My co-sleeping arrangement is not working for DH.

[Destinye]

I posted a few months ago and have been working with DD a little but to not much avail. I am fine with co-sleeping with her on her mattress in her room but the problem is DH thinks its time to be done (and was muttering about weaning lately and I said I would not think about that until at least 2 and would see where we are at - though will probably let her do it herself). She will sleep about 8 or 9 to 11PM then wakes up to nurse then wakes up 2 or 3 more times and is up at 7 or so. The trouble is after 11 or so she wants me there so we have a 3 hour window (which is pretty good) but DH will NOT go to bed until 11 when she wakes up again, so now I am staying up until 11 to keep him happy and he is not there. Something wrong with this picture?!! We had huge arguments about even co-sleeping at all though he does not believe in CIO or anything, his older kids had not many issues sleeping (though I see a little rose-colored glaze sometimes over his eyes) but they were not very attached, and DD is very high needs and not ready to wean or apparently sleep alone.

Have tried No Cry Sleep Solution but the best it has got us is the 3 hour window (which is great I think) but in any case staying up until 11 is hard for me without a wakeful toddler as I need a lot of sleep and DH does not get gets up at 5 anyhow. I feel I have 2 toddlers here but don't want to wreck my marriage either as he has been patient overall, just different beliefs and she needs to nurse when she wakes so night time parenting is not going to work unless I am there (or want her to cry for hours which I don't). I just dont know what to do, if I could cut out the 11 PM feeding maybe I could go to sleep at 9 in our bed (and keep DH happy) then sleep with her at 1 or 2 to morning and stretch that time out but nothing works. When she does go to sleep DH suddenly decides to clean the kitchen or something and wakes her up! I think DD has inherited his need for little sleep as she seems fine and just not to need more sleep, she takes a 1 to 2 hour nap in the day and I know thats not a lot total but NOTHING I do makes her sleep more including NCSS. I dont like Jay Gordans article on night weaning and dont think thats fair to her just to keep DH happy.

Help! Any ideas for DH or DD sleeping issues? I am exhausted (and last week he said he could not imagine why - seriously the man needs 4 to 5 hours sleep a night he is NOT NORMAL!!!! Arrrrrrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhh!)

[mommaJ]

No real advice, just want to send you hugs. :hug

Its so tricky to find solutions to make everyone happy. Espescially when mama is tired!! I feel like I've been tired for 2 years straight. I figure its just part of my personality now. :LOL I sleep with DD on a mattress and DH sleeps on a bed in another room. Its not how we imagined we would do it, but its how it has worked out. And frankly, it works fine for us. He likes to stay up very late and watch TV which he can do in "his" room. I don't know if its a bad thing that we're both okay not sleeping with one another, but even before DD he'd fall asleep on the couch a lot. We still have "our" time and it works well for us.

DD just turned two and within the last month she JUST started sleeping pretty well. I can honestly say I really love co-sleeping right now.

Hopefully someone has more specific advice. Just wanted to let you know I feel your struggle and hope you and DH can find a common ground!

[Destinye]

Thanks for the support, and wish he was ok with it as the co-sleeping is not a problem for me (it feels right) but apparently is to him. I am going to try and talk to him (again) and see what would make him happy and come to some kind of compromise, of course we would all love our toddlers to sleep through the night! But he has to be realistic as she just does not! I wish I lived in a different society where this was considered normal, because it actually is I think!

[Dylan's Mom]

Sounds pretty complicated. We too are having some issues w/ sleeping. I go to bed at 9-9:30 usually. Ds (7 mo. old) goes down around 7:30, wakes up once or twice before I go down, too. Then a few more times in bed w/ me and we get up at 6:00 + or - an hour. Dh doesn't come to bed until after 1:00, often tosses and turns, rattles his magazine, listens to music and doesn't get to sleep till late, late, late. Sometimes ds and I sleep right through, sometimes it means an hour of wakefullness for me or all, extra. :nut Ugh!!! My solution is to take a nap or two during the day--I don't know how I'd function if I had to work full time now. My advice for you is to keep talking w/ your dh, like you're planning anyhow. Find out why he is ready to be done. There might be some other solutions. You may have to re-educate, repeat, repeat, repeat. I feel like a parrot sometimes. :LOL Also, just go to bed when you want to. It's torture not to!!! Idea: If you need more time w/ dh, set aside a "special" evening or two a week. That way he won't decide to just use up the time w/ other stuff.

[mother nurture]

I am fine with co-sleeping with her on her mattress in her room but the problem is DH thinks its time to be done ....

We had huge arguments about even co-sleeping at all though he does not believe in CIO or anything, his older kids had not many issues sleeping (though I see a little rose-colored glaze sometimes over his eyes) but they were not very attached, and DD is very high needs and not ready to wean or apparently sleep alone.

Have tried No Cry Sleep Solution but the best it has got us is the 3 hour window (which is great I think) but in any case staying up until 11 is hard for me without a wakeful toddler as I need a lot of sleep and DH does not get gets up at 5 anyhow. I feel I have 2 toddlers here but don't want to wreck my marriage either as he has been patient overall, just different beliefs....

