Talking to a 4yo about separation/divorce?

[ilex]

How do you do it? What do you say? Or do you?

I have recently separated from my dp (not married) and we (the kids and I, 4 and 1) just moved to a different city. He is planning on visiting every ten days or so for 2-3 days at a time. It was a normal occurance for him to be away for five days at a time anyway so my dd (4 years old) hasn't really seen too much of a difference although I think she notices that none of his stuff is around and that he didn't physically move here with us. I have told her that he will be working in the other city and then he will come here to see us when he is off work. She asked me tonight when daddy is coming home and I paused and said that he will be coming to visit in four sleeps. And she left it at that. But I know she is confused and is frustrated by this. The other day she was upset about something and just blurted out "Why isn't daddy here? Where is he? Where??" And I told her where he was and that he will be coming here soon, and that I know she must miss him and that it will be really nice to see him when he comes, and then we talked about all that we could show him etc... problem is he hasn't even called her since we have been here (almost a week) and with all the change I know she is mourning him. And tonight I was feeling like I am decieving her. I mean I know I am because I'm not explaining it all or really even telling her the whole truth about what is happening, but I honestly don't know what else to say that she could understand and process without being completely wrecked by it.

So am I going about this completely screwed up? How and what should I be saying to her? Or not saying to her? Should I try to get her to talk about how she is feeling about this? This is all so new to me, us, I want to make sure I am doing this right by her.

Thank you :heartbeat

[Jster]

I would suggest being honest, at her level. It's going to be rough, though, and it'll take her a long time to stop thinking about it frequently. And I know how you'd love more than anything to shield her from sadness over it, but sometimes pain is a part of growth, you know? I made a big mistake at the beginning when we separated, dd was 2.5, and it wasn't exactly willing for me but my ex had cheated and gone. We sat her down together and said we were splitting up because of the "arguments" and that once mommy and daddy weren't living together we'd all be able to be happier. It wasn't really the true reason, though, and I had to live with the negative repercussions of that for a long time (her being afraid of arguments, her saying whenever ex and I had a civil conversation, Now we can live together again!, etc. etc.)

I would 1) be honest about the fact that you and your ex NO LONGER WANT TO LIVE TOGETHER but that you both still love your child. 2) Tell her that sometimes you are sad about it, too. 3) Tell her whatever compelling things might make it make more sense to her (eventually, I told her the truth...the reason mom and dad weren't living together any more was because dad loved someone else and didn't love mom. A lot of people advised me against it, because then I was "badmouthing" him, but actually she was a lot better adjusted afterwards, and since she now knows his new partner, it makes more sense in a way).

But there's no formula, and it's tough. :Hug her a lot, :hug to you, and good luck, like all parenting things, it gets easier with time.

[boomingranny]

Tell her asap. Let her grieve, its ok. I found that books for kids about divorcing parents helped give us a neutral way to dicuss it. "It's not your fault Koko bear" was a favorite with my dd.

Good luck.

[MsChatsAlot]

I agree that it's important to tell her a simple and honest version of the truth. She will ask questions, you need to answer them honestly. It will help all of you be able to move forward and she will know she can trust you because you are being honest with her.

It is difficult but they do adjust with time.

[mandib50]

you definitely need to tell her, if you don't it keeps her thinking everything is cool with mom and dad and that keeps her from being able to move forward in the grieving process.
i personally think it is best for both mom and dad to tell the kids, didn't happen in my case of course, but if the two of you can sit down with her and say "we love you to bits and always will, but dad and i cannot live together any more" kind of thing that will help. you will probably need to explain a reason why you can't live together so try and think of a to tell her without laying blame on you or your ex.
there are some great books out their for kids, i used Dinosaurs Divorce and there was a Mr. Rogers book that was useful, at least for helping kids to understand what divorcing means.
:hug

[ilex]

Thank you for your kind responses. I agree, I do need to tell her what is going on. We had a small talk yesterday, she asked why daddy is "visiting" when he is the daddy, and I said because daddy doesn't live in this home, he lives in another home but he will come and see us whenever he can. That some mommy's and daddy's don't live together, but he will always be her daddy and she will still see him a lot.

I haven't gotten around to talking about the actual separation etc, I am just trying to figure out a way to talk about it. Thank you for the recommendations for books. That may be a good way to approach it as well. A friend of hers has parents that have separated so I am going to use that as an example as well. I have been thinking though, about the reasons I could give her as to why, and it's hard.

He is coming to visit for the first time in a couple of days, and I am honestly dreading it. I don't know if it will make it harder on her, or easier to just see him. I guess we will see...

[MsChatsAlot]

It sounds like you've already addressed the questions your child is asking. I think sometimes we give children more information than they are ready for.

When we split, my son was 3. He asked, "where is daddy?" me: He's living somewhere else. We are living here. -- that was all he asked and that was all he needed at the time

By 4, it was "Why doesn't daddy live with us?" Because he lives at his house and we live in our house. -- that was all he needed at that time

By 5, "why does daddy live there and we live here? Why don't we all live together?" Because daddy and I are happier living apart from each other. We had a lot of fights and didn't get along very well, so we decided if we lived apart, it would be better. -- that was all he needed at that time

By 6, "why do you and daddy fight? Why can't you get along" Because we have different ways of looking at things. He believes some things and I believe other things. While both are okay to believe, it makes it hard when we want to do different things while we live in one house."

I answer honestly and simply the question I am asked. I didn't get into big, long disucssions or descriptions of separation and divorce. As we go along (as you can see) he asks for more information when he is ready or when he needs it.

