I hate being $$$ dependent on others

[MsChatsAlot]

Since my separation, there have been times my parents have helped me out financially. I live pretty frugally and rarely spend money on things for me and when I do, it's usually second hand or cheap. Occasionally I treat myself to something like a specialty coffee or some little perk that's just for me. I work my butt off at school and with the kids and sometimes feel like I just need a little something that's just for me. I haven't asked for financial help from my parents but they have offered at times and it sure helps. They are financially secure, so it's not been a burden, yet I know my mom worries about money.

So lately, she's been all over me about my spending and telling me what I should be doing or should not be doing etc. It's difficult because she's obviously worried about money (probably because Christmas is coming) and I feel guilty about the fact that they help me out. Sometimes I feel like I just need a little treat or perk and yet, she makes it seem like I'm doing something horrible because of it. I hate the fact that when they give me money, it seems like they feel they have a right to have a say in my life.

I know a conversation with her wouldn't go over very well and I definitely don't want to "bite the hand that feeds me." It's difficult though when she crosses these boundaries and offers money without telling me the conditions and then expresses her dislike of my choices afterward. And yet, I don't want to discuss it either because I truly appreciate everything they've done to help me along the way.

I work hard and am doing my best to make a better life for all of us. It's not like I'm sitting around looking for handouts. I'm studying hard and working towards a career that will easily allow me to provide for my family 100%.

I don't know if any of you have faced this but it is difficult for me at times and I just needed to vent.

Sigh.

I am editing to add: I hope I'm not sounding whiny or ungrateful. I truly love my family and so deeply appreciate everything they have done to help. It's so hard to balance all of these things sometimes.

[thistlelait]

:hug
I do know how you feel. It's really hard when people feel they can be judgemental about your financial situation. There have been many times I've had to ask or accept help from my family in the last two years and I hear about it the same way you do. I've been trying to let my mom's comments go in one ear and out the other. Or I just don't tell her about the cup of coffee. My mom actually thinks she has the right question my money situation even when she hasn't helped me. It always easier for someone else to look in at your situation and tell you what you're doing wrong. YOU know you're working hard. Try not to let it get to you.

and don't beat yourself up for treating yourself once in a while. I know it's easier said than done. I feel guilty too when I treat myself to a specialty coffee or a sub for lunch when I'm working. But it helps to brighten my day and lift my spirit and that makes plugging along just a little bit easier. And if you're a little happier, your kids will be too. So, think of it this way-- you're actually doing them a favor. :D

I work with kids with severe special needs then come home to my wild two year old and sometimes I just don't feel like I have anything left to give. I was thinking about this the other day and feeling bad because i used to feel like I had a never ending well of love and nurturing inside me-- of course, i never had anyone tapping it 24/7 before and i was also able to refuel myself a lot easier before having dd. Of course, being completely wiped by an abusive relationship didn't help either.
As a single parent we don't have (or at least I don't) access to many things to refill that well --whether it be by touch, kindness, time alone, a quite meal, a yoga class, or better yet a yoga/cardio workout, ANYTHING (non-destructive) that is just for you to soothe your soul-- I'm not sure I'm explaining my thought process very well here. Have you read the celestine proficy? I think of it as an exchange of energy-- giving out a whole lot and not receiving enough back in. As a single parent we kind of have to do this for ourselves. If a cup of coffee will ease your day... then enjoy it!!!

[Jster]

Michelle, how beautifully put!! I need this thread too, I'm just about to post my own vent.

MsChatsAlot, I know how you feel about family commenting on your financial situation (or more like nagging/harassing!) I am also in school, and decided at the beginning of this semester to move out of my mom's home. It was time, we'd made it living together for 1.5 years but I needed some physical and mental space and also some parenting space, if you know what I mean. Well, there was a lot of criticism of my decision, especially...you'll be financially ruined! I was going to have to take out student loans, and it was hard to do, but it was a necessary thing for my education (which like yours will support us well in the end) and also our peace of mind in having our own place. I found that by distancing myself from my mom financially, by making the choice to move out, suddenly she stopped nagging and helped actually a lot more. She's paying a couple of my bills, and lobbied my grandma to help pay for my rent (I got my undergrad completely covered by scholarships, and my tuition now is too, so my family never helped me out up until my divorce, whereas they paid a lot to my sister's education, so everyone feels it's fair to help me some). Is there any way you can sort of emphasize that she gets to make the CHOICE whether or not to give you money, and that afterwards you get to make the CHOICE what to do with it?

Or perhaps you could just share what Michelle said in a casual way (I do this a lot ;) ) "One of the single moms on my boards shared an interesting thought. She noticed that being a single parent is so demanding, yet she didn't get as much time to recharge spiritually as partnered parents do, so sometimes little treats like taking a moment to have a nice coffee helps her get some of that special treatment that she isn't getting. I think that's really true for me as well."

Hope things get better. Isn't it sad how the holidays bring so much stress in the name of "Joy"?

[MsChatsAlot]

Thank you. It helps just to get it all out, but your words were very kind and supportive. I appreciate it. :love

[Mommay]

You definitely need your breaks/treats and you have the right to determine where your money goes as long as your not being irresponsible.

Just a thought: I think it's easier dealing with an ex giving you support because they are legally required to do so and there are clearer lines, which is probably not as true in you and your parents case.

Anyway, hope it gets easier.

[pranamama]

:coffee I think coffee is essential :) Those judgements really can wear me down. Hope you can lift your spirits and the have worries of your relatives are eased without you having to expend a lot of effort. They are probably wishing you had an even easier time than you do now. Education pays off in every possible way !!! I'll remember this as I am sending my children through college. Thanks MsCHatsALot. :love