I feel so angry, and I don't even know what I'm angry at! (long vent)

[AllyRae]

This is probably a completely useless post, but I have to get it out... I don't want to sit here and be angry and take it out on my husband or toddler because they just don't deserve it, so I have to get it out somewhere. Please feel free to ignore me...

I just don't know...I want to kick and scream and yell, and I just don't know who or what I'm angry at. I'm not angry at the doctors and nurses...they did what they could given the fact that it was a seemingly normal pregnancy. I'm not angry at the fact that the heart defect was never caught on ultrasound--noone thought to look for it since there's not a family history. I'm not angry at God, although I'm not sure why not... It's almost like I'm angry at the baby...but I don't want to be. I'm angry that he's not here and he should be.

I'm angry that I did everything right, down to taking 6 stupid nasty spirulina pills and 2 prenatal vitamin pills each day and eating things I hated just because they were healthy, yet people who smoke and drink and eat fast food get to keep their babies. I'm angry that I was in 2 different pregnancy groups (one on each of 2 different sites) and we became friends, and now they're all moving on with their babies and I have nothing to add anymore. I want to be happy for all of my friends that are having babies, but instead my eyes just well up with tears because I'm supposed to have one too...

I don't want to be angry, but in some ways I do...I want to know what to direct my anger at though. But I don't because I don't understand how this happened...I don't understand how a perfectly healthy baby with no family history of any birth defects ends up with a heart defect and dies during birth. It doesn't make sense... I thought those things didn't happen anymore. Medical science can keep a 1 pound baby alive, but my healthy full term baby dies during birth and noone knows why.

I don't know whether to be angry at the medical field or myself for failing Ryland. I just wish I knew what went wrong...at what point during my pregnancy did this defect form and what happened during that time--why didn't his heart form correctly, and why couldn't a stupid ultrasound find it. Why did I let the doctors tell me his very fast and very slow heartrates were normal fluctuations because they went back to the average range after 20 minutes. Why didn't we do more things during this pregnancy like we did the first time around--we didn't take weekly or even monthly belly pictures, we didn't have a little party, noone ever asked how the pregnancy was going. And now, all I have are questions and very little of anything else to remember him by.

There's just so much I want to be angry about....but I just don't know what I'm angry at. Or who. :sigh: I just miss my baby so much and all I want to do is scream and yell and throw stuff...but I can't do that. :(

Sorry about the vent...but I had to let it out somewhere. And I'm happy I finally did. Thank you for those that read it.

[lisahas2cats]

Hugs, thoughts, and prayers to you......I'm so sorry for your loss :( It's not much to offer, but I had to post...

Lisa

[KYCat]

Hugs, hugs, hugs.
Don't apologize for "yelling" here. It's important to get it out somewhere and where better than here?
I'm so sorry that I can't be of an help other than to remind you to be gentle with yourself. All of your emotions are valid and need to be expressed.
Hugs, hugs, hugs.

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

(((Ally)))

Let it out, Ally. We're all here for you to lean on anytime. :hugs

[gratefulbambina]

I could not read & not post. Im so sorry for your loss :hug

[joesmom]

It isn't fair, & it doesn't make sense. You can come here ANY time, & vent, cry, whatever. However YOU feel, is the right way for you to feel. Never let anyone tell you it is time to move on, or "get over it" (how could you??) or whatever. You are in my prayers.

[Debstmomy]

Oh Ally!:hugs All those unanswered questions can drive you crazy!! It is the worst, but eventually you will come to terms with them. Until then, be angry, at everything & nothing at the same time. Scream (I TYPE IN CAPS!) punch your pillow, someone even suggested buying cheap plates @ the 2nd hand store & throwing them down on the ground (I did not do this one, I did not want to clean up the mess.)
I do not have the answers to your questions (I truly wish I did), but you can come & vent here all you want. You are not alone. You do not cry alone, we cry with you.
Take Care Mama. Be gentle on yourself. Hugs & much Love

[egoldber]

:hug I'm so sorry. I know it doesn't help, but please know that the guilt and the anger are normal parts of processing your grief. It gets better with time. There are good days and bad days. It never goes away, but the sharpness and intensity of the pain subsides. A very good book that I found very helpful to me was "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart". It helped me to see the range of "normal" feelings and to realize that the almost overhelming surge of emotions was normal.

