Experienced the Envy

[pjabslenz]

Well, yesterday it happened. I found out a friend of mine is expecting her 3rd baby and she's 8 weeks pregnant. I was expecting our 3rd and was 8w 4d when I lost our baby, in August. I am excited for my friend(She conceived twins through ivf and was told she'd never be able to have any more....that's a miracle in itself.) but never expected to feel the envy & anger. This is all new to me.

I have 4 friends who were all pregnant the same time as me. Three of us, all found out within days/weeks of each other. It was very exciting to know we'd go through this together. After the loss, I never felt envious that they were still pregnant and I wasn't. I've rationalized this as they were pregnant with me. My friend's pregnancy is the first one I've learned about since having my mc. I guess that's what makes it so hard for me.

I am working through these feelings & had a good cry with dh last night. It's my 2nd good cry this week(progess for me). I'm finally able to work through my emotions with dh, as he has a better understanding of why our loss is so painful for me.

Thanks for listening.

Janetann
Aidan 7/25/99
Adison 7/21/03
^i^ 8/4/05

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

:hugs

I just posted about something similar to what you're feeling. Sometimes the envy hurts worse than anything else. Gentle (((hugs))) to you.

[egoldber]

My friend's pregnancy is the first one I've learned about since having my mc. I guess that's what makes it so hard for me.

There are all kinds of "firsts". They are different for everyone. Everyone grieves differently and you are entitled to feel what you feel.

Have you read "A Silent Sorrow" or "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart"? I think you will find comfort in reading them and discovering that what you feel is very normal. :hug

[pjabslenz]

Thanks for your support. I am reading Empty Cradle, Broken Heart and have found the book incredibly helpful, not only for me but for my dh. He's finally able to understand that he can't expect me to be okay overnight, grief can't be placed on a timeline and the grief wave can hit anytime or anyplace. I've made leaps and bounds this weekend with finally verbalizing how I was feeling. Experiencing the envy really took me to another level of the mourning process because I realized that I am angry I'm not pregnant and that was eating me up inside. Getting it out helped tremendously. I know I still have more to purge and that will happen with time but I have cried all weekend and feel like I've made so much progress.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I've found such comfort with reading the experiences & support of everyone.

Janetann
Aidan 7/25/99
Adison 7/21/03
^i^ 8/4/05