Panicky about returning to work

[gabry]

I know this sounds crazy to even be thinking about, but I can't help it. Today I'm losing another baby - I've known about it a week or so - and though sad, I'm oddly calm, detached almost.
I almost panick at the thought of going back to work though. It seems all I want to do is grieve, be with my ds and obsess about ttc again. My co-workers are kind and supportive, but one colleague's wife is expecting on my first due date (the loss in June), and then there are lots of patients to see, who of course don't know about my m/c, and shouldn't. But I don't want to see infants getting formula cause mom thinks bf'ing is gross, teenage girls with undesired pregnancies, 2 year olds getting threatened with a spanking, 5 year olds who can't talk because no one talks to them, any of it! I'm afraid I might lose control, either by getting angry at the patient/parent, or by crying/having to leave the room, neither one of which is helpful to anyone.
I know it is not up to me to judge who is 'worthy' or 'deserving' of having/raising children, but I can't help but feel resentful and angry, and that it is all totally unfair.
Sorry for the rant, but I know this is the place where I feel most understood. Thanks for reading.

[Jacque Savageau]

Gabry, your feelings are totally understandable. Of course your feeling more open and raw right now.

Sometimes the build up to a day like this (going back to work) can be harder than the actual day. Do make sure to take care of yourself. Get the rest you need and give yourself permission to go into a bathroom for a little cry if you need too.

If you can, ask someone to handle situations that are most difficult to you.

Again, take good care of yourself, spend as much time with your ds as you can and lean on your partner for help around the house.

I wish you the best as you move through this.

[mimi_n_tre]

Exactly how I feel. It's been 3 weeks and 2 days since Jase was delivered and have been back to work for the last week and a half. We went to the mall yesterday to get some new shirts for me, since I threw all of my old ones away because they wouldn't fit over my pregnant belly, little did I know. So we went to into a store and a six or seven month pregnant girl was in the store and had the odasity? to say " Oh this is such a cute shirt. Too bad I'm pregnant." That f*****g B*****. How dare she. The only thing I think of any more is how I wish I still didn't know that Jase was a boy, and she's upset that she can't wear a cute shirt because she is pregnant. I seriously wanted to go up to her and slap her, possibly more. People can be so screwed up, I can't say I was perfect, but I wish in a way that everyone who has every been pregnant, and wanted or unwanted, would know how bad it hurts when your little one isn't there anymore.

Love Mary

[egoldber]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine. :hug

But I want to share a story about one of Leah's NICU nurses that cared for her. She too had lost a baby. She was actually pregnant at the time, but she told me that she had asked to take care of Leah that night because she hoped that she might be able to talk to me and help me. (At this point, it was clear that Leah had no brain function and we were making preparations to take her off the ventilator.) She sat with me that night (night shift obviously), and we talked and cried together. I asked her how she could possibly work in the NICU after losing a child, and she said that at first it was very hard, but that after awhile it brought her strength and healing.

Anyway, I know you are not in that place now, but at some point you may be able to help another mama. I hope that your job will eventually help to bring you healing as that nurse's job did for her.

[gabry]

Thanks for your encouragement Ms. mom and egoldber, and for commiserating mimi.
That was a beautiful story about the nurse who talked to you about your daughter and her own child. I did actually find, a while after my first m/c, that I felt more compassionate towards people. Not just if they had lost a child/pregnancy, but any kind of loss or suffering they went through. So, I guess some good can come out of things like this, somehow or other..

[taradt]

:hug nothing to add but didn't want to read without acknowledging.

Give yourself the space to heal and cry if need be

tara