Need some reassurance

[Siana]

I'm feeling really worn out lately... actually I've been feeling this way since DS was born, but because DH was home for 9 months after his birth, I felt I had no right to complain. DH has been back to work for 2-1/2 months, and I feel everything is really starting to fall apart.

Today was an especially bad day. I got up this morning only to have DS want to constantly nurse. He is teething, and naturally wants to be close to me. I held him all day, nursing almost constantly and only got to lie down for 20 minutes in the morning (but because I knew I had to make lunch before DH went to work, I didn't really rest) I'm also still recovering from 2 all-day workshops I took three days ago, and am feeling very fatigued.

Anyway, when I got up from the nap I found DH at the computer with DD watching Raffi. Now I don't mind my kids watching certain tapes occassionally, but I had really hoped that I might have been able to use that tape for a rough day when I was alone with the kids, and I knew today was going to be that kind of day. Needless to say, I was dissapointed, because I knew I couldn't use TV as a temporary distraction if I needed it (DH says I am too paranoid about the TV quotas, but I feel I have to be).

I am also frustrated lately because DD has been demanding attention lately (she is becoming quite violent to DS lately etc.), and I had wished that DH would have had some play time with her, so I wouldn't feel so pressured to give her that time today.

DD has also skipped her lunch and supper the last two days. It is driving me up the wall. Eventually because I get desperate to get something in to her, I give her a peanut butter sandwich. Now I think she has figured out that it is okay not to eat her food, because I will eventually give her a substitute. Also because she has not been eating well, she has been asking to nurse more often. I don't want to have to deny her (I follow don't offer, don't deny) but it is hard when she asks to nurse whenever DS asks (and as I said before he is now nursing almost constantly). I have now resorted to telling her she can not eat from boobies unless she makes an effort to eat her table food. It is not working.

To add to all this I feel the relationship between DH and I falling apaart. May be I am making mountains out of molehills again (lately it seems I often do that). We only get to talk on DH's days off, but it always ends up being an argument. I admit that often it is me who misunderstands something he says, and then within 10 seconds flat, we are arguing. I am trying to change, but I have discovered that since DD's birth, my feelings toward DH has changed. DD's birth was very much not what we had hoped for -- artifical induction, 27 hours labour, stitiching, separation after birth, suctioning etc. etc.. (I can't believe I am still not over the traumas of her birth) I remember DH said at the time he was dissapointed, and while now I realize he had a right to be dissapointed, I wish we hadn't isolated ourselves from each other for months after that. Three years later, I find myself still assuming that whatever DH says is an attack and/or that he is still dissapointed in me. I have a real inferiority complex to him anway, so this isn't helping.

Anyway, I am really getting in to too many details now (and I need to post in the "Parents as Partners" forum), but I just need to know that others go through stuff like this too, and that eventually it is possible to come out the other side happy. I guess I know it is possible, but will it ever happen to us? I am losing confidence that I can parent my kids gently (Ive struggled with this in the past and thought I was on my way to success, but am losing confidence again). I also feel that my need to be creative is not being satisfied through my parenting, but there isn't any free time to do anything else but chores around the house. I feel agitated because of the rut I am in. A rut that I am not enjoying at all.

[MsChatsAlot]

I am sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. It is hard to have little ones who are demanding so much time and energy and then feel like you have nothing left. It is also difficult when you feel disconnected from your partner.

It sounds like you could really use a break or some help. Would it be possible to have someone watch the kids for a bit? Would it be possible to have a teen or something come in and play with your kids for a bit while you just have a break (even in the house but away from the kids). Or a friend to come over or you go out for some playdates? Maybe a new distraction will help. I know that often when I felt like things were spiraling out of control for me, I would take the kids outside to play or go for a walk. Even a trip to the store would sometimes be a break for us.

It also sounds like you could use a really nice dinner or something special for you and your husband. It sounds like the two of you need to connect in a positive way.

With two little ones, it is easier to get and feel overloaded. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and you just have to keep taking it day by day. If you can find a way for a little break, take it. We as mothers need to energize and re-charge. It's amazing how even after being away from the kids of an hour or two, everything looks so different when I return.

Hugs to you. It is difficult to feel overloaded as a mom. I hope you find a way to re-charge yourself so you can tackle parenting and your relationship from a more positive approach.

[Linda on the move]

but I just need to know that others go through stuff like this too, and that eventually it is possible to come out the other side happy.

:hug
I've been where you are right now. It was the hardest part of my life. We eventually got past it.

Have you been to the doctor to make sure that you are physically OK? Pregnancy can throw off your thyroid (sp?). A simple blood test can figure out if this is part of the problem. Do you have a mild case of PPD? Always being tired can be a sign of depression.

Be sure and drink water -- getting dehydrated can cause fatigue.

I am losing confidence that I can parent my kids gently (Ive struggled with this in the past and thought I was on my way to success, but am losing confidence again).

For awhile when my kids were young I wondered if it was possible to AP such closely spaced kids. All I can say is to keep working at it, but don't expect yourself to be perfect. None of us are perfect. All parents make mistakes and those of us who are AP and GD have such high standards for ourselves that we are bound to fall short sometimes. This path is so different from what most of us were raised with or what we see around us, that following it is a process of us growning internally (does that make sense?).

I also feel that my need to be creative is not being satisfied through my parenting, but there isn't any free time to do anything else but chores around the house. I feel agitated because of the rut I am in. A rut that I am not enjoying at all.

Leave your kids with your DH for awhile on his next day off. Either have them all leave the house and leave you home, or you go out without them (which ever would be more fun for you). You need a break.

