train table and nailed the track to it so he can drive them around. For my wife I'm building a king sized platform style bed frame, that's a huge job it's kept me away from gaming for about 5 nights so far and I can see it taking another 5 or 7 nights. I've built a few wooden toy cars for our boy he seems to enjoy them. It's so nice to see him playing with a simple wooden car and still enjoying it.

I've also built a PVR (A homebrew TiVo see: www.byopvr.com) so that we can watch our shows with no commercials after our little one has gone to bed, we have our together time and enjoy our favourite shows (Lost, Family guy, Holmes on Homes and a few others). Always having the shows we want to watch available makes it really easy to avoid the computer and spend time together in the evenings.

I saw a few posts from people with money problems who were stressing pretty bad. Money is tight around here too since DW stopped working. We have talked it over and we have a plan and a budget for our money. I wasVERY stressed about money before we got our plan in place, but now I have no money stress any more even though we sometimes dip into our overdraft. We've sat down and looked at all of our expenses and tried to reduce them where we can. We've replaced most of our lights with CFL bulbs that use 80% less power and installed a digital Thermostat that lowers the heat at night and a few other things that we figured would save money. Each one by it'self doesn't save much, maybe $5-$10 but together they add up to $50 or $60 a month! Any big purchase we need or want we talk about it and save up the money before we buy it. We need a new dryer, dishwasher and kitchen counters, we're saving up the money as fast as we can, some months we don't have any moeny left over, but sometimes we get to put $50 or even $100 towards them. We have credit cards but try as hard as we can to avoid using them since the interest rate is so high.

Again, I'm really glad that Swimmin and her DH are making things better for themselves, good work!

[WoodWorkerDad]

A Follow up thought...

Ever since I've become a dad I've tried to turn it into a game. I try to be a better dad than my wife's sister's hubby. I have a big head start since he cheated on his wife and fathered a child with another woman, but hey, it's still nice to continually blow him out of the water in the dad department.

I work hard to get a better job than him, play with the boy more than he plays with his kids. Do more and better renovations to our house than he does to his (I think his wife does them all while he loafs on the couch). Not only does it make me feel good to be better than him, it gets me some brownie points with my wife who in turn lets me play games after the little one is in bed! It's a win-win for everyone!

[Yoshua]

Blizzard has installed a new feature for people in this situation wrt WOW: Parental Controls. You basically can block out times that the gaming addict can and cannot play. Go to www.worldofwarcraft.com. Follow the parental controls links. You will need the account user name and password. Oh, and you may need the security feature passcode. Be sneaky about getting it if you must. "Oh, I think I want to try playing a bit, see why you like it so much...etc...". You will also set a different passcode for the parental controls from the account password. Just don't give it to the gamer....HTH.


Hi, this issue is more of a communications issue. Not a control issue. I wouldn't advise anyone taking this route on this. I am dating a single mother who is 'partially' concerned about me playing 'Warcrack' as you so liberally name the game. Which in all honesty is a fantastic name for it. It can be highly addicting to people in certain situations.

However.... If your DH is delving in to this world, attempting to 'control' the time he plays without his consent is probably not the wisest thing to do.

You asked for a gamers advice, here it is.

Work out times and structure for gaming. I know that sometimes events and dinners and what not will come up and the games will have to be set aside. But if you and your DH have an open communication about the time frames that things are appropriate then this will 'SLOWLY' but surely become a non issue.

Now this is if there is already healthy communication between the couple. If there is not, then sometimes the DH or Male, or even GAMER because believe it or not there are real life females that play Warcraft, will retreat more in to this world and rebel against what you bring to them.

I was in a relationship, marraige actually, where things were definately not healthy. No I will not go in to details, but you will have to take my word for it that video games was my LAST resort to escape a bad thing. However it also turned out to be my only resort.

So a word of the wise, for those of you with this issue, and have an open loving caring relationship with you 'hubby' then a structured time frame for playing will help you out.

Ok, now that the advice is by, here are some things you may not know.

1-Warcraft is not a game that you can play for 10-20 minutes and achieve anything. That is barely enough time to log in and contact your online friends.

2-Some game sessions may last up to and way over 4 hours. In the open communication talk it is best to bring this up and be 'understanding' that it can and WILL occur. What you should do is ask your DH if their 'Guild' has 'Scheduled Raids' He will know what you are asking and can explain it to you. If they do then understand that once or twice a week a true warcraft player will want to do an extended period of play.

3-Extended periods of play will caus grouchiness, often times the outcome of that 4 hour play session is NOT what the player desired. Be warned and be understanding.

4-Give leeway but also expect your DH to not up and say 'sorry, i have to bail because of a raid tonight' If you have a structured plan, and open communication this will not be a problem

and this is the most important piece of advice i can give you

5-You married or mated with a Gamer, probably in full knowledge that they were a gamer. Weather you want to believe it or not gaming helped form the way he thinks, and the person he is. If that is the person you love, do yourself a favor and try not to alter it 'TOO MUCH' because his personality WILL CHANGE, and not nessesarily for the better.


That is all
-Yoshua


I will log on periodically, my Girlfriend asked me to take a look at this thread so I could explain some of the things about the game to her, I felt compelled to put my 2 cents in. Take it or leave it. No skin off my bum. Take the meat and leave the bones.

[wowplayer]

Hi. I am a 17 years old world of warcraft player. This site unusually would be the last place i would be at, but today i am doing a research project on the geat community that MMORPGS can build. I am a 60 warrior on Crushridge, in the top guild on the server as well. I have a 3.2 gpa(I still try hard in school). I do play more than 3 to 4 hours a day, but most of the time is on ventrillo, which is a place for WOWplayers to speak to each other. I am in a very loving guild, i have met many good friends. I think your husbands have also found friends like me. One thing very unusual about my guild is we have 60 members, and there is 10 girls. it might be a very small number, but that is huge for the MMORPG community. All of these girls are wifes or girls friends of other guild members. Some are old MMORPG players that switch to WOW, and many others were drag into the game and later on found it was a great way to spend time with their husband. And from personal experience many female did not like the game at first contect, because they are more shy of this gigantic world full of strangers. But when the social aspect of the game gets you, you might really enjoy it. When i have problems i many times talk to my guild member instead my parents, because they have became my true friends. more than 1/3 of my guild have kids, and we have rule that they are allow them to take long breaks to hang out with their familly. Most of them only have 1 character. which i personally find to be the best way to limit the time of playing. because the less people you have to worry about, the less time it consumes. and by having to only put your time on one character, the pace of acheiving the goal becomes fast, which make the game less addictive.
i truely hope you guys can become happy dealing with us(wowplayers) , from my research today i found information such as Regular use or alcohol and cigaretts strengthen the addiction of games, for those who are not addicted it actually produce the add