New here, but...

[tamccrackine]

HI! I'm new to this arena and have been lurking around for a bit. What I would like to know is how to start the gentle discipline? :crap Where do I start? What type of senario would I be able to start with? I have three girls and the oldest is 5.5. She's very spirited, very verbose and can get downright rude at times. I try my best to not deal with her the way my mother did (smack in the mouth). I do not smack my children, period. I just don't like it.
I thought I was a good mother until last year when I took a friend to Texas with her four children. Her four and my, then, two got together and had a good time but she critiqued my oldest as a selfish, overbearing, snotty, rude, mouthy brat and my youngest as a whining, selfish child then emphasized to me that my children would be better if my husband was home more (because they need their father-- I agree but we're military, so sometimes it just ain't happenin'). Now.. .my children didn't act like hers. In some cases mine were worse and in others mine were better, but it was the mere thought that here's my best friend, basically just told me that my children are satan's spawn. I didn't get any suggestions on what/how to improve. So the past year has been me on a roller coaster of a ride trying to figure out if there really is any validity in her opinion.
My husband is a great father, doesn't have to spank because the girls listen to him. With me.. totally different story. I ask them to clean their rooms and they just look at me like "whatever mom" and go about their business (keep in mind, my oldest is 6!). I've "cleaned" their room four times now (throwing the stuff in the trash) and they just non chalantly tell me "That's ok, I'll get more."
I'm confused and hurt because I don't want to use spanking and I have actually bitten my tongue, drawn blood on my own hands from digging my nails in while walking away trying not to do it.
I was raised with stupid spanking.. I say stupid because my mother would hit us just on a whim. Last time I was hit by her I was 21. I had an argument with my father and she deemed my talk rude so she came up from behind me and punched me in the head. After a few choice words and a threat to call the cops, I told her that you dont' have to hit to communicate disdain.
Ok... before I blabber on and on :blah .... help? Where can I start? I think my first area I have to get over, though, is the mental image that gentle discipline is not for me. I'm impatient and expect results. So please be patient as I work though this issue... but any other suggestions, advice you can directly give me would be great! Now I'm off to puruse the rest of the threads! :notes: Thanks so much for being here!

[johub]

Welcome!
As for how to start with GD you have already made the first big step by commiting to never hit your children.
The problem then goes what then?
I know what not to do but what do I do instead?
Well you will get a million and a half suggestions here but I would suggest you start off with some reading. There are as many ways to deal with discipline as there are parental and childrens temperaments.
These are my favorites:
Dr William Sears "The Discipline Book" and also Anthony Wolf "The Secret of Parenting"
These are GD style books which really give how-to advice on behavior and helping your children behave etc. . .
Ok so what do you do now before you get a chance to read the books?
First of all, give yourself a break. YOu are doing the best you can do, and it doesnt help that your 'best friend' is commenting negatively on your children.
Sure, having their dad around would be a good thing, but you alreayd know that, it cant be changed and it is just hurtful of her to mention it.
I think we all think our kids are better behaved than other peoples kids. So she isnt a good judge of your children's behavior. Only you are.
Only you know what is and is not acceptable to you. So forget about everythign your friend said.
Second of all, it is good that you admit that you are impatient and expect results. It wont help you get results any faster, but it will serve as a reminder that patience is a key thing for you to work on.
At 6 your child is probably not even developmentally capable of cleaning her room on her own. The more you read the more you will learn what you can reasonably expect, and how to help your children learn new skills so you can expect more.
Remember also that children are often not on their best behavior when they have company or are travelling because their routines are all off kilter etc. . .

Other than the room cleaning. Perhaps you could post about some specific behavioral issues you are having to get some more pertinent advice.
Good luck
Joline

[irinam]

Welcome to the forums! You've come to the great place.

Just reading posts alone here would help you on your path.

When I "started" realizing that I am actually GD and when I "internalized" it - I examined myself and my own view, feelings, expectations first.

Like - "do I want obeying subjects in my household?" (one extreme), "do I want my kids to do what they want all the time no matter what it takes?" (another extreme)

Finally I arrived at "I want my FAMILY to function as a team, equally respecting every member"

I also want my kids to grow up knowing how to make their own decisions, rather than telling them what to do all the time and when I am no longer in position to do that they might be "at mercy" of somebody else telling them what to do, because that is the only way they know how to live (how was that for run-away sentence, LOL)

Next question for myself was "how do I do it?"

Again, it was analysing everybody's abilities, desires, wants and needs.

I realized that many things that could be labled as "unacceptable" were the normal developmental stages.

I realized that being compassionate and understanding towards my kids goes a long way.

I realized that kids need to be taught how to be compationate and understanding (and learning this takes time, persistance and repetition - just like learning any other skill)

Joline suggested good books - I second the idea of reading and learning about GD