Do you every feel THWARTED by your singleness?

[Jster]

Do you ever really, really wish that you had a partnered family?

And what do you do about it?

I know that there were lots of good reasons that my marriage ended, but sometimes I still just wish I had that close relationship again. I'd never go back...and I think I'm really afraid of going forward...so I feel kind of like I'm stuck in limbo land.

I don't know how I'm ever going to trust anyone.

I've never dated as an adult (heck, I have never really truly been on a "date"! Ex and I met in college my first day...or really when I visited the school 6 mos before I even started...and I was only 17).

I'm way too busy to deal with the time it takes to build a relationship.

I don't want to do ANYTHING that confuses my kids.

but I still sort of wish...still sort of wonder...still long...for the relationship I don't have.

[Myboysmom]

all I know, and all I can say, is that I know that even though the marriage was bad

I am a better parent with a partner.

[amber_and_journey]

i just ended a six year realationship and long for the same things but inthe end things are better of the way it is. as for confusing your children if theres less tension in the home put on by an unfullfilling marriage, there most likely better off.

[thistlelait]

feeling the same way this evening.
I wasn't a better parent with a partner because I was way more stressed out. I'm glad to be out of that relationship. But, man, it would be nice to be cuddled up on the couch watching a movie (like tortilla soup, :D ) with someone who got it, who could appreciate the sensuality of it.
It would also be nice to share the everyday little things with someone too. YUP, I definitely long for that elusive relationship. I've never had.

[pranamama]

I am noticing all the happy sweet couples surrounding me lately. Thistleait I love what you said about the elusive relationship you've never had. I pretended I had a good relationship and when he wasn't around sometimes I really believed I did ...til he came back. I am new to being alone so for now I like it.

[trinity6232000]

I don't know how I'm ever going to trust anyone.



That's why it might be best to stay single for now. Trust isn't just
something to freely give, but it's a gift to give to those who can
be trusted with it. This depends more on you than the other person.
Until you can answer the question above (How are you going to
trust another?) then it's best to take time for you.

I have had to take a hard look at my life, and why I trusted in dd’s
Father. Take responsibility for my part in opening myself to
another person who didn’t deserve my trust. Threw that question
to myself, I have learned more about me. I don’t worry so much
now about how I am going to trust another, because I now trust
myself.

There have been many times in the past 6 years that I wished things
were different. Many times I wished I was in a stable relationship.
But I have wished for that less than I imagine I would be crying, or
wishing to leave if I was still with dd's Father.

True this is not how I envisioned my life. I did not see myself as a
single parent, moving back home with my parents, being a Mother
while not married to my child's Father. BUT this is how my life has
progressed and I am blessed for it. I am grateful that my life has
taken the turns it has, because I am grateful for my dd, and all the
experiences I have had in my life taking me here.

It's hard to date and have children. I don't know about everybody
here, just me, but it's hard for me. Dd doesn't meet those I date,
so I don't bring them into my home. Those are the dates I love.
Just hanging out. Watching a movie on TV, not really doing much
of anything but talking, and being together.

I know what you mean about "limbo land". I have dated a few men
since my dd was born 5 years ago. Some longer than others. But
I have learned so much about myself in these past 5 years about
myself. I am a better person from this break from serious relationships.
I am a better parent from being a better person. Someday I will be a
better partner from being unattached the past 5 years. I look now at
the past 5 years alone as a huge blessing. For both myself and dd.

In time it does gets better. Sometimes when I am unhappy or not so
comfortable with where my life is. I remind myself that for what ever
reason that is what I need right now, even if it's not what I want.

If the worst thing that ever happens to me is that I stay single, I am
never married, then I am a lucky woman. :heartbeat

[boomingranny]

I think I may be older than you guys...so it's different for me. I'm invisible to most men my age and I feel a lot more free without a relationship. I may have had enough for a lifetime, I dunno. The thing I miss occassionally is companionship, sex and having someone availble for 24-7 feedback but I have great friends and family so it doesn't really gnaw away at me.

Good luck!

[Medusa]

I guess I just don't get it. I haven't been involved or dated in over 5 years, and usually I'm SO grateful not only that I'm single but that I'm so far outside of the dating world.
I'm 29 and I do desperately what to have at least one more child, and yes I sometimes miss sex or having an adult there to hold me or listen to me, BUT when I look back over the rest of my adult life I am shocked and saddened but how much of it was taken up by and driven by either the relationship I was in or the the one I wanted to be in. When I look at the relationships of my friends my mind boggles at how much indepence and SELF people give up to be in relationship...and I wonder just how many relationships a truely healthy? How many are worth it?

maybe my world view is just too negative, but it would take one hell of a person basically knocking me off my feet to get me even iterested in dating again.

