Feeling guilty about birth choices

[mrzmeg]

I am having some issues with my son's birth; namely, I feel guilty about choices I made during labor. I was under the care of a wonderful CNM and planning a homebirth. I went into preterm labor back in July and had pretty regular contractions for the rest of my pregnancy (at the worst, they felt like early labor would feel). My CNM told me that DS would probably arrive in August. My due-date was September 13 (determined by dates of +test, last period, when I felt first kicks, gestational size, etc). I did not go into real labor until the morning of October 3.
I had only slept about six hours in the previous two days, so I went into the whole thing exhausted. I saw my MW that morning and was 2cm dialated; after a long day of what I thought were pretty powerful contractions, at 8pm, I was only about a 2 1/2. To make a long story short, I decided around midnight that I wanted to go to the hospital for pain medication. I was 4cm at 1am, received a dose of nubain (and they figured out I was dehydrated), growled for another dose at 3am (which didn't affect me), and DS was born at 5:02. He didn't leave my arms until he was four hours old and never left our room. We went home when he was 13 hrs old.
I have a wonderful, happy baby and know that I should not be bothered by my birth. But I am. I feel bad for not toughing it out. I feel bad for giving my baby medication and having him come into the world in a medicalized setting. I don't know what I'm asking...I guess that I just feel a need to "come out". I find myself wanting another baby just to have a birth I could really be proud of. When I read the great, peaceful birthstories of Mothering mamas here, I feel like I could cry. When I realize that many of them were in labor much, much longer than I was and never decided to have drugs, I feel awful.
Guess I just needed to write this. Thanks for reading it.

[Lucky Charm]

I know what its like to have a disappointing birth experience. my first 2 were awful, and i almost felt reborn after my third childs birth, as it was wonderful and healing at the same time. However, guilt is a useless emotion here, you are beating yourself up for choices that you made during a difficult labor. pitocin is a tough drug, i have had it and can tell you that going without medication is hard, too hard for me and i had an epidural.
this being said, do not feel that you have to justify nor validate your choices. disappointment is one thing, but to feel that you need to defend yourself, your choices and your birth makes things worse. no matter what we want to do, no matter the detail of our birth plan, no matter if you wanted to give birth at home in a tub, all of us mothers, even the medicalized & technologized want one thing... a healthy baby, and you have that. the most important thing is that you and your baby are healthy and that all was well in the end. no one gets a medal or badge of honor for an unmedicated birth, the real prize is a healthy baby!!

next time will be different, because you are different. you know what to expect, your body usually does things different the second time around, and hopefully things will work out the way you want it to. your first birthing experience is a powerful one, often coloring our feelings about the whole process for a lifetime. use these feelings in a good way, to have the birth of your dreams.

i really hope you get what you want next time, for me it was the turning point in my life a moment i will never forget, changing me forever, and i hope the same for you.



:hippie

[pioneermama]

mrzmeg,

Be gentle on yourself. We often do not know how we will be when the time comes to birth especially when we are feeling exhausted. You made choices that seemed right to you at the time that you made them. The birth that you wanted for you and your son did not happen and it is important, very important, to honor the feelings that come with that. Often people will say, "your ds, dd is healthy, forget the birth", but I don't think this is helpful. I say feel it, cry for the loss of the dream birth that you hoped for. It's okay to cry for that, it really is.

Blessings to you,

Pioneermama

[mrzmeg]

Thank you for the kind responses.
I realized that I made a major mistake in my post that changes the meaning of it entirely--I had Nubain, not pitocin. Sorry about that.
I am trying to deal with this now and have a lot of support from DH. Our families aren't as understanding (they have a "told you so" attitude), so that may be why this is really bothering me now, at holiday time. I think it is harder since it was my choice to go against my own beliefs regarding birth.
I just really needed to talk about this here, since the wonderful discussions here were what really got me to want to homebirth.

[lilyka]

I think under the circumstances you did wonderfully. My first birth was horrible. I felt awful about it for the longest time and was terrified when I got pregnant again because I was scared of another horrible birth expeiance.

I can understand your feelings. You should not feel guilty though. You didn't do anything wrong. You did your best. We just don't always have the control over these things that we envision. Especially with a preterm birth our children often set the tone for the birth in a way we wouldn't have chosen (:) been there :) )You do however have every right to feel dissapointed, cheated and unhappy with your birth experiance. Some things that helped me deal with mine are the birth art in the book Birthing From Within. I am the furthest thing from an artist but I was surprised by how much my art work revealed to me and helped me heal. Another thing I found that was helpful was making a list of at least 10 good thing about my birth (NOT including a healthy baby). Despite how horrible it was it was a learning experiance and helped make my next two births wonderful.

