Little to no involvement with our daughter...

[goosysmom]

Our little girl is 17 months old and is his second..His first will be 6 this December and is very demanding of him so he spends 80% of his time with her doing things with her, taking her to activities he's set up with her so they can spend time together...(we have her 5 days a week).....The other 20% he spends on his hobbies...It's hard enough to get him to turn away from whatever he is doing without hearing in a minute which means 99% of the time an hour so I get frustrated and say nevermind...she needed changed asap or I had to shower or.......anything...It's like pulling teeth to get him to spend more than 10 minutes with her and even then he doesn't play with her like he did with the older one (I met him when she was our daughters age)...He will sit on the family room floor playing playstation and get annoyed bc our daughter yanks on the cord or wants to push the buttons...I mean, hey, you're 33 years old...grow up a bit and not play games and such all day....spend some time with your daughters but not just the one....He's missing out on sooo much...

We would go swimming this summer and she loves the water and kicked and giggled the entire time and he missed most of it bc he wouldn't leave his other daughters side (who knows how to swim)....We go to the park and he will wave at her in the swing but he won't swing her but will spend the time swinging the 6 year old...the list goes on and on..I have tried talking to him about it but it just goes in circles....I am at the end of the rope...I would love to have another child but if this is how he is with this one how can I subject another child to that kind of indifference....

It breaks my heart when we go to my mother's to visit (they get along great), leaves to do some things and when he gets back and comes and sits on the sofa our girly jumps off my lap or stops what she's doing and runs over to him and tries to crawl up into his lap and he just looks at her and says "hi baby" likes she's not even his....I don't know why he's so detached from her but it's not fair nor is it right...She's a kissy, gently, people loving little girl (never had the stranger fear....knock on wood...yet) and will wave and blow kisses to everyone...except to him....no kisses...When she kisses she goes "Mmmmeh" so whenever we want one we just go "Grace, mmmeh??" and she leans in and kisses ya and giggles...When he says it and leans in, she turns away...It's sad...

It's slowly becoming a house where it's her and I and then him and his first (his first and I get along wonderfully...and she loves her sister..and they play well together..most of the time...but there is that age difference so...it's hard sometimes...but that's normal...

Any suggestions?? Advice??? Thanks so much for listening to the rant....

Gianna

[Greenie]

It's not something that you can force, but it seems unfair to prefer one child to another. The baby didn't ask to be born, but she does need a loving family who treat her equally. If he is uninterested in playing with her, and being with her, maybe talk to him. He might not realise that he does it as much as he does.

I hope things get better, and good luck!

[goosysmom]

Thanks Carrie,
I too believe that it's unfair to give your attention fully to one child over the other...Our DD was planned and very much wanted...It's not something he just went along with and it's just not right the way he treats her now..so casually...I have spoken to him on many occasions, calmly and in writing letting him know how he doesn't do things with her..not just play but bathe, read too..take to the park when he takes my SD...he goes to the park with her around 730 am every saturday knowing full well DD doesn't usually get up until 830/9 and he doesn't want to wait until then but I am not waking her up early..When we have all gone to the park it's me and her and him and SD and that's seemingly how he prefers it...SO it just isn't uninterested in playing with her...it's uninterested alot.....

I just don't know how to rephrase it anymore....there are only so many ways you can say the same thing...

Hopefully it will get better soon....Indifference just isn't right...I don't know how else to say it...selfish maybe??? We will see....

Thanks :)

Gianna

[tootpapa]

I wonder if there is some underlying feelings he is not dealing with. Maybe the birth of a new child caused some reaction in him, like about his life changing, getting older, etc. Maybe he is worried about your new child 'threatening' or disrupting his bond with the older one, kind of cutting in on what they have already. Maybe he is worried he can't handle all of the responsibility. These responses are not rational but feelings often are not. These are just guesses but it does sound like there could be feelings he is not looking at and perhaps even not aware of. Not being conscious of feelings can make them really hard to deal with because when asked about them a person will often reply "nothing is wrong, why do you ask?" or something like that. It is even more difficult if he is not the kind of person used to being introspective about and discussing feelings. Maybe he is. I think everyone (who is willing to look into themselves and think about these things) has their own process of figuring things out, but playing video games sounds like classic avoidance behavior, a way to zone out and not deal with the present. Maybe you can find a way within the context of your relationship to ask him about this. Hope this helps

[goosysmom]

Thanks Papa..

What you say makes sooooo much sense....and it's what I have thought too...It's just a matter of getting him to talk bc he is missing soooo much...He used to be introspective and discussed but hasn't been that way for some time now....I just PM'd ya... :) Yes, it helps

Gianna

[gratefulbambina]

I was thinking that maybe he is afraid of hurting his first childs feelings since that happens alot in these cases so he is instead hurting his 2nd child. It seems that your child is already catching on to that & soon she'll be asking him what is up :(

How about a date at the park with only the 3 of you when the SD is at her moms?

I hope it gets better soon :hug

[CABsMommy]

maybe it's reverse pp depression...is that even possible :shrug??? sorry Gianna...you've been so helpful to me and i wish i had some advice for you but i dont understand the male mind. you have my support and i hope it eventually works out :hug