Help! Any ideas for DH or DD sleeping issues? I am exhausted (and last week he said he could not imagine why - seriously the man needs 4 to 5 hours sleep a night he is NOT NORMAL!!!! Arrrrrrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhh!)


It sounds like we have a very similar situation! Minus the older kids thing :D Dh want night weaning, no more co-sleeping, he wants dd to fall asleep w/out the breast (the not nursing to sleep thing could be nice on occasion, though :wink ). I know w/ my dh his big issue is that he wants husband and wife time. We are still working through this. I don't want to put dd in her crib, but I also don't want to wreck my marriage. Dh is really easy going in general, this is just one of the disagreements that he has chosen to pick as a battle :irked:
Right now we are toying w/ the idea of a mattress on the floor in our room next to the bed. Don;t know if I can convince him of that, though.

I really just wanted you to know that I hope all of this works out for you. You are not alone. I know it can be REALLY frusturating when you and your dh see things very differently. We are always working through parenting issues at our house. It can be exhausting.

Sweet dreams to you and yours

[Thorey]

I moved my 8 month old down the hallway into her crib on MOnday night- at DH's insistence- he's usually a non-confrontational all around nice guy- I was a wreck let me tell you thought I would get an ulcer- I cried all day yesterday on and off... I've been sleeping with her every night since she was born and my DH was in his cozy little room upstairs- I was happy and thought sleep is sleep whatever works it's temporary but he was like married people sleep together I miss you! He just couldn't sleep with my baby in the bed with us. He actually blamed me for her frequent night wakings- saying co-sleeping was the cause of them- I was so angry after much fighting I decided to try the crib thing for one week with the lowest expectations possible. I imigined a night of full out screaming from my daughter. IT didn't happen at all. No one sobbed but me. DUring the first night I was having dreams that she bashed her head on the crib rails and died in my arms. I hated it, thought I was close to a breakdown. I had to call a friend to help me yesterday b/c I was so tired. I got used to having her near me at night.

Fast forward to night four. Guess what? She slept thru the night last night- no crying. And I only awoke every three hours to check if she was ok and look in on her. Since night one she adapted really well to the change is happier taking longer naps and sleeping better. I fed her once at 11 pm and then again at 4:30 am. Since DH insisted on this change he had to go in to check on her during her 2 am wake up and suffer the consequences (I of course I would rescue her if need be) But she didn't cry- she stayed awake for an hour during the first night- but he was patient put a pacifier in her mouth and sung to her and she went back down- after two nights of this she was like why wakeup if there's no food for me- so we eliminated one night feeding- I'm great with that. My husband wanted to feel like a true partner like he could help at night and now he's happier and so am I. I'm so relieved. I miss my little girl a little and it was such a rough transition for me- but I just wanted to share my story with you all and tell you that there can be happy endings. I truly feel that I did what was best for my family. Good luck to all of you.

[fourlittlebirds]

Well, to me it seems like your dh is being really unreasonable. I guess I just don't have much patience for this sort of thing because for us it's just not an issue, so I'm sorry if the following sounds harsh, ignore me if you like. ;)

My husband goes to bed much later than us too. I don't often spend the night hours with him -- but you know, he's a big boy and just doesn't need me next to him throughout the entire night. My children are little boys and girls, and do. And I have to admit too that I just honestly would not have any sympathy for any whining about where I sleep, regardless of whether kids were in the picture.

If it's really just a partner-time issue -- well, there *are* ways you can connect other than sleeping next to each other, and maybe he just needs to get brave and be open to approaching it different from what he's used to. Kissing and hugging and talking throughout the day, for instance. Or is it the sex that is the issue? If so, why can't you just go "visit" him when the baby is sleeping? For instance, if you happen to wake up when he goes to bed, or in the morning if you wake up before the baby.

"When she does go to sleep DH suddenly decides to clean the kitchen or something and wakes her up!"

Man, he has got to get some awareness about this. That is so not cool.

[AnnR33]

I don't understand why he wants you to stay up until 11pm? Just for some alone time? Well it defeats the purpose if you're tired and not happy about it. This time period in your baby's life is short and a little "suffering" on your Dh's part won't kill him. I'm afraid he sounds selfish to me.
My Dh couldn't sleep well either with #3 in bed (more squirmy than others) so he's slept on the futon in the playrm for the last 10 mos. Ideal? no but it works for us and he likes me not rolling him over when he's snoring LOL. He's also commented that he'd like to sleep in our bed someday but he also understands that baby's needs come first.
I think you need to take a stand and go to bed when you want!
Ann

[Destinye]

Thanks for the replies and we are still working through it, DD and I had a cold the last 3 days and she was awake a lot so have been sleeping with her at 9 or so. I think part of the issue is 'alone time' for DH and me, but I am upset with him so don't want to make that time, he says he is ok with me sleeping in there, I just need to make him realize we have to work around her schedule more. Not sure we have got any further but he kind of understands more. I wish my DD was one of those who would just go to sleep on her own at night like the PP but she is not that way, and we just have to respect that. Argggh now I am more sleep deprived and have a cold too! I try to sneak out in the AM sometimes to do some work but she always wakes up when I do!