Support network/community and single parenting

[Ahappymel]

A comment was made to me today by a man who says he has dated several single moms over the years.
His observation was that moms of only children seem to need more emotional support/seek community/want networks more than women who have more than one child.
Any comments/agreement/disagreement/thought processes about his observation?

[meemee]

you mean a single mom with a single child seeks more community, etc than a single mom with multiple children?

that kinda doesnt seem logical to me!! but then again i can ask a friend to babysit one child but i guess it would be hard to get them to watch 2. i guess it is easier to ask for favours with one than with 2 or 3. dunno :shrug

[Ahappymel]

I think he meant that it seems to him that moms of only children seem to need/want/seek support community more than moms of multiple kids do.

It didn't seem to make sense to me but I want to get others' input and perspectives before I respond to him. Perhaps there are angles to this I haven't thought of....

P.S Good suggestion about it being easier to get babysitters for one than for more than one. Maybe it just appears that single moms use more support community only because it's easier to get support community when you have one child rather than more. (HUGE generalizations here...just throwing an idea out there).

[pranamama]

I think if you only have one child you will be more likely to hang around others that have only one child. I have 3 and most of my friends have 3 or more children and we are all so busy it is hard to schedule time to get together. When we alter plans on each other we are understanding of each other. I think everyone needs community. Similarities make things easier therefore if the man had dated a women with multiple children he would probably say something a bit different. I did have much more time when I had one child, and some more time when I had 2 than I do with 3 :)

[Ahappymel]

Great point! I certainly DO have more time than my best friend who has 3...I also have much more freedom to make new friends/coordinate activities for me and my son than she does to coordinate something for a family of 5!
Great idea...moms of onlies have more TIME to build support community than moms of more.

[boomingranny]

single mom of an only here...I seek community because I want a well socialized dd who doesn't think the universe revolves around her. Also I don't want to hover and I try to avoid having her feel like she's under a magnifying glass. I like her having to mix it up with my girlfriends and their kids (who she's known since she was a newborn) - we really have all pitched in with each other in various crises. Also being around other adults enriches her life and being surrounded by love is a pretty cool thing. My girlfriends have 2 kids, my dd is one of the only "onlies"...but she has what I like to think of as her "spirit family". I think that dude you were speaking to made an interesting but inaccurate supposition.

Cheers

[Ahappymel]

Another thought...
Maybe moms of onlies (because are "new" moms every step of the way) seek a little more support community for emotional reassurance and support.
Maybe moms of more are a bit more confident with the benefit of experience/strategies?

Again, I agree with pranamama....EVERYONE needs support community...maybe some just have more time to seek it.

[Ahappymel]

boomingranny, GREAT observation!
I knew you mamas would offer me your pearls of wisdom!

[MsChatsAlot]

This is a little off the topic.....but some moms I know with onlies tend to take their kids with them to more "adult" functions or go out more with people who have no kids. I think people who have no kids are sometimes more okay with the mom and child coming for coffee......but when it's mom and 3 kids and chaos in tow, it's a little different.

I loved the comment about wanting the child to have a rich and wide experience of other people.

I think sometimes it's just harder and more expensive to get everyone out of the house, to a sitter, or pay for events or meals out or whatever.

Interesting comment.

[Ahappymel]

My friend and I talked again last night...turns out that although he maintains his own observation, he was uncomfortable afterward with his over-generalization/stereotype.
I told him it sparked a discussion in my world : )
I like exploring thoughts. So this certainly did expel a stereotype and confirm that everyone needs support community...it also clarified some reasons why it seems that moms of onlies may be more involved in a social circle.
Thanks Mamas!
If anyone has anything to add, more thoughts would be great.

[trinity6232000]

OKay my thoughts might be generalizations as well on this subject,
but this is what came to mind on this subject.

If we did a poll (maybe we could start one to see if my theory is
correct) I believe that the majority of single mothers with more
than one child would have been married and are now divorced.
I think that those with one child would be more 50/50, or possibly
leaning toward more unmarried, than married.
Now if you had a partner in the beginning of becoming a mother
you already feel a small sense of community or even if the partnership
wasn't totally healthy, just somebody around in it with you.
When you become a single mother and you are the only adult that
you have contact with most of the time I can see how those would
become more hungry for community and companionship.

Also single moms, who have a young child and are not married I
think (cause this is how I felt) might be looking for other mothers
to bond with, learn from, ask questions. I look at my married friends
and they don't do the same actively looking for other mothers to
bond with. Not sure why, because I have a feeling that if I had
been married I would have still looked for a mother community.

Also I think (another theory) that if you have more than one child
you might already feel a sense of community in your own home. I
agree when you have more than one child it would be harder to make
plans to get out. I have often wished that I had another child to
give dd another child to play with at home so that I didn't have to
plan so many play dates. Dd is SO SOCIAL that it would be a great
blessing to our family to have another child. I have actively began
reading about foster adoption so that in a couple of years when I
am more focused and ready I will have the information to maybe
bring another child into our family.

My 2 cents. :)
:heartbeat