I don't think I'm strong enough to do this again

[shannon0218]

In yet here I am, in the process of loosing another baby. This pregnancy has been touch and go from the start. All along I've tried to convince myself that knowing things weren't looking good would make it easier to accept if it didn't work out. I was preparing myself, but it doesn't appear to have worked.
Had another U/S this afternoon at what should be 9 weeks. No heartbeat, baby measures at 6w,4d. Yolk sac is too large, the RE says these things point to a genetic abnormality. At first he was pushing for a d&c right away ,then he got my blood work back and my beta levels that were slow to double (4.5 days instead of 2 or 3) from the start are suddenly doubling in 3 days. Growth from the last U/S is actually on track--not for my dates but for the time difference between U/S's. So now he want's to repeat the U/S next tuesday.
Sure I'm glad for the hope however miniscule, but it makes it harder too. I'm so confused and hurting right now. I want to cuddle my 8 mos old and all she wants to do is rip paper to shreds on the floor. I want to crawl into bed and just not come out again. Dh is sleeping, he works nights and has been up all day with Molly so I don't even feel like I can go wake him up. I just want to be held until the pain goes away but I know that's not going to happen, so I just sit here and cry.

[Breathless Wonder]

I'm really sorry Shannon. :(

[iris0110]

Shannon :hug I will keep holding out hope for you and this little baby.

[JLav]

I'm so sorry Shannon. :Hug I was so excited for you. Be gentle with yourself during this hard time. You're in my thoughts. :candle

[Kerrie]

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. You will be in my thoughts. :hug

[gabry]

Shannon, I'm so so sorry. My ob wants to have another hcg checked even though the first two (5 days apart) were the same. It almost feels like a waste of time and hope :(
I too feel like I don't want to and shouldn't have to go through this again, but it seems we don't get to have a choice about these things. It's maddening and frustrating.. Hang in there girl

[PortraitPixie]

Oh, Shannon. :( :hug :hug :hug

[Irishmommy]

:hug Can I do anything to help?

[rainbowmoon]

:hug

[coleslaw]

Oh no Shannon! You should not have to go through this again! I just don't understand... I will be holding you in my thoughts until next Tuesday. :heartbeat

[chiromama]

Shannon, i'm thinking of you. :hug

[LianneM]

I'm so sorry Shannon :hug

[farmlife]

:hug shannon

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

Oh no Shannon. :( I'm so sorry. :( Gentle ((((hugs)))).

[taradt]

:hug Shannon, You should not be having to deal with this crap yet again sigh...

I will keep you in my thoughts and keep hope alove for your little one

take care

tara

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

Shannon,
I am so sorry. Please know that you are so loved. We can hold you up, when you don't feel like you can do it yourself. You are in my thoughts...hoping for the best for you and your family.

Peace and Love,
Jackie

[egoldber]

I'm so sorry. :hug

I've had several losses and each time I think to myself how can I do this again?

In yet here I am, in the process of loosing another baby. This pregnancy has been touch and go from the start. All along I've tried to convince myself that knowing things weren't looking good would make it easier to accept if it didn't work out. I was preparing myself, but it doesn't appear to have worked.

I'm sorry. No matter how hard you try to prepare yourself, there's nothing you can do to stop the grief. :hug

[SweetTeach]

Shannon,
I am sorry. No other words...
:hug

[LisaG]

Oh Shannon, I wish I had more to offer you than these words that seem so freakin' useless. I am thinking of you and will hope for the best. :hug

Lisa

[nora--not a llama]

Shannon, I'm sending thoughts and prayers of peace and comfort your way. I'm just so sorry, momma.

