fear (regarding having another child)

[maylea_moon]

Hello, this is my first time posting here so first I'll tell my story.

My pregnancy with my son Rowan was very easy. I was sick in the beginning, but not too sick, probably average. I have a very small frame and was worried I wouldn't be able to gain enough weight to have a healthy pregnancy and was suprised and delighted when I put on 40 lbs without much effort. We became pregnant on our very first cycle TTC and he was born after 15 hours of generally easy labor, a vaginal birth, no tearing, etc...He was a happy, healthy and very mellow, good natured baby. After he was born I was on cloud 9, I was so happy. I couldn't believe that any women ever got depressed after they had babies.

Well, then at day 5 postpartum, I was sitting on the couch with my mother, trying to get my son to latch on correctly while nursing and out of nowhere it was like a wave hit me. I started bawling. My mom thought it was because I was having nursing problems and was like, "Oh honey, you'll get it, it just takes time". I just started crying harder and told her, "It's not that, I don't know what's wrong with me, but what If I turn out to be a terrible mother?" She told me it was normal to feel emotional after birth because of the hormones and all of that but it felt like so much more.

That night I couldn't sleep. I remember getting up in the middle of the night to get some water and I just collapsed next to my bed and started bawling my eyes out. It was probably about 2am. My heart started racing and I had a full fledged panic attack. I called up my mom (who had flown back to seattle) and told her I felt like I was going crazy. it slowly got worse and worse. I remember being terrified of everything. I'd wake up several times in the night with my heart racing. Sometimes I was so upset I would vomit. I couldn't be alone. I remember being afraid for my husband to sleep. Somehow I felt like if he was sleeping he wasn't really there with me. I felt so scared and alone. The weird thing was, I don't even know what I was scared of, but I was terrified of the entire world. I kept thinking I was going insane and if I felt this way forever how could I possibly be a mother? I loved my son and I never felt like I wanted to hurt him, not ever. I just felt so scared, alone and helpless.

Eventually I took myself to the ER because I was so afraid. I was put on Paxil and within a month I was back to my normal happy self. My son is now 14 months old and I love him to death and I never feel that fear like I used to and thank God for that.

Now I know my PPD didn't last long but somehow I think I'd rather have depression for a year (I suffered depression for years as a teenager) than the extreme fear and anxiety I experienced for about 2 months after his birth. I didn't expect it at all and it completely took me by suprise and overwhelmed me.

My question is this, we're trying to decide if we're ready to have another baby but the fear of that happening is holding me back. I don't know if I could go through that again. Part of me feels like this time I will be prepared, I'll expect it, and if it happens it wont be so bad since I've been through it before and I will know it goes away. But then part of me feels like, "yeah well, what if it's just as bad?" I really really want my son to have siblings. I guess I'm just looking for other people who can relate.

[Pookietooth]

:hug to you mama. PPD definitely recurs and gets worse each time (they say). Read everything you can about pregnancy nutrition and ppd prevention, particularly alternative stuff. Have a prescription ready to take when the time comes. Have a doula (postpartum) to help. And think about it.

[mamatoady]

maylea,
that doesn't mean you are going to get it again, though! especially since you can be prepared and given that it seemed to be "easily" controlled. i would be more worried if you had ppd for months on end and no amount of medication or therapy helped. Talk to your doctor/midwife and find out what you can do. nutrition is huge, adequate help and support after the birth is huge. you can do it and you will be ok. the worst that will happen is that you will get it and then you'll do what you did before, get it taken care of,and then enjoy the rest of your life with your 2 beautiful children. I don't want to make light of what you went through, but if you live in fear, you won't be able to experience some really wonderful dreams that you have...like having a bigger family.
peace,
sarah

[Gale Force]

This is such a painful difficult issue that we still have not resolved here. I would suggest that you give it a little more time and, in that time, eat a lot of super foods to build up your body from your first child. I would take cod liver oil daily and start making soup broth from bones if you don't do so already. Broth is high in minerals. Traditional societies typically waited 3 years between children, largely because of the toll that pregnancy and breastfeeding takes on a woman's body.

So give your body some time and in that time your decision may be more clear as well.

[jee'smom]

hi! i'm sorry to hear you had such a hard time. but it might not happen again. when i had my first child (dd), i had serious anxiety issues. it lasted about 1 year. i had continuous adrenaline rushes due to everything making me think of death and my fear of death. for instance, one night, i couldn't even watch a special on dinosaurs b/c my mind would automatically go to "that was millions of years ago, and in another million years, the earth probably won't even be here, where will i be?..., etc., etc,..."(PANIC-PANIC) it was horrible and uncontrollable. when i started cycling again, it slowly started to fade away (around 12 mo. my body started getting ready to cycle- around 14 mo., i got my 1st AF). anyway, i got pg 15 mo. PP, and was terrified it would happen again (i just assumed it would). i told myself that i've been through it before, i'll just do it again. well, after ds was born, NOTHING happened! hormonally, it didn't even feel like i had given birth. (maybe just alittle weepy). i told my dh that it felt like we just went to pick up take-out food! :) i attribute some of it to the fact that i was still nursing dd. so, i think my hormones stayed more level. just wanted to let you know that it might not happen again. good luck!

[vegaenglit]

thank you for your story. my depression started during my 4th month and still continues - it was never anything full blown but a slow simmering funk with random boiling over eruptions.

i want another baby soo badly, but im also scared to death.

[maylea_moon]

Thank you all so much for the responses. It's good to know I'm not alone. It's weird because although I have been better for a long time, little things still trigger me. When my niece Ella was born 4 months ago it was really hard for me to be around my sister in law for the first few days (which really sucked because she is also my best friend) because just watching her be in those first few PP days (even though she didn't have PPD) just sent all the memories rushing back to me.

I have been taking fish oil for a few months and a b complex vitamin so if I do get pregnant my body will hopefully be more ready this time. I also plan to read a few books on PPD during my next pregnancy because like I said before, when I was pregnant with my son, it was something I never expected to happen. Another thing I am going to do is stick with the nursing next time. I was very misinformed when I had my son and when the Dr suggested that quitting nursing would make me feel better all it did was make me feel worse, like I was missing out on the bond, not giving my son the best, plus that extra hormone drop. It truly made things worse I believe.

My mother has 5 children and she only experienced PPD with me (I am the oldest) so that gives me some hope, but then again I want to sort of expect it so I can prepare.