I just need a break, help.

[MotherWhimsey]

My dd is 17 mos. and up until about 15 mos, she would play by herself during the day a whole lot. She would play with me too, but it seemed like she really needed the time to play alone. From then on she's become more and more demanding of my time. I really don't mind playing with her for most of the day, but now it's really taking a lot out of me. I can't sit down without her coming over and asking for my hand then dragging me around. If I start to cook or do some other chore, she demands to be picked up. I'm all about AP and I have no problem with these things in theory. If she needs attention, then she just needs attention. But I've been doing this for months now, and I feel like my reserves are very low. She's extremely difficult to get to sleep and so I don't usually even get a break when she goes to sleep. She's started waking up during her nap cranky and still tired, just to see where I am and ask me to hold her, so naps aren't that much of a break anymore. DH helps a lot, but if I leave the room, dd gets upset and comes and finds me. I don't think I've pooped alone in a very very long time. I know that this is what parenting is all about, and I really don't think she's asking too much, she's just very attached and needs a lot of attention. But how can I refuel myself. I just feel like all I do is give and give, and I haven't stopped yet to take anything back. I've started to feel restless and have started to eat poorly, and I really think its because I need a break. If she won't even let her father babysit her, how can I refuel? I haven't ever yelled at her, the most I've done is lost it a little bit and gotten snappish at bed time (after usually 2 hours of fighting from her), but I've started to get really annoyed by things she does that didn't used to annoy me. I really don't want to start to resent her and begin to yell or anyhting like that just because I'm on empty. Please give me advice on how to handle this. Anything.
TIA,
Mother Whimsey

[meemee]

courey, i am so sorry u r going thru such hard times. what i try to do is focus on the future. my dd goes thru similar phases of separation anxiety too - in fact going thru one right now. she is so much more emotional right now. i cant even go on teh potty without her. but i do work ft outside so i get a break from her but when i get home i can do nothing. my house is a MESS.

now i have a friend whose parents ignored her when seh was a baby. and imo i feel a lot of what she is today - v. v. needy, childish, demanding, is from her babyhood when she was a high needs baby who NEEDED mommy - but never got her. i keep thinking i dont want my dd to be like her. all i have to do is hang in there as this too shall pass. if i can hang in theire and deal with this time on the long run i am helping my dd to be a happy, secure well adjusted adult. i have no help so i dont get any time to myself. even if i wake up at night my dd wakes up in a few minutes and looks for me. so sometimes i just read in bed or write in my journal with my dd's death grip round my neck in case i leave again.

one thing i have noticed is when i yell at her, she is just getting the rough end of my stick. she is not the one making me mad it is my frustration. my frustration that the laundry is not done, the dishes are not done. and i kinda feel sometimes its becuase of her and get mad. so i let go. i tell myself well we will just have to do with dirty dishes for a while. sometimes i involve her in my chores and sometimes seh doesnt want to join me. so i lower my expectations. when i feel anger coming on i immediately separate from her and give myself a timeout in another room or bathroom and many times i have stuffed a towel in my mouth and screamed into it.

hang in there. it will get better. talk to yourself and try and see the other side of ur dd. i have some of her fav. pictures on my refrigerator door and when i feel angry i just look at them to get the warm and fuzzies which dissipate my frustration.

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

Sounds like me with my ds a few years ago. It does get better, I promis.

In an ideal world, if someone could wave a magic wand and your dd was suddenly happy to leave you alone for an hour every day what would you do with that time? Is there any of that you can do with her there?

Getting out for walks was a lifesaver for me. I would put ds in a back pack and walk in the woods whenever possible. Sometimes he would fall asleep and I would find a spot to talk the pack off and just sit quietly for a few min. Is there somewhere you could go with her in a carrier of some sort? If the woods isn't your thing than maybe window shopping down town or at the mall. She will more than likley be happy being carried but you will still be free to focus on something you like to do for a little while. Your dh might be able to talk her for walks to. My ds didn't like to be left with dad at that age but was fine rideing dad in a pack. That could give you a bit if time on your own to.

[Diane B]

I know that this is what parenting is all about, and I really don't think she's asking too much, she's just very attached and needs a lot of attention. But how can I refuel myself. I just feel like all I do is give and give, and I haven't stopped yet to take anything back. I've started to feel restless and have started to eat poorly, and I really think its because I need a break. If she won't even let her father babysit her, how can I refuel? \

I don't think parenting is all about running yourself absolutely into the ground so you have nothing left to give. I really don't. You seem really clear that you need a break. I would suggest, kindly, that it's not her choice to "let" her father babysit her. You can leave her with her dad, and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Just go. She will be ok, and you can refuel. Maybe she'll be unhappy for a bit - that's ok, and in my book, part of learning to be a human being is dealing with not getting our way all of the time. I also think it's good for my daughter to learn that other people can love and care for her and she can trust them to meet her needs.

Also, my daughter gets incredibly clingy when she is teething. If we give her something to control the pain, it really helps her play more independently again. Just a thought.

I also second the previous poster's comment about getting outside. That really helps me (and her) to both enjoy ourselves.