[shannon0218]

Hi everyone, I saw my OB today. Basically she agrees that things don't look good but did say that the RE couldn't have been more stupid to announce that the pregnancy had failed before even looking at all the information.
According to the 2 U/S reports, the first U/S measured baby at 4 weeks, 5days. Yesterdays U/S measures baby at 6 weeks 4 days--there was exactly to the hour 13 days between ultrasounds. My OB made the point that dead babies don't grow--so while it's entirely possible that baby had a heartbeat until that mornign and lost it, she feels that since a heartbeat hasn't been documented and then lost, that it is impossible to say for sure that the baby has died. She said as far as his assessment that you always see a heartbeat by 5 mm, she said often a heartbeat isn't seen until 7 weeks and that 7 weeks is much closer to 6 mm. We still have the concern that I've had a positive preg test for too long to only be 6 w, 4 days along and she said indeed that is a concern especially with my clotting disorder. She has upped my heparin dosage incase there are clots in the placenta causing slow growth.
She wants me to come by her office when I'm done at the next U/s and she said if need be she can put me in for an emergency d&c on Wednesday morning but that based on the information we have right now that she absolutely wouldn't recomend doing one right now.

So, while the news is really no better, at least with Val I feel like I'm being listened to and heard and I trust her. So I'm not jumping for joy but I'm feeling a little more settled about things.

[Quirky]

Shannon, I am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed that the baby is OK. It must be so hard not knowing. :hug

[Megan_Cherry]

:candle I am so sorry. I just lost my baby two days ago and the pain is still so fresh. I wish I could give you a hug.

[chiromama]

Thinking of you Shannon. :love and hoping for the best.

[mamabutterfly]

So, while the news is really no better, at least with Val I feel like I'm being listened to and heard and I trust her.

I'm glad for that anyway. I'm so sorry for all of this uncertainty. :(

:Hug

[Ary99]

Shannon, thinking of you and praying for this baby.

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

Oh Shannon. :( I hope everything is okay. I'm keeping you in my prayers. Keep us updated. :hugs

[Quirky]

:Hug

[bbjbryner]

I've been through this twice and know how you feel. Amazingly, you are strong enough to do this but shouldn't have to. :( I'm sure dh would be glad to hold you while you cry and it would really help. My thoughts are with you.

[fenwickmama]

thinking of you, mama.

[stafl]

She said as far as his assessment that you always see a heartbeat by 5 mm, she said often a heartbeat isn't seen until 7 weeks and that 7 weeks is much closer to 6 mm. We still have the concern that I've had a positive preg test for too long to only be 6 w, 4 days along and she said indeed that is a concern especially with my clotting disorder.

((((Shannon)))) They didn't even find my first daughter on u/s until 8 weeks, and didn't see her heartbeat until 12 (this is measuring weeks after LMP, and I do have really long cycles, but i also have a very tilted, retroflex, uterus which makes u/s harder). My doc never voiced any concern about it, and she is just fine. I never even had HSG bloodwork drawn, even with my history of miscarriages and numerous chemical pregnancies.
:candle
your baby is growing, hang on to that. you don't have to have all the tests if you don't want them. But that's just how I am, the tests would make me more nervous than the uncertainty. Hang in there. we are all praying for you. :hug

[Raven]

Shannon ~ you are in my thoughts mama :hug We are here if you need us. ((((hugs))))

[annakiss]

Shannon, thinking of you. :hug

[JLav]

I wish I could hug you. I know how terrible this waiting is and I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this.
I'll be thinking of you! :Hug

[farmlife]

You are in my thoughts today.

[mama4gals]

Shannon, I'm sending up lots of prayers for the life of your little one. I know you hate to get your hopes up, but you wouldn't be human if you didn't. This is new life, and we can't help but get excited about it. I've just had my 4th mc in a row, and crazy me, I'm still hoping I'll get another shot at this before I'm too old. It's been so great to read everyone's encouraging words; it's carried me through even though I don't really have anyone to talk to (my husband isn't much of a communicator in these kinds of matters). Just knowing you all are here when I need help has been a great blessing.

[NWmt_mama]

:hug Thinking good thoughts for you.

[discokitty]

sending some hugs your way :hug :hug :hug

[Jacque Savageau]

Shannon, I'm so very, very sorry :hug I've been reading this thread and just at a loss for words. Please know I'm thinking about you and let us know how your doing.

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

I trust her.

Having a care provider that one truly can trust, is sometimes, half the battle.
I am sorry that you are going through this Shannon.
Love and Peace to you, dh and Miss Molly.

