Postpartum Support Circle

[annakiss]

This thread is for all postpartum mamas (even if it's a long time since your birth) who could use some support, whether it's because of clinical PPD or not. First, please introduce yourself and tell a little about why you're here. Please check back in to help show support for others and to let us know how you're doing!

I'll go first.

I'm Anna, mom to Sebastian, who was born May 29th. I had a homebirth that was fine at the time, but which I am still to some degree processing. My husband is a PhD student, so while he's home a ton, he's hardly ever really present because his brain is so focused on reading Foucault or whatever it is he's doing. But I do have a lot of help from him. I'm a SAHM, btw. I have an older son who is 3 and our intention is to unschool, so we are always together.

My DH has allowed me plenty of time to get away with just the baby lately though, so that's good. I go to Border's to read and eat chocolate several times a week, I have occassional mommy meetings that I attend, and I go out with my one girlfriend every Wednesday. I do take the baby with me to all of these outings, however, since I am nursing. He's 4 1/2 months old, but the 2 times I left him with DH for a short time didn't really work out terribly well, so now I'm just committed to not doing it.

I have been having spurts of depression here and there since Sebastian was born. I dealt with depression a fair amount before I had children, so I'm pretty good at recognizing it and even have the bizarre sensation of watching myself slip into it. I have had some really bad days here and there. Last Tuesday, I was slipping rapidly, yelling ferociously at my poor 3yo, crying, and finally my husband came home and things got much better. Since then, I've started back on my vitamins, my flax seed oil and evening primrose oil, and it seems to be helping. Also, I'm getting more sleep than I had done the night before that. It seems to be helping a great deal and this morning I feel great. I was looking at my sons thinking how much I love them. So that gave me the idea that it might be good to have a little circle to help in the effort to keep myself in check and that others might benefit from it as well.

So to join here, you can be in any state, needing any amount of support. Welcome all. :love

[FancyD]

I'd love to join! My son is almost 9 months old, and I just realised that I have PPD. It's been pretty hellish around here lately, so I'm glad I went to the dr. and dp and I are doing better.
Ds didn't get enough oxygen during birth, and went into seizures the next day. He ended up being transferred to the NICU here in town(awesome! hospital), drugged into a coma for 3 days to stop the seizures, EEGs, the whole shebang. 8 days in the NICU, and then transferred to an intermediate care hospital until he learned how to suck-6 days there. 2 weeks later, he stopped breathing in my arms. Therse's no wait in emerg when you tell them that your baby isn't breathing. Turns out he had a nasty case of RSV, and spent a week in the hospital. It took another 3 weeks until he was better. He was put on phenobarbital until he was 4 months old, and we got a normal EEG. Breastfeeding was limited due to his brain insult and the oral aversion he picked up from being intubated and suctioned so much. He would only bf at night, while asleep and stopped doing that at about 5.5 months. :(
Dp works in the oil business, so isn't around much to help, and my friends evaporated after I had the baby. No wonder I'm depressed! Glad to see this thread, it's very timely.

[twindaze]

I have PPD as well, my baby is 17 months. I've had PPD with every pregnancy, so 3 times now. REally, I think that the depression is pretty permanent at this time although I did go off meds shortly before and during my last pregnancy. I went back on them 2 weeks before my due date and had THE BEST postpartum period ever. I highly recommend treating the upcoming PPD like that, there was none of the trauma that I'd had the first two times.

[CRISSY]

Ya all probably read my ppd thread as time goes by so you probably know just how severe my depression was and still is. I'm a 26 year old sahm with 2 dd 3 yrs old and 11 mths. I've been married for three years. We just bought our first house this year Yay. But really stressful. We struggle to get by money wise but we manage. I seem to be doing pretty good lately but I've come to terms I can't say that too loud. I never know what tomorrow will bring. So I take ever single day in stride. Never taking nothing for granted. The smell of there breath or their hair, the curiosity, the innocents, the sound of their foot steps or their voice. the way they look at me when they are scared or hurt, or just out of utter joy when I walk through the door. These things I take for granted if I hear, smell, watch, and observe. I realize how much I have to be thankful for. Wonderful healthy loving happy girls. Instead of dwelling on my ppd I have to over come it. For my children I will over come it...I'm here for you momma's I now how it feels. I'll have your back when your down if you'll have mine. Love this thread hopefully it gets going..
Lots of Love
Crissy

[annakiss]

Is anyone on meds? I'm finding the omega-3 supplements and evening primrose oil to be quite effective, along with just keeping on top of how I'm feeling and discussing it with DH. I take 2 flax seed oils, one evening primrose, one prenatal vitamin, and one B vitamin, alternating what I have every other day which is a B6 and a B complex (I don't know, but being a veggie Bs are important. I have 'em figure it won't hurt). Just doing that has helped my mood tremendously, as well as staying active and as I said, talking about how I'm doing with friends and DH.

I'm fairly isolated where I live because my family is far away and I haven't lived here long, so I don't have super close relationships with friends who I see often, but I do talk to my online friends frequently and keep in close contact with my family. It helps a lot. The only thing that would be better is if we actually had roots where we lived and were able to build real community. Such is the life of Dh being a student. *sigh*

Please check in!!!

[FancyD]

I've started taking vitamins, and am going to start taking omega-3's asap. Mostly just being aware of the depression is a great help, as I'm not so caught up in the up-down cycle. Dp has been much more helpful, taking baby swimming once a week. Yeah, that's a HUGE difference in his involvement. It's too bad I had to pack my bags to get him to pitch in, but it did the trick. He's also much more kind to me, so things are starting to look up! Hope everyone is doing well. :love

[CRISSY]

So did you mamas hear about that mother who threw her children into the San Fran bay. What a nightmare!!! From what I hear she suffered from ppd and schizophrenia. I have to say that was my nightmare during my ppd. I use to wake up in cold sweat and crying. That was a very difficult time for me. I'm so thankful I spoke to my children's pediatrician. I asked for help. Those poor baby's I wish someone could have helped them before it got to that point. My hart goes out to them and they are in my prayer. When I hear something like that I hug my girls a little longer and tighter.
So how are you mommas doing I hope everyone is hanging in there.
FancyD so how's it going you have to let me know how the vitamins and omega goes I'm also glad to hear how great your husband is being. My best friend is my husband I don't think I truly realized it tell he supported and helped me through my ppd. One of my fears with my ppd was having him look at me like a psychico mom. I am so thankful to have him. I'm so happy to hear your doing good.
lots of love

[RedWine]

I'm not sure I have ppd, but I think I do. THings have deteriorated rapidly within the last two weeks. I have an appointment on Monday night with a therapist.

I am losing my ability to concentrate for any length of time. My temper is short. I'm always tired, but I do get a lot of sleep. I have two beautiful, relatively well-behaved little girls but cannot seem to enjoy them lately. I am always annoyed with my oldest, just for being a little girl. This afternoon I lost my temper and screamed in her face. I immediately called my husband at work and told him about it, he came home and they are at a playground right now. Baby is asleep on my lap. Dd1 seems okay, she knows what I did was wrong and I've apologized. But still...this is NOT how I want to behave!! I am trying so hard to use GD. I spent much of today crying for no apparent reason. I just want everyone to go away so I can curl up on the bed for a while.

Anyway, I have an appointment on Monday night. I am not opposed to drugs, I will do whatever I need to do, I do not like being like this, this is not healthy for anyone. I love my children very much, and we were having a great time up until a couple of weeks ago. I don't know who I am right now.

[UrbanEarthMama]

I have been severely depressed since the birth of my 2.5yo son. We had a planned homebirth turn into a traumatic transfer with c-section, I felt the surgery and severely hemorraged and my son born with apgars of 1 and 1 needing full recussitation. I had a bitch of a doctor who cut me without telling me and without caring how I was. Needless to say, as a survivor of sexual assault, my birth felt like a violation and triggered all of my rape history. For the past 2.5 years I have been a mess. I have tried fasting, herbs, dietary changes, therapy, exercise, mothers groups, even anti-depressants but I haven't gotten very far into healing. I am rather desperate.

I do have therapy once a week. I also get massage once a month and accupuncture bi-weekly. Recently I stopped the family bed so I could get better rest, though I continue to nurse my toddler. I've stopped the anti-depressants (after only 2 months) not because they didn't take away the anxiety but because I couldn't live with the thoughts of what it might be doing to my son through my breastmilk.

My husband and I had wanted another child much sooner than now and I am feeling pressure to move forward...my age is slowly creeping up on me! But I am terrified that my body and mind are still so totally out of whack and I don't know what I would do if the depression took over again, especially with two young ones.

I think I do a pretty good job of mothering through my depression - saving my meltdowns for times when my son is well occupied and loved elsewhere. But I don't feel like a whole woman. I feel like the shell of who I once was and this surprises me because the love I feel for my son is the most amazing thing I have ever known...shouldn't I be better and stronger and more focused because of this amazing gift I've been given? Why did motherhood make me so broken and insecure?

I would do nearly anything to feel better at this point but I just don't know what the solution is. I feel as though I am searching for the Holy Grail or seeking at least a magical elixir or some rare snake oil to cure me. All to no avail. Anyone else feel this way? Anyone else successful in moving beyond this place? What was your answer? Please share!

[georgia]

UEM, :hug Have you seen any of Dr. Thomas Hale's books or articles about medications and breastfeeding? He discusses weighing the benefit to the mother of antidepressants to treat PPD vs. the very small amount of drug that is transferred to baby w/many SSRIs. A healthy mom is really paramount---you deserve to feel better. If one medication didn't work for you, there are a variety of others that might work better...I can find some links for you if you'd be interested. I'm not a huge proponent of pharmaceuticals, but they certainly have their place when used judiciously (and for a great cause). I'm certainly not trying to push drugs here...just wanted to throw that out there.

I've suffered from PPD after each of my births. With my last baby (and I do mean last :(), it's been really hard b/c I have two other little ones, and no one seems to all sleep at the same time. And two small people needing my care, attention, laundry and cleaning services :) All I want is a nap. I stay up waaaay too late, dreading the next day. And the cycle continues. I'm starting therapy up again this Tuesday :thumb. At least by now, I know when I need help. I wish I'd gotten help w/my first. Anyway, here I am.

[CRISSY]

Red whine I do feel the same way you do. I have to believe in my hart there will be an end to my madness. Things have gotten much better with the anti depressants but I too wish there was something that will just make it stop. I could be the person I was before the loving, caring, full of energy, and eager for my day to start vs. end. I believe things will get better and somehow this will make me a better person. Maybe this is happening for a reason. Maybe there is some higher being up there. Maybe through my exp. I could help or relate to someone that is on the edge like I was. I do look at my children differently I appreciate every surge of love every good day and not take it for granted. At night I lay down and think of things that went good instead of dwelling on the bad. It's hard it's a lot easier to say but I'm trying. I will not give up there's just gotta be a end to the madness.
Urbanearthmoma Take things slow if your not ready to have a baby don't. Only you knows what you can handle. I would worry about being pressured into having himorher. If you do you might resent the baby and the fact that you had himorher. I agree with Georgia look deeper into the anti depressants before ruling them out. I've been taking them for about a year 1/2 and I have to believe that I'm a better mother for it. Not taking them was more damaging to them then taking them. I pray everyday that there will not be a side effect to my dd2#. So far there is none. It does sound like your a loving mom because I know how hard it is to save those melt downs when the kids aren't around. You have also seeked help that's awesome that proves right there that you are all about your kids you go momma.
lots of love
crissy

[UrbanEarthMama]

It occurred to me that I should probably clarify my thoughts on taking antidepressants. I don't want to appear judgemental or critical in this case. It is such a difficult and important choice.

