I am really sad

[Debstmomy]

:bawl I am just so sad tonight. I wanted to share with those that understand. It just sucks so bad. :(

[darkstar]

Oh mama. I was thinking about you today. I was walking up from the laundry and I spotted the hammock in the back yard. I was lying in there and started thinking about you. We were there for each other and just wanted you to know that I am still right here for you. :hug . You are such a strong mama. much love to you

:rainbow
darkstar

[pjabslenz]

:hug No one should have to feel the pain of losing a child. Thinking of you.

Janetann

[egoldber]

:bawl I am just so sad tonight. I wanted to share with those that understand. It just sucks so bad. :(

:hug I'm so sorry mama.

[AllyRae]

:hug I'm thinking of you today....

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

I'm sorry you're sad, mama. :( :hugs I wish none of us had to experience this pain and grief. :(

[Debstmomy]

Thank you Mamas so much.

After I posted that last night, I broke down & had a huge sobbing fit. I was going over her pictures. I am trying TRYING to remember what she felt like, smelt like, things like that. My Dh held me. My sobbing woke my DD Amber & she came in held me too. Such a strong young lady. Then 2 hours later she woke up frightened from a nightmare. She dreamt I died & I was in my coffin in the living room & the flowers were floating. Poor baby. We co-slept after that.

Anyway, I am better. Still teary but not weepy. Now to get dressed & go do some errands. Life never stops.....even for grief.

[Ms.Doula]

:hugs mama!!

what a wonderful loving family you have!

The pics are so precious! The one of big brother laying/huging her... OMG! :bawl

And Alexa is truely, totally gorgeous!! :love

[starparticle]

Hi there :o

I *sort* of remember what it was like for me at this time last year...Luna passed away 6.30 (Alexa Rose was 6.10 - right?) and the whole fall was a blur. I had days where I coulnd't leave the house, or I would spend hours staring at her little yellow hat with the one precious hair still stuck on the inside...

I know everyone processes differently, but I wanted to tell you that the fall was my lowest point and I slowly surely rose out of it. Things don't really get "better" - just different.

Please remember that grief is a process your moving through, and it sounds like you are moving through in a concious and straight forward way...

:heartbeat

I hope your feeling okay today!

Rachel

[Lucky Charm]

I had no idea this happened. I am so, so sorry.

Your baby girl is so gorgeous, perfect. The pictures broke my heart....especially the ones with your older kids...your son, oh mama, what a heartbreaking picture. Your older daughter and Alexa made me breathless....

What a beautiful family. I am so sorry you all had to go through this, and continue to have to go on this journey.

I cannot believe all that has been happening here to our mama's...there isnt enough room in my sig :(

:candle Alexa :heartbeat Cristina :hug

All of us are here for you for as long as you need us.

[AllyRae]

:hug I'm so sorry... We're all here for you. :hug

[KYCat]

:hug
I'm so sorry. :( It just sucks, really really sucks.
There are times that i really think that I'm fine, and then a wave will wipe me out with anger or sadness. Please feel the loving support from everyone here.
:hug

[coleslaw]

:hug Christina

I hope you are feeling a little better today. You have such a wonderful, compassionate family. I'm always thinking of you.

[Debstmomy]

Thanks Mama's. I am alright. Not great, not horrible.
Ya know I wonder if I will ever get that spark back in my eye or that pep in my step. I know I am forever changed but I wonder if I will ever be that happy again. I look at pictures of me pre Alexa & I looked truly happy, now all I see is sad. Anyone else feel like this?

[egoldber]

I look at pictures of me pre Alexa & I looked truly happy, now all I see is sad. Anyone else feel like this?

Yes. I sometimes think about how happy I was in the days before Leah was born and it almost hurts me physically. There are times when I *am* happy, but it seems like every happy moment I have now is tinged with sorrow. Even watching my DD4, I get sad thinking I will never see Leah in these same moments.

[butterfly_mom]

hey christina....I know how you feel. I try to keep myself busy but to me it almost seems as though i'm trying to push it aside. Only because it hurts so much. I haven't really looked at Bailee's pictures yet. My husband and I looked at them a couple weeks ago. I carry one with me and when I work the the courage to look at it, I cry. I miss my Bailee so much. I try to remember what it felt like holding her and kissing her and holding her hands. It sucks to know that I have to wait what feels like an eternity to see her again. I know I have to live my life for my son Ethan, my wonderful husband, and future children. But there will always be something missing in our lives and that is our children. But you know you and I have a goal in life. I'm not sure where you stand in religion but our goal is to live a good wonderful life so that we can see our children again where there aren't tears of sadness but tears of joy...

-liz-

[gossamer]

Thanks Mama's. I am alright. Not great, not horrible.
Ya know I wonder if I will ever get that spark back in my eye or that pep in my step. I know I am forever changed but I wonder if I will ever be that happy again. I look at pictures of me pre Alexa & I looked truly happy, now all I see is sad. Anyone else feel like this?


Cristina, you know how sorry I am for your loss. I am now 26 months out from my loss. In the beginning, I felt guilty for being happy or smiling or even being ok. How could I possibly be ok when my daughter had died. How could I smile or laugh or have any joy in my life when my daughter was buried. As time went on I was able to find small joys or I would find myself laughing without feeling guilty. You will be happy, you will get a spark back in your eye, but it will be different. Don't expect to feel better in days or weeks or months. You will feel better when your soul is healed and it is different for everyone. Conventional wisdom says that it takes between 2-5 years to completely incorporate a loss into your life. Not that you will feel this bad for 2-5 years, but it will take a while for your life to feel "normal". Allow yourself time to grieve your precious, beautiful baby girl.
Gossamer

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

You will feel better when your soul is healed

I totally agree. Thanks Gossamer!

Cristina,
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!! I don't know how many time I have had said to me and that I have said to others....I so wish I could reach through this screen and hold you...let you weep your tears of such deep sorrow.
Please know that I am thinking of you lots....
Love and Peace mama!!!

[Ms.Doula]

WOW gossamer-Truer words have never been spoken. :innocent Your pain has brought you great wisdom. :hug
I totally agree.