what's your story? [Archive] - MotheringDotCommunity Forums

esk8partist

11-08-2005, 01:47 AM

hi. i'm new here. new to this forum and new to the world of single parenting and i am wondering how did everyone else get here.

I'm 27 and my adorable dd just turned 7 months today. I am a single mother by chance AND choice. I think I was falling in love with my daugther's father when I discovered I was pregnant after only about 5 months of knowing him. :blush Before we were even intimate, he actually told me that he wanted me to have his baby and I am ashamed at how honored and excited I felt that he would say this to me. No one had ever told me this before. But soon after telling him the news I realized that I didn't know him at all--a realization that makes me very unhappy with myself and the choices that I have made in relationships. He reacted in fear and selfishness--not concerned about my well-being or that of his unborn child. Slowly, within the course of two weeks he began to reveal the person he truly was... I learned that he already had a son, that he had a girlfriend, that he was polygamous and wanted me to accept this lifestyle of his. I felt mislead and disgusted by him. But mostly I was very angry with myself that I could get into such a situation. He would tell me that he was 40% for me having the child and 60% against. He asked me t to abort the baby. I was so blinded by the father-mother-child ideal that I actually tried to convince him that we should have the baby, that things could work out. Even though he indiscretely had another woman, I actually considered being with him--not out of love, but more out of fear of being a mother without a partner.

But eventually, at the end of the two weeks, after talking to my friends and family, something clicked inside. And I realized that I could not depend on this BOY, he was not a man--A man would stand up to his responsibility and be a supportive force for the woman carrying his child.

I broke up with him. I realized that although I was carrying a chlid that we made together, this boy was not the one for me. I left the city I was living in and moved back home with my family to have my baby. A lot of other things happened--like after breaking up with him he started exhibiting stalking behavior--calling me non-stop in the wee hours of the morning, he came into my house late one night and was discovered by my roommate sitting in the kitchen, while I was unknowingly sleeping upstairs, he would sit outside my job, when I did talk to him on the phone he would make threats to me. This behavior reinforced my dislike of this boy, his unwillingness to realize that the last thing a pregnant woman needs is stress and negative energy.

Initially, I wanted the ideal family. A mother and father sharing a pregnancy together, loving and caring for a child together. I wanted my baby to know both father and mother. But now I think that having one stable, loving, nurturing parent is better than having two parents who are together but in conflict.

The problem is that even though he is not my romantic partner, the conflict is still present. His annoying, agressive, disrespectful behavior has not stopped now that the baby is born. For some reason, he thinks that because I have a child that shares his genes he is entitled to 24 hour access to us. He thinks that he is entitled to know what I am doing and who I am with. He thinks he can just show up unannounced, and accuses me of being an evil woman who won't let him see his child if I request that he give me appropriate notice if he plans to visit. He's seen dd 3 times. He says he's coming to visit but then makes up excuses as to why he can't (I could care less about seeing him, but if he's gonna be involved I'd like him to be consistent for my daughter's sake).

I wish I could be a true single parent--and do it all without him involved at all. I haven't even filed for child support for fear that the court might require visitation. I think love is more important than biology. My child is surrounded by people who love her unconditionally and I make sure that she is always in a nuturing environment. I wish it was that easy.

I know that the problems I have expressed are between he and I. And that my daugther has nothing to do with that; she is truly an innocent bystander and i seek her forgiveness. But I am challenged as to how to facilitate a relationship between father and daughter, when this boy is so difficult to communicate with.

:blah Sorry to be long winded, but that's only an small excerpt of my story... what is yours?

Raynbow

11-08-2005, 07:20 AM

Just a short explanation:
I was married for 3.5 yrs to a man I adored and felt it was returned. Seven weeks before my due date, he announced that he was "stressed out and depressed" and felt that after the baby was born, he needed to get his place to "sort his mind out before he drive his car into a tree" (ironically, he basically did “accidentally” 3 weeks later). He started going out every weekend, leaving me home alone (wouldn't LET me go with him), we argued one morning about 3 weeks before my EDD and later that day he called me to say he wasn't coming home anymore.
One week before the birth, he told me he was "staying with a female friend". Funny, I didn't KNOW he had ANY female friends (his choice, not mine). A few days before the birth, I learned just how friendly they were when his cell accidentally called mine.
I called him when my water broke, he came and took me to the hospital, stayed for the birth, but was basically worthless support-wise. He left the next day to get his sons and never came back. He was supposed to bring us home from the hospital, but he managed to get "iced in" at his mistress's house (which was 20m off his route) and my mother drove 90 minutes round trip to get us and spent the night.
He managed to see his son a total of five times - the last one being April 2003. His son is now 32 months old and has no idea of who his father is.
He is happy, strong, healthy and active. He is loved and knows it.
I'm happy, healthy and strong - I run a household, raise two boys and work FT - by myself.

I updated T's age in the last paragraph, but otherwise, this is copied from a post I wrote a year and a half ago and still accurate! My stbxH and I still are not divorced... we're now going on 6.5 years of marriage :nut and I haven't seen him in almost three! :) Works for me... he doesn't want to accept that he is legally responsible for at least half the debt (or so the "official" response says... the unofficial is that he doesn't want to be "free" to marry his gf (the mistress)), so he delays. Seriously, though, I would love to have our divorce finalized and get the custody papers signed (he's agreed to me having sole custody).

MsChatsAlot

11-08-2005, 08:49 AM

Met and married my ex quickly. We both wanted to be married and have a family more than we wanted to take the time to make sure it was with the right person.

We had one child and then we had several years of stressful events; family deaths, miscarriage, illness, etc. The stress allowed us both to show our true colors. He became very distant, angry and resentful, I eventually found more peace and looked to have a more simple life.

After 5 years of marriage, he announced he wasn't happy and had been living a lie. In an effort to save our marriage, I became like a stepford wife, but after a few weeks, he finally left. 2 weeks later, I realized I was pregnant. I was terrified at the thought of being a single parent and really tried hard to re-kindle our marriage.