~Jackie

[KYCat]

I'm so sorry :hug
You are in my thoughts and prayers. :hug

[djs_girl517]

:hug Shannon :hug

[shannon0218]

Well, I had the U/S this afternoon and it's over. I will be having a d&c tomorrow afternoon. I started spotting last night so there is some concern that I will start to miscarry tonight and that could be bad as I'm on a pretty heavy dose of heparin and I almost bled out during my first miscarriage when I wasn't on any thinners.

I'm so angry. I'm just seething with the fertility clinic. I mean I had blood work done on Saturday and when I called for the results they told me the progesterone was REALLY low so they'd talk to my doctor about on Tuesday!! 3 freakin days later!! I mean if the progesterone is so important and mine is horribly low--why the hell would you leave it for 3 days?? When she told me that I told her "well, by then the baby will dead for sure won't it" so she talked to another doctor and called me back and asked me to come in the next morning for progesterone in oil. When I got there, I had Molly with me and no stroller and they transferred me from room to room to room to room. When I'd been there 90 minutes she tells me to go to the medication room (farthest away from the front desk) so I go there and then she's humming and hawing and I said "Let me guess, you want me to go to the front desk and pay first??" She giggles and says "Well, it's just a personal policy of mine" She looked so put out and when I said "Well, God forbid it's about anything other than the money."

I'm sad, and angry and scared. I don't imagine we will be trying again, I just have nothing left mentally for all of this and I think another loss will just kill me (if this one doesn't finish me off)

[Quirky]

:crying I am so sorry.

[chiromama]

Shannon, I'm so sorry. Sending you my love...

[polka123]

:Hug :hug Mama

[Shenjall]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Its not right. Its not fair.

:hug

[dis]

Shannon, I'm so, so sorry. At least Val will take good care of you, but you shouldn't have to go through this. You really shouldn't. :hug :hug :hug

[LisaG]

It's just not fair! :bang

I send you much love and a reminder of the strength you have within you, and the strength that surrounds you, that will carry you through this even when you'd rather die than survive it, even when it seems the most impossible of ordeals. :hug

Lisa

[Milkymommi]

So sorry Mama :( I just noticed this thread and popped in since I feel a kindredness to this clan now unfortunately after my own recent loss. I had so hoped to see good news by the end of the thread... Mama, you are strong even when you feel the weakest. This won't finish you off, I don't know you at all but I feel to tell you that. You are strong and you're gonna make it. Be good to yourself and do something special for you when you regain strength and are ready. :hug Blessings

[annakiss]

Shannon, I'm so sorry... :( :hug

[gristastic]

Shannon, I'm so so sorry.

[ladybugchild77]

I am so sorry for your loss, Shannon. :hug I understand how frustrating it can be when you get misinformation on top of all of the other things that are going through your head. Take care of yourself...

[proudmamanow]

Oh Shannon, sweetie, we are so sorry. Beth & I feel so sad for you & Steve.
:hug :hug :hug :hug :hug

you are an incredible mama and a very strong woman.

[Debstmomy]

I am sorry Shannon, :hugs

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

:hugs Shannon.

I'm sorry you have to go through this again. :crying I'm also sorry you had to deal w/such unsensitive people at the dr.'s office. Take care of yourself, mama. Gentle (((hugs))).

[egoldber]

I'm so sorry. You'd think a fertility clinic would be a little more sensitive, but in my experience they rarely are. :hug

[gabry]

Shannon, I am so sorry you have to go through this, and on top of that deal with a bunch of ignorant insensitive people who really should make it their mission in life - or at least, their jobs - to know better and do better. I have no doubt you'll make it through somehow though. One day at a time (I'm sorry about the cliche..)

[HaveWool~Will Felt]

Shannon,
I am sorry honey. I am just so sorry. Please know that I am thinking about you and your family...holding you close during the days ahead.
Love and Peace to you....

[Threefold]

I'm so sorry. Sending you blessings and peace. :heartbeat

[mama4gals]

Shannon, I'm so sorry. I was really praying things would be okay. I 've lost 4, too. It's so hard. Please know my love and sympathy go out to you. :hug

Liz

[Jes'sBeth]

:bawl :bawl :bawl :bawl
:crying :crying :crying :crying
:hug :hug :hug :hug :hug :hug :hug :hug

I'm so sorry Shannon.

