Regret spanking(overheard conversation)

[allgirls]

So I am shopping for hats for baby and I see an older woman(60+years) and a younger woman(mid thirties) and somewhere nearby there is a toddler having a massive tantrum...I can hear it...this baby was having a total meltdown though I never did see the child.

So the older woman says to the younger women "when my kids were that age and they did that in public I used to smack them"

I am taken aback of course..but then the woman says..."I really really regret that...I feel awful about it" the other woman says something like "that was the way things were done back then and the woman says "oh yeah, we felt like we had to or the kids would be bad but I really really feel bad about it and regret it...I think about it often and feel really bad about it" and then they move away so I don't hear anymore.

Most of the people I know who spanked stand by it...I think this is the first time I have ever heard someone say they "regret it" ever....no excuses were good enough. I really kind of felt bad for her. She sounded very very sincerely sorry and was kind of beating herself up...she sounded emotional.

I just thought it was interesting.

[runes]

Wow, I do think it's pretty rare for someone of that generation to have thought this through to the point of regretting spanking their kids.

DH had a big conversation with his dad about this a few months ago. DH was spanked only a handful of times as a little one (he was the 'good' kid, his older sister OTOH was spanked quite often). DH remembers every single instance of being spanked. It was interesting listening to them talk about it, and FIL finally conceded that DH was probably the type of child that could have "turned out fine" (his words) without having been spanked, as he apparently responded very well to verbal redirection. FIL did admit that it never really crossed his mind at the time that the two kids 'needed' different types of discipline (again...his words).

I started to talk about GD and how we are not going to use any type of corporal punishment/violence in our home, and he was shocked to say the least, he thought that children MUST be spanked and controlled! He doesn't quite believe that we'll be able to pull this off and raise a child using GD principles.

Well, I'm hoping that the older woman in the scenario you witnessed today is a loving, doting, gentle grandma.

[tamccrackine]

I can understand where the older woman was coming from. I regret what I've done too.

I never did like getting smacked around by my mother. I never understood why my father could get my attention and I was *WILLING* to do what he asked but he spanked me ONCE in my life (and he nailed me, my brother AND my sister instead of trying to figure out "whodunit"... even though my brother was at fault) My mother would hit us all the time for the STOOOOOOOOOPidest infractions. She'd tell us what needed to be done, but not show us or give a timeframe of when it needed to be complete so when we failed her expectations, she'd punish us. Most of it was extreme screaming, guilt trips to make us feel worthless or we were stupid and then the spankings. Lots of times they were extreme... I remember being kicked in the kidneys because I did a small back of the hand pop on my brothers arm and told him "not to do that" when I saw him kick the cat across the room and she asked me how I liked being hit. She'd hit us when we'd have arguments with our father because SHE deemed we were being disrespectful. Anyway.... I grew up in a pretty confused household. Manic depression is starting to come to light in the family tree so I'm starting to be able to see where things and why things happened.

I swear I don't want to raise my children in that fear of not being able to meet expectations, feeling worthless, and just feeling like "what the hell am I doing on this dang earth then?"

I regret alot of the spankings I have given my girls. MANY of them they didn't deserve; I just lost control and because that's the way I was raised... I thought it was the way to handle the situation. But I'm learning now. I won't be one of those people that excuses my behavior because "that's the way I was raised."

Will I feel overly remorseful for my past? No.... it's something I have to learn from and because I hate the way it makes me feel (like an inadequate parent and an adult that has let a 4 year old get the better of her), I hate the way it breaks down the trust issue between me and my children... I have committed myself to not spank again. Will I be perfect in my endeavor? No, I'm human. Thus I have to ask God for help but I look forward to my continued development from the advice and guidance from people here.

Ok.. of my soapbox! :)
theresa

[eorr]

I think that's great, since most people can't ever admit that they may have made a mistake. It's sad that she's continuing to punish herself over it, but recognizing a mistake doesn't have to directly result in punishing oneself, yk?
I know my dad still thinks he did a great job - knowing that I remember the spanking incidents or other inappropriate discipline events that he can't even recall makes him proud "well, you learned the lesson, didn't you?" I just don't think he can see that it wasn't really the lesson that he was trying to teach.
So it always makes me smile when I hear someone who is willing to look at their actions and see them from a different point of view.

[fly-mom]

My mom told me that she regrets spanking me "as much as she did". I was little and have no memory of it what-so-ever. I didn't even know I was spanked as a toddler, and I have only one memory of ever being spanked at all.

I had a very interesting conversation with some women at work. I don't really know them at all (they are quite different from me in many ways, but I enjoy talking to people who live a different kind of life than I do). We were talking about our children and most of them had much older children than I do, in their teens, while my dd is only 2.5. Anyway, we were talking about discipline. One of the ladies was telling us about a confrontation with her teen daughter and how it kept escalating until she "had to punch her in the stomach as hard as she could". This, of course, shocked the crap out of me. I am aware that many people spank their children, but the thought of punching your child in the stomach, causing them to collapse in the floor, is completely alien to me. Some of the other ladies agreed with her and said things like, "Sometimes you just have to do that". I did not want to be judgemental (after all, this is something she learned and she obviously did not consider that there was any other way to deal with children) and I wanted to continue the conversation so I said something to the effect of, "Oh- we don't spank my dd. I'm concerned that if I got physical with her that I would really hurt her". Which is not really why I don't spank, but I hoped that it sounded less judgemental. They were curious as to whether she was a good girl or not, and seemed kind of amazed when I told them she was very very good. Then the orignal woman said something very telling, I thought. She said that her daughter's father NEVER spanked/hit and it was amazing to her that her daughter respected him, while she had no respect for her (her mother) at all. She said the girl behaved so much better for her father without "any discipline at all". She never admitted regretting hitting her daughter, but I'd like to think that she is at least thinking about it.