If you haven't yet, I would write down your birth story as you remember it. And I found that talking about it with as many people as possible helped me to process it and make some sense of it.

And remember to be gentle with yourself. You've been through the unimaginable and you need to give yourself time to grapple with it.

[gossamer]

Ally, I am angry for you and with you. It is not fair that you didn't get to keep your baby. It is not fair that there are so many moms who do nothing right all pregnancy long and do get to keep thier babies. It is not fair that others who have had their babies will move on with this new phase of their life in joy and happiness, and you will move on in grief and sorrow. I agree, it is not fair and I am mad as hell for you.
Gossamer

[mamaley]

Ally, be as angry as you feel like being. You have every right to be angry.

And it is completely normal to feel angry at the person you have lost, even though logically you know it is not their fault.

:hug You have a lot of women here, me included, who are thinking of you and who are sad and angry with you. Please vent/talk/share/scream/etc here all you want.

[Lynski]

Of course you're angry. Who wouldn't be? It's cruel and terribly unfair that Ryland isn't here with you. I'm angry for you. So do what you need to do, yell, cry, scream. Whatever you need to do to get it out, and take care of yourself. :hug:

[AutumnMama]

:hug
I'm so sorry that this happened to you and your family.

I agree with the previous posters, be gentle with yourself...but I really think that you need to be able to let your anger out. Have your DH take your DC out to do something and just let it all out. Hit a pillow (or a wall..or whatever), scream, rage, cry!
Your body and heart need to process this grief.

I've only had one rather early MC, so I can't pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I can imagine, and I will be praying for you :hug


You're not alone, there are so many women here that have been through similar circumstances and are here to support you as you work through this excruciating time.

:hugs again Mama

[Len]

:grouphug
Ally, your post here is not useless. Writing, yelling, crying, wanting to smash objects, blaming yourself, it's all normal and it's part of the cycle we have to go through to move in with our grief.

We can not pretend everything is normal, because it is not. We just have to learn to ride the waves of pain; sometimes they will be very intense but usually afterwards we will have time to recover for the next (much like labor).

Recently after my loss, I was taking a combination of homeopatics/bach flowers that took the edge off it some.

And as everyone else said, we are here to cry with you and to listen to you.

:hug

[rn]

let it out Ally,
It sucks. And everything your feeling is valid. Every single bad thought.
The worst thing in the world happened to you and to your baby.

I still want to kick and scream and yell and throw stuff... I have seriously been thinking of different options to let this aggression out without hurting myself or anyone or anything else while doing it. If I come up w/ something I will let you know, so you can try it if you want to.

keep talking about and writing about it though as it really does help.

[coleslaw]

Oh Ally, I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. It doesn't get much worse than losing your child. You have every right to be seriously angry at whatever and whomever strikes your fancy. I know it's hard to admit being angry at your baby, but I've been there, especially during those first couple of awful weeks. You are going to find yourself thinking many irrational thoughts. Say them outloud even if only to yourself or write them down and burn them or talk about them here. It gives them less power. Unfortunately, you need to go through all the awful anger to get to the other side. We are here to hold the puching bags and clean up the broken dishes, so to speak. Scream away!

[starbaby69]

Oh Ally,

I hear you. This isn't fair at all, and you have every right to be angry. Be angry and get it out in any safe way (punching a pillow really does work.) It's very important that you don't bottle it up.

You are in my thoughts :hug

[Britishmum]

I'm so sorry :hug

[MamaFern]

:hug im so sorry you are going through this.. but its okay to be angry and sad and frustrated and all of those emotions that you are feeling.. you are grieving. i wish there was more we could do.

mamafern

[jdsmom]

Ally, I hope you don't mind that I am writing to you over here. I don't know why, because we are relatively new board mates (so I hope you're not creeped out) but I was very upset and bothered (for a lack of a better word) by your whole experience and felt compelled to write to you. I was looking forward to hearing all about Little Ry and it was just stunning that this should have happened.