If you answer just exactly what she asks and do it honestly, she will know she can come to you for more information when she is developmentally and emotionally ready to handle it.

--As for seeing her dad, it will likely be both very good for her and very difficult for her. We all have to learn to adjust to the "new normal" and while we are doing that, there are often growing pains as a result. It is okay for her to be both happy and angry and feel everything in between. She may be very upset and have tantrums, lash out and act out after he goes again. This is quite normal for kids. Just stick by her no matter what she expresses and you will both adjust to the new schedule as time passes.

[ilex]

Thank you :throb That is really exactly what I needed to hear. So you don't think going into that we have separated, reasons why etc is necessary right now? She does ask a lot of very thoughtful questions, and has already, so I am expecting explain more than "because we live here and he lives there" anyway...:) But should I just follow her lead? Give her the basics as I have and let her ask me? I'm sure when he is here more questions will come up, and of course again when he leaves.

Thank you for your support as always...:)

[teachermom]

when xh and I split, we told the kids that we would have two differant houses and no longer live together because dad and I had made a grown up decision to not be married anymore. that worked for a while. as we went along, I added that we were not happy anymore, that we had a hard time agreeing on anything, that we were just very differant people. for my kids this was reasonable...they had seen dad and I in action for years arguing. of course dad told them that mom just wanted to ruin our family and take them away from him! :irked: (not the explaination I would recomend)

[esk8partist]

of course dad told them that mom just wanted to ruin our family and take them away from him! :irked: (not the explaination I would recomend)
hey teachermom, i'm wondering how did you respond when the ex told the kids accusatory explanations that made you look like the bad guy? i am afraid that this might happen in my situation and am looking for strategies to deal with it...
thanks

[teachermom]

:lol I did a lot of deep breathing. I called my mom to tell her what an ass he was. to him...I ignored it. to the kids...I said something along the lines of "that must have been hurtful for you to hear. sorry dad said that. I think he must still be angry that things have changed and he is just having a hard time dealing with his feelings about it" I also suggested to them that when dad said mean things about mommy, they could say "dad, please do not talk about mom that way to me." if they wanted to...if not it was ok because mom understands that it is just dad being angry and I am ok.
the kids seemed to get it. they occasionally tell me that he has said something and I try to acknowledge dad's feelings while reassuring the kids that I am fine. sometimes I remind them that they too will sometimes say something not very nice if they are feeling angry or hurt...grown-ups sometimes do that too.

[MsChatsAlot]

So you don't think going into that we have separated, reasons why etc is necessary right now? She does ask a lot of very thoughtful questions, and has already, so I am expecting explain more than "because we live here and he lives there" anyway...:) But should I just follow her lead? Give her the basics as I have and let her ask me?

Yes. I would follow her lead. It's good to think about all the possible answers in advance so you aren't caught off guard, but basically, I wouldn't say anything again until she asks. If you answer and she comes back with "why" then follow that with another answer. She'll get all the information she needs when she feels ready.

[justmama]

I have a little experience with this myself actually. I'm a former single mom and I will most likely be separating from my husband soon unfortunately. :( My older dd has a different dad who left before she was born and there was a big nasty child support/custody battle involved and then he sporadically visited, etc until just before she turned 2 and disappeared. She doesn't remember him at all. She didn't ask about "daddy" until she was about 3. She was telling me all about her friend's daddy and how funny he is and said,
M: "Emmy's daddy is so funny, I really like him. Where is Mady's daddy?"
me: Mady's daddy lives in Massachusetts.
M: "oh, OKAY!"
runs off happily


by 3 1/2 she wanted more info

M: where is my daddy? how come I don't have one?
me: Of course you have a daddy. Your daddy lives in Massachusetts.
M: why?
me: because that's where his house is and our house is here.
M: why? why don't we live together like Emmy's mommy and daddy?
me: because daddy decided that he wasn't ready to be a daddy and so he back to Massachusetts. And mommy stayed here to live with you!
M: I wish I had a daddy that lived with me like Emmy does.
me: it's okay to want your daddy to live close by like Emmy has but you are special. do you know why? you get to live with your Uma and Papa and Auntie. Emmy lives with her mommy and daddy but she doesn't live with her Uma and Papa and her Auntie lives far far away. so there are all sorts of families and each one is special and each one is important.


And to this day at 5 years old she can tell you that her daddy who made her lives in Massachusetts and the daddy that takes care of her everyday lives with us. She knows she's special because she has two daddies and it's never occurred to her that it's not "normal" to not know the "daddy who made her." She KNOWS she's special. That's all that matters. She doesn't know that her daddy left us but she knows that he wasn't ready to be a daddy so he doesn't live with us. I was very conflicted about even telling her that but implying that there was a serious relationship with him and I would be false. I wanted her to get the bare minimum of facts. Someday when she's older and ready I'll tell her that her father and I had a very very brief relationship and that he wasn't ready to grow up and and he chose to have very little contact with her at first and eventually NO contact with her. I've kept tabs on him throughout the years and I have just one photo of him tucked away safe to show her when she's ready and just in case she decides she wants to contact him. But for now she's way too little. She really dictates what she wants to knwo and what she's ready for. She is always quick to point out to people who ask about her daddy that she has two daddies and the daddy that made her lives in Massachusetts. It's almost like she's happy with her life but she doesn't want to forget or let anyone else forget how special she knows she is because she has two daddies. :throb

Meg