What am I doing wrong? (advise please)

[RosePetal]

Since my third m/c nearly two weeks ago, my husband does not want to get intimate with me. Since I m/c so early this time I felt better (physically) sooner than I did the last time. My need to be close to him is really strong. He'll hug me and hold me, of course, but he's not ready to make love to me. For me I want to...I feel like it will bring some normality to me and help me.

Last night my need was so strong I started touching him while I was half asleep. I turned over and stopped...I can take a hint. But when I woke up, I was crying. Later that night he woke up choking with a nose bleed and so he slept the rest of the night downstairs on the fouton. It really hurt me that I was all alone.

What am I doing wrong? I really want to move on, but how can we move forward and try again if I can't even get intimate in the first place?
Any ideas or advise would be greatly appreciated.


Andrea

[KYCat]

:hug :hug
Sorry that you're going through this. I don't have any real advice but I understand. I had a full term stillbirth, so I was to refrain from sexual activity until my 6 week checkup. I assumed that it would be no problem, since it wasn't after my other 2 deliveries. Sometimes I am stupid. Obviously it was different this time since I was not home being loved all over by my baby and up all night nursing. I really missed and needed physical intimacy. Maybe your dh is still not emotionally ready to try again? My only suggestion is a long conversation when you are not actually trying to initiate anything. I'm sorry that this is causing a problem.
Good luck and peace to you.

[shannon0218]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, but I don't think your dh is either. Often when we experience a miscarriage we don't really think about how that affects dad, afterall, he didn't feel pregnant, he wasn't puking and he didn't "loose" the baby. I know for my dh the third miscarriage really shook him. He thought it was something wrong with his sperm. He didn't ever want to see me go through a loss again. He wanted to do whatever he could possibly do to protect ME from being hurt again, he really had no idea that he was hurting me by not opening up to me. When I finally got him to talk to me (via a huge fight) he confessed that at work he'd been volunteering to work in the freezer (even though he's got enough seniority he never has to be in the freezer) because it was the only place he didn't have to see boxes of pampers or formula or anything else that reminded him of a baby.
I think he needs to have some time to grieve the loss as well--just as you wouldn't want him crawling all over you when you couldn't think about sex yet, he deserves the same space. He will come around and it has nothing to do with not loving you or finding you desirable.
:hug

[shannon0218]

Have things improved Andrea?