[Kundalini-Mama]

Oh Shannon, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am so sorry for you, for Molly and for your husband. Lots of love to you during this incredibly painful time.

Amy

[KYCat]

Shannon :hug :hug
I'm so sorry and so angry for you. The bullshit that people get put through, even when going through something so overwhelming and difficult is WRONG. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Be gentle with yourself and know that strength is coming at you from all around the country.
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. :crying :hug

[Irishmommy]

:hug

[nora--not a llama]

Much love and hugs and strength to you, momma.
I'm so very sorry.

[shannon0218]

Thanks everyone, just an update, I'm still in hospital, I was put in the ICU last night after hemoraging for hours after the d&c. The internal medicine specialist is guessing it has to do with the virus I also have but basically all my clotting factors were gone and I went into DIC. They got things under control around 3:00 am after 4 units of fresh/frozen plasma and 2 blood transfusions. I am clotting again now which is good since every time I coughed or moved last night I was gushing blood everywhere. Basically I was soaking through 2 extra large post partum pads every 5-10 minutes.
They're keeping me here in the ICU one more night but I should get sent home tomorrow.

I think with what happened I haven't even started to deal with the emotional aspects yet. Last night they managed to keep me from getting scared until they began the blood transfusions and had the OR on standby-that's when I realized how serious things were. All of the staff here have been wonderful and supportive but right now I want to go home and I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

[chiromama]

Thanks for updating Shannon, I've been thinking about you constantly. Sending you much love.

[mama4gals]

Oh Shannon, this is terrible. I am praying for your speedy recovery. :hug :hug

Liz

[Aurora]

:hug Shannon. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[gabry]

Shannon, I am so sorry that your ordeal isn't over yet, but it at least seems to be getting better. Hope things continue to move in the right direction.

[Patti Ann]

:hug Shannon I'm so sorry. Many healing vibes to you.

Patti

[Jacque Savageau]

Shannon, I wish I could come and give you a huge hug :hug I'm so very sorry about all that's happend. right now, you just need to move through this and get healthy. You can deal with the emotional aspects later when your ready.

[shannon0218]

I was released from hospital this morning. My whole body still hurts and my OB told me it probably would for a while, but no more fever and my blood is clotting normally now--actually really no bleeding left at all.
Emotionally I'm numb. I think in the next few weeks I'm going to write a letter to the fertility clinic expressing how angry I was/am over the treatment I received while there. The doctor from the fertility clinic was all pissed that I didn't want him to do the d&c there at the clinic. I asked my doctor what would have happened if I hadn't been in a hospital when this happened, she said it's likely I would have died since they only use a butterfly to administer the aneasthesia and without the large bore catheters I'd have bled out long before they could have replaced the blood I was loosing even with fluids. At one point during the worst of the emergency I had 2 bags of saline running in as fast as they could plus plasma, plus blood--all 4 were needed to keep up with rate I was loosing blood at.

[chiromama]

:hug Shannon. I'm pissed for you! This is a crappy enough situation without having to deal with people who are assholes. :hug I'm thinking of you.

[mama4gals]

Oh Shannon, I really feel for you. Please rest and take it easy. The numbness we feel is what helps us to cope with the early days of a loss. When your body is stronger, your mind will be better able to cope. So take care of yourself, sweetie. I am thinking of you.

Liz

[Mizelenius]

:hug :hug :hug Shannon :hug :hug :hug

I am just so, so, so sorry. :(

I am so thankful you had the strength and courage to follow your instincts. I will be praying for you and your angel.

[mamacatsbaby]

I saw this and couldn't not respond. I am so sorry for your loss mama. My heart is breaking for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please be well on your journey and take good care of yourself. Much love and many blessings to you. :Hug :candle :1praying:

[shannon0218]