I have not experienced the kind of loss that you are experiencing, but I did have an early miscarriage at 8 weeks. I had been waiting what seemed a lifetime to start ttc, and in just 4 short weeks, I allowed myself to be filled with excitement and hope and dreamy anticipation for what should have been.

When I found that my baby's heart was not beating at the first ultrasound, I was in shock. I was furious with my body for not doing what it was supposed to do. There were no signs that anything was wrong. I was confused as I had never heard of this happening to anyone. I knew people who'd had m/c's, but they never talked about them. When I found out that I was a statistic, everyone came out of the woodwork to share their stories with me.

I went through a myriad of emotions. My questions were, why me?, why did this happen?, was it my fault?, can I have more children? I thought I would be fine... this is a very common thing to happen to women, no problem, brush it under the rug and just try again. I couldn't look at little babies without thinking of my angel. I was jealous of anyone who was happily pg. I was angered to the point of hatred for a resident who had her baby around my due date because she had no idea that she was pg for 3 months and continued to get get drunk often during that time, because it was the holiday season. She and my boss laughed at me when I told them that I wouldn't take cold medicine because I was ttc and there was a slim chance that I could be pg. When she told me her story, I never recovered from my anger towards her.

I was angry at ladies who were oblivious to my pain. My friends didn't understand because they had never experienced (or shared their experiences) m/c or loss and they would change the subject or screw up their faces horribly when I brought up my m/c. I didn't want their pity, just understanding. And to top it off, my friend, who would later be my doula, told me that she was pg and due a month after I would have been due. She didn't want me to find out from anyone else, so she told me right after my d&c. I had a really hard time being around her much during her pg. Another friend from out of town called and left a message on our answering machine with their good news to let us know that they now had a new baby daughter. They had no idea about the m/c. It just seemed like the knife kept twisting and twisting.

People would say the most horrible things to me thinking that they were comforting me. Luckily, I had a forum where I could go to vent and lament. Oh how I hate the phrases, "All things happen for a reason" and, "Oh, you were just barely pg then". I felt totally negated by last one, like it wasn't really a baby.

All I wanted to do was to ttc again so I could be pg and well on my way to forgetting the whole thing, but my DH was so shaken that he could not help me in my endeavor. He was frozen in the terror of having something bad happen to me. I have an immune system disorder and we were worried that it may have caused complications for me. It took a year for him to recover.

I still think of my angel baby and I tell people about my miscarriage because I don't want people to think of it as a taboo subject. I am way more sensitive to the losses of other mothers. When Jillie was born and we landed in the hospital for jaundice, for a few days, I was shaken mostly because her ped tossed around the word brain damage way too liberally and also because my world wasn't as perfect as it was supposed to be. When we arrived back home after 3 days, I sat in her room with her and cried over her. My mom had lost 2 children, at the same time, before she had me and I could never have imagined her pain but I suddenly understood so much more.

So my advice to you, grieve. Grieve with your whole heart and take as long as you need to do it. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. Do something indulgent for yourself even if it seems selfish, it will do wonders for your wellbeing. Take your time and don't make any rash decisions about anything. I know that you don't want to think about more children in the future, but truly and honestly, time does heal our wounds. Never be afraid that you are replacing Ryland, that can never happen. Our love expands with each child and you will always have your memories of him. I am keeping you in my prayers. And again, I hope you don't mind my posting to you here. :hug

Nicole B. from AB

[fire_lady]

Just want to give you a hug :hug.
Sorry that your going through this.