We have now been split for 4.5 years. My kids and I are happier and he's happier. I couldn't even imagine being married to him and I am SO glad things worked out the way they did. I have grown and changed so much and am doing what I love. He is happy because he doesn't have the day to day responsibilities that overwhelm him, but he can still be a dad. He sees them about 2 days per month (by his choice). We still aren't divorced, but getting closer.

Mommay

11-08-2005, 12:50 PM

I voted "Divorced dad", but we're not quite divorced yet. We're still in the process.

I like this thread. I hope everyone posts their stories because I'd like to know how people got here as well.

Stbxh and I are the same and different in different ways. We were married for 3 years but together for 9 years. We started the divorce process this year in August, and we're still going through it. But I would say that our marriage has really been miserable for the last two years, since about the time ds was born. I moved out of the house in August. In the last few weeks, stbxh and I have gotten along better than we ever have. He's been sweet, helpful, and totally accomodating to all my requests. If only he'd been this way the past few years!

But the biggest part of the story is that stbxh is a gambling addict. He was in counseling for two years and sober for 3 years when we got engaged. I was so hopeful that he had overcome that demon. But while I was pregnant with ds, he started watching those poker shows on t.v., and started gambling again soon after ds was born. Things went straight to hell after that point. After a long 2 years - I still don't know how could put up with all the bs that goes along with addiction - things finally came to a point when I could not even endure spending even an hour more with him. I was also very frightened of my financial state as we were heavily in debt. I got out in time to avoid very heavy debts and even a few $ in my pocket.

Right now, stbxh is acting just dandy, but he still doesn't think he has a gambling problem. Given his history, I don't imagine things will go well for him. I'm being positive, but I'm also preparing for the fall out from his addiction. But I still love him as a person and think he's a great dad to our ds. We're such good friends now and I hope we continue to be.

rainbowmoon

11-08-2005, 12:55 PM

I voted other. DH died suddenly this past August. It's been really hard for me to come to terms with being a single mom so far. :(

Raynbow

11-08-2005, 01:06 PM

I'm sorry, Rainbowmoon. I really am. I was just reading another thread on a momma whose best friend just lost her husband... and it makes me sooo angry! Maybe this is horrible to say, but I think it is safe to say it here:
Why are the good husbands and fathers dying when dirtbags like my stbx, who has abandoned his children entirely and walked away from his wife and family, continues on?! Why can't I trade his life for that of a GOOD parent?
It isn't fair.

*sigh*

MomBirthmomStepmom

11-08-2005, 01:08 PM

While I am no longer single, the folks on this board have been very kind when I reply to threads with my experiences with being a single mom.

I was 18 when I married, had dated for 9 months, and almost exactly one year after we got married, our daughter was born. (not planned, but we were happy, I thought).

During my pregnancy was when the abuse began. We'd have a fight, and it'd start with a slap, or a shove, but quickly escalated. By the time DD was a year old, he was full-out beating me for any reason. It was hell.

We seperated, but due to neither of us having any money (I had been a SAHM, and he 'decided' one day to quit his job. HE also refused to 'watch' DD so I could work. I had no friends, no family, and no money to even look for a daycare :( )

I ended up on welfare for a little less than a year (thank god for the help, and thank god I was able to better my life to no longer need it).

Long story short, we are in the process of legally divorcing, but have been seperated over 3 years now.

I met my now SO almost 3 years ago, and we've been a couple since.

Jilian

11-08-2005, 01:33 PM

I dated my STBX for 5 yrs before we got married, we were married for 2 yrs. Things started to really go downhill when I was pregnant. STBX was never around, loved to party, and was emotionally unavailable. He would have band practices at our house until wee hours of the morning with lots of drinking and drugs around. When DS was born he asked me to accept the retirement offer my full-time job was offering me so I could be a SAHM and we could get a large sum of $. I accepted and he used the $18,000 from my retirement to start our own construction company.

Once he began running the company his ego swelled. He became very angry, yelling all the time. Broke a few things of mine out of anger, and we fought constantly. He would insult me for being "just a housewife" and not earning any $, then one day he said that the business was HIS and HIS alone, and I could not tell him what to do with it. He even said he'd hire me as a secretary and give me an "allowance" WHILE WE WERE STILL MARRIED AND LIVING TOGETHER! Even though all of my retirement $ went to starting this company. He opened his own bank account leaving me with barely any money. I tried and tried to save the marriage but he was too much of a hot-headed jerk and he wasn;t willing to do anything to make things better. I didn't want my son around all the fighting and yelling anymore.

I moved in with my mom. That was May 2004. We're still waiting to be granted a divorce.

Jster

11-08-2005, 02:01 PM

Ah...stories...

Met ex when I was 17 and starting college. We dated briefly, then I found out he had a girlfriend back home and we broke up (should have taken that as a BIG hint, but I was young and gullible). A few months later, we started seeing each other again and almost immediately became inseperable. We spent our summers together, lived together, etc. We both wanted to have a family while young, and I have some interesting letters where we wrote back to forth about that...especially the issue of whether he just wanted someone who'd have his kids (it sounded like it in one letter, and later turned out to be pretty true). So we got married after I graduated (he was one year out, had just gotton tons of debt for a useless masters, the first of the useless degrees...)

We had lots of ongoing conflicts/problems, a lot stemming from traditionalism and our relationships with our families. His dad is pretty much a misogynist, and I was always fighting that. We lived abroad for a while teaching English, and while there our lives were easy, rich, and totally cloistered. It wasn't a good way to start a marriage, because it set bad precedents (ones I specifically wanted to avoid by having children young, specifically, I think it's better for kids to be raised in a frugal/poor family rather than materially spoiled and spiritually bankrupt). A few days after a big fight, we decided to start a family :nut: Yup, silly, stupid, everything one shouldn't do. We moved back to the states for dd1s birth, and soon after relocated yet again for his ph.d program (useless degree #2, not yet achieved).

