For those that have had babies after loss.....

[its_our_family]

When people ask if it is your first second third, or in some cases more....What do you say?

We have a son and we lost our second. So, would it appropriate to say our 3rd? I don't want to forget the life we lost do i have to pretend like it didn't happen? Or do people not want to hear that kind of thing? It makes me feel better to say it but I don't want to upset people either. For instance, My Grandmother still has no idea we lost a baby. She is older and gets upset easi so I saw no sense in making her upset...even though no one else in my family can know cause it WILL get back to her. I'm tempted to let her know if about the loss ONLY if we get pg again someday.

Thanks

Megan

[KatherineinCA]

Megan,

I have been wondering the same thing. As I ask other moms, it seems that the answer varies depending on who the "asker" is, your mood that day, how much time you have, etc. I have never included my miscarriages in my "total" of my children, but that is also because I felt that my son who is now three was that miscarried baby. Now that I've had a stillborn son, I think I will sometimes say that I have four children, but other times I'll say three and leave it at that. You need to say what's comfortable for you. I understand wanting to honor your baby's brief life. I have that same need, so I think most often I will say I have four children.

My opinion is that you don't need to live in fear of upsetting your grandmother. If she's lived this long, surely she's been confronted by plenty of upsetting circumstances. And you need support from other family members, so you need to be able to tell them. Pregnancy loss is part of life, and not something that people should be shielded from. After all, it's happened to you. You didn't have the luxury of being protected from it, so why should you have to protect others, when you need support?

Love,
Katherine

[Clarity]

hmmm...you can say stuff like:

I have two living children
I have one, we had another son but he died at birth.)
There are three kids in our home.


Everyone answers differently. I have one living child. Some days I say one, sometimes I say two, sometimes 3. Sometimes I evade, somtimes I come right out with it. It depends.

[Jacque Savageau]

Katherine, I agree - it depends on who asks.

I had 3 miscarriages then my daughter was stillborn. When I became pregnant with my son and people would ask "is this your first" I'd say "no, I had a daughter, she died". People would about fall over, but I didn't care. I REALLY needed to justify her existence.

For many years I would include Amanda in my count. Now 9 years later it really does depend. If it's a stranger, usually not. I do use the answer "I have two at home" a LOT. I'd like to include Amanda more, but as time went on I realized she did change my life profoundly and there were people in this world who didn't deserve share in her existence.

Of course, this is how it's evolved for me. I think you have to do what works for you. As time goes by, don't be opposed to change if it feels right.

Truth is, she is and will always be a part of my family. My kids include her at times when talking to their friends which always brings tears to my eyes.

Clarity, thank you for the wordings. I really think it helps to have some responses for when the question comes up.

Megan, my grandmother died 3 years ago. She was very ill with Cancer and Alzheimer's. We never did get along, she just wasn't a very nice person.

However, I cared for her the months before she died and we talked a lot. She let me talk about Amanda and the miscarriages I had. Everyone kept telling me it would upset her. However, days before she died she pulled me close to her, gave me a kiss and told me I was a strong woman and a good mother.

My point in this story, many times we try to shelter someone because they're young, old, ill etc. But, it's not really our choice to make. Your grandmother will let you know if it's too much for her. I think a lot of older people feel empowered and useful when you include them in your troubles as well as your joys.

Gentleness to you all,

Jacque

[XM]

Hmmm... this is one of the big reasons that we have told so few people that I am expecting.

None of Mike's co-workers know. Neither of my temp agencies know... when asked what I did during my year out of the work force, I told them that I was caring for a family member... not the truth but not really a lie. I did'nt want to say that I lost my baby because I did'nt want them to make assumptions about me and how capable I would be in a work situation. We even have a few friends who we have'nt seen lately who we have'nt told yet.

It's almost nice to have such a precious secret between the two of us, there was so much meddling and nosiness during our pregnancy with Xiola. It's really wonderful to not have to deal with that this time.

I plan on telling people who ask if this is my first baby that this child is my second and that we lost its older sister at birth. If I don't feel like sharing that, I will just say "no" in a way that makes it clear that this is not a topic for discussion... that should discourage any further prying. I also think it will have a lot to do with who asks and what kind of mood I am in.

Megan, I am sure that your grandmother will be able to handle the reality of your loss. In her generation, pregnancy loss was a lot more common... she may well have a story of her own to share.

XM

[sadie_sabot]

I really stressed over this issue during my pregnancy. Funny how people just don't realize that "Is this your first" is such a loaded question! Often I would just say yes, because I didn't want to get into it. But now that dd is born, I almost always say "first surviving". (No one has ever asked any follow up questions to that) I want Natasha to know that she had an older brother who died. I don't want any mystery about it. and it's important for me and dp to acknowledge Misha's passage through our lives; it changed us profoundly.

so anyway like I say "First surviving" works well for me, people seem to understand what I'm saying.

[glh]

I still struggle with this 15 years later. We lost our 3 1/2 month old son that long ago. We had an older son who was three at the time and much later had two more children who are now 6 and 2 years old. Before we had our younger children it was excruciating when someone asked me how many children I had, partly because I did not think I could have any more children. I usually said one and only told them about our son if I got to know them better. I really don't think people want to hear it most of the time. Now, when I say I have three children it ALWAYS feels wrong or like I am denying my son in some way, I'm not, but I always say four children to myself as I'm telling someone else three. I still tell people about my second son if I get to know them better and it seems appropriate. Losing a child has affected me in so many ways and is such a big part of who I am, that I don't think people really know me if they don't know that happened to us. I also had three very early miscarriages before my oldest was born, but I don't go into that unless I happen to be talking about miscarriage to someone.

[Jacque Savageau]

glh - that has to be so hard on you. I'm so sorry you lost your son. Time does soften things, but as mothers we can never forget our precious children.

My friend lost her 5 yo son very unexpectedly last year 3 months after they adopted a new baby. She's having such a struggle with this. I wish people would acknowledge her son and let her talk about him.

I think I'll have her come here and read your responses. Maybe she won't feel so alone in her greif.

Thank you all for sharing. What beautiful thoughts you all have for your precious children.

Gently,

Jacque

[khrisday]

When a stranger or acquintanence asks I don't mention the baby we lost. I don't particularly want to discuss it with those people and I am sure they don't want to hear the story.
The loss of a child is a very personal thing and I do share it with people who know me well, but I it's just not something I fele like telling to strangers.

[jordmoder]

That is such a mood dependent question... I oftnen say "I'm the mother of three sons" and if people don't know that only two are with me now, then, it's no big deal.

It seemed like when I was pregnant with our second it was a bigger issue - as many of you have said, I couldn't deny our first child's existence, but didn't want to always go into the details.

Barbara