JanetF
11-12-2005, 06:12 AM
Tonight it's 2 years since I made the decision to transfer to hospital to birth my son by caesarean. If I'd known what a rape it would be, I would have thought more than once about going. Since I thought it was my only choice, I determined to go and protect my son from everything I could. But I couldn't protect myself. I even wondered, in the aftermath, would I be able to save my own life if faced with a car coming at me on the road. The fallout from those hours has echoed through my life in a way I could never have imagined. The last few months I have let go more grief than ever before, through holding my son close and treasuring every moment as if it were the hours stolen from us by vindictive hospital staff. I hope that in time I will be more healed from that pain, and more fully appreciative of the anniversary of meeting my beloved child. I know that so many of you know exactly what I mean. And I'm truly sorry that you do. I realise I sound full of pain tonight, and in a way I am, but it's more that I'm acknowledging and honouring the feelings as they arrive rather than ignoring them. Ignoring pain does not make it less. And it does not change the world, and I must make meaning from my birthrape and use the fire it created to help prevent this slaughter continuing.
I will truly celebrate my son's arrival tomorrow, although not his birth. And I send love to all of us who struggle with this loss of innocence, and how complicated it makes those milestones which ought to be unadulterated joy.
Love to all and blessed be.
I will truly celebrate my son's arrival tomorrow, although not his birth. And I send love to all of us who struggle with this loss of innocence, and how complicated it makes those milestones which ought to be unadulterated joy.
Love to all and blessed be.