I started taking them this past March when my son turned 2. I chose to explore this route after much research and feeling pretty badly. Plus, my son was nursing less and less so I felt better about the milk containing drugs. (Btw, I did research on Dr. Hale's site, with my ped, my therapist, etc...) And, like some of you, I came to the conclusion that my mental health was a priority and the drugs seemed safe enough - considering that most of us here don't like to take an aspirin and want the most natural things for ourselves and children. Given my (our) preference for the natural way - choosing pharmaceuticals was a heartfelt and well-researched decision. And I still believe it can be the best route. My problem was that my depression has an anxiety factor that was not helped with my drug (lexapro) and I spent all night wakeful obsessing on what it might do to my son. Obviously the drug wasn't really helping much because of this! Not to mention the drug made me feel spinny and made me gain 8 pounds in the 2+ months I took it. 8 pounds I worked hard to get rid of! Since a significant factor in my depression is a lack of connection with my body, feeling out of control through side effects and the unknown future factor for my son, I freaked out and quit taking them. I suppose if it doesn't get better, I could try another drug but the trial and error period really scares me. How long/how many drugs did it take for some of you to figure out the right drug and dosage?
Thanks.

[twindaze]

I I suppose if it doesn't get better, I could try another drug but the trial and error period really scares me. How long/how many drugs did it take for some of you to figure out the right drug and dosage?
Thanks.

For me, I knew already that Zoloft worked, I'd taken it in the past for some unrelated issues. Since there was great research done that Zoloft barely entered breastmilk and was undetectabl in the breastfed babies, I felt good about taking it and it worked. The only problem is that over time it kind of wears off and quits working, I mean it takes at least a couple of years. Prozac works somewhat for me and Wellbutrin works well, honestly, they all help with depression, it's more the side effects that make me go off ot them, Paxil is one example. There was another one I couldn't tolerate, can't recall the name, but I knew immediately as it made me very anxious, like I'd OD"d on caffeine.

So I wouldn't worry so much about the trial and error period, that's been pretty painless for me. As far as the effects on your child, all I can tell you is that I breastfed twins for 4.5 years all the time taking anti-depressants, mostly Zoloft, and they are perfect now.

[shell024]

I cried through reading this whole thread. I am almost 21, and Every is about 8 weeks old. Throughout pregnancy, I was terrified of ppd and spoke to DP about it and told him that I'd need a lot of his support, since I have NO family or friends even remotely nearby. Well go figure, he SWORE he'd be there for me for anything...but I don't think he ever GOT it. He is gone frequently for work (his last job was 3 weeks long!) and it really makes me lonely. I am torn sometimes, because I enjoy the fact that I can clean the house ONCE and it'll stay that way for a week, and I only have to feed myself (ds is bf). BUT I go into these emotional spirals and feel conflicted feelings of things always going wrong, nothing will ever be the same, when will I ever get to be ME again, when will DP stop being insensitive/unthoughtful/oblivious/a GUY, but I just am in LOVE with my son. DP has also been making me feel a little pressured to have sex again (I haven't felt ready yet...I think I am still healing down there and inside)...I think he feels jealous of the baby sometimes, because he is always put first. DP will be kissing me and iterrupted by someone who wants his diaper changed/to be fed...and he'll make some dumb comment like "okay, go to your REAL boyfriend now"... WTF??! I've told him that I want our intimacy to resume normal too, but its just NOT REALITY. *sigh* I'm just having a really hard day today, so stressed and have spent most of it crying and hugging ds. I live in SanFrancisco and that story of that mother just made me cry some more. I think the eldest was 6 or something :( Sometimes I wonder if I just let DP run things the way he wants to and am just complying with his way. I feel so anxious to have my body back, my life back, but I wouldn't give my son back for anything. I get these visions when I'm carrying ds around "OMG what if I somehow dropped him and his head hit something and he just died???" and those visions are driving me crazy! Like, I know I would never do anything like that, but I hear about those accidents you know, and just get worried that it might be us one day. I really can't afford therapy of any kind, and have had bad experiences with those "free counseling" groups, and never even considered that what I am feeling/experiencing is ppd... so here I am.

[shell024]

I think I do a pretty good job of mothering through my depression - saving my meltdowns for times when my son is well occupied and loved elsewhere. But I don't feel like a whole woman. I feel like the shell of who I once was and this surprises me because the love I feel for my son is the most amazing thing I have ever known...shouldn't I be better and stronger and more focused because of this amazing gift I've been given? Why did motherhood make me so broken and insecure?
I feel very similar. :hug

[CRISSY]

Shell024 My hart goes out to you. The fact that your man isn't there does make it very difficult. I too had isue to get intamant with my man the idea was just scary with bolth of my kids. You don't think about it but you just had major trama to your body mentaly as well as physically not to many people think of it that way. I had more sympathy and carring when I got my tonsles out. And my husband is vary compationet. I don't know your story holds alot of truth thankyou for sharring.
lots of love
crissy

[FancyD]

shell, my dp was very much the same. I don't think men GET IT, yanno? I mean, how can they? Dp got a lot better as time went on, and he realised what a good mom I am and came to support my parenting decisions. Well, it helped that I told him when he was going to do any parenting, he could then criticise MY parenting. He passed.
Feeling better myself, I think the vitamins are helping a bit. A little Rescue Remedy doesn't hurt either! :rainbow

[UrbanEarthMama]

Hi Shell. Since you said you felt pretty isolated and all alone, I wanted to mention that I live just an hour north of you and maybe we could get together? I happen to have a good support system nearby for me and my son and have been in this depression place a while so I feel like I might have something to offer you...In my own small ways! I come into SF every Tuesday and sometimes on Thursday. If you want to get together for lunch or coffee one day, it would be my treat! Email me personally if you'd like.
I'm at brooke70@comcast.net

peace.

[shell024]

oh mamas, thank you so much...i've never had like, an "understanding" response to the way I feel. I can never figure out when it's hormones/just me/or both... It's like I'm staring at this little boy crying tears of joy because he is the most beautiful being I've ever met and have never loved anoyone so genuinely and unconditionally before...but why is this general "gloom" hanging over my head????????????????????????????? It just doesn't make sense most days, which I guess is why it gets me so emotional. UrbanEarthMama, I'd love to get together, I'll email you.
FancyD, rescue remedy has worked sometimes for me too :)
CRISSY, MEN... :irked: :nut :scratch :confused: :shrug :hammer :eyesroll :cuss
I really think my ppd is sporadic and unpredictable...some days I'm just so cheery and you'd never guess how miserable I'd be feeling in a couple hours...usually late at night, especially if DP isn't around. Like its so easy to play "schizo" or something. I find that when I somehow find motivation to get things together (my appearance, the house, my mood, my diet) things are WaAAAAAAAY better. Usually, that is someone else visiting, or something that I really have to look forward to. Then I get motivated to make things look good, yk? Do you ever feel like that? Almost like you want to impress someone, but it ends up feeling good and being of use?? Like hey, "maybe I should try this attitude more often".

[CRISSY]

I'm the same way when I have a specific plan to do something or have someone over. I have something to concentrate other then my ppd. Today my sister in law is coming over to do my hair. I'm going to get a perm Ahhh am I crazy. I just hate looken like crap it makes me even more depressed. So the past couple days I've been doing my makeup and getting dressed in nice cloths sometimes just doing that makes me feel more self worth and confident. Before I had kids my appearance was so important to me. It hasn't been in so long I forgot how nice it is to be feminine and attractive. I'll let you know how my perm goes. Keep your heads up mommas and keep laughing.
lots of love
crissy

[RedWine]

Today is so bad. I have my first therapist appointment tonight at 6. My daughter is downstairs, I don't want to play with her, I'm tired of my baby. Yesterday I was on top of the world and brimming over with love and enthusiasm for both of them. Today, I want them both to go away and leave me alone.

I will call my husband soon and ask him to come home early (again).

[FancyD]

:heartbeat RW. Good luck at the therapist, it'll probably feel good to vent some. Thinking of you all... :heartbeat

[shell024]

RedWine... :throb Yes, do something nice for yourself, a hot bath or some take out food of your choice. Do your kids know the "play dead" game?? :p

[shell024]

Yesterday was great! My best friend's brother & his girlfriend were coming over, so I woke up, played with ds, cooked some breakfast, took a shower, got dressed in my favorite outfit (the one i fit!), put makeup on, cleaned the house, took care of the garden, did laundry AND drank a beer before they arrived. WHEW. My spirits & motivation were finally UP THERE. It felt so good to have a to-do list and actually feel EXCITED about getting through it...plus looking forward to some company---an outside perspective on everything. They were great too, took me out to dinner, had a drink or two, commented on what a great mom I am with ds (that means a lot to me as a young first-time mom!! I feel like everyone just judges me when they take even one glance at me and ds.)... Then I talked to DP last night and for ONCE wasn't just a gloomy voice on the other line trying to get some sympathy from him and make him feel guilty for not being there. We had a nice talk and the convo ended good too. I went to sleep with a smile on my face. (I also took my vitamins yesterday...I LOVE THEM...I notice a big ol difference...plus drank lots of water, ate healthy food, and did my t-tapp workout. I think the exercise boosted my energy WAY up).

I was on a roll yesterday! Sooo....my schedule is nowhere near the same today, but lets see if I can just keep my spirits up. I woke up, still in a pretty good mood. Gonna do my t-tapp workout when I get my butt off the internet! :flipped
Wishing all you mamas the best. I agree with CRISSY, keep on laughing! :D

[FancyD]

Yay shell! Nothing like a good day to lift one's spirits, eh? Yeah, I'm Canadian


Do your kids know the "play dead" game?? :p

HA! my dad used to play "Dummie's Meeting" with us, and the first kid to talk, lost. It took a while for us to figure out!

p.s. "Dummie" as in mannequin, not stupid. Irish parents...

[annakiss]

I'm so glad to see everyone coming to support one another! :love

It's very important to keep our spirits up! Make time for yourself here and there and do as little as you can get by with on bad days.

RedWine, good luck at the therapist. I hope they turn out to be good. It sounds like you need some help with mood regulating. It all unspirals so quickly, doesn't it? Are you taking any supplements? (I know I keep pushing these, but they just do so much for me!) :hug

[CRISSY]

Redwine breath and exhale that was what my first therapist said to me. Didn't like her one bit that was her solution close your eyes and emagine theres a stop sighn and it will stop all those bad feeling and thoughts. She was totally not the therapist for me. The next day I made an apt. with another. I bonded with her totally make sure you find or have found the right one. I agree with the others take time for your self do what you gotta do.