Hi everyone. Thanks for all of your support. I'm feeling physically much better, the all over body pain is gone. Had some pretty nasty cramping this morning and then passed a LARGE clot into the toilet and have felt significantly better since. I still have this horrible cough and am still running a fever off and on in spite of 4 different IV antibiotics in hospital (best guess is that infection caused the DIC) and at home I'm taking Z-pack.
Molly is very sick with the same thing I have, she sounds so terrible and looks so confused when she starts to hack. Needless to say, resting has been hard, but it's also kinda nice that she's so cuddly--she's just not normally a cuddly baby.
I'm concerned a bit that I don't feel any of the usual emotions that come with loosing a baby, I mean I've done it enough times before, I'm not even especially sad right now, unless I specifically try to think only about loosing the baby I just really don't feel much of anything at all. I'm not even all that scared about what I went through, there was a better chance of my dying from bleeding out than of my living. Had they taken me back into surgery it's very likely I wouldn't have made it. I just feel like I should be feeling something, anything. Shouldn't it effect you if you come close to dying? I mean my OB is pretty cool and collected and the one thing that does keep coming into my head was the look on her face when she opened the curtain to see them switching out the pads again--she was scared, why the hell wasn't I? I could have left my Molly without a mom and for some reason I just have no real feelings about any of it.

[Quirky]

:hug What a terrible ordeal! :hug

I'm wondering if maybe you're suffering from PTSD from what you've been through - whether you'll feel more when you have a little distance and a little space to heal.

I hope you and baby Molly are much, much better soon....

[shannon0218]

I hadn't considered that, it's certainly possible. I have to meet my OB in emerg tomorrow and have a bunch of blood work repeated, I'll mention it to her, she's pretty supportive emotionally.

[chiromama]

Yeah, Shan, it sounds like you're in a bit of shock. :hug I've been thinking of you a lot. Know that you are well loved. :hug

[AdinaL]

You do sound a little shocky. :hug But this has been going on for a while too. You started adjusting to the idea of losing this baby when your number weren't doubling, you said as much. So it is possible that the long time coming might have allowed you more time to adjust to the idea, or even just to deal with outcomes. As for almost dying, that has to be pretty dang surreal. :hug It would take me some time to adjust to that thought and really realize what had happened. You might have also know that it wasn't your time, and there was nothing to worry about. I have heard of things like that from other people. They just knew it wasn't time, and were totally calm about it all. :hug I dn't know the answer, but I am so glad that you are feeling better and are home, with Molly. :hug

[mama4gals]

Hey Shannon, don't be too hard on yourself. Feelings are feelings,they come and they go. If you don't feel anything now, it may be your body's way of protecting you and helping your recovery. When you're better able to deal with them, the feelings will come. You're in my thoughts.

Liz

[shannon0218]

Well, I had my picc line removed and more blood work done today, everything looks good and it certainly looks like I'm on the road to recovery. I spoke to my doctor about my lack of any feelings. She told me not to be concerned, she thinks I'm still in shock. When I said I didn't think I was even all that scared while it was all happening she kinda laughed and said "No, you weren't, you sorta freaked me out with how calm you were." She feels having Molly changes things too. She pointed out that after the last miscarriage that she was my doctor for that my primary concern was "I will never have a baby" she said now I know I can have a baby and I also have a young baby that requires so much of my time and energy. She said this weekend she had a 31 week still birth and she was so amazed at how well the mom was coping and the mom told her if it weren't for her toddler there was no way she'd be able to cope. So I don't know, part of me thinks it should hurt more because this time I know what I've lost.

[AngelBee]

I'm so sorry. Sending you blessings and peace. :heartbeat
:nod :hug

[mama4gals]

I think there's a lot to that--having other children seems to keep me sane. I just can't lay down and die--these people need me. It's scary how much I am needed. It's funny, my youngest is almost 4, and from the moment she was born, she has marched to the beat of a different drum. I thought I knew something about mothering, and then she came along and humbled me. She has been the most challenging, and yet so sweet and smart. The older girls complain about her because she is "high maintenance", and yet, if it wasn't for her, I don't think I could have made it through these 4 m/c's. She has been my lifeline, what has kept me grounded in the here and now. I also feel that having had so many m/c's, I am kind of prepared for the loss. I hate to say I'm used to it, but it's true. I think if I get pg again and don't miscarry, I'll be really surprised. I'm glad you're doing better physically, Shannon. Keep on keeping on!