[AllyRae]

Oh Nicole, of course I don't mind you posting here...in fact, I am so glad you shared your story...I never knew all of that. It really helped me to see that all of these things I'm thinking and feeling are pretty normal. So thank you so much... :hug

And I'm so mad that someone said "you were barely pregnant" to you...how very hurtful. Pregnant is pregnant, and a baby is a baby--and that was *your* baby. :hug

Thank you again for writing all of that...it was very helpful...thank you. :hug

[AllyRae]

I finally have something to direct my anger towards...stupid hospital burocratic crap. I feel like a broken record here saying the same thing over and over again, but I think I've finally gotten to the point where I'm just fed up with trying... DH has been on the phone all day (while at work) with the head of obstetrics at the hospital, the department of vital statistics, the OB, and the funeral director (in Ohio, the funeral director is responsible for doing the death certificates). The office of vital statistics says that if Ryland was alive for even a second, he should receive a birth certificate and be classified as a live birth. The OB says that she doesn't know for sure either way, but the test results were inconsistent with a stillborn. The funeral director hasn't called back yet. But the worst of all is the head of OB. He says they can't change his classification because their strict criteria is the *one minute* apgars (mind you, this would make the office of vital statistics criteria worthless...). So, he could be alive for a full minute and still be classified as a stillbirth, which makes no sense.

So, according to the hospital, I didn't give birth...Ryland wasn't born. He is officially a "fetal death". The same classification as he would have been had he died at 20 weeks gestation. They don't even acknowledge that he existed as a child. Just a fetus. Even though everything says he died within the first 60 seconds after birth. He doesn't even get a real death certificate either...he gets a certificate of "fetal demise". Basically, it means by law, he had to be buried or cremated because of his size instead of being treated like a miscarriage. The stupid state of Ohio doesn't even recognize that he was a real person...nothing more than "just a fetus". And apparently he was "removed" from me...I, after 41 weeks of pregnancy and 29 hours of labor, didn't even officially give birth according to the state/hospital's criteria. Nice.

I just want to crawl in a hole right now. I can't even believe this is happening... This wonderful state doesn't even acknowledge that my child existed. Next door in Indiana, he would have been. In Ohio, he was apparently *just a fetus*. I don't know whether to sit here crying my eyes out, or throw something against the wall shattering it to pieces. I'm angry beyond belief, and so sad. I don't even know what to think right now, other than I hate stupid burocratic red tape. And I hate useless worthless criteria that states you have to be alive for 60 seconds to even be considered alive in the first place. I just hate that he's being treated like he never existed...and even more I hate that he's not here and I have to sit here and be told he was never alive to begin with....

:sigh: I guess it's case closed on that one... Stupid.

[dynamohumm6]

Ally, I don't really belong in this forum, but I just read this, and I have to tell you--you might consider copying that exact post, and sending it to every state official you can think of. Senators, etc. that's just...incomprehensible.

I am so, so incredibly sorry. My best friend lost her daughter almost 4 years ago, at birth. I will never, ever forget what she went through with her beautiful Sophie.
Wishing you peace, and strength.

[Debstmomy]

Ally, check out www.stillnomore.org I think this is the organization try to rally that our babies get birth certificates. If it is the wrong link let me know, I have it in my favorites some where.

Hugs & Love

[happiestmomma]

:Hug :Hug :Hug I couldn't read without posting a hug for you and your family, Ally. I wish for you all the strength in the world as you go through this painful process.

[RosePetal]

I read your post about your loss and I felt compelled to write you well wishes. I really hope that time heals your wounds and I am so sorry for your loss. I am on loss #3 and I can totally relate to your grief.
I can't believe what you went through and I really hope that you are ok soon.
Love, hugs, and well wishes to you and yours. :Hug

Andrea
:ribpb:

[bobica]

Ally, I'm so sorry for all you're going through. I'm glad you have a safe place to vent & let it out. :hug

[corrio]

Oh Ally once again my heart pours open for you..I know exactly what you are going through..

It hurts so much words can't describe it..

If you ever what to chat my msn messenger is l_kerr@shaw.ca or yahoo messenger is corrio2@yahoo.ca.. We could have a good cry together..

I am so sorry about the birth cert.. I had issues with getting one for my baby and when the midwife said that he was stillborn and he doesn't get one my heart just broke.. I actually wanted to hit her.. I was lucky though, my baby was rescutated but we decided to take him off the life support.. So actually he is considered a Live birth..

I wish life didn't have to be so hard..
Hugs
Lisa