Hope this is the right forum...

[AntoninBeGonin]

Hi all,

I really hope I'm posting this in the right forum. I know that if anyone can offer me advice it'll be you wonderful ladies. :)

I'm a Doula, and my second client is now on strict bedrest for having very low amniotic fluid. She is only allowed to get up for the bathroom, no other reason. Her little girl is 26 weeks along, but only measuring 23 weeks according to ultrasound. So far the baby is doing okay, considering the circumstances, but I want to be prepared in case of the worst. Is there a best way I can ask her about what she'd like done in case of prenatal death, or stillbirth? What kinds of choices will she be given by the hospital that I can help prepare her for? I want her to know that I'll be at her birth regardless--unless she wants to be alone.

I bought her a book as a gift just in case. Hopefully, I won't need to give it to her.

Thanks,
~Nay

[abimommy]

Hi all,

I really hope I'm posting this in the right forum. I know that if anyone can offer me advice it'll be you wonderful ladies. :)

I'm a Doula, and my second client is now on strict bedrest for having very low amniotic fluid. She is only allowed to get up for the bathroom, no other reason. Her little girl is 26 weeks along, but only measuring 23 weeks according to ultrasound. So far the baby is doing okay, considering the circumstances, but I want to be prepared in case of the worst. Is there a best way I can ask her about what she'd like done in case of prenatal death, or stillbirth? What kinds of choices will she be given by the hospital that I can help prepare her for? I want her to know that I'll be at her birth regardless--unless she wants to be alone.

I bought her a book as a gift just in case. Hopefully, I won't need to give it to her.

Thanks,
~Nay

I don't think you should ask her that. You could tell her the situation was very serious but I wouldn't ask her to plan should her baby die.

It is really the WORST thing a person can go through and it will just really upset her and increase the stress.

If you are telling her everything she has had some preparation so it won't be a complete shock.

I will be keeping your patient in my prayers.

[iris0110]

I definately don't think you should try asking her about what she would want to do. This is very stressful for her, and she doesn't need to dwell on that right now. However it would be good if you could have in mind some things that can be done in case the worst were to happen. Here are a list of some things that we did, wish we could have done, after our daughter was stillborn. There are also some things that other women I have talked to have mentioned doing.

*Name the baby (she may have already done this)
*hold the baby
*take lots of pictures of the baby, with mama, with daddy, with all of the family
*take time to look the baby over from top to bottom, marvel at her feet and hands, and even her little bottom. Take pictures if you would like.
*Sing to and talk to baby
*take hand and foot prints and even impressions (they sell these kits at all kinds of craft stores
*take a lock of hair
*Give baby a bath and dress her (alot of hospitals have premie clothes)
*Do not let them drug you during labor (those first few moments are so important especially if baby is born alive)
*Keep baby with you as long as you like
*have the hospital staff wrap baby in blankets from the warmer
*You can have your baby brought to you as long as you are in the hospital, however if you chose to do this, ask that they warm the baby for you with blankets
*ask to keep the clothes that your baby was dressed in, and the blanket she was wrapped in at birth

There are so many others that I am not thinking of, hopefully other mom's will add on. If things should turn for the worst, just be there for her. Support her as she labors and encourage her to bond with her baby (but don't pressure her). These are all things that you can remember, for any mom you work with who may experience this most painful loss.

[nydiagonz]

When I was in a situation similar to hers, my pain was softened by the fact that I was explained every possible scenario once we knew my baby was in danger. The neonatologist sat with me and explained the chances of survival, possible complications and expected quality of life and how these descriptions would change with every few days that went by. I was aware that my situation could take a turn for the better and I could have a healthy baby, as well as the other routes: underdeveloped infant resulting in mental and physical disabilities, a premie that would have compications but make it through, death, etc.

I agree with Abimommy that you should should not ask her to make decisions about what she would do in case of her baby dying. However I do think that she should be aware that that is one of the many paths this journey could take. When the time comes, she will have time to make her decisions. Knowing that all of these outcomes were possibilities, when the worst did happen, I at least had thought it through in my mind and was not overcome by the shock. Good luck to the both of you.

[taradt]

I agree with what the others have said, she knows how serious it can be and doesn't need to face that yet. Do they know what is causing the low amniotic fluid?

I will keep her and the baby in my thoughts, we went through something similar last year and it was a very uncertain and hard time. One thing that helped us a lot was people talking to us and listenning to us. Being asked how we are *really* feeling forced me to focus on us rather then being in a daze. Being brought light fiction reading helped me to escape for awhile. I wasn't on bedrest so doing things "just for me" (like DH taking my daughter and my having a bath with the good bubble bath). When we got to the stage of knowing our son wouldn't survive, then I started talking about what we could do to honor him and what his birth would entail. The best thing that was done for us was our midwife and the hospital staff treating our son as they would any other baby. He was weighed, footprints taken and pictures done. They respected him and us...

take care

tara

[abimommy]

*Name the baby (she may have already done this)
*hold the baby
*take lots of pictures of the baby, with mama, with daddy, with all of the family
*take time to look the baby over from top to bottom, marvel at her feet and hands, and even her little bottom. Take pictures if you would like.
*Sing to and talk to baby
*take hand and foot prints and even impressions (they sell these kits at all kinds of craft stores
*take a lock of hair
*Give baby a bath and dress her (alot of hospitals have premie clothes)
*Do not let them drug you during labor (those first few moments are so important especially if baby is born alive)
*Keep baby with you as long as you like
*have the hospital staff wrap baby in blankets from the warmer
*You can have your baby brought to you as long as you are in the hospital, however if you chose to do this, ask that they warm the baby for you with blankets
*ask to keep the clothes that your baby was dressed in, and the blanket she was wrapped in at birth




I agree. Helping her do these things or even being there for her will mean lot to her.

Don't ASK "do you still want me there if..."

Birth is birth she already put her trust in you by choosing you in the first place. If she loses her baby, be there, don't ask her to ask you to be there for her.