how much of an effort is being a good mom to you?

[luckylady]

I ask this because I am pregnant with #2 - and initially I never even wanted children. DD #1 was unplanned and I cried and cried, but now of course she is the joy of my life. Then I decided I only wanted one, but DH said no way could we have an only...so we agreed to wait and space them 4 years apart. We did it perfectly, DD will be four in April and the peanut will be born in May. At first I was thrilled that we got pregnant on plan, so excited to have another baby - I WANTED to do it...

but now I am thinking what the HE!! was I thinking?!?!?!?!? I am terrified. I am depressed, and I am ashamed to admit that having an abortion has crossed my mind. Terrible to say and admitting that I have thought about it makes me cry.

But being a good mother is such a conscious effort for me. I was raised in a VERY abusive home and I have read every book on the planet about parenting and self esteem etc etc. DD is AP'd, nursed til she self weaned at 35 mos, co-slept etc etc. I have always treated her with respect and as if she is a person rather than MY child and as a result she is so thoughtful and kind and loving and independent- such a unique and joyous child - but there is always that first instinct when I feel my blood boil to yell at her or hit her - I don't but the fact that it's THERE scares me beyond words.

To top it off DD was an incredible intense baby - what is termed "spirited" - she NEVER slept, HAD to held ALL THE TIME, freaked out in the arms of anyone other than me - showers we NO fun with her sitting htere screaming. To think I could have another baby that was as intense as she was FREAKS me out. I don't think I can have enough patience for her demanding little personality and a baby who is the same way - my joke has always been that I was a very impatient person and always asked God for patience - so he tested me with traffic and red lights and rude cashiers and I failed, so he sent me Ellerie. LOL. She has made me more patient than I ever thought possible.

My DD only stopped nursing in March and after that I felt like I got ME back again - hard to explain - I guess just because she became more detatched from me - older, more independent etc etc. and I LOVED it.

and now I am starting ALL OVER AGAIN.

What if I can't do it? What if I hate it? What if I kill myself??? I had such terrible postpartum with DD that I thought about suicide all the time and I am terrified about that as well.

Is this just such an issue for me because of my upbringing??? I feel like a freak. No one knows I feel this way because my friends all see me as super mom - always asking me for parenting advice etc. and since I got pregnant I have really withdrawn from everyone - I feel very depressed and so scared that I can't do it - I am alone in my head. DH says I wil be wonderful and fine - but I am not so sure.

Has anyone ever experienced these feelings? Is this normal? Do I need some serious therapy? Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression?!?

Thanks mommas. :(

[Neldavi]

I'm sure some much wiser mamas will have good advice for you but just wanted to say I hear you and :hug.

My ds is only 17 mo. but I have some of those feelings, for sure. The wanting to lash out when they're being, um, trying :( . There was an interesting thread about this not too long ago, instinct versus learned parenting. It made me realize that often our instinct is to just lash out and make that kid behave by force, but then our higher mind tells us to love and treat them with respect.

Anyway, I think that it's a rare mother who hasn't had moments (or days, or months :innocent ) of doubt, depression, rage, desire to go back to how things were pre-child. It sounds like you're doing a great job at being the parent you want to be while being honest about your feelings.

Every mama I know or have ever heard of who had a high-needs child as their first said that they're second was so much easier. You've got so much good practice now .. you'll do great. :hug

ETA: I just read my post and felt like it seemed too "oh, don't worry, it's all good :crap" I did mean it, but obviously if you're thinking about suicide regularly there is something else going on that I'm not qualified to speak to, I didn't want to ignore that ... is there anyone IRL that you can talk to about these things?

[The Lucky One]

Hugs mama.

Being a good mama consumes me. It takes so much effort on my part and I was raised in a great loving home. It is truly the hardest thing I have ever done. Hands down.

The one thing I'd say you have going for yourself is that you seem very insightful into you own situation and honestly, the more I learn about people and human nature, insightfulness into one's own situation is a pretty rare thing. Because you have identified your potential weaknesses, I think you may able to get a handle on them before they occur or before the escalate to the point that you are severely depressed or suicidal.

I also had a HIGH needs baby with ds1 and I basically had to have mental pep rallys every day prior to ds2's birth telling myself over and over that I *could* do it all over again.

Good luck, mama!

