dealing with threats from 3 y.o.

[chiedza]

My 3 y.o. DS has recently started threatening me with things like,

"If you don't do x, I'm going to hit you."
"If you don't do x, you can't come to my next birthday party."
"If you don't do x, I'm not going to like you anymore."

etc.

I admit the birthday party one is kind of funny, but not in the moment. I assume he's picking some of this up at his new preschool, but regardless of the source I'm not sure how to deal with it. So far I've just ignored it except for the hitting threat to which I respond, "We don't hit in our family." Usually once he's calmed down he will apologize for saying that, but it doesn't stop him when he's upset.

I'd love to hear any suggestions about how to react in a way that teaches him the inappropriateness of saying these things.

[annab]

Do you frame situations that way? With my three year old, I am painfully aware that a lot of his back talk is truly that--repeating back to me what he has heard from me. That is another reason, IMO, not to threaten--they will use it against you! :)

I think you are handling it well. "You may not hit mommy. It hurts me." "You may invite whomever you choose to your party." (Though it would be tempting to throw in "fine, who do you think is going to make your cake, you little ingrate?" :LOL ) "You don't have to like me, but you still have to X"

I typically don't even respond, and just stay on message. If he is threatening in response to a request, I just repeat what needs to be done. "Hang up your jacket." "If you don't stop saying those words (DS's favorite phrase right now), I will bite you." "Hang up your jacket." He gets no response from me over the threat, and the overall game plan does not change. He can vent, but he still has to hang up the jacket. I try to throw in a "You may not speak to me that way; hang up your jacket" now and then so that he knows that I am not cool with his attitude, but that he can still protest as long as it gets done.

HTH!

[chiedza]

Do you frame situations that way?
No way! I know what you mean, though. Another of his favorites lately is, "If you don't do x, you're not listening to me" and that I know is because DH and I often say, "You're not listening very well" when we ask or tell him to do something and he doesn't. So I must now ban that from my vocabulary because he seems to think that "listening"=doing whatever is desired. And if I don't fulfill his every desire then I'm not listening!

I think you are handling it well. "You may not hit mommy. It hurts me." "You may invite whomever you choose to your party." "You don't have to like me, but you still have to X"

I typically don't even respond, and just stay on message. If he is threatening in response to a request, I just repeat what needs to be done. "Hang up your jacket." "If you don't stop saying those words (DS's favorite phrase right now), I will bite you." "Hang up your jacket." He gets no response from me over the threat, and the overall game plan does not change. He can vent, but he still has to hang up the jacket. I try to throw in a "You may not speak to me that way; hang up your jacket" now and then so that he knows that I am not cool with his attitude, but that he can still protest as long as it gets done.
Thanks; that is helpful. But what about situations where it's not that I want him to do something, but rather that he wants me to do something. (Tonight it was something completely irrational. At bedtime he decided that he wants lots of packages in the mail (only got ONE today! the world is coming to an end!) and if I don't give him more packages RIGHT NOW, then he's going to hit me. And then when I didn't want to hold his hand while he fell asleep (we're working on him going to sleep on his own, though I'm still sitting right next to him) then I couldn't come to his birthday party.

(Though it would be tempting to throw in "fine, who do you think is going to make your cake, you little ingrate?" :LOL )
Exactly!

[Mizelenius]

I think so much of a 3 y.o.'s life is about control. I think they get overwhelmed with it-- being on the receiving AND giving end. I'd get to the root of what your DS is saying . . .like with the hitting . . .maybe saying something like, "You seem frustrated, but I can't let you hit me." And then I'd LISTEN. (I'm trying to LISTEN a lot more-- to EVERYONE!) I'd focus on HIS feelings. I tend to want to tell DD how I'D feel if she hit me/didn't like me/didn't invite me instead of realizing she needs me to listen to HER feelings.

[gaialice]

My 3 y.o. DS has recently started threatening me

Yeah, my 4 you does the same. I really cannot stand that kind of language. I NEVER do that to her, so why would she do that to me?!!! So, every time, I ignore her original request and I just say, please, I never tell you things like "If you do x, I will do Y, so please do not say things like that to me. I really do not like it" What I would like to hear is "Please mommy.... ". Last time, she said her dad does that to her, and I said, well, I am not your daddy. At this point she normally re-formulates her request in a more polite way but ... not always.... I think insisting on asking politely is important. Of course, it is not that by asking politely she will get all she wants. Once^her request has been reformulated, we discuss it.

[chiedza]

Of course, it is not that by asking politely she will get all she wants. Once^her request has been reformulated, we discuss it.
Well, this is part of the problem here. Sometimes the thing he wants is just not allowed no matter how he asks, which is what leads him to threaten. So if I focus on how he's asking, he gets the impression that he can get if he just ask nicely. But even the asking nicely isn't getting him what he wants, so things just spiral into tantrums and more mean threats!

[HunnyBunnyMummy]

What happens if you try indulging him on the idea of what he wants? For example, he wants more packages now, maybe say: "Yeah, packages are fun, aren't they? I'd love to have 10 new packages right now. And the biggest one would be full of chocolate chip cookies. What about you?" Or about holding your hand, "It is comforting to hold hands. You'd like to feel close to me right now, right?"

And about threatening, I do remember kids saying these sorts of things in school. I think a part of it is about learning how to hurt other people's feelings (or, in other words, learning how feelings get hurt). It sounds like you are responding perfectly, I'd give it time.

[mammastar2]

:yeah:

Also, depending on the situation, you may want to say something like "Wow, those are pretty big feelings you're having. You sound really angry right now. It's not ok to hit mommy when you're angry, but you can hit your pillow/kick your ball/yell. That will let those angry feelings out."

[chiedza]

Thanks for the ideas! The "granting the wish through fantasy" is something I'd read about a long time ago and then forgotten. I'll have to try it tonight -- I'm sure I'll have the opportunity!