I lost my week old baby - cord prolapse

[Barcino]

I lost my second baby last week after a week at the NICU.
I am wondering if anybody has lost a baby after homebirth.
I still think that homebirth is a good option yet I was the statistic and the grief and guilt are there. I dont know if there are any groups dealing with this. I hope I am not the only one.

I miss my baby so very much. I know a cord prolapse could have been fatal in a hospital setting as well but I am going through the what ifs over and over... I am thankful for my faith in God that tells me that there is a reason for everything. Our little angel has already done so many wonderful things in our lives and I am thankful for the week that we did have him with us and for being able to be with him until the end. I am thankful too to have my DD at home to come back to and to have a reason to keep on going.

[Kathryn]

:Hug

[Patti Ann]

:hug I am so sorry for your loss. I think there are others here who have had losses after homebirths and they can give you some more advice. Try to be easy on yourself.

I lost my son Griffin on September 24th. He was stillborn at 35 4/7 weeks due to a true knot in his cord. Even though I know I could not have done anything to prevent this, I still have guilt. Maybe if I hadn't been running so much or if I hadn't gone on the boat he wouldn't have gotten himself all tangled up... I know this is not the case, but I still have those thoughts.

You made the best, most informed decision for your son. Accidents do happen. I am an L&D nurse and have seen cord prolapses in the hospital. I personally have never seen one that has ended in a neonatal death, but have seen babies with severe lifelong problems because of them. These were prolapses that occured with women already admitted to the hospital and the outcomes were still not perfect. Unfortunately these things happen sometimes and we don't know why.

I have seen many babies deliver fine with true knots in their cords. Sometimes even 2 knots. So that's why I keep asking why did my son pull his too tight and die? I will never have an answer to this.

There are many women here who will lend you your support through this difficult time. We are all here for you and for each other.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Patti

[Debstmomy]

No you are NOT alone. There are Mama's here that lost their babies at home births. I was planning a homebirth, but my baby died before labor. She was stillborn on 6/10/05.
I will share more later, I am exhausted from crying right now. But I could not post after reading your story & had to tell you YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Take Care, Mama.

[liseux]

:hug to you. I am so so sorry about your precious son.

You are not alone. I lost my son 3 years ago after severe shoulder dystocia in a homebirth. He was also my 2nd and he lived in the NICU for 7 weeks. I feel for you so much, I wish there was some way I could make this easier for you. I also felt horrible guilt and anger for a long time, but I know now that I had only the best intentions for my baby and yes, these things do happen in the hospital.

Please feel free to pm me anytime. Please be gentle with yourself, its all so new. I am so glad you felt the positive impact of your son in his time here. I felt the same way. That feeling never goes away, his life had meaning.

[milk4two]

Oh, mama, I am so sorry about the loss of your son. You are in my prayers.

[KittyKat]

My son was surprise footling breech. I was at home. His arms were over his head and he got stuck. My midwife also panicked, and that didn't help matters any. I don't blame her for what happened, but I acknowledge that she had a part in the whole series of events.

After it became clear that he was stuck, and the midwife had no idea what to do next, my husband made the decision to call 911. They rushed me to the ER, and got him out of me, but it was too late. They got his heart beating again, but his brain was too badly damaged and he was unable to breathe on his own.

We had several scans of his brain and several consultations with the leading neurology specialists in our city, and they all agreed that his brain was too badly damaged to recover from the injury and be albe to breathe on his own. We had to take him off the ventilator so he could pass gently.

It was the most horrible choice we ever had to face, but yet we felt peace that it was the right one.

I struggled with the whole homebirth thing for a while, but interestingly a friend of mine had just met a family who lost a baby to extremely similar circumstances. She was surprise footling breech, she had severe brain damage from oxygen deprivation, etc. The only difference was they had been at a hospital, and the hospital's insurance paid for them to take her home on a ventilator. She lived for 2 years in a vegetative state before her body finally shut down.

It's seriously freaky rare for babies to flip from vertex (head down, which I know for a FACT he was 2 days before labor started) to footling breech that late in pregnancy, and if it does happen the chances that things will end badly depend on the level of experience the caregiver has in dealing with breech births. Obviously my midwife did not have a proper level of experience to deal with a footling breech. Most doctors don't either because in med school they teach surgery, not what natural pregnancy and birth look like. The hospital midwife I am seeing now has done hundreds of breech births back before everyone got lawsuit-happy and c-section became the norm. I feel confident that IF the rare circumstance of turning during labor happened again, she would know how to handle the situation without panic and fear.

Anyways, I'm rambling now. I remember how horrid those first few weeks and months were, how I kept going for the sake of my other kids, even when I felt like I didn't know how I could face another day. I look back and see how far I've come. It's not easy, and the pain never goes away, but over time the good days start coming more often, and the bad days aren't quite as apt to knock the wind right out of you. You remember how to laugh, and are able to enjoy the moments of joy your living children bring you.

It sounds like you are already doing pretty well, being thankful for the time with him and for your DD. We too learned SO MUCH from our son the brief time he was with us.

Don't give in to the guilt. Looking backward at your choices only ends up sending you around in circles. You made the best decision for your family with the information you had, and looking backward won't change anything. I have had to repeat that over and over to myself, otherwise my mind would run away, second-guessing and what-iffing me into crazy town.

What is your son's name? Do you have any pictures of him?
If you don't mind, I'd like to be able to pray for you and your family by name...