I thought everything was pretty good after that. We had some ongoing problems (mostly dealing with finance, his reliance on student debt v. my preference for *working*). And some conflicts over childrearing, slight ones about vax, larger ones about a preference for a sah parent. I was even willing to have him as the sah parent, but he wouldn't put his career on hold to do so. So eventually I started getting everything worked out, I was working from home, we had finally conceived our second dc, and WHAM! He had an affair. I was really surprised, probably shouldn't have been, but was overwhelmed with what to do next. I tried to see a counselor (he wouldn't), I tried to make a temporary peace (he wouldn't give up his girlfriend), I was willing to stay in the area (1400 miles from my family), who knows how I would have supported my family, but I was willing to try. He even started getting violent, which scared me because I was 33 weeks pregnant and already big and unsteady, and the Scott Peterson trial was on the news. I still stayed in town, just tried to set up new boundaries. Then he said one day that he was going to move on regardless as soon as he got his ph.d (which, admittedly, may never happen), and the idea that I would stay now and suffer, and he'd just leave in the end, convinced me.

I moved the 1400 miles home to live with my mom, have my second baby, and start my life again. I'm so glad I did, and we're a happy little family. Their dad is involved from a distance, which is I think the only way he can do it, and occassionally comes to town and throws himself into fatherhood for a few days before leaving again. I still don't understand, he always says he gets so much out of visiting with them, but he can just walk away in the end. I knew once he moved out that we were completely on different wavelengths, because one of the main things that kept me living with him was that I couldn't do any act that would reduce my time with my kids, whereas he had no problem doing so then or later. I think he's a good "dad" as in he can be fun and involved, but a horrible "father" in that he has no real responsibility for his kids or for being a father.

Katt2005

11-08-2005, 03:07 PM

I'm so sorry April. I remember reading your post in the DDC.

As for my story. I was never married to DD1's dad. We met when I was 14, and became great friends, at 17 we started dating, 10 months later I got pregnant. I started realizing how iresponsible he really was, he wouldn't keep his jobs, and didn't care we lived at my moms. Funny though cause he wanted to get married. When DD1 was about 5 months old, I asked him to leave. I couldn't take it anymore. I worked for $6 an hr, he did nothing. He sat on his butt. So that was that. I have no regrets, considering he still lives with his mom, with no intentions of moving out.

annarbor931

11-08-2005, 06:09 PM

I dated DS's "Dad" on and off for 8 years. He was always complicated and moody, but we had many good times over the years. Things started to really fall apart before DS was born in Jan 2004. We got married when I was about 6 months pregnant, and he really started losing it in the months before DS was born.

I thought he was bipolar but it turns out he has borderline personality disorder. Stress really sends him over the edge, and he turns abusive and generally impossible to be around. He is angry all of the time and blames the world for everything wrong in his life. Things could be wonderful but he is very paranoid, depressed and always feels persecuted. It is very sad, actually. I could go on and on but the bottom line is that he has seen DS maybe 12 times in a year, and he has not seen him regularly since last spring. He informed me months weeks ago that he wants to terminate his rights because he hates me and won't see our son anymore.

He is so nuts and all over the place, but I have come to a place where I have no expectations (other than CS) and I am prepared to raise this child on my own. I have been without a partner for 2 years, and I think given his mental state, this is for the best. He is incapable of being a husband, partner, father or even caring about another human being. I see things very clearly now. I feel for my DS, but I will do everything in my power to give him the best life that I can.

canadianchick

11-08-2005, 07:39 PM

DD's father and I "dated" very briefly. I use that term lightly because we more or less just slept together. :blush I found out he was 'dating' someone else and told him we were done. I then found out I was pregnant. He threatened me throughout my entire pregnancy and then had nothing to do with dd until she was almost 1 1/2 and that was only because I contacted a lawyer about some financial help.

thistlelait

11-08-2005, 09:59 PM

I am sorry rainbowmoon. :hug

I met my ex while working at a holistic education center. We were living in tents for the summer. I was having a difficult time setting up the tarp over my tent and he was sent to help me. He was very friendly and we seemed to have a lot in common (both enjoyed traveling, especially roadtrips). I thought, "he seems totally different than the guys I usually date." translated means: i wasn't even slightly attracted to him. I also thought "Hey, I can have a summer fling, it doesn't have to mean anything it can just be fun." translation again: I hadn't been with anyone in almost a year. :lol He really did seem nice. I even introduced him to my mom-- who told me to keeps this one, she liked him (of course given my mom's track record that should have been a BIG hint).

I was pg within the month.
The week before finding out I was pg was so magical. All kinds of beautiful amazing experiences with nature. He wasn't any part of that. He just wasn't around enough already. Within the first two weeks of hanging out with him I began feeling he wasn't emotionally available. I'd go to him after a long day and try to hug him and he's just stand slack with his arms at his side. He'd stay up all night running around with his friends, then sleep all day and barely see me. It was weird. I had just decided to tell him I didn't want to keep seeing him when I found out I was pg. I debated whether or not to tell him. But I did. He was excited about it. He told me he loved me. I couldn't say it back.
I should have run while I had the chance, but I didn't, I tried to make it work. I tried to love him. I wanted a family.
Of course, it didn't work. I did start to care for him before the baby was born. it wasn't all bad. As long as we were having fun- it was, well, fun. But anything that required responsibility or making informed decisions he'd shut down. He'd literally have to leave or lay down and fall asleep. I suspect he has bi-polar.
After dd's birth- everything just got worse. He slept for 3 days after her birth. I was all alone with a new baby. She ended up sick because of breastfeeding problems and was admitted to the hospital. He left us alone in the emergency room because he was tired and couldn't handle it. Thank god my mom came to be with me. I was so scared for my little one and was engorged, emotional and exhausted.
The next year an a half was more of the same. He stayed up all night and went to bed when dd and I got up. He was in and out of work. He'd leave me with no food, no money and no car so he could go on roadtrips with his friends for weeks at a time. He barely saw us and helped very little. If I begged him to spend time with us or to help me in any way, if I even asked him to sleep with me- he just became more distant and pushed me away. I constantly tried to think of things to get him involved and ways to make him happy. I got myself into counseling. Asked him to go but he refused. I finally came to terms with the fact that i was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I asked him to leave. I don't want my daughter growing up seeing an unhealthy relationship. That's all I've ever seen and i want to break the cycle for her.
It's been over a year now and we're just starting to deal with visitation issues.I had to get a restraining order because his behavior was becoming more and more threatening. I'm not going to post all that here because I have in another thread. But it's awful. He tells me I shouldn't give anyone a sob story about being a single parent because it was my choice.
I have to say, it was a good one. DD and I are so much happier now that we live on our own. We're both more at peace and happier in our everyday lives.
It was a good choice.