[meowmix]

I have so been there! Overwhelmed and tired and my husband and I being argumentative over the silliest (it seems) things. Can you and your husband pick a time after the children are asleep to just talk, without interuption from computers or TV? My husband and I have had to sit down and discuss our parenting styles, what is conflicting and how to compromise and work things out. So now we work to balance eachother because we have talked about how to handle things before hand. At least for my husband- he would never have known I was angry about him putting DD in front of the TV if *I* hadn't told him later. I would have to talk with him about quality time with the kids, no TV (or saving it for a stressful day), etc but I also give him a chance to get a word in and hear his opinion out, as well. Sometimes he has a different view on things that also deserves respect. I don't know if all husbands are the same, but sometimes mine needs kind of a reminder that he is slacking a bit and I need the reminder from him that he is alot better than he used to be! :LOL

After you and your husband discuss things, I would suggest taking some time for yourself. Can you get any time to just go out and have a cup of coffee and read a book at the bookstore, park, etc? Or just spend some time alone out of the house (do you pump milk?). Or join some sort of hobby club to be creative in (I am dying to learn to knit and hoping to get out to a knitting club soon). Can husband help with the chores at all to lighten the load on you? I don't know how his work schedule is- but in the evening my husband and I always pick up toys and make sure the kitchen is clean so when I go downstairs to make breakfast in the morning things are clean. My children are also used to seeing me clean and so do not demand my attention if I have to tidy up for an hour or two in the morning- which is my scheduled cleaning time.

As for your DD being violent towards your DS. I FEEL for you completely! My 2 year old daughter is the same way towards her 7 month old sister. I really can't leave Ariel alone in a room for a moment without me being in there because Rachael will be pinching her, or scratching her. I don't know that it is completely jealousy, or just an age thing. And I don't do much except pick Ariel up and try to keep her out of Rachael's reach when I can't be there to encourage "gentle hands". What I do with Rachael, though, is make sure she gets one on one time (very hard with 3!), especially outside because Ariel is in the Bjorn then and I can focus all attention on my other 2 children.

OK, I know I am getting longwinded, but one more thing that helped me! I am the queen of supplements, I think! I take a digestive enzyme, a probiotic, Cod Liver Oil, a multivitamin and Borage Oil. When I run out of a supplement (esp the vitamin or probiotic) I feel so lethargic! I have no energy and seem more irritable. I have so much more energy and feel more "evened out" when I am taking my supps. Don't know if you are interested in looking into that, but it helped my moods alot. Getting outside also helps when I am feeling overwhelmed or the house is messy and I just can't stand it! I try very hard to use Gentle Discipline and AP my children and every day is a challenge. Don't beat yourself up on the bad days and use those days to just reflect and learn from your mistakes. None of us is perfect and everyday is just a clean new slate. :)

[mommyofshmoo]

Hiya,

We all have times like this. In my case my older child would already be watching 4 hours of tv per day and I'd be letting her eat nothing but pirate booty by now.

I will say this though- it sounds like everyone needs to be cut more slack.

Your daughter will not become seriously malnourished even if she eats nothing but PB&J for a week. In fact, she will get sick of it and probably not eat it again for quite a while after that. It is a problem that will take care of itself.

You can talk to your husband about TV and other issues, but IME you can't make your spouse parent as you want them to. They are not hired help. I find that there are some things I'm a better parent about and my husband has a different skill set in parenting. I find that my husband is a better dad when I step back and let him do it his way- and are marriage is better too.

Finally, your husband needs to get over any weird issues he has about your delivery. If he thinks he can do it better, let him have a baby next time! You are not a superperson and sometimes you may not "accomplish" what you want or "perform" up to his expectations. I'm all for fulfilling birth experiences- but bad birth experiences happen too, and when they do, it's best to get over it.

It sounds to me like you and your husband are trying way too hard- or at least you are. (If PB&J is a real treat, you obviously feed your kids a very healthy diet.)

You being happy and relaxed is just as important for your kids development as eating well or not watching tv. And you and your husband staying together is WAY more important for the wellbeing of your family than their TV quotient.

It's hard when we realize that our spouses are not the super-fantastic heros we hoped they'd be and they turn out to be just like all the other over tired parents out there.

Good luck!

[Siana]

Thank you mamas for all your great ideas and support. They really mean the world to me. Just to feel heard out is a wonderful feeling, because I don't get to talk about these things as often as I would like!

About the communication with my DH though, I decided that if there didn't seem to be a good time for us to communicate in person, then email would be good enough! In fact, I think there are benefits to email, in that I can read his reply when I am in the same gear, when I have dealt with the other more important things that are bothering me. Granted, email should not replace direct communication, but it's a great way for me to relieve my pressure valve when needed.

About getting some time to myself, I finally ventured out of the house two Friday's ago without either of my babies. My husband had to talk me in to it because I was a worried about my little guy, but it was so liberating. I found I was not a scatter-brain while doing the shopping. In fact, I remembered things we needed that I had forgotten to write on the list at home. I had a wonderful brisk walk to and from the store and felt refreshed after.

The GD is going great again! I realized that I needed to pace myself better. I think I am a wanna-be overachiever. I was that person a few years ago, and it's unfortunate that I seem to have this belief that just being a mom is not nearly enough work! Stupid society! :LOL I thought I was resistant to irrational attitudes like that, but I guess not. It's sad, but recognizing it is the first step to change.

Anyway, it's late and I need sleep, but I am glad to say that the storm has passed. Thank you for provding me with a shoulder to cry and whine on :LOL