[gurumama]

mrzmeg,

I want to understand this: you had 2 shots of Nubain for your first birth?

Good for you! I mean that very sincerely. The fact that you labored and delivered vaginally WITHOUT Pit or an epidural (and of course w/o a c-section) is wonderful! With my first, I had a half-shot of Nubain, full Pitocin, begged for an epidural, got it, and they tried to do an internal monitor and vacuum extractor but I pushed the baby out first!

I too wanted a natural birth, and I beat myself up for a long time that I'd "caved in" on the Nubain and the epidural. But my CNMs for my second birth (I had OBs the first time) put it in perspective for me. Here's the nuts and bolts of what they said:

1. Nowadays, the fact that I didn't get a c-section was fortunate. Many first-time mothers have long, unpredictable labors and OBs don't like to just sit around and wait.
2. First births are a great unknown. You can prepare but until you've been through it, you have no basis for comparison and cannot judge how you'll handle it.
3. A "typical" first-time birth (in a hospital) involves continuous fetal monitoring (limiting the mother's movement), a shot or two of drugs, Pitocin, an epidural, an internal fetal monitor, and a vacuum extractor.

Having my second son was a huge breakthrough for me--I did it without drugs, no epidural--and I did in in a hospital setting. I beat myself up about the first birth, BUT used what I did not like to help tailor a new path for the second.

Praise yourself for what you've accomplished and keep in mind that NO TWO LABORS ARE ALIKE--even if you're comparing two of your own labors.

Good luck,

Mel

[rubym]

Mrzmeg,
that is so weird, you really just told my birth story almost exactly. Went in to labor very unrested, labored for 20 hours to be told I was at 2 cm, decided to go to the hospital at midnight, got a shot to help me sleep...and so on.
anyway it turned out to be a great birth in the end(like yours did too), but I still feel bad about it quite often.
I also feel bad when I read wonderful, homebirth stories.
Just try to remember that no birth is a failure. And birth is unpredictable. No matter how much you plan and educate yourself, you dont know how your body is going to work or how you will deal with the intensity of labor.

I hope you can find peace with your birth experience. it may take some time.

[applejuice]

Mrzmeg:

Don't feel bad.

I felt bad after my 1st birth and that was at home! I needed help, but what woman doesn't before/during/after her first birth? I was in labor 27-1/2 hours. I was startled by how extremely painful it is!

I thought a 2nd baby would make it all right. Early in my second pregnancy, I pulled a muscle in my left hip and had excruciating pain during the entire pregnancy. I had a lowgrade cold and cough and sciatica to boot. My baby was huge and I had polyhydramnios. I had a toddler to chase around and nursed her also. Ouch!

He was born two weeks early after a nine hour labor - posterior with a deflexed head. He is nineteen years old now and still sleeps with his head tipped backward.

The main idea here is that you may not get the birth you read about, but you can adjust your perception of it as time goes on.

My third birth was a dream birth. Easy does it! I really don't know why it was so easy, but looking back, each birth has its own merits and lessons of life to learn and teach.

[jjdoula]

Oh hon! I am praying you come to a point where you can embrace your birth experience for what it was,,a miracle!

As a doula, I work really hard to help my clients plan for the birth they want, but be realistic in the possibility for going with plan b or c or d. I know each time I birthed myself, I had this vision for how it would be,,I think the first time was the biggest reality check! Not a thing went the way I had imagined,,by my 4th birth I had finally come to a place that despite the fact I had to be induced ( my water broke at 36 weeks and after 3 days labor hadn't started), spent 3 days being monitored in the hospital ( the plan was to labor until the last moment then transport) I could go on,,,but I still felt totally in control of my decisions,,I was confident, and welcomed a beautiful tiny baby,,which was the point.

I always help my clients prepare with this in mind,,different women have different labors,,,a few women get a small foothill to climb..some people have something more challenging but possible such as Longs Peak ( a 14.000 ft mtn in Colorado) and then some women, for a variety of reasons get Mount Everest. Now there are a few people who genetically are created to be able to withstand the impossible conditions climbing to that elevation and through those conditions without special equipment such as oxygen..but we think no less of those amazing people who make it to the summit with the equipment..they still are heros, who have completed amazing feats..

with this analogy in mind, I ALWAYS have my clients visualize the birth they want, but to know that until it begins, you won't know what birth mountain you will get. Even my clients who are determined to have a completely natural birth I help to gather information and knowledge about the "tools" that may be something they consider if the mountain isn't the one they had planned on. By doing this, they aren't caught off guard, and still are in control of their birth experience, no matter what.