griffin2004

11-08-2005, 11:09 PM

Pretty simple life-story here:
--I waited for Prince Charming until I was 40+
--finally owned up to the fact that the Prince had taken a detour somewhere along the way and wouldn't be arriving
--at 42.5 adopted DD
--now don't want a Prince; although my taste in men has always been fairly shady, NOBODY is good enough to be my DD's daddy

EastbayK

11-09-2005, 12:26 PM

This is the perfect thread, I am always so curious about other people's experiences! It's so helpful to know someone who has BTDT. Here's mine...

We were high school sweetharts. We met in the band when I was 15 and he was 17. He was my first boyfriend. I never expected it to last as long as it did, but we never had any reason to break up. We weathered my being an exchange student for a year (technically we broke up, but started right back up when I came back). After I graduated, we moved to Oregon together for college (go Beavs!). Or more realistically, I decided to go there and he decided to follow. We dated for a total of 6 years and then got married, when I was 21. The signs were there then that he didn't want kids, but at that age, I was naieve enough to believe he would change.

After we graduated, we moved back to the Bay Area and things slowly fell apart. Once we were out of the realm of school, we stopped having much in common. He worked in the city with a bunch of single, 20-something dot-commers, I worked for a non-profit. We had no shared interests. After a few years, I decided I really wanted to have a baby. I told him that I was going off birth control and if he didn't want a child then it was up to him to prevent it. 8 weeks later I was pregnant. He was an ok dad, but never really got into it. He never took our child out by himself and our parenting styles differed wildly. Instead of reading books about parenting himself, he expected me to read them for him and give him book reports. He wanted to hang out with his single friends, not with us. Several times during my pregnancy and after our ds was born, he brought up wanting a vasectomy. I didn't feel our family was complete and wanted more kids. I said no, convinced that he would change his mind and grow to love our son, not just tolerate him, when our son was just a bit older. That time never came.

2 1/2 years later, while he was driving me back to work after a lunch date, he dropped the bomb that he was going to have the snip whether I approved or not. My first though was- oh my god, now I really do have to divorce him. Having more children wasn't the only reason, but it was the most tangible. He was selfish and never wanted to give anything. It was always me making concessions for him. We didn't have anything in common except our shared history. We didn't like to do the same things. The only thing holding us together was our past. So one our 7th wedding anniversary, we decided to split. After 13 years with him and never having dated anyone else, it was terrifying but exhilerating. I called my mom to tell her I needed to come stay there and she told me it was "inconvienient and couldn't I wait a month". So I made him find a new place to stay. That was just over a year ago.

He disappeard for a while and the only way I had to contact him was through his family. I didn't know where he was or anything. I hit the dating world running, excited to see what I had missed out on in college. I met a wonderful man who loves me AND my son. I feel so supported as a parent, something I never did before. And he supports my dreams and goals as well. As soon as things turned serious, guess who came back into the picture. But I said no thanks. Now we are formally divorced and I am moving coast to coast, from San Francisco to Florida, in January. We have a custody aggreement, but even though he lives 10 minutes away, he sees his son for only 20 hours a month if I am lucky. He and I talk daily on IM though. It just proves to me that he wasn't interested in being a father. He's very responsible on child support though, so I can't complain.

Now, he is more like a brother to me. It was hard to lose my best friend and companion of so many years. Much harder than losing a husband. He's happier seeing our child on his terms rather than everyday and them having a good relationship is what's important. He, his gf, me, my SO and our son are all navigating these waters and trying to find balance. I want us all to be on good terms, and I think we will be eventually.

Good luck to all you mamas!

k

trinity6232000

11-09-2005, 02:14 PM

-At 20 I met dd's Dad we dated for almost one year, ended with us living
together for about 5 months.
-When we started dating it was magical. He was everything I had dreamed
about, wanted, wished for, and he looked at me the same way. I didn't
know he had so many demons in his past. He was 4 years older, and in
those 4 years had LIVED. Mostly all driven my alcohol. When we were
dating he wasn't drinking, so I never saw this side of him. When we moved
into our own place it all came out, it was pretty bad, and I moved out, but
continued to see him off and on for a few more months, then I moved on.

-We never stayed out of each others lives for the next five years. Every
few months or so he would call on me, we would see each other, he would
tell me how much he changed, but I could see he hadn't. When he was sad
I was the one who was called upon. When he was happy he would want
to share it with me. I was waiting for him to grow up, and if we were both
single then maybe we could be something. When I moved to California
from Pennsylvania he wrote me letters 2-3 times a week. He has such a
gift for words. He is so artistic (he is a professional artist) and intelligent.
His letters were so hard not to believe and give into. So I moved home,
didn't tell him and showed up at his work. I have never had somebody look
at me like he did that day. :heartbeat We lasted about 2 weeks. :lol I caught
him in to many lies to count and I couldn't do it all over again. I would rather
break things off from the start then believe he would change...again.

-When I was 24 he called, and wanted to see me. I didn't see the harm.
So we got together and again he told me how much he had changed and
part of me wanted to believe so bad that this was it, I believed it half heartily
but went with it. So on that night we conceived dd. Which :o if he hadn't
been such a good lover, I might not have given him so many chances. Many
of the times that we would call me and tell me he had changed lets get together
I didn't believe it was true, but would meet up with him anyhow hoping to at
least enjoy the time spent with him. I did believe him to be my soul mate, the
man I might always love, but that I couldn't trust.