Take care -

[SillyGigglyGirls]

I know the feeling. I have a 3, 5 and 7 year old.
There are times, I feel like I am coming unglued.
My bf and I we don't even know what sleep is around here.
Our 3 year old has night terrors, that constantly causes us
to wake up. Hearin g her screaming in a fit of rage. Thrashing
all over the place in her bed. We have to wake her up, calm her
down and put her back to bed. Our 5 year old, she just goes, goes
and goes. They both get up anywhere from 4 am to 6am. Sometimes
they are up like at 3, 4, 5 by 6:30am we have HAD enough! We just gently
guide them back to bed. I think the real problem is you need "sleep." Sleep
deprivation can affect you "big time." On all levels. You become irriatible quicker, you find yourself loosing patience faster, you feel like you can't handle anything not even the slightly whine," MOMMY!" You feel overwhelmed.
You need a good night sleep, actually probably acouple good nights of sleep. My bf is awesome, he gets up with them. And lets me sleep, I have to function all day with them. I don't get a break, he goes to school, work and comes home and does Daddy duty. Ask for family members to help maybe? Maybe just get a friend to come over, and babysit for a day (while you go and sleep). Tell your hub, that you really need rest and it's affecting you.
I know exactly where you are coming from. One night I didn't get the girls to bed until almost 11 and they woke up around 8-9ish the next morning. We were like, wow ..no interrupted sleep, we actually had a decent night's rest.
You need the same! :) :innocent

[USAmma]

Could she be getting some teeth? The process is hard on everyone. Try giving her some Hylands tablets or some Ibuprofin and see if her mood improves. Will she do stroller rides with your dh? When my dd was clingy and mommy's girl she would still jump at the chance of a stroller or backpack ride.

My 1yo is very demanding right now in part to teething, in part to just her age. I catch up on weekends. Even having a bath or going to the bathroom alone is refreshing. Dh has been very good lately about understanding my need for even a little alone time.

[moma justice]

i wanted to add that your baby is reaching out of the baby stage some at 17 months...so maybe you could try and let her "help" you some

they are so easy to convince that they ARE doing something real at that age...
you are trying ot fold laundry give her things to fold and let her stuff them into the drawer....give her aspoon and a bowl while you are cooking, my dd LOVES a wet rag to wipe up the floor furniture ANYTHING with....sometimes her help makes it much longer of a job, but it is all easier over all b/c she feels satisfied and happy and proud

also i make sur ei weear my dd out as much as i can each day...sometimes i play wild chase games with her till she is almos tout of breath ( i chase her on my hands and knees often....)
or we put on music and dance...go outside and to the park.....
i think you will be surprised at how far your baby can walk....

if i spend the morning whooping it up, she usually is more able to do some independent quiet play in the afternoon.

good luck
and i am all about giving that baby over to daddy, it is good for everyone!

[ShadowMom]

I feel your pain, mama!!! I really do. I'm going through something similar (although DS has been a LOT better the last couple of days, so maybe things are improving).

It came around the same time, too... I think it might be age-related. At 1 yearish, he would play by himself for a LONG time, but now the only time he goes more than 5 minutes without needing my attention, or some help, or wanting to be picked up, etc. is when he's outside by himself.

He's just been extremely clingy in general too - REALLY wanting/needing mamma all of the time.

The times when he's easiest to deal with are when I'm getting him involved in what I do. That can be a real PITA, to be honest, because it's hard to, say, cook with a toddler "helping" you. :LOL But, if I can find SOME way to keep him involved, he's thrilled beyond belief.

And, I sometimes realize that even though he bugs me every second of the day, sometimes I don't really just stop what I'm doing and focus on doing something exclusively with him very often. So, I'll sit down and just read to him, or play with him, or do something exclusively with him (although I'm sure you do plenty of that already).

It also helps to remember that, a few years from now, he won't "need" mamma at all! He won't look around for me at the playground, he'll go places without me and not even care that I'm not there, and he sure as heck won't want to be held and snuggled and nursed all of the time. So it does sometimes help to remember that.

I have gotten very frustrated though, and unlike you I have definitely yelled at him. :bag: :hide: I always feel HORRIBLE that I got impatient with him afterward and I apologize.

This too shall pass, right?

[dharmamama]

My daughter was the same way. She played really well alone for a long time, and I thought, "Man, have I got this made." Then, about 18 months old, she suddenly had to have me involved at all times. This lasted until about a month ago. My daughter is now 41 months old.

All I can say is, being a parent does not mean that you completely neglect your needs. There has to be balance. Just because your daughter wants you all the time doesn't mean she has to have you at all times.

It sounds like you are a SAHM. So am I. There are 168 hours in a week. Your daughter is not going to be damaged if you are only around for 160 of those hours. Her dad is her dad. He is equally as much her parent as you are. To me, it doesn't really matter whether she prefers you or not. You have the need and the right to not be solely responsible for your child 24/7/365. Humans were not created to do that. Leave her with dad and take a break.

As for during the day, at about 18 months I introduced both coloring/gluing and miniature doll furniture. Both things kept my daughter occupied for short stretches so I could at least have a snack or go to the bathroom.

Also, ask a friend to come over with her child. Having another adult around makes a lot of difference, at least it did for me.

Namaste!