is this the right forum? miscarriage

[mandalamama]

(i'm not sure if i should post this here, or in the Pregnancy forum? because it's an early m/c)

i've been going through this alone because i'm in a difficult situation with my husband, but i'm dreading sleep for yet another night, fearing nightmares again. i really need to talk to someone. i've been miscarrying for 5 days now. we'd only had sex once in the last six months so the date of conception was easy to figure out, i would be 11 weeks 1 day today. my history is: my last m/c was at 11 weeks 4 days, that was a blighted ovum. this is my third pregnancy in 3 years, with all of them i never tested positive on a urine test, only on hcg testing. this is my fifth m/c in my life, they've all been right around 12 weeks. i have PCOS, so it's normal for me to go 3-4 months without a period. i never know i'm pregnant until around 9 weeks, when the nausea hits. i get breast pain and aureola darkening at the same time as the nausea, so at least i can be sure about this even without the hcg test.

i called my OB last Friday. i told her i really, really don't want to come in unless it's absolutely necessary, but wanted to let her know what's up in case i need to come in. basically i've been on the "check your temperature regularly/how many pads are you going through/drink lots of water/get lots of rest" regimen. i'm at one pad every 2 hours, moderate surging pain, no fever at all. i guess you could say i'm a UM'er (unassisted miscarriage). is that wrong? i mean, not to want an ultrasound or pelvic exam unless there's sign of infection?

i just ... i haven't even told my husband about this. he thinks i'm just having a rough period, a little moody. we've been having problems lately, and i've been looking at possibly having a life without him, being a single parent. so when i realized i was pregnant, my first thought was "OH NO" and then i felt horrible guilt for even thinking that :( then i started spotting, then cramping, then bleeding, and i knew i was losing it. when i was pumping breastmilk for my daughter, it increased both the cramps and the flow, it almost felt like birth contractions! and my first thought was "this is good, it's natural" and then of course i felt guilty about that as well. :( and then to top it off, i don't even want to tell my husband, because he'd want to hug me and pity me and i just know i couldn't handle that right now. so i feel guilty about that, too.

i'm sorry, i'm long-winded. i guess i'm trying to say, i feel guilty because i wasn't trying to conceive and while i wouldn't get an abortion, i don't feel as sad about this miscarriage as i would if i wanted to have another baby right now. which makes me feel even sadder, and guiltier, that i feel as i do. does that make sense? and then i haven't told anyone, so i feel like i'm about to explode. i feel guilty, and sad, and angry at myself, then sad again.

is it wrong to just want to handle this all by myself? last time, i chose natural m/c but i did have an ultrasound and exams. but now i know better, and i think i'm ok on my own unless i have signs of infection.

thank you for listening.

[JennInSeattle]

Wow, I don't know where to begin. :hug

We had a m/c in August '04. Nathan was 10 months old when I became pregnant and we were both pretty shocked. Dan was not happy at all and while I wanted the baby our marriage was extremely close to ending. We moved while I was pregnant from Seattle to Hawaii. The move and Dan's family compounded our problems. There was screaming and yelling and borderline physcial stuff often. I was so unhappy. I'd been raised by my single mother until I was 10 and life had been fine. She encouraged me to leave him and just do it myself.. in large part because that's the way she had done it. It was a big decision and I wanted counsel outside of my family so I talked to my old pastor and a pastor at my mom's church (even though I hadn't been to church in some time and had about a zero relationship with God because of my anger towards him). Dan gave me an ultimatim at that point.. move back to Seattle with him or make my way in this world without him because he was going. Both pastors in their own way after hearing every last painful detail said to stay. I decided to give it one more chance, I figured then I could say I'd done everything I could. I moved back to Seattle in January. Things were not better immediately but we were both trying harder than before. We both went back to church and our lives began to get better. As our individual relationships grew with the Lord our marriage improved. Now I can't imagine my life without God and without Dan. I'm completely in love all over again and when I think of living without him and Nathan being without his father it just breaks my heart.. we were so close. I don't know what's happened in your marriage but I'll be praying for you and I hope you can stay together (assuming it's not an unsafe place).