-So I found out I was pregnant and he couldn't have been happier. Finally
a reason I couldn't leave him. So 90% of his act stopped. The alcohol took
over most of the time. His lies became more and more frequent and
unbelievable. Basically he got lazy cause I was pregnant, we both come
from good Christian backgrounds, and no God fearing girl would leave the
man she is having a baby with...would she?

-So when I was 4-5 months pregnant I broke things up for good. Asked him
to keep his distance from me until the baby was born (because of threatening
phone calls at all hours of the night).

-My dd was born. He never made much of a effort being a Dad. Full of gifts
at holidays. Has never paid me CS.

-In May 2004 he expressed his love to me, he wants to put all the past in
the past, start over, be a family. I told him it wasn't that easy, but because I
believed his intentions that we could be friends, talk more, spend time together,
and see what happened. I guess that wasn't fast enough for him, he met
somebody on the internet during the time we were trying and she moved from
GA to PA to live with him in July 2004.

-Since then he has called once, and seen dd twice.

I am now 30 with a beautiful daughter 5yo. I wouldn't change a thing. I
will fall in love again...someday. I am glad I had his daughter. I am glad
I had a chance to love him. He might not be a good father, but I am
blessed he made me a Mother.

loveharps

11-09-2005, 03:16 PM

My ds's father were best friends (and only friends) for quite a long time. We were at university together. I was living in a house with a few other people, and he needed a place to stay for a while until he found his own place, so of course, being his friend, I offered to let him stay in my room. All my friends said that it was impossible for a guy and a girl to share a room without having sex, but I just brushed that off.
Well, eventually we did end up sleeping together, and so basically ended up living together for a couple of months. He did find a place of his own after a while, but by that time i knew I was pregnant and was trying to think of how to tell him ( I knew he'd want me to have an abortion, which I didn't want to do).
So in the end, when he came to pick up some more of his stuff to take to his new place, I told him. His reaction was exactly what I had expected. "You need to have an abortion" "I'm NOT going to marry you!" ( I actually laughed out loud to this one - which really pissed him off, that was the last thing I wanted anyway!) "Single parents screw kids up" etc etc
Eventually he realised that I wasn't going to have an abortion, and he left. His last words to me were "I'll be in touch" Lucky I wasn't sitting by the phone waiting - its been over three years and I havn't heard from him :lol

Maybe one day he'll decide to contact us, in fact I'd love to one day prove that being a single parent DOESN'T screw kids up!
I'm currently on a welfare benefit (which is actually really good, I dont have to work and can stay at home with Harper for now) but I will definatly be going back to university, and eventually will be supporting myself and Harper with out help from the government.

Ruthla

11-09-2005, 03:31 PM

I got married at 21, had DD1 at 22 and DD2 at 23, and the marriage was effectively over by the time I was 24. We were "in love with the idea of being married" and shared the same values, but we were never really "in love" with each other. It's like we had a spiritual connection that we couldn't quite bring down to a physical level. I truly beleive that with a lot more support (and a lot less of me comparing him to former lovers) that marriage could have been saved.

My second marriage was a whirlwind romance that was based on little more than lust. I probably should have had a one-night stand with him instead of marrying him. It wasn't until our DS was 9mo that I realized he was abusive, and still a few more months before I was willing to let him go. We're still not legally divorced but he's out of my life and out of DS' life.

Lately I've been wondering if I shouldn't have kept working at my first marriage and if maybe we should give it another try. We understand each other and accept each other, he helps around the house when he comes to visit the kids, and, well, we're still connected.

Myboysmom

11-09-2005, 07:43 PM

I voted "divorced the dad"

BUT, in actuality, HE divorced ME!

Yes, there is a difference!

FancyD

11-09-2005, 08:34 PM

I'm in the process of leaving...
We met on-line, and I got pregnant the 1st day we met IRL. STBX moved in, we fell in love- though now I know he was being nice to me for our son's sake(his words). Baby was very sick when he was born, and still requires physio. We're just not compatible, and I won't raise my son in a family that yells all the time. At least we don't hate each other, and he's a good dad...

girlzmommy00

11-09-2005, 09:38 PM

I have 2 of them! I am divorced from my first husband & separated from my second for over 2 years now. We are getting divorced just can't afford it right now.

Met my first dh in high school. We had an amazing relationship. Found out I was pg right after I graduated high school. We decided to move in together & get married. It was hard due to our ages but when he started using heroin 1 1/2-2 years later, after a lot of horrible crap, I left. That's the nice condensed version. There was a good 2-3 years of hell in there, all from the drugs.

Met my second through friends. Got engaged, found out I was pg so we moved up the wedding date. Things going well until I found out I was pg again. The responsibility factor made him completely freak out & lose it. Spent high risk, very sick pregnancy alone while he was at the bar & not coming home. Spent my youngest dd's first year like that, too. I literally did everything with out his help. Abusive mentally & verbally until he just walked out one day out of the blue 6 days before my youngest dd's first birthday. Literally came home one day & announced that he would be moving out tomorrow. I suspect there was also someone else based on phone bills & friends seeing them out together. We've been separated for 2 years now.

My first dh & I are friends. We have been for 5+ years, mainly since he completely cleaned himself up.

My second dh & I are separated now for 2 years. He's awful about money & visits. He just can't deal with responsibility on any level. Didn't work for over a year, lives with his parents who pay for everything, bearly takes the girls (we live 15 min away) & just is really horrible to me in general (putting it nicely).

