Leaving a cosleeping, nursing 14mo for 4 days?

[oceanbaby]

Ds2 can go without nursing during the day, but nurses to sleep and a couple of times during the night. Once I am in bed with him, he stays asleep (for the most part), but wakes hourly until I am there. He cries if dh goes in and tries to walk him.

My mom and sister are going to NYC in a few weeks to visit my great aunt, and they want me to go with them. I don't see how it could possibly work - I haven't even been gone past bedtime since ds2 was born. But I would love to see my aunt - she is going blind and her health is failing, so there is a good chance that this would be my last opportunity.

I do not want to bring ds2 with me at this age. It would be a nightmare trip, with him into everything, walking everywhere, needing to be carried, and dh not being with me.

Has anyone ever left their cosleeping, nursing young toddler for 4 days? What happened? How did you prepare?

[mommystinch]

If your mom and sister will be with you, can they help keep an eye on ds? That way, you would be able to make the trip and keep things semi-normal for him.

[phathui5]

Hmm, it sounds like it would be really rough on him. I've taken my toddlers on long trips before and it's worked out well. Would your mom and sister be willing to help you manage him?

[octobermom]

Personally breastfeeding or not I'd never leave a child that young. I refuse to even leave a child under 18 months with anyone other than DH ans I even limit that to maybe a couple of hours ans not often. Developmently kids up to this age (estimate) still consider them selves part of there mother.
Id bring your son along, borrow or get a stroller sling to help.. Well worth it you might find DS enjoys the visit just as much.
Deanna

[Kirsten]

Could you fly out with them, but only stay one night? See your great aunt the day you get there and the day you leave - as much as possible.

I always felt comfortable leaving my kids at home with dh, after a year old especially, if I needed/wanted to go to a wedding or reunion or something that for whatever reason it didn't work to take the kids to. Yes, I think I know best and that my way works better - but dh figured out his own way with the kids.

I think it depends on what you are leaving for. A sibling's wedding, to see a beloved and elderly relative, etc. - worth the change in routine IMO. To go to an annual football game or shopping trip - skip it til next year. I would have to think about how I would feel if I didn't go see my great aunt, and she died before I had another chance.

Just this summer, my siblings and I took a four day road trip to see my gramma (90 years old). Dd1, dd2 and dd3 (then 8, 4, and barely 2) stayed home with dh. The older two have been to see her more than once each - and I didn't want to suffer through all those hours with little ones in the car. The kids did fine at home with daddy (I called to talk to them while gone) and my sibs and I had a wonderful trip - which thrilled my gramma to no end. We've decided to go every year, maybe next year we'll take the kids.

I'd vote to go, and let dh and ds2 work it out - they will. If you aren't comfortable being gone for four days then just fly back early yourself. Let us know what you decide.

[The Lucky One]

Wow! My ds2 is 2 months older than yours and I could not imagine leaving him for 4 days. Granted, he nurses a lot more than your ds, but still. Besides, if your ds nurses to sleep at night, how will your dh be able to get him to sleep without a bunch of crying?

I know 14 months is can be a hard age in terms of them being able to follow direction and wanting to wander, but if he would be the only child going with you and you have your sister and mother to help chase after him/entertain him, wouldn't that be OK?

If I were you I'd definately want to go to NYC, but I'd just take ds along!

[MPJJJ]

4 days? No way in hell, not even now. That's just too long for an attached child to be without his Mommy. Why can't you try to work it out so you can take him too? He'd probably suprise you with how well he does.

[Yooper]

I totally understand not wanting to take him.....

I left dd for 33 hours when she was 20 months old. I thought I was going to DIE from breast explosion and she only nursed three times a day at that point. However, she was perfectly fine. When I am around, she will not let dh do much with her, but they seem to know when you are gone and figure out how to deal with daddy just fine. In fact, dd had a blast. But even now at 25 months, I think two days would be my limit.

[Jade2561]

Personally breastfeeding or not I'd never leave a child that young. I refuse to even leave a child under 18 months with anyone other than DH ans I even limit that to maybe a couple of hours ans not often. Developmently kids up to this age (estimate) still consider them selves part of there mother.
Id bring your son along, borrow or get a stroller sling to help.. Well worth it you might find DS enjoys the visit just as much.
Deanna

I totally agree. I think it will be traumatic and confusing for your dc to be away from him this long. Since you will have family with you, you will have a little bit of extra help. Good Luck!