Liz

[shannon0218]

It's true, I said before it happened that it doesn't get easier the more you loose, but while it may still be hard, I don't have the option of laying on the couch for 2 weeks this time and maybe a part of me just knows that. And my doc was right--the last miscarriage I was convinced I'd never be a mother. I have a family history of early menopause, then the 3 losses, I had resigned myself to never having a baby.

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

Thanks everyone, just an update, I'm still in hospital, I was put in the ICU last night after hemoraging for hours after the d&c. The internal medicine specialist is guessing it has to do with the virus I also have but basically all my clotting factors were gone and I went into DIC. They got things under control around 3:00 am after 4 units of fresh/frozen plasma and 2 blood transfusions. I am clotting again now which is good since every time I coughed or moved last night I was gushing blood everywhere. Basically I was soaking through 2 extra large post partum pads every 5-10 minutes.
They're keeping me here in the ICU one more night but I should get sent home tomorrow.

I think with what happened I haven't even started to deal with the emotional aspects yet. Last night they managed to keep me from getting scared until they began the blood transfusions and had the OR on standby-that's when I realized how serious things were. All of the staff here have been wonderful and supportive but right now I want to go home and I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

OMG Shannon. :crying DIC is what I had when I lost Reagan. I had 30 units of blood and blood products over 2 surgeries and 3 days. It is fatal in most people. I know you'll understand later (when you are better) how serious it is and how close you came to losing your life too. :( I was right there 6 weeks ago. DIC is scary, scary stuff. I'm so glad you're okay. :hugs

[mamaley]

Shannon, I'm so sorry. :hug

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

Shannon,

I wanted to add that you are very sick and I cannot believe they sent you home. I was in ICU for a week. They didn't even move me (not even to turn me) for 3 days. DIC is not something to mess around with. Do you know your risk of a heart attack and stroke are very high right now? I'm not saying any of this to scare you but I'm really worried about you. I had a fever as well, a cough and I was in shock. My emotions after we found out Reagan was gone were absolutely placid. It took from Mon.-Thurs. of that terrible, awful week for me to actually show any kind of emotion.

Please don't hesitate to get your butt back to the hospital if you get worse. :hugs and prayers going up for you right now.

[shannon0218]

Hi Amy, I didn't realize you had DIC with Reagan :hug Apparently had I had surgery with an incision there was no way I'd be let out. I did agree to going in every other day for blood work and going back if I start to bleed more than a little bit. Molly is so young and I couldnt' stand being away from her--that hurt more than anything else. That and my dh while wonderful, gets a bit flustered and overwelmed about infant care. They kept me pretty still too, at one point they'd actually called for a chopper to fly me to a better equipped hospital but then the plasma seemed to start working and the bleeding was slowing down so they decided keeping me from being jostled was more important. What was the reason for your dic with Reagan? Did you have retained placenta or did your placenta tear? I can't imagine how horrible it would have been going through that :hug

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

All I saw was "DIC" in your post and I started freaking out! I neglected to read the rest of your post so I didn't know there was no incision. I totally understand about not wanting to be away from Molly. :hugs My nurses in ICU were awesome and after I wasn't so critical anymore they let Ross come up and spend time in my room.

How is your bleeding now? Was your hemoglobin back in a normal range when you left the hospital? I'm glad you'll be going in for regular blood draws. Just keep a close eye on yourself! I'm glad they didn't have to fly you out. They told my family at one point they might have to do that but when they finally realized the gravity of the situation they decided the chopper ride would've killed me.

My placenta abrupted w/Reagan and that caused the DIC. It abrupted in the center so I had no warning. No vaginal bleeding or anything, but intense, agonizing back pain and then labor. I basically was bleeding to death at home while I tried to breathe (yeah right...there is no breathing through anything when your placenta tears in half) through the pain.

Anyway, please take care of yourself!! Do you have any help at home so you can rest as much as possible? Big :hugs to you and keep us updated.