[shell024]

Usana

[shell024]

it has saved me. (or just really helped BIG TIME)

[UrbanEarthMama]

In addition to EFA's and a good multi-vitamin, I have found that the herbal compound 'Cinnamon Harmony' by Touch of Sun Herbs is a great mood tonic for me. No, it is not strong like antidepressants but it sure can help smooth me out - sometimes even better than Rescue Remedy. Also, the homeopathic Pulsatilla can help too. So I just thought I'd offer these as a few resources to research.

[Gale Force]

I get these visions when I'm carrying ds around "OMG what if I somehow dropped him and his head hit something and he just died???" and those visions are driving me crazy! Like, I know I would never do anything like that, but I hear about those accidents you know, and just get worried that it might be us one day.

Michelle,

This is a very common symptom in PPD, particularly with obsessive compulsive disorder. But the deaths you hear about in the news are usually women suffering from postpartum psychosis. The big difference between us and women with PPP is that we know that these visions are wrong and not us. I can't tell you how many times I had visions of dropping or throwing my son, or my own death or mutation in various ways. So, the fact that you know it's wrong even though you are thinking it is a very good sign.

I'm glad you are doing better.

Amanda

[Gale Force]

Do your kids know the "play dead" game?? :p

Or the "tag mama and then run around the house tagging various pieces of furniture before coming back to tag mama who is lying on the couch" game.

[Gale Force]

RedWine -- I hope today turned out better than expected.


I will call my husband soon and ask him to come home early (again).

My mom stayed with us for weeks to "monitor" me and then left for a two week trip. As she left she told my husband "if you need me, you call." He called about a half an hour later, she stayed for several more months and then bought the house across the street.

Life was on hold for a long time, and I know it was hard for my husband in those days, but there really isn't any choice. And there is no such thing as "equitable" in all of this. We pay in our way, partners and family pay in their way.

Amanda

[CRISSY]

Gale Force you sound that you know what your talking about thankyou for giving me the reasures that I'm not no psyco baby killer I question myself with the thoughts I have but like you said I do know there wrong. I love my children so so much. I beat myself up over it. Even if it was a thought I had a year ago. I can't forgive myself and I find myself dwelling over it. My mom also is a great advocate for me. She lives next door. She didn't realize how bad it was tell I let her read my thread As time goes by with ppd. I told her over and over again how bad I was feeling but I would never showed it with my children or my daily life. I wasn't the one how stayed in bed all day or cryed I just tocked it away inside. Even though my mind and body was feeling like I was going to explode. I'm curious to ask are you a success story did you get through it, How long did you go through it, and how do you feel now. Thankyou so much!
lots of love
crissy

[FancyD]

When I started to think about slicing myself up, I knew there was something wrong. I was told that it's pretty common for new moms to become morbid, seeing as they deal w/ beginning and sustaining life. A Yin-Yang kinda thing. So if you add ppd to the mix, I suppose those thoughts will worsen. But you're not alone in them, and knowing that it would be wrong to harm yourself or baby is a sign of sanity, in my books. My worry was sharing that I had/have these thoughts w/ dp. Too afraid he would use that info against me, not understanding what was going on. So I just decided that some things weren't meant to be shared w/ him, and I foud other outlets.

:throb to all of us today!
FD

[Gale Force]

I'm curious to ask are you a success story did you get through it, How long did you go through it, and how do you feel now. Thankyou so much!
lots of love
crissy

Crissy -- I think I am a work-in-progress success story. It's a long, long, long story with a lot of details, but the end of the story is that I found out why I was depressed and I am fixing it. It's very empowering. I have changed my life in a fundamental way as a result of the process I went through.

The depression began in early pregnancy (Fall 2001) and hit badly at about 30 weeks in pregnancy. i got a Zoloft starter kit and then got cold feet. I ended up at a homeopath who helped take the edge off until delivery. I totally sheltered myself -- no phone, no email. I couldn't handle one iota bit of uncertainty. My family didn't leave me by myself but they gave me space. I wasn't suicidal. As I told my midwife "there's no way I can take myself out without hurting the baby, so we're safe with suicide." That's when she gave me the medication. LOL. I didn't put that together until recently.

And the story goes on and on. Difficult birth, breastfeeding, screaming baby, etc. 6 months postpartum it got very bad again. I talked to my primary care doc who said "medication will just cover the symptoms, all women have hormonal shifts, but not all get depressed. Why are you depressed?" I actually left angry at him but his question nagged at my. The chiro agreed. Neither of them knew how bad my case was because I didn't give them full information. The doc probably would have given me meds to get me through. I should ask him.

I spent 18 months under various tests for toxiticities, allergies, and deficiencies and I had them all. As we identified one, I would make changes and I would feel better, but not entirely well. I cut out corn because of a corn allergy, I went on a candida diet, a cleanse for uranium (of all things), added Bs and essential fatty acids. Over time, I did feel better but still had pretty strong down cycles. In Feb 2004 I started on amino acids and BINGO it was like night and day. Aminos are very important in brain chemistry. Tryptophan, for instance,is the precursor to serotonin (as in selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors-- SSRIs like Zoloft). I have felt very good ever since starting on the aminos.

Why I am a case in progress is that I am still taking the aminos. My new chiro says that it's not that my diet is deficient, but that I am not absorbing it properly. He says there is still an underlying deficiency that's affecting my digestion. When that's fixed, I'll stop the supplementation. But in the meantime, they have save my life. I posted something about it in this forum and linked to a thread in Health and Healing that I started back in February of 2004.

Overall, I would say that the depression took about 3 years of my life. It would have been shorter had I had access to better resources from the beginning, but I was not in the position to read or advocate for myself, so the search happened in fits and cycles.

Amanda

[CRISSY]

Thank you so much for the story Gale Force it really makes me think what I could be having issues with. I'm sure I have a deficiency somewhere. I'm curious to ask could a thyroid issue be causing my depression. I came up with thyroid issues when I was pregnant with dd1. It corrected it self after I delivered. With second dd I told the ob she would not test me I asked several times because I had all the signs and my thyroid swollen now I have no ins. I'm curious if my thyroid could be causing all this any feedback would be helpful.
lots of love
crissy

[Gale Force]

I'm curious to ask could a thyroid issue be causing my depression. I came up with thyroid issues when I was pregnant with dd1.

Absolutely, positively yes. It is a classic and widely accepted cause of depression. Surely you have some recourse without insurance. Maybe post on Talk Amongst Ourselves for advice on that one.

[Gale Force]

Crissy -- there must also be some inexpensive things to add to your diet to help ASAP. I'll look into it.

[Gale Force]

Crissy,

Here's a good thread for you (http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=341728&highlight=thyroid)

And here's a whole list as you have time to read:

search (http://www.mothering.com/discussions/search.php?searchid=1317071)

There are some really wise women who post in Health and Healing, so post questions there -- it gets a lot more traffic than we do here.

Amanda

[CRISSY]

Thank you so much Gale Force I can't express how much this means to me I definitely will explore my options and look in to my thyroid more carefully it could be the cause of a lot of my problem. I don't want to get my hopes up that some drug or herb will poof make things all better but it would be nice. All I can do is look into it keep my head up try to laugh and pray that there will be better days. I'll let you know what the out come is. Thank you...........
lots of love
crissy
PS. Hows everyone coping the threads been quiet!!!

[FancyD]

I've been doing really well. I don't feel like I'm being ground down so much. I've been taking a multi-vitamin, magnesium/calcium, and evening primrose (thanks annakiss!). It's quite amazing, the difference I feel. Hope you are all doing ok, much love to you all!

[RedWine]

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

I've been on Zoloft for two days, and the difference is amazing. I feel so much better already. My anger is really curbed, and I am able to parent more in the way I would like.

I hope you all are doing well. FancyD, I am so glad you are feeling so much better. Supplements are great for many people.

[CRISSY]

Redwine that's awesome to hear your doing better on Zoloft I've been on it for over a year. I went off it twice and I hit bottom. The past 8 mths I've had to bump it up. I've finally settled on 100 mg it sounds like a lot but from what I understand a normal dosage is 100 - 200 mg so any lower really didn't effect me. That sucked cause all that time I could have been a lot happier. I can't believe how expensive it is with no ins. but I do what I gotta do and take it faithfully. What dosage are you on? It does take awhile to really get in your system but at the same time sociology just taking it the first few weeks makes you feel better. So I'm sure you will really be a lot calmer and feel it in a couple of weeks so don't let it discourage you rather make it encourage you.
I also want to add the down fall of it was my libido really sucked for the past year I'm just now getting back but I was at a point I would have sacrificed anything to get my ability to be a good mom and wife so it did out way the side effect.. My husband tolerated ha ha. I'm so happy your doing good let me know how it goes I'm here for you.
FancyD I'm so glad to hear your doing well keep up the good days and thank you for sharing your story it's hard to admit you have had those thoughts I know because I've had them thank you thank you thank you I'm not alone.
lots of love
crissy

[RedWine]

Crissy, I took 25mg the first two days. Today's the third day and I am supposed to take 50mg from here on out.

It's great that it is supposed to kick in in a week or so -- because I feel so much better already, and my husband made numerous comments yesterday on how much nicer I was being! I wonder what I will feel like a week from now. Like this, maybe? ----> :D :lol

Yes, I can imagine that if I stopped taking it, I would proably hit bottom too. I think I WAS at bottom just before I started taking it though.

My love for my daughters have returned a thousandfold already. I am so grateful! I was becoming a really crappy mother over the past few weeks. Now I feel I can start to repair whatever emotional damage I did to my oldest during those bad weeks (I yelled at her an awful lot). :(

thanks for sharing your experience, Crissy.

[krgoff]

I really don't post here at MDC, but I read a lot. I figure it's time I try to get myself out there and get feeling better. I'm now 7 week PP with my daughter. I've been dealing with depression since I was in HS (I'm 23 now). It's been a long tough road of antidepressants and therapists. Of which nothing has helped me in the long run yet, it's all short term. I was on Zoloft when I was pregnant with her, but went off of it because it did very little for me. But I've been spiraling downward lately. I'm getting worse as the days go by and something has to get better for me, my kiddos can't see me like this. I have a lot of support, but sometimes my support gets angry at me and tells me the feelings I have make me an ugly person. Which as you all know makes the feelings worse.

I need to find something that is ok to take while breastfeeding. I can't give up the breastfeeding just to take an antidepressant because I know that would make me worse as I feel it's so important to nurse my babies.

I realize this is kind of a choppy introduction, sorry...

[shell024]

I've also been doing pretty okay. I have taken really good quality nutritional supplements for a long time (about 10 yrs), so my problem is postpartum anxiety/lonliness (that is just a vague self-diagnosis). Isolation... I have made myself leave the house (with baby) and go out and be with other HUMANS. Especially adult ones. Preferrably female. It does help. But then when I go home, the lonliness is back. :( Something is holding me back from really talking with DP about it. Is it shame? I'm usually one to act like everything is fine when it's not...