[Levatrice]

{{{hugs}}} I felt exactly like you. I was really depressed, I now understand that for me being pregnant = depression and it is a chemical thing. Could it be that you are depressed? I know you mentioned PPD and being depressed during pregnancy is a marker for PPD later on.

My upbringing was totally different than yours so I am not sure if it has anything to do with my personal feelings. My parents were, IMO, ideal. No abuse, AP lifestyle, perfect childhood. For me it's brain chemistry.

Being a good mom is only a conscious effort when I'm depressed and then I find I question myself constantly, fixate on what I do wrong. But I don't enjoy motherhood like other moms, I just don't.

My kids are also spaced 4 years apart and, like I said, I had the same doubts you're having. You might continue to feel that way until you have the baby. I found that I was very regretful in the first trimester (very), felt happier in the second, but was very doubtful in the third.

If you're feeling so depressed that it affects your daily function or you're thinking of suicide (now or in the post-partum) there are meds that can be safely taken during pregnancy and breastfeeding. No mother should have to be suicidal post-partum, it's too cruel for anyone to go through.

FWIW, you will feel better once the baby is here. He or she won't be your first child and the second baby is soooo much easier. You don't fret, you know what you're doing, things come easier and they fit into your life much faster than baby #1. My second child didn't alter my life even a fraction of how much the first did.

{{{hugs}}} I hope you feel better. Your post really took me back.:(

[SmilesALot]

Hi

I want to assure you that being a good mom and not impulsively acting on your instincts when kids behave as kids is a lot of effort and does not come easy for most. Especially when we are moms who set our standards high in parenting our child, these kind of doubts do arise. I admire that you have been able to overcome all your internal emotions and mother your first one in a way that you yourself feel good about (besides other people's positive comments). I suppose your older one being a thoughtful child could be the one who reminds you that you can be a good mom raising above all the doubts that come in your mind. I understand how difficult it can be with PPD and suicidal tendencies. I sincerely pray that you rise above all these challenges and be successful at mothering your two children.

Best wishes to you!
Peace & Love!

[MsMoMpls]

Just lots of love and support. What a powerfully brave post! I would consider the possibility that you are already facin PPD. You might want to consider talking to you doctor. Getting on top of it early could make your birth experience and infancy so much better.

I think the hardest thing in the world is chosing to end the cycle of abuse in your family. Saying I won't pass on what was passed on to me is amazing. You sound so loving and dedicated and brave. Your children are truely blessed.

[luckylady]

OK, you guys made me cry and feel a whole lot better - a whole lot more normal. There is comfort to know that people who had an ideal upbringing experience these same feelings - to know it is a brain chemistry thing. I WILL ask my doctor for help - there is no reason to feel this way...

It's comforting to know that mothering is a required effort to other people (and now that DD is hitting the oh so fun 3-1/2 phase, AKA let's contradict mom and whine all day) at the end of the day I am BURNED out from being patient and loving and helping her deal with her overwhelming emotions when I just want to scream at her to stop being a "brat".

I AM a VERY introspective person which I consider a real blessing. :)

Thank you all again so much for you loving and wise words and for lifting my spirit up.

I am still scared, but not feeling like such a wacko now. :o

[Jennifer3141]

Cheryl,

I am right in the middle of raising a toddler DD who is MORE than most other kids. You know what I'm talking about. :LOL
And I got pregnant with DS so quickly that I would lay in bed at night and think, "I just can't do this again." DD wears me out every day!!!!!

But when my son was born, I knew I had gotten a "break." He is so incredibly mellow compared to DD's energy. I adore both kids with all my heart. I adore the differences in their personalities. But they are at different ends of the emotional and energetic spectrum. My son is a calm sea. My daughter is a ball of fire.

I have to reign my temper in with DD constantly. You're so not alone on that one. I came from a volatile upbringing too. Parenting consciously is the hardest thing I have ever - or ever will - do. You are not alone out there. I promise.

[LoveChild421]

:hug I really feel what you're saying- I can tell you're a really good person and a good mom- you've had a lot to overcome and you did- going above and beyond the "norm" of sticking a bottle in your daughters mouth and leaving her to cry. I'm sure you'll do just as amazing of a job with this little one as well. You never know, this one could be easy as pie- my mom told me that she felt like she was literally going to go crazy and runaway with me and then my sister came along and was the easiest baby anyone had ever seen.