[shannon0218]

Oh man, I can't imagine doing that at home. Yes my hemoglobin was almost normal when I left the hospital (just one or two points away from normal) My iron is still quite low, I've started to take a supplement now, at first my whole body hurt so bad I couldn't handle the thought of puking from the iron supplement (I had a picc line in because of severe morning sickness--thank god, with my veins we'd have been in big trouble without that picc line) now that I'm not so sore I've started an iron supplement. Still tired and weak though, when I left the hospital yesterday I thought I was feeling fine to run into the grocery store and pick up coffee cream and bread--well by the time I got back out to my truck I was exhausted, I spent most of the rest of the day sacked out on the couch.
The ICU nurses were great with us too, they let Molly come in even though they weren't supposed to. I do remember when my doc finally went home for the night (around 4 am) I asked her if I could go home the next day. She just shook her head and said "Damn Shannon, a few hours ago I really thought you were going to die"
Now she's saying that had they taken me back into surgery--which they were going to do it was all set--she was convinced for that much bleeding that she'd perferated my uterus when I'd been coughing during the d&c, that first I would still be in hospital, but also that she's fairly sure surgery would have been fatal.

As for help, dh is taking a couple weeks off work as stress leave "my wife almost died, I'm a little shook up" so hopefully that will give me enough time to heal up.

How are you doing with yours? Are you feeling your strength come back yet? how are you coping emotionally? How did the walk go yesterday?

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

:hugs

You've been through a lot, mama. :hugs I'm glad you're starting to get better. Don't push yourself though! You need some rest so I'm glad your DH is able to stay home w/you. Let him do as much as possible. As for your exhaustion, that lasted 3-4 weeks for me. Was your iron low before you received blood?

We're doing okay here. I feel pretty much back to normal physically. Just taking one day at a time. Evenings are very hard for me emotionally especially when DH is working (he works 24 hr. shifts/48 off), but I have lots of friends nearby (and family) and friends here that get me through those tough times.

The Walk to Remember was wonderful. It was a really, really neat experience and something we'll participate in year after year. It was very emotional (that was no surprise), but it gave us hope. Some of the families that had had loss(es) had healthy, living children at the walk.

Take care, Shannon! Be gentle w/yourself and don't try to do too much (easier said than done when you have a 9 mo. old running around!). :hugs

[coleslaw]

Shannon, Oh honey! I just came back from vacation so I missed everything that happened until now. I am so so sorry. I have so much to say, but I can't organize my thoughts right now. Just know that I am thinking of you and am giving you the biggest hug in my heart. If you find the shock is wearing off and you need someone to listen to you scream, I would be honored if you called me. I'm going through some similiar emotions concerning whether I should get pg again - for different reasons, but still confusing sad emotions. Let me know and I'll PM you my phone number. :hug

I for one am so happy you are still here. I'm sure Molly, your dh and doggies are too.

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

:hugs

How'd your blood work turn out today?

[shannon0218]

Thanks Keri :hug
I had a rough day today, we had to go into dh's doctor so he could get forms filled out for stress leave. I went along so that I could provide any information on me and also to give permission for him to access my records at the hospital in case he needed proof of what happened.
I thought I was doing fine, we were prepared to possibly have to fight a bit for the doctor to fill in the paperwork (my OB told us to call her if we had a problem and she'd find someone to do it) He started going on and on about how often DIC is fatal and how very lucky I am to be alive. Then he started saying about how he loves our little hospital and all but it's not the place to go into DIC, blah, blah, blah. Actually our little hospital could NOT have handled it all better. I was an absolute priority for that entire hospital that night, I had 3 ER nurses by my side until I was transfered to the ICU where I had a 2 ICU nurses by my side until I had officially stabilized. My OB never left, she wasn't with other patients, the only thing she left my side for was to speak to the internal medicine specialist every 20 minutes or so to make sure she was doing everything right. They had enough of my B- blood and blood products on hand (they did order more from the larger hospital but I didn't need the extra) There was talk of transferring me to a larger hospital but it was decided it was more important to keep me absolutely still. They kept me calm. They allowed and encouraged my mother to stay right by my side, never kicking her out while they were changing pads, they even let her stay in the x-ray room with me (chest x-ray to ensure I hadnt' started to bleed into my chest) I was kept 100% informed of absolutely every process, as was my mom. I found I got really angry at him. Especially when he started going on about how my OB better refer me to someone from MacMaster Hospital before we try to get pregnant again. I was so mad but all I could muster the energy to say was "Val is very much capable of handling this and will refer me to whomever she feels is appropriate"

I knew the fallout of the conversation was going to be dh panicing and saying he didn't realize how serious things were. I feel badly, at one point my mom did ask me if I wanted my father to go pick up Steve and Molly. I said no, all the blood would just freak Steve out and he had to keep things normal for Molly. It was a decision I made at the time that frankly I don't regret now, but find myself attempting to defend. There was a point when things were serious that it was mentioned to me that we better get Steve back to the hospital, but like 10 minutes later I turned the corner and started to clot again.