[annakiss]

Welcome, krgoff. :hug to you. I would ask in breastfeeding about what anti-depressants are safe to take while bfding. I myself am not sure. I've heard good things about lexpro (sp?), but I'm not sure. I hope that you get well. It's not support if they're telling you that you're wrong for the feelings you're having. I too have dealt with depression since puberty, but I'm steadily finding my way out. :hug

[georgia]

krgoff :hug

Do you know what your dosage of Zoloft was? It might have not been enough...or it just might not be the right one for you.

Have you tried the supplements like the B vitamins, fish oil, flax seed oil, etc?? I'm not saying they're a cure-all for depression..but they don't hurt :). Dr. Thomas Hale's recommendations for SSRIs are Zoloft (top choice), Paxil, Lexapro, Effexor and Prozac bringing up the rear.

Check here for more info:SSRIs (http://www.kellymom.com/health/meds/antidepressants-hale10-02.html#Effexor)

For me, breastfeeding was the only good thing I had going there for awhile. I couldn't give that up....hang in there...it's going to get better :hug

[Gale Force]

krgoff -- Welcome to the PPD board! Can you tell us more about your experience on meds? How much? How you felt?


I have taken really good quality nutritional supplements for a long time (about 10 yrs), so my problem is postpartum anxiety/lonliness (that is just a vague self-diagnosis).

Hi shell. You know, I was a health nut for a long time and took a lot of supplements and followed a good diet, but it wasn't good enough. I am deficient in Bs and essential fatty acids as well as amino acids. It's pretty shocking really when I look back at how diligent I was. I just wanted to say that because I certainly didn't think that my depression was caused by deficiencies and it was.

Supplements:
And just a general comment about vitamins, minerals, and essential fatty acids and depression. It takes months or years even for deficiencies to be reversed, so not everyone feels the effects immediately. In fact, the only thing I felt within a week was when I started taking a custom amino acid supplement, but those do go right into the bloodstream and almost immediately increase your amino levels. In my case, I was very low in tryptophan (among quite a few others). Tryptophan creates serotonin, so almost immediately my serotonin levels in my brain were up. Bingo. Much better than SSRIs in my opinion.

But that's not the end of the story because it was some of the key vitamins, minerals, and fats that probably fouled up my digestion to begin with, so I'm still working on those and supplementing the amino acids. At some point, the underlying problems will be fixed and I'll stop the amino acid supplementation.

[shell024]

Good point GaleForce, the vitamins I take...I usualyy take the compan'y's Bi-Omega and Optomega, which are all the essential fatty acids and aminos...but I stopped taking them at the end of pregnancy because of the taste...guess i should order more and see if it makes a difference.

[Gale Force]

And you know, it's just all really complicated too. I took Tyrosine early in my PPD. It's an amino, but not an essential amino. It's made by Phenylalanine, another amino acid. I am low in Phenylalanine and probably was low in Tyrosine too but it didn't bring an end to the down cycle when I supplemented Tyrosine and my next up cycle was a little more manic (possibly due to the Tyrosine -- mania is a possible side effect).

The more I am reading about aminos in particular the more I see why they do custom blends. They cost an arm and a leg, but too much of an amino is bad, just like too little is bad. And it took the combination for me to have the drammatic turn-around. But then, I was really very very low in several and needed all of them.

[Pepper]

Hi, just introducing myself here. I am 4 months post-partum and have been dealing with ppd for the past 8 weeks or so. I've just become motivated enough to actually try and improve it so here I am.

I'm taking 6 flax oil pills a day, a multi-B, multi vitamin, mineral, and I just began 700 mg of Inositol in the evenings.

I'm a vegetarian but am considering re-introducing egg into my diet for the aminos and protein...

Been feeling every-so-slightly better the past 3 days and am hoping that perhaps I will come out of this naturally but if not hoping that the supplements will help.

My main ppd symptom is constant anxiety peppered with hopelessness and rage. Yay! sounds like fun :rolleyes:

Hugs to us all :hug

[shell024]

bad/confusing day... (this post might just be a rant)


well, 2 days actually. DP came back from his trip late Monday night. I was feeling pretty exhausted and in a dull mood earlier that day. Then yesterday I was on and off happy/sad/mad. Usually when DP is gone, I am in a generally good mood with bouts of loneliness. When he is here, it's like the things he does/doesn't do annoy the crap out of me! I feel like I'm doing all the parenting, and like that's all I am: a parent. I don't feel like his friend, lover, or soulmate lately. I am just the mother and that is what I must do; Mother. I mean, I take opportunities to give him chances to bond with the ds, but it's like I'm the one always initiating. Does he feel inferior or something that he isn't motivated to jump in and ask to hold ds, change his diaper, just play with him, help him get to sleep, let ME get some sleep. Or okay, if he isn't too keen on the whole "parenting" thing, why isn't he offering ME things? A massage, cook dinner, clean something??? I used to do things enthusiastically (offer him massages, cook a big healthy meal, have the house nice and clean, some good music playing, etc...) but now I just don't have the time/energy/motivation to do things just so! DP would usually follow my lead and chip in here and there...but now it's like... ugh. I dunno. Our communication just sucks lately. I feel ashamed to tell him that I am depressed...it usually comes out as "I'm just really tired and irritable...all the time". *sigh* It's hard to figure out a way to discuss it with him without feeling embarrassed, or like he just won't get it. :(

[Yummymummy74]

Can we get a quick recap on what diet can help PPD?

What sort of suppliments and what do you find is working for you?

[FancyD]

Welcome Pepper!

Hugs, shell024 :heartbeat

Re: diet
I take multi-vitamins, calcium/magnesium, and evening primrose. I try to eat as fresh a diet as possible, organic meat when I can. Lots of water! I think having a place to unload has helped me immeasurably, so many thanks to annakiss :throb The very act of admitting that I was unwell and needed SOMETHING was the beginning of being well again. It broke down the crazy construct I had built out of my life. Love to us all, "this too shall pass..."

[CityGirl]

Hi everyone.

What an intense thread.

I'm Hope, 32 year old mama to a 4 year old daughter and an 8 month old son. It's been a rough year and I've experienced some scarily deep, dark periods of depression and anxiety.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer the day I gave birth to my son. My pride at having a successful homebirth VBAC was obviously greatly tempered by this. My husband had been hospitalized with a terrifying, sudden autoimmune attack when I was about 7 months pregnant, so I was already jittery (he's fine, but it was awful). We bought a house in the country (we live in a major city) and we just lost it So, it's been kind of a shitty year.

My children are absolutely wonderful, which of course just makes it worse when I feel like I'm not being the best mother I can be to them. The guilt over having a new baby and not being able to devote the time I used to to my older child is intense. (The guilt is always intense over something.) Since my son was born and even when I was pregnant with him, I would spiral into these black periods where it was like everything around me was dark. Hopeless. Worthless. Horrible. I couldn't see any light, any goodness, I couldn't even cry. I was numb, frozen. This is happening less lately but I suspect only because I'm holding myself together by the skin of my teeth because those episodes shake me so much. I come out of them feeling totally traumatized. I didn't know I had it in me to feel so dark.

Anyway, I have a prescription for Zoloft waiting for me at the pharmacy, but I've been delaying and delaying picking it up. I'm not sure why. I don't want to admit I need it, I guess.

[shell024]

:hug CityGirl! That really sucks that one thing just happens after another in one year! I totally feel you on that... I'm sure your kids do not care what you do or don't get done, and they know that you love them, that's what's important. That sounds like a lot of stress though, for one woman to hold on her shoulders! Maybe there is someone who could help you get some things done and leave you to just go have a relaxing fun day with your family. Create your own holiday you know? You deserve it mama. Feel free to let anything out that you need to, pm or email me if you wanna get some steam out. :wink Well, I think it's definitely a good thing that you know you don't like those depression periods. Sometimes I am scared that I hang around in my depressed periods longer because I get more sympathy at times (not always the case). Like I am craving some recognition or appreciation for the simple things that I do, but can never seem to find it. DP is very supportive of anything I do, but sometimes I just feel like I can't connect to him emotionally when I'm really down. But, he is a wonderful shoulder to cry on when I just break down and let it all out. *sigh*

[FancyD]

Just a quick :heartbeat to you all! Hope everyone is doing okay!

[CRISSY]

Hay girls whats up!!! Alot has been going on it was my dd 1rst bday on the 6th so that was exciting. I've been doing realy good tryen to stay busy. I gotta say though the past two days have been rough. I don't know what triggers it but like a slap in the face I felt it again. I don't know if it was the fact that I noticed how good I was doing or the fact that I was scared that it would come back. But it did. I don't know what it was I was doing so f---- good. Maybe I just couldn't let myself feel good longer then I did. I just don't know. I wish there was just a way to tell myself that I'm allowed to feel good I'm allowed to laugh, love, feel joy, I'm allowed to just enjoy my girls and not ponder over the awful thoughts. I can't seem to forgive myself for them. Maybe I'm being punished for somthing I said or did. If that's what it is I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY. BAD DAY its just so hard to have such good days and then to lose it over a thought. It's like dangling somthing in front of someone and ripping it away.. With a snicker... I hope everyone else is doing good and I appaligise to be such a downer I just pray for better days. Please better days.!!!! P.S. Girls keep your head up and keep laughing there just gotta be better days!!!!

[Yummymummy74]

I agree Chrissy some days are definately better than others and there is no rhyme or reason to it.

[FancyD]

Maybe I'm being punished for somthing I said or did. If that's what it is I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY. BAD DAY

I recently realised that I only believe in karma when something bad happens to me. Like, what did I do to deserve this? Not when something great happens, I just accept it and enjoy. I guess it's pretty normal to want an explanation for bad things, might make it easier to deal with. It's really changed the way I deal w/ things, trying to accept the bad as peacefully as I accept the good. "This too shall pass" has become my motto.

Love to all the ladies!

[CRISSY]

I hope this thread isn't fading out it does give me a chance to vent but I also like to hear how other moms are dealing day to day. My last post I was having a real hard time. I want to thank fancyd for all the support. I also wanted to give an update. Things have really been pretty good I'm not going to say it to loud but my mind seems at peace my eyes are more clear and my body seems to be a lot more relaxed. I'm still on Zoloft same dosage and I've been taking vitamins. The days don't seem to drag but instead fly by. I can't say anything has changed in my life. Like a flick of a switch I'm doing good. I try not to beat myself up on past thoughts but instead remind myself it's past and not present. I hope everyone else is doing good I would love to hear from ya..
lots of love
crissy

[avasmom1]

I wanted do an intro. Im so glad I came across this site and such a supportive group. Im 27yo married, first time momma. My daughter is now 8 months and I finally admitted I need help for ppd. Things are getting worse, not better. I went to my doc recently & she put me on zoloft, but I had a bad reaction (couldnt breathe well, extreme dizziness and lethargy) I am now prescribed Efexor but havent taken it yet. I don't know if I can handle my anxiety/ depression with natural remedies, but I want to try before taking anything else. ANY SUGGESTIONS? I need to do something. I am having a hard time getting through my days.

