Is it too late to change care? Advice needed!!

[starparticle]

Okay - here is my situation.

I'm 32 weeks now - and I'm considering dropping my M/W. Some background: Last June my daughter Luna died at birth. She was a c-section because we knew she had some fetal distress related to her spine, and vaginal delivery would be risky for her case (sort of like a baby with spina bifida).

I would love to have a homebirth VBAC this time around, and have done all my homework, reading studies, therapy, hyponobirthing, ICAN meetings...I feel very well prepared and excited for the birth.

The problem is that there is only 1 (yes, 1) liscensed M/W in my area who will do an HBAC. Many of my IRL friends sent me to her, with lots of great recommendations. I've always been sort of resentful that I have only her to choose from, but I liked her well enough and just went for it.

The problems I'm having now are 1) I don't feel as though she is "taking care" of me. I've never been able to call her or confide in her my fears about the birth...she has a very cold demeanor when it comes to that area. She is making me feel like my fears are silly. I've even had some bouts with pre-term labor that I have never bothered to tell her about because I'm just not comfortable. 2) She has a new assistant that I really don't like. I know I can have a conversation with the M/W about her, but I'm dreading that conversation, although I'm very willing to have it. It is just another thing that I feel like I am a "burden" client.

Anyways, I feel like she is my only chance to have the birth I want and I don't have any choices but to stick with her. My other options are:

1) A CNM team that does VBACs at the hospital
2) A lay midwife (who I have yet to find...)
3) An UC (I don't think I'm ready for that...although I wish!!)


The thing is, I do feel like I trust my M/W as far as the birth is concerned, I just don't feel as though I am being emotionally supported. I know that I'm "high needs" but I've only had 5 visits this entire pregnancy, and I've had to arrange all my ultrasounds and testing. She has never once asked how I was doing emotionally :( Considering that I'm not only a VBAC but that my first and only child died at birth I just need more support than that...*sigh*

Anyways, what to do??! Part of me wants to trust my intuition and find someone else, the other "good girl" part of me just wants to smile and get through...

Thanks for any help, and for reading this far :o

[rapscallions]

what about finding a super-supportive doula? that way you'll get this midwife's expertise but a gentle, caring, warm demeanor from another woman?

i used to teach natural birth classes and always recommended last minute changes but usually because the couple felt like their birth choices were going to be compromised. in this case, and in my opinion only, i think maybe the emotional support you definitely need and deserve would be pretty tough to establish with a midwife or OB at this late date. a doula should have a bit more time to spend, talk, etc. is there anyone from the ICAN community you would trust and feel good about having at your birth?

maybe a doula and a new team however? that way you have that much more on your side??? it is a tough place to be and i am so sorry you have to be worrying about this so late in the game. so glad you feel well prepared otherwise. :heartbeat and :hug to you!

[xmasbaby7]

Wow! Sending a hug and a pat on the hand your way.

I think your inner voice/intuition is, frankly, trying to protect you. I would do one thing to be sure: quickly interview the CNMs and any laymidwives you can.

Does anyone else instill more confidence and connection with you? If so, then it is your first MW, and you should change. As much as you want a HB, I think you would probably be happier with a successful VBAC with someone you connected with, no?

If not, then it is more about you and your own worries that are making you second guess your practitioner. If that is the case, think of how you could address your feelings with her in a way that is not confrontational. Something like "I think I have some slightly more intense emotional fears given my first birth, and I think I need to feel really supported to have this birth go well. How can we open up that connection more now that I am getting so close to labor?"


Good luck. keep us posted!

[StarCat]

I think at the very least you should go and interview the CNM's who will VBAC at the hospital. You deserve to have both a wonderful birth AND a birth team who you feel comfortable with supports all of your needs. If you don't connect with the CNM's and nothing else pans out then maybe a good doula as previously mentioned can help to support you. I know that you really want a homebirth, but maybe if you think about what you really want it might come down to having that caring support team, whether in a hospital or at home. Only you would be able to answer that question. What a hard position for you to be in after all you have been through. :hug I hope all works out so that you and your baby have a perfect and peaceful birth.

[DesireeH]

:hug

I am sorry mama that you are not feeling more supported! I would look around too if you are at all uncomfortable with your current midwife and try to find a new one. Can you contact the Seattle Midwifery School and see if they know of any other licensed midwives in your area? When I went to doula school there, there was a couple of local licensed midwives that came to talk to us but unfortunately I dont remember their names!

[girrllie]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm also planning a VBAC but did not have my first baby die. *Of course* you want someone you connect with and who will listen to you. I have really found a lot of support from my doula. She's just so understanding and caring and really listens. I've found that many times once I've spoken with her then I don't really feel the ned to speak to my mw. I actually picked a mw who had the experience I wanted rather than the personality this time, but I'm in a different situation. I always say go with your intuition!

Is it possible to look around and visit with a CNM team before making a decision? You could see how you feel about them and if you feel a lot better then you could switch. And if not, then you could look for a lay mw or look for a doula you really feel supported by. It's never too late to change. I've had friends who changed providers at 36 weeks and 38 weeks. You just do what you have to do, kwim?

[Spark]

:hug Oh, goodness! I really think looking into alternatives is a good idea at this point.

Every mama needs emotional support during pregnancy. There is no better time to search for an alternative that fits you than now! It's never too late to change.

Have you seen this list? There are quite a few LMs on there.
http://www.washingtonmidwives.org/directory/listings.php3?region=seattle

[allnaturalmama]

I'm so sorry about your precious Luna (beautiful name!) and that you're facing this right now with your second pregnancy. I agree that you should at least interview some lay midwives and see if there is a connection with any of them. I also like the doula idea: if you can't find someone else who feels like a right fit to be your BA, then maybe a doula could be that emotional support you need so badly right now.

I admire you for being able to analyze your needs and address them, and I still think you've got plenty of time to try for the birthing experience you want and deserve.

Keep us posted. Praying for you!

Jennifer