Raynbow

11-10-2005, 08:42 AM

After reading everyone else's story, thought I'd fill minie out a bit more:
I met my stbxH when I was 15 ... a friend of his fixed him up with my best friend (after we got together, he said that he actually wanted to be fixed up with me, but his best friend at the time REALLY wanted to date me, so he agreed to be fixed up w my befr so that his befr could try to be fixed up with me - FTR, his befr and I NEVER dated, nor did I even know his befr liked me (until about a year before he and I got together and I ran into his befr, who professed his years-earlier crush on me)).
Anyway, my befr dated him, eventually moved in with him and married him (through this was weaved various problems - she loved another guy, etc, but married him anyway). They were married 8 years, had three kids together and she finally decided she'd had enough, didn't love him (perhaps never had) and left him for another friend of mine (I introduced them as *friends*... they just had an instant attraction and took it from there).
About two, three years after they split, he was in a very unhappy shotgun-style relationship - he started dating a younger woman and within one month of dating, she was pregnant - despite assuring him (or so he says) that she was sterile. Anyway, his then exwife decided to fix us up after he told her that he was leaving his gf - and we started dating when his child w exgf was 6 weeks old.
It was a bit of a whirlwind romance - he was EVERYTHING I was hoping for - a man who'd been married (so he knew what the reality was), had been faithful to his wife, had children and loved them, etc... or so I thought.
I did everything I could to encourage him to continue his relationship with his child (with exgf) but also supported his decision to end that relationship when he alleged that his exgf physically assaulted him during a drop-off.

We married approximately 8 months later and moved into the house I bought with my money and a downpayment from my dad. During this time, my relationship with his exwife/my befr deteriorated badly. Some of that was due to her emotional problems (severe depression) and how she treated my then fiance and the children and some (later more) was caused by my then fiance's sick enjoyment of watching us argue/fight/dislike each other. At the time, and for almost four years, neither of us realized he was setting us off against each other - it got worse and worse because, of course, we stopped speaking to each other which essientially gave him free reign to tell each that the other said or did something horrible about the other and we had no way of knowing he was lying because we never talked anymore.
I was completely, foolishly and blissfully ignorant of his true self and thought he was the best husband, depsite some minor problems (unable to hold a job, financially irresponsible and, of course, a crazy exwife). Whenever he lost a job, he always had an excuse... it was NEVER his fault - he was always framed... once for stealing, once for sexual harassment (at a job I got him at MY workplace), but I believed him.
I adored him and thought he adored me. He always talked about wanting me put up on a pedestal... and loving me so much it hurt and how he loved me more then I loved him and that he would die for me... and that he loved me more then ANYONE (his kids included).
So when his exwife got him info about going back into the military, I was against it - I didn't want my beloved to go away for 8 weeks of training! But when I realized how important it was to him (or seemed to be) to have a successful career, I stepped back and supported him FULLY.
I paid all the bills, including his child support for the time he was unemployed and throughout his 8 weeks of training (he claimed the military screwed up and wasn't paying him... I know now he was lying and kept the money for himself), plus I flew down twice - once to visit him and once to drive the 800 miles back home with him so he wouldn't have to drive it alone.
All through out this our relationship was extremely passionate and we frequently made love several times a week. He got back and within three weeks, I was pregnant with T. He was thrilled... or so he said.
He had to work long hours as a recruiter and I understood that, even if I didn't like it. At first, I attended several miltiary functions with him and had a great time! Then it seemed like there were none - at least none that he told me about.
During my second trimester, he started changing... but he assured me it was the stress of the job and the problems with his exwife and custody of their kids, etc - NOT ME.
Late in my 2nd trimester, his exwife moved and took the kids - he claimed she never told him. We searched relentlessly for the kids and finally found them 2000 miles away - she claims she had his permission, he claims he never gave it or knew where she was going. The court ruled that she either had to move back and seek legal approval to move OR had to give him the kids. She gave him the kids - two of them, at least, because one wanted to stay with her and he agreed.
Almost immediately, the long hours he was working got longer - to the point where he was "working" 18 hours a day five or six days a week plus some 6 to 10 hours on Sundays!
I was heavily pregnant, working FT myself, exhausted, fully responsible for three kids and a household. Yes, he did a LOT of the cleaning, but really nothing else. If I had a problem with one of his kids and called him for help or support, he got irritated and withdrew - told me he "dreaded" my calls because it was always bad news or a problem. So, I made sure that I only called him with HAPPY, positive stuff and handled all the negatives myself.
It continued like that until Thanksgiving, when he announced that the stress was too much for him (the kids, his job - NOT ME)... and the rest of my story is as I wrote in my earlier post.

Jilian

11-10-2005, 02:35 PM

These stories are really sad. Just wanted to give everyone a big hug :grouphug

griffin2004

11-11-2005, 01:11 PM

These stories are really sad. Just wanted to give everyone a big hugGotta respectfully disagree. Yes, there is disappointment, pain, betrayal, and even tragedy reflected in some of the stories here. But what I get even more than that is the resilience, strength, and the best kind of motherly love shown by these women. Many have been tested in the fire and we've all emerged as diamonds and gold.

Jster

11-11-2005, 04:28 PM

Griffin, I've also been impressed with the strength and dedication of all the mothers.

But I've also noticed some trends... :bag: lots of bad judgment about men, as well, me included! And, shame on them, lots of bad men who were very dishonest, hurtful, and abusive towards women.

thistlelait

11-11-2005, 11:26 PM

Why is that? why so many of them?
I'm just venting but I really don't get it. I totally look at men differently now. I used to be picky anyway (except with dd's father because I thought I'd take a chance with a guy who seemed nice :duh ) But now, I look straight into a guys eyes and I wonder what's lurking inside there that I can't see. What's there that isn't obvious. I try to feel beyond my senses for the true nature of him.

nursemummy

11-12-2005, 03:52 PM

Figured I'd add my story here.

Zoe's dad was my first boyfriend. First date, first kiss, first EVERYTHING. I met him when I was 19, in October of 1999. We were working for the same company...

Similar to someone else, exdh was four years older than me and seemed to be very worldly and exciting.

We immediately started sleeping together. I was completely enamoured with him; he was my whole world.

Within five months I was pregnant for the first time. It was a total shock and surprise; I was blown out of the water.