[FancyD]

Hi, avasmom1!

Make sure you're taking your vitamins, for a start. I found that magnesium/calcium w/ vitamin D helped me. Evening Primrose Oil helps some, I found that I got more yeast infections while taking it. Always keep in contact w/ your dr. PPD is nothing to mess with! My dr. didn't reccomend anti-depressants, rather talk therapy and eating well. If I felt that I needed them, she would have proscribed, though. Also, thyroid imbalaces are fairly common in new moms. Hope that helps!

:throb to all the mamas! Glad to hear you're doing better, CHRISSY.

[esk8partist]

who prescribes the antidepressants? your regular doc or the psychiatrist?

i was so frustrated yesterday because i was feeling really down--anxious, scary thoughts, all that--but i don't have a regular doc, and i have Med-i-cal, i was given the run-a-round on the phone. finally, i got an appointment to see a psychiatrist for NEXT YEAR!!!

[annakiss]

You can get it through your regular doc. But personally, I'd try some other things than anti-depressants first. I've got what seems to be ppd/ocd, which the authors of this book I was looking out classify as different than regular ocd. I seem to have anxiety mixed with depression. I'm trying progesterone cream, more Omega-3s, calcium magnesium, B6, and getting more help at home. I will be going to get my thyroid checked out here soon too. I do however have a 5 week sample of zoloft in my medicine cabinet in case things get worse. I am particularly concerned about just going on meds for several reasons. 1) unwanted side effects. 2) the fact that you have to wean on and off meds, which not doing can cause disastrous side-effects. 3) not having a timeline for using meds - how will i ever know it is okay to stop? i don't want to get stuck.

[wombatclay]

Sigh, a sleep deprived mini-vent on the way...I just got "dumped" by my therapist and I've just got to vent a bit. I've been seeing her for an hour a week for 3.5 months and at the end of our last session she said "I don't think I can help you...and I'm not sure anyone else can at this point. My advice is to just stop complaining and accept that this is how life is going to be". I was in total shock...I just sort of mumbled something and left and it took me a couple hours to move from just numb amazement to the confused anger I feel now! I mean, what sort of therapist says something like that? Especially to a person they KNOW is depressed?

I guess I should have anticipated something like this...I asked my primary care doc (a sweet woman, very accepting of alternate therapies, and the general practitioner I saw all through pregnancy...she's my dd's doc as well) to recommend someone who would be willing to work with me without medication. I'd been through depression in the past, knew the warning signs, and wanted to head this off early instead of waiting till I was totally non-functional like I did last time. I was crying every night, couldn't sleep, was worried about my dd, scored 76 on the ppd "quiz", etc...

Anyway, she gave me a name, I went, and after explaining my situation (including why I'm not into taking medication right now) the therapist asked "well, will you at least consider taking the meds and weaning your daughter if I recommend it?". Ummmm...no. So I guess I should have known she wouldn't be exactly what I needed, but...well...I really needed help and there she was!

I just don't know what to do now...I work part time and have the only income in my immediate family, my dh is a grad student and works 50-60 hours a week but is currently unpaid and hasn't been paid since June, and there's a slew of other stressors in my life right now over which I have no control (like, my dad just lost his job and his health insurance and he has a chronic heart condition which is amazingly expensive to treat, and my little brother is in Iraq so I dread hearing the news each day). I'm trying some of the supplement blends people have recommended in these threads, and am trying to get more exercise on a daily basis, but it's just so hard.

Grrrrrr...isn't a therapist supposed to help? Even just a little? I totally feel worse now than I did 3 months ago (though I guess I cry less...that's something I suppose)!

Sorry for the "whine" but I'm just at my wit's end and the only bright side I can find is that now I'll have that one hour a week to do something more productive than therapy!

[MamaHippo]

My name is Lisa. I am mama to Noah, 17 months (born 7/14/04). . I know I am quite a bit postpartum, but its just taken me a long time to post..
I had a great pregnancy by most standards. I had wanted a homebirth but insurance wouldn't cover the $4,000 it was going to cost and we didn't have that kind of money lying around. So off to the OB i went. My water broke on its own at 38 weeks and i was induced. I had a good, drug-free labor for 8 hours. Dh and I had taken lamaze and were really psyched for a natural delivery. I was so ready to join that primal sisterhood of birthing women. But after 8 hours Noah's heart rate dropped to 40 and kept dropping with each contraction. I got so scared hearing that machine beeping. I had wanted an intervention-free delivery and ended up flat on my back with an internal monitor, pitocin, an amnio infusion, oxygen, and all the external monitors. Noah never dropped into my pelvis and by the time i was at 6 cm, his heart rate was in the 30s and never came back up. So I ended up with a stat c-section. I was terrified for my baby but also so upset that fate had robbed me of my natural delivery. When they made the incision they found that the cord was around Noah's neck twice, and pulling tighter with each contraction. He was totally blue and required oxygen to get his color back. He was very small, only 5 lb 6 oz. They said that he may have mental problems from lack of oxygen due to the cord around his neck. His placenta apparently was also a bit atrophied, possibly contributing to his small size, and they have no idea why.
I did ok as a new mom. I adored my son from the second i saw him and my Dh did too. I nursed him in recovery and he's been a milkie machine ever since. I was tired of course, but i felt that it wouldn't last forever, so i dealt. It took a long time to process the birth and I felt for a long time that i had failed as a babymaker (placenta failure) since he was so small. I felt like I had been robbed of the delivery i had worked for so long towards.

The depression has really set in in the last 7 months or so. Noah has never been a 'good' sleeper, usually not longer than 3-4 hours at a stretch. So sleep deprivation is par for the course for me. Since I am a SAHM, Dh and I agreed that the nighttime parenting goes to me. Its not that I mind getting up, its more like 17 months of constant nightwaking and night nursing has gradually worn me down to a nub. Exhaustion is my constant state.
I have a long history of depression and kind of expected to have some PPD, but when I did ok in the months after delivery DH and I both felt relieved. But i guess it just came later for me.
I have no libido at all, and thats causing problems in my marriage. I used to be so creative, but I have no energy or desire to draw or paint or scrapbook or do anything I used to do. Money problems are a constant because I am staying home now with my high-need child. I feel that Dh blames me for our money issues cus I want so badly to stay home with Noah. He doesn't appear to have any developmental issues, but he needs constant attention and constant stimulation. We can't even leave him in the nursery at church because he's terrified of strangers. I am exhausted because Dh works 13 hours a day and I never get a break. We are moving in January because we can no longer afford our mortgage. I went to see the place we will be renting, and its not even half as nice as our house, and that made me feel so hopeless. I am a Taurus, and I need beauty and natural elements in my environment. The townhome we are renting is a little shabby (thanks to the previous tenants), smells like dogs and is in a loud, crowded block. A far cry from our tidy little house in a more rural area where we can hear the eagles from our porch. I feel like a terrible person for bitching about it but its such a letdown. I am so exhausted from trying to figure out ways to save every penny but I dont feel good living in a dump either. It all just makes me feel like I am a terrible person all over .
My beloved mom is very ill and I cant seem to help her very much.
I have so much guilt. For not being a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, person. I feel terrible about myself and hate looking in the mirror; i feel like i look worse every day. I have not lost the 50 lbs I gained during pg, despite nursing, and I know I look awful. I feel awful. I rarely go out anymore cus I hate how I look and feel. I no longer enjoy clothes or shopping like I used to. For that matter, I dont enjoy anything except spending time with my little one. He keeps me going, he keeps some joy in my heart where there isnt much left. I hate feeling like this - empty, a shell of myself. I hate being on meds and will try pretty much anything to avoid them. Dh has said I should wean ( like thats the magic bullet) but I refused - my nursing relationship with my son helps with my anxiety (thank you, prolactin!). Dh has also said that if I don't start getting better that he's getting a vasectomy cus he doesn't want us to go thru this with another kid.
I need a therapist and got the list of approved providers from insurance, but looking at a long list of anonymous names is daunting. I keep putting it off. Dh has gone so far to, at my midwife's urging, agree to go to therapy with me, but i dont know if going by myself would be more beneficial or not. Dh is a great guy and he's trying his best; the problems are mine. Iwoule love to try acupuncture but ins. doesnt cover it.
well, i could write a lot more, but my baby is crying, so time to nurse down.
I am glad I got to have a little vent. thank you.

Lisa

[FancyD]

:hug

Welcome mamahippo! Venting is a great start...

[willowpooh]

MamaHippo -

So much of your intro sounds like my story!~

To everyone else:

I just found this thread and will post my intro when I have more computer time. But for a start my name is Deanna, and I gave birth to beautiful Willow Jade of January of this year.

More later!

[FancyD]

Welcome willowpooh! Our babes are just about the same age!

[Gale Force]

Sigh, a sleep deprived mini-vent on the way...I just got "dumped" by my therapist and I've just got to vent a bit.

She definitely wasn't who you needed anyway. You need to find an alternative sort of doctor to help you through supplementation for your depression and a therapist who will just be a therapist and help you through other issues. I don't think I ever talked about medication with my therapist but he helped me a great deal.

[Gale Force]

For that matter, I dont enjoy anything except spending time with my little one. He keeps me going, he keeps some joy in my heart where there isnt much left.

Lisa -- you hold on to that positive because that is a biggie. You may have days where you don't even want to spend time with your child and that's totally normal too (and probably common).


I need a therapist and got the list of approved providers from insurance, but looking at a long list of anonymous names is daunting. I keep putting it off. Dh has gone so far to, at my midwife's urging, agree to go to therapy with me, but i dont know if going by myself would be more beneficial or not. Dh is a great guy and he's trying his best; the problems are mine. Iwoule love to try acupuncture but ins. doesnt cover it.
well, i could write a lot more, but my baby is crying, so time to nurse down.
I am glad I got to have a little vent. thank you.

Lisa

I think I quoted wrong but I agree with you on not stopping the nursing. You and your baby need it. Just make sure your diet is especially good since you have to produce all of that milk. The nutrients required by the milk can run you down a lot.

You may need to wait to choose a therapist until you have a good moment. That is a hard thing. Do you know anyone who might be able to help you cut that list down?

[Gale Force]

I just found this thread and will post my intro when I have more computer time. But for a start my name is Deanna, and I gave birth to beautiful Willow Jade of January of this year.


Welcome!

