father/child time as baby sitting, please help

[moma justice]

my dh refers to him being alone with our child while i go to work as babysitting...he spends on average about 3 hours alone with her per month, and when he called it baby sitting i realized how way offfffff he is about what it means to be a father....

so if you guys (or moms for their guys) would please list off some of the things you, by your self without being asked, do for childcare on a reg basis (while wife is gone OR home....)
that would be great....i does not have a very balanced perspective...his father ws not hands on and he does not know many other dads that are very AP...and he certainly does not hang out with other dads very often...

so please, help him understand, what do you do for you child(ren) as a father!!!!!

[um_hanna]

im waiting w/ this one as well looool, i work from home so i am w/ her 24 / 7, and no complaints just well you knw, im not babysitting im being a mommy..but when dh is home, on his 'day off' from his job he gets paid to do, he says he shouldnt have to work at home as well :irked: , grant it he does work alot but so do I *sigh* what to do, ...so please do tell daddies;) :wink

[Blue Dragonfly]

In Canada, we get 37 weeks parental leave (+15 weeks maternity leave). My husband is sharing the leave with me, and now that I'm back at work is the primary care giver. After 2 weeks, I find myself asking dh if ds is tired or hungry when he fusses!! So dh is doing everything that I used to do.

I miss it a lot, but I think how lucky my ds is to have a dad who wants to do this. At first we were going to split our leave 50/50, but I said hey - i'm doing all the work, I need a rest too, so I got 8 months, and he gets 4.

It used to be that we would split the parenting 50/50 after dh came home from work - and it still is that way when I come home, so now he's doing about 75% of the "work".

[Dov]

When my dd and ds were that age (I'm guessing @ age 3, yes? I suck at math), I did pretty much the same thing as when they were infants.. although to be honest, my first day with dd as an infant--when dw had to go back to work (In CA you have to fight tooth and nail for the "leave" that's provided and it's largely unpaid)--was an exercise in sheer panic. I had no role models of what a SAHD does all day, I had no idea how to relate to this gorgeous little creature, and the 2-3 bottles of breast milk in the freezer made me so anxiety ridden I almost threw up. The only thing I could do was plunk down on the floor with her and watch... that led to holding, which led to singing songs, that led to dancing around the room, that led to playing goofy games I made up on the spot, then she took a nap, so then I went over as many things about her I had learned as I could remember so when she awoke we could keep the momentum going. I used the internet, MDC, etc. and procured intell on this baby raising thing and went from there. Pretty much right away I made a sling from one of dw's Mayan wraps and just strapped her to my body and did all my normal things, albeit with much more singing , dancing and goofy games, and our Dalmatian helped out too with the entertainment.

Okay, so now I'm off topic... back on... @ age 3 I was doing much more housework since ds came along when dd was 2, plus working on writing and doing some consulting work from home. So, I just included dd and ds strapped to me in the wrap, in everything I was doing. We had always been a picnic at the park kind of duo so with ds, we made it a trio and spent a lot of time outside. We only had one car so dw had that and we got a trailer for the two boogers and I rode the bike with them in tow around town to other parks with creeks and waterfalls and errands. Whatever I did, they were there with me doing it too... with some goofy modification.

Most days the housework consumed considerable time (we cloth diapered with "Kushies") and with a dog there was a lot to vacuum every day. DD loves to draw and dance so we did a lot of that, I'd lay down some rhythms on the computer and jam on bass or a djimbe and give dd a rattle, she added scarves to dance with and ds rolled around giggling. Phone calls to a client were timed to coincide with naps but even then that was tough b/c our two rarely did anything at the same time.

My advice to the OP's DH is this: what do you love to do, man. Do that with your dd. Try to replace "sitting" with "watching" which then will lead to "Daddy time." If you have no clue what to do, just hang out with dd, she'll teach you 99.9% of what you need to know. Don't put pressure on yourself to be a "mom" you won't be anyway and that's the beauty of being a Dad... it's the same but distinct in a subtle way. (Mom's try to hold back and give him space to figure that out for himself... it was hell for my dw to do it but she learned, just ask her... TeachinMama).

Yeah, unfortunately most of us guys had/have no role models to imitate or emulate, our gendered end of the culture ridicules us, despises us, but mostly envies us and they don't know why. That's fine, it's changing with every dad who flops onto the floor in front of his offspring as asks the little creature, "who are you? What do you need? What do you want? I'm all yours, babe, just show me the way..." and goes from there.

[Starflower]

Dov - I think your post is right on. :thumb

That said, I want to emphasize something that you mentioned that moms can do to help dads be better dads. Please give him some guidance when he asks, but it's really important to make sure to give dad enough space to develop his own relationship with DD. I know this is very hard to do - ask my DH (JavaSavant) - I'm a known control freak. I still sometimes have trouble with letting go of my daily duties with DD when it's daddy time because I am so used to doing everything while he's working. If you need to, go out of the house for an hour or two at first, just to get you both used to it. He'll gain some confidence and you'll gain a little time off. ;)

I think setting up some regular daddy time - if your DH is willing to do this - might be helpful. We've had some success with scheduling time blocks. Not only does it give DH a chance to bond with DD, but it gives me a chance to do my own thing.