When I was almost six months pregnant, I found out the baby had anencephaly and I chose to be induced.

I don't think we every fully recovered from that. The loss and the devastation of dealing with that when we hadn't even been together for a year completely rocked our foundation.

Six months later, I was pregnant for Zoe.

We did nothing but fight, bicker and argue about EVERYTHING. We never once agreed on one thing from parenting to values to school to work - nothing.

This last summer I found exdh was sneaking around behind my back talking to some girl he went to college with. He hadn't actually had a physical affair with her, but they did IM, talk on the phone and email each other.

I tried to be open minded about it until I found out he said some very disparaging things about me and she was encouraging him to leave me.

When he stuck up for her and started calling me paranoid and a snoop - I kicked him out.

There were so many other things wrong with our relationship. He's very, very lazy; self centred, selfish, self absorbed... He would never lift a finger to help around the house.

He expected me to act the role of Molly Maid and go to school and eventually work full time.

We've been butting heads on and off since June (when he moved out); the biggest obstacle was custody. I told him he couldn't see Zoe until he signed the papers granting me full custody and him reasonable access.

He has her Wednesday nights and every second weekend. I felt bad for threatening him with seeing her, but I've seen way too many other custody battles and I wasn't going there.

That's my story!

I feel like I've lost the best five years of my life. My body is shot from pregnancy; I'm not the perky, happy, easy going 19 year old I was when I met him. Sometimes I think I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Who would want me now?

becoming

11-12-2005, 04:53 PM

I voted 'other.' Seems I always vote 'other!'

I am divorced from the father of my 4-year-old. I still love him and actually think we may be together again one day. We were 18 when we married and were truly in love. The pressures of being married and being parents at such a young age eventually caused problems for us. I think we could work it out now, but I'm not sure yet if that's his intention. We need to have a talk, methinks.

I was dumped by my daughter's father at 8 1/2 months pregnant, a week before we were supposed to move into our new house that he bought "for us." He is now dating another girl, who has a 3-month-old daughter that he apparently loves more than his own newborn. He has seen our daughter twice in the two weeks she's been on Earth. Eh, it's alright. She's better off without him and his crazy family. SO glad I didn't marry that jerk. He is paying child support, which has surprised me since he's the biggest cheapskate I've ever known.

Overall, I love being a single mama. I feel like I have enough love for my children to overcome any obstacles. :love

becoming

11-12-2005, 04:57 PM

Wanted to add that I am the primary custodial parent of both my lovies. My son's dad works offshore and is only home two weeks out of the month. He stays with him from Thursday afternoon until Monday afternoon on those two weeks.

My daughter won't start overnights with her dad until she's 6 weeks old. She's supposed to be staying with him from Saturday night until Monday afternoon three weeks out of the month, but I doubt he's going to do that. I don't expect her to see him much.

hazeldust

11-12-2005, 05:55 PM

i met my kids dad (i was 15 and he was 17) while we were working at mcdonalds together. we both really liked each other but were too shy to talk. lost track of him after he quit but always felt he was my soulmate and that we'd see each other again. i looked for him everywhere all the time, just being aware. finally after three years i saw him again at a coffeeshop and we made unofficial plans to meet at a punk show on feb 14th(as in he told me about the show said hed be there and i vowed inside that i would too) well we met talked and were almost immediately a couple. very physical from the start, a year later we moved in together and i was pg right away. thing was we had built our relationship up so much during those years id lost track of him, that when we "found" each other again we took it for granted that wed be together always. i had doubts but ignored them because i thought this relationship would complete me. it didnt but i couldnt accept that. three kids later i finally came to accept that i cant live with him. hes a good guy but drives me nuts. hes very intense and opinionated and i dont love him. we get along well and ive been torturing myself alot lately because i feel like i should be able to say "i can make certain concessions for the sake of the kids and be with him" but i dont think i can. i could love him if he would make certain changes but thats not right. i should locve him despite his flaws but i dont. so thats my story.

Jster

11-12-2005, 07:53 PM

My daughter won't start overnights with her dad until she's 6 weeks old.

:jaw :jaw Oh my GOSH!!! That is really surprising to me, it seems so young! Are you breastfeeding? How is that possible? I barely let my dd2 go for an overnight when she was 18 months old.

Sorry, don't mean to jump in running, but I was really really surprised to read that, and wondered what was the motivation and if you'd thought about all the complications (breastfeeding, attachment, etc.)

becoming

11-12-2005, 09:37 PM

Jennifer, I am horrified about letting my daughter stay with her father overnight at 6 weeks. DD is formula-fed, but I am very concerned about the attachment issues. Unfortunately, her father is a big BULLY and is threatening to go for joint custody (him have her one week, I have her one week) and therefore not pay child support, if I don't do things his way. His family has a big name in our little town, and I am certain that he would get half custody of her if he took me to court. I am hopeful that he will only keep her overnight a couple of times before he realizes he doesn't want her overnight anymore. So far he has only seen her twice since she's been born, so it's looking like he's losing interest already. Thanks for your concern. I realize six weeks is extremely early to be away from her mama and wish there was something I could do to avoid it. He originally was saying he wanted her overnight starting at two weeks, so I've been relieved that he's pushed it back to six weeks.

meemee

11-12-2005, 11:33 PM

wow!!! as i read these i realise how similar in parts our situations were. i share so many common points and complaints with other single moms IRL.

met ex when he was visiting my country. for the first time - i really fell for someone hook line and sinker. we had 6 wonderful years together. and then we started ttc. and i could see the cracks appearing. i kept asking what was going on and he insistently said nothing. by the time i was pregnant he was hardly home, bar hopping and socialising. two weeks before i had my dd he asked me for a divorce. i was devastated. i knew we were having problems, but i thought we could work it out. i even asked him to go for family counseling. but he wouldnt go. when dd was 2 months old he started his affair.