[thistlelait]

I definitely have an ideal in my mind of that relationship i'll have someday. I probably spent too much time daydreaming about it too.
I spent a lot of time alone even before dd was born. I think it's great to have the ability to be alone and not just jump into a relationship out of fear. I see a lot of women around me who do that and are not very happy anyway. I don't know, maybe I just have no idea how to have a relationship. I never witnessed a healthy one until a few years ago. I do know that I don't ever want to go through my last relationship again.
For the most part I am very happy alone. And then there is this amazing man I've been in love with for six years... who doesn't want a relationship at all.
aaaaah, life. Can be so bittersweet.

[Myboysmom]

I think I may be older than you guys...so it's different for me. I'm invisible to most men my age and I feel a lot more free without a relationship. I may have had enough for a lifetime, I dunno. The thing I miss occassionally is companionship, sex and having someone availble for 24-7 feedback but I have great friends and family so it doesn't really gnaw away at me.

Good luck!

I'll tell you my age if you tell me yours! :wink

Interesting, I am invisible to men my immediate age too. I turn heads of guys 15 (even 20) years younger and ten years older. Younger ones are good for the ego. I have found myself more attracted to the older ones. More settled, less pretentious. I don't know what it is exactly.

I do know I want a partner but will not settle for less than I deserve! I'd rather be alone.

[hazeldust]

i feel this way alot. i have come along way towards wanting to be more traditional. no matter how patient, or loving or creative or inventive or thrifty of a parent i am i cant make up for the male half of the mother/father partnership. my children will suffer for my choices and already do. i miss cooking for another adult, miss a male perspective, and all that cuddling stuff is nice too :blush i did not want to be married until just about 6 months ago (my oldest is 6, youngest is 2) because i did not GET it. now that i do i want it more than anything not only for me but for my kids as well. now i am equally sure that the chances we will ever have that are slim. hopefully everyone will come out of it allright in the end.

[Jster]

Thanks for all the interesting perspectives!

To Janna, boomingranny, and Medusa... I do try to appreciate the blessings I have, and I love our time together, even the fact that without a partner I can truly focus on my girls. I know many people my age and older WITHOUT kids who really want them, but don't have a partner, or don't feel the time is right. At least I always have them! I've got the "biological satisfaction" definitely on my side. And I get so much joy out of them...tickling each other on the bed, "helping" me do things, etc.

But there are so many things that were different than when I had a partner. I could just say, "I'm going crazy, it's your turn!" and go and have some time to myself. The kids would have someone to turn to. I had more outlets for my creativity. I know that there were lots of drains, too, and lots of ways that my relationship made life harder. But I guess I've overcome about as many of the things that I can handle on my own...and I've found that some things I'm just limited by in being a single mom. There's only enough time/patience/energy, and when I don't have any more, the kids don't get any. Also, for me personally, it was so much fun to have someone to share thougths with. I like MDC, and it helps, but if I disappeared no one would notice ;) or even know what happened or how to check on me. Perhaps I need to build more community...and I'm working on that.

The hardest thing for me to accept is that the divorce happened to me. It's not to say that I didn't want it to happen...just that I was willing to try to work things out, and he was totally done (and I just didn't even understand what had been so bad...it hadn't been perfect, but it hadn't been horrible and the last 4 months things had actually been improving for me anyway, independence wise). So I'm still feeling a bit blindsided, and as my ex starts to seem more like a human and less like a demon, I'm still left with a big WHY?

Thanks for suffering through all my rambles, and meeting me where I am! I don't know what I'd do w/o you ladies!

[Myboysmom]

The hardest thing for me to accept is that the divorce happened to me. It's not to say that I didn't want it to happen...just that I was willing to try to work things out, and he was totally done

Those were my feelings exactly! I was more than willing to do nearly anything legal to work or attempt to work it out and make it work. He was done. finished. didn't want a part of me, the marriage, and only tagentally the boys.

it stinks. but it is what it is. And we must move forward. Hugs my friend!

[xenomama]

Although I'm nowhere near this point, it's nice to read this to prepare myself. I'm pregnant, and just can't see even wanting a partner for the next couple of years at least. Of course, I know things will be different down the line when the divorce is final, the kids are older, and we're more settled into our daily lives. I'm good about establishing community; I'm so thankful to have a wide support net. I'll file this away for "things to think about later". :)

[Jilian]

The hardest thing for me to accept is that the divorce happened to me. It's not to say that I didn't want it to happen


I feel the same way. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking around with a big scarlet X on my forehead, like I'm a big failure. It's really hard being single in a world of couples. But just remember that cheesy saying "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" so very true.