I think therapy would be beneficial for you- simply because you said you feel alone in your head- going to therapy can help you sort out some of those feelings and see where they're coming from and it can be great "vent" time. I've been in therapy myself and it has really helped me work through some of the issues from my childhood.

[JillChristina]

It's comforting to know that mothering is a required effort to other people (and now that DD is hitting the oh so fun 3-1/2 phase, AKA let's contradict mom and whine all day) at the end of the day I am BURNED out from being patient and loving and helping her deal with her overwhelming emotions when I just want to scream at her to stop being a "brat".


This struck such a chord with me. I have been feeling the EXACT same way lately. Good to know I'm not alone!

Many of the things you mentioned in your first post sound so familiar to me. I wasn't really raised in an abusive home but it certainly wasn't AP. I DO NOT want to be the mom my mom was. I love her and I'm sure she did the best she could but I want to do better. It is VERY, VERY hard sometimes to not do what my first instinct tells me to do. I don't always win that battle but I try very hard. I also think it is even more difficult to be intentional about your mothering when you're pregnant (at least for me it is). I'm tired, worn out, feeling crappy, but I still have to try to be a good mom. The kind of mom my dd deserves. Thankfully dh backs me up well when he is home in the evenings and on the weekend. Without him, I don't know what I'd do.

I've also had fears about this second baby. My dd was not a good sleeper, we had a horrible time getting started with breastfeeding, etc. I see our lives as just starting to settle down a bit and here we go again with a new baby. Are we crazy?! ;) But I really am looking forward to this little one. And Kylie is excited too. I know there will be rough patches but I also know the love that this little life will bring to our family will outweigh that. Babies are just magical.

One thing that just came to mind, thinking back on when dd was a baby, is that you just find a way to make it through. You're a mom and this is your job (hopefully one you enjoy). If you're tired, you somehow find a way to get up and nurse the baby for the 80th time during the night. The diapers never stop and you just keep changing them. Even on the rough days, we find a way. And if we're lucky, we can even find some good in those hard times.

Take care of yourself and know that you *CAN* do this. I'm sure after this baby is born you will discover strength in yourself you didn't know you had. Because you're a mom and you're good at it. :)

Jill

[USAmma]

Congrats!! I wish we had spaced ours four years apart instead of three, so I'm slightly envious of your situation. :) The 4's are so much easier than the 3's.

As far as pareting goes-- I was also abused severely for most of my life. Sometimes I have to fight old ghosts. However the biggest challenge is being rested and at peace. If I can achieve the rest and the inner peace, it's very easy for me to be a loving, attentive mother (and wife, for that matter).

Try to do whatever you can to get rest and have your dp help you as much as he can. Let him take your 3yo out on lots of errands and daddy-daughter dates so you can have some breathing room in the pregnancy. It's a good thing to continue after baby comes, too.

[luckylady]

You guys really are awesome. I had a heart to heart with DH and told him that this is really serious and he's great about it. He took DD to the park so I can just have some sit and BE quiet time.

Anyway - I can't tell you how much better I really do feel because of your kind words and understanding.

THANK YOU. :throb

[meemee]

cheryl, do u have someone apart from ur DH who u can talk to in confidence without feeling judged? i think that will really help u somewhat. i personally didnt go thru what u r going thru. but i had a friend who was so scared by her experience plus a horrible first year plus bfeeding issues that they decided one child and no more. the reason why i write is because we met when our children were 6 months old - both extremely spirited and we had such a difference of opinions of 'my' time. i enjoyed motherhood and since i was in teh process of becoming single i had no help. i was with my dd 24/7. and i enjoyed it. that is what i had wanted my whole life. my friend even today cannot function without time to herself. her time. it is so important for her. that has no bearing on her parenting style but she actually gets depressed if she doesnt have some time to herself. her MIL moved to live close to them to help them out. i work ft and i miss anytime i dont have my dd with me. many times my dd wants to visit our neighbours without me. so even if i know she is having a good time i just miss her company. if our roles were switched we would both me miserable with our situation.

there are MANY women in ur situation but they dont voice it. i think there is just a couple of us who know about my friend. it is so easy to hide it too in public. so like pp said u r v. brave to post about what you are going thru. and even if i dont share ur sentiments i so respect you as a mom.