[UrbanEarthMama]

Reading your post brought me straight back into the feelings of depression that I had around 17-20 months of age. That was the hardest time in my life. The depression (for me) showed up immediately after a traumatic birth - like yours - but got increasingly worse with sleep deprivation (I had a marathoner popping on and off 6-10 times a night) and with his developmental needs around that age. I also hated my body, hated myself and started hiding at home because I was so exhausted and so ashamed. Like you, my time with my son was the only pleasure in my life. Just so you know, therapy has helped me. So have nutritional supplements like DHA's and other things (you can go back in this thread to find specific recommendations). But once my son moved through that age, I found things easing off a bit. By 2, he was expressing himself more and able to focus on other play longer - giving me more time to write, reflect and take hot baths! Hang in there. And know you aren't alone. It might not help the feelings or the exhaustion but it can make it more bearable to know that it's not just you and that what you are experiencing is happening to others too. And it is really shitty to have to give up some of your energy to depression when all you want is to love and enjoy your baby. It doesn't seem fair, I know.

[willowpooh]

My story ~

My whole life I've wanted a baby girl, and I felt I couldn't wait to have one... yet I wanted to wait until everything (both marriage and financial-wise) was "perfect". At age 28 (I would deliver at age 29) I felt I'd reached that point and my baby's conception was a bit "militantly" planned.

Almost from day 1 I had a complicated pregnancy. First I had morning, noon, and night sickness until well into the second trimester. I actually lost so much weight that the day I went into labor I weighed 6 pounds LESS than the day I concieved. Then my lifelong IBS problems created unimaginiably painful complications (the pain was much than 13 hours of labor). At 26 weeks I was hospitalized for a week with these pains, and for a couple of days it was thought that my placenta was torn... it was the biggest heartbreak of my life. But it turned out that wasn't the case thankfully. And when I finally did deliver she was perfectly healthy... 8lbs, 2 oz.

At only 32 weeks I became fully efaced and started having contractions, and I was put on bedrest. The bedrest actually became the solution to all of my problems... I had a relatively easy pregnancy from then on. At about 39 weeks I finally went into labor for real, and I had an easy labor compared to what I expected. I didn't even get to the point where I asked for drugs... they advised I'd need them soon, so I went ahead and took the epidural. Soon I found out why my labor was easy (well, I guess this was the reason)... I never dilated past 3.5. The dr told me he'd probably have to do a c-section... to which I begged him to give me another hour or two because the thought of a c/s terrified me and was not the way I "dreamed" it would be. He did, but there was absolutely no change. I felt parts of the surgery, and had a hard time in the recovery area afterwards. When it finally came time to hold the baby (about two and a half hours after the birth) that I'd dreamed of for so long I was too scared to do so b/c of the morphine.

My real depression began when I had to return to work when the baby was only 8 weeks old. I looked great after I delivered, but I gained 14 LBS in just two weeks after returning to work. I had been out on leave for four months... and I'd wanted nothing more than to be a SAHM, but there was no way we could make our bills if we did so... I've always been the one that makes more money in our marriage. When I returned to work I found out that a "friend" that had worked there had spent four months spreading horrible stories about me and was trying to get me fired. Ironically she ended up being the one to be fired... but the betrayal cut very deeply. Management treated me like a freak b/c I needed a room for breastpumping on my lunch hour, and eventually they took it away from me without even telling me they were going to. I was stressed out beyond belief trying to work full-time, recover from a c/s, and be a new mother. Co-workers kept making cruel comments about my postpartum weight, and I hated my body. Even though I only weigh 133 at 5'4" I was practically wearing mumus to hide myself. I hated leaving the house. I constantly fantasised about suicide... but I knew I'd never go that route because I could never leave my baby.

Like MamaHippo said the only time I felt happiness or peace was when I was with my baby, and I never felt anger toward her.

But I had plenty of anger, and I turned it toward my DH (but held it in silently and sufferingly). We have always had a great relationship and a rather un-turbulant marriage. But I was so disappointed about the way he had acted while I was pregnant... he was definitely NOT one of those daddies that is feeling mommy's belly and making whale sounds at the baby. He acted disinterested and annoyed through most of my pregnancy. He spent lots of money because he "just had to get this one last thing before the baby comes" and we've had a year of crippling financial and credit problems. I was angry because he didn't make more. I'd see other husbands who didn't make much but would say, "Well, my wife stays home because she was just too sad to leave the baby... God will find a way for us to make it somehow even though we don't have a lot of money," and I felt "screwed" that I ended up with a husband that seemed to have no such compassion for me. He's been a wonderful father... and he loves his little girl more than life itself... but still I was angry. I kept seeing him as the person who took away my dream of motherhood the way I envisioned it to be. Also I have to constantly hear my mother destroy him as a father and a husband... and it makes me question everything. My DH and I have to work completely opposite schedules for childcare purposes and NEVER have had a day off together since I went back to work, not even holidays (he always has to work them). But when he is home he thinks it is carte blanch for him to hand off the baby to me as soon as I hit the door and play online games all night, and for the most part ignore us. We've discussed this... and he justifies it with, "Well, I'm not out at bars like other husbands. If you or Willow need me I'm right here in the same room." But he's NOT, not emotionally anyway. I have nearly 0 interest in sex... it almost seems disgusting to me (but I'm still breastfeeding and I hear that is normal).

Meanwhile at work I've had to fight days where I just wanted to pack up all of my stuff and walk out and never look back. I'd then fantasise that I'd stop home and grab the baby and run away with her and very little money in our bank account. Of course this is all stupid... and really not like me.

I thought these feelings would pass, but they didn't. And now my DD is 11 months old and I've finally broken down and sought help by getting on Lexapro.

I feel like I'm starting to do better (and I'm slowly starting to loose a teeny bit of weight) but I know I still have so far to go physically and emotionally.

I'm hoping this will be a good support area for me.

Thanks for reading the ramble.

[CityGirl]

I posted a while ago. I had my family doctor prescribe Zoloft several weeks ago but never went to pick it up. I just kept thinking I could handle it without meds. I have been taking my EFAs, I was exercising regularly until recently, doing everything I could think of but it isn't helping. My anxiety levels are just off the charts (for me). I can't take it anymore. I have never been so depressed. So today I asked her to call the script in again, and this time I went, picked it up and took the first pill right there in the pharmacy, LOL.

My main reason is that I am beating myself for not being a good enough mother. My patience is so thin and I am unhappy so much of the time. My 4-year-old daughter, who is an extremely bright and very sensitive soul, is clearly showing the effects. Her patience is also very thin and her moods unpredictable. She seems sad a lot of the time. I hate this. I want her to be happy and most of all, care free. I need to take this step. I'm frightened of the side effects too but they can't be worse than this.

[Khadijah]

My name is Ameerah. Im 25 married 2kids. This is my first time having PPD. My youngest is 8months. Im trying to get over it with out meds. I took them for awhile, t hat didnt helo when i came off them I had to end up going to the hospital. Anyway i dont want meds to take over my life. It was scary at first but its getting better. Im still trying to find ways to deal with it. Im working on finding a natural way to help me. At first i was very isolated never went anywhere but after i started getting out of the house it started to get alittle better.Because for awhile i would not let my husband leave the house . He stayed off work for awhile to help me cause i was a fraid to be alone with the baby. We almost lost our house. it had me going to the hospital like crazzy thinking i was dying and i was sick and something was the matter with me. But as time goes by it gets better its not completly gone but its getting there.

[FancyD]

Hugs to all you mamas! It's a crappy time, for sure, but there is an end to this. I promise that.

When I went to my doctor (she had a baby 4 months before me), she said the best thing to do was to have a safe place to vent and to have help, a break, something for yourself. These days we lack an extended family, even lactating relatives who could help. Sometimes, even the AP ideal can work against a new mother.

I know that for me, nutritional supplement helped a great deal, but mostly my boyfriend helping me w/ our child did a world of wonders. He works out of town, and I'm sympathetic to his state, but man! Sometimes I nees a poop by myself just to get it together, yk?

I had to break DOWN!!! for him to help and I wish it hadn't come to that. Just keep seeking help however that may come, come here to blast off your feelings, and things will get better little by little.
:rainbow :hug :heartbeat

[Gale Force]

Hi ladies. I just got back from visiting family and found 150 emails in my inbox. :nut Luckily, a whole lot of it is SPAM.

Ameerah -- I'm glad things are getting better. I've been out of my really bad cycles for months, but still have low times. It does get better slowly.

CityGIrl -- So you're on about Day 6 now. Any relief yet? I know it may take a while, but just wondering how you're doing.

willowpooh -- Your morning sickness may actually be an important clue for you. Morning sickness is caused (or aggravated in any case) by deficiencies in Vitamin B6. B6 is a factor in IBS and digestive wellness in general. It's also a big factor in depression. Here's my post (http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showpost.php?p=4246718&postcount=16) in a thread on natural cures where I mention B6. Check it out when you have time. There is also a tribe in the Health and Healing Forum here which would help with the IBS as well. It's all related.

Amanda

[Aka mommy]

I hope you all dont mind if i join this thread as i just found it a few minutes ago and feel i badly need support. I have not been officially diagnosed with PPD but i am not my normal self and its driving myself and my family crazy. Here's a little about me

Im 25, married and have 2 beautiful dd's. We moved to the sacramento area of cali a year and a half ago and have really made NO friends still. My mother lives 20 mins away BUT isnt much help as i tend to care for her and her bi-polar needs. DD#1 is 2 years old and was born in a very invasive and traumatic hossy birth. DD#2 is 11 weeks old and was born wonderfully at home (but im still thinking through the posterior part of it all). We go to a large church but i have yet to befriend anyone as we seem to parent much differently then the others. After dd#1's birth i was the happiest i have ever been in my entire life, no joke. i didnt even experience the slightest tinge of baby blues. It was wonderful, i expected the same this go round. But it has been the opposite. Im tired, anxious, nervous, scared to death something is going to happen to both my children at any given moment, constantly angry and upset. My dh and i seem to fight like there is no tomorrow lately and i am constantly getting mad at my 2 yo for waking my other dd and for other little things. Dh is working 72 hours on 12 hours off. Sometimes he gets 2 days in a row off and really does try to help when he can, but i feel so forlorn and lost when he is not here. I love my children and have never ever thought of harming them, but when the colic hours start i honestly just want to run away. Its like my body shuts off and i tend to her in automode, not at all how i parented dd#1 and i feel so HORRIBLY guilty for not being the mom that everyone else is, or even that i was to dd#1. I have yet to go in to the docs as i dont want to go on meds as im still bf. I cry all the time and at the drop of the hat and im ready for some help. Where do i go? Would my midwives be able to help? Thanks

[FancyD]

:hug

Talk to your midwives for sure. My doctor said lack of support and help is a huge factor in PPD. Sounds like there's not much time on your DP's hands... Is there any way you could hire a student for a few hours a week? He/She could play w/ your older child while you napped w/ baby or just dealt w/ the colic, Also, have you heard of using rooibos tea for colic? I've heard it works wonders. Here are some links

* Colic, Allergies & Other Ailments: Distributors of rooibos tea often suggest it can help allergies, sleep problems, digestive problems, headache, and other ailments, but these claims have not been verified by scientific research. If the indigenous people of the Cedarberg region used rooibos tea medicinally, that tradition was lost and rooibos was just enjoyed as a good-tasting beverage until the recent interest in its health benefits. Many of the health claims for rooibos tea began in 1968 when a South African woman, Annekie Theron, found that rooibos tea eased her infant’s colic. As the story goes, she found no documentation on the benefits of rooibos and began her own experiments with local babies who had colic and allergies. She concluded that rooibos helped these babies, and she published a book in 1970 titled Allergies: An Amazing Discovery. Since then, she patented a rooibos extract that is now used in cosmetic products, and she started her own line of health and cosmetic products.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rooibos

Today, South African physicians recommend rooibos for infant colic. South Africans also use it to calm digestive upset in adults, to help induce sound sleep, and topically to sooth eczema, skin allergies, and diaper rash. Not enough research has been done to know if these folk remedies really are effective or to identify the substances in the tea that might be responsible for any observable benefits. Joubert says the tea does seem to help infant colic, but no formal studies have been done.

http://www.hylands.com/products/colic.php

[dillonandmarasmom]

Hi mamas,
I am almost 9 months pp from my second birth. I had both my babes via c-section. My first was due to six hours of pushing with his poor head stuck and face-up...finally a section. My second was just amiserable/disappointing decision that I sometimes regret.