[beth568]

I wouldn't have been comfortable leaving my DD that long at that age. Are you ready for him to wean? Weaning - or at least a significant decrease in nursing - might well be one of the effects of that long a separation (though I've known people who deliberately made trips like this to speed up a weaning process and it didn't work, so who knows).

If it's important to you to see this relative, I'd either consider bringing DS or shorten the trip, if possible.

Actually, I bet he'd do a lot better than you think. I left my DD overnight with DH for the first time when she was about 22 months. He had never successfully put her to bed (she still nursed to sleep) and she was still waking at night to nurse. Apparently bedtime was a breeze, and she woke once for about 5 minutes in the middle of the night, when DH just hugged her and told her Mommy would be back the next night. And otherwise she did beautifully. But I was only gone for one night (and boy, were my breasts sore, even though I hand expressed to relieve some of the engorgement).

How do you think *you* will feel while you're away? Will you be a nervous wreck worrying about DS? Will you feel guilty? If it's going to drive you crazy, that's as much of a consideration as anything else, IMO.

It certainly sounds like a trip that's worth making, especially if you are close to this aunt. You could always come back early if things got really bad, but DS would be with a loving parent. Everyone could manage just fine, I'd bet.

Let us know what you decide!

[oceanbaby]

Yeah, you guys are right, I know there is no way I could do it. I didn't even leave ds1 at 20/22 months (he was 3yo before I was gone overnight), but even that is a long ways away from 14 months. I just really really want to go so badly! I think this is the first thing since ds1 was born 4 years ago that it just hurts to not participate in.

My mom and sister are not really up for me taking ds2 along. I could almost get into doing that (and even explored the idea in detail today), but my mom was clear that she is going to visit with her Aunt, go to a Broadway show, and do "her" things, a.k.a., not help me with the baby. And my sister is never really all that helpful (she doesn't have kids and just doesn't get it). I would have no one to help pack him around while we were out and about, and I would just be sitting at the hotel with him at night while my mom and sister went and did things, so there really wouldn't be much point to my going. It would even be hard for me to visit with my great aunt, as she lives in a tiny studio apartment that would just be a nightmare for a wandering, adventurous little troublemaker like ds2!

Oh well.

[Kirsten]

4 days? No way in hell, not even now. That's just too long for an attached child to be without his Mommy.
Well, I agree that four days is too long to be without mommy at 14 months old. But I disagree because in the two days/just one overnight situation that some of us are suggesting, he would be at home with his Daddy - whom I assume he is also attached to, no?
OP, could you fly out with your mom and sister, stay one night, and fly home earlier than they are? Just be away from ds one overnight?

[oceanbaby]

OP, could you fly out with your mom and sister, stay one night, and fly home earlier than they are? Just be away from ds one overnight?
It's a cross country flight, so it doesn't really work to only go for one night. Plus, it's not the one night vs. four nights that concerns me the most. It's being gone at all at night that I would be most worried about.

[cmb123]

Although I do think this would be a risk to your breastfeeding relationship (you will absolutely HAVE to pump regularly while you are gone), I don't think the trip would be as awful for your ds as everyone is exclaiming.
If he is going to be home with Daddy, it simply means he'll figure out another way to sleep at night (I am assuming still co-sleeping). Babies are so adaptable (even AP'd ones). If he is going to be in his own home with his own Daddy, I think he'll do just fine. Sure he fusses for you when you are there, but if you are not an option, then he'll figure out something else.
I think us AP mom's sometimes think our kids can't function without us because they act that way when we are always there. When you remove yourself for a while, you'll find that they do just fine (often better than fine, a blow to our ego!).
If this is really important to you, and you feel this may be the last opportunity to see this woman, I might take the leap.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

I don't think I could leave mine that young. I really wouldn't want to risk the nursing relationship and I wouldn't want to be away from a little one that age so long. I read a little further and it looks as if you really can't go given the situation.
And--based on your short response regarding your mom and your sister--I think taking him wouldn't be wise either. They may be wonderful people, but you may end up a bit resentful (or they may end up resentful) if you took him.
What I would do is this--send a videocamera along with your mom/family and ask them to videotape the highlights of the trip.
If you don't own one, rent one and have them document it.
It wouldn't be exactly the same, but it's better than just photos and much better than nothing at all.
Besides, then you will have the memories of your aunt forever, even after she is gone.
In return, you can videotape your kids and mail the tape to your aunt.
I do this every year--videotape the kids in short segments throughout the year and then mail copies of the tape to relatives. They love this. And it's fun seeing how much the kids have changed throughout the year.
Of course, you don't have to tape all year--just tape in an afternoon, and mail to your aunt soon after the trip, to feel included.

