My tiny rebel!

[peacemama]

Help!!!

My dd is suddenly in this really rebellious stage. She is suddenly refusing to listen to anything I ask her to do, simply to see if she can get away with it. Everything is suddenly turning into a power struggle. If i ask her not to touch something, she will look me right in the eye and touch it, with that, "Oh yeah, what are you gonna do about it?" look.

I have always treated her with respect, I try to say yes as much as possible, and I THOUGHT I was an expert at using creativity to engage her cooperation. I feel at a complete loss. When natural or logical consequences are present, it's not so difficult. So I can coax her into her pajamas by letting her know that the sooner she puts them on, the more bedtime stories we'll be able to read. But sometimes there ARE no natural consequences, and imposing a consequence feels like punishment to me, and I really don't believe punishment works. Anyone have any ideas? I know that this is probably a healthy, developmentally appropriate expression of her budding independence :rolleyes: , but I still need an appropriate way to deal with it that respects her individuality yet won't cause her to become a pint-sized tyrant! For the record, I give her a ton of attention, so if anyone says to give her more attention, you had better include a magic formula for adding extra hours into the day! :D

[dotcommama]

peacemama - I don't have much advice, but I just wanted to say my ds just turned 4 and he's going through this too and it's tough. I think it is just a phase. I try to give him control over things that I can. I also try to be consistent - if I say no to something and then he does it I will follow through with any consequence that I have stated. (i.e. one less story at bedtime b/c he was not letting me get his pj's on) I notice when I am not as consistent the testing becomes worse - I think because he believes he may get away it.

[Missgrl]

I agree with both of you....

Peacemama~~I think it is a total age thing! I have lots of friends and relatives that have age 3 to 4 kids and we all tell the same story!

dotcommama~~I am huge on consistency too! You have to be consistent and follow through or everything crumbles around you.

My ds#1 sometimes pulls that stuff with me too....it's all about growing! With the pj example....if he won't let me put them on i just say fine then you can put them on yourself (which he can't do yet) or go naked the rest of the day (he hates that.) this works for me b/c of his personalitly!

missgrl

[Jish]

First, can you give me an example of something she does that doesn't have a consequence. I'm not an idiot, I'm just a little tired and I'm at a loss here.

My ds will be four in May and we have some of those issues with him though not as much now as in the past. Now it is my 15 month old ds who is the challenge. Anyway, what I have finally started doing with both of them, although it works better with the older one, is simply to say what I have to say (whether it be asking them to do something, or telling them not to touch etc.) then I just look at them with a totally blank expression on my face until I get results. With the older on I don't repeat the request/statement, I just look right at him until he follows through on the request/statement. I'm not sure why this works, but it does. I don't know whether it makes him so uncomfortable that he does it (I don't think this is it), or if he realilzes that I am serious and there will be no further requests. At first I had to stare at him for quite a while. Now, once I say something it takes hardly any time at all from the excuse/refusal until he says "okay, Mom." He's usually smiling when he says it. I think he is actually happy not to hear me nagging anymore.:)

[geekmom]

Oy vey! Phew, I'm so glad to see that others are in the same boat as me! My 4 y.o. used to be so easy I was almost embarassed. I rarely had to use any discipline at all just because I had it all down to a science. I had the day arranged so that things he wanted came after doing his jobs, he got extra choices when he did the things he was supposed to do, etc. It all flowed quite nicely.

NOW it's that same little defiant things all day long. I feel so MEAN even though when I sit down and think about it, my meanest "punishments" are not allowing him to choose where he plays (have to play in the big basement playroom instead of where he wants) or getting regular milk instead of chocolate milk for dinner. I run a very tight ship and I have been VERY consistent with consequences and he's always seemed to thrive on it. This past week, though, has been miserable. I've tried loading him up with attention. Today, during the other children's naps I made muffins with him and hugged him and held him. I try talking to him about all the things that might be bothering him. I have him sit and draw so I can get an idea what's going on his head, etc., etc. He's a foster child who I have had for 9 months and will probably adopt. I guess I've been thinking that it's some kind of trauma thing or being a foster kid thing, but maybe from what you all are saying it's just normal development.

I've tried to get some perspective on this and am feeling that I might just have to breathe through this. I'm trying to separate myself from his constant defiance (it's not me he's against he's just hitting some "touchpoint" (my current mantra)) and keep myself firm, but friendly and nonchalant.

My guess from reading your posts is that this is developmentally necessary for pretty secure kids to learn how much of the world they can control and how much their parents are really going to be there for them. For the first time, I've established "mommy time" where I tell my 4 y.o. that I need some time by myself and he needs to go entertain himself.

I breathe a lot too......;)

[Adiasmom]

Thank you all for helping to alleviate my doubts and insecurities! I have been struggling to cope with my dd's tyranny and general lack of cooperation for the last while. I've been concerned that her behaviour is the result of some failure of mine to meet her needs or establish limits or or or.....

My dh and I have been trying to come up with creative ways to manage. This thread and some others have given me some helpful ideas, but more importantly, I am reassured that this is a normal stage of development that just needs to be rode out.

Good luck to all of us!