when i started my maternity leave he stopped helping in the house totally. while he was there during the actual birth most of the time he was with his friends. i tried working it out giving him chances as he said he loved me but wasnt sure he wanted to live with me. whatever!!! i confirmed the affair on valentines day. anyways finally when dd was 14 months old i asked him to leave or we would leave. he asked for some time and left when dd was 18 months old. and he has always been v. angry with me since then. he wanted to continue living the way we were - me earning 75% and him 25%. him leading his own life and seeing dd in snatches while i took care of her. i always felt a single mom as he never helped out either in the house or with dd. but i did not want her to grow up and think this is what a family was.

and the anger hasnt ever gone away ever. but he has been present in dd's life. though i think mostly for CS purposes. he barely pays anything and from jan he wants to share 50% so i may have to pay him. he is a good playmate for dd. and i dont doubt dd's safety when seh is with him or spends the night with him. but it makes me sad that he is willing to take dd - not because he wants to but so he doesnt have to pay me cs. and dd just loves him to death and so enjoys the time spent with him. i guess in the end she gets to be the winner since she has been wanting to spend more time with him.

i always knew i was taking a chance with him when i decided to marry him. i knew he didnt fit the norm. but he was and is a v. good hearted man - just v. tormented and messed up. and angry too. our initial 6 years were so good i never thought we would ever be separated. and heading towards divorce when we can afford it. but i always knew that chance was there.

for the past year and a half i always felt how can i trust another man seeing how i naive i was and how good our relationship was for 6 full years. but then i have just come to realise not every man is like that. and if there is someone out there for me (i am not actively seeking) then i shouldnt be judging them on one bad relationship. it will be a chance i will be taking again but it could go either way. i hope it will for the better.

teachermom

11-13-2005, 12:05 AM

I met xh thru work. I had been casually sleeping with my ex boyfriend (of 7 yrs) mostly because we knew each other and were comfortable together. a couple of months after we decided to move on, I started dating xh. a month later I found out that I was pregnant. two weeks after that I found out that I was four months along. Notice how badly that math adds up? :nut
throughout the course of my pregnancy...bio dad died, xh and I decided to stay together, life got much more complicated. So xh has always been ds's "dad", though he knows that he had a differant bio dad who died. xh and I always had issues. he is much older than me, we come from very differant cultures and family backgrounds (religous beliefs, educational background, economic backgrounds, all of it). I stayed with him because we were a family and you do not just walk away from that. In the years since I have also come to realizre that there was a fair amount of emotional abuse and control going on. when ds was four I decided tht I wanted more children. xh wouldn't agree unless we got married so we did. stupid of me but that was the real reason for it. we went on to have three more kids, who I am so greatful for. I tried to leave him between #3 and #4 but once again he talked me into staying because you do not just walk away from family. ds (child #4) was just 8 months old when I finally decided that I had had enough. I was so scared to go on my own. I had four kids, one with special needs, one five year old who was madly in love with her daddy, one nursing preschooler, and one little nurser. I was homeschooling the kids and was a sahm. we were broke together and even broker seperate. I couldn't make it if I didn't recieve soc. sec. for ds. Our divorce took over two years. he fought my right to breastfeed and homeschool. luckily as much as he can be an ass to me sometimes (and occasionally I hate his attitude towards the kids--especially ds#1) he believes that I am a good mother and he loves our children. In the beginning we fought a lot over cs..I had to have it taken from his check in order to not have to ask for it monthly. now it comes regulary. It is not much because he has no ambition to better his income but it helps a bit. we do not fight about visitation. about a year after we split, my dd came to me and said that she was very sad at first when we moved because she missed living with dad but that now she is happy that we did because mom and dad do not fight anymore and everyone seems happier, also dad does more with them. he now plans things to do with them and plays with them. he has become an involved parent. my older boy was happy when we split up because he and dad do not get along well (xh is an authoritarian parent and ds is bi-polar and a bit wild). my younger two boys just took it in stride.

I do not regret having been with xh, though it was not one of my smarter choices, because I have great kids from it. divorcing him was the best thing i have done. I've grown so much as a person. my kids and I are so much better off. I also believe that he has become a much better parent because of it. he and my older ds have even worked out much of their issues.

thismama

11-13-2005, 12:15 AM

Short answer: by choice.

Long answer: I am queer, got knocked up by a fag friend. He turned into a deadbeat, I sued his arse, he apologized and made amends. Now we're having another babe together.

DreamsInDigital

11-13-2005, 01:52 AM

I was 17 when I got pregnant with DS who is now 6. I had irregular periods and did not suspect I was pregnant until I was 8 weeks along or so. His father and I were not involved beyond casual dating, and had not seen each other or spoken since the night the baby was conceived. When I tried to call him, his number was disconnected. It took me over 2 years to track him down and by then he was married and had a daughter. They live in Hawaii and have since had another child, but he sends child support faithfully. He doesn't call or write, but DS knows him a little and has seen him a handful of times.

I was 21 when DS who is now 2 was conceived. I had been dating his father for about 3 months when we had a bit of a spat. We mutually agreed to end the relationship, and then a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I called him and told him and he was extremely unhappy and definitely did not want to be involved at all. We just finally proved paternity and I just got my first child support check in the mail today. He has never seen his son and I have not spoken to him since the phone call where I broke the news.

I was 23 when DS who is not yet born was conceived. I had been dating his father for 5 months. When I told him I was pregnant, he demanded I have an abortion. I told him I could not and would not and he basically told me I was on my own if that was my choice. It is the only choice in my mind, and I told him I would keep the baby and find a way to survive and take care of all my little ones, with or without him. We have spoken a little, since we worked together we saw one another every few days, but he does not ask about my pregnancy and I don't think he even knows the baby is a boy.

So that's my story. I wouldn't change a thing, despite the uphill battle it's been. I've been on and off welfare but I have an okay job now, I'm just on maternity leave, and I live with my mom and dad, which makes things a little easier but I'll be a lot better off when I finish college and make enough money for us to have our own space. For now we're getting by on what we have and they're great kids. I'm so proud of them and having to fight for everything we have has made me appreciate everything we do have.