[EastbayK]

I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. Just a hug and empathy.

I never thought I would be divorced either, I'm sure that none of us did. I've had a really rocky last month myself. Ever since the divorce was finalized, I've waffled with "maybe I made the wrong decision, maybe we should have done counseling..." Especially when X and I getting along well. Of course, then there are also times when he does something to piss me off and I think" Bingo, THAT'S why I left him. I even made myself a list of reasons why I left and we are better off. It helps me to remember why I'm better off on my own.

I think it's totally normal to be up and down and to miss having an adult in your life (be they lover or friend). Becoming friends with a few other people will help in that respect. Having a friend to hang out with, swap funny kid stories, cook dinner with, those things mean a lot and it's hard when you have to work to find someone to do those things with instead of having a built in companion.

One of the hardest parts for me was losing the person I had all of my history with for the past 13 years. Practically every memory I have from college involves him. High school proms, hanging out with friends, vacations... A lot of times when I am telling stories, they involve my X. I'm sure BF tires of hearing about all the stuff WE did, but in reality, I never did those things with anyone else. BF realizes that i am remembering the event, not that they were all with the same person and for that I am lucky. We are slowly building our own history, but it takes time. It almost seems strange to me that I can't look back and talk about all those "remember the time when..."

Good luck and stay strong.

K

[eamama]

Hello everyone,

I haven't been here in a few months, but I needed to catch up, so here I am :)

Nope. No partnered family for me. A man (or woman) would just be too much work for me right now. My career is finally steadying (coming to the end of contract hell) and my ds is still only 2, so he needs me evenings and weekends.

Normally I go out after he has gone to bed (we live with my parents) and I also have time for my interests. If I had a partner, there is no way I would have that "me" time.

I dated one guy briefly (5 of 6 dates) but it was more of a hassle than anything.

Add to that the fact that I really don't feel that many guys would accept a woman with a young child. I'm at the age where guys are starting to want to settle down (late 20's early 30's) and I feel like I'd be an automatic X.

So yes, I do feel thwarted by my singleness, but I don't want to give it up on a permanent basis either (a fling would be nice though ;)

[*Devon*]

I'm not a mom but I AM single and I saw this post on the main page and just had to check it out... I ended a serious relationship 1 1/2 years ago and there just hasn't been anyone too interesting since. I miss all the cuddling on the couch stuff, and of course the you-know-what :wink and I wonder if I'll ever meet the right guy. I know my ex wasn't right for me but no one else has even really come close.

It is especially frustrating because I am dying to get pregnant-- I'm 24 so I know I have plenty of time but it's something I really really want.

[fuller2]

If you want to get a taste of what you're 'missing' by not being in a relationship, just check out the very many desperate, resentful, depressed, self-deluding and just plain angry posts in "Parents As Partners" here on MDC...boy, if anything makes me happy to not be in a relationship, it's these reminders that a whole lot of it can just really be horrible--way worse than being alone.

Yeah, sometimes I wish for another income, and my house is a constant distaster area, and I do sometimes really wish for someone to give me that particular kind of love and support, but given that my ex spends a ton of time with our kid and is a great dad to him (as well as providing me with a LOT of free child care), I actually lack for almost nothing. (And it was him who dumped me.) I get my own work done, I get a decent amount of 'me' time, I love (LOVE!) not having to have constant parenting battles with someone, or parenting while my partner sat in front of the TV. If some guy was going to interfere with this he'd have to be a pretty amazing person. Not that I would say No if it happened to come along, but...He'd have to be a heck of a guy. I couldn't do a lot of what I am doing right now if I had a partner.

[*Devon*]

If you want to get a taste of what you're 'missing' by not being in a relationship, just check out the very many desperate, resentful, depressed, self-deluding and just plain angry posts in "Parents As Partners" here on MDC...boy, if anything makes me happy to not be in a relationship, it's these reminders that a whole lot of it can just really be horrible--way worse than being alone.



SO true... I feel terrible for people in marital drama, but at the same time it is a little reassuring that not everyone is in these blissfully married states and I have a lot to be thankful for (tons of disposable income, for one! :D -- I'm appreciating it while it lasts)

[Kierdan'sMom]

Part of me always felt hurt that no one shared my pregnancy, the joys of my son when he wakes up in the morning, or nurses to sleep at night. I would tell myself it didn't matter, surrounded myself in good friends who love my son, and tried not to think about it. It was only bad when I saw couples parenting together, but then I saw several break up and I was glad to be alone. :wink

And as a side note, just as I had finally accepted that this was how things would be, I got lucky and met someone who knew instinctively all the things that I needed/wanted to share as a parent :throb