More stuff has happened-need advice

[2girlsfromparaguay]

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[earthmama369]

I'm not a single parent, so take this as you will. I'm coming from the perspective of seeing a *very* similar relationship in my ILs, who are currently going through a divorce.

Mama, I see you bending and bending. When do his actions and words become his responsibility?

Regarding depression: Yes, it is an illness. Yes, it can change a person's outlook, and medications can complicate matters. (BTDT.) BUT, a person has to be willing to heal themselves. You can't force him to it. His doctor can't force him to it. And if he doesn't want to do it, you have to consider why.

Example: My FIL has refused psychiatric treatment despite clear indicators, refused almost all marriage counseling, he has continued to hurt his family through his words and actions, and he has continued to blame it on his wife. He doesn't take any responsibility for his own actions, and he seems to *like* it that way. He feels like he's the victim, like he's made all the sacrifices. And his wife has spent years tiptoeing around him.

This just seems to ring so true in what you described. The thing that gets me about that is, like you, she stayed for her family. To try to reconcile with the man she remembers him being, and for the children. But he's not the man he used to be, and all of the children wish she'd divorced him years ago. Her daughters don't respect her because they feel she hasn't set a good example for them. Her son feels guilty for not having been able to fix things somehow, and at the same time resents, a bit, being put in the position of mediator and adult for so long.

I think it's wonderful that you cherish your relationship as much as you do and that you have been so willing to fight for it. But please consider the example you're setting for your children, because his words sound an awful lot like mental and emotional abuse.

[2girlsfromparaguay]

q

[MsChatsAlot]

When I read about his behavior and about the touching, I also wondered if he's experiencing sexual side-effects of the drug. Many men would be embarrassed, ashamed, and pull back completely and even get angry if they couldn't perform. That's just what I thought when reading it. It didn't sound as much like an affair to me as a sexual problem. I could be wrong.

As for the rest, I have no real suggestions other than to follow your heart and do what's best for you and your children.

I hope you find some peace in all of this and wish you & your family well.

[traceface]

It's worth checking out the possibility that it is the meds (but not count on it being that or fool yourself, you know? A friend of mine's husband had something quite similar to what you describe when he was on Lexapro and now we do think it was connected. He too drew back physically, was hyper, wanted to make huge changes unilaterally -- *and* had an affair and thought he was in love with someone else.

Even if he refuses to see a psychiatrist, he can't get the meds re-filled without a prescription, so you'll have the chance to see what he's like when they wear off (maybe he'll be depressed and intolerable in whole different way? but not with the odd traits you are noticing now)

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. You're definitely right to get all your ducks in order, yet not move too fast. I don't think you have anything to gain by leaving him right this second, but rather plan well and consult friends, lawyers, etc.

[pranamama]

I hope everything works out for you the best it can! You have been married for a long time. I would advise you to make sure you can get your hands on enough money to pay an attorney's retainer and fees if you think your husband may take over the money. It is mind-boggling how fast the cost of a divorce can skyrocket. Without an attorney, especially if your husband has one you may not get fair treatment in a divorce. I'm sorry things haven't improved since last time you posted!

[2girlsfromparaguay]

q

[Raynbow]

It sounds very familiar. It sounds just like my husband the month before he left... and moved in with his mistress.
I was totally clueless.
People suggested that he was having an affair and I was SURE that it wasn't the case. No way, not him.
He was DEPRESSED. He even *admitted* to being "depressed" but he refused medication - after stating he was going to think about going on medication.
He started "working" incredibly long hours, sometimes 16 hours a day. No matter what I did, it wasn't good enough.
In hindsight, it's perfectly clear. But I just couldn't imagine that of him then - I mean, he had his faults, but he'd been a good husband, loving, caring; good to his kids and mine... and I was 9 months pregnant with OUR child... I couldn't believe that he was being unfaithful - not something so basic, so BASE... not him. I was wrong. Not only did he choose her over me, he chose her over ALL of his children.
They always say that the wife is the last to know and until you've been there and done that, you can't imagine how true that is.

You need to protect yourself no matter what you believe, no matter what may be going on with him.

[Jster]

Mama, I have to agree with earthmama369, it sounds like you are compromising yourself sooo much for him. And I know what that is like...I did too in my marriage and it's taken me two years since we split to even be able to know all the ways that I didn't have any self left because I gave it all up to the whole. The thing that helped me most through it all was what one friend said...Remember, your actions to your children speak louder than words and you are an example to them of how they should act. Would you want your daughter in the situation you are in?

Also, I agree that drugs can do some weird things, but it sounds like you have a good plan to find out if is really effecting him. Perhaps you should come up with a commitment? Such as, I'll wait x months after he gets evaluated/changes drugs/whatever before the next step?

But I think what might also help is that you spend some time on YOU. Perhaps a counselor? I have found it invaluable in the process of refinding myself, and learning more about why I was giving so much. And I also learned a very important message...you are only responsible for yourself and your children, not your spouse, because you have no power to "fix" another person. Even if it is the drugs he's taking, he's an adult, and you can't control him. You can't fix it for him. No matter how much you bend yourself, move your kids (which it seems pretty clear is not in their best interests), hurt yourself, if he doesn't want to change, he won't. HE has to WANT to be committed/involved with you and with his children.

[thistlelait]

[QUOTE=Jster]Mama, I have to agree with earthmama369, it sounds like you are compromising yourself sooo much for him. And I know what that is like...I did too in my marriage and it's taken me two years since we split to even be able to know all the ways that I didn't have any self left because I gave it all up to the whole. The thing that helped me most through it all was what one friend said...Remember, your actions to your children speak louder than words and you are an example to them of how they should act. Would you want your daughter in the situation you are in?

This is a great point Jster! It's what helped me get out of the abusive relationship I was in too.

I don't really have anything else to add in the way of advice. Good luck with everything, mama! Hope it all works out for the best for you and your girls. :love