talk to me mamas...

[bu's mama]

...I've posted here once or twice before & I need some advice, perspective, reassurances, and anything else you wise mamas have to offer.

We've been in counseling for over a year & this past week E said he wants to separate. I have voiced that this is where we are headed if nothing changes & I'm willing to do anything except have no opinion & tell him everything is great (ignoring the problem is how we got here). I'm so angry that he is choosing to separate instead of working on his problems within the marriage. He says he can't be responsible if there is someone there to pick up after him (both literally & figuratively). I feel like it's another cop-out & it's easier to walk away than deal with the issues. That he would rather lose his family than grow up.

I am not without fault, but most of the problems stem from his behavior...irresponsible, lying, not communicating. He brings home a steady paycheck, the rest is up to me. I'm not a controlling person, but I get labelled that way since he has no inclination to get anything done. I feel like if we separate, that's it, there will be no getting back together.

One part of me says good riddance. These issues are never going to really change. It's better to separate now, before dd remembers too much of us being together. I can show her how to be a strong woman that doesn't settle for being treated shabbily & doesn't need someone else to care for her.

I have so many logistical questions...
How long is did it take between making the decision & physically separating, assuming it was amicable & not a sudden thing?

What did you do about your housing situation. I like my house & would hate to uproot dd but I don't think we could afford it. We currently only have car & house debt, so we could cut back but we live in an expensive area (mortgage is about $2500/month + elec, heat, etc.) so I'd have to go back to work if I want to keep the house. Do you just get it appraised & buy your partner out?

I was also thinking about downsizing so I could stay home with dd until she starts school. The thought of having her in daycare/preschool for 8 hours a day is breaking my heart just thinking about it.

Sorry if I'm rambling, I'm just such a mix of emotions right now & don't know anyone IRL who has been through any of these things.

[mandib50]

hi mama,

i don't know if i can offer any real solid advice. i'm sorry he sees things differently, it's so much easier to walk away and not face your own problems than it is to stay and work them out. i would suggest for you to keep going to counselling to figure out why your marriage broke down and what your own personal issues are that led to you being attracted to that kind of man so you could avoid that in the future, if you ever decide to go that way again.

for me, we lived separately for about 3 months, sort of remotely tried to get back together and i couldn't do it. in a way it was a grace period for me because it gave me time to get a plan together as to how i would support the kids. everyone is different, and their is no certain timetable. some people split up right away, it's all individual to the couple and situation.

i stayed in my house b/c it was cheap and all i could afford, so yes, it was appraised and i bought him out. because we bought it when we were married, where i live it is 50/50. it took us several years to get to that point, so if i were you, i would do it now. or, if you are wanting to stay home with dd, maybe you could find a more affordable house or even a nice rental as a temporary situation until you get back on your feet.

i hope you get it all sorted out.

[MsChatsAlot]

Hugs to you right now.

It was about 2 weeks from the first conversation of leaving to when my ex actually left.

We did stay in the house for awhile, to help figure out what to do. My ex paid child support and spousal support and we stayed in the house almost one year. After that, I downsized and he bought me out of the house.

It is difficult when your partner decides it's over and right now is probably the most confusing time. I think when there is a firm action and you are moving either towards the marriage or away from the marriage, it will allow you a little more space to move forward and create what you want for you and your little one.

I know it seems like you have to have all the answers today, but you don't. Just take everything one step at a time and you will know what to do when the time comes.

[bu's mama]

Thanks for the responses Mandi & MsChats. It really helps to hear what others have gone through. Like I said, I don't know anyone irl who is going or has gone through a separation. I'm thinking of contacting a lawyer, just to see what my options are.

His choice is just another poor choice in a line of many. I'm angry about that, but I shouldn't be surprised. Nothing tragic, but I crave stability so I'm always on top of everything, which I atually dont' like. I'm angry that the priority of staying home with our daughter is threatened.

I'll still go to counselling on my own &/or with E since that is the only time we talk really.
know it seems like you have to have all the answers today, but you don't. Just take everything one step at a time and you will know what to do when the time comes.
I think this is what I needed to hear. I need to trust in myself a bit more.

Thanks again.