You did great! You had an amazing birth! You used a tool in a conservative manner, and it got you to the top of your mountain. You have a beautiful baby!

Blessings
Staci

[zinemama]

jjdoula, I was so impressed with your response! You are a wise woman, and your clients must love you!

[sevenkids]

jjdoula, you said what I was thinking! I am a doula, studying to be a homebirth midwife, had 6 homebirths of my own, and one hospital birth(my youngest). I know how attached women can become to having a homebirth, and also how disappointing it is, for whatever reason, to end up in the hospital. I firmly believe that in most instances, a natural, unmedicated birth is best, but sometimes, and in your case, mrzmeg, this is one of them, mama does need help! Just that little bit of rest gave you the fortitude and strength you needed to birth your baby. I know what it's like to labor in a state of exhaustion, and it's not fun....it's not beautiful.... and it's not empowering in the least!
My 5th homebirth was such a birth....I was exhausted, sick, swollen, overdue, had a big 9+ pound baby who was face up and forehead presenting. I kinda went into it with a cocky, I Can Do Anything attitude, with 4 very short, easy births under my belt. Was I in for a surprise! Labored long and hard to get him out......hospital was not even an option for me, the closest hospital was over an hour's drive away, and there wasn't much the midwives there would have been able to do, being a country hospital in Jamaica. I wish I had the option of pain relief for that one! I begged the midwife to go away and come back tomorrow! I'll do it tomorrow, I promise, Just LET ME SLEEP! After the birth, I slept for three days straight, my mom had to put the baby to my breast, as I was only semi-conscious and I was unable to hold him. The local doctor and my midwife came to see me every day for a week.
I went in to my 6th pregnancy with a sense of dread, I just knew it was going to be hard! But that baby popped out with nary a twinge of pain, 20 minute labor from start to finish, the midwife almost didn't make it! Her head was out when the midwife arrived! (There's a lesson there, somewhere!)
So, no labor goes according to a script, and each time, you have different needs. I think you did an excellent job of listening to your body and determining what you needed most at that time, which was a little bit of rest! I have seen mamas labor long and hard with no progress, and as soon as they got a little pain relief, have their babies within the hour.
The tools modern medicine have created are so often abused, we can easily forget that sometimes, they really do have their time and place.

Congratulations on your wonderful new baby! Many blessings your way.

[mrzmeg]

I just wanted to say, thank you all so much for the supportive responses. They have really made me feel better about everything and I ams lowly working towards fully embracing my birth.
Thank you!

Melanie

[Envision]

I just wanted to share some support and also agree with one of the above poster that said that you learn and get something from each birth...

With my first we used a hospital. The labour was so easy that at 7cm I thought they were going to tell me that I could go home with some tylenol...then got checked and realized that we were really having this baby!! The labour was very text book till the last 15 minutes where the situation got out of control and became tramatic for me...
That baby ended up having a CHD and was transported to another hospital hours after her birth.
I was fortunate to have such a great labour to be able to go and be with my baby after she was transfered.

We had our second at home which was painful and hard. I got through the labour and was fine after but there are still things that I didn't like and because I didn't know about them, didn't prepare myself or others for what I needed.
I had afterpains while nursing so severe that it felt like the labour pains I had just gone through...yuck...
The assisting midwife said "oh, that is a good kind of pain because you are doing something good for your baby.."
That was not the support I needed...and I still get a bit agitated about it...
There were other things too but it was after the baby was born...

I just wanted to share that because I have had both experiences and now looking back I can see that I had the perfect birth for both my babies.
With #1 I needed to be rested and alert...I was.
With #2 I needed to feel drained to appreciate the true miracle I had lying in my arms...(there were some issues with the baby being a boy)
The other not so great things, I take as learning experiences that I can share with others in hopes of allowing them to not have to experience those same things...
I talked with my midwife alot about the trauma that I experienced with dd#1 and I don't have those same fears or tramatic feelings anymore...so you might want to look into talking to someone who deals with helping with unplanned birth experiences.

Enjoy your baby and just let your feelings be what they need to be...in all things there is growing and changing...that is one of the gifts of being human.

Hugs,
Oils :flower