[ZachsMommy]

I would go and bring DS. Just plan to go for lots of walks and go to the park a ton. Your DAunt might love to see him too! While your mom and sis are doing adult things you could do kid things. Is there a Zoo that he'd love to go to or a library book-reading? Find out in advance and keep busy! Take him to the mall when he needs to run around. Or go check out the local pet store

I know taking a 2 year old is daunting but you could do it! You handle him fine all day by yourself plus an older child! And who cares if your mom and sister aren't a help. I drag my DS everywhere and I'd just take care of him myself. Any extra help would be a bonus. I think it would be worth it to see an aunt - especially if you are close and there may be a chance you might not see her again. :(

It would be a nightmare trip, with him into everything, walking everywhere, needing to be carried, and dh not being with me.

I don't think it would be THAT bad. I have a busy little guy too and while yes, it will be tiring! I think it would be worth it! I would reconsider if I were you.

I would have no one to help pack him around while we were out and about, and I would just be sitting at the hotel with him at night while my mom and sister went and did things,

I'm sure that there are a ton of things to do in the evening in New York with a toddler - check out the internet and call around. I think he would surprise you and you both would have a great time! Even playing in the hotel in the evening would be fun for him. Take him swimming in the pool or give him a jacuzzi bath or just walk the hallways!!

[Kirsten]

Although I do think this would be a risk to your breastfeeding relationship (you will absolutely HAVE to pump regularly while you are gone), I don't think the trip would be as awful for your ds as everyone is exclaiming.
If he is going to be home with Daddy, it simply means he'll figure out another way to sleep at night (I am assuming still co-sleeping). Babies are so adaptable (even AP'd ones). If he is going to be in his own home with his own Daddy, I think he'll do just fine. Sure he fusses for you when you are there, but if you are not an option, then he'll figure out something else.
I think us AP mom's sometimes think our kids can't function without us because they act that way when we are always there. When you remove yourself for a while, you'll find that they do just fine (often better than fine, a blow to our ego!).
If this is really important to you, and you feel this may be the last opportunity to see this woman, I might take the leap.
I completely agree with this - but I don't think the OP is feeling ok about it. That is what it really comes down to. She has to feel it is ok for her and her child. Some on this thread think as she does, and some as we do (think we are in the minority though!) but it really wouldn't matter if we all thought it would be ok if she just doesn't feel that.

[fuller2]

New York is amazing entertainment for a kid that age--if he will stay in a backpack all you have to do is walk around for him to get more stimulation in a few hours than he would all week at home :). Have you traveled with him before? This might be the hardest part if you haven't done it. It can be very difficult, yes--I took my son to NYC alone at about this age, and it was utterly exhausting--but it can also be a lot easier than you think. (He's traveled with me to many places and has had some wonderful experiences.)

The plane trip will be by far the most difficult part. You have a time zone change along with having to keep him entertained for a VERY long time in cloistered circumstances (keep in mind your flight can be delayed, canceled etc). You will be nursing with someone's elbow in your side, etc.

I don't know. I think it sounds like the OP really wants to go, and go without what could be an extremely draining experience managing the baby. (Or maybe not...) I would say this--you will remember this trip forever, and be very happy you went. If your son stays at home, he will probably be just fine--I doubt he will wean if he really isn't ready to stop. Even if he is not fine (and seriously, I bet he will be), he will not be scarred for life because of it. He will forget it, but you will remember that you saw a very important person to you one last time. When he's bigger and you are telling him about your family you can tell him about this trip, and that he stayed with his daddy for 4 whole days while you did something very important to you and to your family. This will mean a lot to him.

On the other hand, you will regret it forever if she dies soon, and you will have lost the chance for your husband to spend some serious time with your son, as well as the chance to tell them all about your trip when you get back. (There are many kids' books about NYC, and you can show them the pictures and tell them the story.) You will be refreshed from the break and so happy to see them when you get back, instead of sad because you didn't go.

