only one of me, one babe wide awake, the other desperate for nap

[artgirl]

I really need some advice here. My 3 yo will not go to sleep on her own. I've always laid down with her to get her to go to sleep. I enjoy it most of the time. It was never an issue until ds came along.
He's 6 mo now and his naps don't always correspond to hers anymore.
Today he'd JUST woken up from a 2.5 hour nap and my dd was *crazy* sleepy when I got home. (I work part-time and babysitter was unable to get dd to sleep).
So I'm left with a dilemma. Do I keep ds in the room with dd and I while I wait for her to fall asleep or do I have dd go to sleep on her own?
Well, both have their shortfalls.
Ds is more and more vocal and dd has a hard time falling to sleep while he's happy yelling. Plus, I think it's unfair of him to have to be in there when he's raring to play.
I tried explaining to dd that I couldn't lay down with her this afternoon and she got hysterical. I nursed ds while dd tried to fall asleep but she wasn't quite out when I stood up and she started crying and panicking. She really seems distraught, plus, of course, she's overtired.
I told her I'd bring in her favorite lion toy to keep her company so she wouldn't be lonely. I sang for a little while holding ds, I explained that I'd be right in the next room. I told her the baby monitor was on so that if she needed me she could just say "mama" and I'd come right in. I held her while she shrieked and cried and told her that I loved her. I thought maybe she just needed to get it out. I reminded her how often I check on ds when he's sleeping and told her she'd be safe, it's okay to sleep by yourself. I said that I understood that she was worried, etc. etc. She told me she was having "scary thoughts".
Ultimately today... I saw how tired dd was, especially after the *episode* she was having and I did the only thing I could think of. I put ds in an exersaucer in the living room and went back in to lay down with dd for a minute. Took her 3 minutes to fall asleep. (our house is really small, there was nothing ds could get into in his saucer and I could hear him). BUT I know this can't happen all the time.
WHAT DO I DO?!!
I feel that dd is not ready to sleep on her own yet. She honestly seems beside herself whenever I mention it. I feel like a horrible mom to ds because dd needs me right now more than he does. He's very easy-going.
I wasn't sure where to post this because I need answers and it involves a baby and young child. I need ideas from people who've had both and been through this. I'm sure some really smart mod. will know better than me.
HELP.

p.s. she's awake again after only 15 minutes!! ARGH.

[oceanbaby]

I would put them both in the car and go for a drive.

Otherwise, I would let the 3yo watch a video while I layed down with the baby. But it depends on whether your 3yo can be left unattended. At that age my son could be left alone to wander our (very small) house while I was putting the baby down for a nap, but I know not all kids are like that.

[USAmma]

When I had my second I just had to let go of some of my expectations to have a good day or have certain things accomplished. It sounds pitiful but that's the truth. I have had your sort of day and what worked best was to have some floor time with both kids and try to snuggle or play with both of them at the same time.

If all else fails and I was NOT coping well, I had no reservations about putting on an engaging but quiet video for my oldest. I required that she lie down on the couch and I would sit next to her or sit on the floor near the couch and play with baby until she was settled down. More often than not she would settle down and sometimes she would fall asleep. If she didn't drift off , she would at least get into the movie and allow me to be away from her for awhile, and she seemed to feel refreshed after sitting quietly with the movie.

TV is a tool that can be abused like a babysitter, or it can be a tool to get you through a really hard day and give everyone a small and refreshing mental break from each other. If you are not a believer in TV watching, a bath might be another good option. Maybe even a family bath. If not family bath, you and baby can play on the floor in the bathroom while your 3yo bathes. Water is very calming and it might even result in a nap, or an improved mood.

[SmilesALot]

My children are about 2 yrs and 8 months apart and we used to have situations like this. I go by who needs me the most at that time. If it would help to lie down next to my older one to sleep while the baby plays in a saucer(or some other entertaining activity - I don't do TV until they are atleast 3 years old and they really ask for it), i would do that. My older one was needy during sleep time and sometimes feeding the baby sitting on the bed worked while my older one lied down very close to me. The only difference in your situation & mine was that my older one after falling asleep tired would usually sleep for atleast an hour or two without needing anyone beside. Your daughter could have woken up because she had a tough time falling asleep not feeling totally secure that you are right beside her. Go ahead and give yourself to the child who needs you at that hour.

Another thing is to try to see if you can overlap the sleep time of both of them. This is something you can try eventhough it may not happen all the time. Having a routine may help to make their naps coincide as much as possible. I have had times when my older one was not tired enough to go to sleep at the same time in the afternoon as my younger one. I have lost my patience a couple of times over this and then gave up the expectation that the older one has to nap everyday.

If it is a incident that happens everyday after you come back from work, could you ask the babysitter to stay for an extra half hour while you help your older one fall asleep?

Peace & Love!

[TranscendentalMom]

I've had the same problem and it got so bad that I let ds skip a nap and go to bed early. I know all kids can't do this and most people feel their 3 yr old still needs a nap but it works for us. We start bedtime routine by 6:30 and he is out by 7. I actually like this better because we don't have t o plan the whole day around his nap. Good luck!

[roses1001]

I had the same problem when my second child was born. For the first month or so I could lay down with both of them--nursing the baby and singing the toddler to sleep. Once the baby got out of the sleepy newborn phase things got a little harder. For about 5 months I took the kids on a drive. The baby didn't always like that idea, but at least I got my toddler a much needed nap. It seemed to be the ONLY way to get him to sleep. Then, it got too cold outside to drive him to sleep. So, I rocked them both on the rocking chair for naps. I read a lot of books for those 5 months of sitting in the chair for naptime! :LOL

Since your kids don't nap at the same time, I don't know if that would work. But, maybe taking them on a drive? Also, I don't think it's such a bad thing to leave your baby alone to play for a few minutes--assuming he's safe and you can hear him, like you said. I actually remember doing that sometimes, too; however, my baby never liked to be alone for more than 30 seconds when she was younger. Your baby and your toddler have different needs. You said your baby is more easy going. To me that means he doesn't mind playing alone for a while. Your daughter needs you to fall asleep. And if it really only takes her 3 minutes to fall asleep, I think it's reasonable to spend that time with her and let your baby play.

My toddler is high-need, and my baby is a bit more easy-going. I know how weird it is to feel like you're giving more to your older child when you feel like it should be the other way around. But, each child is an individual and has individual needs. A quote from Siblings Without Rivalry: "Children don't need to be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely." Our job is to fulfill their individual needs, not to give to them equally.

Sorry, I have to run...kids calling. I hope that made some sense.

Good luck! :hug