As for m/c'ing alone - this last m/c I chose to do alone. I had no tests, no u/s's and didn't even have it confirmed at the doctor. I know my body pretty well and I just didn't want to go through any of the fuss that I've been through in the past, sometimes that makes it harder. If you know your body and you feel comfortable then I wouldn't worry about it but definiely be vigilant since your pregnancy was pretty far along.

And you don't have to feel guilty about letting your body take care of things or helping it along. It's hard to know you're losing a baby and it's natural to want that process over with. :hug

And I felt led to grab the Bible when I was heading over to answer this post, I had no clue where to turn but my finger caught a page before I'd even opened it. On that page was a passage about marraige so if you have a few minutes I encourage you to read Romans 7:1-6. I don't know if it will help you but I'll be praying that it will.

[pjabslenz]

I miscarried in 4 August of this year. Like you, I chose to stay home and let things happen naturally. I knew the signs to look for and had faith & confidence in my body's ability. If it feels right to you, then continue to stay home. My PCM wanted me to undergo a second & third blood test. The second to confirm my levels dropped and the third, after my miscarriage to be certain my levels went back to 0. I refused both and am pleased with my peaceful miscarriage.

:hug to you. I'm sorry you are doing this alone and don't have the support of your husband. I will be praying you can share what is happening with him or find someone that you can talk with. IMO, having a miscarriage is painful enough but trying to sort through all the feelings and emotions alone can be very overwhelming.

Please let us know how you're doing.

[mama4gals]

Mandalamama, so sorry about your m/c. I just had my 4th in a row last month. It sure is rough. My midwife wanted me to come in and get hcg levels again, but I thought it was pointless. I knew I was miscarrying; as long as the blood wasn't too much I wasn't going to bother going in. I was a little mad at the mw anyway. I know it probably had nothing to do with it, but I started bleeding the day after an internal exam, and I can't help feeling it might not have happened if she hadn't been poking around in there. Just make sure you get as much rest as you can, drink lots of water, and take your vitamins. It sounds obvious, but you'd be amazed how much difference it can make in your recovery. :hug

Liz

[mandalamama]

:hug thank you, mamas. i guess that's what i'm trying to avoid, a big fuss being made over it by my husband. it's scary though, we'd used a condom, as far as i could tell it wasn't broken or anything. i'd spent 13 years trying to get pregnant with my ex, i know now it must have been his problem, not mine. now it appears i'm so fertile in my old age, i'm afraid my husband will look at me and i'll get pregnant *wry grin* i'll have to see the OB eventually to talk about better birth control options.

i still feel guilty. it's hard to explain. i just keep looking at my daughter and thinking, "she's here, she needs me" so it's hard to think of all the what ifs and could-have-beens. then i think how precious another person like her would be, and i feel angry that i'm not in a better marriage. then i kick myself for not making my 50% better. augh, i just keep going around in circles.

no temp. more pain today, but last time it waxed and waned also.

[JennInSeattle]

:hug Don't kick yourself, a cycle of guilt won't help. :love It's a day by day effort. I just lean on the Lord and commit the next day, the next moment to Him knowing that He'll help me control my toungue, temper, thoughts and heart.

I'm still praying for you, I want you to be happy and have a healthy marraige! :throb

And the desire for another child is really progammed into our bodies and minds, we were created that way - despite our circumstances. :love

[mama4gals]

Jenn, thanks for all the uplifting things you say. So many times I try to figure out everything for myself, and I worry about what is going to happen next. You have gently reminded me that I need to let God be in control (since He is anyway) and just do the next right thing. Thanks.

Also, I agree about it being programmed into us to want babies. I know in the early years of my marriage my husband didn't want to have more children because we were so poor. And I used to feel guilty that I secretly wanted more. Now I know that I am a normal healthy woman! I want children, lots of them! And it's okay, I'm suppposed to be like that, God made me like that. And as a blessing, my husband now has come to believe that children are a gift from God, and that we should accept them whenever they come. Ironically, I've had 4 m/c's since then.

Hugs to you all, esp. you mandalamama!

Liz