Kathryn

[AngelBee]

:hug Barcino....I am so sorry for the loss of your child. :crying

You did nothing wrong. Please believe that. :hug

[wawap]

:Hug I am truly sorry for your loss....

[juicylucy]

I am so very sorry for your loss :(

[Cullens_Girl]

:Hug

so sorry for your loss.

[shannon0218]

I'm so sorry about your little one. :hug

[AllyRae]

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. :( We are here if and when you need to talk, vent, or cry.....

[HoosierDiaperinMama]

:hugs I'm so sorry for your loss, mama. :( My Reagan was born still on August 29th. I know the guilt and anger you are feeling, but please be gentle w/yourself. We're all here when you need to talk. :hugs

[taradt]

:Hug I am so sorry for your loss Mama

tara

[rn]

I am so sorry you are here with us.
go easy on yourself.

[Raven]

I am so sorry for your loss :hug

[egoldber]

I am so sorry for you loss. I did not have a homebirth, but I know the guilt and anger. Please be gentle with yourself. :hug

[Wugmama]

I am so sorry for your very sad loss of your beloved baby. :hug

We are planning a homebirth in January.

Love and compassion,
Tracy

[KYCat]

I am so sorry for your loss, mama. :hug :hug
The loss of a child is overwhelming and awful and everyone goes through many "what ifs", but please be gentle with yourself.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Peace.

[kazmir]

I am sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and hug your little girl :hug

[ebony]

:Hug I am so sorry for your loss. Please, please do not blame yourself. It is not your fault.

[Ben's Mommy]

I am so very sorry for your loss. The "what ifs" I know are all consuming. They are so hard to get out of your head. Try not to dwell on them as there will be no good that comes from that. I'm come to the terms that bad things happen to good people and we never know why. I didn't have a homebirth, but one in a hospital...leading to a c-sec...then to the NICU for only 24hrs before he passed away. So, as far as homebirth vs. hospital - either way, bad things can happen that we can't control. We will all be here for you to try and help you thru this sad time. :hug Please go easy on yourself.

[kalisis]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in our thoughts.

[mommaJ]

Hugs to you, mama. Please be gentle on yourself. Guilt does not empty yesterday of its reality, it empties today of its strength. You're in my prayers. :heartbeat

[abbyann]

I am so sorry for your loss. I know your pain all too well. I also lost my daughter to brain injury caused by a prolapsed cord. She lived for three weeks in the NICU, then we were able to have her home for two weeks.

I really wanted a homebirth, but for a lot of reasons it didn't end up working out so we opted for a hospital water birth. I ended up going into labor in the middle of the night, and while we were preparing to leave for the hospital my water broke and the cord was flushed out. We called 911 and were rushed to the hospital, but it was too late. In the back of my mind, I keep thinking what if we did plan for a home birth? Would the outcome have been different? Would an experienced midwife been able to hold the baby off the cord en route to the hospital? (The paramedics did nothing). I think no matter what choices or circumstances exist in these situations, you'll always wonder what if. It really made me realize that there are so many things that I just don't have control over, and for me that's been hard to accept.

Next week marks seven months since DD was born, and while I do still have unpredictable ups and downs, it does get easier. Please PM me anytime. No one should know this pain. It can be made even harder because a lot of people are uncomfortable with grief (especially regarding babies) and their reactions can come off as.. well.. surprising. Be gentle on yourself and take care.

[CherryBomb]

:Hug You aren't alone mama.

My daughter is, thankfully, alive, but we had a "failed" homebirth and she ended up in the NICU for 2 weeks and has severe brain damage. Her injury actually didn't have anything to do with where we birthed (as most don't!) but she has a blood clotting problem and had a stroke while I was pregnant. It was just luck/grace/a miracle/whatever that I stalled after 72 hours of labor and transfered, because she started having seizures shortly after her birth and was put on a ventilator.

I did and still do have "what if" thoughts. "What if I had done the triple screen? Would they have found out about her blood disorder? What if I had just had a repeat c-section? Would she have ever even had the blood clot? Was it because I was in labor so long?"

I don't know the answers now and probably never will. But I am coming to terms with my daughter's disability and our birth experience. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child, be gentle with yourself.

[butterfly_mom]

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your child. I lost my Bailee Elise August 27th to an infection that the doctors cannot figure out. It was one of those rare things that happen.

It has been a very long road. The guilt is what got me the worse along with the what ifs, asking why, and trying to understand what the hell happened. I've somewhat come to terms with knowing that I will never know what happened to my precious daughter. It is not meant to be for us to know why or what happened. Bad things happen to good people. I still sometimes into asking why and feeling guilty. I try to tell myself to stop. My counselor tells me it is not guilt, it is just missing my Bailee. So be gentle on yourself. Time will heal all wounds...God never gives you more than you can handle.

Your child's mission in life was to live inside your womb. Your baby learned everything she needed to know in life. Your baby's soul was so precious God needed her soul back in heaven. Take comfort in knowing that your baby only felt love, unconditional love, from family and especially her mom. Your baby's soul is always with you and always in your heart...

There are a lot of women who can offer their support here. Everyone is wonderful. Feel free to PM when you feel you need to talk. I'm there for your... Remember you can get through this!

-liz

[Breathless Wonder]

I'm very sorry for your loss. :hug

[BumbleBena]

I'm sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts. :hug

[wheezie]

I am so sorry for your loss. The "what ifs" are awful. Please be gentle w/ yourself. Many prayers for you and your family. :crying