Oh, and make it a point to correct ourselves if we talk about daddy "babysitting." The terminology creates a degree of separation which I can get in the way of the father-child relationship.

I'll try to send DH over to this thread for his two cents worth, too.

Good luck.

[ZachsMommy]

Well, I will answer for my DH -

We are both working full time but every second week we work an opposite shift so he gets DS all morning until 2 in the afternoon. He drops DS at the DCP's and I pick him up at 5. So he is THE parent for about 6 hours a day that week. He does EVERYTHING. They play, he cleans(when he feels like it :irked: :LOL ) they go do errands, they go out travelling to just browse(Home Depot, Rona, etc) He's in charge of naptime, breakfasts, dinners, diapers, etc. Everything. But we knew that I was going to go back to work when DS was a year old YAY Canada!! So I made sure that they had daddy/son time with and without Mommy! He was in charge of baths from day one. Also he was in charge of feeding (solids and bottles) if I was busy or gone. He always helped with diapers or putting him to sleep or whatever. And when I was gone and someone suggested that DH was 'Babysitting' He proudly said "NOPE! I'm Parenting!!" :love

I can see your DH's point of view because if I was only in charge of my DS for 3 hours a month I would really NOT consider it parenting and I would feel like just the babysitter - 3 hours is peanuts in my books!

I would suggest more daddy/child time alone and let him make the decisions about everything during that period. Don't prepare supper for them, don't suggest what to wear. I had a couple girlfriends and we would meet once a month for dinner/movie night. So that was 4 hours of daddy/son time. I also went out on solo shopping trips(grocery/clothing/Walmart, etc), and my favorite is when DH and DS would go visit Grandma(my MIL) for a few hours so that I could get some good cleaning or nap time in :wink !

:shamrock to you!

[rdl2k5]

I'll just list todays. It's 2pm and I've already done 3 hours of "kid alone time" today.

12am. Daughter wakes up crying. I go and pick her up and she stops crying within 30seconds to a minute. I stay in the room with her laying in the bed until she falls asleep a few minutes later.

5am. Daughter having a bad night, wife is too. I've already slept the 6 hours I need so I get up with her and we go driving to get breakfast. (went to bed at 10 last night)

6:30. We arrive home. Into the stroller, we're going on a walk. We're out for 45 minutes or so. Dog walked, my exercise for day is done. Daughter happy. She loves seeing people, houses, cars, trees, etc.

7:15 Inside, into the high chair. Time to make breakfast for her and clean up the kitchen some. This takes about 45 minutes.

8:00 Into the Living room for play time.

8:30. Wake up wife. Time to get ready for work.

------------

Tonight

5:00. Walk in Door. 15 minutes to change clothes and catch up on anythign I need to do. 5:15. Out the door for the dogs evening walk, daughter in the stroller. We'll be back around 5:45 or so.

5:45 Help finish dinner, clean up some dishes, into the high chair for her dinner and ours.

6:30-7:00 Bath time. I give her the bath at the beginning and let her play until she doesn't want to be in there anymore. Usually around 30 minutes. She pats the side with 2 hands when she's done.

7:00-8:00 Calm down/lights out quiet time in the living room. Wife and I both are there for this

8:00 bed time. (This is just when it normally happens, she doesn't have a "Bed time"

8-11 do whatever we want.

So.. If I calculate that. That's 3.5 hours this morning, 1.5 hours this evening. And about 2 hours of time where we're both watching.

5 hours today and I'm in charge of wake ups before midnight as long as she pats down semi-easily.

This won't work for everyone. Everyone handles things differently. Some have more/less time to give and that's cool.

There has to be a happy medium between the time I have available and 3 hours a month. Do I get angry and resentful sometimes? Of course! Who doesn't? It's been 3 hours, she's cranky! HERE!

I am able to go for these long stretches with her happy because I made a commitment early on to spending a lot of time with her and to knowing how to take care of her. She is accustomed to me, she finds comfort in me as well. (most of the time at least)

Not sure what to say. You asked what we do to spend time.

We go to the park and swing, we go swimming at the pool at the gym we belong to, we go to home depot/lowes/target and cruise around, We grocery shop. (I do small trips, wife does the big ones), we go to the co-op to buy fruit/vegetables, we walk. These things alone take up a LOT of our time.

[~Nikki~]

Oooh, I hate the word babysitting in reference to fathers. My sister-in-law once said that to me "Oh, John is at home babysitting eh?" and I responded "No, he's at home parenting..." It just irks me, for some reason. Fathers should be equal parents!