My son is 2.5 now, and he has now gone on 2 3-day trips away from me with his dad. (We're no longer together.) The first time at age 2 yrs 3 months I was very worried about weaning but he came home delightfully happy, ready to nurse and very tight with his daddy, same story the 2nd time. I am making my 1st trip away from him in November, for 3 days. This is older than your son, obviously, and 14 months does seem on the young side to do this--but remember that kids are very resilient and they can put up with a lot more than you think. I would ask yourself what you would lose by NOT going, not what you would lose if you did.

[Treasuremapper]

This is my opinion.

Your ds needs you at this age. I would not go.

I would just say no and be willing to take the heat, which can be considerable in some families.

[Cloverlove]

ITA with fuller2.

You know your child best and if you thought he would not be OK, you wouldn't even consider going.

This trip sounds like a one-time chance. I had a similar opportunity to go to Italy when dd was 2 1/2. She was still nursing, but it was an offer I felt I really couldn’t refuse—I had a place to stay, with one of my oldest and dearest friends, tickets were ridiculously low and dh was very supportive. I asked MDC what to do and most people told me they would never consider leaving their 2 1/2 dc to go to Italy for a week. It was a very difficult decision, but I am so, so, so glad I went! She really did great. Dh was able to take time off of work and he is also very attached.

Besides, with everything you have been going through, it sounds like you could use a break. What does your dh say?

[kaybee]

It sounds to me like you really want to go and you want some reassurance that this could be ok. If taking your son isn’t an option (and it’s true, it would be a completely different trip with him than without him – it could be great, but it’ll be different), then you would have to go 4 days (and 3 nights?) without nursing. That is a long time, but it could be just fine, really. Lots of very attached, nursing moms have to leave their kids for a couple days here and there for work, and they still go on to have great nursing relationships.

I had to leave my son for the first time when he was 16 or 17 months old for a business trip. He was nursing to sleep every night, so I was very concerned. He also nursed every morning, but not much during the day. I was gone for 3 days and 2 nights. Frankly, he was fine. He had a great time with his daddy (and daddy really got to appreciate how much work it is when he leaves for work for weeks!). Our nursing relationship was just as good after I got back as it was when I left.

If you really want to go, you can make it happen. You’ll probably need to pump just to keep from getting engorged. Your kids can have some extra special time with dh who can take care of them in his own special way.

In the end, it’s up to you, and you should definitely go with what feels comfortable to you, but I don't think it's mission impossible.

Good luck with a tough choice!

Karen

[oceanbaby]

Thanks for the continued thoughts on this. A pp poster was right, that I'm not feeling very good about it. And I don't see myself making this trip. I'm sad about it, but I just don't think I could enjoy myself. I think the first time I'm away from ds2 I need to be a little closer by just in case.

However, I am thinking about nightweaning. I have been thinking about this for awhile, and struggling with guilt over it as I didn't nightwean ds1 until he was 2yo. But he was a much different child.

I really hate that this is the kind of thing I think about when thinking about having a third. Here I am, counting down the months until I get a little bit of my freedom back, and then I wonder if we should start all over again.

[Black Orchid]

I think it varies for every child and only you can know whether you can go or not... I come from a slightly different perspective, as I left my DD at that same age for 3 nights for the first time. I work and it was a business trip that I could not get out of.

She is at home with my DH (who is a SAHD) and they have a very good attachment and while at the time she was still nursing all night and I expected it to be a nightmare for the two of them... it ended up being just fine. She cuddled with my DH at night in our bed and when she woke up to nurse, her was able to quickly soothe her with back rubs and singing and water from a sippy cup to help her thirst. Maybe it was a lucky break, but I don't think it was... she was and still is a very attached but high-needs child and nurses 3-5 times a day.

My supply was not affected at all. I pumped twice a day (I didn't get anything if I pumped more than that) and even though I desperately missed her and was sooooo glad to be home, it was a good feeling to know that my DH could meet her needs as well as I could. I was still nursing her on demand at that point, as I work from home and she visits my office whenever she needs me.

Anyway, just sharing my perspective, which is definately different than others on this thread. Not saying what is right or wrong for you (or anyone else)... just thought you might like to hear what happened for us.