I feel badly for dh. He feels I treated him like a child and in a way I did. I have to go back in tomorrow for an U/S as now I have obvious blood in my urine. She wants to rule out that maybe a nasty bladder or kidney infection caused the DIC in the first place. I think we're just grasping at straws and I'm tired of being poked.

[shannon0218]

Sorry Amy, we cross posted. All coag factors are within normal range, Hemoglobin was at 118, still a tad low for me but safe. My iron is still very low as is my blood pressure. She was hoping my hemoglobin would be higher today and that is why the U/S is scheduled for tomorrow.

[chiromama]

Shannon, I'm so sorry you had to go through this horrendous situation. I'm thinking of you everyday, and hoping you are feeling better. Much love my friend!

[Mom4tot]

(((Shannon)))


I am just seeing this today. I am so sorry. I will be thinking of you. All of the kind words and support you are getting here is making my heart swell.

:hug's to all of you mama's :heartbeat

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

:hugs Shannon. I'm so worried about you! I'm praying for you to turn the corner and start getting better very soon! (((HUGS))) to you, your DH, and Molly.

[annakiss]

Shannon, I missed what happened after the d&c and just wanted to offer some :hugs Please take it easy!

[shannon0218]

Thanks everyone, dh is still not speaking to me, he layed down with Molly at 8:00 and just never came back out. I'm going to sleep on the couch, at least all the animals still want to be around me.

I'm hoping I can do it, but on the 15th I really want to go to our little memorial spot we have for all our lost babies. Problem is that it's a good 2 miles in and another 2 out. Right now I get winded if I need to chase Molly across the living room.

[coleslaw]

:hug I apologize for still not having the mindframe to organize my thoughts to write something more, but just letting you know that I will be thinking of you often. I hope your dh and you talk things out and get to a good place soon.

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

Are things any better today, Shannon? :hugs I didn't sleep well last night and I kept thinking about you guys. I hope you're starting to feel a little stronger each minute. :hugs

[LizaBear]

(( shannon ))

I couldn't read your story here without leaving some response. I hope you start to regain your strength - physically and emotionally - soon.

[shannon0218]

Nope, he's still not talking. I slept on the couch until 11:00, I leave shortly for my new poking and proding. I'm tired, but I'm guessing the emotional aspect of being shut out by my husband and by default my dd is playing a huge role in that.

[Velvet005]

:hug I am sorry you are going through such difficult times.

[coleslaw]

Nope, he's still not talking. I slept on the couch until 11:00, I leave shortly for my new poking and proding. I'm tired, but I'm guessing the emotional aspect of being shut out by my husband and by default my dd is playing a huge role in that.


Good luck with the poking and prodding part. How incredibly draining for you to have to deal with this additional emotional burden. Is there anyone who will talk to him for you? Just until he gets through whatever it is that he is going through? Ugh! So hard!

[dis]

Oh Shannon, I just want to give you a hug. And grrrrrrrrrrr to your husband's doctor; if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that Val would refer you the moment she felt she couldn't handle your care.

Your husband probably needs some time time to process - which sucks, because you need his support. It's such an awful situation for both of you. You're in my thoughts.

[coleslaw]

Shannon, How did everything go? How are things with your dh? I'm thinking of you. :hug

[wheezie]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for everything else you're going through. :( :hug

[shannon0218]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to update you all. Things have gone from bad to worse. I've typed it all out here: http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=358503
I'd love some opinions from others who've experienced the loss aspect of all this. Am I so angry (it's all consuming right now) as a result of my loss, or do I have every right to be this mad?

[butterfly_mom]

My thoughts are with you and your little precious one.

-Liz