My DH does the following, on a regular basis:

-Paces around the house at night with inconsolable infant, when he doesn't want to eat, and just wants to cry
-Does the night-time wakings with 2 year old DD, when she gets up wanting a drink or a snuggle (usually like 17 times a night)
-Wakes up between 5:30-6:00am when DD starts calling for him
-Changes diapers throughout the day
-Shares the cloth diaper workload (he doesn't fold them, he thinks that's silly...but at least he washes and dries them)
-Cooks ALL of the meals for us, fetches DD snacks and drinks, sometimes makes her a second dinner when she rejects the first one
-Carts the baby around the house when he's fussy (which is like 99% of the day), and I need a break from it.
-Chases DD around the tunnels in the massive 4 story indoor park near our house (it's quite a work-out).

I'm in Canada, too, where we're able to split the parental leave. We decided that I should take the entire 52 weeks (for breastfeeding reasons, mainly, I want to be home as long as possible.) But we consider his 8 hours of work, and my 8 hours alone with the kids as an equal work-load. When we're both home, we split the work fairly. There is no dominant parent in this relationship.

[papapoochie]

Papapoockie checking in. I'm the first up to shower and make DW coffee and get my lunch together. I used to make DW lunch and breakfast but she prefers to do this herself w/DS as their tastes vary daily.

I'm off to work 8:15am -6:30ish.

I come home and hang w/my son (whatever he wants to do, ie, swing in the back yard, play trains, hear stories, etc) while DW cooks dinner. I do one dinner a week or if she is out of sorts from f/t mommying, then I take over making the salads, etc.

We're together in the evenings. I give DS a bath while DW runs to the store for snacks, or grocery items.

Then bed.

When my DW needs to do something or needs a mom break, she heads out and I spend time with DS. I let him choose the activities, typically. Sometimes on the weekend DW will dart out for an hour or two while DS naps. If he awakens prematurely I'll try to get him back to sleep. Usually he FREAKS :angry cause mom is not home. But by the time she returns, he's smiling and we're playing. :bouncy :nut

[moma justice]

please keep them coming!

[EFmom]

Both dh and I work full time out of the home. He is a ps teacher. I get the kids off to school in the morning and he picks them up in the afternoon around 3:30-4. He plays with them and supervises homework. I come home and most nights make dinner, or else he starts something I've done the prep work on. Most nights he supervises bathtime while I do dishes and do a bit of cleaning up.

On weekends, he often takes them to the park, to walk the dog with him, or running errands. Sometimes we all go and sometimes one or the other will go. He is active in Y-Guides with them and goes on their camping trips and other activities with them.

Since he is a teacher, he gets the school holidays and vacations and is with them all the time. If they are sick, I usually take off work more than he does because my work is more flexible.

On the whole, he does a bit more childcare than I do. It just happens to be one of his pet peeves when men refer to watching their kids as "babysitting." He's been known to yell, "The word you are looking for is PARENTING, not babysitting," at a few of his friends.

[Tata]

When I'm home I do everything except nurse the babes. OK. Dishes I do less of. :D But, everything else I do. My dp and I share as much of the parenting as we can. I work, she stays at home. But, I've adjusted my job so as to be at home as much as possible. I miss my kids when I'm at work and would rather be at home with them. I love spending time with them. I guess it is a mental leap to truly see yourself as a parent and not just living your life with the interuption of children. Or, deligating the role of parent to someone else and being distant from it.

[allgirls]

When he's home he

gets her out of bed when she wakes...changes her if she has pee'd

He will get her breakfast..

He will take her to potty, dress her, get her clothes.

We divide it pretty evenly when he's home...right now he's gone to run errands and has taken her with him so I am home alone to relax(pregnant..3 days past my dd and I need quiet)

My DH will do anything he sees that needs to be done, dishes, cooking, vacuuming, cleaning. The only thing I have never seen him do is dust unless it's a very obvious cobweb or something.

He will also make beds...drive kids to activities, friends houses etc. etc.

He makes me realise how much I did when I was married to my ex who did nothing except "babysit" occasionally :irked: and complained about that.

Parenting is a delight and a lot of work...I feel really sorry for dads who "babysit" instead of parenting...it's a totally different thing.

[tootpapa]

My story is similar to Papapoochie. I work similar hours but have some flexibility as a grad student. dd is 8 months, so I try to take a shift during the night when she wakes (its teething time) so dw can at least get a couple of hours of uninterrupted sleep. Sometimes I get dd up, dressed, fed and play for an hour or so while dw sleeps in. At night I try to do whatever is most helpful, usually dancing or playing on the floor with dd so dw can have a moment of peace. She usually cooks while this happens and I do the dishes. Sometimes I do the cooking, though.

I think the important issue is that the stay at home caretaker, usually mom but not always, works pretty much 24 hours a day. So I see my paid job as only part of my work, the other being parenting. Since dd is small and I work outside the home, I do a lot of "helper" work, like dishes, laundry, etc. as well as giving my tired wife a break. But regardless of my role, to spend time with my daughter is what I look forward to all day long and I don't see it as work (only the laundry and dishes). This should be an enriching and fulfilling experience that helps us as men to grow and regain some of the humanity squished out of us by this ridiculous society. Dov was right on. Somehow your dh needs to not see this as a burden but as a golden opportunity to be involved in someone's life in an intimate way. My father did not do this, but the suggestions here are all good. Watch, learn, let the child take the lead and be the teacher.