I have dealt with depression since high school. I am 33 now, and am on meds for the 3rd time. First was when I was 21--prozac (YUCK!), then Paxil after graduating from colllege at 25, now paxil again after a really ugly and terrifying start with my daughter. I believe it reoccurred because of a few factors:
1) really lonely/bad hospital experience after cs
2) bf'ing BEGAN with cracked/bleeding nipples and awful latch issues
3) slept on the couch with DD while DS and DP enjoyed a king size bed

Anyhow, now I am wishing I wasn't on meds because I just don't feel like myself, have extra weight due to the lovely side effect...and in the last couple of weeks have found myself getting very angry very easily.

AnnaKiss, I felt like I could have written your original post save the DP is a PhD part. But, everything else rings true...

I want to stop yelling, stop being the *extreme* mama (one extreme to the other) and get back to my gd roots. I am so disappointed in myself, but I feel like I just can't get through a day without losing it.

Thank you for htis thread. I believe it found me at just the right time. :love

[Aka mommy]

Fancy D thank you so much for that info. I have been trying the colic tabs but they only work once in a blue moon, i will definately look into the rooibos tea, never heard of it but im willing to give anything a try.

It's 30 minutes after midnight and both my dd's are asleep but this insomnia that has sprouted its ugly head has kept me from snuggling in with them. And dh is on another train and will be gone for at least another day. I decided to take the time to read through all the posts on this thread finally. It has brought tears to my eyes. I had not heard about the mother who threw her kids off the golden gate bridge (i grew up in the bay area) and it BREAKS BREAKS BREAKS my heart.

I dont ever fear for my children's lives being lost by my hands, but instead have the opposite end of the spectrum. Maybe it is some OCD? I will see a knife in the sink and get terrified of my older dd or someone getting ahold of it and stabbing younger dd on accident. Or i will hand dd off to my mom, or sister and im so fearful of them dropping her i can see it happening in my mind. Or the few times i have nursed her in the car, im so fearful of getting hit by other cars i speed up the feeding even though we are parked. I truly think im losing my mind. I wouldnt ever hurt her nor would i want anyone to, instead i think its the complete opposite. I feel like i am being held hostage by my fears. I am so fearful of my dd's getting kidnapped one sleeps in our bed and the other in her crib in our room. I cannot control the world and i know that, but my fear overruns that logic. I am so very tired of this. I have been working so hard at my faith as we've been through a year with scares of leukemia which thankfully were only dd#1 having an immune disorder, we had to back out of our first house we were buying,a job loss, a lyme disease diagnoses which resulted in dh off work for almost half a year and an iv that went to his heart, a bankruptcy and the loss of 2/3 of our income. And with all of that i was able to put things in God's hands and breath easy. But i cannot breath easy about my daughter's safety. Dd#1 is a co-sleeper to this day, dd#2 refuses to co-sleep and has slept wonderfully in the crib from day3. But my guilt about her being in the crib keeps me up at night. I am fearful she will stop breathing or die of sids in the crib, i worry that she wont feel as loved as her sister, or that she will wake up hungry and ill sleep through it because she isnt next to me. When do all of these ridiculous fears and thoughts become manageable? Had someone ever told me motherhood is scary i never would have believed them. Is irrational fears a symptom? How to you combat them?

My house is kept up. The laundry is done, dishes clean and put away, dinner usually on the table and both children as well as myself are always showered and usually clothed halfway lol. Its my way of fighting the depression. My mother is bi-polar and ptsd and i grew up as the mom in the house because she would sleep and not be able to function for weeks at a time. Therefor i'd complete all the household tasks and care for my dad and sisters. I fear that should i let the house go, then the depression will overtake me and my biggest fear of turning into my mother will come true. I have never had mania or bi-polar and i know it cant just develop out of thin air nor is it contagious, but it is another irrational fear. I so badly want to be the mother my girls deserve and dont ever want them to grow up as i did. And i so badly dont want to have any sort of depression. As my older sister told me, i had a homebirth nothing can stop me, so i shouldnt be suffering from ppd cuz im stronger then that. Sigh, i dont know where im going with this post. Sorry to chew your eyes off with my rant. But thank you for listening

[janebug]

I had a lot of this fear too. It has finally eased but I still get it a little, makes me queasy and my legs weak. One thing I have found that helps is a poem I found on Mothering. It was called a Unity Prayer:

I see you as God sees you, with plenty to meet your every need.

It kinda helps me get my breathing back to normal and gets me away from the fear.

[FancyD]

But my guilt about her being in the crib keeps me up at night. I am fearful she will stop breathing or die of sids in the crib, i worry that she wont feel as loved as her sister, or that she will wake up hungry and ill sleep through it because she isnt next to me.

You're being responsive to her needs, and that makes you a good mama. That's what makes attached kids, not some pre-set bag of rules. Trust me, she won't sleep through hunger or discomfort just because you're not right there! Sounds loke your little one is more independant than your first. I'm sure there are numerous moms who would trade with you in a new york second.

When do all of these ridiculous fears and thoughts become manageable? Had someone ever told me motherhood is scary i never would have believed them. Is irrational fears a symptom? How to you combat them?

The square breathing mentioned earlier is a great tool to combat anxiety, at least for me. Talking myself through the fear helps, too.

As my older sister told me, i had a homebirth nothing can stop me, so i shouldnt be suffering from ppd cuz im stronger then that. Sigh, i dont know where im going with this post. Sorry to chew your eyes off with my rant. But thank you for listening

Ok, no offense, but your sister is whack. NO ONE CHOOSES PPD. No one would chooses this depression, how crazy is that? Your sister sounds like my SO, someone who has never dealt with this issue and therefore talks out of their a**. Not to say that she doesn't care, but she doesn't understand


This is exactly the place to come and rant. At least here, we understand your situation and can empathise and sympathise. Much love going out to all of you!

P.S. Are you taking any supplements or vitamins?

[dillonandmarasmom]

I responded to this thread last night in the hopes of finding support. Can anyone relate to feelings of anger? I get angry very easily and think to myself a mantra that helps to keep me calm==though not always. The rainy weather here has had me very uptight and furiously cleaning(ocd?).

I am starting each day with a brief me time here on the computer while DS watches his pbs programs :bag: and dd sits here next to me.

looking for support and some reassurance that I can get through each day calmly.

[dillonandmarasmom]

Also, my DH takes Glucoflex 3-6-9 for ADD and it has flax sed and fish oil. I took the recommended 3 today. Any thoughts on its effectiveness?

TIA!

Here's to a healthful, calm and gently loving day!

[FancyD]

I absolutely felt RAGE! Waves of it... It was essential that I took some "me" time at those moments. So no bag on head for letting your child watch pbs! If it helps you get through your day, and makes you a better mom than there's no shame in that.

This is all my opinion, but I don't value total and utter calmness as a virtue. I am human, and I can feel the whole gamut of emotions. Anger has its place in life, and if it is misplaced, I look at what I'm really angry about (it's usually *something*)

Check w/ your dr. regarding side effects, maybe the anger is from there. I don't take medication, so I don't know a whole lot about it. But if you're worn out and not being supported like you need, you'd probably be angry. And if you felt you couldn't express that for some reason, the anger would come out somewhere, sometime. At least, that was my issue. After having been suppressed, my rage-outs would be 10X worse than if I had been able to express it initially.

Hope this helps a bit, good feelings to you all!

[dillonandmarasmom]

Thanks for the validation, FancyD. I'm actually having a pretty good day, except for the issues I'm having with DH...he really doesn't get that I count on him coming home after work rather than stopping at his friend's for a while--especially with no prior notice! :irked:

Good day to all!

[Aka mommy]

I often fight with feelings of rage that tend to be directed at my dh and when he isnt home they are towards my dd when she wakes up my other dd( but i hold it in). Hugs to you and know you arent alone.

Fancy-THe supplements and vitamens i've been taking are:

290 mg primodophilus
super cranactic
400mg calcium
1350mg (GLA yield 135 mg) evening primrose oil
C-1000 with rose hips
250 mg B-12
100 mg B-6
400 mg Folic Acid
1000-2000 mg alfalfa
1040-2040 dandelion

Now this is only on the days that i actually remember to take all of this along with adeqaute water. LAtely i'be been slipping and drinking a caffeinated drink in the morning instead (blush). I know next to nothing on supplements except what i learned while preggers, so feel free to tell me what im doing wrong.

[wombatclay]

I will see a knife in the sink and get terrified of my older dd or someone getting ahold of it and stabbing younger dd on accident. Or i will hand dd off to my mom, or sister and im so fearful of them dropping her i can see it happening in my mind.

That's EXACTLY how I feel most of the time! Not that I'm going to hurt dd on purpose, but that somehow I'll do something stupid that results in her getting hurt (like falling down the stairs while carrying her, or leaving the cheese grater on a low shelf and having her cut herself). It's like looped tape running through my mind over and over and over. I know it's linked to a sense of being out of control but knowing why it's happening and being able to move past it are very different things for me.

My therapist claimed she had never heard of anyone else having that sort of fear and it is SUCH a relief to find other mamas dealing with the same issues. I wish none of us had to face these problems, but it's good to know I'm not alone in this!

I've been using the breathing/mantra from Peace is Every Step..."Breathing in I calm my body, Breathing out I smile" while taking slooooow deep breaths. It's been helpful, but I still worry more than is healthy.

[FancyD]

Aka mommy, I don't know a lot about sups, just what helped me. I started taking Calcium/ magnesium and that seemed to help me the most. The primrose oil gave me yeat infections, I think, so I stopped those. A slow-acting B multi works for me too. I just need to remember to take them :lol I tried to explain to SO that my brain resets every 2 hours or so, and my routine starts all over again so it's hard for me to remember to do anything other than the routine. Does that make any sense? So taking my sups isn't the norm yet, and I forget a lot. Then I feel like a she-demon and remember! Mostly a sympathetic ear from SO and the effort to help me has done wonders. Though I had to have a breakdown to get this, it was almost worth it.

"My therapist claimed she had never heard of anyone else having that sort of fear and it is SUCH a relief to find other mamas dealing with the same issues. I wish none of us had to face these problems, but it's good to know I'm not alone in this!"-wombatclay

That's very odd for a therapaist, no? Many of the mamas I know have felt things like this.

Hope everyone has a good day!

[wombatclay]

That's very odd for a therapaist, no? Many of the mamas I know have felt things like this.

Yeah...the more I think on what she said/did/recommended the "happier" I am that I no longer see her!

[Aka mommy]

Just need to vent. Ugh, i hate it, i feel like such a wimp or complainer. My dh just got back today from a 3 day trip and had the nerve to say that the place was a dump. I am usually sooooo good about keeping everything up, but today was church and my lil sisters grad party and k has been throwing up more on just about every outfit, so i had tons of laundry and stuff everywhere. And L has been throwing tantrums and clingy since dh's been gone so much. But come on now, you're gone for 3 days and all you can say is what a mess the place is?

So does not help since last night the girls took turns screaming from about 7 to midnight. I sat and cried and seriously thought i had made a mistake becoming a mommy cuz i am just not good enough for my girls. I kept hoping dh would get home last night or that i could be replaced. Sigh, i come here because i couldnt dare to tell dh for fear of him using it against me in one of our many arguments we seem to have lately. And then he tells me he plans on getting in 2 more trips before the 15th, which means he will be gone 3 days home for 12 hours, then gone another 3 days home for 12 hours. Why do mens lives revolve around money? Dont get me wrong im thankful he can work and is willing to provide. BUt seroiusly, last night i thought i was going to have to call someone to come check me into the mental ward cuz i just felt so out of control and unfit at my job as a mom. And when i told him that he'd come home to me melted down, he laughed like i was joking. Worst part is my sisters are going back to college, so i really will have no help as my mom cannot drive at night. I hate that im so far from my friends! But thankfully i remembered that someone had posted the peace is my mantra thing. I couldnt remember exactly what you had said, but i bounced on the yoga ball, gritted my teeth and told myself something about breathing out negativity breathing in smiles. ANd it worked. 15 mins latet k was passed out in my arms and l was asleep on the couch. THANK YOU. i think it saved me from going over the edge!

[FancyD]

I could have written your post 6 months ago! Truely, same stuff was happening here...I DID have to break down to get a little flippin' help.
I know that my SO was super worried about money(still is) and that he wasn't telling me how bad it was. That didn't help, of course! I think he finally has come to understand that if I can get a 15 min break, I'm a much happier person. If he tells me what's going on, I don't ask a brazillion q's.
Do you use Rescue Remedy? It's really helped me out of some bad moments...
Also, I noticed that when I'm tense ds won't sleep. He totally picks it up, and then I get more annoyed. RR and the breathing have really helped me cope in some ticky situations,

:heartbeat

[Aka mommy]

While i hate that anyone has ever felt the way i was feeling, it is truly a relief to know IM NOT ALONE!!! Thank you for being so open and honest. I tried the RR once and the taste was horrid lol! But i suppose its better then how i felt, so i will remember to take it next time. Today is not much better, dh HAD to go on a bike ride and felt entitled to it since its his day off and he cleaned the kitchen. GRRRR. Sometimes i wonder if our marraige has really ran its course or if its the ppd or whatever is controlling my emotions? I guess SO's just dont understand. He came up to me and very rudely asked "What do you want me to do? Do i need to chekc you in?" Um hello, do we have to go to an extreme? How about just hold me and listen to me cry?

Has this put a damper on anyones hopes for more children???

[dillonandmarasmom]

aka,
i'm sorry you are in such an unsupportive partnership. i've felt alone too.
:Hug

[willowpooh]

Help!

I went to the doctor for a check up on my progress of taking a month of samples of Lexapro (for depression and anxiety). It has been working out great... as I've said before I can feel a "turn around" and there is definitely a difference. So the Dr. wrote a script for three months more. I went to the pharmacy to fill it and... guess what... the insurance wouldn't cover that particular drug! :( So they had to call the doctor and she had to change it to Paxil. I have no idea if Paxil will work as well, AND the pharmacist said I was going to get the initial sleepiness that you get for the first week on a new depression drug all over again! :angry

But get this... my doctor called me herself and really put the pressure on me to give up breastfeeding. But I've read many places that it is ok to breastfeed on depression medication, especially with an older baby. Does anyone who happens to be reading this have any idea or info on this??

[wombatclay]

Kellymom has a bunch of links on her site and information about specific anti-depressive medications (http://www.kellymom.com/health/meds/antidepressants-hale10-02.html and http://www.kellymom.com/ppd/).

There is even a paragraph about Paxil specifically:
Paxil has low blood plasma levels in the mother, and a low transfer rate to human milk. It was undetected in the blood plasma of 7 of 8 breastfed infants in one study, all 16 of the infants in a second study, and all 24 of the infants in a third study. For babies exposed to paxil in utero, there is evidence that withdrawal may occur 24-48 hours after birth.

But I'm sure you could find more by exploring the links...I'm so sorry your insurance and doctor are causing you such heacaches! Good luck with the Paxil!

[willowpooh]

Kellymom has a bunch of links on her site and information about specific anti-depressive medications (http://www.kellymom.com/health/meds/antidepressants-hale10-02.html and http://www.kellymom.com/ppd/).

There is even a paragraph about Paxil specifically:


But I'm sure you could find more by exploring the links...I'm so sorry your insurance and doctor are causing you such heacaches! Good luck with the Paxil!

Oh, thank you so much... this makes me feel a lot better! And I will bookmark the links. It was a very hard decision for me to make to get on meds... but I have on and off depression that is a constant struggle for me. Last year it got so bad that I knew I had to do something... I felt my daughter deserved a better mother than what I could be... as I was constantly contemplating on just giving up on everything, even life itself. The meds are definitely helping... but I just hope I've made the right desicion.

[wombatclay]

I hope you feel better soon mama...from what I've heard, Paxil is safe while breastfeeding. Since Paxil (like Lexapro) is an SSRI med you might not have as hard a time ramping up with Paxil (and if Paxil isn't as effctive you could ask for another SSRI like Zoloft or Prozac...can you tell I've done the anti-depressant dance

The FDA has issued a warning (http://www.fda.gov/bbs/topics/NEWS/2005/NEW01270.html) saying that Paxil should not be taken while pregnant since it may contribute to heart defects in the unborn child, so if you're TTC or might become pregnant, check with your doctor.

Hang in there!

[Aka mommy]

Willow,im so sorry about that. As if you dont have enough to deal with. Hugs your way

[willowpooh]

Update:

DD had her 12 month appointment today and I asked the pediatrician about all this and he said it was totally fine, especially since I am on the lowest dose (10 milligrams), and since it was Paxil which has been on the market for a long time and has been tested with breastfeeding mothers.. He said I definitely should not give in to pressure to give up breastfeeding, especially if neither baby and I were ready. :thumb

[Aka mommy]

Why is it i never have time to get to the computer on my good days? And then all i do is seem like a whining fool lol!

Had a good day, dh was home for the whole day and majorly helped out. I spoke with my midwives and did the unmentionable for me and asked for help. They referred me to a homeopath and when i called i found out it would cost $90 for every 30 mins and IS NOT covered by insurance. That just about was all i could take so i called dh who was back on the road and toldhim he needed to deal with it, cuz it was just too stressful. I mean we CANNOT afford that. We still owe almost $400 on my homebirth and just filed bankruptcy so have really no money. We are recovering from dh being off work for the 4 months of lyme disease treatments. And now this, i'd rather not stress even more about money. So what does dh do? He calls my midwives and implies its not really ppd but instead is my lack of support from women who have shared in the homebirth experience. Are you freaking kidding me??? Its like he's saying this is in my head and im causing it and i can fix it and its not that serious. ARGHHH, maybe it is. So i have an appt next wed with them. I really hope i can make it that far. My mom spent the night last night, which was almost just as stressful since her bipolar meds make her crazy at night lol! I really am having my worst fear come true, IM TURNING INTO MY CRAZY MOTHER (and im not meaning all bi-polar people are crazy, just my mother, trust me!!!)!!!

[Gale Force]

Aka mommy -- Have you been able to start on any of the supplements that are recommended around here? I would tend to start with a cod liver oil (Nordic Naturals is my pick right now) since all pregnant and nursing moms require a lot more and it is shown to be therapeutic for depression. I would also look for a liquid or sublingual (under tongue) form of B12/B6/folic acid. I just founf a sublingual one at Trader Joe's but I've also seen a liquid one on vitacost.com A local health food store could probably hook you up too.

And I think most of us understand that your mother is crazy because all of our mothers are crazy in one way or another and as much as we love them, there is always that part of them that we are afraid we are turning into. Do you think you can get to sleep before the night time med cycle kicks in for her?

[nyveronica]

late to join, mamas. Hope that's ok :) I'm another one with 'late onset' ppd. Hit me like a freight train at 7 months this time and when in recent months, i've been able to look back with some semblance of clarity and see that's when it started after my first birth.

I wasn't sure it was ppd, just that horrible, horrible confusion over my love for the baby and the hate for my life. It's a scary beast and I'd love to know if it serves any anthropological purpose... and why haven't we evolved past it if it's indeed useless?

For a lot of reasons, meds weren't an option for me. I lurked here, dragging my raging, crying self around for weeks and weeks on these threads looking for magic bullets at best and a light at the end of the tunnel at least.

It's been 2 months of me taking a B/complex (tablet, but I think I'm going sublingual soon to increase the absorbtion rate) and a Malic Acid compound that includes (among other things): st. johns, 5-htp and l-tyrosine and the occasional use of homeopathic sepia when I feel myself entering my deep, dark pit and I am feeling better, more centered, happy and the most rage-less I've been in almost a year.

My menstrual cycle has a huge effect of my level of depression so my next step is seeing someone who can look at my hormone levels and amino acids. I feel hope. I cant friggin believe it, but there it is.

I'll be back-- I read all your posts, mamas and I take particular solace and commisiration-ness (nice noun) with galeforce and annakiss. Thank you for being yourselves here for all of us.

[willowpooh]

nyveronica,

A bit off topic here - but I love your signature quote - I'm a huge NIN fan! :thumb

[nyveronica]

Thanks, willowpooh! We love 'em around here too...

[wombatclay]

to follow just a little off topic...
serves any anthropological purpose... and why haven't we evolved past it if it's indeed useless?

I'm an anthropologist (though that's not how I pay the rent these days!) and ppd is an interesting thread in some cultures.

Some cultures/groups incorporate ppd into their expectations (for example traditions in which a woman is "ritually unclean" and sheltered from her regular duties or in need of special care from others to prevent "possession" during the months post partum) or tell stories about ppd (some fairy tales and the myth of the "destructive mother" can be read in this light).

As for the "why ppd is still around", that would be harder to figure out since we don't know what causes it (beyond the obvious!). My money is on a genetic tendency that makes a wo